Is this divine intervention?

b&w kitchen aid, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I woke up and started a very productive morning. I mixed up some pizza dough and put that to rise and then I started some bagel dough. THe pizza dough was to make a breakfast pizza for this mornings breakfast. The bagel dough was for tomorrow (as the bagel dough has to be shaped into bagels and then sit in the fridge for 12 hours or more). All was going splendidly. I was enjoying the early morning foray in the kitchen. And then, my mixer went kaplooeey. The locking mechanism on the tilt head has gone haywire...so it's still usable, I just can't lock it in the down position...so stiff doughs and foods will not be manageable in this mixer until it's either fixed or replaced. This is a sad sad day for me. I love my kitchen aid mixer. I admit, I would love to have a bigger one...and one of the non tilt head types. (that's what I grew up with in my mom's kitchen....so naturally I would love to have that). But it's been a handy mixer. I cook and bake a fair amount so the mixer has been used pretty heavily. So I"m pretty bummed out.

One of my first thoughts though......is this divine intervention? Without my mixer I'll be more limited (haa haa haa...I'm sure I"ll find a way around it until I can get a new one....I can always borrow my mom's old sunbeam...it's what I used until I got my Kitchen Aid) in my baking. And do I really need to be baking all of that fattening stuff?

No, my kitchen aid breaking is not divine intervention...but it was my first thought. tee hee hee

You may laugh at the divine intervention but there have literally been times that I've actually prayed for help to eat proper amounts and healthy stuff. One time in particular I made a pizza. I was determined to only eat 2 pieces instead of 4 (half of the pizza). I had been praying for strength to eat proper portions and to not just eat to eat...simply because it tasted soooo good. Some meals were easy...but pizza is a nemesis. I love pizza and honestly have a hard time stopping at 2 slices. Well that night I ate my two pieces and I found myself in the kitchen putting two more pieces on my plate. I started to carry it out of the kitchen and I really don't know what happened but I bummed into something and the pizza ended up face down on the floor. THat night I only ate 2 pieces. Divine intervention. Kinda a crazy way to answer my prayers...but it worked. ANd I was satisfied, I didn't go hungry that night. Nor did I get anything else. I knew immediately that my prayers had been answered that night, on a dinner where I usually have no or little control.

Nope, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon. This week was just crazy. I on the other hand am holding steady if not slowly dropping on the scales. NOthing to be too excited about, but I'm tickled to be holding steady!!!! This week should be much more quiet, so I'm hoping to see some progress onthe scales.

Meanwhile, the Christmas rush is here. I went grocery shopping yesterday and popped into one or two stores that were nearby. It was total madness in the mall area! CRAZY. I'm so happy that my shopping is done. I"m just sitting back and enjoying the season.

I'm making a big batch of taco soup today. I'll be eating that all week, and freezing some of it. It's super yummy and actually quite healthy (as it's really only vegetable/bean soup....but with the kick of jalapenos and taco seasonings). Exercise for the last week. I actually did exercise a few days. And there were a few days where I was on the go all day. On my feet and walking. Not exactly exercise...but activity!

The Meal

Italian Almond Bars, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Italian Almond Bars.....quite tasty and actually somewhat healthy!

Antipasto, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Antipasto Salad

We had a weekend of eating and socializing with friends. Part of the fun of the food experience was the planning. My friend, "V" and I talked about the food for weeks before hand. We planned, we plotted. My mouth would salivate with the thoughts of the food that we would be having. Soooo, the weekend finally arrived and the food fest began. We had a multicoursed meal. In preparing the food that I contributed, I tried to keep it as healthy as possible. I also worked to keep the portions that I prepared and the portions that I chose while we ate the meal under control. For me, it was a meal made in heaven. I got to nibble on lots of great foods and I was able to thoroughly enjoy the high of those first delectible bites over and over again with the many courses.

Soo how is my weight? Well, I stepped on the scales with some great trepidation this morning. My eyes about bugged out of my head. My weight was down almost 2 pounds from the last time that I weighed myself. Holy Hannah!

I did make it to the gym this morning and I really pushed myself!

I just don't have the words

I'm not seeing much movement on the scales, but I'm ok with that. I'm pretty much staying the same. I made it to the gym this morning...so that makes two days of exercise. So that's a good thing.

I don't have much to say right now. I've got some thoughts flying through my head....but I just can't (don't feel like it) sharing them right now. I need to think about them before I put them down in words.

Last night at my weight watcher meeting they shared a story that really struck a chord with me. The story goes:
A person drove through toll booths in and around San Francisco all the time and never paid attention the the person in the booth. She had contact with the attendents more than once a day...but never anything more than the absolute minimum necessary to conduct the business. Until one day when she pulled up to the booth. There was music coming from the booth and the attendent was dancing. She started to ask the attendent about the dancing but a car behind her started to beep its horn so she pulled out. She made a vow to find that attendent again and find out what was different. It took her months, but she finally pulled up to a booth and heard the music and sure enough the attendent was dancing away. She asked the person what was happening and the attendent answered by saying, "look at my co-workers, they are all in glass coffins" The lady looked down the line of toll booths and the people inside them silently taking money without even a smile on their face. The attendent continued. They come to work alive...get in their coffin and spend 8 hours dead and then it's like Lazarus back to life when they leave their coffin. The attendent went on to say, "me, I want to be a dancer and the state is paying me to practice. they have given me a great window office that overlooks the water, and the bay bridge and the city. What is not to like about this job." This just really made me think......life is really what I make of it.


Sooooo my weigh in.....1.6 down!

Nearing the end of my weight loss week

Ok, so I haven't written as much the last few days. It's not because I've forgoten my plan and fallen off the wagon. I've been actually totally on target with what I need to do to lose. I had two goals for my week. And my week runs Tuesday to Tuesday in regards to my weight loss...just matching it up to my weight watcher meeting that I attend. So anyway, I had two goals.

1. Get through Thanksgiving Day week (with the meal) and show a loss on the scales.....a BIG loss
2. Exercise 4 times.

Well, lets tackle number two first. Exercise. What's that???? I was not a total sluggard. I cleaned the house and cooked (we had Thanksgiving dinner at my house) so I was on my feet for hours on end. We also worked outside one day on our sheds. So I was relatively active. But did I exercise.....no, I have to say no.

My other goal....the showing a loss....I don't want to get too excited, but it looks possible.

Thanksgiving day.....all of my talk and thoughts about my food addiction paid off. I sat back a few days before the meal (many days actually) and thought about the foods typically at T-day meals. I started to think about which of those foods actually held importance for me. Which foods I would really want and which foods I was eating just because. Because I thought about this....and thought about these foods and my relationship with them, I was able to plan out my eating for the day. And I will say that I stuck with it....and was happy with it!

I feel as if I navigated the holiday with style and grace in regards to my eating. Yes, I did really good. I had my plan and I pretty much stuck with it. I didn't measure everything out...but I feel confident that my measurements were not to far off. My one splurge....I had my pumpkin pie filling (baked of course) with lunch....but when evening came and I realized that i had stayed within my points, I allowed myself to use a few flex points and have a real piece of pie. Ohhh it was fantastic! Well worth watching all day and staying within my daily allotment of points so that I could have that pie!

My exercise has been non-existent this week. Not even once! I've so got to pick back up on the exercise!!!

Plans

Ok, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't exactly been tracking what I've eaten. I've kept it somewhat under control for the last week...and basically for the LAST week maintained. However, since I skipped my weight watcher meeting last week...and I would have showed a gain for last week, I had to show that gain last night. Oh well....it's on the books. Now I just need to make sure that I go no higher. Down is the only way that I want the scales to move!

I've laid out my plan for Turkey Day. I've thought long and hard about what I REALLY look forward to in the Thanksgiving day meal. That is what I'm going to eat. If I'm not overly intested in turkey, why eat it? I think stuffing and mashed potatoes (if made correctly...both totally homemade for starters) can stand on their own with no gravy. In fact, the gravy drowns the taste. So why should I add gravy to my plate? So I've planned my eating for tomorrow accordingly. At the meal, I plan on eating what I WANT and not a lot (or even a little) of everything. Now, the turkey doesn't interest me as much for the turkey meal...but as a sandwich...yummy...so guess what dinner will be. A turkey sandwich! I do believe I'll also be working on a big pot of soup also. So it's all good. I've actually already sat down and figured out my points for everything and figured out how to make it all work. So I've got my plan....it it printed up and will be posted on the fridge tomorrow!

I've thought quite a bit over the months and years about food addiction. I've thought quite a bit about my problems with food. What it boils down to is quite simple. I don't want food...or the effects of food to rule me. I don't want to eat mindlessly. I don't want to eat for a 'high'. I want to fully enjoy food for the properties that are so intrinsic to food. I want to put food in it's proper place. Yes, something that gives me sustanance, but I'm realistic to know that it's something that I enjoy. I enjoy sampling something to discern the flavors and spices. To me that is an art. Food is an art. I have a friend that calls her new healthy lifestyle the "art of eating". And that is so true.

There is a very fine line between the art of food and the art of gluttony. But I am quite confident that there is a very clear line. And I'm equally confident that I can get this figured out. The beauty of figuring this out and walking on the art side of food is that when I'm not eating mindlessly or eating for the wrong reasons, the food becomes fresher, more vibrant and just ohhh so much more 'artful'.

Pure and simple will power is all that will help me beat the food addiction because the temptation to continue eating for that high is going to pop up time and time again. Will power is all that will beat it. In the case of the grilled cheese the other night. Will power SHOULD have ruled. After a reasonable amount of time then I should have reevaluated the second grilled cheese. I may still have decided...but I wouldn't be letting the addiction have the first say!

Rapture

Addiction.....got me last night. I made myself a grilled cheese. (3 points...not bad). I ate it and I was feeling just rapturous over the taste of my grilled cheese and the side of icicle pickles that I had. It was just delectible. When I came to, I found myself at the stove grilling up another! Ok, so I didn't really pass out from the intense rush of pleasure from the food. But I did find myself at the stove. I debated with myself. I tried to talk myself out of it. But in the end I did it. I had another. NORMALLY simply eating more of something does NOT cause the good feelings...the orgasmic eating experience to continue. However, last night was one of those rare exceptions. The second one was just as good as the first! Possibly better.

The purpose in my story? None....absolutely none. I was just sharing my slip of sanity.

I've been doing a lot of baking this week. I'm determined to make it through the week without a gain. I'm struggling. Really struggling.

Let me lay out my challenge for this week first. My challenge is to navigate a week full of baking in my kitchen without gaining weight! Yes, I'll be baking this and that all week long in preparation for an open house we are having. I can do it!!!

My other goal for the week......to take the first step to getting back into exercising......so my goal is to exercise 3 times this week!

I've been feeling blah the last few days.....so I'm trying to remember that being blah is not an excuse to eat. And that eating will not make one not feel better and thus take away the blahs! HOWEVER, when it seems as if life is spinning madly (out of control or otherwise). I CAN control my eating. I can take control of that one portion of my life. And the feeling of empowerment is all encompassing!

"You must reach a point where you're angry at your old self, your old life, your addictions. You have to hate the way you were, and when this hatred and anger consumers you, then you'll have the determination not to go back there."


John Grisham, The Associate

The Ruler

Oh boy, it's going to be a long day. The internet at work is doing something funky. Not sure if it's been blocked or if it's ...well just being funky. Sooo a long day with no email...and very limited internet. Joy joy.

Other than my splurge on Wednesday I've done pretty good with my eating this week. I've kept things under control. The most important thing....I haven't mindless eaten and all is moving along. I haven't let the stress of everyday life get to me. I've laid out my plan for eating and I've stuck to it every day.

Ruled by food....or ruling over food. I admit that I've been ruled by food in the past. Food was the most important thing. I lived for the food. Even while I was eating one meal, my mind had already spun forward and I was thinking about the next meal. I shovelled in the food so fast that I could barely taste the food before the next food was shoved into my mouth. I could not enjoy any of the experience, the talking, the atmosphere of where you are eating or anything because it was an all consuming fire to get the most food into my mouth! That is no true existence. Ruling over food..now that it where it's at. Sniffing the fabulous aromas. Savoring the delicious flavors. Enjoying the complex textures. And using my meal on Wednesday as an example. I think I ruled over the food instead of allowing the food to rule me. I ruled. I wasn't thinking ahead to the next food event. I wasn't thinking about anything but the food that I was eating (and the conversation with my husband of course...that goes without saying). I enjoyed the myriad of flavors. I sat back and enjoyed. No, I can't eat like that every day, because the food was rich in calories. But the essence of it. Eating purely for the enjoyment of the food is really where I want to be. I want to rule over food...and not allow food to rule me! Because if I am the ruler then I can control what I eat.

November 11, 2009

November 11, 2009, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, I splurged yesterday. I looked forward to Buca di Beppo and it lived up to my expectations (does it ever not). I haven't had time to actually look into my points to see how 'bad' it was. But one day is not enough to derail me....as long as it's only one day. Todd and I talked about the fact that when you don't splurge and don't eat like that often that it is so much more special and memorable. And yes, it is.

So does food make one happy? I was looking at the a blog entry today and saw this post that touched on the concept of food making us happy. And while my gut reaction was that 'no, it doesn't'. When I started to think about our meal yesterday, I have to revise that and say, yeah sometimes it does.

When I'm looking for a quick fix food....filling a void emotionally, I eat the food and while I'm eating the food I feel on top of the world. However, almost immediately upon finishing the good feeling ends and I'm back where I started before I ate. Actually worse because after eating, I've now got the added guilt of eating something I shouldn't have. So in that case eating does not make me happy.

HOWEVER, I knew that yesterday we were going to be going to Buca di Beppo. Wait, let me digress and give some background. In years past, Todd and I have eaten out way too much. But in recent years we have pared back drastically and in just the last month or two we cut back even further. For two reasons...financially it makes more sense to eat at home and it's easier to control the quality and portions at home. In comparison....back in 2006 (give or take) we would eat out and average of 5 times a week. We have pared it back to once a week now....and are trying to do once every other week. SOooo fast forward back to the present. We had not eaten out since Todd's birthday weekend......which was two weeks ago. We knew we were going to go to Buca. I tried to eat healthily for the days leading up to yesterday. I also planned a nice healthy dinner for last night (taco soup) So we went. Yes, I splurged a bit. Did it make me happy? Yes! Did it make me feel guilty? No! Was it a fleeting happiness? NO! I was sitting here at work thinking about our meal yesterday and it feels me with a warmth to remember the shared meal that had with my husband. I can remember the flavors of the food. The texture. The conversation. All of it...and it feels me with a happy warmth. So yes, that meal did really bring me a longer lasting happiness.

So what is the difference? What I see....the difference is that I wasn't eating emotionally...trying to fill a void. Trying to occupy my mind. I planned for it. And most significantly, by not eating out all the dang time the event became special.

Habits, Traditions and just the way it is

I'm off work today as is Todd. We've talked a few times about our plans for the day. Nothing is set in stone. But as I lay in bed this morning just relishing in the laze of not worrying about getting up for work I started to to think about the conversations that we've had. 1. We could drive down toward DC and visit Bucca di Beppo...and from there mosey around. 2. We could go toward Frederick and go to Brewers Alley and from there mosey around. 3. We would stay relatively close to home and eat at Rocco's or maybe I could take Todd to Barefoot Bernies. In case you didn't know. Bucca di Beppo....restaurant. Brewers Alley.....restaurant. Roccos.....restaurant. Barefoot Bernies....restaurant. We are making our plans based around the food choices that each area provides. Is this a healthy lifestyle mentality? No, the focus of our day should not be food. Yet somehow it is. I know that I'm addicted to food. I enjoy the experience of eating. The taste of eating. The texture of food. The smells. The sounds. I enjoy it all! But it shouldn't be the focus of my day! I don't want it to be the focus of my day. I don't want to be ruled by food. Yet I find myself constantly ruled by food.

How can I make the leap from being ruled by food to being the ruler of food. In essence using food simply for what it does for me....sustains life. And that is the crux of my problem...I would have to say goodbye to my friend. My constant friend. I would have to say goodbye to that friend that has helped me study in college....high school and middle school too Heck, I can remember rewarding myself with food in grade school. Working on my spelling words, each word I got right I would take a bite of food...or a drink of hot chocolate. I didn't have a weight problem in grade school, but I can look back and see the ground work being laid for my addiction. This friend that I have to say good by with....wouldn't be there to help me celebrate the good times. And this friend wouldn't be there to console me when times get bad. Food has been my true friend. Yes, I am eating emotionally....in every emotion, ever nuance of my life.

Do I want to give up this friend? This addiction? Yes, yes yes...I don't want to be addicted to food. But am I really willing to give up my friend? Honestly...no. Is it healthy to hang onto this? I'm not sure.

So my question is, how can I separate the two. The addiction from the friend. And yes, learning how to limit my time spent with this friend. Not bringing food to the forefront of each and every day.....not elevating this friend/food to the most important spot in my life. That's not healthy. I still want the friend.....I just want the friend put into it's rightful place in my life.

Reporting in

Lock hardware, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I showed a loss of 6/10ths of a pound. I'm frustrated because it does come on so much faster...and takes sooo much work to get off. But progress in the right direction is being made, no matter how slowly! Plugging along.

Todd and I talked about going to the gym today. And we were set to go..but instead we decided to hit up the canal and do a nice long walk on a nice fall day. Soooo I got a nice long walk in instead. The bad part? I twisted my food and now my foot hurts to high heavens. I keep hoping that I'll be able to walk it off...but it's getting worse. JOY JOY!

Food wise, I'm doing good thus far today. I've got my plans laid out and all should be well!

Well....here we are Monday again. I should show a maintain or thereabouts at my meeting tonight. If I can hang onto a maintain or even a slight loss I will be utterly tickled. I did so good through the first part of the week....and then Friday I had a day a bit high on carbs, but it was ok because I worked outside for a few hours and STILL exercised when I came in. Saturday...blew my points by one or two.....once again too many carbs. And then Sunday rolled around. Bread bread bread bread bread. Whew. 40 points consumed...and for you non-weight watcher people...I only get 27 at this point. YIKES! Back at it today!

I had a nice weekend. Friday worked outside. Saturday went into town and did some christmas shopping. (The kids are just about done...WOO HOOO) And Sunday, I did absolutely nothing. Well, no...I made three meals and I did the final mowing of the season....but nothing else.

This morning...started early.....at the gym!

Confession

I was tickled last night to have my husband at home. True, he was home because a client cancelled...but he's been away every evening...and that gets old! Sooo I threw away my plan for eating....and I made spaghetti (marinara sauce for me.....clam sauce for him). He requested a bread....which I made. I whipped up a ceasar salad also. I had a decent amount of points....but the bread threw me over the edge, points wise. Points wise I'm not to worried. I'd only used 1 flex point thus far in the week....and I've utilized none of my activity points. I'm more worried about the carb overload. But I'm sure I'll be fine.

The alarm was set early this morning so that I could get some activity/exercise in. But well....best laid plans don't always work. I do however get off work at 2. The new plan is to go home....change and IMMEDIATELY (before logging onto the computer...or picking up a book or doing ANYTHING) exercise. THEN I can log onto the computer, work on dinner, and all that fun stuff!!!

breakfast casserole

breakfast casserole, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy 4 points breakfast....5 if you include the toast. :-) Simple yet delicious breakfast casserole.

I once again pulled at the dance pad and did DDR for 40 minutes this morning. While it may be low intensity, by the time the 40 minutes is nearing and end, my legs are starting to feel heavy and I notice myself not jumping as easily....so it's doing something. :-)

I haven't weighed myself since my official weigh in day. I know that I'm on track, things are going good with my eating and I am chosing to not be stressed about the numbers on the scale. I will probably take a peak Saturday or Sunday. But then again, maybe not. :-) No matter, I feel very satisfied with my efforts at this point. I have added in some more movement and I've been keeping my eating under control...including my carb intake. Yes, carbs...mainly breads and pastas are my downfall! I did splurge and eat another piece of Snickers Pie last night but it only put me 1 point over my food budget so I'm ok with that, especially since I haven't eaten any of my flex points OR my activity points. I've got some ideas for desserts for this upcoming weekend. So we'll see. I think planning my food for the day and budgeting in (allowing for) a treat each evening be it the snickers pie, the milky way pie, the banana split thingy or simply a frut bar (anything low cal/low points) is really helping. I stay on track because I know that if I do I will have a reward. Sooo should I be rewarding my efforts with food? Probably not. Does it work???? Unequivicably!

The headache that I've been suffering with since Saturday night is still present. It's getting old. I think some of it is brought on by the sheer boredom at my job. Because it seems to get worse when I am getting ready to go to work and at work. Oh no...I'm turning into a mental case!