The end of the road

Crazy day.....I was leaving for work and walking out of the house.  Luckily there is hardwood floors.  That is how I noticed that my left foot was making a weird noise.  It was clicking....the soft rubber soles of my shoes shouldn't be clicking.   I looked down and immediately started to laugh.....I was wearing two different shoes.  Similar at least....but different.   OOOPS

I didn't do exactly good with my eating yesterday.   GRRRRR   I had vowed to run today....but I ended up sleeping for 10 hours....and even when I woke up just going up and down the stairs is painful with my knees.   Meanwhile, I have the money I need a new pair of running shoes!

Last week I got some bad news.   One of my favorite customers where I work had had a stroke. He usually comes in and shoots the breeze with us on Saturday mornings. (He had been to see me the preceding Saturday.) He usually hangs out for a bit (unless the EMS squad is busy....he is the chief)   He is a great guy.  Over the last few months I have watched him and there have been more than one situation where I have flat out asked "Are you ok."   Life was stressing him out and it was obvious to everyone that knew him.  He remained upbeat and moved forward.   The news after the stroke was grim.   Very grim.  He had slipped into a coma and the damage was irreversible and furthermore there was nothing they could do to halt the degeneration of the damage.  We knew it was only a matter of time.   This morning the EMS Chief for this small town passed away.   He was 45 years old. 

I knew it was going to happen.  The reports were bad.   But it still hit really hard.  He was only 45 years old.  That is too young to die!     But as I thought about it, I knew that he had signs...he apparently had high blood pressure.  He was overweight.  He had stress.    But still...he was only 45 years old!  Yes, the signs were there, but at 45 do you take them seriously or are you still in the 'invincible' stage/age?

I am only 2 years and a few months behind him.  I am not invincible.   I have signs.   I am overweight.  I have high cholesterol.  My knees are riddled with arthritis.  My blood pressure has been known to spike (I'm still thinking it's the white coat syndrome......I just panic at the doctors office.....but who knows).   I have been lucky thus far that  my issues are 'quiet'.  But when are they going to rear their ugly heads and cause me a problem.   I'm not invincible.   It's time to start living my life in a manner that takes care of my health.  Which means that little 'oops' like my eating yesterday have got to stop!

OH MY!

Cakes and cookies and Pies, Oh My!   Ok ok ok, I haven't had pie...probably only because I'm not a big pan of pies.  Oh, who am I kidding, I haven't had pies because there haven't been any readily available.    

So those first few lines are rather telling.  I fessed up and said I hadn't had pie....which means that I did have cake and cookies.  Yup.  I can't lie.  And if you combine that with my most recent blog post....you know, the one where I said that I was going to get serious again (I believe I said right after I wipe the grease from my Burger King breakfast from my lips) about weight loss; well then you know that it didn't exactly happen.  Well, I did wipe the grease from my lips, I just didn't get back on track.  Oops

I knew the 'restart was looming'.  I knew it all weekend.  Yesterday I just ate with abandon, telling myself the whole time.  "This is the last hurrah'.    What a pitiful attitude.  It was so pitiful that I had cheese and crackers for lunch (a lot of cheese...and a fair amount of crackers), some bread and butter and jelly, some oreos, and why yes, some apple cake (which was delicious by the way).   For dinner I did Subway...I got full fatted chips Doritos actually, I was thinking the whole time, "it's my last chance before I straighten up my act, better enjoy it!"  I actually ordered the cookies to round out my meal.   Later in the evening I went ahead and had some ice cream.  Yup, I did it up good.

But I had vowed that Monday was the day.  So I got on the scales, with fear and trepidation. But I needed to know my 'starting' figure.   What's the use of trying if I don't have a benchmark to show how far I've come.  So I did it!   It wasn't as bad as I thought.  I am NOT back into that 5 pound vortex that I was stuck in for a while.  I am not even on the edge of that vortex...so I am happy.  :-)  

Seriously contemplating rejoining weight watchers.  They are offering the 'lose 10 pounds in 2 months' and get your money back" deal.  Tempting.  Haven't decided yet!

Here is to plowing through this excess weight once and for all!

Hijacked!

It is not secret that I have been struggling with this decision about the half marathon.  It’s killing me.  I don’t want to quit, but I struggle with going on.  Admittedly, I have now this week not run once since my long run last Saturday.  Yup…I’ve skipped two 5 mile runs and one 3 mile run.  I feel a bit guilty about it for sure,   I’ve had my reasons…even if they are just trumped up excuses that my mind has made up.

 

The decision isn’t made.  I’m still waffling.

 

 

But here is a thought that I had this morning. Yeah, I had this thought while I was driving to Burger King to pick up breakfast on my way to work….don’t be a hater!   I was thinking about this stupid marathon and its importance in my life of late.  That is when I realized that this training and this half marathon and this running thing has hijacked my efforts to lose weight.  Yeah, I’m still wanting to lose weight.  And most certainly, running a gazillion miles each week can cause weight loss. However, it has actually been harder than I thought because running a gazillion (to me at least) miles each week means that I’m just really hungry!  Running became my focus.   Running hijacked my blog.  

 

I’m not entirely sure that the blog being hijacked by running is a bad thing.  Afterall, being healthy and weight loss and all that jazz goes hand in hand with running.  But my focus definitely slipped away from weight loss sometime in the last few months. 

 

Luckily, over the last month or two, I HAVE pretty consistently tracked my food intake.  I track,even though may days I am not within my caloric budget range.   Furthermore, my water consumption has been spotty at best though.  

 

So here is where I’m at.  The half marathon hasn’t been scrubbed yet.  Time will tell.  There is no reason to make a decision at this point. Everything is line up to do it and if I chose to not do it nothing will change other than that Saturday morning in Philly I will be doing something else versus running.  (Crying maybe ha ha ha).  I can keep running but my focus will be returning to weight loss and the WHOLE picture and not just one aspect of what I’m doing.      

 

And as soon as I wipe the grease from my breakfast hash rounds off my lips, I’ll be working on keeping my calories in check!

Yeah they were tasty too!!!

Rain rain go away

Rain?  Fear?? Body sending me a message?

Let me back track and start at the beginning.   I ran over the weekend. I Advil'd myself up and I managed to make it through the rest of the weekend with only minor aches.   What was concerning was my knees.  Yeah, the arthritic ridden knees.   I didn't let it stop me.  On Monday night I went to zumba....and my legs ached.  You ask how my knees did?  OUCH.     I ate dinner later on Monday night and almost immediately I felt 'odd'.   Not really sick, but just not right.    I still felt off kilter on Tuesday morning.  Enough that I didn't run my 5 miles.  Like I said, I wasn't really sick, just not normal.   I was able to eat ok...and other than a few minutes of queasiness I was fine...just off kilter.  I was ok with my decision to not run.  

As I navigated through the day I could feel that ache in my knees that comes from the arthritis.  Grrr...What is with this.   It wasn't constant, just sporadic pain.   

This morning I woke up early enough to run.  I checked the weather and there was a window of opportunity for me to run. (It is scheduled only a light run, but I do have to make up that 5 miler from yesterday) I was achy as all get out.   I got out of bed and trucked up the stairs.   It wasn't until I was coming down the stairs that I totally got scared.  My knees hurt BAD and not only did it hurt, it actually wobbled and I had to grab the hand rail because I thought I was going down.   

!(*&(*^(*&#(*&(*&@(#*^%   (that is my choice words for the betrayal of my knees)   Is it the long run that threw my knees into a fit of despair?   Is it my fears that circulate through my mind that are making every little ache and pain seem much worse? (our minds are totally capable of playing those kinds of tricks).   Or is this just a sign.  

Either way.....No running for me today.  

I'm still not calling this half marathon a no go.   I don't want to quit.  I want to persevere and do this.   The weather is NOT going to be cooperating with me.  Rain is forecasted for the next umpteen days.  I don't have access to a treadmill....and running in the rain....well. I guess it could be fun.  (I'm very skeptical.  Being out and soaked in clothes and running for an hour just sounds miserable!)

Meanwhile....I'll admit it.........

Today was just that kind of day for me...and I couldn't resist the chocolate and peanut butter.  And yes, I know.....eating and indulging in this yummy goodness will just make me cringe because of the calories and only brings the cycle back around full circle, making me more emotional because I have goals and plans that are hindered by the weight....which is hindered by the indulgence....which is hindered by the emotions....which brings on.... yeah yeah yeah.

Really? I had cake!!!!

Ok, I could get used to this.  Really get used to it!   

What in the world am I talking about????   

I've tracked my food for a while now (maybe a month or two at this point...although just one day last week I just didn't have time so I didn't get my food input until the next morning...I still tracked.   The bad part?   I haven't exactly been on target with my calorie counts.   Oops.    

But this morning I stepped onto the scale and low and behold my weigh was done....just about three pounds!    I thought my eyes were deceiving me.  It was after all pretty early in the morning!  But nope...3 pounds (2.5 but seriously. If your rounding....).   I guess running just shy of 20 miles really made the difference. (18.62 miles of running plus some walking on top of that)

Secondly, I received a compliment yesterday...someone saw me and commented on the weight I've lost.  I just laughed and said 'not much weight, but thanks".  That person then went on to say 'Maryfran your being dumb...your looking much more toned and if your not losing its because your exchanging fat for muscle'.    Interesting thought...because I don't know that I see it.  (But I do well remember when I first started running religiously back in 2013 that I liked the way my body changed through running)

Hmmm...maybe I'll have to think more about this running stuff.  Maybe I won't give up on this half marathon yet. 

That said...arthritis blows chunks!  My knees ache!!!!  

Gut instincts

Last week on my long run I lamented the fact that at numerous points in my run I reached a 'bailout' point where I could turn away from my run and be home within a half mile.  I talked about the willpower needed to actually ignore the bail outs and continue on with my run. I vowed that I would do my long runs on the canal.....run and out and back run.  

I planned it out.  I was good to roll. (er.....run).  I would run on the canal and I would be running anywhere between seven and eight miles.   Seven miles was the bare minimum, but I'm an over achiever and I have pushed most of my runs about a half mile to one full mile more in mileage.   I knew where I was going to run and by Thursday I knew when I was planning on running.  It was a done deal.

Or was it?  I started to panic.  Was I panicking about the length of the run? My longest run to date has been 6 miles (A hair over 6 miles if I want to be exact) so that could be it.  Was I just lamenting the time spent, as I had tentative plans for the weekend and this long stretch of time would have to be squeezed in between work and fun?  Whatever it was....I was dreading this run like nothing else.  I wanted to call it quits.  I wanted to just put a halt to this insane torture that I am calling my  half marathon training.  I may have even prayed that something would come up to prevent me from being forced to complete this run.   

I don't want to be a quitter...

The self doubt was real.  The negative talk was real.   And on Friday as I drove home from work, I knew that my planned run was doomed.  Absolutely doomed!   Negative self talk is one of the most debilitating things to happen to progress and productivity and success.  I didn't know what do to.  I floundered in my thoughts....I tried to bolster myself by saying, "you can do this....piece of cake, it's only 1-2 miles more."  But I was in near tears.   I didn't let it deter me.  Last night (Friday night) I actually packed my bag with my running gear.  I was determined to run on the canal as soon as I got off of work.  I double checked my mileage of what landmarks I would be running to and from (yes there are mile markers but I wanted to know...to have an idea)  No ifs ands or buts, I was moving full steam ahead.   I laid in bed and tossed and turned.   And then I had the almost near brilliant idea.  "Why not just run where I have been running lately....I can cobble an extra mile or two onto the roads and alleys that I routinely run."   Almost instantly, I was filled with a sense of peace and the fears went away.  I'm still wondering how my run will go. I'm still wondering if I'll be able to complete it.  And I still dreaded running immediately following work. (Although the forecast for Sunday had changed, so I could swap out my run day, with little to no threat of rain.)  But I'm was no longer panicked!

I don't know what the deal was but I am trusting my gut instincts and every fiber of my being was obviously saying don't run on the canal.  (I have run on the canal by myself for the last few years...I normally love it!)

Coming home from work and turning right back around and heading out for a long run is the pits.   The little voice in my head (my mini me) kept telling me to push it off until Sunday morning.  My mother said I even looked like I was about to cry.   I was that despondent and down about heading out for this run.

The first mile felt horrid!   I stopped and walked a few times.  (Looking back at the stars mile one was my fastest miles followed by mile 3 and mile 6).   Right about the mile and a half mark I had a little talk with myself.  I said 'maryfran, you are being absolutely stupid!'  (Yes I said that!). I went in and had a pep talk to myself about the fact that I can easily run a few miles.   So I should've be struggling yet!!!   I pep talked myself a bit more but it wasn't until I said this to myself that it sunk in.   'Maryfran, trust the training plan'. You are scheduled for a minimum of 7 miles.  You've done the work to get to that point.   Trust the training plan." (I'm using a Hal Higdon plan).     

I made deals with myself 'run the long roads and walk the cross over roads'.  I'm not going to say it was easy.  I'm not going to say I enjoyed it.   I'm not even going to say that I feel good now that it's done...because I don't!   I HURT!  (I took some advil.).  But I did it!!!!    

Still undecided about my future with this half marathon dealio.  But I squeezed out  my 7 miles so I guess I'm still in the game.  (I just hope that game doesn't have me walking too much the rest of the day!!!)

Following the leader

On Tuesday when I got back to the house after my run, my mom made a comment about how long I was gone.  I had run 4.72 miles.  I laughed and told her I was gone just about the time that I had expected to be gone.  She responded, 'I guess this was one of your long runs.'   I laughed....4.72 miles is considered my average weekly run now (according to the master schedule...right now I'm scheduled 4.5 miles it will go to 5 miles in two weeks) and that is considered a short run.  My weekend runs are the long ones.  I giggled and moved on.

Today, Thursday I was out there pounding the pavement again. (Ok, I was out there on Wednesday too walking a LOT....cross train light workout day).  My Thursday runs are typically much more difficult for me.   I think it's because it is the tail end of a 4 day stretch of exercise and my body is just READY for a day or rest.   I don't know but Thursdays kill me.  Most of the run this morning was done with some words pounding in my head. Seems like this happens a lot.   Today was pretty much one phrase over and over.  "What the freak are you doing, thinking you can run a half marathon.  This is insane!"  I heard the voices but pushed through them and completed 4.91 miles.  (slow laborious miles)

So even though I pushed through it I am wondering, "What in the hell am I doing???"

There are and always have been concerns about doing a longer distance run.  The biggest?  My knees.  I have arthritis....can my knees withstand the long hours of 'abuse'.   My feet are not much better.   So far my feet and knees  have held up to an hour or running....kinda.  (they hurt).  But will they manage two hours.....or three hours?  How much can they take? 

Today however, I'm poindering my decision.   Is this half marathon even what I want?   What's happening?  Do I even want this.

Two possibilities pop into my mind.

The first possibility is that I was in a way railroaded into doing a half marathon.  My running partner was gung ho to do the half marathon.  I fell into line with that thought process.  But was it because I had always wanted this.....or was it because like most things in my life for the last few years, I wasn't thinking for myself and allowed others to make the decisions and assumptions and whatever and I just went along simply because it was easier to agree than to actually think and make my own decisions.    And yes, I allowed friendships (and my marriage)  to operate that way, I'm sad to say.  I was desperate for friendship.  I started disallowing that behavior a few years ago...and slowly but surely started standing up for myself and trusting my thoughts.  And here I am....wondering if a half marathon REALLY is my goal or if it is just a remainder of a 'follow the leader' idea that I latched onto in my darker days.

The second possibility is that I really do want this.  I really do want to push my body further than it has ever been pushed.  I want to revel in the finishers medal around my neck.  I want to feel the ache in my body and know I accomplished something that so many people can't even fathom.      If this is the case, my questions about my sanity could just be a cry of fear.   Fear that I continue on and fail.  Fear of doing this all alone. Because yes, I am training by my lonesome.   I will be running my race by my lonesome.  This is all me.  

I'm honestly not sure right now which option is the true one about why I am doing this half marathon.  My mind is reeling with the possibilities.  All I will say about it right now?   Until I know why I am pushing myself, I will continue to train.  This weekend I will be attempting one of my longest runs ever.....7-8 miles.  I'm scheduled for 7....I would like to push for 8.    If I can make it 8 miles, I will know that I can run two-thirds of a half marathon.  At my current (slow) pace I will be out there for a while slogging through my miles.   But I will do it...until my body flat out tells me I can't do it....or until I know for sure that this idea is NOT one that I ever really wanted.  I will continue to obsess and dream about different routes and roads that I can link up to make the mileage that I need yet be somewhat interesting (same roads running the opposite way sometimes shakes things up...different roads are a huge treat).  I will continue to stare at my training schedule that hangs on my wall at work.  I will push on until I can figure out what's happening in my mind and then make my decisions.  

Charge me

I woke up this morning.  I was scheduled to run 4.5 miles today.   I listened carefully......nope, I didn't think it was raining.  And then I realized that I had a problem.  I hadn't charged my headphones in a while.   I counted in my head how many runs I have done since the last charge.....6 miles , 2.5 miles, 4 miles, 2.5 miles, 2.5 miles, 6 miles......Yikes....I KNOW that I have used my headphones without a recharge for at least the last 5 runs.  The charge lasts for 6 hours.  hmmmm....it was gonna be close.   I briefly thought about using wired headphones but then decided to just go out and run.  I need to learn to run without headphones....what happens if for some reason they malfunction during a race?   I don't want to fall apart because the music is not pounding in my head in direct correlation to my feet pounding on the pavement.   So I went out with my awesome headphones that were woefully unprepared for a 4.5 mile run.   Right around mile two the voice interrupted my music.  "Charge me".   I knew I had roughly 2 more songs.  I heard her calm soothing voice requesting 'charge me' once or twice more and then all as silent.   I ran on.  It wasn't bad either.  My pace wasn't altered and I wasn't miserable.   I completed my run  4.72 miles.   And yes, the headphones are currently charging even as I type.

So I'm running in my peaceful solitude and those worse kept resonating in my head.  Charge me, Charge me, Charge me.

As I have been on this weight loss journey  one of the things that I have learned is that I need to take care of my body.  I need to charge my body so that it functions properly!  How do I do that?    I came up with two main ways that I need to charge my body.

1.   Sleep.   Every night when I lay on that bed, I am 'plugging myself in' and I am recharging.   Sleep is vitally important.   Our ability to function diminishes with lack of sleep....and it is proven that weight loss efforts are affected when we fail to properly charge ourselves with a good night sleep.

2.   Food.   Food recharges us. But we need to be putting good food into our systems.   How in the world can we expect our bodies to function to the best of their abilities when we are feeding them crap!   Healthy foods.  Foods rich in vitamins and minerals are essential to being properly charged.    This is particularly sad for me for sure.  I'm a food addict and lets be honest.  I don't get that 'high' from eating a carrot.....or a piece of lettuce.....or a grape.  I eat them, because they are good for me.  They are charging my system, and I know that the piece of cake just isn't charging my system to the fullest.  Sad but true.

Over and over my body has 'told me' that I'm eating too much junk or sometimes just too much food! How many times over the years have I come on here and written about being sick from overeating?   Too many to count and I'm not even going to go find links to any of those instances......believe me, it's not something we want to relive!   I wasn't properly charging myself.   

Taking care of myself means that I have to 'charge me' properly!    The cakes, pies and pastries?   The pastas and breads?   Yeah, I'll still have them.  Moderation is the key.  I'm not looking to live like a monk that has vowed to only eat grass and water or anything drastic like that.  I plan on living my life.  However I need to be cognizant of how efficiently I am 'charging' my body.  

Same old Same old.....NO MORE!

While I was out running today (more on that later) I couldn't get something out of my mind.....it was the 'definition of insanity'.  I had seen this picture (or one similar) on facebook a while  back, but today it popped into my mind and stuck!  :-)

How often do we do this?   I should be embarrassed to admit it, but lots.  I did it when I was married.  Same arguments and same promises but no new results. (I always hoped though...and true in that case, I wasn't in control as a marriage is two people.)   I have dreams and ideas but I don't change my behaviors and thus I should NOT expect different results.    I've seen friends do it......the say they want change but they don't change their habits.  I've done it in my weight loss efforts and I've done it in my quest to run.

How many times in the course of this blog have I said "Ohh, I want to lose weight SOOOOOOOOOOO  bad?"   TONS!   But then I go and do the exact same thing I did the previous day.....the day that I may have gained.  It's total insanity!    

Its time to change my life, my eating, my whatever!  I've started the process....now to just complete it!

My run this morning......6 miles.  :-)     I won't say it was easy.  I won't say it was difficult....it just was.  

Started out and the first half mile pert near killed me!   My breathing was utterly out of whack and I felt like I was just fighting to get a breath of air.  It was very reminiscent of when I first started running and I had problems regulating my breathing.  I pushed on.....but at about the 3/4 mile mark I realized that I needed to walk for a minute or so to correct this issue.  I walked about a minute and I was off and running again and everything was fine.  I ended up stopping to walk roughly at every mile mark.  Sometimes I didn't need it, but usually by the time I had run a mile my chest was feeling tight and the short walk really helped me grab a full lung of air.

Today I chose to run locally for my 6 miles.  Hmmm....I think for my 'longer runs' on the weekend I am going to try to head to the canal or the rail trail to do them....out and back runs.  I had a map drawn up in my head of where I was running and figured I would end up at my house with almost exactly 6 miles.  

It's a great route.  I had no problem with it.  EXCEPT for the fact that if you notice, on the bottom left....every time I got to that end of the road I KNEW that I was less than a half mile from home.   Notice how many times my path took me up to that point.  That is what I call my 'bailout' points.  It took will power today to not bail out the first time I came back to that area....two miles in.   It took even more will power to not bail out the second time I came up to that point at 4 miles into my run.    But I persevered and pushed through.

The last mile was TOUGH!   I admittedly walked a bit more during that last mile!   I somehow picked up some blisters on my feet and my right arm has rash/hot spot from some kind of rubbing on my shirt, and that affected how I was running.  Furthermore, my mind started to tell me that I was going to get home and NOT have my six miles.  I was becoming increasingly more sure with each passing mile that I was going to be short a tenth or two of a mile.   It made me groan, but I decided that if that happened I would keep running.  There was NO WAY that I was stopping it said 6 miles!  NO WAY!  I would run around the block if I had to.   Two blocks if necessary....but it WOULD say 6.something when I walked into the house!

I got to the front of my house and checked the mileage.  5.97   Really???    I ran down the sidewalk past a house or two and voila....the magic number appeared!  I was DONE.

 
Hot and tired I headed inside.  I rested a bit and then went out and mowed all the properties for an hour more of physical activity.  

What's next?

Life lessons

Thursday morning I woke up late.  I laid in bed for my normal morning 'treat'.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I lay in bed for a few minutes check any new texts and emails I've received and then I play whatever game I am currently playing.  Right now that game is Bubble Witch 2.  Now don't be a hater, we all need a little mindless games now and then.   I then get out of bed ready to face the day.  This routine is important on run days because well.......my body works like clockwork and I don't want to be out running when the clock chimes! 

I had been really good on my Tuesday run and had set my alarm for 6AM so that I could have the time to 'prepare' for and have the time to run.   I typically wake up about that time anyway so on Wednesday night I decided to forego the alarm clock.  Of course, of all days I slept late.  As in I woke up at 6:45.   I really needed to be out running by 7AM.  I could push it a bit and start at 7:15 but that would cut into my breakfast, shower, pack my work lunch and in general get ready for work time.   I could push it to 7:30 but then I would be cutting into the few minutes of leeway I have in case I hit more red lights or get behind a bus or random farm equipment on my way to work.  I got myself through my morning routine.....I was dressed and almost ready to go.  I was going to be out by 7:15.  I HAD this!   4 miles?   Easy Peasy!      Mom started talking.....and I started eating up my precious minutes. Then Mertz my kitty cat got out and she didn't want to be caught.  And before I knew it it was 7:35.  Dangit!    Now I was in a REAL time crunch.

I headed out and my mind warred with myself the whole time.  The bail out point was at 2 miles.  I could turn left and be home in three tenths of a mile or I could turn right and complete another two miles.  The whole time I was going back and forth in my  mind  "Run the two or run the four"   Let me tell you, the mind is a vicious thing.  The run was NOT a good one and I know it was that stupid little voice in my head that had latched onto the concept that I barely had enough time (if I even did) and decided to play on that.   At the 2 mile point I checked the time.....yeah, I was way tight on time, just like I expected.  So I have to admit that I succumbed to the voice in my head and I turned left to go home.   I was still hot and sweaty, so I got a good workout!

Strangely enough I am A-OK with that decision.   I have been pretty regimented with my training plan.  Seriously, I have my plan posted on my wall at work and I delight in marking off the miles...and love when I actually complete a little bit more.   I am saddened by the frown faces and the empty days that this sickness forced me to put onto the schedule. 

 But I have learned something about myself and I am growing as a runner and as a person.

What did I learn?????

I have worried and obsessed about my ability to complete this half marathon since I was felled with pneumonia midway through the training.  Finally I had to say "whatever happens will happen".   (If I don't run the half marathon, I will still be going....I can't wait to see my friend Donna and I have some site-seeing I need to do in Philadelphia!!!!)  I also began to pray that if I am NOT meant to run this half marathon that I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt.    I'm at peace.   Oh yeah, I'm still constantly looking at my schedule and counting and calculating and wondering how the two weeks of rest will affect things.  But life threw a curve ball at me with my run on Thursday and I was ok with it.  It may have been because I needed the break and rest while I continue to try to get rid of this cough and tightness in my chest.  Maybe it was a step toward a decision to not run this half marathon.  Maybe it was nothing.  But I'm ok with it. 

I've also spent some time thinking about myself.   For so long I've wanted to lose weight.  I have a problem with food.  Basically, I like it.....A LOT!  I started thinking the other day about myself.  My first inclination was to throw my hands up in the air and say "no more watching, I'm just going to eat what I want and live happy as a fat woman".   But that's not what I want.  I want to be thin.  I want to be happy.     There has to be a happy medium.  So I'm not throwing up my hands.  However, I am going to accept myself at this weight while I am here.  That included going out last night and buying a few articles of clothing for myself.  I have been limping along with a limited wardrobe.   Next up might be a hair cut.  It's time to take care of ME and show ME that I like myself!  

In the meantime......I have to get to the store to buy some more peanut butter........this is a travesty to be this low! (And utterly scary!)

Emotional Return

I am a carboholic so that is soooo true for me!!!!

I was determined to start running again this past weekend......but then I woke up with a HORRIBLE headache on Sunday.   It was horrible.  Every cough made me groan.   I quickly decided that there would be no run!  Not what I wanted but I was more than ready to concede that an extra day would NOT hurt my recovery form this sickness that had felled me!

Monday is not a run day.  Monday is Zumba.  Zumba is also known as my social hour  and I have missed a few weeks because of sickness and a holiday.   However, I woke up with....a headache!   I medicated myself and took my clothes, determined to try it!   I waffled back and forth all day...but then decided to go for it.  I honestly wasn't sure if my body would handle the hour class.  My body did fine....I coughed quite a bit and right at the end I noticed that it just didn't seem as if I was getting a full lungful of air. But I concentrated on breathing...inhale and exhale...inhale and exhale.  And I made it.  Even better than making it to the end?   I didn't feel like I was dying..I wasn't lightheaded like I was after those two short trial runs I had a week earlier.    I was encouraged and decided it was time!

Tuesday morning I set my alarm and I headed out for my run.   I was determined to run.   My bare minimum was to run the 2.5 miles that I did on those trial runs.  In the back of my mind though?   I wanted to complete the run that was actually on the schedule.  A 4 mile run.   I started out and at the 2 mile bail out point I decided to go for broke. 4 miles done.  Not fast...and admittedly at around mile 3 I stopped and walked for about 3 -5 minutes.  Why?  From about the one mile point onward I had been feeling that sensation of not being able to get a full lung of air.  The short walk worked well.   

In case you didn't catch that...I ran and didn't stop until the beginning of the third mile.  Oh yes, I did.  My body ran flawlessly (well, other than that respiratory issue...which isn't surprising considering I'm still coughing and trying to recover from that pneumonia).  

Next up another 4 mile run on Thursday.....and I'll attempt the scheduled  7 miles this weekend.

What I noticed upon my triumphant return to exercise?   My body GREAT getting back to exercise.   I always say I am not an exercise fiend.....but it was a feeling like 'coming home' to et back to using my legs and working.  Kinda threw me for a loop when I realized that!  

Meanwhile today I have just wanted to EAT EAT EAT!  For some reason I'm feeling emotional and kinda lost and I'm not proud to admit it, but I have eaten more than I should have.  GRRRRRR

Believe

I have been pondering how my running changed literally overnight.  I was running with my running partner and was having abysmal runs.  Horrid!   I stood up for myself and my self worth and stopped bowing to this friend and letting her put me down.  It ended the friendship and immediately, overnight my running changed.

I wondered if it was the high from running the Krumpe's Donut Alley Rally.  Hmm, it could be.  Running a race imparts a certain energetic vibe is motivating.  But seriously, I had run the Paws on the Pavement this year and didn't get any kind of motivational umph.  

Then today I saw this on facebook this morning and I realized........

This friendship that was couched in 'encouragement' was actually negative to me.  In terms of running, looking back, running with a partner that would never run beside me but always paced herself 5 feet ahead of me was negative.  What kind of motivation is that?  I could NEVER catch up.   I was always chasing her down.  It's no wonder I was running horrible.  Her actions were feeding my mind.  They were making me feel insufficient and incapable.  

I stopped running with her, and completed the Krumpes run at the same time and I realized that it was all in my mind.  I couldn't run because my mind told me that I couldn't run.  My MIND told me that I was incapable and not a runner.    It doesn't matter who or why the thoughts were put into my mind.  They were there and I believed them.   The minute the negativity left...my mind cleared and I began to soar!

Now, if I can just get back to running and not feel like I need to collapse for a bit to recover after a measly 2.5 mile run, followed by a day of napping, I will be good!  But that's a whole different story!   

As for running, I ran those two short runs last weekend.  Other than that I have taken two weeks off.  I'm planning on running this weekend and starting back onto my training schedule.  I am hoping the exhaustion will right itself with time.....and maybe some of the exhaustion is lack of exercise in my life!  

Eating....lets not talk about it...however....this moment, right now, right here is the time to fix it.  No waiting until Tomorrow, or Monday....it's right now.   On a good note, I have tracked!

I feel like a monkey with all the itching!!!

I had my weekly weigh in.  It was not as good as last week.  However, I'm not too surprised.  Why?   Last Wednesday when I weighed in I had pretty much not eaten anything for the previous two and a half days.  So yeah, that would kind of skew the weigh in results.  I have also been on an oral steroid for the last week or so and apparently that can cause a bit of weight gain.  But the biggest reason I'm not surprised?   I have been eating a diet full of carbs and way too many calories.   It is definitely my fault.  The only good thing?  I am still lower than that stupid 5 pound range!  I just need to pull it together so that I can STAY out of that range.

So how have I been doing?   The poison......ITCHES!  Still spreading?   Maybe.

The chest/pneumonia.  I'm still exhausted.  My chest has been really hurting the last day or two and the weird crackle/rattle that occurs every once in a while when I breathe is just disconcerting.   But I'm up and moving.

My goal for the next few days?   Get control of my eating and drink water.  While I've been sick I have drank mostly soda.  Diet soda, but soda.   Oops   I have however tracked every bite through the last two weeks. (that deserves a pat on the back, right??)

I'm watching the training schedule for this half marathon.  Days are ticking off and it makes me nervous.  I needed the full length of the training schedule.   I think I can still 'recover' from this enforced involuntary break from running if I can get back in the groove by this weekend...but I admittedly am nervous about what will happen should it go longer.  I'd like to say that I am not going to worry about it...but that would be a lie.   I will obsess about it.  However, I am going to take it as it comes.  If running this half marathon is not in my cards, then I will be ok and there will be another attempt sometime in the future.

Meanwhile, April 2, 2016.  I am officially registered to run the Cooper River Bridge Run again.  YIPPEE!   Hopefully no ankle issues this time and I will truly be able to run it!

Delusional???

Am I delusional to even think about running right now?   I managed to complete another 2.5 (a little shy of 2.5 actually) today.    Once again my legs felt FABULOUS!   However I was so stinkin' tired!  I just wanted to lay down where I was running to rest a bit.  I got home and fell into the rocking chair and just laid there.   I fought the urge to actually lay flat on the floor....I was that tired from a stinkin' measely 2.5 miles.  And the rest of the day?  Just wiped out.  GRRRRRR

My only hope is that maybe if I keep at least running the 2.5 miles that maybe I can retain what little progress that I had made in the last month or so.  Delusional?  Maybe.   I do know this....I don't think I would/will be able at this current state to run a few miles and then manage to go to work and be even halfway functioning.  I tell myself to just do the work.....as much as my body will allow and whatever happens and has to be will be.

After my run I did run and errand or two...I went to lunch with my family and we visited a HUGE field of sunflowers.   This picture isn't even half of it....and yes, that is sunflowers the whole way to the tree line.

Then I came home and did absolutely nothing, most of the time with my head resting because it was sooo heavy and hard to hold up on it's own.

So after my rough exhausted day (weekend if truth be known.....actually the last week has been one long run of exhaustion) I happened to see a bunch of these that remind me to just push forward....to do my best and do be happy with what I have achieved.   Because as my brother and sister in law reminded me the other night on the phone when they were telling me about a person that we know that was talking about their running, I am actually doing incredible.  How many people my weight can say that they can run 6 plus miles (ok, so I didn't run six today...but I ran six a week ago.)  Ohh...and while I ONLY ran 2.5 miles today...and 2.5 miles on Saturday...I am doing it while recovering from pneumonia.  Oh, the 6 miles from a week ago?  That was at high noon....I was hungry and oh yeah, that was less than two days before being diagnosed with pneumonia.   I had run the previous two weeks SICK!  Yeah.....that is one hard ass achievement.

Recovery

The doctor cleared me to run on Thursday if I was up to it.   I was totally NOT up to it.   I planned my return for the weekend.   I had grand plans.  Run a 2 miler on Saturday....a 4 miler on Sunday and then my scheduled 6 miler in Monday.    I was ready!

On Friday, other than the coughing and tightness in my chest, I actually felt half human!    I was ready to run!

Saturday morning I laid in bed, filled with dread and nerves.  What if the missed runs wreaked havoc on all my efforts????   Finally, I bite the bullet and got out there.   

I didn't set any speed records...but I really wasn't that far off my normal pace. (Seconds really).    I ran.  Other than a twinge in my arthritic knee, my legs felt fabulous!!!  Breathing was ok....chest was extra tight from the first half mile mark onward.  But I have an incredible run.   It was so incredible that I actually contemplated pushing onward.  Maybe I could knock out my 4 miler.   Heck, maybe I could just roll with it and eliminate that 6 mile run.   That would leave me with just a light run later in the weekend.  I was on top of the world!  

Seriously, this run was awesome!   I usually stop and walk for a few seconds at about the mile mark and every half mile to full mile thereafter.  No stopping yesterday....at all!!!!

Sanity prevailed and I reminded myself that I am after all recovering from pneumonia and that I should stick to my somewhat conservative return plan.

I arrived back at my house (2.5 miles completed). and stopped running and immediately felt light headed, wobbly and 'woah, I need to sit down...right now!'   I sat on my front porch for a few minutes and then felt better!

Physically I felt better.....however the rest of the day I was so wiped out that I could barely function!!   Do I blame it on the 2.5 miles of running?  Or did I just have a wee little relapse in the exhaustion of recovery? I'm not sure.   What I am sure of?   I have re-tooled the weekend running plans.  Sunday is now a rest day and Monday I will attempt whatever I can do.  Aiming for at least 4.    (Secretly I would like between 5 and 6.....the magical originally scheduled amount for my weekend)

And my sick weigh in...the low number I posted on Wednesday....it's climbing.   I kinda figured it would.   First, I was sick.....and probably dehydrated and all sorts of weight skewing things. I have done minimal exercise.   And I'm still on an oral steroid....which I know can affect weight.   I am still tracking and moving forward though!!!

Love Hate

I have a definite love hate relationship with running.  Sick as I was on Monday (and I don't remember much about monday...I pretty much spent from 12:30 AM until about 9PM on the recliner, sleeping), I still asked the doctor when I could resume running.  Yeah, even after my torturous run on Saturday I was concerned about running.  She kinda laughed at me running on Thursday but she cleared me to run.  Well, it's Wednesday night and I'll say pretty definitively that I will NOT be running tomorrow morning.  At this point I'm HOPING for this weekend.

And here is where the love comes in.....I reallly kinda miss running.  I did get out in the car twice today as a passenger. As I rode down the roads that I typically run I found myself thinking "I run on this road"  with a sound of nostalgic longing evident in my mental voice.   Wow...go figure.

Today I actually sat upright and tried to move around a bit more.  I feel sluggish and slow but no where near as exhausted.   The cough, rattle in my chest and the tightness in my chest has not let up though.  GRRR   And the rash...that the doctor said would respond immediately to the oral steroid regime is still kicking loud and strong.   Lucky me!

The longer this goes on, the more concerned I'm going to be about this half marathon.  I don't have much wiggle room in my training schedule.   Right now I feel I can probably still recover from this week of involuntary enforced lethargy.    We shall see.

The good news from my week of sickness???  Even with being on an oral steroid which apparently causes weight gain (water retention) I have dropped 6.4 pounds.   True pounds?  We shall see if I can maintain the through next week (or through whenever I am well again!!)

So my poor little Ethel....she has arthritis really bad in her back legs and doesn't jump up on furniture anymore....I left her up if I am around (and set her down when she wants down).  I was laying on the couch yesterday and I thought it was mertz nosing around....but before I knew it...my little achy kitty cat had somehow crawled herself up onto the couch to be with her mommy!   I moved over to allow her to lay with me.  She was so proud of herself.   She has spent hours with me on the couch yesterday and today.  HOURS.  That first visit when she was so proud she stayed with me for 6 hours straight. (no, I didn't move either).    She does nap but overall she is a GREAT nurse!

Cough cough

Saturday's run...high noon....and I was probably hungry.   So while I completed my 6 miles (I was only scheduled for 5) it was not an easy run.  The whole run I was making comments in my head like 'what in the world do I think I'm doing'. And 'I hate running'   I don't expect them all to be easy and amazing. So I'm ok with it.  

The bad run coupled with the video that I watched of the half marathon race course (the course went on and on and on forever) sent me home and made me feel absolutely defeated and incapable of completing a half marathon.   

Luckily I spent Sunday with a friend that was in the DC area.  This is the friend that did cooper River bridge run with.  (And we are planning next year to do it again).   She was so encouraging about me doing the half marathon that I started to push aside the negativity.

All was good when I got home Sunday night.  The cough that I had been dealing with for the last two weeks was there and the rash that I had developed as there and I was tired but life was ok.   I fell into bed and was asleep my 9:30.  I woke up and life feel apart.   Exhaustion pervaded every fiber of my being.  Staying awake for more than an hour was impossible.    I ended up going to the doctor.    I'm now on oral steroids for poison ivy (which is actuly on my face, chest, legs, torso....im not sure where I picked up poison from). And the big kicker?   I have pneumonia   Yes, I actually asked when I can run again and told the doctor that I have a training run scheduled for tomorrow.  She laughed and said no running Tuesday or Wednesday but maybe Thursday if my body responds to the meds quickly and if I feel up to it.  She did say she doesn't expect me to feel up to it though.   And I did assure her that if I feel like I do today there is no way I would even contemplate running.

So the training schedule is taking a hit of a beating....but I'm not out yet!!!!!   As long as my body responds to the meds quickly and I can knock this out of my system I should be ok!!

Slow but Mighty

The other day when I ran (Thursday) I was so proud of my run that I had made a comment to myself while I ran.  I actually even used the phrase in the blog post that I wrote later that day.   I can't get the phrase out of my mind.

Slow but Mighty

I ran those miles.  I opened up a can of Whoop Ass on those miles.   I smashed them!  I was slow but I was mighty.  My pace may not be something that will put me in the record book for running accomplishments.  But you know what?   For me, it is a MIGHTY accomplishment.  At my current weight?   It is a MIGHTY accomplishment.   Yes, it is MIGHTY!!!  I am MIGHTY.  

I came home and within a day I ran into this picture on Facebook.  

Wow, how perfect for my Strong but Mighty thoughts.   Absolutely perfect!      You see, it's so easy to get sucked into the mire of 'pace this' and 'pace that'.   But that is just a number.  (I want my pace to get better, and yes, I do keep track of my tortoise pace, but it's just a number.) The important thing is that I got out and DID it.  I put the miles on my legs.  I completed it. Slow doesn't matter.....perseverance and completion of the task is what matters!   I'm seeing daily improvements in my running.  I'm seeing myself run for longer stretches.  I see myself taking no prisoners in my running. I am improving!   And the kicker of these improvements?   I'm seeing the improvements in the midst of being sick!   How absolutely crazy is that????   What it boils down to is this.....I may not be totally happy with where I am at.  I wish I was faster.  I wish I could run further.  But I'm totally at peace and excited about where I am!!!!  

I am gearing up for my half marathon.  I am training and I'm feeling more and more confident that I can actually complete this half marathon.  I have laid out a few places that I am interested in site seeing whilst in Philly.  (Liberty Bell, US Mint, Betsy Ross House and Independence Seaport Museum) are on my short list)  I just found out that the gal that I was supposed to share a room with in Philly that weekend has backed out.   When we reserved the room, it was clearly and agreed upon a non-refundable purchase, text messages prove this point.   But as a courtesy, I am in the process of putting out some feelers to see if anyone wants to buy out her portion...so far no luck.

My eating yesterday was off the charts.....500 calories over my budget.   GRRRR  I'm going to blame it on the cookies that someone brought into work.   Yeah, it was the cookies fault!  Right?   Ok, I know that I can blame no one but myself.   I am the only one in charge of my destiny.   It is up to me to figure out how I want it to play out!

Today it is going to play out like this.  

*I am at work until noon. 

* I brought running clothes and I plan to change here and hit up the canal right after work.   I am scheduled for 5 miles.  But the easiest turn around point (without having to check my gps) is at the 3 mile point point so I am planning on a six mile run.   There are mile markers, so if I need to, I will know when I hit the 5 mile point on my run. (Where I am hopping onto the canal is at a mile marker) So if I need to stop running I can stop running and walk back to the car if need be.  That's the best I can do for a bailout option!   I am actually pretty excited about running this area today as it will be the first time since my husband and I separated that I will be running on this section of the canal.  It was a section that I ran/walked/biked quite frequently when I was married.  It will be like returning to an old friend!  I am a little worried about running at high noon.  I usually run in the mornings and very rarely in the evenings.  But this is when I have the opportunity to run 

*If the mowing has not been done by the time I get home, I will mow all of the properties.   

*  Shower and relax and dinner.

Safelite Repairs Safelite Replace

To the man in the Safelite van this morning.  Yes, you that passed a runner on May Street between The Terrace and Oak Hill......yes you, the one that flung your hand out the window to give me the thumbs up and then proceeded to yell, "You got this girl, keep going".    I thank you.    

When I was first starting to run, there was a man and his dog on the battlefield that I saw almost every time I ran.   He encouraged me everytime.  He was there the day that I completed my first ever 20 minutes straight of running.  (Yes, he just happened to be at the exact spot that I stopped running to begin my cool down.)  His simple words encouraged me and I learned to appreciate that.  At one point when I was training for the Cooper River Bridge Run (the one that I ended up walking because I hurt my foot a week or so before the run) I had a few people that randomly made encouraging comments as I ran by.  It boosted me up and made me run on.   Angels in disguise maybe.

Somewhere along the way recently, I lost sight of that.   Oh there have been some people that have made comments but I didn't 'hear' them.   Oh, my ears heard them but I was running with my then running partner (yup the same one that wouldn't run beside me but instead always ran 5 feet in front of me...it's not wonder my running was miserable.....why did it take me so long to realize that it was unhealthy?)   and she would also grouse and growl about how 'these guys just say stuff because they can't keep there eyes off of me"  and stuff like that.  She would growl and belly ache.  I never bought into that belief but just kept my mouth shut because it was easier to let her think she was all that than try to make her realize that she was allowing blessings to pass her by.  And honestly, because I hung out with her and was surrounded by that mentality, I lost site of the beauty of those blessings.  

Mr. Safelite today reminded me.   He reminded me that comments and words of encouragement are to be treasured.  

Want to know what else Mr. Safelites words did for me?  When he yelled out at me, I was about 3/4 of a mile into my run.  I have been consistently running my first mile to mile and a half with no stops and then stopping to walk maybe once a mile from there on out for the rest of my run.   Today, after his words,  I was determined to run every step of my 3.5 miles.  I only stopped to cross roads/wait for traffic and I stopped to walk once to check my mileage.    His words spurred me on to complete a fabulous run.  A slow but might run.  And yes, I'm still suffering from this chest congestion ickiness. ......imagine what I could have done if I was feeling spectacular!!!!!

My weight.   I showed a gain of a half pound this week.  I'm not surprised.  Chinese Buffet, Pizza, free for all salad bar, free pizza delivered to work.  Yeah, I'm not surprised.  However, I know what I did and I'm planning on fixing it!