Saturday, September 26, 2015

Gut instincts

Last week on my long run I lamented the fact that at numerous points in my run I reached a 'bailout' point where I could turn away from my run and be home within a half mile.  I talked about the willpower needed to actually ignore the bail outs and continue on with my run. I vowed that I would do my long runs on the and out and back run.  

I planned it out.  I was good to roll. (  I would run on the canal and I would be running anywhere between seven and eight miles.   Seven miles was the bare minimum, but I'm an over achiever and I have pushed most of my runs about a half mile to one full mile more in mileage.   I knew where I was going to run and by Thursday I knew when I was planning on running.  It was a done deal.

Or was it?  I started to panic.  Was I panicking about the length of the run? My longest run to date has been 6 miles (A hair over 6 miles if I want to be exact) so that could be it.  Was I just lamenting the time spent, as I had tentative plans for the weekend and this long stretch of time would have to be squeezed in between work and fun?  Whatever it was....I was dreading this run like nothing else.  I wanted to call it quits.  I wanted to just put a halt to this insane torture that I am calling my  half marathon training.  I may have even prayed that something would come up to prevent me from being forced to complete this run.   

I don't want to be a quitter...

The self doubt was real.  The negative talk was real.   And on Friday as I drove home from work, I knew that my planned run was doomed.  Absolutely doomed!   Negative self talk is one of the most debilitating things to happen to progress and productivity and success.  I didn't know what do to.  I floundered in my thoughts....I tried to bolster myself by saying, "you can do this....piece of cake, it's only 1-2 miles more."  But I was in near tears.   I didn't let it deter me.  Last night (Friday night) I actually packed my bag with my running gear.  I was determined to run on the canal as soon as I got off of work.  I double checked my mileage of what landmarks I would be running to and from (yes there are mile markers but I wanted to have an idea)  No ifs ands or buts, I was moving full steam ahead.   I laid in bed and tossed and turned.   And then I had the almost near brilliant idea.  "Why not just run where I have been running lately....I can cobble an extra mile or two onto the roads and alleys that I routinely run."   Almost instantly, I was filled with a sense of peace and the fears went away.  I'm still wondering how my run will go. I'm still wondering if I'll be able to complete it.  And I still dreaded running immediately following work. (Although the forecast for Sunday had changed, so I could swap out my run day, with little to no threat of rain.)  But I'm was no longer panicked!

I don't know what the deal was but I am trusting my gut instincts and every fiber of my being was obviously saying don't run on the canal.  (I have run on the canal by myself for the last few years...I normally love it!)

Coming home from work and turning right back around and heading out for a long run is the pits.   The little voice in my head (my mini me) kept telling me to push it off until Sunday morning.  My mother said I even looked like I was about to cry.   I was that despondent and down about heading out for this run.

The first mile felt horrid!   I stopped and walked a few times.  (Looking back at the stars mile one was my fastest miles followed by mile 3 and mile 6).   Right about the mile and a half mark I had a little talk with myself.  I said 'maryfran, you are being absolutely stupid!'  (Yes I said that!). I went in and had a pep talk to myself about the fact that I can easily run a few miles.   So I should've be struggling yet!!!   I pep talked myself a bit more but it wasn't until I said this to myself that it sunk in.   'Maryfran, trust the training plan'. You are scheduled for a minimum of 7 miles.  You've done the work to get to that point.   Trust the training plan." (I'm using a Hal Higdon plan).     

I made deals with myself 'run the long roads and walk the cross over roads'.  I'm not going to say it was easy.  I'm not going to say I enjoyed it.   I'm not even going to say that I feel good now that it's done...because I don't!   I HURT!  (I took some advil.).  But I did it!!!!    

Still undecided about my future with this half marathon dealio.  But I squeezed out  my 7 miles so I guess I'm still in the game.  (I just hope that game doesn't have me walking too much the rest of the day!!!)


Lori said...

Awesome job pushing through your doubts and fears! You are such a strong person....don't ever let negative talk win! Great job!

MandaPanda said...

Great job and I love this - Negative self talk is one of the most debilitating things to happen to progress and productivity and success. This is so so true.

Darcy Winters said...

Way to go!!!!! I know all about talking yourself out of something, so this is BIG!!!!

Lori said...

I am proud of you for pushing through the negative self talk and finding a way to make things work. I feel like there was a reason that you were not supposed to be running on the canal.

If the half marathon isn't right for you, don't beat yourself up over it. You can still run for exercise and stretch yourself even if you aren't training.

MyStalkerIsFat said...

When the negative self-talk starts, it is difficult to overcome it. Good for you for pushign past it. Does the half marathon truly motivate you or just feel like an obligation? It's up to you whether it is still in the plan or not, but I would base the decision on how it works or doesn't work for you.