Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Fighting



Fighting for all I'm worth.  I have gotten lost along the way.  In more ways than I really WANT to admit.....but because I am always brutally honest on my blog I will make the confessions.

I have gained 30 pounds since I moved in with my parents.  Why yes.  30 pounds.  I'm struggling.  I say I'm going to work on getting it under control and I actually start and then it falls apart.  For whatever reason.  Sometimes it falls apart because I a go away (like the weekend at the ocean) sometimes it falls apart because emotions get to me.  Sometimes it falls apart because I am a social eater..  So many reasons. But the end result is the same.  I've gained weight and it's not pretty.

I've already admitted to the marriage falling apart.  I am struggling.  I am over my ex husband but I struggle with the failure of my marriage.  I struggle with failing.  I struggle with the label of divorcee (which I am not one yet....VERY soon hopefully).   I struggle.   It's hard to walk away from the life that I had created.....even if it was a life created upon his lies and deeds.  Life is different and I've not found my stride yet.

My job has been a bit of a trial lately.   I won't go into it, but it's not a great situation.   A small part of it is that it is a small town of 800 people and my soon to be ex husband lives there.  So as all small towns are, everyone knows everything and that's not good for me right now. 

Somedays I just want to give up. It's overwhelming to have pretty much every aspect of your life crumble around you. I try to tell myself that if everything is in a pile of rubble around me then I have the opportunity to rise from the ashes and create something fabulous.  But most days it feels like an insurmountable pile of rubble to climb over.  

And then tonight, I was driving home from dinner and I heard this song and this is MY song!  It was written for me.   Ironically enough, a few weeks ago my youngest nephew talked about this song and I listened to it with him.  And I remember saying "cool song" but it wasn't until I heard it tonight that it really hit me.     Powerful......and what a message to hear and to turn into my words.   So here it is......Rachel Platten, "Fight Song"  in video form and also in lyric form. 

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

4 comments:

Michele said...

Hi,
Long time no blog connect! I just wanted to reach out to you to give you some hope. Your life has definitely evolved in ways that you could not have imagined a few years ago. You have to think baby steps now. Thinking more than just a few steps IS overwhelming. In terms of your health maybe all you do right now is to commit to making lunch everyday for work or prepping salad stuff the night before so you have an easy dinner when you get home from work. Or maybe it is starting an exercise routine. Don't think about everything you need to do. Baby steps.

You are not a failure. Life has just thrown you some curve balls. You can do this.

LuckyMama said...

MaryFran...It's being human. We've all had highs and lows and you've definitely had some lows lately. Get back on your horse and keep moving. You'll find the right path.

Lori said...

First, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. This won't last forever even though it seems like it will. You are in a tough place in life but you are tougher. You will build something incredibly beautiful out of the rubble around you, leaving out those pieces that no longer fit or cause you pain.

I am sorry you are having to go through this hard place right now. It is rotten how life can be sometimes, especially in situations like yours. Just take it one day or one moment at a time. Do the best you can in that moment, which might be laying on the couch! You will make it to the other side.
Lori

finding lori said...

You have gone through so much and so much has changed. Go easy on you. You admit your failures and that is a big step. Change takes getting used to. Hang in there :)