I Am Proud

 

A few days ago, I posted about the cost of obesity and the emotional trauma that happens with one is obese.   Let me tell you, I had some eye-opening moments while we were on vacation. I may be shamed about how far I have allowed my weight to spiral.  I may be ashamed about how far my fitness levels have slipped, but I am proud of myself Even as I struggled over vacation with certain aspects of life as an obese person, I found reasons to be proud of myself.

 

** I am proud because I didn’t give up once, I am proud to say that while I was sore DURING the activities, I didn’t let it stop me and kept going through the aches and pains.

** I am proud because that  while I was so sore in the evenings, I never once contemplated taking a day off and ‘resting’.   Sure, I was so stiff as I walked that it looked like I was pirate with two peg legs, but I didn’t let up.  (Hey, I even have a bird so I really could have played the role of a pirate!)

 

**I am proud that I didn’t let my fears and insecurities at the Crystal Grottos turn me away from going on that tour.

**I am proud that I was able to manage the whole week (11 days actually) and kept my weight in the same 1-2 pound range.

**I am proud of myself for taking steps to ensure that vacation behaviors not carry into regular life.

 

I know that the simple answer to the emotional cost of obesity is to lose weight.  That solution couldn’t be more clear.  Lose the weight and those emotions, thoughts and behaviors will be eradicated.  Simple right?  The problem is that losing weight isn’t easy.  Losing weight isn’t fast.   And I’ve had a LOT of years of emotional upheaval due to my weight.  Working through these self destructive emotions are just as important as eating healthy and getting fit.  That is my goal.  Not just heal my obesity and fitness, but also the emotional damage.    So, lets get this show on the road!

Life as an Obese Person

 

Life as an obese person is not free. There is a price one must pay if they are obese and I don’t mean actual money.    Although; the cost of healthcare for obesity related illnesses is astronomical, that is not the cost that I am referring to.  What I am referring to is the gut-wrenching realization that your weight is once again inhibiting you from living your life to the fullest.   It could even be that split second when you have to think about your weight.  It is the panic that there will be a weight related snafu.  It is staying ahead of any potential 'fat trauma'. The financial cost of obesity may be high, but I actually believe that the emotional cost may be higher yet.

Jason and I just enjoyed a vacation.   We didn’t go anywhere special.   We slept in our own bed each night.   We spent some time around the house working but we also did a few little day trips to explore, get out and just have fun.   Even with all that relaxation and fun, I had some moments that stood out to showcase the rising cost of my obesity. 

I have already written about the first moments on my vacation that was a gut wrenching expose of the rising cost of my obesity.   That was when I talked about my diminishing fitness level.   Yes, walking around museums and racking up a whole measly seven thousand steps caused my legs to ache and scream in protestation.   Seven thousand.  Not seventy thousand.  SEVEN THOUSAND.   That is shameful!  It was embarrassing and it's utterly emotional for me.

The second thing that happened was the day we went to Crystal Grottoes. This is a cavern relatively close to us. It has been years since I have toured a cavern and I was looking forward to it.  We entered the building and I was standing in line to pay for our tickets while Jason used the restroom. My eyes fell to the signs giving guidelines.  The first item said “No large purses or backpacks.”  My mind immediately thought. “No Problem” but then I kept reading.

 

You see, they went further to give their reasoning as to why they didn’t allow backpacks or large purses.  The reasoning was because there were tight passages and backpacks would be in the way.  Immediately I began to worry.  What was I worried about?   If you are obese, you probably know where my thoughts had gone.  I was worried that I would be too big for some of the passages.    Yes, I began to fret, internally; about being so big that I would brush the walls or worse have to take the fat man’s route through the tunnel.    I didn’t let on that I had this internal dialogue rolling through my head and I was able to calm myself down when I thought about the fact that they didn’t say anything about overweight people, nor did the person taking my money seem anything but pleased that I was visiting.  And yes, it was all ok and I did enjoy the tour.  But the fact that I had that dialogue in my head is sobering.  It’s the emotional cost of obesity.

 

I can’t even tell you how many times this has happened in my life.  During school I worried about those blasted desks that had the chair and the tabletop attached, they are a tight fit for someone that is larger.   The same with some restaurant booths.  It’s a worry.  It’s a struggle.  It’s an uncomfortable fit sometimes.  Finding clothes that fit and yet look decent while covering my body in a sufficient way is another one.  I’m always worried about my shirt riding up and exposing my belly (which we all know would cause the world to stop spinning right?).   Eating out, especially at a buffet strikes emotions because you feel as if everyone is looking at the ‘fat girl’ to see what she is eating!  What about the fact that my mind is constantly searching for potential embarrassment.  When I find something I preemptively made a disparaging remark about myself and my 'fatness'.  You see, it's easier to make fun of myself then it is when others make fun of me.   I could go on and on about the emotional costs.

 These are just the icing on the cake in a world of obesity created emotions and fears.  It pervades every aspect of life.  It seeps deep into your bones.  It is a world that is foreign to anyone that has never lived this life.  It’s not pleasant. It’s not fun.  It’s just …….life as an obese person.

An Easy Hike and the End of Vacation // Vacation 2024 Part 2

  For me, this is not a good time!  Yet, it always happens!   I started to bemoan the fact that vacation was flying by about mid way through.  Yes, Halfway through my 11 days and I started to fret about going back to work.   How sad is that?

Caledonia State Park

After our day hiking at Cowan’s Gap, where I had suffered issues with keeping my breathing regulated and then that panic attack on the steep trail, I was worried about how my legs were going to feel. (You can read about that here.)   I didn’t know if I was going to pay the price for that strenuous trail.   But surprisingly they didn’t feel too bad.   So we grabbed the dog and headed to a very local state park, Caledonia.   The dog is not the greatest hiker, yet.  She tends to get super excited and it’s a lesson in patience and a battle of wills to keep her under control while we are out.   In fairness, it IS getting easier.  She settles down a lot more quickly and doesn’t pull quite as bad.   (I can’t even imagine her on the steep trail at Cowan’s Gap! She would have handled it better than us, but she would have most definitely pulled one or both of us off our feet!).   With this in mind, we decided to hike some of the easy trails near the visitor center.  It was a good hike.  The scenery was pretty and it was a nice easy hike, which in all fairness, I probably needed.   We actually hiked more miles than the day before, but they were faster and flat! 

Crystal Grotto

On Friday we woke up and Jason had a message from his boss.  A part for a client had been left in Jason’s work van and he was trying to figure out how to get the part so that he would not have to cancel on the client.   We offered to drop off the part.  That put us about an hour south of where we live and we knew we would get into something.  We decided to go to Crystal Grottos.  We had gone to the Grand Cavern years ago when we were first dating and about a week ago Jason had mentioned that it had been a long time since he had been in a cave (almost 9 years) so I put it on the list of possible vacation ideas.   Seemed like a perfect way to spend some time!   The tour was about 45 minutes and it was informative.  The tour though was a bit ‘campy’ with cringy jokes and a gazillion nicknames for the different formations. But it was still absolutely amazing to see these formations buried underground!

 

The Weekend

The weekend is now upon us and this gives us only two days of vacation left.   As sad as it is, we knew that we kinda had to wrap up the vacation mode and get back to normal.   We mutually decided to swing back into normal weekend routines.  What does that mean for us?   It means the normal life things like groceries, mowing, cleaning the bird cage, cleaning the house, making muffins for Jason’s breakfasts.  I even plan on making a batch of baked ziti on Sunday to have for dinner on Monday night.  I’m going to try to ease back into this work week routine as easy as possible.     I am hopeful that we can rattle through these chores today (Saturday) and do something fun on Sunday.  But only time will tell! 

With the end of vacation comes the beginning of a new chapter in my efforts to lose weight.  We had a few conversations and I have made a vow to give up my diet soda (Say it aint so!)  I also had my eyes opened about my diminishing fitness level during this vacation and I have made a determination that I will be working out daily. The only way to halt the decline is to exercise….so that is what I will do!  I am excited about getting started.  I have been rereading old posts and I’m ready to do this once and for all.  It is time!

Vacation Fun

 

Vacation is in full swing now.    I made a vow that we were NOT going to do all house stuff on our vacation like we did the last two years.    Last year we painted our shed! (You can check that here.)   Last year we at least did a few hikes during the week of work.   The year before, we tore down the lean to on the shed and rebuilt it.   We worked from sun up to sun down each day of that vacation from work! It was so intensive that I didn’t write a post or even take pictures!  So this year when we decided to do a stay-cation, I vowed that we were not going to spend the whole time doing work around the house, we were going to spend the bulk of the days doing fun things!   Ohhh, how best laid plans fail!

The Waterfall

I had off those two days that I spent with my nephew (you can read about that here)  before Jason’s vacation started.   On Saturday the first official day of OUR vacation (when Jason was also off) we did have some things to do around the house.  We had just come off about 2 weeks of constant rain and drizzle.  The grass was up to my neck. (That could be a slight exaggeration but only slightly.)  We knew this going into the vacation and it was planned.  (Just like another day of yardwork and mowing will probably happen at the end of the vacation week).   All was going smashingly well.  I had been doing a few things in the kitchen while Jason started outside.  I finished cleaning the kitchen and decided to run down to the basement to flip some laundry before joining the work party outside.   I walked down the steps and I knew something was wrong.  I could hear water dripping.   I looked over and one of our drain lines/sewer lines was dripping.   Luckily, it was dripping into the unfinished (but plumbed) shower that we have in the basement, so the water was going down the drain!    I called Jason and he reached up to inspect the leak and when he touched the pipe, his finger went through the pipe.   WE now had not just a leak but a gaping hole in our sewer line.  The other lucky thing?  It was the kitchen sink and NOT a toilet!   We now had a repair to contend with, on vacation.    We placed the sink out of commission (a bag over the faucet kept us from using it) and we ignored the issue the rest of the day and all day Sunday.  Well, we didn’t quite ignore it.  We researched how to repair a cast iron sewer line.  Yes, most of our house plumbing was upgraded.  But of course not that pipe!     On  Monday we started the morning at Lowes, to buy the stuff to patch the pipe for a quick fix.    WE came home and did the patch.  But it didn’t work!   We took the afternoon off from sewer pipes as we had a vet appointment for Zoey. But, that evening we headed back to Lowes to buy supplies to replace the bad part!   We got home, and realized we forgot the blade that we needed that would cut through cast iron!   So Tuesday morning it was back to Lowes for a blade!   Luckily by Tuesday afternoon I had a working sink!   Best laid plains…..I vowed limited chores around the house and life conspired against us and forced us to spend the time.

The Harper Cemetery

On Sunday we wanted to do something fun to kick off our vacation.   We threw a few ideas around and finally settled on a familiar place to visit.  We decided to go to Harpers Ferry, West Virginia.   We drove the hour there and drove around looking for a parking spot.   It was literally wall to wall people!  People were everywhere!  Finally, we gave up and said “not for us, not today”.   We instead went up into the town above the tourist area, and parked at the Harpers Cemetery.  Now you can walk down into Harpers Ferry from the cemetery and we toyed with doing so.  However, parking is limited to 30 minutes at the cemetery.  Should we risk it and assume that they won’t notice our car parked there for an extended time?   We decided to not risk it.  I know from first-hand experience that the park police DO patrol and WILL give tickets and the whole nine yards.  So we decided to explore the graveyard.   We saw the Grave of the Founder of Harpers Ferry.   WE saw some neat gravestones.   I had fun with my camera and Jason had fun with his drone.    We took the scenic route home and stopped at a few neat little places and had an enjoyable day!

The pictures?   The old US Armory Paymasters mansion is adjacent to the graveyard.   I was having fun taking pictures.   When I got home, I had two out of my multiple shots that had orbs in them.   I don’t normally see that many orbs and honestly, I usually attribute them to sun, dust and whatever.  But this was crazy!  

Cowan's Gap State Park

After two days of sewer pipes and vet appointments and other non-fun things, we wanted to do something fun on Wednesday.   We went over the options and quickly decided to go hiking.  Where was the question.   We went back to our old standby, Cowan's Gap.  It is relatively close and it is very pretty!  A lot of the time we go to Cowan's Gap and do the lakeside trail, which is about a mile and a half.  We sometimes do it multiple times to ante up the miles.  But today, I wanted something different.   SO, I planned a hike around the park boundaries.   The first trail was 2.5 miles and labelled ‘more difficult’….the middle of difficulty levels.  I felt confident that I could handle that trail.   At the end of the 2.5 miles though we had a choice.  We could take the horseshoe trail which was a hair less than a mile but was listed as ‘most difficult’ and the description read ‘very steep and very rugged.  Or we could turn ourselves around and make our hike and out and back.  I was undecided when we arrived at the park.  I decided to stop by the park office and ask.   The lady there was like ‘Ohhhh they just put switchbacks on the horseshoe trail it’s so much easier now.’   With that recommendation, we decided to go for it!

 

The first trail was actually a portion of the Standing Stone Trail, which is an 80 mile trail within Pennsylvania.  The first mile and a half were uphill but it was graded and fantastic.  This was good because the first ¼ to ½ mile was TERRIBLE for me.  My heart rate was under 100 but my breathing was chopping and erratic.  I kept stopping to try to get it regulated.  I started to count my breaths in and then count the breaths out.  I was gearing up for a horrible hike!  Luckily, my body remembered this thing called breathing and it got MUCH better. (When I first started running, this was a problem and it took me a LONG time to get my breathing down, I even had issue with it during a 5K run which you can read about here.)    We got to the top and checked out the overlook and we hiked on.   Standing Stone Trail turns into a really rocky path, but it was gorgeous and while I was going a bit slower, I still wasn’t concerned about the hike.   We finally reached the Horseshoe trail turn off. Our first words were “wow, it’s steep” .    But the park visitor lady had said it wasn’t bad so down we went.  We went SLOW.  The leaves on the ground made it slick and hid the loose rocks on the trail.  It was not fun, but I was doing it.    We were seeing no signs of switchbacks but I was fine, slow but fine.   And then we hit the first switchback.  The switchback was not any easier!   But we made it through and got back onto the main trail and all I could see was the trail sweeping down dramatically in front of me.   And I had an immediate panic attack!  I was stuck on the side of a mountain in a panic!    I didn’t really have a choice, I had to get myself off the mountain.  I kept going down.  Slowly, inch by inch, foot by foot, tear by tear.   I made it to the bottom.  I was sore and tired but I made it!   We finished up our hike with a stroll around the lake.    It was difficult.  I am sore.   But it was worth it! 

 

 We have had two fun adventures thus far.  Who knows what the rest of the week will bring!