Dabbler

I've been struggling the last two weeks. I've never been more than 100-200 calories above my goal (I'm aiming for 1300 calories) but somewhere about two weeks ago, I stopped losing.  It happened right about the time that the monthly scourge hit me....a week and a half early might I add.  So is it something within my female cycle that is all out of whack?  Who knows.    A plateau already?  Seriously?  I know the last few days I've become more lax about my eating.  It becomes a bit of a fatalistic attitude.  Why bother if the scales aren't going to show the results.  But I know that's wrong.  I know that the results will come along if I continue.  So continue I will.......

Zumba tonight........

I have set a goal.  I love to write and would love to actually follow that dream down the line.  (there, I said one of my deep dark secrets out loud).  I lack discipline...so while I have some great ideas floating around in my head, I lack the discipline needed to sit down EVERY DAY and write...in order to have a novel written...in the books....down on paper.  So I have set a goal. 1000 words EVERY DAY.  I have a tracker on my phone. (I wish the tracker would remind me if I didn't do it....hmmmm maybe I should look for a different version).  I have been writing every day.  Right now I'm just writing some fun works and some fun pieces.  Just getting myself into the practice of sitting down and doing it every day.  We'll see.

Sometimes I wished that i wasn't a dabbler.  I dabble in so many things.  Photography, writing, crafts...you name it.  I dabble.  I am told that I do a fair job at whatever I put my mind to.  I've been told that my photography is really good, that I have the 'eye' for it.  I've been told that my writing is good that I can tell a story and the reader is drawn in and invested in the story that I'm telling.  I've received praises for my quilts, rugs, cross stitch pieces, and other various crafts.  I'm not complaining...but seriously, wouldn't it be nice to be just spectacular at one thing in your life.  To be able to do one thing so spectacularly that you are successful at it?????

Am I dabbling at weight loss?

isn't the world pretty????

Success breeds upon itself.  I am feeling more alive and ready to face the world.  I know that I don't have my weight 'conquered'.   I will NEVER conquer this weight thing.  It's not possible.  I have a food addiction.  I will struggle with that demon until the day I die.  I've hopefully learned my lesson about how easy it is to fall.   And yes, I fell hard.  But I'm on my way back.  I'm losing again.  I'm eating right.  I'm feeling more alive each day that I retain control of my weight.  I am down about 8 pounds ....small beans in what i have left to lose (but still if I go from my highest weight ever I'm 72 pounds lower than that...so that's a good thing!)  But with each day I feel more alive and more ready to face the world.  I have more energy and sitting on the couch with my laptop in front of me no longer seems appealing.  I want to be doing something.

So maybe that's my next step...what in the world can I get into in the evenings.....break the habit of sitting on my butt doing nothing.  :-D

Zumba tonight.  I'm going to an early class (since this is my afternoon off) so that I can be home in time for the face off for game 7 of the Caps versus Bruins game tonight.  I'm also trying to talk my husband into going out for a bike ride this afternoon....it's a little chilly...but not 'cold' so I may be able to get him to go.  :-)   In lieu of a bike ride, maybe a walk.  Something outside...something active.  I have a plan for this evening too....a plan that would keep us up off the couch and moving around too!  (moving some desks and furniture in the house....normally I would do it on my own...but I'm not touching his computer desk without him!)

I"m contemplating restarting my photo a day project.  It really keeps me looking at the world in a really cool way.  Always looking for the beauty around me.  And as I retake my life.....I'm seeing more prettiness.

Sometimes...

I'm steadily dropping.  Some days it's a bit up...some days it's a bit down...but I can see that it is a downward progression. I'll take it!  :-)  This morning puts me just about 7 pounds down in 2 weeks time.  Once again...I"LL TAKE IT!

Yesterday was difficult.  We went out to breakfast.  I ordered pancakes and of course with those three pancakes (I may or may not have licked the plate clean...I'll never tell)  I blew about 800 calories.  Now seriously, I get right around 1200 -1300 calories a day....and I blew 2/3 of my calories by 9AM in the morning???    Todd and I had a late lunch/early dinner at 2PM.  I counted everything out and I was JUST over my calories for the day..I was at roughly 1400 calories. I was ok with that...but had a long evening ahead of me.  Around 6 I was hungry.  I wondered if it was stress and emotions.  I tried to bury my thoughts and do something.  I wondered if it was thirst.  I drank some more.  And at 7PM, I decided it was NOT those things...(well, not 100% those things) and i had some baked tortilla chips, some salsa and a pb&j sandwich ...and felt 100% better.  I had no more problems that evening with wanting to eat.  So it was with fear that I stepped on the scales tonight. I was WAY over my calories.  But surprisingly, I was down.  not much. 0.2 pounds...but I was not UP!  :-D

So I guess sometiems we really do need to listen to our bodies!

Wednesday

Last week I lost 5.8 pounds. I tracked every day.  I gave up soda (again...even diet....I will drink one here and there eventually, right now I"m not tempting myself).  And ohhh, did I mention that I lost 5.8 pounds It was a great start! 

This week I'm re-introducing exercise after my 2 week hiatus.  I'm hoping that the two weeks was enough of a rest for my foot.  I have decided to not attempt the running thing at this point.  Does that mean I'm letting that dream of running a 5k go? No, I WILL do it.  But I want to get some of this weight off before I take up that high impact activity.  So I'll be sticking to my bike, walking and zumba for a bit.  :-) 

This morning got up and it was raining...but walked anyway.  Came home and changed into dry clothes and heading to work.  Today will recommence the 'I will not be the first person to sit down' bet with a co-worker.  Last Friday we started this and neither of us sat for the 4 hours we worked side by side.  (that's odd...we normally sit on our butts all the time).  I got a text from that co-worker throwing down the challenge that since we will be at neighboring desks today that the challence recommences for the 4 hours that we will be together today.  (hey, I figured it out..that will burn an extra 400-500 calories!)   And then tonight...ZUMBA!  :-)

So I'm working it.   I've been within my calorie range for the last week and I'm trucking along!  :-)

To weigh or not wo weigh

That is the question.  I've heard proponents of both sides to the weighing daily debate.  I think it goes for each individual person.  For me, weighing each day in the morning gives me something tangent to hold on to. My number for the day is in my head all day (or for 6 days like earlier this week...lol)   It grounds me and sets me up for the day.  It rewards me when it drops.  It chastises me when I've done something wrong.  But it grounds me.  That said, I've learned so much about my body from my daily weigh ins.  For example, I know that when I'm drinking straight water and my body is used to that routine, that having a diet soda actually causes my weight to shoot up the next day. I know that it's temporary and sometimes worth it.  Why?  Look at the label...SODIUM!  I know when the monthly ick will appear, simply because my weight pops 2 days before hand.  When you weigh every day, these daily fluctuations actually become routine and explained. It's knowledge.

When I had been approaching my goal weight, I set a plan up in my head.  Weigh every day for the rest of my life.  (or every day possible).  I was willing to give myself a 5 pound leeway.  I knew that the normal daily fluctuations would be all accounted for within that 5 pound give or take.  I however made a vow that if I stayed on the upper side of my weight for a few days to work to get it off.......and if I hit the 5 pound mark...to panic and really work!    Simple plan.  My problem....I reached my goal weight and put the plan into motion.....and the very next day went on vacation, where I didn't have access to scales.  Yup, I stepped on the scales when I got home and saw I was 10 pounds up.  I had also gone wild and gotten a taste for the 'wild side' of food.  And I never recovered.  Lesson learned (the hard way).    I still think my plan is the way to go.  But hopefully this time when I reach goal weight I will actually implement the plan!!!!  

So weighing everyday now gives me motivation and drive, and is setting me up for the rest of my life.

(stayed the same today...which I'm happy about ...I ate chinese last night...that usually causes my weight to pop up a bit.  LOL)

FINALLY

FINALLY, finally my weight has budged. I've been stuck on the exact same weight for the last few days 5 days...or is it 6.  LOL   Either way...same poundage, same ounces. It's been incredibly frustrating!  But today, it dropped.  YAY!

I've managed to log my food intake all this week.  I'm pretty happy with that.   That's a huge first step...getting back into making tracking a habit.  Actually today's food has all been accounted for..I know what I'm eating all day.  :-)

Exercise....I'm on hold.  I've been really trying to take it easy on my foot...give my foot a break.  The foot is feeling much better, so I may jump back into exercise this weekend.  :-)  (with a new pair of tennis shoes to see if that helps also).

Tuesday

My weight is hanging out at the same number.  I'm getting my eating back in line though, so I'm feeling ok about it.  I dropped diet soda (that was ALL I was drinking....I want to make water all I'm drinking with only an occasional soda as the exception) and predictably, today my head is POUNDING.  Caffeine...what lovely stuff.  LOL

Thinking back and rediscovering some yummy healthy foods that I haven't made in a while.  I made Lemon Mousse and topped it with  Strawberries  today.  (well, I made the mousse last night)  So tasty and calorie expenditure is low and well...FRUIT. :-)

Easter Sunday

My weight is not budging, but it will.  Easter Sunday...no candy for me.  And while I haven't yet put my food consumption into my food journal, I'm reasonably sure that I'm ok.  :-)

Today we got up and headed out into the woods behind us.  We took the metal detector and shovels and worked played around a bit with that.  We took bags and kept our eye out for mushrooms.  And for the first time in AGES, I took my camera with the plan to take a picture of 'something'.    We hiked around the woods for 2 hours. 

We returned to our back yard and entered out house at 12:30.  I made a quick lunch and then we headed out with our bikes and did a short ride. 

I have to say though.....I'm absolutely whipped right now.  I am exhausted (I shouldn't be, I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and slept 10 hours last night) and I ache.  My wrists hurt, my knees hurt, my feet hurt...and my back is sore.  I'm just a walking ache-fest.  LOL  But I pushed on and completed my ride.

Riding makes me really think about reevaluating my plan to turn myself into a runner this year.  I'm really struggling with my left foot.  It hurts.  Riding has no impact on that sore foot and I was able to be out for an hour and doing something acitve, but I don't feel like it is any worse than when I started.  So I really may have to reevaluate this jogging thing...at least until I get a bit more weight off. 

Hurt

It hurts.  I had a half of cake sitting at my house.  I momentarily thought about cutting it into small pieces and freezing it for later. (that approach really does work when you have some control...because sometimes you really do need something sweet...and if you have a small little something in the freezer that you can pull out and pop in the microwave a few seconds....it's great...portioned and everything).  I chose not to do that though.  I have no control at the moment.  Cake...why yes I do believe I will have a piece.  The freezer is tooo close.  So ignoring the hurt, I carted the cake to the garbage can and upended it into the can.  Yup, I threw out a perfectly good cake. It hurts to throw away food that tastes so good.

Hurt...seriously....maybe I'm just too gullable and believe what people say to me.  Because then when it proves to be untrue it causes hurt. 

My foot....HURTS.  Started a week or two ago......at first it was just twinges after exercise, but it's elevating and getting worse.  So I'm not sure what's up with that.  I know that yesterday at work, wearing my shoes was torture (ok, I wasn't tortured long, I just kicked my shoes off and went barefoot....today I'm wearing clogs so that it's easier to slip them back on when I need to). 

Hurt.....actually worry and frustration.  I want to exercise.  Yeah yeah yeah, never thought I would be writing those words!  But I want to continue on with my quest to becoming a runner.  I want to go to zumba.  I want to!  So my feelings are hurt....I want to...but I'm realizing that I need to figure out what's happening with my foot.

So hurts that emcompass emotional, physical, mental...etc etc etc.  BUT a step in the right direction.  Throwing that cake away was DIFFICULT.     I'm working to set up an accountabililty network.  I'm working on it.

Self Flogging over

Ok, the self flogging is over.  I'm not saying that I'm chipper, up dancing naked in the streets (holy hell that would be a sight!..and not a pretty sight!).  But I sat down yesterday and wrote in my private journal for a while.  I broke my unhappiness down into segments and actually looked deeply at the problems.  Some of them do make me feel backed in a corner with no way out...but you know what.  My weight is NOT that way.  I see a glimmer of light.  I've scaled that wall before. I KNOW I can scale it again.  So I'm going to focus on that right now.  My weight.  Focus on the light..and move toward it.  Hoepfully some other things will fall into place while I'm doing that.....or hopefully when I scale that weight wall that I'll be able to see some other things more clearly...and see other glimmers of light that I can follow.  But I know that the weight issue is the one surefire thing I have the power to change right now. 

That said......self worth.  I am strugglign with that.  Not feelign worthy of so much...and if I"m not worthy...why would i take the time to lose my weight.  Seriously?  I'm gonna fight that thought too!

Soooo meanwhile....I've been exercising.  Trying to get out there and run.  Going to zumba.  Really working it.  And I'm feeling it.  The old arthritic knees are aching. They are a nuisance...but I know what's wrong. The thing that concerns me is my foot.  I'm having some sharp burning pains in my one foot.  Mostly after I exercise......rest helps..but when I exercise it kicks back in.  I can stay off it for a couple days and it just flares back up if I use it.  Hmmmmm....

I have not died or disappeared off the face of the earth.   I was so 'up' and then I was just tossed back to the ground.  Pretty much all my strength and focus has been keeping my head above water.   The sad part, I eat horribly out of my pain and frustration....and that just brings more self loathing.  I keep saying I'm gonna stop...but seriously, that's so much easier said than done...especially when you are constantly fighting your emotions.  Would it be easier if I just curled up in a corner and cried my eyes out?  If I just gave in to the pressure?   I don't think I'd ever stop.....

Oh well....I'm not saying there aren't good times.  I've had some really good times where I feel almost like myself. 

Rockin' the exercise!

The weather is absolutely fantastic!  I love love love it!  I was out on my bike today.  It felt good.  My butt was a bit sore today, and my right knee aches a but (which is odd  becuase it's been my left knee that has been bothering me most these last few months.)  Either way, it's arthritis. It's not an injury.  I'm going to keep plugging along.  Zumba in an hour!   Yes, I'm going to zumba on top of my bike ride.  Why not?  I was tempted to do a double zumba, but well......thought that might be overkill.  :-)

Now to just get my eating under control!!!!!

Friday

Feeling even better today....still a tightness in my chest but pretty good. Good enough that I hope to get some serious exercise in tonight.

My weight is holding pretty steady...12 pounds from where I was a week ago.  Go figure.  I'll take it!  I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth!

I really don't have much to say to day.....but just wanted to pop on and make it clear that weight loss is still VERY much on my mine.  I want to lose this weight for ME and I WILL lose this weight for ME.   I'm going to focus on the exercise for the time being. Still count my food, track and all that.  But my plan is to kick the exercise in high gear. Weight loss is really a balance.  Calories in versus calories out......  To lose weight you have two choices.  Cut your calories IN so that you are expending more calories.  OR you can UP your calories out so you are eating less than you are burning.  The optimum plan is to do a bit of both.  I've cut down and I really don't eat hog wild. (yeah, on occasion I splurge...ok ok ok, binge) but for the most part I do good.  So I'm going to kick the exercise into high gear!!!  In the process maybe even knock off some things on my bucket list!

I caved

Yesterday I was so stinkin' bold.  I was going to zumba no matter what.  Who cares that my knee wobbled and screamed at me every time I took a step.  Seriously, it's arthritis, it's not an injury (I'll be trying the baby asprin that was recommended!)...I'm going to push through it.   Yesterday the sinus pressure was making my head pound.  That still didn't slow me down...I was GOING.   And then about 1PM, my chest started hurting.  This wasn't a big deal.....kinda.  I went through all the tests about a year ago....I'm apparently as healthy as a horse, but I have these unexplained chest pains.  Go figure.  They have taped off over the last 6-9 months or so.  Every once in a while I feel a tightness or whatever.  But yesterday, they came back with a vengeance.  I laid my head on my desk and focused on breathing...because deep breaths seemed to appease pain.  I was not feeling good.  I am stubborn, I was still going to zumba.  And then while I was putting my stuff back into my bag I noticed it was gone.  My Kindle Fire was not in my bag.  I panicked.  Where was it???  Seriously, I'd die without it! (ok, maybe that was a bit melodramatic, but it caused a huge panic).  That was it.  Zumba was out the door.  I had to go home to search for the missing Kindle.  I did find the Kindle, it had fallen between my nightstand and my bed. (I suspect a four legged fur-baby of handing a hand in this crime!)

I caved, and skipped zumba.  In reality, it was probably good.  I went home, made dinner and ate.  I remember asking Todd if he would clean up the kitchen and start the dishwasher.  I remember watching some American Restoration on tv...but I was out cold by by 7:30  I stumbled to bed sometime around 10 and slept through until this morning.

How am I today?   Chest is still tight, but no serious pain.

I did get in a really short walk before work and I also walked on my lunch break.  So at least I got some activity in.  But just trying to take it easy....

A Pain in the...

Zumba last night was fun again.  It's always fun but of late there have been some gals there that make it hystarical.  We hoot and holler while we do it.  We probably look like retards, but oh well.  :-)

The problem....my knee is just aching.  I know that to keep pushing myself will get the weight off.  I know that getting the weight off will ease the pain in my knee.  But until then my knee ACHES.  My knee HURTS.  It's arthritis.  It's not an injury.  I know this so I'm just pushing through it.  It's unfortunate...but I did it to myself.  I just need to push through it. The first time I lost weight I pushed through it ....simply out of desire to be thin.   I didn't know that the pain would almost completely disappear with the loss of the weight.  This time I know that to lose the weight means to lose a good bit of the pain.  I'm not going to lie and say that my knee miraculously hurt no more.  But it was just a twinge every once in a while. 

So my response to my knee????????  SCREW YOU knee pain....I'm going to zumba again tonight!!!  Ohh, and I plan on walking at lunch today!!!!  That will be just a simple 30 minute walk...but every minute of exercise helps!

What the Heck???

So I'm exercising.  Getting that down.  I"m rolling with the exercise.  Eating...well.....I'm trying.  But yesterday I got on the scales (first time in a few days) and saw I had dropped considerable weight.  I jumped on again today....and dropped even more.  It's absolutely insane.  Are my scales going nuts?   Or is it that I'm in a much better state of mind and the weight is just dropping because I'm excited about what I'm doing for myself?   I think our bodies do crazy things like that.....so who knows.     I don't know...but at this rate...holy hangnail...I'd be thin and svelte within a few weeks.  Hardy har har har.  I wish it were that easy. 

This morning I made a breakfast casserole for breakfast.  I toasted some homemade bread to go with it.  I was eating and about halfway through I was like "I'm done"   I'm sad to say that I continued eating it. .....because it was SOOOO tasty.  But then I stopped and said "no, I can make this every freakin' day if I feel like it...it's not a special occasion where I only get this once every 6.5 years"  So I stopped.  I noticed last night that my body was screaming at me that I was done...and I did end up eating a bit more afterward...but did stop before I licked the plate clean.  This is HUGE progress.

Last night zumba was a riot.  I started and immediately my legs felt like dead weight.  Mind over matter though...I kept going.  There are two songs that are particularly brutal on the legs.  The jumping jack song from hell and the galloping song from Gehenna.  I looked at my friend who was beside me and when the jumping jacks kicked in started going "ho ho ho" really loudly with each one.  I was singing and grunting and making all sorts of crazy ass noises....and you know what??????  The song flew by....we were cracking up...but you know what...we did it!  Hopefully my legs will not be so 'heavy' and sore from the get go tonight.  And if they are...well.....I'll push through it and do it.  No question about it.  And if I have to sing.....well by all means, I'll sing.  If I have to make crazy noises to get us laughing, I'll do it.  MIND OVER MATTER!!!

Working on ME

Stepped on the scales.  I think my scales are broke.  I am showing down A LOT from where I was a few days ago.  Not sure about that.  But I'm just gonna keep plodding along and hope it is correct and not some aberration.  tee hee hee   My eating is what I really  need to focus on.  I'm not where I want my calorie count to be.

Zumba tonight!!!!

My  mind is in a good place mentally right now.  I'm working on a project.  Actually I have a few projects floating around in my head.    One I'm so anxious to start, but there just isn't enough time in the day...and I haven't started it other than write a few ideas down.   The one project I started, it's a web-based project and I'm finding it is taking a lot more time than I thought it would. I've also got a bunch more things I need to write in my memoirs, a series of stories or vignettes from my life.  I started it shortly after college on a whim with my friend Rachel.  I've written and added to it periodically.  It makes me smile to go back and reread.  That is more a project for ME.

Meanwhile, I haven't picked up my camera much in the last few months.  Winter is SOOOO hard for me.  I work 10-6 most days.  So it's cold and icky out in the morning....and it's dark when I get home.  (which I think severely impacts my emotions.)  My camera becomes lonesome.  Well I pulled it out for the first time in almost a month on Saturday..and snapped one or two pics.  And then on Sunday I went and shot a birthday party for a 1 year old.   It reminded me how alive I feel when I have a camera in my hand.  I need to remember that...and not let so much time pass before I pick up the camera again.  (the time changing this upcoming weekend should help!).

So I'm working on projects and things that make ME happy.  That are expanding and stretching  my  mind and possibly in long term make me a few bucks. 

A few picks from yesterday.....

A mental fight

I was in a mental fight with myself all morning.  I could have gone for a bike ride, but however, my limit on the bike is usually 45 degrees, nothing lower.  It was definitely lower, so no bike ride.  A jog!  I'm wanting to get back into jogging.  My knees hurt, but isn't it really mind over matter?   But it was so cold out there.  I allowed myself to get sidetracked here in the house with any number of mundane things.  I mean, seriously playing my rounds of words with friends is important right?   I looked out the window.  Brrr, it looked cold.  I guess I'll wait a little bit longer.  But I'm DEFINITELY exercising.   I wasted more time.  Looked out the window again.  Well, maybe I'll go when I get back from the birthday party this afternoon.  Yeah, that's a good plan right?  I honestly thought it was...for a few minutes.  But then reality returned.  I know that if I wait to come home I'm not going to want to exercise.  Not to mention when I get home, I'm going to have a gazillion pics on the camera.  Pictures that I'm going to want to edit.  Pictures that the mother of the birthday girl will be anxious to see....afterall, that's why I'm going to the party. (ok, I would have been invited as a friend anyway...but before that, I was hired on to take the pics).   So no, exercising afterwards was not goign to work.  The mental battle continued.  I never did make it outside.........but I did make it onto the exercise bike here at the house!   It wasn't long.  It wasn't a vicious workout.  But I worked up a sweat!  And I did it! 

True failure is not even trying!

I've been sitting around here, just whining in my head about how I am 'fat' and how miserable I am and how much I wish I would never have regained this weight and how much I hate myself for where I'm at.  Yes, how much I hate myself.  Seriously.  I hate myself more NOW than I did when I weighed my highest ever weight.  So I sit in my self induced pity party.  I sit there and don't do anything.  I've been saying over and over and over again that I am going to FINALLY change the innertube on my bike.   I got a flat on my bike last memorial day.  Yes, Memorial day of 2011.   I will say that most of last summer was horrible with my back that was not in any shape to do ANYTHING.    But while that was a valid reason last summer......it quickly became an excuse.  We've had a MILD winter.  Every nice day I would look at my bike and say "well if I just had my tire fixed I'd go out..but oh well it's not!"  EXCUSE.

Today I got home from work.  It was somewhere near 60 degrees outside today.  But my bike of course had a flat tire.  I sat here on my computer.  I didn't want to mess with it.  But then I started thinking.  I'm failing....and the real shame of it is that I'm sitting back and not even fighting!  That is the failure. 

Sooooo...I pulled out the spare tube, the bike, the pump, the tools.  And I changed my tube.  I degreased my chains and I relubed it. 

That wasn't enough.......I took the bike out and rode too!

No excuses!

Wash, Rinse Repeat

Well once again, I fell off the band wagon.   This is not good for me physically and it's not good for me mentally.

I was talking though to a friend.   We were talknig about grief and what it does.  This friend mentioned that their eye sight had gotten worse and that their hair had turned gray over night, it made me sit back and think.  Yes, I had been seing gray strands in my hair for a while...but it was overnight that A patch of gray popped up.  Could it be the grief and sadness that wells up inside me?   Yes, probably.  I had long thought that my stress and emotions were playing a part in the gray hair thing.  But then last night in the middle of the night I lay in bed, unable to sleep....and it all made sense.  This incredible grief and sadness that I live with on a constant basis is partly to blame for my weight.  I can't lay all blame on something else.  I am the one in charge, I am responsible for my weight.....but I allowed my focus to be skewed by my sadness. 

The problem?  I don't know how to deal with the sadness...I don't know how to not let it affect me anymore.  Isn't that nuts?   But, that said, I'm gonig to start standing up and being myself and making HEALTHY decisions for ME...beucase honestly, my eating and exercise routines are one of the only things in my life that I really and truely have control over!!!