Mental

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Weight loss is not a physical journey, it's a mental journey. Ohh yeah, there will be physical changes...but the major part is all mental. In emails today I've talked to friends and every time it came around to mental challenges.

1. Stress eating because seemingly life is out of control. Everything may be spinning out of control but you do have one are of your life that you can control. Your eating. It is quite empowering to be in control of something when everything seems to be spinning madly. MENTAL
2. Are you hungry at work, in the afternoon? Mental games. Chewing gum, drinking water, trying to occupy your mind.
3. We can go into the whole 'mentalness' of how this weight on our bodies has affected us emotaionally/mentally and otherwise.

It just seems as if this whole journey is really played out in our heads! Get your head in the game and it will go easier.

This 5200 mile challenge. It's gonna be a really difficult one to keep. I'm 4 days in and I'm already behind the 8 ball so to speak. If I were planning on riding 7 days a week for the whole 365 days, I'd need to be riding 14.3 miles a day.....if I only ride 5 of the 7 days it's 20 miles. Right now I'm 4 days in and I'm averaging about 10 miles a day. I need to step up the pace and work out a schedule for these miles! Optimally, I would like to get ahead and not constantly be behind. We'll have to see. However, looking at how difficult this challenge is going to be...I think I may need to upgrade my 'simple' piece of jewelry. Tee hee hee

Ok, so I didn't start out as strong as I intended. But it's all good.

Yesterday I did get on the exercise bike....only 5 miles down out of my weekly goal of 100. Yikes, I'm gonna have to work for this one!!!! I just spent the last 5 hours taking down Christmas decorations and rearranging the house. The exercise bike is now in the living room. I've got some serious peddling to do in order to reach my 100 mile goal! Being in the living room will hopefully help me!

SOoo my weekly goals:

1. Get a strong start in my yearly goals!
2. Get back on track with eating and exercising
3. Stop making excuses for why I should eat!

A new year is upon us

Sooo the year rolls to an end. Well, we are on the final stretch right now. I sit back and I look at this last year. Weight wise, it's been a total disaster. I've totally lost my way and I've gained back weight. I've gained back a lot of weight. (Hey, isn't the end of the year time for true confessions). I've only gone up one size in my clothing....so that's good at least, because it could have been worse. I have learned some stuff about myself...some personal things that I've come to grips with...things that I'm learning to overcome. It's all good. Especially since overcoming these things will hopefully bring me back full cycle into a stage where I really WANT to lose the weight. I've never stopped wanting to lose weight. But that deep down drive to succeed has been a bit absent. Me looking deep into myself has hopefully opened the way for my success.

Sooo, I'm not setting New Years Resolutions. A resolution is to hoo hum, "this is something I'm forcing myself to do". I am setting goals for my new year. Goals that in some cases are going to actually require me to work for them. I've also got rewards set up in my mind for these goals. SOooooo here they are (and Donna if you are reading this...you are getting a sneak preview to them, instead of having to wait until Monday when we set up our time to share our goals!

Ok...here goes.

1. Expand my collection of recipes. I love to cook, and have tons of cookbooks and I have tons of recipes. But eating at home and eating healthy really is contingent upon not getting bored with the meals that are being made and served. For the last year and a half I have not eaten much beef (probably 5-10 times). I've never been a seafood eater. I am not ready to give up chicken and turkey, but I'm really toying with the idea of dropping pork from my diet. Vegetarian recipes are in short demand at my place. I've picked up some here and there over the years, but not enough to survive on long term. So that is my focus. Vegetarian recipes (and nope, I don't like the meat substitutes like soy and/or tofu...which of course is still soy). I'm sure I'll still be adding some meat based recipes in, but I want to focus more on vegetarian options...and honestly, I'll be just as happy without any meat. :-)

2. Lose weight. I want to get back to my goal weight of 180 pounds. Yes, I'd like to go lower, but my goal for this upcoming year is to simply get back to my Doctor recommended weight of 180. (bmi says I should be no more than 164)

3. Add strength training into my weekly routine. This one is a difficult one for me. When I'm running short on time, I tend to skip the strength training and only do cardio. I KNOW that I need the strength training. And this is really the only goal that I've set that I'm not looking forward to. How many times a week. Optimally, I'd like to get back to the three times a week deal. Realistically, at this point...ANYTHING is better than what I'm doing.

4. Set weekly goals for myself. Keeping the main goals still there, I'd like to set weekly goals for myself. It could be something as simple as 'remember to take my multivitamin each day'. Or it could be focus on water consumption. Or I could expound on one of my main goals...but each week I want to sit down and actually think about where I am and set look at where I want to be at the end of the week.

5. And here is the biggie. I want to propel myself, via bike, elliptical, walking, jogging, stationary bike, treadmill whatever a bare minimum of 60 miles a week. That is a bare minimum of 3120 miles for the year. The real number that I'm aiming for though.....100 miles a week for the year...that's 5200 miles for the year. I am not counting my normal everyday walking, which means I'm not going to wear a pedometer everyday and count the steps that i take when I go to the bathroom or cooking dinner towards my mileage........if I go for a walk on the canal and walk 3 miles, THAT will count...but normal every day walking...nope Not unless it's an abnormal day...like a day walking around DC....or Chicago...or something like that..something that is out of the ordinary. Ok, I have an update......I made it 5 days and I realized 100 miles was not doable...so I'm changing it to 60 miles a week..which give me room to have a day of rest each week and not be riding my bike hours every day of the week! More about the reasoning behind the change here.


Rewards for these goals. I've only set two rewards. When I get back to my goal weight....a vacation of my choice to where ever I want. If....no, when I reach the 5200 miles, my reward will be a piece of jewelry. Nothing over the top in price. A simple ring...a pair of earrings. Something that I can wear...and wear with pride knowing that I propelled myself for more than 5200 miles in a year.

So there you have it!

Christmas is over. It's kinda depressing to say. The build up is sooo big and then in one fell swoop it's over. Sad.

I've made a vow to get my eating and exercise back under control. Todd and I have set up a mutual reward and we are DYING to get the reward so we are both working towards it pretty good. The reward? I'm embarrassed to say...it's a food reward. We both love Bucca di Beppo....and we actually even have a gift certificate there...so in essence it's free food. But we have said that we have to lose a combined 20 pounds before we can go there. WHew......So I want to do my part with at least 10 pounds of that 20!

Yes, yes yes....bad to reward myself with food I know. But motivating!

Soooooo back to being good. Being at my parents house over the holidays was rough. My mom always has such yummy baked goods that it's ridiculous! That and eating out and eating with them....it's just a recipe for disaster!

Weight loss is really all a mental game. It's not a thing of anything other than getting your mind in the right place. There are a few things that need to line up mentally for it to work though. Here are the things that I've learned over the years and I'm thinking about.

1. I need to like myself. Maybe not my weight, but I need to like me.
2. Going hand in hand with liking myself, one needs to feel as if they are worth the effort. It is an effort and there will be slight depravations in the journey. If one feels worthless, then those depravations are not going to happen.
3. You need to believe in what you can do it. If you don't believe in yourself, you have set yourself up for failure
4. And most importantly.....dream. Think about your end goal...dream about it. Those dreams will help carry you through the daily grind of this journey

Priorities

Above and beyond having to deal with all the food and parties during the holiday season we have to struggle with priorities. Life gets really busy and we start to run and take care of everything in preparation for the holidays. My own personal needs get pushed to the sidelines. I don't have time to write in my blog as much. I don't have time to journal my food religiously. I don't have time for me. And that is a disaster waiting to happen in terms of weight loss. Not pretty at all. So here, 4 days before Christmas I am vowing to take care of myself. I may not be able to exercise every day. I may not be able to do everything. But I'm going to be more cognizant of myself and my needs.

I have vowed that after the holidays I'm hopping hot and heavy on the healthy lifestyle again. That does NOT mean that I will be eating like a freakin' starving pig over the next two weeks. It means that I'm going to be watching what I do and taking care of myself. But after the holidays I'll be hitting the gym and going to my weight watcher meetings religiously. No ifs ands of buts!

No formal exercise this weekend

not looking good, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

But does shoveling for more than 8 hours count?

Just a pretty weekend

IMG_7808, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Still around

shovels, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I'm still around, just enjoying the winter weather! It's been crazy!!!!

Is this divine intervention?

b&w kitchen aid, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I woke up and started a very productive morning. I mixed up some pizza dough and put that to rise and then I started some bagel dough. THe pizza dough was to make a breakfast pizza for this mornings breakfast. The bagel dough was for tomorrow (as the bagel dough has to be shaped into bagels and then sit in the fridge for 12 hours or more). All was going splendidly. I was enjoying the early morning foray in the kitchen. And then, my mixer went kaplooeey. The locking mechanism on the tilt head has gone haywire...so it's still usable, I just can't lock it in the down position...so stiff doughs and foods will not be manageable in this mixer until it's either fixed or replaced. This is a sad sad day for me. I love my kitchen aid mixer. I admit, I would love to have a bigger one...and one of the non tilt head types. (that's what I grew up with in my mom's kitchen....so naturally I would love to have that). But it's been a handy mixer. I cook and bake a fair amount so the mixer has been used pretty heavily. So I"m pretty bummed out.

One of my first thoughts though......is this divine intervention? Without my mixer I'll be more limited (haa haa haa...I'm sure I"ll find a way around it until I can get a new one....I can always borrow my mom's old sunbeam...it's what I used until I got my Kitchen Aid) in my baking. And do I really need to be baking all of that fattening stuff?

No, my kitchen aid breaking is not divine intervention...but it was my first thought. tee hee hee

You may laugh at the divine intervention but there have literally been times that I've actually prayed for help to eat proper amounts and healthy stuff. One time in particular I made a pizza. I was determined to only eat 2 pieces instead of 4 (half of the pizza). I had been praying for strength to eat proper portions and to not just eat to eat...simply because it tasted soooo good. Some meals were easy...but pizza is a nemesis. I love pizza and honestly have a hard time stopping at 2 slices. Well that night I ate my two pieces and I found myself in the kitchen putting two more pieces on my plate. I started to carry it out of the kitchen and I really don't know what happened but I bummed into something and the pizza ended up face down on the floor. THat night I only ate 2 pieces. Divine intervention. Kinda a crazy way to answer my prayers...but it worked. ANd I was satisfied, I didn't go hungry that night. Nor did I get anything else. I knew immediately that my prayers had been answered that night, on a dinner where I usually have no or little control.

Nope, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon. This week was just crazy. I on the other hand am holding steady if not slowly dropping on the scales. NOthing to be too excited about, but I'm tickled to be holding steady!!!! This week should be much more quiet, so I'm hoping to see some progress onthe scales.

Meanwhile, the Christmas rush is here. I went grocery shopping yesterday and popped into one or two stores that were nearby. It was total madness in the mall area! CRAZY. I'm so happy that my shopping is done. I"m just sitting back and enjoying the season.

I'm making a big batch of taco soup today. I'll be eating that all week, and freezing some of it. It's super yummy and actually quite healthy (as it's really only vegetable/bean soup....but with the kick of jalapenos and taco seasonings). Exercise for the last week. I actually did exercise a few days. And there were a few days where I was on the go all day. On my feet and walking. Not exactly exercise...but activity!

The Meal

Italian Almond Bars, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Italian Almond Bars.....quite tasty and actually somewhat healthy!

Antipasto, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Antipasto Salad

We had a weekend of eating and socializing with friends. Part of the fun of the food experience was the planning. My friend, "V" and I talked about the food for weeks before hand. We planned, we plotted. My mouth would salivate with the thoughts of the food that we would be having. Soooo, the weekend finally arrived and the food fest began. We had a multicoursed meal. In preparing the food that I contributed, I tried to keep it as healthy as possible. I also worked to keep the portions that I prepared and the portions that I chose while we ate the meal under control. For me, it was a meal made in heaven. I got to nibble on lots of great foods and I was able to thoroughly enjoy the high of those first delectible bites over and over again with the many courses.

Soo how is my weight? Well, I stepped on the scales with some great trepidation this morning. My eyes about bugged out of my head. My weight was down almost 2 pounds from the last time that I weighed myself. Holy Hannah!

I did make it to the gym this morning and I really pushed myself!

I just don't have the words

I'm not seeing much movement on the scales, but I'm ok with that. I'm pretty much staying the same. I made it to the gym this morning...so that makes two days of exercise. So that's a good thing.

I don't have much to say right now. I've got some thoughts flying through my head....but I just can't (don't feel like it) sharing them right now. I need to think about them before I put them down in words.

Last night at my weight watcher meeting they shared a story that really struck a chord with me. The story goes:
A person drove through toll booths in and around San Francisco all the time and never paid attention the the person in the booth. She had contact with the attendents more than once a day...but never anything more than the absolute minimum necessary to conduct the business. Until one day when she pulled up to the booth. There was music coming from the booth and the attendent was dancing. She started to ask the attendent about the dancing but a car behind her started to beep its horn so she pulled out. She made a vow to find that attendent again and find out what was different. It took her months, but she finally pulled up to a booth and heard the music and sure enough the attendent was dancing away. She asked the person what was happening and the attendent answered by saying, "look at my co-workers, they are all in glass coffins" The lady looked down the line of toll booths and the people inside them silently taking money without even a smile on their face. The attendent continued. They come to work alive...get in their coffin and spend 8 hours dead and then it's like Lazarus back to life when they leave their coffin. The attendent went on to say, "me, I want to be a dancer and the state is paying me to practice. they have given me a great window office that overlooks the water, and the bay bridge and the city. What is not to like about this job." This just really made me think......life is really what I make of it.


Sooooo my weigh in.....1.6 down!

Nearing the end of my weight loss week

Ok, so I haven't written as much the last few days. It's not because I've forgoten my plan and fallen off the wagon. I've been actually totally on target with what I need to do to lose. I had two goals for my week. And my week runs Tuesday to Tuesday in regards to my weight loss...just matching it up to my weight watcher meeting that I attend. So anyway, I had two goals.

1. Get through Thanksgiving Day week (with the meal) and show a loss on the scales.....a BIG loss
2. Exercise 4 times.

Well, lets tackle number two first. Exercise. What's that???? I was not a total sluggard. I cleaned the house and cooked (we had Thanksgiving dinner at my house) so I was on my feet for hours on end. We also worked outside one day on our sheds. So I was relatively active. But did I exercise.....no, I have to say no.

My other goal....the showing a loss....I don't want to get too excited, but it looks possible.

Thanksgiving day.....all of my talk and thoughts about my food addiction paid off. I sat back a few days before the meal (many days actually) and thought about the foods typically at T-day meals. I started to think about which of those foods actually held importance for me. Which foods I would really want and which foods I was eating just because. Because I thought about this....and thought about these foods and my relationship with them, I was able to plan out my eating for the day. And I will say that I stuck with it....and was happy with it!

I feel as if I navigated the holiday with style and grace in regards to my eating. Yes, I did really good. I had my plan and I pretty much stuck with it. I didn't measure everything out...but I feel confident that my measurements were not to far off. My one splurge....I had my pumpkin pie filling (baked of course) with lunch....but when evening came and I realized that i had stayed within my points, I allowed myself to use a few flex points and have a real piece of pie. Ohhh it was fantastic! Well worth watching all day and staying within my daily allotment of points so that I could have that pie!

My exercise has been non-existent this week. Not even once! I've so got to pick back up on the exercise!!!

Plans

Ok, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't exactly been tracking what I've eaten. I've kept it somewhat under control for the last week...and basically for the LAST week maintained. However, since I skipped my weight watcher meeting last week...and I would have showed a gain for last week, I had to show that gain last night. Oh well....it's on the books. Now I just need to make sure that I go no higher. Down is the only way that I want the scales to move!

I've laid out my plan for Turkey Day. I've thought long and hard about what I REALLY look forward to in the Thanksgiving day meal. That is what I'm going to eat. If I'm not overly intested in turkey, why eat it? I think stuffing and mashed potatoes (if made correctly...both totally homemade for starters) can stand on their own with no gravy. In fact, the gravy drowns the taste. So why should I add gravy to my plate? So I've planned my eating for tomorrow accordingly. At the meal, I plan on eating what I WANT and not a lot (or even a little) of everything. Now, the turkey doesn't interest me as much for the turkey meal...but as a sandwich...yummy...so guess what dinner will be. A turkey sandwich! I do believe I'll also be working on a big pot of soup also. So it's all good. I've actually already sat down and figured out my points for everything and figured out how to make it all work. So I've got my plan....it it printed up and will be posted on the fridge tomorrow!

I've thought quite a bit over the months and years about food addiction. I've thought quite a bit about my problems with food. What it boils down to is quite simple. I don't want food...or the effects of food to rule me. I don't want to eat mindlessly. I don't want to eat for a 'high'. I want to fully enjoy food for the properties that are so intrinsic to food. I want to put food in it's proper place. Yes, something that gives me sustanance, but I'm realistic to know that it's something that I enjoy. I enjoy sampling something to discern the flavors and spices. To me that is an art. Food is an art. I have a friend that calls her new healthy lifestyle the "art of eating". And that is so true.

There is a very fine line between the art of food and the art of gluttony. But I am quite confident that there is a very clear line. And I'm equally confident that I can get this figured out. The beauty of figuring this out and walking on the art side of food is that when I'm not eating mindlessly or eating for the wrong reasons, the food becomes fresher, more vibrant and just ohhh so much more 'artful'.

Pure and simple will power is all that will help me beat the food addiction because the temptation to continue eating for that high is going to pop up time and time again. Will power is all that will beat it. In the case of the grilled cheese the other night. Will power SHOULD have ruled. After a reasonable amount of time then I should have reevaluated the second grilled cheese. I may still have decided...but I wouldn't be letting the addiction have the first say!

Rapture

Addiction.....got me last night. I made myself a grilled cheese. (3 points...not bad). I ate it and I was feeling just rapturous over the taste of my grilled cheese and the side of icicle pickles that I had. It was just delectible. When I came to, I found myself at the stove grilling up another! Ok, so I didn't really pass out from the intense rush of pleasure from the food. But I did find myself at the stove. I debated with myself. I tried to talk myself out of it. But in the end I did it. I had another. NORMALLY simply eating more of something does NOT cause the good feelings...the orgasmic eating experience to continue. However, last night was one of those rare exceptions. The second one was just as good as the first! Possibly better.

The purpose in my story? None....absolutely none. I was just sharing my slip of sanity.

I've been doing a lot of baking this week. I'm determined to make it through the week without a gain. I'm struggling. Really struggling.