Monday, May 13, 2019

Embarrassment: the added cost of obesity

Good Monday morning.  Another weekend has passed.   Another rainy weekend to boot!  This weekend I had some thoughts come to my mind in relation to weight loss.  It had to do with embarrassment about my multiple attempts to restart my healthy lifestyle.  It had to do with shame of my failed ventures at weight loss. And even more revealing, they were about the humiliation I feel when I catch sight of myself in a mirror or window while I am out and about! How did I let myself get to this point!

So let’s start with the weekend. As always it went  way to fast!  I can’t even comprehend how time flies by so fast on the weekend!  This weekend was rainy, so it greatly diminished our outdoor activities.  We talked about gearing up and going hiking in the rain....but it was a cold rain!  Yeah, we wimped out!   We did do a few things to stay moving and active.  We also got some things done around the house that have been hanging over our heads.  So it was productive!!!

As the weekend progressed I started to think about my post for Monday and even more importantly where I am in my weight loss journey.   My weight is still up, it has not dropped much since my dramatic overnight jump of 7 pounds when I started the medication for my shoulder.  Admittedly I allowed the despair of that increase to drive me to a few extra calories one one or two occasions last week.  But by the numbers I should still be seeing a decrease.  So as I pondered my next move I knew that things needed to get serious...real serious.   I was formulating the ‘new start’ post in my head.  And that is when the shame washed over me.  Yes, shame.  How many times have I vowed that ‘this is it?’  How many fresh starts have I attested to.  How many times have I failed only to a week or two later make a ‘this time it’s for real’ attestation on this website!!  (If I’m lucky it’s only a week or two later....when it’s longer the damage done is usually greater!).   It’s downright embarrassing!  Utterly and demoralizing so!

I was still reeling from my embarrassment revelation when we decided to walk through the mall and a few stores. (Hey, it was raining, what else were we to do to get a bit of movement into our day!).  Those places have a TON of mirrors.  My eye caught my reflection and I just wanted to sink into the floor with embarrassment. How in the world did I let myself return to this point?  How?  When I was losing weight the first time around, I very clearly remember saying that I would NEVER be over 200 pounds again.  Yet here I am!  Significantly over that 200 pound mark I might add!  I do find comfort in the fact that I have not gained it all back...but what I have regained is way more than any one should ever have to lose...again...or even ever!  Utter humiliation coursed through me at the sight of my overweight body in the mirror.  How could I have let this happen?

I know that I can do two things.  I can wallow in my self pity and embarrassment and make no changes.  Or I can pull myself up by the bootstraps, take these embarrassing revelations and honestly make the changes within my life to turn the shame into pride.  Yes, it is a restart....yes it is one of probably a hundred or more restarts that I have vowed.  But wallowing in my self pity is only going to bring about more embarrassment as I struggle to do things that a normal sized person can do. (For example: riding roller coasters at an amusement park, shopping at any store for clothes and not having to go to the fat women’s stores or departments, not being out of breath when I go up a few flights of stairs, etc). 

I’m not giving up.  I hope and pray that this is the last restart in my life.  But if it is not the last one...I will keep pushing forward and restarting!   Meanwhike, It is my fervent wish and plan to make the changes so that I never again have to look in a mirror at myself and feel nothing but shame and disgust.  I will continue to push forward. Victory can be had for me.  I can do this!



12 comments:

Mrs Swan said...

It is super easy to fall back into our "old ways" once we lose weight. Whatever path we take needs to be for life. Yes, there may be some high-calorie days here or there but as long as you (general you) keep on your path the next day the damage will be minimal. Yes, I did just leave a comment very similar on someone else's' blog. haha It is the truth! I too have been where your at: http://www.theswaninme.com/2018/01/so-many-times-ramble-ahead.html Cut and paste the link to my post similar to yours. LOL From Jan of 2018 even!!

mxtodis123 said...

I do know how you are feeling, because I am feeling the same myself. Like Mrs. Swan said above, I did fall back into my 'old way's once I hit goal. Finding it hard to pull myself out of it.

Felicity K said...

Sometimes you need those inner talks to remind you of your strength. It just shows no matter how many times you may fall off the wagon, you always get back up and that's pretty awesome to me.😁

Sarah said...

It doesn't matter how many times we restart. What matters is that we do. The fact that we keep trying and keep pushing forward is a win in itself.

*Sweat and Sparkle* said...

I am totally right here with you on this. I am so embarrassed that I let myself gain so much weight back already, so fast. I know everyone has noticed, and it's hard for me to look anyone in the face. I am starting over once again too.

MaryFran said...

Thanks! It does help to know I’m not alone!!

MaryFran said...

We can both do it!!!

MaryFran said...

Thanks...I’m not giving up!!!

MaryFran said...

I try to remind myself that the only failure is giving up and not trying!

MaryFran said...

Hold your head high...even though it’s hard! We can change our weight! Anyone that does judge...they can’t change their personality! We are already winning!!!

Tiffany said...

Cheering you on lady !!!!!

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