Ok, this makes no earthly sense. I carefully counted my points yesterday. I ate wisely at dinner. I did it right. And I gained? I gained??? WTF? Why don't I just go ahead and lob off one of my appendages. I mean, my arm must weight what....5 pounds? 10 pounds?

Taco soup!

Taco soup.....sooo yummy!

http://maryfransmenu.blogspot.com/2009/08/taco-soup.html

BIke news

January 12, 2009 (134 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I love my Trek. It has been with me through thick and thin...through the loss of 100 plus pounds. And I do not plan on getting rid o my Trek. I'll be keeping that for riding on the canal. My trek is what is known as a comfort bike, so not really a mountain bike not really a....well not really anything else. I love it. But you sit more upright and it just isn't that efficient. So I do believe it's time to buy a road bike. I'm looking at the jamis Ventura Comp. I was looking at the sport, but I do believe I'm going to upgrade to the comp. We'll have to see.

Food thus far today is rolling. . I haven't eaten taht many points, but they were foods that really filled me up and satisfied me (taco soup...yummy! and only 1 point per 1 cup!). That helps the points along when you eat 2 cups of very fillling soup for 2 points!

I did eat a bit at work yesterday, but I thought I managed quite nicely. So I stepped on the scales this morning. I was down about a half of pound (.6 to be exact). I'll take it. I am thus far on track today with my eating. I've figured out what I'm having for dinner and what I ahd for breakfast and lunch. I did have a snack here at work (leftovers from yesterdays party, but I have the points for it so all is well). And yes, even with the snacks, my food choices for today will have given me plenty of fruits and veggies. :-)

Here I am. I had a pretty good day food wise yesterday. Kept it together. Today I'm determined to forego the birthday pot luck meal that's sitting here in all it's glory. I know that if I start, just to even 'try' something, that I will not stop eating. SOOOO I'm not starting. I brought a fruit tray, so there is something for me to nibble so that I don't seem so anti-social. It also helps that I leave here today at noon...so I won't be tempted all day long!

My weight...stayed exactly the same from yesterday morning to this morning. But that's ok...it's going to go down!

options and feelings

So I was writing a response to a blog entry today and wrote that after a day of eating lots of good things that there are a myriad of feelings and emotions pouring through me. They include

1. Euphoria over the lingering memories of the delicious tasting food.
2. Physical illness from eating foods that my body is not accustomed to (or should I say in the quantity that my body is not accustomed to).
3. Mentally kicking myself for binging. Self disgust if you will.

Yeah, it's kinda confusing to have all of these emotions and feelings coursing through my body. But after I typed it and I'm sitting here at work, I realized that I need to make the choice. I can feel any or all of those emotions OR I can feel some other emotions and feelings......

4. Empowerment-received when I'm on top of my eating and beating my food addiction.
5. Physically strong-the food that my body is receiving gives me energy and a vivaciousness because it is what my body needs and in the quantity that my body needs.
6. Happiness and a growing respect for healthy foods. The more I eat them, the better some things taste.
7. A slight feeling of missing out from not eating the foods that I'm addicted to.

Soooo i have an option of 6 feelings. Some will go hand in hand. But my food choices will affect how I feel. Is that euphoric feeling really worth having the effects of numbers 2 and 3? On the flip side, are the wonderful feelings and emotions of numbers 4-6 enough to outweigh and overpower the negative of 7???

Sooo that is my deep thoughts for the day.

Lesson learned (again). It is easier to resist totally when it comes to food That mantra of "just one bite" does not work for me. I get the taste in my mouth and I continue to eat. It is easier to NOT even start!

Another Switch

I am so bummed out. We had grand plans to take a long bike ride this weekend! But with my knee, I know that it wouldn't be wise. I thought about sucking it up and just doing it. But considering that walking alone is about enough to make me cry.....and it pushes me over the edge and does make me gasp, well.....biking just doesn't seem wise!

I will freely admit. The extra weight that I've put on this winter and early summer is not helping. I used to have lots of knee issues...but they almost totally disappeared with the weight loss. Ironic that I've gained a bit of weight and the knee pain is back eh?

SOooo, last night I was thinking about this whole mess. A few months ago I put away the weight watchers stuff and switched back to counting my calories. I had started originally with calorie counting and lost my first 25 (or so) pounds via calorie counting. But then I joined weight watchers and I lost the rest of it through counting points. POints became ingrained in my head. Everything I ate was no longer simply food....it was a point. (or two or three...). I needed something to spark me to lose again so I switched back to calories. I think the break was good...but the calorie counting isn't working for me. Yeah, food has calories, but I don't look at the food in the same way that I did with points. Probably because calories are sooo subjective. Yeah, points are to..but it's easier to keep track of 20 some points versus 1500 calories! So as of this morning I dug out my weight watcher books and I'm going back to counting the weight watcher way. It's kinda weird....I was thinking about breakfast and I was like, "I think that has such and such amount of points"...but I don't know the exact. Which is good...it will make me double check everything! :-)

What the h e double hockey sticks is happening! I was fine this morning. I moved around the house with no problem. I drove to work (all 5 minutes of the drive) and I was fine. I walked into work and all was well. But somehow, somewhere my knee is just KILLING me! It's downright terrible! Yeah yeah yeah, I know that I must have moved it wrong...twisted it weirdly or something. But I don't want to deal with this. It's bad enough that I'm limping. It's nutty. And we have a big bike ride planned for this weekend. This SUCKS! I will try to keep my pain a secret...because I want to go on my ride!!!

disgust

I was thinking about this whole thing and I've realized that I'm just plain disgusted with myself. Disgusted that that I seemingly have no control over myself (as weird as that sounds). Disgusted at what i eat. Disgusted at what I weigh. Disgusted at how my clothes fit (or don't fit as the case may be).

Yes, it's my fault...but that doesn't stop the problem or take away the self disgust.

I don't even know what to say about dinner last night. Well, I'll start and say that what I did order tasted heavenly! However, I had the choice of ...oh wait...I really didn't have a choice when it came down to it. The menu was heavy heavy seafood...which I do not eat. They had on vegetarian dish....portabello something or over...but I don't eat mushrooms. And they had two or three beef dishes...but oh yeah, I don't eat beef. So i had the choice of one thing. Stuffed chicken...stuffed with proccettio (spelling?) and gouda. Served over a bed of fettucine alfredo. It was garnished with...joy of joys....steamed zucchini. Not that I don't like zucchini...but it's coming out of every orafice of my body as it is...so to go out to eat and get it on the side (I wasn't aware that it would be on the side...not that it would have made any difference). That was the only chicken meal on the menu! So that is what I got. After we ate we ran to the store. We've got a couple parties coming up at work in the next week..so I've got some baking to do......so I had to pick up a few things. We saw the ice cream aisle and low and behold we just had to buy some for mudslides...which we had when we got home. Sooooo not a blockbuster of a day eating wise!!! At least I got that ride in yesterday morning.

Didn't ride this morning...but we did go for a walk! That counts for something doesn't it????

Todd and I were watching Dr. G Medical Examiner last night on Tv. The show was centered upon diagnosis' that are basically a result of poor choices by the decedent. The first guy was a guy that weighed 400 pounds....Dr. G. talked about how the obesity of this patient just made things so much more difficult in diagnosis...even after his death. What got me and just really made me think was when she was talking about how she had to cut through 8-10 inches of fat before she could even see the organs. And then it was a battle of moving all of that fat out of the way. She talked about how during an autopsy of an obese person, that everything is just so greasy. Greasey? That is what got me. Grease? Well, yeah, it makes sense...fat is basically coagulated grease (well, kinda). But that is what got to me....that my stomach, is a big pile of grease. Well looky there. I looked at Todd and he looked at me. I had just finished my brownie and a glass of milk. He still had a few bites of his brownie and ice cream (he had ice cream, I chose not to) to eat. We both looked at our plates...mine empty and his with a few bites and it put a whole new spin on eating junk food.

Productive this morning. Woke up and got all of the laundry done. (well, the last load is in the dryer and needs folded). Washed the dishes (how do they pile up so quickly...I had cleaned them all after dinner last night). I played with lil' mertz. Checked my email. AND I hopped on that darn bike and rode this morning!

Now to just get my eating under control today. We are going out to eat with friends tonight to a place I've never been...so I'm not sure how I'll do. I'll try my best though.

Soooo...does dehydration from Sunday cause a headache on Monday? Because I surely do have a headache and a half. And I'm sluggish as all get out. I feel as if I lack any sort of energy. Whew. I am sitting here guzzling the water. I need to get myself back on track with that....and if possible wipe out the effects of yesterday. Because while I actually drank well over a gallon of water yesterday it was so stinkin' hot that well......it wasn't enough apparently. It wasn't until I was going to bed that I realized that I hadn't had to use the bathroom since I had awoken....even after drinking well over a gallon of water throughout the day!

The knee this morning is ok. Still not quite right but not painful. So that's all that matters.

lock gate lock 3

lock gate lock 3, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Todd and I woke up early this morning and we were determined to get out on the canal early and beat the heat. So off we headed. Ok, ok ok, by the time we actually got ourselves and the bikes loaded into the car it wasn't all that early...but you get the point. Sooo we headed to Edwards Ferry. There is no ferry there anymore, but there is parking and it just happened to be the beggining point for a section of the canal that we had never been on. Mapquest (yeah yeah yeah...my bad for using and relying on mapquest) told me it was about an hour and fifteen minutes from the house. Uhhh no. Ohhh yeah, and the directions were wrong. But no problem.....we just went on down to Rockville and hopped onto the canal at Great Falls. And thusly we decided to bike into DC....Georgetown to be exact. Right at about 29 miles total. Did I say it was stinkin' hot? Oh yeah and it was probably about 10:30 or 11 by the time we actually got on the bike. Oh yeah, and did I mention that since the original plan was to bike early we planned on lunch after the ride. Uhhh yeah...you see the problem. Well first of all, it was a delightful ride. It only felt hot when we stopped (on the way back that was frequently for pictures). We also stopped at Fletchers and I got an extra drink (gatorade) and Todd got a dr. Pepper. (thank heavens). We didn't get back to the car until what was it...2??? Maybe even 2:30 (no, we don't bike at any great speed....we cruise and lets not forget we stop for pictures!) We were hungry campers! HUNGRY! Hungry is actually not even a strong enough word. I had had toast for breakfast at 7AM. NOT enough to fuel me for a bunch of hours on a bike in 95 plus degree weather! Oh yeah, and my pesky arthritis started to kick at about mile 15 and by the time I got back to the car, I was literally in tears with the pain. As we drove out of the parking lot I was literally sobbing in pain. By the time we got to the restaurant (Bertucci's) the pain had subsided but my knee still has twitches of pain and just feels 'not quite right'.

But anyway.....it was a GREAT ride. LOVED the day!

lucy

lucy, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, this is my doll baby Lucy. She's having some issues as she is not really happy that we have brought a kitten into the house. BUT, Lucy hates to have her picture taken so to get a picture of her so calm and still is somewhat rare. How did we do it? Last night we had lil' mertz out in the living room and we were playing with her. Desi and Ethel of course joined in on the fun. Lucy sat and kept her eye on the imposter kitty. You can see the intenseness in her eyes can't you?

My weight.....gonna go down. I did drop a bit this morning on the scale, so I'm tickled with that.

I think for me, I'm actually living my worst fear. My biggest nightmare. That utterly terrible thing. Losing a lot of weight and then slowly gaining the weight back. Yes, I've still lost over 100 pounds....but barely. If I gain back 5 more pounds, I'll lose tha 100 pound goal status. Yes, 100 pounds is still an incredible feat. But I KNOW that I'm not at a healthy weight for me right now. I do think my 180 weight was a nice weight for me. Yeah, I could have stood to lose a bit more...but it was a good weight. But that said, I no longer weight 180 pounds and I have done what I said I would never do...and that is gain weight. Well, not specifically gain weight. I knew that I woudl gain some and lose some....just not in the amount that I have done. AND not to push myself back over that 200 line. I think that I need to get past that feeling of being an utter failure and stop worrying about my worst fears. I'm already living my worst fears and I'm still alive to talk about it.

Yes, yes yes, I know..I can turn this around and stop living my worst fear....and I'm trying!

I was reading a blog entry (sorry, I can't remember which) and the person talked about how they had been eating poorly and they were feeling sluggardly and just icky. Well hello! I have the same problem when I eat poorly. And I think about it and realize that it is my food choices and I'm like "wow, that's somewhat cool that my body is telling me that it doesn't like that junk food". But time and time again i give it the junk food. Go figure. Wonder how long it takes to learn a lesson. (in my case a long time apparently).

Interestingly enough, Todd and I have been eating a heck of a lot of produce from the garden. So mostly a vegetarian diet. Oh yeah and of course organic...no bad icky stuff added to our soil or sprayed on our plants and produce. And voila...his IBS has disappeared almost totally this week.

double chocolate zucchini cake

double chocolate zucchini cake, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

http://maryfransmenu.blogspot.com/2009/08/double-chocolate-zucchini-cake.html

I'm going to cheat on my entry today. I was writing an email to a friend and kept saying to myself...wow, I need to say this or talk about this on my blog. I finally decided to just copy and past the email. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. Oh wait.....it's all about me and I'm definitely not innocent!

Well......once again I'm disgusted to say that my weight is up. I don't know what is wrong with me. I want this so badly...but i just can't seem to get control of myself. I literally will be saying, "I'm not going to eat that piece of cake" WHILE I'm picking it up and shovelling it into my mouth! Maybe I have mental issues. LOL


Turning a new leaf....gonna change and just simply 'do it'. Somehow get my mind and my actions on the same page! (are you feeling a sense of de ja vu?)

Tonight Todd and I are going grocery shopping. He has something scheduled for Saturday morning (I work...no biggie) but the rest of the weekend is free. So I want to get the groceries out of the way. :-) So last night I got everything that was possible prepared for tonight's meal (it's a vegetable stir fry type of meal that I found in this book that I have...that I love...nothing has tasted bad that i've made out of it. Anyway, this recipe uses....are you ready? zuchinin!!!!) So dinner tonight is vegetable skillet thingy, minted green beans (sounds interesting doesn't it?) applesauce and I saved two small pieces of a cake I made last night for dessert.


Yes, I baked last night. I made a low fat double chocolate zucchini cake. Zucchini muffins. Dill Yeast Bread. And of course the next steps to the pickles that I'm working on. :-) Wait wait wait....before you panic and think that my leaf will not be turned. The zucchini muffins are for Todd's breakfasts. (I don't like nuts...so if I put nuts in them I won't eat them). The double chocolate zucchini cake has been cut into servings and brought to work. I did save out two small pieces for our dessert tonight. Other than that..the cake is already out of my house. And the dill bread....I'm not a big fan of dill....but Todd loves it! Crisis averted!

Wednesday Update

harvest, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yesterday....I ordered so carefully at lunch yesterday while I was out with my friend. I ordered a turkey sandwich and got a salad. BUT then we split a dessert. And when it came it was HUGE. 4 people could have had it and the serving size for each would have STILL been bigger than we should have had. YIKES! Todd and I did work outside some yesterday afternoon. As I was working outside I walked through the garden. I swear, on Sunday I picked that garden clean! And I pulled a ton of stuff out of there yesterday! Soooo after working outside, I ended up working inside and made a batch of tomato sauce, put the cukes into a brine of lime to make some more pickles. Breaded the zucchini and froze that (flat on a cookie sheet, I'll bag them tonight). I chopped and foze the green peppers. And the jalapeno and banana peppers I prepared and froze. Then I made dinner. Fried zucchini, plums and baked corn. YUMMY!

This morning I woke up and made us breakfast...chipped beef gravy. This is the only beef product that I still like. Go figure. And then we headed outside. We worked outside for about an hour and then I went in and cleaned the house. Joy joy. So here I am at work. A 6 hour day today. Home this evening and I need to rinse the lime cukes and put them on to soak for the next step in the cinnamon pickles (then at 9 I'll have to put them on the stove to simmer for a few hours). And I also need to rince the salt from the other cukes that have been soaking in salt water for the last week and pour boiling water over those so that they can soak in that for the next 24 hours...they will be sweet icicle pickles. I'm hoping to get some kind of exercise in between pickle steps tonight! Well, between pickle steps and between giving lovin' to lil' mertz. I feel so bad for her because she's cooped up in the master bathroom by herself!

Best laid plans seem to fail. I got home and Todd was out picking up gas for the chipper....he got home and by then it was 7. He was like, lets just work tomorrow and not work outside tonight. Well, part of me was tickled to death because I really didn't want to work outside last night, I mean...wasn't the morning weeding enough? (haa haa haa) So I wasn't overly upset. But this morning I look back and want to kick myself. The reason? Dinner was planned around our heavy outdoor work. I had chosen a meal for dinner that was a littler higher in calorie count. I try to plan those types of meals around our activities. When we are active, I can make those meals. When we are more sluggardly I make the lower calorie count meals. Makes sense. UNTIL something throws a monkey wrench in the works. The rain threw that darn monkey wrench on Sunday. Plain laziness and time constraints did it yesterday.

Somehow, someway...I have to balance everything that's going on in my life. It seems as if I run run run and get stuff done...but no where near enough of what I need/want to get done. Yeah, the canning is caught up (as of SUnday night) and the weeding in the garden is done. The laundry is halfway done, the house is relatively clean and I did work yesterday. But did I get any formal exercise in the last two days? No! I bought some antique bottles for my collection on Saturday. I haven't had the chance to even look at them until this morning...and all I did was unwrap them so that the bags were not sitting around. How does one chose what is important? I'd say that exercise should be right up there. But yet we eat the produce from our garden year round...so I'd say canning is right up there also. Work? Well, yeah...that's pretty darn important. Clean clothes? Saturday was a day for me.....mental health...I had to take a break from it all. I guess I'm balancing it all except for exercise and I just don't know how to effectively get that in. ARRGGGHHH

Woke up this morning and forgot to weigh myself in my haste to get out and weed some beds. We got most of the flower beds weeded and all of the strawberry beds done. Woo hooo! How exciting is that. Hopefully when I get off work tonight we can go out and run the chipper and get some more mulch on those beds.

I haven't put my food into a planner, but I plan on doing that soon. Actually I haven't entered my food for the last few days. Just too busy!!! I will fix that here soon!