I survived my first week of work! It was nerve wracking at moments. Fun at other moments. Tiring each day. And well, if I want to be honest, it wasn't a terrible return to the working world. (Although I would still love to be able to NOT have to work!) But one thing that really hit home this week was how damaged I am from my last job. I've always known that words have the power to damage us deeply, but in all my years on earth I never really saw it as clearly as I did this week,my first week of training for my new job.
So lets start with my new job. I left early that first day. I had to drive to Harrisburg (about 60 miles from my house) for training for the complete first week, which due to the holiday was actually only a 4 day work week. I found the building with no problem and even had time to swing into a local store to use the bathroom so that I wouldn't have to walk in, introduce myself and immediately have to ask for the restrooms. The commute wasn't difficult, only one day did I run into any issues (on the way home) that caused my drive to be longer. The trainer was laid back and nice. And most of the people in my training class are super nice. As I suspected, it was nice to be with people again. Working from home is fabulous, but it is very isolating. (That said, I do still kinda wish I were working from home still....but I can see the benefits of working in the office..WITH PEOPLE.)
Training was not too difficult. I have worked in a bank so much of the basic information that was given over the week was just a refresher. Which is good as I haven't worked in a bank setting for about 8 years. Really for me I need to learn the system that we will be using, the updated regulations and how this bank wants to proceed with various things. So being fair it wasn't too terribly mentally taxing for me. That being said, I was still totally focused and trying to pick it all up. That, combined with commute and of course just the act of working again after 6 months and I was wiped out! By Wednesday night I was sitting in my chair in the living room and was sound asleep by 7:30. I remember Jason saying "You better wake up, otherwise you will have problems sleeping tonight." I answered "I"m not sleeping, I"m kinda listening to the TV." Of course I was sleeping! But he was wrong about one thing, I slept soundly all night long also and only woke up about a half hour before the alarm. But overall, the training wasn't too difficult and I feel that I got a good grasp on everything that we went over in class during the four days.
The problem for me was the residual damage of the powerful words that I heard for the last two years at my last job. I wrote a few posts ago about the stress of life for the last few years. (you can read that here) In that post I talked about the associate that was directly above me in the line of power. She was vicious. She was cruel. She was downright mean in the way that she said things to us. My friend Linda (the same Linda that I just had a weekend girls get away with) has actually in the last six months used the word abusive in regards to the treatment of this 'superior'. (And yes, I had gone higher up to discuss the treatment, but it just made things worse with this lady of power, who was aptly named Karen.) I had gotten away from it when I got laid off, and I thought that the last 6 months had been a time of healing for me. How wrong I was.
The first day of our actual training was going well. I was feeling comfortable and dare I say maybe even enjoying myself.....and then it happened. We were given an activity to complete on our own. It was a simple activity. It was a scavenger hunt within the intraweb of the company. We weren't being graded on it, it was just so that we could get familiar with the intraweb. It should have been fun. It should have been easy. Yet the task threw me into a spiral of panic. Karen had beat it into my that I made constant errors, that I was a screw up, that I was basically worthless. Even though she kept giving me more responsibility and jobs....I know, her words didn't match her actions, but dang if those words don't hurt! (She also did it to other people, so I knew even at the time that she was just mean and it wasn't just me....but still....those words hit hard.) So I sat with that activity in front of me at this new job, stomach rolling with fear. I feared that I would get every answer incorrect. I feared that I would be the only one that didn't even have my scavenger hunt done when it was time to review. I feared that I couldn't find the answers. I feared so much ......over a silly learning game.
But do you know what? I finished my scavenger hunt just fine, and in the time limit (heck, even earlier than the time limit). I had found all of the answers. I even got them all right! I breathed a sigh of relief! I talked to Linda about it on the drive home. She told me that she had gone through the same thing when she went to her new place of employment. I was happy to hear that I wasn't alone.
The next day was the same thing. When it came time for me to break off and do something individually I was driven to panic. Yet I persevered and didn't let my panic derail me. I again passed the roadblock with flying colors. I wasn't struggling. I wasn't getting anything incorrect. I wasn't even the straggler in the class who was always painfully bringing up the rear with any task/activity. Every task. Each day. The panic set in. I kept up a constant stream of positive talk to myself, reminding myself that other than my years under 'Karen' that I had never had a problem and that all of the tasks that I had been asked to do previously in the week I had managed with ease. Slowly throughout the week it started to get better. I was less panicked each time. I had figured out in my heart that I was more than capable and that it really just words in my head that were telling me that I was incapable.
I don't think for even a second that the damage from the harmful words has been fixed. I am pretty sure that Karen's words will come flying back and hit me square in the forehead time and time again. But I'm not going to let her win! I will keep pushing forward and proving to myself that everything that she said was a falsehood.
Week one is completed and I am heading into week two. This is still a week of training. This week will be divided between my home office (three days) and the Harrisburg training classroom (two days). So two days will require me to travel. Monday and Tuesday will have me in the office shadowing my mentor. Wednesday and Thursday I will be back in the classroom training and then starting Friday I will be back in the office and the mentor will be shadowing me for two days (scheduled two...but if Karen was right, it will be longer....hahahaha). After that I should be good to go in the office, at least until the next training class for the next component of my job comes up which should be in August...then it will be back in the classroom for the next step in my training.
I am excited to get into my office and meet my coworkers and get a feel for how the environment is at my actual office and that will happen on Monday! And of course this upcoming week will mark my first 5 day week back! And ok, it feels good to be know that I am once again working and NOT unemployed. Now just to get those mean words out of my head! But I am working on it.
Ohhh......and Zoey, my crazy dog. We were super worried about her. She hasn't been alone during the day much. Short spurts and times in the last 6 months, up to about 8 hours but nothing longer. Remember for most of her life I have been working at home and within 20 feet of her 24/7. She did really well during the first week. No messes. She was super crazy excited to have me come home but she seems to be handling it well and while she is obviously saddened to see me go in the morning (oh yes, she puts on the most pitiful face) she doesn't seem to be affected overall!
