Hurt

It hurts.  I had a half of cake sitting at my house.  I momentarily thought about cutting it into small pieces and freezing it for later. (that approach really does work when you have some control...because sometimes you really do need something sweet...and if you have a small little something in the freezer that you can pull out and pop in the microwave a few seconds....it's great...portioned and everything).  I chose not to do that though.  I have no control at the moment.  Cake...why yes I do believe I will have a piece.  The freezer is tooo close.  So ignoring the hurt, I carted the cake to the garbage can and upended it into the can.  Yup, I threw out a perfectly good cake. It hurts to throw away food that tastes so good.

Hurt...seriously....maybe I'm just too gullable and believe what people say to me.  Because then when it proves to be untrue it causes hurt. 

My foot....HURTS.  Started a week or two ago......at first it was just twinges after exercise, but it's elevating and getting worse.  So I'm not sure what's up with that.  I know that yesterday at work, wearing my shoes was torture (ok, I wasn't tortured long, I just kicked my shoes off and went barefoot....today I'm wearing clogs so that it's easier to slip them back on when I need to). 

Hurt.....actually worry and frustration.  I want to exercise.  Yeah yeah yeah, never thought I would be writing those words!  But I want to continue on with my quest to becoming a runner.  I want to go to zumba.  I want to!  So my feelings are hurt....I want to...but I'm realizing that I need to figure out what's happening with my foot.

So hurts that emcompass emotional, physical, mental...etc etc etc.  BUT a step in the right direction.  Throwing that cake away was DIFFICULT.     I'm working to set up an accountabililty network.  I'm working on it.

Self Flogging over

Ok, the self flogging is over.  I'm not saying that I'm chipper, up dancing naked in the streets (holy hell that would be a sight!..and not a pretty sight!).  But I sat down yesterday and wrote in my private journal for a while.  I broke my unhappiness down into segments and actually looked deeply at the problems.  Some of them do make me feel backed in a corner with no way out...but you know what.  My weight is NOT that way.  I see a glimmer of light.  I've scaled that wall before. I KNOW I can scale it again.  So I'm going to focus on that right now.  My weight.  Focus on the light..and move toward it.  Hoepfully some other things will fall into place while I'm doing that.....or hopefully when I scale that weight wall that I'll be able to see some other things more clearly...and see other glimmers of light that I can follow.  But I know that the weight issue is the one surefire thing I have the power to change right now. 

That said......self worth.  I am strugglign with that.  Not feelign worthy of so much...and if I"m not worthy...why would i take the time to lose my weight.  Seriously?  I'm gonna fight that thought too!

Soooo meanwhile....I've been exercising.  Trying to get out there and run.  Going to zumba.  Really working it.  And I'm feeling it.  The old arthritic knees are aching. They are a nuisance...but I know what's wrong. The thing that concerns me is my foot.  I'm having some sharp burning pains in my one foot.  Mostly after I exercise......rest helps..but when I exercise it kicks back in.  I can stay off it for a couple days and it just flares back up if I use it.  Hmmmmm....

I have not died or disappeared off the face of the earth.   I was so 'up' and then I was just tossed back to the ground.  Pretty much all my strength and focus has been keeping my head above water.   The sad part, I eat horribly out of my pain and frustration....and that just brings more self loathing.  I keep saying I'm gonna stop...but seriously, that's so much easier said than done...especially when you are constantly fighting your emotions.  Would it be easier if I just curled up in a corner and cried my eyes out?  If I just gave in to the pressure?   I don't think I'd ever stop.....

Oh well....I'm not saying there aren't good times.  I've had some really good times where I feel almost like myself. 

Rockin' the exercise!

The weather is absolutely fantastic!  I love love love it!  I was out on my bike today.  It felt good.  My butt was a bit sore today, and my right knee aches a but (which is odd  becuase it's been my left knee that has been bothering me most these last few months.)  Either way, it's arthritis. It's not an injury.  I'm going to keep plugging along.  Zumba in an hour!   Yes, I'm going to zumba on top of my bike ride.  Why not?  I was tempted to do a double zumba, but well......thought that might be overkill.  :-)

Now to just get my eating under control!!!!!

Friday

Feeling even better today....still a tightness in my chest but pretty good. Good enough that I hope to get some serious exercise in tonight.

My weight is holding pretty steady...12 pounds from where I was a week ago.  Go figure.  I'll take it!  I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth!

I really don't have much to say to day.....but just wanted to pop on and make it clear that weight loss is still VERY much on my mine.  I want to lose this weight for ME and I WILL lose this weight for ME.   I'm going to focus on the exercise for the time being. Still count my food, track and all that.  But my plan is to kick the exercise in high gear. Weight loss is really a balance.  Calories in versus calories out......  To lose weight you have two choices.  Cut your calories IN so that you are expending more calories.  OR you can UP your calories out so you are eating less than you are burning.  The optimum plan is to do a bit of both.  I've cut down and I really don't eat hog wild. (yeah, on occasion I splurge...ok ok ok, binge) but for the most part I do good.  So I'm going to kick the exercise into high gear!!!  In the process maybe even knock off some things on my bucket list!

I caved

Yesterday I was so stinkin' bold.  I was going to zumba no matter what.  Who cares that my knee wobbled and screamed at me every time I took a step.  Seriously, it's arthritis, it's not an injury (I'll be trying the baby asprin that was recommended!)...I'm going to push through it.   Yesterday the sinus pressure was making my head pound.  That still didn't slow me down...I was GOING.   And then about 1PM, my chest started hurting.  This wasn't a big deal.....kinda.  I went through all the tests about a year ago....I'm apparently as healthy as a horse, but I have these unexplained chest pains.  Go figure.  They have taped off over the last 6-9 months or so.  Every once in a while I feel a tightness or whatever.  But yesterday, they came back with a vengeance.  I laid my head on my desk and focused on breathing...because deep breaths seemed to appease pain.  I was not feeling good.  I am stubborn, I was still going to zumba.  And then while I was putting my stuff back into my bag I noticed it was gone.  My Kindle Fire was not in my bag.  I panicked.  Where was it???  Seriously, I'd die without it! (ok, maybe that was a bit melodramatic, but it caused a huge panic).  That was it.  Zumba was out the door.  I had to go home to search for the missing Kindle.  I did find the Kindle, it had fallen between my nightstand and my bed. (I suspect a four legged fur-baby of handing a hand in this crime!)

I caved, and skipped zumba.  In reality, it was probably good.  I went home, made dinner and ate.  I remember asking Todd if he would clean up the kitchen and start the dishwasher.  I remember watching some American Restoration on tv...but I was out cold by by 7:30  I stumbled to bed sometime around 10 and slept through until this morning.

How am I today?   Chest is still tight, but no serious pain.

I did get in a really short walk before work and I also walked on my lunch break.  So at least I got some activity in.  But just trying to take it easy....

A Pain in the...

Zumba last night was fun again.  It's always fun but of late there have been some gals there that make it hystarical.  We hoot and holler while we do it.  We probably look like retards, but oh well.  :-)

The problem....my knee is just aching.  I know that to keep pushing myself will get the weight off.  I know that getting the weight off will ease the pain in my knee.  But until then my knee ACHES.  My knee HURTS.  It's arthritis.  It's not an injury.  I know this so I'm just pushing through it.  It's unfortunate...but I did it to myself.  I just need to push through it. The first time I lost weight I pushed through it ....simply out of desire to be thin.   I didn't know that the pain would almost completely disappear with the loss of the weight.  This time I know that to lose the weight means to lose a good bit of the pain.  I'm not going to lie and say that my knee miraculously hurt no more.  But it was just a twinge every once in a while. 

So my response to my knee????????  SCREW YOU knee pain....I'm going to zumba again tonight!!!  Ohh, and I plan on walking at lunch today!!!!  That will be just a simple 30 minute walk...but every minute of exercise helps!

What the Heck???

So I'm exercising.  Getting that down.  I"m rolling with the exercise.  Eating...well.....I'm trying.  But yesterday I got on the scales (first time in a few days) and saw I had dropped considerable weight.  I jumped on again today....and dropped even more.  It's absolutely insane.  Are my scales going nuts?   Or is it that I'm in a much better state of mind and the weight is just dropping because I'm excited about what I'm doing for myself?   I think our bodies do crazy things like that.....so who knows.     I don't know...but at this rate...holy hangnail...I'd be thin and svelte within a few weeks.  Hardy har har har.  I wish it were that easy. 

This morning I made a breakfast casserole for breakfast.  I toasted some homemade bread to go with it.  I was eating and about halfway through I was like "I'm done"   I'm sad to say that I continued eating it. .....because it was SOOOO tasty.  But then I stopped and said "no, I can make this every freakin' day if I feel like it...it's not a special occasion where I only get this once every 6.5 years"  So I stopped.  I noticed last night that my body was screaming at me that I was done...and I did end up eating a bit more afterward...but did stop before I licked the plate clean.  This is HUGE progress.

Last night zumba was a riot.  I started and immediately my legs felt like dead weight.  Mind over matter though...I kept going.  There are two songs that are particularly brutal on the legs.  The jumping jack song from hell and the galloping song from Gehenna.  I looked at my friend who was beside me and when the jumping jacks kicked in started going "ho ho ho" really loudly with each one.  I was singing and grunting and making all sorts of crazy ass noises....and you know what??????  The song flew by....we were cracking up...but you know what...we did it!  Hopefully my legs will not be so 'heavy' and sore from the get go tonight.  And if they are...well.....I'll push through it and do it.  No question about it.  And if I have to sing.....well by all means, I'll sing.  If I have to make crazy noises to get us laughing, I'll do it.  MIND OVER MATTER!!!

Working on ME

Stepped on the scales.  I think my scales are broke.  I am showing down A LOT from where I was a few days ago.  Not sure about that.  But I'm just gonna keep plodding along and hope it is correct and not some aberration.  tee hee hee   My eating is what I really  need to focus on.  I'm not where I want my calorie count to be.

Zumba tonight!!!!

My  mind is in a good place mentally right now.  I'm working on a project.  Actually I have a few projects floating around in my head.    One I'm so anxious to start, but there just isn't enough time in the day...and I haven't started it other than write a few ideas down.   The one project I started, it's a web-based project and I'm finding it is taking a lot more time than I thought it would. I've also got a bunch more things I need to write in my memoirs, a series of stories or vignettes from my life.  I started it shortly after college on a whim with my friend Rachel.  I've written and added to it periodically.  It makes me smile to go back and reread.  That is more a project for ME.

Meanwhile, I haven't picked up my camera much in the last few months.  Winter is SOOOO hard for me.  I work 10-6 most days.  So it's cold and icky out in the morning....and it's dark when I get home.  (which I think severely impacts my emotions.)  My camera becomes lonesome.  Well I pulled it out for the first time in almost a month on Saturday..and snapped one or two pics.  And then on Sunday I went and shot a birthday party for a 1 year old.   It reminded me how alive I feel when I have a camera in my hand.  I need to remember that...and not let so much time pass before I pick up the camera again.  (the time changing this upcoming weekend should help!).

So I'm working on projects and things that make ME happy.  That are expanding and stretching  my  mind and possibly in long term make me a few bucks. 

A few picks from yesterday.....

A mental fight

I was in a mental fight with myself all morning.  I could have gone for a bike ride, but however, my limit on the bike is usually 45 degrees, nothing lower.  It was definitely lower, so no bike ride.  A jog!  I'm wanting to get back into jogging.  My knees hurt, but isn't it really mind over matter?   But it was so cold out there.  I allowed myself to get sidetracked here in the house with any number of mundane things.  I mean, seriously playing my rounds of words with friends is important right?   I looked out the window.  Brrr, it looked cold.  I guess I'll wait a little bit longer.  But I'm DEFINITELY exercising.   I wasted more time.  Looked out the window again.  Well, maybe I'll go when I get back from the birthday party this afternoon.  Yeah, that's a good plan right?  I honestly thought it was...for a few minutes.  But then reality returned.  I know that if I wait to come home I'm not going to want to exercise.  Not to mention when I get home, I'm going to have a gazillion pics on the camera.  Pictures that I'm going to want to edit.  Pictures that the mother of the birthday girl will be anxious to see....afterall, that's why I'm going to the party. (ok, I would have been invited as a friend anyway...but before that, I was hired on to take the pics).   So no, exercising afterwards was not goign to work.  The mental battle continued.  I never did make it outside.........but I did make it onto the exercise bike here at the house!   It wasn't long.  It wasn't a vicious workout.  But I worked up a sweat!  And I did it! 

True failure is not even trying!

I've been sitting around here, just whining in my head about how I am 'fat' and how miserable I am and how much I wish I would never have regained this weight and how much I hate myself for where I'm at.  Yes, how much I hate myself.  Seriously.  I hate myself more NOW than I did when I weighed my highest ever weight.  So I sit in my self induced pity party.  I sit there and don't do anything.  I've been saying over and over and over again that I am going to FINALLY change the innertube on my bike.   I got a flat on my bike last memorial day.  Yes, Memorial day of 2011.   I will say that most of last summer was horrible with my back that was not in any shape to do ANYTHING.    But while that was a valid reason last summer......it quickly became an excuse.  We've had a MILD winter.  Every nice day I would look at my bike and say "well if I just had my tire fixed I'd go out..but oh well it's not!"  EXCUSE.

Today I got home from work.  It was somewhere near 60 degrees outside today.  But my bike of course had a flat tire.  I sat here on my computer.  I didn't want to mess with it.  But then I started thinking.  I'm failing....and the real shame of it is that I'm sitting back and not even fighting!  That is the failure. 

Sooooo...I pulled out the spare tube, the bike, the pump, the tools.  And I changed my tube.  I degreased my chains and I relubed it. 

That wasn't enough.......I took the bike out and rode too!

No excuses!

Wash, Rinse Repeat

Well once again, I fell off the band wagon.   This is not good for me physically and it's not good for me mentally.

I was talking though to a friend.   We were talknig about grief and what it does.  This friend mentioned that their eye sight had gotten worse and that their hair had turned gray over night, it made me sit back and think.  Yes, I had been seing gray strands in my hair for a while...but it was overnight that A patch of gray popped up.  Could it be the grief and sadness that wells up inside me?   Yes, probably.  I had long thought that my stress and emotions were playing a part in the gray hair thing.  But then last night in the middle of the night I lay in bed, unable to sleep....and it all made sense.  This incredible grief and sadness that I live with on a constant basis is partly to blame for my weight.  I can't lay all blame on something else.  I am the one in charge, I am responsible for my weight.....but I allowed my focus to be skewed by my sadness. 

The problem?  I don't know how to deal with the sadness...I don't know how to not let it affect me anymore.  Isn't that nuts?   But, that said, I'm gonig to start standing up and being myself and making HEALTHY decisions for ME...beucase honestly, my eating and exercise routines are one of the only things in my life that I really and truely have control over!!!

bucket list

Well finally got off my butt and did something on my bucket list.  Yeah, amazing...because of late I've just wanted to sit around and not do anything.  So what did I do???  I entered three pics onto a photography contest.  It's not a big contest or anything.  It's a contest commemorating the 150th year of Antietam Battlefield.  It's through the local paper.  The prize is not really a big deal to me either (haa haa haa...a stay at a local bed and breakfast...which is probably one that is a mile from my house.....or a guided tour of the battlefield.....which once again is right outside my front door).  But I did it.  :-)   http://antietam.com/view-photos   Three pics of mine are on there.  :-)

These three:

So just me putting myself out there!   I thought I would put myself out there.

january report

First things first.  This morning forgot to weigh myself ...until i was ready to walk out the door.  Kicked my shoes off but didn't have time to strip down to completely au natural (which is how I normally weigh myself).   January turned out to be exactly a 10 pound month (well, actually probably a bit more than 10 pounds as I was wearing clothes!)

I don't know where yesterdays post came from.  Maybe just finally wording it.   I'm not in any dire straights.  I'm sad.....a lot.  I don't know how to get myselsf extracted from some situations. (hello I need a new job..that would solve it...but there isn't much hiring that would fit my needs/qualifications/etc) and some situations I really have no control over.  I just have learned to take care of myself. 

That said...it's WEDNESDAY!   And it's my half day wednesday.  And it's gorgeous outside!  Hoepfully I can get in a walk outside between getting off work at noon and the dentist appointment at 1:50.  :-)  (just a cleaning).  And hopefully zumba this evening.

It's time to come out and admit what is obvious

You know...reading between the lines someone that has been reading my blog for a while can tell.  But I've never come out and said it.  I don't know why.  I guess maybe I just didn't want to admit it.  To admit it...admits that I'm not perfect.  I know I'm not perfect...but this is a major flaw....and embarrassing.  I like to be in control, and this is so not in control.

You see....I battle depression.  I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed.  I know that my depression is situational.  It happens when backed in a corner where I feel there is no easy way out....that's when it rears it's ugly head.  It's almost like I can't figure out a way to dispel the gloom that wells up inside me.   It starts small and just progressively gets worse until I'm ready to explode.

This scares me for two very clear reasons.  Both happened years ago.  I didn't really recognize what was happening to me. Both times  I knew I was sad.  I knew I was stressed.  I knew I felt horrible.

The first time I was really oblivious to how bad I was....I was in college...and luckily I had some GREAT friends. These friends really recognized where I was at and knowing it was a situational problem, they gathered around me.  I was rarely alone.  I had a private room....but when my alarm would go off, within minutes one of them would appear in my room to coax me into getting up and facing the day.  Someone was by my side almost constantly. I will forever be thankful to these gals ....who stood by me and gave me the courage to face each and every day until the situation righted itself.  I hadn't realized how badly I had sunk, until years later when during a conversation with one of those friends  she told me how utterly scared they were for me.

The second time was the scariest for me.  I was in a horrible situation.  I was living in Laurel, MD and teaching in PG county. If you are local to the DC area, that should tell you everything you want to know....but if you are not..I wrote about it some back, the good the bad and the ugly.  It wasn't a pretty scene.  Every day pushed me further into the state of being an emotional wreck.  As I wrote, I was in the ER, with breathing problems.... I cried constantly...and the feeling of not wanting to face the day was back.  I had Todd who wasn't at my side (he was still in Western Maryland) and my parents and my friend Julie..who was the only one that lived nearby. (God love em all).  But I was still alone.  And I kept sinking further.  I still didn't realize how bad it could get.  Until one day when I was riding down the road and saw a large dump truck and a thought flitted through my head.  It's a thought that should never flit through anybodies mind.  And if that's not bad enough....I started to act upon that thought.  YOu see, that thought was that 'if I pull in front of that truck I wouldn't have to live with this pain any longer".   Yes, I steered my car in that direction....and thankfully I came to my senses before any decision was irrevocable as it was only a quick jerk of the steering wheel.  I would never have thought that I was suicidal...and still don't say so. ...it's not a valid way to face a problem.  I can't do it to my friends and family.  Not an option.  But for that split second it seemed so clear.  As a side note...I walked away from teaching....the very next day.  It was luckily a situational issue that I was able to extract myself from easily.  Yes of course walking had it's own ramifications...but I was able to walk away....ALIVE.
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I have some many issues where I feel powerless and it bubbles inside me...and fills me with this gloom that I can't dispel.  It's not easy to change some of these things.  I guess a way to sum it up...right now...I feel like my life is meaningless.....in so many aspects of my life.  So yes, the depression is there....it threatens to bubble over some days.  I keep a close eye on my emotions......and sometimes just check out of life to 'decompress' ....to cry....to rejuvenate.  I NEVER want that thought to flit through my head again.


I have no clue why I'm writing this today.....it's just what was on my heart today (and yes, I took a 'mental health' day from work...so I guess that's why I'm writing it).   I don't know how to go about fixing any of the issues in my life.  I don't know how to go about finding meaning in my life.....making my life have a purpose.

Mental health does play into the weight loss.......

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That said, January is just about over......I will weigh tomorrow to see where I'm at....but as of Sunday I can claim a 7 pound loss for this month.  I'll take it....because I struggled !!!!

I'm still around....

The weekend was rough.  Lets get that out of the way right away.  ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH!  I was alone.  I was lonely. I was feeling really rejected.  I ate.  I have put everything into my journal.  I never really TOTALLY blew it.   But I was over my calorie count each and every day. (why do I sayI didn't totally blow it!?....because I aim for 1300 calories.....that is well below what I need to maintain.......I never went ABOVE what I need to maintain!).  The worst part?   I didn't exercise.  Well, I take that back.  Friday was GREAT.  I got off work, headed out to do my errands, came home and ripped through the house, moving furniture, vacuuming floors, steam cleaning carpets, scouring tubs and toilets.  You name it.  AND I found time to ride the exercise bike for 45 minutes.  Friday was SPECTACULAR.  Saturday and Sunday are where I fell.   

Monday we went into DC for the day.  My pedometer showed that we walked 6.5 miles.  Ok....I ATE for dinner.  I splurged.  But I just put my food in (VERY honest accounting) and you know what?  I was STILL under my 'maintain' caloric goal. (when I added in a few hours of walking....calculating a strolling pace too...like I said, I was VERY honest.....in fact I could have doubled the walking time, but I didn't want to overdo). 

Yesterday, Tuesday a customer brought in a tin full of homemade candy.....uhhh yeah, I wish I could say that I didn't know how it tasted....but I don't lie.  It was scrumptious!

Sooooo  I haven't stepped onto the scales in about a week.  I did so this morning.  My weight stayed exactly the same.  I'm ok with that.  I held it steady at least during my 'bad week'.  I didn't gain!  That's the important thing from this past weekend.

So today I'm DYING to go out to eat.  Todd and I are both off at noon today.  Typically that would be cause for going out to eat.  But I know that if we go, first of all it's money out of our pocket...we are trying to save!  But secondly, where I want to go is super high in calories.  :-)   SOOOO  this morning before I left, I whipped together as soup and I have it in the crockpot this morning.  :-)  Lunch eat out temptation averted.  

SO I'm still around....haven't fallen off the face of the earth......just hanging on!

Miles and a new day

So putting my bad day behind me.  I tried to hold it together yesterday and didn't TOTALLY blow it.  But today is a new day.  And I'm on target and feeling strong!

I"m at work, it's my early day, meaning I get off work at 2.  I also will probably hit up the grocery store and target this afternoon after work.  But I'm determined to exercise today.  No ifs ands or buts. It may be when I get back from town, but it's gonna happen. 

We have a recumbent style exercise bike in our bedroom.  It's in a cramped space and honestly we don't have a 'better place for it".  It tends to get piled up with stuff....but today my mission is to clear it off and ride it!  I need to start putting more miles on!  I have a mileage goal that I would love to make.  I know that the miles will add up much faster when i'm out on my bike this summer.....and honestly they will add up much faster on my exercise bike.  :-)  The walking should be a consitent 2 miles a few mornings a week....as Todd has figured out that walking helps his digestion!  (He actually went out and walked this morning on his own!!!  WOW, has he finally gotten it???  Has he finally gotten that he can control many of his digestion issues????)

The only thing, I don't want to lose focus on my health in a crazy attempt to get miles.  Zumba days are just that...zumba days.  I'm not counting that toward my mileage (although I probably do enough steps that I could call it a few miles!  LOL).  I have other forms of exercise that I plan on doing.  But I'm not counting those.  The mileage is above and beyond those things!

stress didn't get me...mindless eating did

Conquered last night.....baked and everything.  BUT, what I baked...well I dont know, my mind wasn't there and I just wasn't happy with it.  So this morning I made a batch of zucchini muffins.  I had one.  It was in my budget for the day....and I don't know what happened but I estimate that six went down the hatch!!!   Yes, I ate 6 cookies before I realized what I was doing.  ARRGGHHH   I know exactly what was going through my head.  The taste sent me into that feeling of rapture...that HIGH.  And I wanted to keep that high going.  So I kept eating.  Yup, I've been doing good facing the stress eating, but the high got me anyway.  I've looked at my food budget for the day.  Not sure how I can recover from 6 (estimate because I certainly wasn't counting) cookies.  I had already packed mostly fruits and veggies for lunch which left me about 400-500 calories for dinner.  It's hard to pare down my lunch any further as I was already pared down becuase we had a nice breakfast.  ARRRGGHHHH  

I'm not going to stress it.  Because that just perpetuates the vicious cycle.  I'm going to eat wisely the rest of the day and move on.  I did it, nothing I can do to take it back.....so moving onward.

Food = Love

Wednesday Evening January 11, 2012

I had too much time to think at work today.  My job is mind numbingly boring.  I feel like I'm going insane there from the utter inactivity and lack of mental challenges.  But with everything happening in my life, sometimes it gives me too much time to think about everything and that is not good at times.  This day was one of those days.

It was a pouring rain as I drove home.  I had made a grave error, I had not planned my eating correctly and I was ravenous! AND I had to do some baking for my co-workers birthday.  Those things coupled with the sadness that pressed inward upon me was just weighing heavily upon me.   It was a short ride but my mind was in a whirl thinking about all the foods that I could eat when I got home. I didn't want to cave and eat, but I KNEW that I was going to binge.  I mentally tried to talk myself out of it. I didn't want to binge but I was buried with a feeling of utter hopelessness, becuase I KNEW that there was no hope of me NOT binging.   And I started crying.  I don't want to have an addiction.  I don't want to turn to food for comfort, for that feeling.  It is the most helpless feeling.  It is not anything that I want nor like. 

I pulled into the driveway and just sat there for a few minutes as this hopeless spirit washed over me.  I started to think about my addiction.  I didn't have a horrible childhood that made me turn to food.  I come from a family of foodies.  (maybe they have/had an addiction, that's not for me to know or judge).  My family likes food.  We like it for that tastes, the textures the flavors.  My addiction came from the love of those flavors. The high that I get when I taste excelllent foods.   BUT,   My family feeds people out of love.  And that is when I had my AHA moment.  Food is equal to love.  So what started as a simple love of food turned into an addiction and it is just natural that when I don't feel loved that I turn to food becauase food equals love.  So it's a one two punch.

SOOO I finally wiped my eyes and walked into the house.  I was still convinced that I was going to binge but my mind was in a whirl as to what I could do to my food budget plan to accomodate a little snacking and maybe even a few bits of cookie dough.  I knew I was ravenous.  So to ease the impulse to eat, I jumped right to my evening snack.  I knew I had planned about 100 calories....so I grabbed a box of the Special K Chips.  I ate about 15 chips (if that...which later turned out to be a half of serving) to curb that "I'm going to gnaw on the pantry doors i'm so hungry" feeling.  I thought about what I could ditch out of my planned dinner to gain some extra calories for the baking.   Then I prepared and ate the main part of my meal...I ditched all the little extras.  And then had a few bites of cookie dough while I was baking.   Right now I'm tempted to go eat the rest of that serving of chips...but I'm holding tight.  and I just put my food into my calorie counter.....I'm only 89 calories over for the day!    Did I binge?  Some may say yes.  But somehow, somewhere, I found the courage to hold it at bay.

This stuff is SOOO difficult!!!

My weight held steady at the higher weight again.  Not too overly surprised...I exercised late, ate dinner later, ate a very high sodium meal (tried to drink a lot of water to compensate...well over 100 ounces) but still woke up thirsty. So not too surprised.   There is no reason and I'm not going to let it get to me.  You see, I've eaten well within my caloric range. (I'm set to eat 1300 calories.  I've been right at 1300 calories each day......usually 50-100 calories over....which is GREAT!)    So I know that the pounds will start to drop.

Walked this morning on the canal for an hour.  I'll do zumba tonight.  My knee is really aching today.  But I"m plodding onward, you see...I KNOW that the arthritis pain will dissapate as my weight drops.  :-)  So 'm just working through the pain.  My knee brace is my best friend right now!  :-)