Thursday, April 12, 2018

Tub of Lard

Warning!!!  Embarrassing post alert!!

I sat at my desk yesterday while at work and beat myself up. There was some real self hatred going on. To sum it up, I’m not happy with my weight at all. Yet I can’t seem to get control of this addiction.

I had the revelations on Sunday   Yes the ones I spoke about in my last post. The revelations were about how far my fitness level has dropped. And while that did play a factor into my thinking yesterday, that still wasn’t the reason I was filled with self-hatred. OK at least not the main reason.

On Tuesday I noticed that my pants waist band/button had rubbed my overhanging stomach again. I’ve talked about this in the past.  It’s  embarrassing. Very embarrassing. I had a Band-Aid covering it yesterday but it was still very sensitive. I felt poured into my clothes.

You know, I have this weird weird sense inside me that if I just suck in my gut that  I won’t look fat. But yesterday nothing I did, no matter how tight I sucked in my gut made me feel presentable to the world. Now before we go on, I know that I’m overweight and I know that just sucking my gut in like that and doesn’t hide my true weight. But it makes me feel better.  But not yesterday.  I feel as if I have crossed the line, some invisible line where I feel yuh of lard...even when my gut is sucked!

Oh and as I mentioned earlier, I’m struggling to gain any control over myself. I feel so out of control.

And so it’s been a week of revelations and epiphanies. And they haven’t been good ones. 

So what have I done? This week I have started tracking my food. I haven’t eliminated the cookies, but I have drastically limited them (one cookie a day).  And my calories aren’t perfect but I am trying. I am also weighing myself every day… Or at least trying to remember to. I know that when I was losing those were two habits that I kept.

We are eating more vegetables and  fruits, and I still am planning on re-commencing with running. We have also talked about taking walks in the evening together. Honestly my biggest deterrent from running in the evening is that it takes time away from my time with Jason.  Yeah I’m sappy.

So rough week of a lot of revelations that I did not like. I’m not promising that this week is going to be different or next week is going to be different. I have an addiction. And while I know that ultimately I am in control, I know that a lot of times this food addiction controls me.  My goals for this week track and weigh.   Baby steps and I will gain control!


jesseybell said...

I am so sorry for the embarrassment. I am going to FL on Monday and dreading having to put on the summer clothes. I was working out a few weeks ago to try to make the clothes more comfortable but I haven't worked out in a few weeks and I sware I've gained 10 lbs since then and I am worried the size 18W pants won't fit!

But this journey is still on your mind. You are making baby steps. Make a checklist of the baby steps you can make. The move is over, you are starting new routines. Don't do what i did and let the move be an excuse for a long time!

Rose S. said...

I guess I see you different. I don't see a Tub of lard. I don't see an obese women. I see a women who enjoys hiking and biking and being with her boyfriend and the same with your guy. You guys are on the go all the time. Adventures and enjoying each others company. I understand wanting to be fit. And I think you've both achieve that by doing what you do together. Having fun!
When you get to hyped up on the number you lose the focus of what is enjoyable. You are the lucky one with a guy that will go biking and hiking with you. Laughing and having some fun while trying to stay fit.

Don't call yourself anything. Please. You are so pretty. Have a lot to offer. :)

Enjoy what you enjoy with your boyfriend, your new house and life. The rest will come! :)

Lynn said...

If you want to run and Jason can't right now, maybe he could ride his bike while you run?

Sarah said...

Don't be down on yourself too much. I still think you are an inspiration and I look forward to following your journey. I think you're a lot more active than I am at this point. I have big plans for after recovering from this surgery. As soon as the doc gives me the all clear, it's back to working out. Well back to walking and adding workouts LOL.

Hang in there, keep making positive changes.

Grace said...

Oh gosh, it made me sad to see you put yourself down like that. Our negative thoughts can be so influenced by outside stimuli. Such as your pants and the button wearing on your skin. That makes you a tub of lard...NOT.
I have suffered for my whole life with these types of thoughts, "I'm fat and worthless" based on how my clothes fit. One way to solve that NOW is to not wear clothes that are too small. I wear only pants with elastic waistbands. I know that sounds silly, but it really helps. So whether I am up or down in weight, I never associate my weight anymore with how my pants fit. (I do have one pair of jeans that I try on occasionally just to keep track, but it they are too tight, I don't have to wear them.)
In the meantime, don't talk so mean to yourself. You are a lovely, loving person no matter what you weigh.

TheAgonyOfBeingFat said...

Ugh....I'm sorry:( But the addiction is real and it's hard to live with. Every new day starts a brand new battle that we have to fight. We just have to keep fighting and never stop.

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