Saturday, December 20, 2008

Full circle

Spent some time thinking last night. Thinking about my food and the path that I've been on. You see, I was hot on the trail of good health and losing weight until last year. I can really almost pinpoint the exact moment that I started having difficulty. It was at my work christmas party. Sooo, a year has gone by. I've struggled all year long. In the last month or two, I've not only struggled, I've gained. I'm not happy with this..but I can't do anything about the past. All I can do is look at the past, reflect, learn and move on.

SOOOO, how can I pin point the 2007 work Christmas party. Well, I had been doing really well. But my co-workers were insistent that I join them in eating that day. I can't lay the blame on them...but they did egg me on to eat. And then eat some more. And then eat more still. One of my co-workers talked to me a few days later and apologized for her action, Even though she didn't egg me on like some of the others, she was sorry that she didn't tell them to shush. In fairness, the one gal that was so excited to see me actually eating was a gal that eats junk food CONSTANTLY and wears a size 2....I think she plain and simple did not understand. That said....I'm still to blame! BUt from that point, I struggled. For about 9 months I maintained...and then I started to gain. I think some of the last few months of gaining has been basically eating in frustration because I was not losing. During the months of maintaining, I was never really off the plan...but I was skirting on the edge. The good thing.....I know how to maintain. But I was frustrated and it was easy to say, "well if I'm not going to lose, I may as well eat what I want." And I started to gain.

Yesterday brought the 2008 work christmas party. Yes, I ate. I'll admit that I ate way too much. And last night (actually while I was still at work yesterday evening) it hit me....full circle. I'm determined that yesterday's party marks the end of the last wishy washy year of weight loss efforts. Where one year's party marked the beginning...I want this years party to mark the end.

So last night I was thinking some more about all of this and I've come to the conclusion. For the time being, I can't even nibble on certain things. If I start...even if it's a tiny piece of cake....I will keep going back for more. (yesterday I had a small piece of rum cake.....small piece. Ok, so that's not so bad...but that put the taste in my mouth...and I kept going back for just one more tiny piece......over and over!....ok, three pieces of cake). Ironically enough, I don't crave cake or sweets. It's only after I have 'indulged' and had a piece...THEN I want another piece! Chocolate...don't want it...but if I eat a piece...I want another piece. So why do I even start???? And that's my point. Why should I? I also know that there are situations where I can have a piece of cake or a treat. But in closely monitored instances where there is only the option for me to have that one piece.

I'm addicted to food...if I start, I can't stop. (well I can.....but it's difficult.). I would like to say that someday I'll be able to conquer this and be able to look a cake in the one piece...or one bite and say 'that's enough'. But right So for that reason, I can't have any!

Didn't weigh myself today. Guess I'm kinda scared to. Not to fear...I will! And just because I didn't weigh in doesn't mean that I'm ready to work my tail end off (literally)!


WWSuzi said...

MaryFran i totally understand!! I still am not in the place of mind where i can have just one chocolate and i go away smiling, no i'm thinking about how i can get more of it and it just keeps rolling.
Sugar and white carbs do that to me all the time.
Good for you on saying enough is enough, i know you can do it!! And you have all of us behind you for support :)

Brightcetera said...

I feel the very same way as you & Suzi ~~ there are certain foods I have to avoid & that's just the way it has to be for now. I want to lose the fat MORE than I want the junk.
It's been heartbreaking to see you struggle, MaryFran. I sincerely hope you find the strength to overcome the obstacles! You deserve it & you've come so far! Just look at how successful you've been/are. It's amazing!

Deborah said...

Revolations are a great thing and I think you've hit on one. Put that "full circle" behind you and use it as a learning tool.

I so understand about just wanting one little piece of something scrumptious (cause I'm addicted to food too) but you have learned over the past year that one turns into two or three and that ain't good.

The next time people like the size 2 junk food junky urge you to eat something just tell them that you would if you had their metobolism but you don't so you can't.

You've come so far and done so well and I know in my heart that you can get back on the band wagon and get those extra pounds off. I have faith in you. You are an inspiration to me with your loss, so get back at it!

--cara said...

So let "The Year of the Christmas Party" be behind you! Food addiction is near impossible to beat. I don't know of many people who can say they've beaten it. Our body craves food. It's supposed to. It's our mind that does us in. Making us think that certain types of foods (sweets, in your case) are just what we need to sustain us. Our brain needs sugar (glucose) to function properly. So it only makes sense that the more sugar we have the better we'll feel emotionally and the more satisfied we'll feel. Almost like some kind of demented healing process.

You've made a huge first step, though. Just realizing what you're doing and see the change that you need to make is the first step. Have you thought of keeping a food journal? Maybe even as a sidebar on your blog might help. If you can write down the bad things you eat and see them in front of you maybe you'll be less likely to keep indulging? Some people it works for and some it doesn't. I absolutely HATE logging in bad food into my journal. It serves as a deterrent sometimes, which is wonderful. If I know I'm going to have to write those three cookies down, publicly or not, it's harder to eat it sometimes.

I really enjoy reading your blog. You're so honest and raw. It reminds me that I'm not in this alone and I'm not the only one going through these things.