Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Pity Party

Yes, I'm having a pity party for myself. I'm gaining weight. I've been so good the last few days...yet the scales continue to go up! This mornign, i was so sure that they woudl be down a bit..and to step on them and see that I was up another half pound. word other than devastating will suffice. Yes, I was totally devastated. Enough that I sat down beside my poor sleeping husband and had a good cry. I told him how tired I was of all this healthy eating stuff...and how I wanted to just eat any old thing I wanted. And how disgusted I was that I gained without being bad. My word...if I'm going to gain (5 pounds) I at least want to be able to say, "but it was sure worth it!" Todd, all bleary eyed and struggling to stay away did ask if I was willing to throw away all the hard work I've done to get to where I am by giving up. I'm not willing to give it up....but I won't lie and say that the temptation isn't there!

Todd and I, after I calmed down a bit, and once he wasn't struggling to keep his eyes open quite as much as he was when I first sat down on the bed, talked a little about our plans for when I get off work today. Tenatively we are goign to run to Frederick to put out some flyers for a studio event. We are goign to swing back to hagerstown and go to the gym.....and then home. Dinner will depend on the time. If no time...somewhere that I can get something relatively healthy to eat for dinner....but if there is time...then home to have Homemade sweet and sour chicken over rice.

Bless his pea-pickin heart...I had to call him to let him know that I would be working an extra hour today and getting home at 3 instead of 2. He did some light cleaning at the house for me. It's really not funny...but in a way it is cute to see what happens after I have a crying jag in front of my husband.

As for the tears.......I know I was exhausted yesterday. I didn't feel all that bad. I knew I was tired.....but I know it was a much deeper tiredness than I thought. I have double vision (I thought everyone saw two of everything for many years before some eye doctor figured it out). My brain automatically adjusts so that I'm not reaching for the 'wrong' thing. My brain just processes the two things and can figure out which is real....or where the 'real' thing is. The only time I really have a problem is when I'm really tired...then my brain just doesn't process it correctly or fast enough or something. So yesterday I was at work and noticed it first when i went to go under a long phone cord that was stretched across the room (someone was on the phone). I reached for the cord and I had grabbed for the wrong one......over and over. One other event that stood out was when I was trying to fill out my balance sheet...I struggled so hard trying to figure out which line was the proper one that I needed to write my information on. So the tears could have something to do with that I'm sure.

A friend mentioned to me that it's no wonder that I'm not losing. First of all, my exercise isn't happening as it should. Secondly, I'm working like a banshee on the other place...and that's probably causing all sorts of stress and worries. So my body is being thrown into a tail spin. I'm not sure, but I don't like it!

I did get up early this morning and ride the exercise bike. It doesn't give me a good workout...but at least it was something.

No comments: