Vacation: the perfect motivation

I have written about motivation so many times. It’s crazy how many times I’ve probably written about motivation.   I wrote about it recently when I wrote tips for motivation   But it happens because  motivation is fleeting and ever changing.

In the past I have been motivated to lose weight for various reasons. Sometimes it was competition with a friend, once it was even a personal competition with an enemy who I didn’t want to show me up. I have lost weight to get into goal clothing. And I lost weight trying to make my ex husband love me.  I have probably been motivated by a gazillion and one different things. And that’s OK, because it worked.  

I have a few current motivations running through my mind. There are one or two things that I am not quite ready to share  here yet. But let me tell you, they are good reasons!

But a real big motivation?

We have vacation in one week!  We are planning and hoping for a very active vacation. I know that my fitness level will hold us back a little bit. I also know that my lack of fitness will mean that what I do, will cause me to ache. I am OK with that. However, we are starting to plan our vacation for next year. It’s going to be a big one.  I am not OK with passing on some opportunities that may crop up during that vacation due to my lack of fitness. Nor am I OK with pushing myself through and then aching  miserably for the rest  of the vacation. I WILL have my fitness fixed before then. How’s that for motivation?

Combating headaches

I keep vowing to start exercise and to get back in shape. I have the greatest and grandest intentions. But it seems like something always happens to keep me from starting and continuing the fitness routines.  Honestly, they are always valid excuses and reasons. We have had a lot of rain and that has kept us from getting on our bicycles.  We get home from work late.  We have also really struggled with headaches. Sinus pressure and allergy headaches to be exact. Debilitating on some days… And it take everything in us to just make it through the workday. Exercise gets pushed way far down the line in importance. I told you these excuses were valid.

This past weekend we were lounging around at home. We felt sluggish and exhausted. We had massive pressure headaches. The gorgeous weather? We forced ourselves to enjoy it as much as possible, but we felt horrible. That horrible feeling sparked a conversation between us....

When Jason and I first met, I was in incredible shape, probably the best I have ever been in. I was doing Zumba multiple times a week, I was walking a lot and I was consistently running., I was coming off of my training for the aborted half marathon. I do not remember any weekend that I had to cancel a hike because my head hurt or because I felt sluggish. In fact, many Saturdays I would wake up… Go for a 3 mile run… Get home push mow for an hour… Shower and then meet up with Jason to go hiking. I wasn’t kidding a few posts ago when I admitted that my fitness level is currently in the garbage can, because I don’t think I could do that right now.

That first year that Jason and I were together, we never had to cancel a hike because of his allergies. Oh yeah, he may have mentioned them in passing but they weren’t the debilitating kind that make you want to curl up in a ball and do nothing. We talked about this the other day. It was almost a year to a year and a half before his headaches kicked in really bad. Now I have mentioned that his headaches are allergy induced. So did we just luck out with easy allergy seasons up to now???  Maybe. However I think it has more to do with our fitness levels.

During that first year or two, we were hiking mad miles. In the afternoon and evening when we were free from work, we got together end went out for long walks. Miles of walking. Our relationship grew strong during that activity. Our bodies grew stronger during that time too. And I personally think that we were healthier and that our bodies were able to fight off the allergies and the symptoms that go with the allergies much easier.

Last week I was in charge of The morning inspirational quote at work. I chose two quotes from Theodore Roosevelt. While I was looking at them, I read a little bit about our 26th president. As a young child he suffered from severe asthma attacks. By accident, he figured out and learned that strenuous physical activity actually made him stronger and his body reacted in such a way that the asthma was contained and managed… It was under control. Some skeptics will say he just grew out of it, but he fervently believed in the strenuous activity… And strenuous living. Push oneself to the max was his belief. He actually lived his life strenuously… Choosing the hardest route and then reaping the greatest rewards.

Maybe I’m way off base here. Maybe the allergy seasons have just been that horrible the last two years. Maybe I have picked up allergies that I never had before. But maybe… Just maybe the fact that I have become a slug is playing a part. Well, do you know what? I can’t change how bad the  allergy season is… Mother nature decides that. I also cannot change how my body reacts to these pollens (not without medicine). But, I can change my fitness level.

You don’t see old fat people

A few weeks ago Jason and I saw a clip on tv about an eighty seven year old triathlete.  It was inspirational. So much so that I wrote about it a few posts back .   I wrote about it but it hasn’t left my thoughts.  

Again yesterday the one concept from his list of  attributes to his long lasting activity levels was brought up in a conversation.   That concept?  “You don’t see fat old people”.   Now when I think about this I am not talking about old as in 50 (since I’m going to be 46 this year, we are definitely not calling 50 old!!) or even 60...I’m talking about old as in 80 or 90.  Ok ok ok, there are probably exceptions to the rule...but these words ring true.  You don’t see overweight older people that are living life to the fullest....if you see older overweight people it’s typically ones that are usually struggling in some way physically.  

So as I get older...do I want to be living life to the fullest?  Or do I want to be overweight and struggling?   The answer is obviously living life to the fulllest!!!

We went to the zoo and walked quite a bit this weekend.  It was a good time.  But after hours of walking?  I was so sore!   Just a few short years ago I was able to walk for hours upon hours and it didn’t affect my legs.  I was strong.  This zoo visit was an eye opener.  Because I know I have to get it fixed!  We are planning on going to Maine next year (Acadia National Park amongst other places) and it will be a very physical vacation with lots of hiking and biking and other activities.   I have about 10 months or so to really fix this problem...because I want to enjoy that vacation to the fullest!!!!

Check in

Rain rain go away!   I think I’ve talked about this before!   It was another rainy week.   That seems to be par for the course now.   It really does affect everything.   I feel more wiped out and sluggish and I know it’s the weather.   It also affects my lunch time and break time walks...because I can’t get outside as easily.  And of course there is no bike riding.   It was a standard week with nothing exciting to report.  But here’s the update.

Weight

My weight is doing the same thing it has done for the past months it pops up at the beginning of the week and starts to drop at the end of the week.  I’m staying within a loose range of weight so I’m not too upset....but I would like to see it drop.  I’m not eating mad amounts of food , I am in line calorie wise and I’m not eating tons of carbs (my nemesis).   

Exercise

What exercise?

Victories for the week

I’m starting to feel more balanced again with my eating.  The sweet treats and indulgences are not ruling me anymore.  (As a side note...no more straight up restriction for me!!). I feel like I’m back in a better place in terms of my relationship with food...not perfect by any means but I feel like I’m going in the right direction again.

Struggles of the week

Exercise!  I had such grand plans and nothing materialized!!!

So other than exercise it wasn’t a bad week...a maintain and one where I worked on that relationship between food and I!!!  

Not giving up

I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere!   My weight is not moving.  My best intentions for exercise and activity don’t pan out. I’m just spinning and twisting aimlessly in the wind!

Let’s start with exercise.  We decided and vowed to get back to our after work bike rides this week.  Starting Monday.   It’s Wednesday and we haven’t done it yet!  Why?   Well it’s a valid excuse...it’s been raining constantly for days....again!   I vowed to get serious about walking on my breaks and lunch again.   And I haven’t.  Why?  It’s raining!  But then again I said I could walk in the parking garage.  Why haven’t I?   Well a comedy of happenings....one day the sole of my shoe came loose and was only hanging on by a thread...so walking was loud and a bit dangerous as that sold flapped around. So stuff like that.   I had a thought the other day that I need to just wake up early and ride the bike trainer.  I vowed to do it on Tuesday...and forgot to set my alarm.   Tuesday night I remembered but the thought of waking up earlier (I was so tired) ...wellbit didn’t happen!!!

My eating is spot on!   I’m holding my calories right around 1200-1300 calories.   I’ve added in some protein at lunch as recommended by a friend.   My weight just sits within the same 3-4 pound range that I’ve been sitting at for the last almost two months!  

I know I’m on the right path.   My relationship with food and the aspect of learning to live with food and not let it rule me is my goal right now.   I don’t want to sit back and always eat bad but I also know that I need some indulgence in my life.   A healthy relationship is my goal.    I know my weight will catch up with my slow and steady efforts.   But until then...well I just have to keep my chin up!

Mental battles

A large part of this journey to health is mental. Or maybe I’m just a basket case...hahaha!  No,  it’s definitely a mental game. In the last three weeks I’ve had at least three mental battles that I can quickly and easily remember. I’d like to say I won the battle for all of them but alas, that’s not the case.

The first mental battle came after I broke the no sweet treat fast  The two weeks of restriction set me back in that healthy relationship that I was building with food.  I all of a sudden  was back to wanting the sweet treats  all the time...because I hadn’t had them. Sure, I knew that I could have them again and that I was not doing the restriction thing anymore. But holy moly try to convince my mind of that fact! It really has been a battle in my mind to try to remind myself that sweet treats are not forbidden, nor are they something that I need to eat like there’s no tomorrow… Because if I want I can have them again tomorrow. So, yes I did dive headfirst into bad food for those first couple days and that is a definite failure. Well, we’ll call it a half failure… I learned something very valuable about myself. What is that? Restrictions only makes me want it more! (absence makes the heart grow finder… Maybe not fonder in the case of food but it certainly does make the desire for it grow more intense).

Last Monday I went to see the doctor . The doctor was very happy with my blood work and worked with me to set a goal for weight loss. OK, in reality she did not work with me she just told me what she wanted me to lose in the next year. My year goal is 10 to 20 pounds. (I’m sure the lower number has something to do with the fact that I told her my slow, learn to live and just be healthier plan where I restrict nothing, which she liked and approved of.) But seriously 10 pounds? That’s not much for a year long effort. And here is where my mind started playing tricks with me again. So… 10 to 20 pounds… If I maintain for 10 months I only have to lose weight for two months of the year. My mind started to scream at me… I call these voices my “mini me”, and they were saying take a break, you got a whole year to lose a measly little 10 pounds and  don’t  bother counting calories this week...don’t bother next week either… start next month… Better yet start after your vacation in October. Yes, my mini me is very distracting and determined to derail me!   I know that listening to those voices is not the best option and plan for me… At all. But the thought was really hard to get out of my head. It’s been a mental battle.

Last but not least, Friday lunch. It was cool outside on my first break when I walked. It looked like it was going to rain any second. And I started to think about taking just one more day away from walking and eating my healthy lunch to grab and instead grab food from the cafeteria. I went back and forth for two hours and 15 minutes until my lunch break. One minute I was going to go to the cafeteria. The next minute I was determined to stand strong. The battle was fierce in my head. I looked at my calorie counter (MyFitnessPal) and I pondered. I did come up with an alternative little ground. I walked. I did eat my healthy lunch. And I allowed myself to buy a few pieces of Reese’s pieces. So it wasn’t a total victory but it wasn’t a total failure. The battles in my mind

The battles in my mind are the worst deterrent to lose weight. I wish there was a nice way to stop those voices that tell me to go ahead and eat, or to skip my walk. But they’re not easy to eradicate.  Will power, will power, will power.

Fitness level check in: it’s not good

A few years ago I used to be relatively fit. Something happened though and I find myself in a very unhealthy place or rather unfit place.  I’m not talking about my weight (although that needs to change also).  I’m not even talking about the healthy/unhealthy foods I may or may not eat (although I actually eat relatively healthy).   I’m talking about muscle tone and the capability of my body!

While my doctor was totally satisfied with my numbers from my blood work and labeled me as pretty healthy despite my weight, I am not fit!

Three, four, five years ago I was fit. I was still overweight, but I was incredibly fit. It was nothing for me to go to back to back to Zumba classes and work out for two hours straight! And usually, in the morning before the Zumba, I had gone out and  run a few miles. I was capable of doing amazing things. I remember one day many years ago riding my bike for an hour or two , getting home and going for a three mile run.....just because.  

When I met Jason I was still running and going to Zumba and  as I started to hike with him it was easy...because I was in shape.   Thank you Zumba!   But then my beloved Zumba class ended .  I couldn’t find a class that worked with my schedule so I lost that exercise outlet.   I didn’t see a difference immediately....we were still hiking heavily...and walking mad miles every evening, so I was still moving.  I thought I would be fine.

I started to notice a difference about 9 months later...I didn’t feel as toned and strong.  But I was still moving and active.   We added biking into our repoirtoire.  I should have been fine...right? Maybe...maybe not!!  

A change in jobs and we didn’t get out as much...and I couldn’t run as often.  And it all went to pot!

I am appalled at the shape I’m currently in!  My body protests at the simplest things.  I still push myself forward.  I still am riding (when the weather cooperates...which hasn’t been frequently in the last weeks) and I still walk as much as possible (with a few days skipped here and there) at work. But my body aches when I push...my body ached after just a few hours of walking at the fair    My body is not thanking me for taking care of it!!!

We saw a clip the other night on tv (it was part of some show on human bodies on PBS) and they were talking about an 87 year old triathlete.  Yes.  You read that right!   87 and actively competing AND finishing triathlons and Ironman competitions.   I looked up his website  and he had some words of advice...so I am including them....credit goes to Lewis Hollander

1.  USE  IT OR LOSE IT.

2. Go hard, live long.
3. Go anaerobic every day.
4. Eat well, fruits and vegetables with abundant supplements
5. Set your plans well in advance and have achievable goals.
6. Have a stress free relationship.
7. Keep socially active and interested in life and it’s challenges.

8. There are no fat old people so watch your calorie intake.

Use it or lose it....yeah, I’m losing it!  

I know I need to do something!  My work days are long and busy.  But I know that’s an excuse.  Jason and I were talking and we have vowed to get back to riding after work each day (those  really hot days followed by a week or two of rain derailed us). But even if we get derailed by weather (and darkness when the time changes) I have a bike trainer .  (Amazon Affiliate Link)  It’s even set up with my old TRek! 

So that’s one step.  We are talking about doing some serious hiking this winter...which includes purchasing a new year pass for the Shenandoah National Park (we will most likely pay  the extra 25 bucks and get the National Park pass for all parks).   I would ultimately like to run a bit also...   so lots of activity forecasted.  But the other component....I NEED to add some strength training back into my daily routine!!   It doesn’t need to be huge and heavy.  I was toned through Zumba...and that mostly relied on my own bodies resistance and not heavy weights.  I can actually use the stability ball  (Amazon Affiliate Link) that I have..which is already blown up!!  I can also use the “perfect push ups” (Amazon Affiliate Link) that we have (Jason had them...I’ve not used them yet!).  I can do it!  I just need to make it a priority AND a habit in my daily routine!!!

Things need to change!   

By Request

This Wednesday post is going to be some requested information, some updates and maybe one or two random thoughts.   The requested info is pictures of my dollhouse.  The updates are the results of my doctors appointment and the aftermath of the no sweets two weeks.

Doctors appointment 

My doctors appointment went well.  This appointment was to get appeal paperwork  signed  so that my health insurance cost is manageable!  I wasn’t eligible for the ‘non-obese’ discount without the paperwork signed by my doctor.  She did sign it.  I will have an answer in a few weeks..so I’m still on pins waiting to get approved for my appeal.   But back to the visit.   I  told her exactly what had happened when my father died   (I dove headfirst into unhealthy eating and gained a fair amount of weight in a very short period of time).  I told her honestly that I was working on it..and was almost back to the weight that I was at before my fathers death.   I was very open about my accountability plans (friends that I email...this site...challenges that I am part of) and I told her about my daily tracking and weigh ins.  I also told her my current belief that I want to take this really slow...and restrict nothing...even if it takes me longer to lose because I do randomly eat some cake...or funnel cake at a fair..   I also admitted that the day before I went to the fair and indulged in some funnel cake....and that I wanted more but I had said only ONE  indulgence at the fair and how I was so careful about my decision...circling all the food venders before making my choice!   She was happy with that attitude.  She was in total agreement with everything.   She signed the paperwork, set a goal of 10-20 pounds...in the next YEAR....and told me that since my recent blood work (I took the results of my work health screening blood work) was all good that I could just skip my yearly physical and just come in in about 9 months (instead of November when I was due for my annual physical).   So a really good report!

Sweet treats

After my two weeks of disallowing the sweet treats...I have struggled to find the balance again.   Not having them made me want them all the time!!! So I have indulged EVERY night since allowing them again.  My mind went back to the ‘it’s not allowed so I better gobble up everything I can’ mentality.     I am working on getting back to the point of saying ‘I don’t need them...I can have them anytime...but I don’t need them all the time!!!  Basically I need to regain my foothold on the healthy relationship that I was building with food.

Dollhouse

I have been spending a lot of time on my dollhouse.  So by request, here are some updates pictures!   The kitchen and bathroom are mostly done...the bathroom can be seen on my dollhouse blog.  Wow, I just glanced at those pictures and they need to be updated too...I finally got the trim up in the corners and around the ceiling!  The blog does have some posts about the kitchen but there are no completed pictures (as far as it is currently completed) on there...yeah I need to fix that also!   I didn’t take new pics of those rooms because they are kinda ‘construction zone’ looking right now as I do major work on the other rooms...not to mention I’ve been sanding floors so it’s really dusty.  I’ll update the pictures soon though.    So for now I’ll talk about the rooms  I’ve been working on one at a time

Master bedroom

It is papered (trim is not up) and the flooring hasbeen laid and sanded.   I’m waiting to get the other floors completed before I stain...I’ll do all the hardwood floors at the same time to get a consistent color!  The little turret room is still a question.  (the little room on the right of the pictures). It’s too small to carry off a cradle....or the desk I have.  I thought about bookshelves along  the walls...but I’m just not sure. Lots of small touches to add for this room! Such as bedding, throw rugs and those little touches that make it look ‘real’ and lived in.

Hallway

The hallway is papered and the floor is laid and sanded.   (Pardon the messy bathroom off to the right..some of the items have fallen off the shelves and is laying on the floor!)

Nursery

The floor is laid but not yet sanded (you can see the difference between that floor and the hall floor in the picture) the wallpaper is up but needs some work as it didn’t adhere well and started to come loose (by the window). The rocking chair is painted and the crib has been constructed/made and needs to be sanded and painted....white also.   I need a dresser...bedding, curtains....and all the fun little things for the nursery!

Living room

Lots of painting has been done.  The wall behind the steps will be papered to match the hallway upstairs...(which is why the corner paint is not crisp and clean lines).  Flooring will occur soon...and the fireplace needs sealed and the stones weathered to look used.  I have no idea on the furniture in here yet....I do have a radio cabinet that will work in this 1950’s themed house.

I have lots of projects in my head...so many ideas...so little time (and money)!  But that’s the fun of dollhouses!!!

So life marches on.  I’m still here working on my weight...working to find the balance between living life and being healthy.  I’m still working on the dollhouse.   I’m still holding on.   But right now...off to work I go!!!

Today’s the day

It’s Monday!   And there is no work for me today.  I have the day off!   I have plans and I’ll be on the go all day!  Just as busy as a normal day...busier probably!  

The weekend was fun.  

 I spent a LOT of time working on my dollhouse!   Much progress was made!  The nursery has been papered and flooring laid.   The living room has been started also....lots of painting happening there!   I have also started the process of making a crib.  Yes I said making!   I decided to try my hand at making my own furniture...a crib.   Hey, why not?  So all of my pieces are cut for that....and the forst step is glued and drying!!!  (Probably dry...but maybe I’ll have time to glue the next step before I head out this morning!!!). I’ve got the bug to work on it again!!!

We spent most of Sunday roaming around “The Great Frederick Fair”.    We checked out all the fair entries....roamed the barns....circled the midway...checked out the venders.   And when we had completed one complete circuit of everything, we did it again!   And again.   Until we were absolutely wiped out!!!

I chose to allow myself ONE fair food indulgence.   I chose a funnel cake.  It was good..and I didn’t eat the whole thing. 

I didn’t drink enough and it was hot!

My weight is way out of whack today.  Grrrr!  I know why it’s out of whack, but that doesn’t make it any better...because today is my doctors appointment for that appeal for my weight...to pay quite a bit less on my health insurance!

This weekend we stopped by my mom’s and I also stopped in to visit my brother as he recovers.  Recovers?   Yes he is an avid bike rider.   On Labor Day he was out riding with a group of people and had an accident.  (Nope...not hit by a car...which was my first thought when I heard he was in the hospital.).  He broke his pelvis and had surgery but is home now.  He is doing REaLLY well!  Much better than I thought he would be doing.   

But why did I bring this up?   Because I want to be like him!  (Ok, I’ve always wanted to be like my amazing brother...cuz I had one of the best brothers a girl could ever have!).  But this instance?   My brother bikes a LOT!  Day in and day out he is out on that bike pedaling mad miles!    He is in incredible shape and you can see it...but two stories highlighted it...and one in particular hit me...

The first story was about how he was in the ER and had been there for hours.   He closed his eyes and started to drift off to sleep.  And the monitors started to sound an alarm.   Why?  He was just sleeping!  It turns out that his resting heart rate is really low because of his incredible fitness level and  it set off the monitor!  Isn’t that nuts? 

But the second story is the one that got me.   The EMS that arrived after they called 911 was  trying to get my brother up and walking...advising him to ‘walk it off’. Now seriously, he rides 8000-10000 a  miles a year.  That’s a lot of miles...you don’t do that without pain and lots of aches.   But my brothers comment.  ‘I do pain for fun’. (In regards to his long rides).  And THAT is the comment that has stuck with me.   He is in amazing shape....but he runs TOWARD pain in order to get to that point.  Most of us shrink away and retreat from the aches and pains of bettering ourselves.       He runs toward the constant Aches...not the pain of a broken pelvis!). It’s a different mindset...and one I really need to ponder more fully in regards to my personal quest for health!!!

And finally..some fair pictures!

The results are in!!!

Another week bites the dust.  I am so ready for the weekend and HOPEFULLY some sun.   No, we don’t have any plans, but we will surely come up with something!!!  The work week was, well....ho hum, which I guess is good.

It was really rainy this week and I really missed my lunch break walks at the beginning of the week.  I braved the overcast and threatening skies and walked when I could, so I got in two lunch walks.  They were muggy as all get out but it felt good to walk and get some fresh air after being cooped up for days!  One one of them it started to sprinkle right at the end of the walk.  So I consider myself lucky that I didn’t get wet on my walks!   The forecast is actually not too bad for the weekend.  However, it’s been so wet that anything outside is going to be a waterlogged muddy mess, so that limits us a bit.    Sadly, the forecast for next week is not looking pretty.  Oh well.  Nothing I can do about it!!

Victories for the week:

A while back I had made a statement that I could go without a sweet treat for two weeks.   I put my money where my mouth was and actually completed the two weeks.  There were some moments that were difficult. (Honestly,  the edible cookie dough I made for Jason was the only rough thing I encountered...making it AND seeing it in the fridge for the next few days just about killed me....and yes, I’m being a bit melodramatic with the ‘killed me’ comment!). But I was victorious...I actually made it 16 days before I broke!

Lessons for the week:

Denying myself something made it a huge deal in my mind.  I was; before the ‘no sweet treat experiment’, doing fine with denying myself the sweet treats with just an occasional indulgence.  Once I started the challenge, having a sweet treat was ALL I could think about!  I thought constantly about what I was going to have when I broke my sweet treat fast.  I planned and plotted.  My mouth watered thinking about it.  It was a huge deal.   So it made me realize that for me, very definitively; restriction does not work. 

Failure of the week:

I managed to stay within my caloric range all week long.  Actually I was even at the low end of that range.  My failure...one night I wasn’t really hungry but the food was so good that I kept eating, and eating, and eating. And ended up feeling miserable and sick ALL night long and even midway through the next day.  I failed to listen to my body!

Weight

I am showing about a half pound loss.  That is with no sweet treats and staying within my calories.  But hey...it’s a loss!!!!  (The pattern is still there...I didn’t pop up on the scales last weekend but I sat and maintained all week and on Friday showed the loss..go figure!)

So, my sweet treat exile didn’t make much of a difference....(ok I did drop a half pound so it did play into it...but I didn’t have any mad loss). Thus,  I’m going back to reclaiming my quest for a healthy relationship with food.  That means sweet treats are not out of the realm of possibility...just not every day!    I’m going to keep pressing forward to make me the healthiest version possible!

Resentful

I want to lose weight.  I need to lose weight. There’s no way I can deny that I’m overweight. My work even tells me I’m overweight through a  health screening  that they do yearly.   I resent the work reminder though.  I resent it a lot!

OK, let me explain the work insurance. We have the price of our insurance which is quite pricey.  We get a ‘discount’  if we sign a statement saying that we are tobacco free and if, during the yearly health screening we either show a weight loss or we are in a healthy weight range. Last year since I was a new employee I was exempt from the health screening. This year I am subject to these rules. So my weight has been on my mind a lot and has been since my health screening.  I do have an appointment with my doctor. Hopefully she will sign the appeal paperwork so that I can still afford health insurance.

I resent this policy. Not for the reason you might think. I know I’m overweight and I know that causes health problems which is what makes the added money on the insurance. What I resent, is the fact that I am really working to overcome the diet mentality. I am really working to overcome that big focus on the number that the scales show. I resent the fact that my work is forcing me to think about it and worry about it. I resent the fact that this policy makes me want to crash diet.

I got back on track this summer and I was losing...slowly but surely.  And then this health screening came into play.  Is it a coincidence that my weight loss stopped right then and there?   Maybe...maybe not.  (I also think it might be partially due to my out of whack female cycle...along with the stress and change of focus!)

Following the health screening I made an appointment with my doctor to try to get an appeal for this added expense.  (I see her next nine day) I am worried.   I saw her a week (almost to the day that my dad died) and I weighed a few pounds less than I weigh right now.  My dad died and I gained 30 pounds, overnight.  (Ok not overnight...but within a month.). So with all this worry about the insurance and my weight,  I started to stress and I started to think about crash diets!

I wanted to crash dirt so bad!   But I didn’t.  I stayed the course but I stopped losing....however....I maintained!  With two weeks left before the appointment,  I broke my ‘stay the course’ and decided to cut sweets for the two weeks.   Yes I allowed the stress to overrule my common sense!!  

I am a week and a half into my no sweet decree.   I am determined to complete it...if even just to prove to myself that I can!  It’s a test of my willpower and I WILL win!   But that said, I resent the fact that I did it!   I was actually  working on accomplishing a healthy attitude toward sweets...and this two weeks of restriction have made me crave and think about these sweets MORE than I did before!   I am serious, I sit and think about what I’m going to eat first when I break the sweet treat-fast!  My mouth waters as I think about it!  (I’m thinking it will be edible cookie dough...I made some for Jason during this stint...and I’m very proud that I didn’t even lick the spoon!!).   

I’m working on developing a healthy relationship with food. I’m working on developing a healthy relationship with the scales.  I’m working on building a healthy life.   And I have allowed the stress and the work insurance policy to push me backwards in my learning process because they are indirectly pushing me..    I will finish off the two week moratorium on sweets (seriously...it’s only until this weekend), but then I’m going back to exactly what I was doing before.  Allowing myself the occasional indulgence...IF it works into my calorie count for the day.    Back to the basics...and hopefully back to the slow but steady weight loss!!!

Rain rain go away

Ahhh Monday....here we are again!   You keep coming back...and I don’t particularly like you!   But alas, all weekends must end.  

Weekend Shenanigans

Well honestly, we didn’t have wild and crazy shenanigans this weekend.   

We got home on Friday night... about 3 or 4 minutes before I got home the skies open and it started to pour down rain.  No worries.  Friday nights are our order for delivery,  pizza and wings night.  We stayed in and watched tv and relaxed after the work week and long days.  

Saturday....what can I say?  It poured!  Yup, all day it was a deluge of rain.  We got out and did our grocery shopping and a few other stores just for fun. But it was just a day to be lazy.

Sunday… Were you expecting anything different? It wasn’t. Rain, rain, rain! First of all;  it limits your choices on what you can do when it’s this rainy. We did get out a little bit on Sunday also but just running from the car to a building and we were drenched. Plus, this dreary weather just made us want to curl up on the couch, watch movies, and play games. So that’s what we did.

OK, I did have a bit of productivity. I worked on my doll house.  I started to sand the floor of the master bedroom and I wallpapered and laid the flooring in the hallway. (With the exception of one small piece that needs to be cut and trimmed for a quarter.).

Weigh in results

So far so good, this might be the week that I am able to smash the pattern.  I am talking about that pattern that had been happening on the scales for me. The pattern being that I show a low weight on the weekend  but by Monday I’m back up. This week, I have been able to maintain all weekend… Even this morning!!!   Quite frankly, I was worried about this morning because I ate a lot of chips last night. They were accounted  for in my tracker, but chips are high in sodium. Coupled with the sodium is the fact that I drank  very little water yesterday.  (Bad me!)

Exercise

Nonexistent. Other than getting out and walking in the mall and stores, I have done nothing. In fairness, those walks were very deliberate because we knew we needed to do something. They count right? Ha ha Ha

So, this weekend was a bit of a bust for everything except my eating habits. And quite frankly, this upcoming work week looks like it may also be a bust for movement and exercise. (Lots of rain) That’s OK, weight loss can still happen in the  kitchen with my food choices. I’ve got this!!!

Friday review

Happy Friday!   I am so thankful that this hotter than blue blazes week is just about done!   Especially since the weather forecast is calling for a break in the heat and humidity.  The week was rather lackluster in most ways that count.  Nothing exciting or earth shattering to discuss.  

Victory of the week:

About a week or so ago, I decided to go totally without sweets for a few weeks to see what would happen.  I don’t plan on doing it forever...I do plan on going back to the random every once in a while indulgence...because that is a more sustainable lifestyle for me.  But hey...a few weeks sounds doable. 

I have held absolutely firm on this.  One evening I was having a banana with peanut butter and I was so ready to drop some chocolate syrup on top.  The syrup was in my hand when I realized that the chocolate would take my healthy evening snack into the realm of ‘decadent sweet treat’.  I put the syrup back.   The hardest evening was the night that I made a batch of edible cookie dough for Jason!  I wanted to cave!  I wanted to sneak a little bite!  I struggled to not lick the beater from the mixer or the spoon.   But I resisted!   I can tell you though...that just may be the treat I break my self imposed sweet treat fast with when my pre-determined time frame is over!!!

No matter what the scales say...loss, gain or maintain...I will refrain and make my goal of two complete weeks without a sweet treat!  (It actually is longer but I didn’t start paying attention and make my official vow until last Friday)

So a victory!  A huge victory over my addictions!  

Struggles of the week:

The heat!  The heat made riding our bikes pretty much non-existent!   It made walking outside on my lunch break and my 15 minute breaks absolutely miserable.  It just sucked the life out of me (us).

Eating:

My calorie count was spot on all week long!  (With the exception of last Friday...we order pizza and wings...it’s my cheat meal!!!)

My carbs were a bit more than normal, I felt. But according to the macros workup in myfitnesspal, I was under goal most days on my carbs.

Weight:

So the big question, how is my weight?   As I mentioned previously, I gave up my occasional sweet treats, so I was excited to see my weight drop! Well. All week long I maintained and saw no drop!  

My week wasn’t a bust!  There were some definite good parts and victories!  Hopefully the cooler weather  that is forecasted will help us get back out on our bikes!  And maybe...just maybe, the weight on the scales  will finally really start to consistently show my weight loss efforts!

Fear

I wrote  about fear the other week when I was getting ready to announce my book being published and available for purchase. I touched on the concept of fear, but I knew that I had to just get out and say what I needed to say about my book and I didn’t go into depth on the fear aspect. Since then I’ve had lots of thoughts on it and I thought it was time to share.

Fear is paralyzing. There is no other way to put it, it will stop you dead in your tracks. No matter what you think it is huge. When you allow your mind to buy into the fear and except it as a valid fear you are just feeding it. By feeding it, the fear grows bigger and bigger in your mind. Honestly, you have to get to the point of saying I’m not going to let this fear rule me and rule my decisions, my beliefs, thoughts and actions. You have to say, “I’m scared senseless but I am going to do it anyway.” You have to say, “damn the fears” and go full steam ahead.

With that said, Those fears that have paralyze me? The ones that I have faced? When I faced them, it turns out that those fears were silly!!!  I conquered them all like a champ and nothing bad happened!!  I was really proud of myself actually.   And...I was also chagrined to remember how huge these fears had become in my mind!  Seriously!!!

This mountain bike thing is one of those instances where fear threatens to overtake me. I’m afraid of hurting myself. I am not naïve enough to think that I’m never going to go down on one of these mountain bike trails… And by go down I mean wreck. Slowly though, I have noticed something. I will be out on a trail and well maybe not handling it like a champ, I am holding my own at least. But then I allow my fear overtake me. And that is the exact minute that the bike ride becomes difficult. That is the exact moment that I began to struggle with the ride!  The fear paralyzes me and convinces me that I can’t do it. No I’m not saying if I was fearless that I could handle every feature on a trail, quite the contrary I know my limitations. However, when the fear takes over in my mind it diminishes the skills that I do have.

Fear is a crazy thing. We all face here at one time or another. The question is this, are we going to push through and conquer or we going to shrivel up and let that fear BD hindrance that makes our life not as full and complete as it could be.

Healthy Living

Happy Monday!  No work for me today...so it really is a happy Monday!

Once again, we have had a lazier weekend.  We had been planning on going away for the three day weekend but our plans fell through.  It was probably a good thing. One night I slept in a few hours later than normal..and then napped on and off through the day!  It was just one of those weekends again I guess.  I'm still in relaxation mode.....so no utterly deep thoughts today!

My weight has thus far held steady and is maybe even dropping a bit.  I'm pretty happy with that.  (Even the holding steady part!).  I am still weighing myself daily though.  It works for me....it's a habit and a touch point for me...I know every morning how I am doing!  The 3 pound range is working for me.  I do NOT like my weight to be higher than my lowest weight, but I am ok as long  I'm in that three pound range.  There have been one or two days where I popped over that three pound range and it really made me focus on what I needed to do!  While I want to be losing consistently, I am happy with this plan!  It keeps me focused and it is setting me up for a LIFETIME of maintenance!

I am really working to make a plan that works for me.  One that I know will be doable for a lifetime...that's why I'm NOT giving up pizza and cake.  That's not doable for a lifetime.  I tried it before and I lost weight, but I regained because it wasn't doable for long term.  So I have adjusted myself away from total deprivation to something that may be a slower loss, but will benefit me in the long run.  Some things though, worked for me....so I'm slowly trying to reinstitute them. 

When I started to think about some of the things that I was doing when I was losing.  One of them was that I was part of challenges.  I was a part of some challenges at various places....one of which was in the community forums on Myfitnesspal.    (and a few other places).  I recently joined a challenge...but it's harder for me to get the pictures taken that I need for that challenge.  (I know...excuses.)  But it made me start to think about myfitnesspal.  I wondered if they still did stuff.   I finally made my way to the community forums and checked it out.  And what did I find?  Golly Gee!  They  have some community run challenges!   I joined the Biggest Loser challenge. It is individualistic...and also team based.....so hits both fronts.  It only requires me to weigh in on MY chosen day!   There are mini challenge options....simple stuff like posting daily if I track and exercise.  I couldn't wait to start!  So I am working on that now too!

Jason and I had a long talk yesterday while we were out and about about my weight.  He is an awesome guy and offered to refrain from having the sweets and snacks in the house...or to hide them. I honestly said NO....I don't want him to have to hide and sneak food.  The food issue is MY problem!    I did honestly ask him to help me get in at least 20-30 minutes of activity each day. I will talk myself out of doing it....but if he is there gently encouraging me to join him....I will most likely drag my sorry butt out!    He is on board 100% with that plan and that cry for help....but not before reminding me that he doesn't need nor want me to lose weight.  He loves me just like I am!  But he did say he is on board so readily because he wants me to be the healthiest version of me!  Yup.....I tell ya....I found me a good guy!

So that is where I am at......working a weight loss challenge......having the love of my life offering to help me in any way possible.  And just slowly working at this thing called HEALTHY LIVING! (nope, not a diet!)

The battle in my Mind

I was driving to work the other morning and started to think about where I am in this weight-loss journey and I was filled with mixed emotions. I have mixed emotions about where I am, where I’ve been, what I’m doing and everything. For me, the best way to work things out is by putting you down in black-and-white. So here goes.

I am still immensely proud of myself for what I have accomplished in the weight-loss arena. How many people can say that they were once over 300 pounds and lost down to where they were considered healthy and the perfect weight  (according to my doctor I was right in line) I am proud of that fact. But, on the flipside I am embarrassed to be the weight that I am right now. I know that the weight regain is all my fault. I can attribute stress of a divorce, changes in life, and a whole variety of other life situations as reasons why I regained…excuses.   But I am the cause!  What conflicting emotion!   Pride wars with self shame!

I want to lose this weight fast! Who wouldn’t. I did the restriction thing before, and it does work. (Obviously since I lost well over 100 pounds). I’m not restricting my diet this time, well  I’m not instituting major restrictions.  Consequentially, the weight loss is much slower this time around. I am not having the 2 to 3 pound loss each week like  I had the first go round with this weight loss journey.  However, I am also still eating pizza, ice cream, cakes and candy.  It’s just in moderation!   It’s slower.....much slower!  But that is where my mixed emotions come into play.  I have a friend on weight watchers who lost about 10 pounds in August!  (Go Julie). I have lost 12 pounds...in JULY and August!    I vacillate between the desire to knuckle down and strictly  re-strict and lose this weight  fast (relatively) and the desire to stay the slow and steady course. I have chosen this course simply because the fast (faster) way worked short term, but it didn’t teach me how to live and still have a balance with the foods I love.  (Cakes, candy, pizza, etc).

Now if I have learned anything from writing a weight loss blog over the past 13 years, I have learned that best laid plans are subject to change!   I have written extensively about a belief or idea only to a year later do an about face and go down a different path.  Life changes, our bodies change as we age, our circumstances change and with those changes come alterations in our plans and beliefs.   I’m ok with that. What is working today may not work tomorrow.  Right now, even though I am vacillating in my emotions on my path, I am continuing forward with the belief that my path is teaching me long term eating habits that will set me up for a lifetime of healthy eating along with a healthy weight.   

So the warring emotions?   Let them battle...I’m still pushing forward on my chosen path!   Health is the end result, that’s what matters!!!

Victories from this week:

* I made cheesecake on Sunday...I ate NONE!

* I made cookies on Thursday....I didn’t stuff myself full of cookies!!!!!(in fairness I had two..maybe three...small cookies)

Trouble spots this week:

* I have discovered a delicious edible cookie dough recipe.  (I sometimes wonder if it’s even worth my time as I’ve been eating raw cookie dough with eggs and unbaked flour since I was a wee lassie).   It’s hard for me to resist when we have it in the fridge!   We finished up one batch and I was asked to make a second batch!  Yeah I didn’t say no, I made it...I ate it!

* I have in the past dealt with a sore aching hip..the pain radiated down the back of my thigh.   That has reared it’s ugly head!!!!

Lessons learned this week;

*Just because I love something that tastes delicious (like the edible cookie dough) I don’t have to have a huge serving.  I can easily make more...at the very worst I would have to pick up an ingredient at the store which would delay the treat by a day at most!!! (Who am I kidding, I always have the stuff to bake something!). There is NO need to eat a ton....a small bite or two would be sufficient to satisfy my taste buds!!!  (The first bite is the aha moment anyway!!)

Weigh in

I have been holding steady at my current weight.  Not losing...not gaining.   I want to lose but I’m ok with the maintain.  After the crazy month of fluctuation this is a welcome relief!  Maybe my body is finally adjusting to whatever was causing the weight craziness!!!

Weekend plan

We have no major plans as of yet.  We have talked about going away.   Plus there are a few line items that have to be done (laundry, groceries, house cleaning) and a few line items on the list that are a want (shampoo the carpet, wash the quilt on the bed).   We have talked about wanting to do something fun and unless life gets in the way that’s a definite!!!   Time will tell!!!

Frog or Prince

I have been struggling with something. It is not really weight related per se. It is however totally related to me and my emotions. We are talking about fear specifically about going public on a short book I wrote. 

Fear is crazy...I have feared losing weight..and it HAS sabotaged my weight loss efforts.   I know when I fear a trail on the mountain bike I struggle and ride horrible.  When I’m fearful I don’t have as much success.   When I’m fearless....life opens up.  So how does this pertain to now???

A few years back I had written out my online dating experience as it happened, ending up with a cohesive chronicle/book.   I’ve always had this thought in the back of my mind of doing something with it, but I never really knew what to do.  And in the honesty,I never  have the time to really pursue anything too heavily. A few months back I decided to self publish this book on Amazon. I spent a little bit of time here and there on my weekends and I had some other people spend a little bit of time reading it.  Eventually, it was ready to roll. But then, I was overcome with fear and I didn’t do anything!!!

I have written some things before and published under a pseudonym and it wasn’t a big deal… No one knew it was me…no fear!!!  But this time it was totally different, I would be publishing a nonfiction piece under my own name. Everyone that read this would know this was my work. Talk about fear? Huge!

 A week or so ago I was talking to my friend Sue and mentioned that I was about  to pull the trigger and go live, but I was so fearful.  She gently encouraged me but I still didn’t come clean with the world!   But then last week I saw and heard a few quotes about fear and I knew that I couldn’t let my fears rule me any longer.  

So without further ado.  I announce the self published book written by yours truly!!!   It is available in print or as an ebook through Amazon.  (Through the link above if you want the easy method).  :-)

Frog or Prince by MaryFran Clingan. 

Weekend slug

Noooooo. I don’t want the weekend to end!!!  I am dragging on this Monday morning!!!!   We had a really low key weekend, which is what we probably needed. Our low key weekend gave me some insight to the weigh in pattern that I have been seeing, so that was good!  But in the grand scheme of things, my eating was horrible!!!  So without further ado, let’s get into the nitty gritty of my weekend!

An Indulgence

Friday at work I developed  a bad headache that drove me to the cafeteria looking for caffeine.   I found caffeine...and a chicken salad sandwich and...

It didn’t help...I really needed a second package to take the ache away.   But...I didn’t get it!!  I just ate the one package!!!  And boy was it delicious!!!!  I don’t feel guilty...do you know how long it’s been since I indulged in one of these???  My favorite candy???   The important thing is that it was ONE package...and I was done.  I didn’t buy more over the weekend...one and done!!!  (Oh and even with the caffeinated drink...I still made my water goal for the day!  I drank the soda alternately with my water while at work!  And I already had almost three down by the time I got the soda!!)

Bike riding

We actually hopped on our bikes on Friday evening and did a small jaunt on our local path.  We had skipped Thursday and felt like we should go on Friday to make up for the skipped day.  I can slowly feel my legs getting stronger!  

We didn’t sit on the bike the rest of the weekend!  No big ride like normal!   On Saturday we just felt like slugs and had no energy to do anything more strenuous than to walk through a store or two!  What happened on Sunday?  We had family obligations.

Slug activities

As I mentioned.  We were total slugs!   On Saturday we did our errands and went into a few stores. It was early on that we knew a bike ride was not in the cards for us. So we instead hit up the antique store near us and then went on a search for a retro game system!   We ended up buying the Sega retro system   It’s so neat to play the old games!  I see another purchase or two in the future, the Nintendo version and the Atari version!

 But other than that, we relaxed on Saturday. (And played video games)

Sunday we hit up another antique store, visited my mom and spent some time at Jason’s parents house to celebrate his belated birthday.

Of course we had to try on the fun hat at the antique store!

Food

Well, let’s just say that my food was delicious this weekend!   It included fried macaroni and cheese, pizza, French fries (baked), edible cookie dough, chic-fil-a milkshakes and of course birthday cake.  I had veggies and healthy things also!

Weight

I actually smashed the pattern of my weigh-in’s this weekend!!!   Yes I did!  It wasn’t all good.  I never dropped to my Typical Saturday low weigh in weight. My weight stayed steady through out the weekend.  Im actually happier with that than with seeing the really low weight on Saturday just to see it pop back up by Monday!  

Some theories about why?

* We didn’t ride this weekend!  I have been wondering if the intense hard ride on the weekend is affecting my weight!  

*I drank no diet soda this weekend (typically I drink a fair amount on the weekends)

Who knows...but I’m going to try to keep the diet soda away!   And the biking...well that’s returning!!!

Sometimes, you just have to listen to your body and be a slug!   Sometimes our bodies need the rest!!!  Next weekend is a three day weekend.  I’m already counting down!!!!

I’ve Got This

Happy Friday!

I am so ready for the weekend!   My weekdays are long (my work day is typically 11 hours if I include the commute in the time). So by this time of the week I’m more than ready for the weekend.  But, being a Friday it is the perfect time for a recap of my week!   So here goes.....a little bit of everything!

Biking

We have ridden every evening but one this week.  The reason for the missed day?  My commute one day was extra long due to hideous traffic so I got home a half hour to 45 minutes later...so it was already well past 6:30 when I got home....that coupled with a headache on Jason’s part just doomed that night!  We go as soon as we get home. And while we drag ourselves out the door to go, we always talk about how good we feel for having done it!   I’ve noticed the inclines getting a bit better....and I think part of that ‘hard’ feeling is in my head!  

Eating

My eating this week has been spotty.   I was so determined to smash the pattern  on the scales.  When I did everything right over the weekend and my weight STILL spiked up, I got disgusted.    We all know what happens when disgust takes over right?   No?  Well for me, I give up and eat what I want to eat!    Now, I didn’t totally give up!!!  So that’s a plus!  I still tracked.  I didn’t blow my calories by a ton....in fact I was still within my ‘large’ range of  allowed calories.  (The large range is is 1200 to 1600 calories a day....but I prefer to keep it down near 1200).   Where I slipped up?  I added in more carbs...my favorite!!!  Carbs are not a friend of weight loss efforts for me!   Hey I tracked, that’s something, right???

Weight

So my weight was up three pounds most of the week.  I wasn’t too upset about the three pounds...it’s within my 3 pound range that I am ok with ...in terms of weight  fluctuation. Not happy with it because I want it to be low...but I’m accepting of it!!   The one day though I popped up to 5 pounds higher.  It scared me...and it was definitely NOT ok.   And that scared me into cutting the carbs and getting things back in line!   And happily the weight dropped...it’s still three pounds higher...but at least I’m back into that three pound range!!

My Plan

I’m still happy with my plan and my efforts.   I know that in the long run that this is the best route to long term success.   I know that I could  heavily restrict and give up all forms of cake, pizza, ice cream or whatever and have incredible success.  I could eat salads every day. I did it before...it works, I lost a LOT of weight.   But it also fails.  Just look at me and you can see it failed...I’m overweight...obese really!!!   It failed because it didn’t teach me how to manage everyday living....long term.   There is nothing wrong with salads every day...if you love them every day!!!   I love a good salad...but not every day.   Some days I love a good cheesy slice of pizza.   For me the restriction just   took away things I love.  The love of those things never went away.  I didn’t eat cake...but I still loved it!   So this time, I’m slowly figuring out how to have the things I love (in moderation) yet still lose weight and be healthy!!!!   I’ve got this...even during weeks when I feel helpless and lost like this past week!!!

Kitten or Lion

I was in the shower this morning and wondering what in the world to write about today.  Seriously, what can I say?  My weight is up....still.   What more could I say?   I was down about it...and about my eating from yesterday.   I was really tempted to just chuck the idea of writing a post today. And then I saw a pack of small pocket packs of tissues (or whatever they are called...purse packs???).   I decided to take a picture and just call it a day.   But as I took the picture, strength grew from that deep place inside me and I knew what I needed to write.

First of all, let’s talk about my weight.  I haven’t smashed the pattern and yesterday I was hungry at work. I had a smashing headache.  I caved and went to the cafeteria.  I didn’t stick to a simple sandwich, I caved and got chips also.  Once I got to that point, I just didn’t care and when dinner came I didn’t care.  I tracked and I was still only at about 1600 calories. But there was a fair amount of carbs in my day.  (Ha...fair amount...how about a LOT).   I honestly didn’t care!

I cared this morning when it came time to step on the scale and I showed myself up in terms of poundage.  Self disgust and self doubt crept into my mind.  My weight has been dropping at a rate of a measley 2/10’s of a pound each week.  I probably just ruined that by eating all those carbs and the extra calories yesterday.  Why bother anymore!  I was feeling like a weak helpless kitten!

That is when I was tempted to chuck this week’s Wednesday post.  I didn’t want to give it up...it’s a habit and i hated to pass it up.  But, what could I say?  

As I was grabbing my phone from beside my bed I saw the three pack of tissue packets.  I decided to share my tissues.    A few weeks ago my friend Sherry sent me an email with a picture of some tissues because of what it said.   I loved it and when I saw them myself, I purchased them.   I dropped them on my nightstand and forgot about them...until today.

The first pack of tissues.

Find your fearless.   Immediately I put that in perspective with my current struggles.  I am so fearful...fearful that my slow and steady plan won’t work.   Fearful on the mountain bike trails (sometimes..other times I feel free as a bird).  And I feel fearful of the scales.  Im fearful of sharing my writing with the world.   I’m fearful of NOT knowing how I am doing...so I weigh every day.  (And I’m glad I do...it has shown me the pattern...if I only weighed on Wednesday’s I would not see the fluctuation and the lows and highs...I would just see it as a consistent high).  I’m fearful of never getting this weight off!  

Find my fearless....easier said than done...but it’s time to really search for fearless!

The next tissue pack?

Seize the moment.   There is no better time than now to make myself healthy.  Right now...every moment is a chance to seize the moment.   I may have indulged yesterday...but I have right now to do better.

And the third packet, the one that made me buy them?

Well then....believe in yourself.   Along the way I changed my blog title  o beliefinmyself. I need to remember to really believe in myself...in all ways of life!

It’s time to stop being a weak helpless kitten and instead roar like a lion!!!!

changed my blog title