Mini me war

This past weekend I battled a war!    I battled hard!  I fought the good fight!  I slayed the beast....well maybe not slay it, but I did face off with the beast!

What is the beast I so freely talk about?   It is the voices in my head.  Now let me say I don’t really hear voices.  Don’t sign me up for Prozac or whatever medicine helps quiet the voices.  I am talking about the conflicting wants and desires that flutter through my head.  Don’t eat that versus eat two! These are the  thoughts that tumble through our heads at any given day.   

Fat Mini Me

For a long time now, I have referred to the voice/thoughts  that try to steer me away from good healthy living as my Fat mini me.  This is the thought that comes to my mind when I am planning to go for a run.  It is the thought that tells me to not go, it’s too cold, it’s too hot, you have a boil on your butt (nope, it doesn’t get old to make fun of the butt boil!), or whatever reason that darn fat mini me can come up with!   It’s the voice in my head that tells me to stop running while I’m out for a run, ‘stop running, your dying’. Or the voice that says ‘who do you think you are fooling, you are not a runner, you are just a fat girl pretending to run’.    Fat mini me is the voice that urges me to eat a piece of cake because ‘you can always start tomorrow’.  Fat mini me is the thoughts that make me throw up my hands in defeat and give up just because of one slip up.  ‘You screwed it up now Maryfran, you may as well have another piece of pizza...and one wing or ten....heck add in some garlic bread also!”    The fat mini me is the destructive thoughts in our head.  The excuses!  The mental negative talk that we all have going on in our heads.

Thin Mini Me

This ‘voice’ is much more quiet!  Unfortunately, because this voice seems to get drowned out by the unhealthy comments from the fat mini me!   This is the voice that quietly reminds us that we have a goal to reach.   “You are only 1 pound from your next weight goal, stay strong!”   This is the voice that tells us to keep running even though you want to quit. “I can see the end, don’t quit now!”  This is the voice that reminds us that we can restart right here and now when we have messed up.  “You ate too much, learn from your mistake and don’t compound the mistake by a continued binge”

See, they are two conflicting thoughts!  When we are living a more unhealthy life, the fat mini me has a much louder voice.  But as we slowly change our habits the thin mini me gets more assertive and loud!   The fat mini me will never really go away though. That voice is just waiting for a sign of weakness!

So this past weekend these two voices/thoughts were at war for each other.  It was brutal.   

“EAT THE DARN COOKIE!” 

 “no you will regret it if you eat the cookie”.

 “HAHA, YOU ATE THE COOKIE AND YOU HAVE MESSED UP ANY HOPE OF LOSING WEIGHT! HAHAHA”

“you ran and rode your bike for two hours and only had a cottage cheese double and some strawberries you  are fine within your calorie count.  all is not lost”

It was tough.   And I listened to the sane thin mini me (the lower case voice in case you didn’t pick up on that.).  And do you know what?   That voice was right. It’s proven in my calories for those days...so let me give you that week...ending on Sunday night!

Here is my total calories.

If you notice I am still under the 1550 that is my top end of the caloric goal range!

But let’s now add in my exercise!

So as my report shows...I didn’t listen to the fat mini me.  I listened to the sane voice and felt more empowered from my good choices!   (And for the record o think the exercise calories are overly inflated on myfitnesspal...thus making my net calories seem more drastic...but I didn’t eat any of my exercise calories so there still would have been a dip!)

Mental battles

A large part of this journey to health is mental. Or maybe I’m just a basket case...hahaha!  No,  it’s definitely a mental game. In the last three weeks I’ve had at least three mental battles that I can quickly and easily remember. I’d like to say I won the battle for all of them but alas, that’s not the case.

The first mental battle came after I broke the no sweet treat fast  The two weeks of restriction set me back in that healthy relationship that I was building with food.  I all of a sudden  was back to wanting the sweet treats  all the time...because I hadn’t had them. Sure, I knew that I could have them again and that I was not doing the restriction thing anymore. But holy moly try to convince my mind of that fact! It really has been a battle in my mind to try to remind myself that sweet treats are not forbidden, nor are they something that I need to eat like there’s no tomorrow… Because if I want I can have them again tomorrow. So, yes I did dive headfirst into bad food for those first couple days and that is a definite failure. Well, we’ll call it a half failure… I learned something very valuable about myself. What is that? Restrictions only makes me want it more! (absence makes the heart grow finder… Maybe not fonder in the case of food but it certainly does make the desire for it grow more intense).

Last Monday I went to see the doctor . The doctor was very happy with my blood work and worked with me to set a goal for weight loss. OK, in reality she did not work with me she just told me what she wanted me to lose in the next year. My year goal is 10 to 20 pounds. (I’m sure the lower number has something to do with the fact that I told her my slow, learn to live and just be healthier plan where I restrict nothing, which she liked and approved of.) But seriously 10 pounds? That’s not much for a year long effort. And here is where my mind started playing tricks with me again. So… 10 to 20 pounds… If I maintain for 10 months I only have to lose weight for two months of the year. My mind started to scream at me… I call these voices my “mini me”, and they were saying take a break, you got a whole year to lose a measly little 10 pounds and  don’t  bother counting calories this week...don’t bother next week either… start next month… Better yet start after your vacation in October. Yes, my mini me is very distracting and determined to derail me!   I know that listening to those voices is not the best option and plan for me… At all. But the thought was really hard to get out of my head. It’s been a mental battle.

Last but not least, Friday lunch. It was cool outside on my first break when I walked. It looked like it was going to rain any second. And I started to think about taking just one more day away from walking and eating my healthy lunch to grab and instead grab food from the cafeteria. I went back and forth for two hours and 15 minutes until my lunch break. One minute I was going to go to the cafeteria. The next minute I was determined to stand strong. The battle was fierce in my head. I looked at my calorie counter (MyFitnessPal) and I pondered. I did come up with an alternative little ground. I walked. I did eat my healthy lunch. And I allowed myself to buy a few pieces of Reese’s pieces. So it wasn’t a total victory but it wasn’t a total failure. The battles in my mind

The battles in my mind are the worst deterrent to lose weight. I wish there was a nice way to stop those voices that tell me to go ahead and eat, or to skip my walk. But they’re not easy to eradicate.  Will power, will power, will power.

Reasons to push forward

Isn’t it crazy how our minds work?

On Monday I was gung ho and the scales were looking good, things were fantastic.  I was able to eat and stay in budget and close  to plan.   I was in budget with my calories and I was really close to my step count for the day. 

On Tuesday I woke up and my weight was up.  It was back to where it was on Friday, so technically I have not had a gain for the week. But the mind plays some nasty nasty tricks. I have talked about the mini me that sits on my shoulder before. It’s the voice in my head that tells me that I suck at running, it’s the voice in my head that tells me to eat chocolate, it’s the voice in my head that sends me on a nose dive off the cliff into unhealthiness.

So yesterday morning my weight was up and I was bummed out but I moved on with my day, and my normal plans for food. Traffic was horrendous, so I did not make it to work in time to walk. But I walked on my first break! And then I crashed between the first break and my lunch break.  I literally crashed and burned. I was tired.  I couldn’t focus. I was just feeling really punkish. I knew I had to do something… So I planned to swing by a store during my walk to get a caffeinated drink. All was still good, I was going to eat my fruits and vegetables and I was still going to walk. And then the mini me arrived. Oh she arrived,  did she ever! What did she say? “Your weight is already up, you may as well eat like a pig today and just start tomorrow.”  Boy was she Screaming!

Did I listen to her words? Sadly yes… To an extent. I did not eat the cupcake from the cupcake store.  I did not get macaroni and cheese with extra cheese from potbelly. I did not stock up on candy from the candy store. I did however go to the cafeteria and get a chicken sandwich which I ate with the banana from my lunch. I passed on the chips, which is a victory. But in fairness I will admit that I got a three musketeers bar also. The food/sugar made a huge difference in my afternoon. I didn’t feel so brain-dead, I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out from exhaustion, and I lost that feeling like I was going to cry.  So in fairness it may have been a wise choice.

Oh and in case you missed it… I went to the cafeteria for lunch… That means there was no walk. I did walk on my last break though. I was pretty much confined to the house last night due to some pretty vicious storms that ripped through my county/town. 7 inches of rain in two hours is a fair amount of rain. We  weathered the storm just fine. (There was a storm the night before that had us under tornado  warnings/watch, but that storm was fast moving so it did not dump as much rain on us.)

It is what it is. I’m OK with the decision I made to eat a larger lunch yesterday. I’m OK, but bummed by the continued higher weight on the scale… I was pretty much the same weight today that I was yesterday morning.

So today’s mission is to ignore the voice of my mini me as she tells me that I need cookies and cake and candy while I am at work. My weight is up…this weigh is the highest I have been in a while, but that is not reason to give up and “start tomorrow. “

That said, I was thinking last night on my drive home. I was thinking about where life is, where I think life is going, and where I want life to be in future years. I need to keep my future, my goals, my hopes,  my dreams first and foremost in my mind. There is so much I want to do and so much that can conceivably happened, amazing things. I don’t want to face life and my future at this weight… I want to face these things at a much lower weight. They will still happen at the higher weight, most likely… I’ve always tried to not let my weight hinder me. But if I want to be the best me as life moves forward I need to get my weight under control.

So I’m going to throw it out there right now… I am probably not going to reach my step goal this week… It is supposed to rain through Saturday night Sunday morning. That will hinder my break and lunch. I’m not giving up, But I am saying inclement weather is out of my control.

Meanwhile, the arthritis is kicking! The weather is playing a number on my knee… OK maybe my weight is playing a factor on it also. Just one more reason to get this fixed!

Shashing through fear

Tuesday night I took off from exercise and stayed home.  I knew that I was coming down with some ailment and I wasn't sure what it was.  I didn't want to exacerbate any potential sickness by doing any heavy duty exercise only to come home so whipped, tired and more sick.  So I went home and took it easy.  I woke up on Wednesday and I could feel the sinus pressure in my head and the sinus drainage.  The drainage causes my throat to hurt and gives me a slight cough...but nothing major.  Overall, I felt pretty good.  No overwhelming tiredness, no achy feeling and most importantly no fever.  I pondered exercise all day long.  OK, I didn't ponder....a war was waged in my head. My fat mini me and my thin mini me were at war and the cacophony of noise in my head from this war was deafening.  On one shoulder, screaming into my ear was my fat mini me.  My fat mini me was yelling "You are sick, do not exercise...do not exercise...do not exercise!"  The thin mini me was yelling equally as loud.....but the message was very different. What was thin mini me saying?   Thin mini me was saying "Excuses....they are all excuses. Sinus drainage and pressure is NOT an illness, just an inconvenience.  They are excuses to keep you fat and far from your goal."    The battle raged in my head loud.  I listened.  I pondered. And then I made my choice.  Using sinus pressure (which I know from experience can last for weeks) IS an excuse.  So I tested the waters.  I went for my run.  I did the next installment in my c25k thing.  I felt pretty good after that so decided to roll with it.  I headed off to zumba.   It went well.   1.5 hours of pretty intense exercise completed for the day.

This morning the war started to wage again.....but this morning it wasn't the excuse of not feeling 100% (still sinus pressure).  Well, maybe a wee bit.  This morning it was fear.   That old fear reared it's ugly head.  You see, I had decided that I would go to the gym.  I decided that I would try an exercise class at the gym.  I am a chicken.  I do zumba...but I'm in my comfortable class...my zumba class is my comfort zone.  Going to a new class at the gym is totally out of my comfort zone.My confidence is racked with fear....fear about being the odd man out, the only one that doesn't know what I'm doing...etc etc etc.   Then to make matters worse, I could have to rush to the locker rooms and face that fear of the locker room showers again.  I faced it last week and I know it's not bad, but the fear wasn't totally gone.  Fear........it's debilitating.  I ALMOST stayed home and rode the exercise bike.  But then I said, "screw this" and with my stomach churning I set out.   I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer while I waited for my class to start and then I headed into a zumba sentao class.   It was very neat to see a different approach to the same class that I attend on Monday nights.  Anita is still top notch in my book. Anita approaches the chair as an instrument to fitness.  This gal approached the chair as if were a stripper pole.  I won't lie...it was fun.  She was hard to follow...and while she wore a speaker that was piped through the sound system, the music mostly drowned her out ....which is OK because she sang along with the music most of the time.  Zumba is not a class where they usually call out instructions, so i wasn't expecting it.  I will be trying one of her 'regular' zumba classes soon I'm sure and we shall see how that is.    Regardless......I did 90 minutes of exercise this morning.  I faced the fear of doing a class.....I faced the fear of the showers.....I faced the rush between the class and my scheduled time to start work.  I faced it...and I SMASHED my fears!  :-)

Fear only serves one purpose...and that is to keep us from achieving the greatness that we are capable of!

NO FEAR~~~~~SHAZAM!

The war within

I stood poised this morning.  I was in the bathroom.  My foot hovered over the scales.  I was ready to tap the scales and step onto them to see where my weight is.   I wanted to check it so bad.  But I had made my vow earlier this week....no jumping on and off the scales due to the risk of getting disgusted as the scales do weird things.  The mental dialogue about the scales started while I laid in bed immediately following the alarms annoying chirp.  I want this so bad.  I want to lose weight and get to my goal weight so bad. I know that this is a long journey. And I know I need to be patient.  However, I want it so badly and I want it so badly NOW.   I can taste it (OK, maybe that's a bad phrase to use for a food addict...lol) I want and need the affirmation of the scales.  Yet I know that the scales don't always move the way that I think they should.  So I've vowed that this week I would stay off of them.  This is a journey and I can't expect the scales to drop all the time.  I'm in this for the long haul...and for that you don't need to weigh every day.  Suffice it to say that as long as I'm doing right, I shouldn't be concerned with the numbers on the scale!  Easier said than done.  boy, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be.  My little sabotaging mini me stood on my shoulder and screamed at me to step on the scales.  However, I made the vow....I respect my vow and I threw up my hands and turned my back on the scales.  How many more days until I'm allowed to weigh in?????  

I'm doing good today.  The C25K program allows for a 5 minute cool down walk. I'm thinking I may need to add some simple stretches afterward.  Yesterday afternoon I was just stiff.   Not really achy per se (which I'm happy about since I pushed myself further yesterday) but just stiff.  Some stretching of muscles should take care of that.

Eating...today will be my rough day.  We are going out to eat while we are in Hagerstown...after our dentist appointments (just cleanings) and that way we will avoid the valentines day rush at the restaurants.  I can do this though!   I know I can! 

On another front.  I have realized that I really need to be working on following my dreams.  I love to write.  I have things in my head that need to be written.  So I'm going to make a concerted effort to REALLY sit down and become more disciplined about writing.  For a while I set a word count goal for each day.  I made myself write a certain amount of words each day...with an allowance for one day to miss the goal each week.  It was amazing how much that discipline helped me.  It really did open windows.  The first few days were difficult, but after the first few days the words flowed like honey.  Something happened and I stopped writing daily. I just haven't been able to get back into the swing of things.  (Well, with the exception of this blog...I seem to be doing OK with writing when it comes to this blog).   I don't know that anything will ever come out of my writing.  But I do know this...I love to write and I'm happier when I'm writing.   I also know that sitting back and doing nothing means total failure.  I will be happier in 10 years if I have folders upon folders of written work that went nowhere versus sitting back and wishing that I HAD written something and wondering if I would have had any success. 

Knowledge is everything

I am feeling so very excited about my weight loss efforts this time.  There is an air of excitement.  There is a feeling of contentment with what I'm doing.  It is an electric current that I can feel vibrating through my body.  I like this feeling.  It is a feeling of being in charge, empowerment.  It feels good.

Yesterday I hit a low point though.  No, not in my weight loss and the good vibrations (cue the beach boys to sing good vibrations...haa haa haa) that I have going.  But in my personal life.  An area of my life reared it's ugly head.  For a short time at work I was choking back my emotions and when I got home those emotions were set free.  Admittedly, some of the emotions could have been caused by the upcoming monthly female ick, but the issues and worries and stress were real.  I sat  at work and I wanted to eat.  I wanted to eat my worries and tears away.  I wanted to forget about the issues that threaten to drown me. I looked back at the cabinet where we have our snacks.  I knew better than to even open the cupboard doors.  Once the door is opened, I'm admitting that I'm going to eat.  It's a lost cause, once the decision is made it's hard to turn it around. I read on someones blog the other day...so sorry because I can't remember where or whom....where they had caved and pulled into a drive through to order fast food. They came to their senses and BACKED OUT OF THE DRIVE THROUGH!  How awesome is that?   That is incredible!   But I digress....I didn't open the cabinet door because I knew that if I did that I didn't have the willpower to 'back out of the drive through'.   But then I noticed the candy sitting on the counter.  We are a small office in a small town.  Our customers are awesome.  They bring us candy, cookies, cakes, donuts, you name it...they have brought it. (We had one customer was ordering pizza and decided to order and extra one for us...seriously we have great customers.)   It's post Christmas...we have candy coming out of the wazoo.  I looked at the candy.  I was so seriously tempted.  I wanted, like I've never wanted before. (OK, maybe that was a bit over dramatic).  I walked over and started fingering the bags of candy.   And then I had a brilliant idea!  Candy always gives calories per serving, which is usually a couple pieces.  So maybe I could 'afford' one piece of something...after all, I did have roughly 25 calories before I was thrown over the edge of my self imposed calorie budget.  I pulled a calculator forward and started figuring out how much each piece of candy would cost.  ONE mint chocolate candy was 28.57 calories.  Seriously?  That little piece of candy?   I kept going.   A piece of peppermint hard candy was just about 17 calories.  One piece?   Seeing the numbers really helped.  Because those tiny pieces of candy were seriously higher than I wanted to spend.  (and honestly, who eats just one piece of candy?)    And then TRUE inspiration struck!   I spent a few minutes near the candy.....and here is the end results......

Why yes, all of the candy DOES have new labels that show exactly how many calories are in one piece.  Why yes, that was my idea!  Why yes, my co-workers are probably going to kill me.  Already one coworker this morning looked at me and said, "Really MaryFran, I do not want to see how many calories are in that piece of candy, it will make me feel guilty!" (she's a size 0 or 2 or some such skinny minny size like that).  My manager was watching me do my labelling system yesterday and she was happy , because she is also trying to watch what she eats.  In fact she is really wanting a piece of the 90 calorie candy, but has since made the decision to hold off until it's a day where she has more 'available' calories to consume.  Are the rest of my coworkers going to lynch me when they return on Monday and see my 'decorations'?   Probably!  Do I care?  Not in the slightest.  You see, after putting the numbers CLEARLY on the candy, I had absolutely NO desire!  there was no way I was eating a piece of chocolate mint the size of a Hershey kiss and blowing almost 29 calories!   Knowledge is everything!

Last night, I was still feeling rather down with the personal issues.  I am proud to say that having my menu for the day totally completed and planned worked well.  I made what was planned for dinner.  I ate what was planned for dinner and when it was over, even though I wanted more. (remember, I like to feed my emotions) I said, "No, I've had enough to fuel my body."  I stayed on my couch and ignored the fat mini me that was on my shoulder telling me that food would make me feel better!  Yesterday was a success, regardless of the emotions pouring through my body. 

I have decided that at least for the time being, I need to plan out my meals a day in advance.  I need to know exactly what the plan is for the next day.  That way when that fat mini me starts screaming at me to eat in order to silence the emotions the bubble up in my life I can look at the 'plan' and keep the course!

Shame

I'm so freakin' ashamed. I was at work and I was just dragging. I KNEW I didn't want to go to the gym. I was hungry and my legs just felt HEAVY! SO what did I do??? I went home and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (ok, not so much ashamed at that one...my stomach had literally been growling for a few hours) and when my husband got home a few minutes after me, I promptly talked him out of going to the gym. ME, the one that babbled about how I hoped he wouldn't wimp out on going to the gym. I swore that we would run our errends and I would ride the exercise bike at home for at least an hour in lieu of the gym. I had such good intentions. I made dinner....and washed the dishes and got on that bike. My legs felt like dead weight. I made it 10 minutes before I gave it up.

I'm a loser!

I am packed and ready for Zumba tonight though. I'm at work...I have my workout clothes, my dinner and my water bottle ready to fill up! No excuses tonight!

This running dialogue in my head....I call it the fat mini me that's in my mind feeding me all of these excuses. And honestly, it's difficult because the excuses are SOOO easy to succumb to!