I'm still standing. When I write that it does seem a little melodrmatic. And maybe it is, there are peopel that have gone through a whole lot worse stuff than m. I know that and I know how much wore it could be for me. But regardless, I"m still standing.
The last month has been difficult for me......oh shucks, who am I kidding, the last three years have been difficult. 3.5 years ago we got married and life was grand. We started looking for a house and we ended up buying a house. Still grand. But then life went belly up and what can best describe the last three years is sadness. What should have been a happy time full of excitement turned into stressful and sad time...for three plus years. But I'm still standing.
I was thinking about all the life events that have come my way since we moved in and I honestly can say that they have not been pleasant and tinged with sadness, stress, fear and heartache. There hasn't been one happy life event since we bought the house. Ok, we did celebrate some anniversaries and birthdays....but they were celebrated with no fanfare and were just normal days. In comparison, I watched my mom suffer for almost two years after her stroke. I watched her lose touch with reality and beg me to pray that she would die. It was tough, emotionally and it spread me thin as I was trying to hold on to my responsibilities in my marriage and at our house. In the midst of that Jason had a run in with an axe. It left him injured and off of work. So I spread myself thinner as I tended to his medical needs and as he was off work for about 5-6 months, I was even more stressed as I tried to make the finances work on a single income. I also had the stress of my medical issues that resulted in tests and doctors appointments as they diagnosed me and bandied about talk about "this test will check for cancer as what you have been diagnosed with if left unchecked like you had been frequently causes cancer." Then the worst of all, my mom died. (Honestly, it was a blessing because she was NOT going to get better and only continue to get worse....but I was still left without my mom.) It was sad to clear out my parents house, and yes mom hadn't gotten rid of anything of dad's so we had everything to go through. I ended up working on a team with a 'Karen' who was in a position of power. She was horrible! She ridiculed and frequently told us how we were inept and ineffectual and how it was no wonder the team was falling apart since I had done such and such and believe me when I say that her abuse was over crazy things like me choosing 'file and then save as' versus just clicking the disk icon. (Heavens knows what would have happened had I chosen Contol -S. But after such egregious actions as saving a document in her nu-preferred way she would say things like "oh my word, I can't believe you don't even know how to save, you can't do anything right." Is it any wonder that I wrote a post in May of 2023 titled confidence? In the midst of this three year endless tragedy that was my life my work was becoming more unstable. Not once....but two times the team that I was on at work was called into a meeting to say that "the team is being disbanded in two months and we are not sure that we will have a position for you." I dodged those bullets and retained my job. But then the company started having mass layoffs. I dodged those bullets also. But the strain and stress of the insecurity and instability of your job situation is tough. (And yes, I was low key looking for alternate employment.) Finally that came to a head in December of 2024 when they announced that I (along with my whole team) was being laid off, and on my birthday of all days. I finished out the last few weeks of work and found myself unemployed on January 1rst. And that started the stress of unemployment. I'm not going to lie, I like being home and free to run errands and relax......but I also missed working. Furthermore, I NEEDED a job! HUNDREDS of applications were submitted. I was trying to find another remote job so I could continue to work from home, but those applications were going no where. Stress upon stress upon stress. But I'm still standing.
As soon as something was resolved and before I could even emotionally recover, something else happened. The stress has been weighing me down heavily for quite some time. This stress has carried into other areas of my life in ways that I won't go into today. But I'm still standing.
In the last week or two I have been offered a job (two actually). Both of them are in person but I am surprisingly excited about getting out of the house and out into the world. These last six months at home I have been very sequestered and alone. I am somewhat worried about the dog though. I've worked in the last months to get her used to me not being home all day...and she has gone multiple times with me being gone for 8 hours. I think we will have some messes at first...simply because she is somewhat used to waiting to use the potty (the yard) until she wants to...but that won't be a possiblity. But seriously, I think she is going to sink into a fit of depression. That honestly is my only worry...my dog!
I'll be starting my new job literally 6 months almost to the day (one day off actually) from my last day at my previous job. Yes, one day shy of 6 months of unemployment. It's honestly the first 'happy' thing I can think of happening to me in the last three plus years. Is my luck changing? I'm certainly due some good luck....some happiness. But as I thought about this change of my luck, I started to think about where I am and where I have let the last 5 years take me.
So let me just say it here and now.........while I have had some bouts of weight loss and some great periods of being physically fit (such as my 75 hard challenge earlier this year), I have actually gained a fair amount of weight. I am literally the highest I have been since I started this blog. Yeah, it's hard to write that and face the truth. But there it is. This weight gain comes at me naturally. I am a stress eater. The last three years have been nothing but stress. Couple that with illness and injury and life constraints that kept us too busy and/or incapable for actives that we have enjoyed and that set up bad habits and we have fallen into a habit of not being as physically active as we once were. And there you have.....a disaster for my weight and honestly my health. But you know what, I'm still standing.
So with my luck changing for the better (I refuse to believe anything else) I know that I have to change my habits for the betterment of myself also. I'm not making grand plans. I have two weeks until I start working and I will honestly be busy. I have a girls weekend that an ex-coworker has planned that I will be embarking upon next weekend. (We are going to New River Gorge...it's about midway between us....and it's just pretty plus she has never been to West Virginia). I have paperwork for my new job. I have a few other outings planned. Plus, for my first week or two I will have to drive to Harrisburg (about an hour or more) for training (I will only be about 10 minutes from home once training is over). I know that I will most likely be exhausted that week from the unaccustomed aspect of work....and a commute....AND learning new stuff. So I also want to plan out some meals that I can have in my freezer ready to thaw and quickly cook for dinners those nights. So the two weeks will be busy!
I may be standing in a place that I never thought I would be......at the end of a 6 month period of unemployment, missing my mom (and my dad)....having been laid off....and back to a heavier weight than I ever thought I would be again, but when it comes down to it, I'm still standing and I am ready to be free myself and soar!
And in case you haven't heard this song.....go listen....it's been my theme song of late! (Seriously, so many of her songs have been my theme songs over the years....Fight Song right after my divorce.... Better Place when Jason and I were falling in love....etc. )
