My loosey Goosey Plans for Weight Loss

 It has been about 10-12 days since I decided to take control of my weight issues and actually do something about it.   I didn't make any huge vows to start big and drop my calories to a certain level.  I didn't make any great plans to exercise for such and such length of time.  I didn't even promise to drink a specified amount of water.  I simply said that I was going to work to track my food and come what may. 

That is what I did.  I tracked my food.  Period. The end.  I did nothing else to further my weight loss.  I was just bluntly honest with my tracking (including the cough drops that I inhaled like candy due to this never ending cough).   I simply tracked my food.  Now historically speaking, I do tend to tighten the belt with my calorie intake when I am tracking.  That is due to a combination of being cognizant of what I am eating  but also the feeling of not wanting to have to admit what I really ate.  I am sure that happened this last week.  And I will say that I dropped 2.1 pounds.   A victory because any loss is a victory.    

My weekend was only so so in terms of my eating.....but I tracked it.    With that said, I know that it is time to tighten the belt so to speak.  It is time to roll into phase two of making small changes in my habits to enact a change within my body.    So what change will it be this week?   Water consumption?  Exercise?  What shall it be!

I would love it to be exercise, however I am still battling this crud that started about a week and a half ago.  The dry hacking cough is now a wet loose cough that produces nothing and just rattles my chest.  (Yeah, so much fun....note the sarcasm!)  During this weekend I was outside doing a few things in the yard such as carting lawn furniture to the shed, pulling tomato cages and trellis' from the garden and dragging in hoses.......basically winterizing the yard.  I noticed that while I felt fine (other than the cough) when I started doing the work, after a bit of anything more than a simple walk (anything strenuous) that my  chest would tighten up and hurt.  (Which is honestly no wonder with all this coughing and hacking that I am doing).   So exercise is not really in the cards for me right now.  I will continue my daily walks with the dog....and maybe even throw in one on my lunch break here and there (which I do on occasion.),  But exercise, not a focus at the moment.

Water?  Should it be water?   Nope, I am letting that one evolve on it's own.  

Instead of those things, my next focus will be on lowering my calories.  Like before I am not vowing to eat at a certain level of calories.  I am not promising to never have cake.  I will not be attesting to eating a certain amount of fruits and veggies or upping my protein into the stratosphere.  I am not promising anything.  I am just saying that it may be time to make an effort to reduce my calorie consumption and to eat as nutritiously as possible.   

Yes, I know that my plan is extremely loosey goosey.  I know it's crazy and unorganized.  I know that it's not scientific.  But I know that it's what I need at the moment.  I have been writing this blog for almost 20 years.  I have made the vows and the promises over and over for years upon years.  And it hasn't worked.  I have studied and practiced the art form of weight loss for those same years (longer really, because I was working on weight loss before I started this blog)......so I know what needs to be done.  I have written scads of words about it.  I have even posted videos for years  on youtube about my weight loss efforts.  Yet I have struggled for so many of those years. (I have also had victorious years and posts thank heavens.)  But the promises.  The challenges.  The goals.  The plans.   They haven't worked in recent years, so it's time to do something totally different.  It's time to  throw out the guide and do something totally different.   And here we are...it's time to be loosey goosey. 

I have been utterly lax with taking pictures of my days and life, so there is no picture to accompany my loosey goosey post.  So I will leave you with a pictures of my Goofy Gus, otherwise known as Zoey, our dog!

9/19/2025  Her 3rd birthday

 

 

Lazy bum sleeping on the couch

Staring me down

 

Dreams and Thoughts

Where did my dreams go?  I seem to have lost them and I don't know where they went.   It's kind of interesting.  It's kind of scary.  And weirdly enough, I don't know where and when they disappeared.  All I know is that last night I realized that they are gone....and I am bereft.

 Now first of all, I want to say that the dreams that I am talking about are not the dreams that come to us in the dead of the night while we are asleep.  I very much still dream frequently.   I don't always remember them much past that first wakeful moment or much after the first 24 hours post dream, but I have plenty of night time dreams.   Lately, they have been more nightmare quality (think watching plane wrecks, death, destruction and even one or two where you watch your parents die in tragic accidents).  But happy dreams or nightmares, those dreams are still around.

No, I am talking about the thoughts that fill my head when I am falling asleep, bored, lonely.   In essence my daydreams. Since I have been very young I have always filled my head with what I have always thought of as 'dreams'...but in reality I guess I could refer to them as 'story lines' in my head.  This has always been my chosen method to 'put myself to sleep', I close my eyes and imagine myself somewhere else...living the life of my dreams and building a story line in my head.  The setting, story line, characters, season and whatnot change, sometimes daily.   Over the years I have traversed the nation in a covered wagon, lived with the Indians in teepees on the great plains, fallen in love countless times, been a millionaire, been famous, worked as an archeologist, librarian, and schoolteacher.....and countless other things.  Thinking back I can see how my interests in life and the books I was currently reading played a factor in these dreams.   I remember being maybe 8 or 10 and reading the Little House of the Prairie books.  For months afterward I lived the life of a pioneer gal, traveling in a covered wagon.  Likewise, when our family went on vacation to Williamsburg, VA I suddenly created story lines in my head about life in Williamsburg or the nearby Jamestown.  Seeing the Replica ships were a huge memory for me when I visited Williamsburg years later (and yes I even talked about how I was most excited to visit the ships in this blog post where I recapped that visit 30 years after my first visit) , So I imagine that I spent time dreaming about how my life would be on one of them.  All of this to say that these story line/dreams have been a part of my life for a LONG time.

 Last night I couldn't fall asleep.   So I immediately turned to my old tried and true standby.  I decided to create a story in my head.   (I guess it's something similar to counting sheep)  Only there was nothing.  My mind was blank.  I've been reading, so there should be tons of scenes and settings in my mind (except that I did just finish a story about the holocaust......and that's not really a setting I want to imagine myself in.......I want to avoid nightmares!).  The more I tried to start a story in my mind......the more upset I became!  Where did my stories.....my dreams.....my 'friends' go.  

Over the last months and maybe even years I have tried to rediscover who I am.  I have felt as if I have lost some of who I am somewhere and somehow.  Is the loss of my stories part of what I have lost?   Food for thought.   

And seriously guys......tell me honestly.....am I nuts for these story lines that have always floated in my head?????   I honestly think this may be the first time I have ever in all my years tried to verbalize this.  (I know I was doing these stories/dreams in my head at least 4045 years ago...probably longer)  I think I just thought everyone did it....but now I am wondering.

Suit of Armor

 Its just one day.  It's an aberration and not the norm.  Or rather I will MAKE it an aberration! You see, I had a bit of a slip yesterday.  Yes, after I posted my victorious loss on the scales I went a bit haywire.   Can we say self sabotage?  Can we say I was happily protecting my fat suit of armor?

So yes, yesterday I was victorious and posted a nice loss. (2.1 pounds.....) I then proceeded to apparently mock my success by eating a big breakfast of chipped beef gravy over three slices of bread.  Now it was thin sliced bread and grainy and seedy.  So not the worst choice and probably the calories of two slices since it was thin sliced.    But definitely more calories than I usually eat for breakfast.  Lunchtime rolled around and what did I do?   Why I decided to eat chips and salsa.  CHIPS????  I mean, the salsa is not bad....and the heat from the hot salsa probably helped the sinus drainage that I am STILL dealing with. (Will this cough EVER go away?).  OHhh but I was not done yet.  I ran into a store for some other things and something possessed me to buy a brownie to add with my oh so UN-healthy lunch options (well...the chips were unhealthy).  Heck yeah I ate the brownie!  Dinner was more normal.  I made a potato soup and we had turkey and cheese sandwiches with it.  BUT, the brownie had 'wet my whistle' (to quote my dad) and I made chocolate cake with chocolate icing for a sweet treat.  And you KNOW I had a piece of that before I went to bed.   Ohhhh....and I had 16 ounces of water but after that I switched over to drinking diet soda....no more water for me!)  All in all, I ate over 2K in calories.   TOO many!!!

And yes, I did notice that thus far in this post that I was  justifying my poor choices by talking about the healthier version of bread....the thinner slice......the value of hot salsa on my sinuses.   Justifications that are excuses and are not helpful to me at all.  Because my food choices were not at all healthy.  I was well over my calorie goals but even worse, there was nothing remotely healthy about my food intake.  I did not eat to fuel my body yesterday....I just ate for the sake of eating. 

No matter the reasons and my self talk about trying to justify my choices, I self sabotaged myself.   So I guess the question of the day is why?   Why am I subconsciously avoiding success?  Years ago (like in 2009 in this post) I came up with the fact that I wear my fat like a protective suit of armor. Being fat protects me.  It is my excuse.  It is my shield that I hide behind.  In a weird way, it protects me.  Emotionally at least, because the fat suit of armor is hurting my physically.   And if I want to be honest with myself......the fat suit of armor is keeping me from being the best version of me possible.....physically mentally AND emotionally. 

So where does all this leave me?   It leaves me with two schools of thought.  The first is that I can NOT let my one day slip up turn into two or three.  One day is not the end of the world.  One day will not derail me.   One day is just living life.  The trick is to just keep it at one day and not let one day stretch into two days...a week...a month.    The second thing?  I really need to delve into the mental and emotional aspect of why I am self sabotaging my weight loss efforts.  I need to work on healing myself from the inside out! 

I did it!!!

 This is going to be a short post.  But I just wanted to come on here and give my daily report.  Ok, and a little extra something.

I am still holding steady with my efforts.  I’m not eating perfectly, but I am eating better than I was.  Furthermore, I am eating in a way that is sustainable.  There are no huge restrictions. There have been bo dinners of dry lettuce leaves.  I am eating normally but I am making better choices.  I am declining the junk food that I done really need.  But I admittedly have indulged in some sweet treats!

I have decided to make my official weigh in on Friday mornings.  I was thinking Saturday but Saturdays are a crapshoot of when we get moving, when I shower, eat, get dressed, etc.  Fridays are more routine and that is what I want!

So…..today is Friday.   And even with only small baby steps toward health, I managed a loss!   2.1 pounds to be exact!!!!   Go me!!!

Doing My Best

Are we ever really satisfied with our efforts?  Or are we as humans destined to always think we could do better?  Furthermore….is there always a bit more in the tank where we could do better…if we just tried?

Where in the world did this thought about my efforts come from?  Last night I sat down to eat my planned dinner and I was perfectly fine with my voice.  However, when I was done eating what I had planned I was still hungry!  I went to the kitchen and ate grabbed something else.   I never ate to the point of feeling sick, or even to the point of feeling stuffed.  So I knew that I had not overeaten.  Yet I sat there afterward beating myself up for the extra food. I had made my best effort and then I wasn’t happy with it.  In hindsight, I realized that my calories and food levels were way too low and it’s no wonder that I was hungry.   I realize my error in that I turned to higher calorie foods (not junk food…but higher calorie leftovers that were in the fridge).  But that didn’t make me feel any better.  I still felt like a failure.  

But in the heat of the moment I did my best.   And you know what else I also did?   I soooooo badly wanted something sweet after I ate dinner.  And guess what?  I knew I didn’t need it and I resisted.   I did my best and that is a win!

But why do we beat ourselves up over eating something not planned.  Why do we beat ourselves up for our mistakes.   Why do we demand perfection?  Perfection is not easily attainable.  It’s also not easily maintained.  Yet we strive for perfection and when we don’t achieve it we call ourselves failures.  What in the world is wrong with us.   (And yes, this segues into real life for me right now…I’m not just talking about my weight loss journey!)

I have been long intrigued with some of these extreme ultra running events.  In particular the ‘Barkley Marathon’ and the ‘Backyard Ultra’. These races are devious!   The Barkley is once a year.   Quite a few years they don’t even have anyone finish because it is that difficult.   The participants are faced with a grueling course (that they run 5 times….with 12 hours to complete each lap).  These runners are put through a physical and mental test that few can do….because few can push themselves past their best to dive into the reserves.  Likewise the Backyard.  It’s a race where participants run a 4 mile loop and they have an hour to do it.   Not bad eh?  But the top of hour two they line up and run it again.  At the top of hour three they line up and run lap three….for hours…and DAYS they start at the top of each hour to run their next lap of four miles.  The last man standing after everyone else has dropped out is the winner.    Talk about the tank being empty and drawing from that well of hidden reserves!

Those races totally intrigued me and I think it’s because sure, those participants want to win….but when you watch interviews with these people  it’s the victory of pushing your body to the limit…seeing what your body and mind can do.  It’s accomplishing the insurmountable!

In 2024 history was made with the Barkley marathon.  The first woman finished the race.   She was not first….she was not the second one to cross the finish line.  She was the fifth person and crossed the line with seconds to spare before the cut off!  Yet the world went crazy!  She lost!  Yet ahe gave everything she had and she was excellent!  (And while there were five finishers that year…some were repeat finishers….in the grand scheme of the Barkley there have only been 20 finishers in the last 20-30 years!)

I want to be excellent….I want to give my all and then some.  But I need to give up the hang up about perfection.  Being perfect didn’t get that woman across the line in fifth place…being her best did!

7 Days

 Seven days.  Seven days of commitment.  Seven days of sickness (ok, maybe six for that).  The week may not be perfect, but it’s been seven days!  

Seven (ish) days of Sickness

I am so sick of coughing!  It started about a week ago with waking up with a hoarse and raspy voice.  Followed by waking up with a sore throat.  Both of those symptoms dissipated throughout the days. But each morning they were back.  Hello sinus drainage!  But then about day 3 I picked up a cough.   A dry hacking cough.  Still, I am reasonably sure it is caused by the sinus drainage irritating my throat and whatever else it irritates.  (It surely irritates me mentally!). Thankfully, I don’t feel bad.  If anything maybe a bit more tired.  I know I napped a bit more than normal over the weekend.  But that could be due to the cough keeping me awake all night!   I have no runny nose, no continual sore throat, no sore ears, no aches and pains, no fever….just this drainage and cough.  I caved and started taking a cough suppressant to sleep, which helped.  I also take some through my work day…which also helps.  I hate taking meds but dang…..this cough is enough to drive me crazy!    And I sit here coughing like all get out, so I will be taking it again this morning!

Seven Days of Commitment

This morning I started my day by opening MyFitnessPal and entering in my planned food for the day.  I got the celebration notification that I have tracked for 7 days.  Go me!  Seven days of commitment to this journey.  I haven’t been perfect.  My calories are above where I typically like them to be.  But my calories are at least close to where I want them to be, which right now I am calling a win.  (I notice that each day I am getting closer and closer without any huge deprivation or struggle…it’s happening naturally!). I have had some victories, such as not touching the candy jar at work.  (The candy jar had become a huge habit!). I have not been perfect.  I did have a cupcake at work the other day.  However, I tracked each and every bite.  I even tracked the cough drops that I am utilizing for the aforementioned cough.  Brutal honesty with myself. 

I don’t really like tracking. I would love to be free as a bird and not have to pay any attention to my food intake. Free as a bird obviously doesn’t work for me!  I need that dose of reality to remind me exactly what I am eating.  And as I am seeing from these last seven days, just being cognizant of what I am eating and the fact that what I eat has to go into the tracker (no ifs ands or buts) seems to really resonate within me!   

Here is to seven more days!!! Seven more of tracking that is…the cough can go to H. E. Double hockey sticks!

Being Honest With Myself

How honest are we with ourselves?  I like to think that I am an honest person.  In fact, I would say that I pride myself on my complete honesty.  Admittedly, I may word things in such a way that it is not a lie but rather emphasizes the truth while hiding the negative, but it is true. But with myself...and my weight loss journey I sometimes have not been completely honest with myself.  And yes, it hurts me to admit it!   And even worse, this is not the first such post!  You can read how I was dishonest with myself from way back in 2013 here.  Sadly, I am not alone.  I imagine that most everyone on a weight loss journey has lied to themselves.

 

We lie about what we are eating when we are gaining weight.  A closet eater is hiding how much they are eating...putting a false/lie front to the world saying 'I don’t know why I'm gaining , do you see me eating any cakes, candy or cookies?'  While on the journey have you ever fudged your tracking...skipped putting on those bites licks and tastes (the BLT's)?   what about that handful of potato chips that you nibbled on while making dinner....the sliver of butter you added to your toast...I mean, it’s only 32 calories, does it really matter?

 

I need to admit that I have done it! sometimes it’s been an oversight that causes me to 'lie' to myself.  Sometimes it is a plain 'if I don’t write it then I must not have eaten it mentality. But that’s a lie!  (That particular lie usually proceeds a cease and desist from tracking all my food.) 

 

Lies can be about the exercise we are doing.  The intensity or the time spend exercising.  Lies can be about water consumption.  'Why yes I drank 64 ounces yesterday!'  But what about the half cup of ice that remained.  (True story...my Yeti tumblers always have ice in them at the end of the day....which means that I didn’t drink the FULL amount that they hold.  (Love love love mine...I actually have a few of these and have my eye one a new one/different color.)

 

So let’s face it.  we lie in weight loss journeys.  Lies and mistruths are what got us to obesity. Lies are what keep us in the obese category.  But who is that lie hurting?  Myself!  Furthermore, does the world really believe the lie that someone is eating perfectly when they are 100 pounds overweight?  (Or even 50 pounds...or 20!) Weight related lies only hurt the liar…and are visible for the world .  There is no poker face for this lie...our bodies reveal the truth.

 

where did this come from?  Yesterday morning I entered my food for the day into myfitnesspal.  I was happy with the calorie count for the day.  i headed to work and I had my planned lunch.   i even looked at the candy jar that my coworkers were digging through and walked on by.  no candy for me!  (true story)  But around midafternoon I noticed a flurry of activity out on the teller line and one gal hurried out the door.  I ambled out of my office to see what was happening. The financial advisor that services our branch was at our location and they had just discovered it was his birthday.  Luckily grocery stores carry readymade birthday cakes!   Yes, I had a cupcake.  Last night i had a moment where I seriously thought about not entering it into my tracker.   And I didn’t do it...if it’s not tracked then i must not have happened right??? So, I didn’t track it...until this morning!  This morning as i was getting ready to enter today’s food I realized my omission for what it was.... a straight up lie to myself. I backtracked and added that cupcake!   I also added a pile of cough drops.... because cough drops are my savior right now!!!  (I think it’s just sinus drainage causing the tickle that causes my dry hacking cough.... who knows.... but cough drops are my best friend).  Am I being silly about adding my cough drops....one is only 10 calories...but what about the fact that i had 10....or 20!  10 cough drops is 100 calories...20 is 200!!!  I think it was closer to 10...so that is what i went with!

 

It is time to be honest with myself. It is time to hold myself to the same standards about lies that i hold for all other aspects of my life.  It is time to be honest!

The Memory Quilt

It has been no secret that I have been struggling with my emotions in the recent years.  It makes sense, I have had a lot of traumatic events happen.   It's been a roller coaster.  It's been difficult and I've really struggled.  As I started to put the pieces of my life and my emotions back in check I stumbled on a hobby that I have dabbled in over the years and in the process have been working on a project that truly has e delighted.  A memory quilt!

In June I went on a gals weekend with my friend Linda.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  It was a weekend of laughter.  It was a weekend of healing.  It was a weekend of building our friendship stronger.  When we past a fabric/quilt shop we knew we had to visit!   We both have dabbled with quilting in our lives.  While there we saw some fabric that actually was designed with the New River Gorge Bridge.  We decided to buy the fabric and the complimentary fabrics and to each make a block to commemorate our trip.  We talked about how we could buy fabric and make a block for each girls weekend/vacation we go on.   It was a great idea and I was hooked!

I came home with my fabric and I made the quilt block for our girls weekend.  I had enough fabric left over  that I made a second block for the "New River Gorge".  I had always wanted to create a memory quilt and I now had my first block completed...almost.  I embroidered the dates for when Jason and I visited NRG and voila the first block was complete.  

The block that started it all

I loved the process and couldn't wait to work on the next block!  I went out and perused the fabric at a local fabric store and bought the fabric for the next block.  I had so much fun that it took no time at all for that block to be finished.  I bought the fabric for the next block.  And in that way I have made my way through almost all the blocks I need for my memory quilt! 

Of course our animals deserve their own blocks!

 

I have been creating this quilt as I go.  Each block is a unique pattern (ok, I do duplicate some patterns here and there).  Each block is unique in fabrics, although I do try to include at least one fabric that was used elsewhere in the quilt into each block.   Each block depicts something special, or an event, or a thought from the first 10 years of the relationship of Jason and I (yup, we are at the 10 year mark).  

When we were first dating we spent a lot of time at a cafe talking....the cafe had a purple couch.

 As I have been creating the blocks I have formed my idea of how this quilt is going to work.  I always knew that each block would be totally unique and individualistic.  For a bit I pondered including some of the negative events.....my dad's death,  the passing of mom, the car accident that took Jason's daughter...those truly heart breaking events.  I thought about making blocks to depict the loss of my job, my health scare,   mom's stroke, or Jason's run in with an axe.   But I knew that while they were part of what I am and what these last 10 years together have been...I didn't want to put the sad memories into this quilt. 

Of course there is a block for each of us that has our names and birthdays

But how can I just ignore those things.  They are part of us.  They are part of our years.  That is when I decided to add in half blocks randomly throughout the quilt. These half blocks are not pieced quilt blocks, they are corresponding fabrics (and leftover fabric) from the pieced blocks.  You see, if I left all the blocks  perfect 12 inch squares the quilt would be totally linear popping from one good memory to another.  But life is not linear.  So I am placing those half blocks of fabric randomly to acknowledge that life is not linear and that there are roadblocks. There are sad events.  There is heartache.  I am not putting in a specific number of half blocks. Well, I am in that I have a certain number that need to be there to create the quilt.  But I have refused to look at a half block and think, "that represents my dad.....or mom...or jasons daughter."   The memories and love for those people will always be with us and we don't need a quilt block to remember.  

A block to indicate our apartment that we first lived in (with address)

In the dead center of the quilt I have always planned to have a large block (my plan was  24x24 but now that I am working on it, I think I'm going to have to adjust that ....which means the other blocks will need to be adjusted...but that's ok because I have some ideas on how to adjust).  This super large block will be a block created with the double wedding ring pattern.  My plan is 4 rings of the double wedding ring.   This is the only quilt block in the quilt that will not have unique fabrics.  All of the pieces of the double wedding ring will be created with random pieces from all of the other blocks.  All of the events depicted in the quilt combine in fabric to create our union in the double wedding ring.  

We have hiked a lot of trails off of Skyline Drive in Shenandoah National Park

I have completed all of my blocks and all of the half blocks. (I am doing a quilt as you go approach.....if you are interested in quilting and have wondered when you look at my blocks.)  I am currently piecing the double wedding ring segment.  As I said earlier the pattern was larger than I thought so I will most likely have to adjust some things on the quilt....but I have a plan in my head of how to make a larger center block work!

Working on the quilt has been good for me in so many ways.  It has allowed me to be creative (which is something I truly enjoy).  It has allowed me to revisit the past and look at the good that has happened in life versus dwelling on the negative.   It has also given me a project that fills my time.  It has been a blast!  As I near the end I wonder what will come next........ 

The Trap

 I came dangerously close to falling into a trap yesterday. Yes, a diet trap, they are real and they are prevalent in our society.   What diet trap did I almost succumb to?  I almost started to think in terms of co-ncrete goals with finite time limits to reach them!   Ohhhh my, yes I did, but I caught myself just in time!  I actually started to put a finite time goal on a certain amount of weight loss.

 I actually said to myself "I can lose 25 pounds by Christmas/New Years".  That is roughly 25 pounds in 2.5 months.  What was I thinking???? 

 I don't think having goals and a finite time to reach said goals is a bad thing.  It's not bad at all...when you have 100% control over the results.   The 75 Hard challenge that I did a while back was one such good goal to set.  (You can read about the beginning of my 75 hard journey and what 75 Hard is here.)  It was a challenge in which I had to physically do certain things each day for a very finite length of time.   Reaching the goal was only reliant on my willpower and my actions.  A perfect goal.   

Weight loss on a finite time period is not a good goal...for me.  I know that people frequently say "I want to lose such and such amount of weight by this or that event" and that is fabulous if it motivates you.  But A finite time period for weight loss is NOT a good thing for me, and I suspicion a good thing for a lot of people.  You see, sometimes our best efforts at weight loss result in large losses each week. But sometimes our efforst results in smaller losses.  Sure it's always calories in calories out.   So figuring it out on paper,  if you eat in a deficit you should be able to correctly adjust and manage to have the correct loss needed in order to meet your goals.....but life isn't a math equation on paper.  Building muscle in your body can alter weight loss......it can make you lose faster....yet building that muscle can actually cause the scales to pop up a bit even as your waistline shrinks.  Conversely, if you lose muscle the opposite happens.   A holiday or celebration can slow down the loss while conversely a stomach flu could speed it up.  The variables are a plenty in a weight loss journey.   And variables are ok...but they can wreak havoc on a finite time period for a goal.

As soon as I uttered the goal of losing 25 pounds by Christmas I came to my senses.  No No NO!  I am working to heal emotionally, mentally and physically.  Putting possibly unreal expectations upon myself is not a healing behavior.    Furthermore,setting a goal of losing 25 pounds in 10 weeks is doable (at my weight) but would require absolute precision and perfect conditions in life and in my body.  Perfection is way overrated.  Life is not perfect so why we aim for perfection and then get upset when we don't reach it is a mystery I will always ponder.  But I know perfection is not what I am aiming for....because if I am for perfection I will certainly hit a week....or two..or three where I don't have the perfect weight loss and then I will be faced with the prospect of being physically unable to reach my goal of 25 pounds in 10 weeks.  And when that happens, it's way too easy to be demoralized and to give up.

 

Giving up is not an option at this time.  So I am refusing to set any type of finite goal in terms of weight loss.  If I lose 1/2 pound a week and it takes me a year to lose that 25 pounds, then so be it....I am still losing!  But if I manage to string together 10 perfect weeks where I lose 2-3 pounds (doable at my current weight) and I manage to lose the 25 pounds by Christmas...... awesome.  But I am not planning...aiming for....hoping for....expecting it. I am not falling into a trap!  My goal is simply to put my best efforts out there and see what happens! 

 Now to keep reminding myself of this fact, because human nature keeps spitting this thought into my head. "Be at such and such weight by Christmas........A great goal would be to lose such and such by Christmas.......2 pounds a week would be this amount of weight by christmas'.  But no no no, not gonna do it! 

Movement in the Right Direction

 I am still in the game.  I know it's only been two days of feeling present and ready to tackle this journey again, but I honestly feel good about where I am.  Now don't get confused, I didn't say that I was perfect during these last two days but I feel as if I have taken some steps toward a healthier and thinner me.  I am moving in the right direction.  I still have no promises to make, but I do have one or two concrete plans for the future as I move forward.

A Non-Perfect Victory

Yesterday I wrote that I was not going to promise that there would be no candy after my lunch.  (you can read about that habit and my post from yesterday here.)   I also mentioned in that same post that I would be navigating a lunch at work where we were ordering out and that I would track it.   I am proud to say that I DID track the whole day.   As I suspected my calories were over where I have always wanted them to be.  However, I am so proud to say that I did NOT have any chocolate after my lunch.  I am also extremely proud to announce that I ordered a salad.  Yes, in terms of calories; a chef salad with dressing may have been just as many calories as a sandwich and fries (or at least the sandwich with no fries)  BUT I filled my body with nutritious food versus empty calories!  I call that a victory!

 

Change in the Scales 

 I used to weigh myself every day.  I have come on here so many times over the years and expounded about and defended my position.  (You can read some of those posts here and here ).  I still hold to the belief that weighing every day is a fabulous tool.  I learned so much about my body by weighing every day.  I learned the effects of a super high sodium meal and how much I should expect to pop up on the scales after such a meal.  I learned that my body weight will spike two days after a larger caloric day. I was able to identify signals within my body that indicated changes on the scales. Weighing daily taught me so much.  Furthermore, when the scales are trending downward each and every day, a daily weigh in is fabulous as it keeps you motivated.

However, the scales do not cooperate and move for me the way that they did when I was in my 30's when I lost the weight the first time.   The scales don't even operate the way that they did when I was in my 40's.  The older I get the more difficult it is to move the scales in the right direction, so it seems.  At the very best it is freakishly slow movement.   I know weight loss  can be achieved at my age, but it is slower and a whole lot less linear.  It's part of aging and that is ok.  But that change in how I am losing is demoralizing.  When I am demoralized, that is when I give up and say "who cares, I am eating what I want since eating right for the last however many days didn't make a difference'....and thereby I display no consistency in my efforts.   So I am switching to weekly weigh ins.  I will be weighing myself once a week, Saturday mornings is the plan right now. Other than that one weigh in day, I am not planning on stepping onto the scales.  Weekly weigh ins for now!

I will throw in the caveat that when (not if....WHEN) I reach my goal, and maybe even earlier when I get closer to that goal that I may go back to daily weigh ins.  I do still fervently believe that it is a good way to watch what is happening and is a great way to stop a gain before it gets out of control!

 She Will Not Fail

My last change is within this website/blog and you may have already guessed what this change will be.    I have been writing on here for almost 20 years.  (Yes, I wrote my first post on Jan. 5, 2006).  I have long known that when I am posting that I am more focused and more in tune with my weight loss journey.  Writing on here has long been my accountability. (And readers have been my motivation, inspiration and cheerleaders.)  

This change came about a while ago as I sat back and KNEW that I had to do something and do it NOW (and not tomorrow).  I turned to prayer, heavily asking for help with my weight and asking for help with my emotional angst.   In the midst of those beseeching prayers I happened to read a post from someone that I have followed for years. (Sweat & Sparkle – Taking this journey back to me, my health, my happiness).  She has struggled with a lot of the same things that I have encountered, the death of a mother, weight loss, weight gain, etc.  And she shared a scripture that has been speaking to her lately.   "God is within her, she will not fall, God will help her at the break of day." (Psalm 46:5)  Yes yes yes.....perfect bible verse for where I am at.  

 

She also challenged her self to write more frequently as she works through healing her body mind and spirit.   Now this is a challenge that makes sense to me and that I can get behind.  So while I was already coming her because I know it's good for me, I"m all on board with joining her on her challenge and accepting it as my own!

Looking to the Future

I have managed to cobble together two days where while I wasn't perfect, I made good choices with food and with coming on here for accountability.  The weekend is upon me and for me that means even more difficult choices.    I am once again not promising anything, but I'm hoping that I can at least make one small choice that propels me toward a healthier me!   

Small but Mighty

 I posted yesterday morning about how tomorrow never comes.   I didn’t make any grand affirmations of grandiose plans.  I didn’t make any vows for the day.  I didn’t do anything.  I simply acknowledged the fact that over the last years that I have  been planning on getting back on track/starting hard ‘tomorrow’.  I talked about willpower and I did say I needed it…but I promised nothing. 

That post generated something within me.  Nothing big…nothing grand.  I didn’t alter my planned lunch.  Ok, I probably didn’t alter it because it was relatively healthy…..a half of a roasted honey nut squash (the BEST squash out there…just saying) some strawberries and some raspberries and a half of a soft pretzel.   All in all not too bad. (Could have done without the pretzel if I wanted to be super strict, but I have always preached sustainability….so there ya go.)  all was going well, until lunch was over.   I walked back through our work room and I KNEW the candy jar was ‘over yonder’!   I have slipped into a habit of getting a piece….or two or three…of candy after lunch!   Sometimes I go back for a second round.   But yesterday I looked toward the candy jar and said, ‘no way….not today’.  A small, but mighty victory.

And I know…indulging in a bit of candy isn’t the end of the world.  But for me, right now it’s not good.  Simply because it’s not just one piece a day.  It’s not even just one day a week…it’s multiple pieces and every day.   Let’s break it down.  three miniature Reece’s cups are ‘only’ 130 calories.  But if I do it twice a day that is 260….five days a week that is 1300 a week!  We are nearing a half of a pound in calories a week….that almost 2pounds a month…..24 pounds a year.    I felt super victorious with my choice yesterday even though it seemed like such a tiny victory.  But 24 pounds a year is pretty big!!!

I am not claiming that there will be no chocolate after lunch today.  I’m not even going to attest to a healthy lunch.   We are ordering lunch to be delivered today, so I am prepared to go higher in my calories for lunch and I know what dinner is supposed to be…..I will track it all,  be it good or bad. But I know that even one tiny change can have a huge effect on my efforts.  

Tomorrow never Comes

 How many times have I said "I will start tomorrow"  or I will start on Monday, the first of the month, after  vacation or any point somewhere in the future.  Let me just tell you, umpteen times.  I'm not even sure I can count that high!   It's seriously been a lot.  And let me tell you, tomorrow rarely comes.

 I have been struggling.  I have been struggling big time with my weight.  In my delusional mind I have thought that it was hidden.  But seriously, a girl can't hide the fact that she has gained 100 pounds.  Yes, I did say 100.   In fairness, I rounded up.  It's not quite a hundred.   And also in full transparency, I haven't gained a hundred pounds this year....or even in the past five or ten years.  But I am 'almost' 100 pounds up from where I was when I became a weight watchers lifetime member.   That 100 pounds came from years of vowing that 'tomorrow' I start, right after our anniversary or after such and such trip.

 Shortly after I met my lifetime goal at weight watchers I went on vacation and I gained some weight.  I struggled for a while trying to fight that weight back off but eventually settled into a weight that was about 20-30 pounds over lifetime.  I hated it!  But I maintained that weight for years.  I was active during that period.  VERY active.  I was running 12-20 miles a week, going to zumba at least 3 times a week and when I met Jason I added miles of hiking and biking onto my activity each week.  I switched jobs and I found it difficult to find time to run as the commute ate up that time.  But we were still active so all was well....and I maintained that weight.  Then Covid hit and I gained my covid-19.....yes I gained about 19 pounds in the first few months. Life was more sedentary I guess.  The final nail on the coffin was when we bought our house and somehow our life adjusted and we not longer went for long bike rides and long hikes.  I gained another 20 pounds.   This last year has been difficult with a myriad of changes.   Chalk up another 20 pounds of weight gain.  And there you go......almost 100 pounds gained.  (In about 15 years).  

The gain is not because I gave up.  I NEVER gave up.  Seriously, I have posted on here tons over those 15 years!   I even had a youtube channel where I posted about my weight loss journey (which I have not deleted but I have mostly abandoned.......due to time constraints and yes my failure to actually lose weight).   I have wanted to lose weight each and every day.   Yet I continued to gain.

It has to stop.   I am struggling with movement and mobility...which scares the living snot out of me!  When I was this weight the first time I was in my 20's and 30's and I was still active.  This time I am much older and it's not pretty.   I'm freaked out.  Yet I think about making changes and vow that tomorrow I will start.   But tomorrow never comes.

It's dire.   I always wondered how someone could let themselves go so far that they have to ride in a motorized scooter.  How could they slip so far that they get to the point of full immobility?   And I am happy to say that I am not there.....YET.   But I can see changes that indicate that I am spiraling toward that eventuality.  I struggle to get down on one knee and back up.  Getting up from a low chair is painful.  Those two things may seem minor and even excusable by saying "well I do have arthritis in my knees".....but they herald a future that I don't want.  How did I get here....by saying "tomorrow I will get back on track".

Tomorrow is here.  It's do or die. Which may sound dramatic, but is it really dramatic or is it the truth?  I'm not making vows of what I am going to do.  I'm not making elaborate plans of exercising such and such times a week or eating a calorie deficit of this amount or that amount.  Right now I am just going to focus on making healthier choices.......saying no to the cookie at work, the trip to Dairy Queen on the weekend, the extra serving at dinner.  Elaborate plans are only so good if you have the willpower to back them up....and right now my will power has been lacking.......and that I guess is what I will be working on, bolstering my will power!