I was Toast

Monday...what a dreaded word!  The weekends always go by so fast!  But hey, it is fun!   I got some activity in, I had my official  weekly weigh in, and I clearly started thinking about my progress in terms of goals!

Weigh In and Goals

I had my official weigh in on Saturday morning.  I reached my new decade goal!!!  I dropped into the next lower ten pound range!  I was 249.2 on Saturday my official weigh in day!  (It was 247.8 after my run that morning but I’m not counting that.  I was just tickled to see that number!) .  It made me realize that I have been operating with no short term goals...so I’m focusing on 10 pound increments....a decade.   I’m gunning now for the next decade.  That will be a biggie too!  Why?  That will put me back at the weight that I was when I met Jason!    (I was right at 238-239 when I met Jason).  The following ‘decade’  after that (when I manage to reach  the upper 220’s, will be neat because it will be back to the lowest Jason has ever seen me!    But then the fun will  really begin...I will be able to reveal a new body to Jason with each pound I drop!!!    He doesn’t care about my weight and actually likes a ‘chunkier woman’ ...which is good because I will never be a string bean....but it will be fun to lose and show off.  (Some new lingerie in my future maybe?  Hahaha. Ok TMI). So yes I have some definite goals...so pound increments!    

Food

I ate my dinner on Friday.  I know that Friday dinners are usually a bit higher in calories.   (Which is kinda crazy when I think that I use my Saturday weigh in as my official one!)   I had planned my whole day of eating accordingly because I knew that dinner would probably be a bit higher.  I ate my dinner and then sat there and berated myself for ordering the cookie AND eating it!  (We ordered delivery from Jimmy John’s.). I grudgingly picked up my phone to enter in my calories into the  myfitnesspal app.  Much to my surprise, I was still within my caloric goal range.  Sure, it was at the high end, but I was in range!   Even knowing that, I waged a war in my mind.  One minute I (the devilish mini me voice) would tell myself that “You  are so stupid!  You shouldn’t have eaten the cookie, You would have been down at the low end of your calories and thereby maybe would lose more weight.  You have messed it up!”  But then the calm sane voice of reason (man, I need to name that voice since I have the devilish voice named....hmmm) took over and I told myself, “Maryfran you are within the caloric range.  That is a victory and an added bonus for your indulge/delivery meal night.  You are not sitting there feeling stuffed and sick after overeating.  In fact, you feel satisfied...emotionally and physically.   You won that round.  You managed to ‘live’ within the constraints of a healthy eating plan.”   Yeah...back and forth the battle in my mind was waged.  But ultimately it was done, the food already eaten so nothing could be changed!  The only thing I COULD do was to not listen to the evil mini me and chalk it up as a failure and thereby head to the kitchen for more snacks/food since my day was ‘ruined anyway’.  I listened to the sane voice and settled in for a Friday night relaxation fest, satisfied with myself!  

Saturday eating was spot on!  My calories were at the low end of the range and I was pretty much satisfied all day long!  Sunday a bit higher, but I should actually be ok...better than ok!

Exercise

Saturday morning I didn’t let myself talk myself out of it!  It?  It was a morning run!  No matter the state of my buttock boil that I talked about the other day, I was going.  I got dressed and wore no underwear to eliminate  any excess rub the keister issue (I am not the commando type of girl, and actually had a really bad experience exercising with no underwear once, seriously read it...it was bad!!). and I headed out for a run!  I didn’t go far and I didn’t go fast.  But I went!  

Post Run Selfie

I came home and relaxed a bit before heading out to grocery shop and run a few errands. I came home and did some chores around the house.  Shortly thereafter we headed out with our bikes to go for a ride.  My legs were tired and achy when we were done!

I can count 14 turtles on the log!

It wasn’t a fabulous ride because of that.  I don’t know if it was the combination of the run in the morning combined with the ride or if it was the concrete floors from two hours in various stores. . (I have noticed that my knee doesn’t far well when we are shopping...my knee can be relatively pain free for days...or at least manageable but when we shop it flares up!). I know my legs were tired after my run but my knee didn’t hurt until shopping.  Oh well!   Lots of steps for the day and a bike ride!  Nice and active!!! Go me!!!

Sunday was as equally active!  We headed out for a few hours on our bikes!

And then just because, we went out for a short hike!  We got home and my words were, “I am TOAST!”  I was so tired  I was so achy.  My knees hurt, my muscles hurt, I was so tired!  (OK, and I was sunburnt also, so toasty that way too!)

Boil update

I still have this boil on my butt.  (Or a small cyst, which is more likely, but it is more fun to call it a boil!). I have been pretty good about hot compressing it and it has reduced in size! It was fine this weekend as I went commando, thereby eliminating quite a bit of the rubbing and friction that I normally get from my underwear (the leg of the underwear rubs right where the boil is located).  The bike wasn’t too bad (obviously not since I managed two significant rides this weekend).    So that is being managed and slowly healing.  I just didn’t let it stop me!  I’m just thankful it isn’t a carbuncle....an area with a group of boils...that would be especially bad!!!  (And my word of the weekend...I learned what a carbuncle really was, I had always known the word but never the definition!). And don’t worry, I will spare you pictures of my butt boil!

All in all it was a great weekend. Active, productive and still plenty of time to relax and chill!   It’s Monday now and the knee that has been most recently giving me trouble is throbbing a bit. I will definitely keep an eye on it....but I’m pushing forward to better things.   The pain comes from excess weight and disused am sure.  Time and effort will eradicate it!!!

Mind over Matter

Years ago when I was running consistently, I bought a road of bracelet.  (It is an armband/ankle band that has your identifying information on it should someone find you  unable to communicate while you are out biking or running). Mine had my name and contact info on it...and I also put the phrase  ‘mind over Matter’ on it.  For me it meant that my body would be telling me that I was dying and my body would be telling me that I couldn’t do it....but if I put my mind to the task then I could accomplish unimaginable goals!   It worked for me...and I latched onto that phrase for quite a while.  But eventually my focus shifted and I forgot the phrase...until recently.  Recently I had my eyes opened to how much power the mind really does have when it comes to attaining seemingly hard to reach and even unattainable goals.

 I have the best brother in the whole wide world.   Growing up, sure we fought (like cats and dogs my mom may say) but I have many memories of amazing times with him. You see, I had a brother that played with me.  He played restaurant with me (yeah...I had a kitchen set and since my grandmother owned a restaurant, we used to pretend we owned a restaurant!)...he was willing to play something more ‘girlie’ with me....but then on the flip side, I played army men with him....I had my own collection of matchbox cars that I pulled out to play with when I wanted to join him in his play.   Growing up, he really was my best friend.   We have grown up and while life keeps us busy and running in opposite directions...I know my brother still loves me just as much as I love him....and I know he would raise an army for me if I needed it.  I just wanted to share about my amazing brother before I wrote and share the story about him!

About two or three months ago (on Labor Day to be exact) my brother was out riding his bike.  My brother rides road bikes...a LOT so this is not uncommon.  He was riding with a group of people. They actually got off the road and onto a rail trail for something a bit different.  My brother was second in line.  The person that was leading the group had an accident (from what I was told he hit something and lost his grip on the handlebars and went down).  Going the speed they were going (probably about 20 -25 mph) and being only inches off of the lead persons wheel, my brother couldn’t avoid it...he ended up crashing. It was bad...bad enough that he had to take a ride in an ambulance to the local hospital....and from there he took another ambulance ride to a hospital in Baltimore (70 miles away) for a specialist.  Why the extra ride?  He broke his pelvis and it would require surgery (and a more delicate surgery due to where the break was located).  He was in the hospital for a few days, had the surgery and added some hardware to his body (screws and I think a plate) and then came home.  I am a google person...so I researched his injury, surgery and recovery.  6 months if someone is lucky...but usually closer to a year.  Wow...that was a tough pill to swallow for me, and I worried about my brother.   But, here is where mind over matter comes into play.

As the week in the hospital unfolded we were told that he wouldn’t be able to put any weight on that side of his body for a few weeks....but that soon changed to crutches and minimal weight.  I don’t know if the doctor sensed his drive, but even that soon changed to ‘use the walking assistance as needed’. He was sent home from the hospital with crutches (he declined the walker as that seemed like an old person’s option...and he said a cane seemed too permanent).  

Jason and I stopped by for a visit sometime within the first week of him getting home. We knocked on the door and my jaw dropped ...my brother answered the door...walking on his own two feet...unassisted!  Yeah, he had a limp but where were the crutches?  They were in a corner in the other room.  The doctor said as needed...and he didn’t need them...not at that moment for short walks and jaunts.   Somewhere in those first two weeks I was talking to my mom and she mentioned that one of my brothers first forays into the world after getting home was to drive to the bike shop.  You see, he had pulled the trigger on a new bike a day or two before his accident.  He had to go to the bike shop to check out his new baby.  They has put the build on hold because they knew the extent of his injury....and my brother had to go to get them working again...and to see his buddies!

I saw my brother  again two weeks to the day after the accident and a week and a half after the surgery.  He was walking most of the time unassisted.  And he said this to me.  ‘They tell me that the average recovery time is a year.  A year recovery time is unacceptable’.  Unacceptable?  I wanted to look at him and say ‘sorry big brother but this is NOT something you have control over’. But I didn’t. He started to talk about getting back on a bike...his indoor bike.  And when he went to his first follow up appointment the next day he was cleared for 15 minute rides on the indoor bike...low resistance.  Let me say it again...two weeks and 1 day after the accident (or to make it sound  even more amazing...1 week and 5 days after surgery) my brother was on his indoor bike trainer riding!

My brother picked up his new bike...and he rode it around the block!  And then came the day.....right around the two month mark that I was talking to my mom and brother on the phone (hey I call mom and talk to her during my commute home from work each Tuesday and Thursday...she puts the phone on speaker phone and I talk to whomeever is visiting her also...yes I’m hands free also!!). I heard the news.  My brother had been riding outside...each day that week...about 25 miles .  That’s 25 miles each ride...not an accumulation of miles.  Not his new bike...he was riding his old bike just because he knows how it handles and how it feels...feels more safe to be on a bike that he knows...and as he said he didn’t even have bottle cages on the new bike yet.   But I noticed over thanksgiving while I was feeding his cat...and I was checking out his new bike...cuz that’s what a good sister does (and let me tell you..his new bike is SHARP looking...) but I noticed that he is gearing it up...it now had bottle cages!  Apparently two weeks after starting to ride, the doctor ok’d him to ride anyway...so he isn’t doing anything harmful..just maybe a bit earlier than the doctor may have wanted (of course some of that could be because he doesn’t see the doctor all that often...and I’m sure he probably spoke of it to his physical therapists). 

A year was unacceptable....his mind made that proclamation.  And he had ignored all the ‘year recovery’ babble.  He decided to forge his own recovery. And it is amazing to see. I can well imagine that there are people (even people younger than my brother...he will be 50 in March) who had the same or similar surgery and at two months in are still walking using crutches 100% of the time. I’m not downing them...their minds haven’t declared the prescribed recovery time as unacceptable!  (My brother wanted to be back on his bike badly...and the business he owns is  very physical as he builds the most incredible furniture and he needs to be back to 100% for that also).

Mind over matter!  Put your mind to something and you can achieve the most amazing results.....against all odds!!!

Derailment: knocked off the exercise path

I swear!  Every time I get myself in line something happens to detail me!!!  I did so good last week!  I tracked my food intake.  I woke up early and exercised each morning!  I was hotonthe trail of health!!!  Ok, so I may not have posted a loss on the scales...but I had a maintain and I felt like I was FINALLY back in the right path....and then bammm.....derailed!

By the end of my typical work week I am always exhausted.  So on Friday afternoon when the exhaustion hit I wasn’t too concerned.  I did wonder a bit about the fact that I was crying on my drive home...crying because I was so darn tired!  But I got home and settled in and my tears were gone so I forgot about them.   

On Saturday I took it easy...I just felt ‘off’ but I felt fine.  

But on Sunday it hit! I slept most of the morning....I slept a couple hours in  afternoon.  I felt like I had been drug through the mud.   I’m pretty sure I was running a fever.  I just tried to give my body what it was demanding.

In talking it over, I decided to turn off the early ‘exercise alarm’ for Monday morning.. It just didn’t seem wise to push myself!   So my good habit that I was in the process of building is being put on hold.   There is NOT relief, surprisingly enough.   I’m actually more upset to delay my quest for fitness.

I did stumble around and get my dumbbells ready to add that into my morning workout routine!  

Meanwhile...my baby girl had to go into the bike shop, she wasn’t sick....she was getting an upgrade though.  My one tire was not holding air.  Instead of buying a tube and fixing it, Jason has given me one of my Christmas gifts early...my girl is going tubeless for her tires.  I should get her tonight!!!  I don’t like my pretty girl not being in the bike bedroom!

So a temporary delay in my quest for fitness...but I vow to only let this be temporary....I will not be totally derailed!  And an upgrade of equipment.  I want fitness and I’m still pushing onward, but I have to listen to my body and when your sick...your sick!

Fear

I wrote  about fear the other week when I was getting ready to announce my book being published and available for purchase. I touched on the concept of fear, but I knew that I had to just get out and say what I needed to say about my book and I didn’t go into depth on the fear aspect. Since then I’ve had lots of thoughts on it and I thought it was time to share.

Fear is paralyzing. There is no other way to put it, it will stop you dead in your tracks. No matter what you think it is huge. When you allow your mind to buy into the fear and except it as a valid fear you are just feeding it. By feeding it, the fear grows bigger and bigger in your mind. Honestly, you have to get to the point of saying I’m not going to let this fear rule me and rule my decisions, my beliefs, thoughts and actions. You have to say, “I’m scared senseless but I am going to do it anyway.” You have to say, “damn the fears” and go full steam ahead.

With that said, Those fears that have paralyze me? The ones that I have faced? When I faced them, it turns out that those fears were silly!!!  I conquered them all like a champ and nothing bad happened!!  I was really proud of myself actually.   And...I was also chagrined to remember how huge these fears had become in my mind!  Seriously!!!

This mountain bike thing is one of those instances where fear threatens to overtake me. I’m afraid of hurting myself. I am not naïve enough to think that I’m never going to go down on one of these mountain bike trails… And by go down I mean wreck. Slowly though, I have noticed something. I will be out on a trail and well maybe not handling it like a champ, I am holding my own at least. But then I allow my fear overtake me. And that is the exact minute that the bike ride becomes difficult. That is the exact moment that I began to struggle with the ride!  The fear paralyzes me and convinces me that I can’t do it. No I’m not saying if I was fearless that I could handle every feature on a trail, quite the contrary I know my limitations. However, when the fear takes over in my mind it diminishes the skills that I do have.

Fear is a crazy thing. We all face here at one time or another. The question is this, are we going to push through and conquer or we going to shrivel up and let that fear BD hindrance that makes our life not as full and complete as it could be.

I’ve Got This

Happy Friday!

I am so ready for the weekend!   My weekdays are long (my work day is typically 11 hours if I include the commute in the time). So by this time of the week I’m more than ready for the weekend.  But, being a Friday it is the perfect time for a recap of my week!   So here goes.....a little bit of everything!

Biking

We have ridden every evening but one this week.  The reason for the missed day?  My commute one day was extra long due to hideous traffic so I got home a half hour to 45 minutes later...so it was already well past 6:30 when I got home....that coupled with a headache on Jason’s part just doomed that night!  We go as soon as we get home. And while we drag ourselves out the door to go, we always talk about how good we feel for having done it!   I’ve noticed the inclines getting a bit better....and I think part of that ‘hard’ feeling is in my head!  

Eating

My eating this week has been spotty.   I was so determined to smash the pattern  on the scales.  When I did everything right over the weekend and my weight STILL spiked up, I got disgusted.    We all know what happens when disgust takes over right?   No?  Well for me, I give up and eat what I want to eat!    Now, I didn’t totally give up!!!  So that’s a plus!  I still tracked.  I didn’t blow my calories by a ton....in fact I was still within my ‘large’ range of  allowed calories.  (The large range is is 1200 to 1600 calories a day....but I prefer to keep it down near 1200).   Where I slipped up?  I added in more carbs...my favorite!!!  Carbs are not a friend of weight loss efforts for me!   Hey I tracked, that’s something, right???

Weight

So my weight was up three pounds most of the week.  I wasn’t too upset about the three pounds...it’s within my 3 pound range that I am ok with ...in terms of weight  fluctuation. Not happy with it because I want it to be low...but I’m accepting of it!!   The one day though I popped up to 5 pounds higher.  It scared me...and it was definitely NOT ok.   And that scared me into cutting the carbs and getting things back in line!   And happily the weight dropped...it’s still three pounds higher...but at least I’m back into that three pound range!!

My Plan

I’m still happy with my plan and my efforts.   I know that in the long run that this is the best route to long term success.   I know that I could  heavily restrict and give up all forms of cake, pizza, ice cream or whatever and have incredible success.  I could eat salads every day. I did it before...it works, I lost a LOT of weight.   But it also fails.  Just look at me and you can see it failed...I’m overweight...obese really!!!   It failed because it didn’t teach me how to manage everyday living....long term.   There is nothing wrong with salads every day...if you love them every day!!!   I love a good salad...but not every day.   Some days I love a good cheesy slice of pizza.   For me the restriction just   took away things I love.  The love of those things never went away.  I didn’t eat cake...but I still loved it!   So this time, I’m slowly figuring out how to have the things I love (in moderation) yet still lose weight and be healthy!!!!   I’ve got this...even during weeks when I feel helpless and lost like this past week!!!

Magical

Memorial Day weekend is almost in the books....I’m just sitting here writing out my weekend post and then it will be fine for bed.  We returned to the ‘magic’.  And returning to the magic made me think about my weight loss journey.  

We had a nice three day weekend and we used it as our first chance to get away since living together.  Let me back up...for the few years that we have dated  before we lived together, we went away for the weekends...a LOT.  Our living situations gave us virtually no time alone together unless we went away.  (Thus lots of hikes and bike rides too!). Yes, it was sometimes more costly, but I scoured the internet for deals and we chased them down...that is how we ended up in Atlantic City, NJ one long weekend in October...a hotel room for $20 a night?  (A hotel that goes for $300-400 a night in season!). Sign me up!  So we travelled a lot...and our weekends were magical!  When we first started talking about living together we made a vow that we would not totally give up the weekends away.  This weekend was our first post- living together weekend away.     We talked about how the adjustment to living together had been smooth and how we are both feeling comfortable and happy with how things have settled....and how we wouldn’t change it for anything and how we would DIE if we had to go back to the old way, but we both talked about the ‘magic’ of those weekends away as our love for each other really grew in leaps and bounds.  Lots of parallels to weight loss for sure!

How so?  I look at the days when I was first losing the weight as ‘magical’. I was losing weight, I was excited,  I was in love with the progress and process.    But then changes in my life happened.  I ‘grew’, my focuses changed, my beliefs and attitude toward weight loss changed (I decided that deprivation is not sustainable for me and that I instead needed to find a balance.). I’m ok with where I’m at...I’m determined to make it happen again...in this method, even if it is slower.  Yet, I look back and sometimes long for those magical days.  And you know what? Just like we travelled a bit this weekend and enjoyed the good old ‘magic’,  I can sometimes revisit those days.  I can have a day...week or however long of ‘deprivation’ but the new ‘me’ is always waiting in the wings, just like us happily coming home to our cozy apartment and friendly cat was there for us, welcoming us with open arms.  

Yes, mertz was on her too perch when we got home...she looks angry here...but she softened after we both took a second to pet her!!!  

We had a nice weekend.  I got a run in on Saturday!  

It was slow but I was out there.  

And we got two bike rides in!!!

I woke up on Sunday so hungry...and I was just hungry all day long!   I struggled to figure it out. Why was I wanting to eat everything in site? No I didn’t eat everything in site...I just wanted to!  But I definitely ate more than my norm!!!  It wasn’t until I finished putting my food into myfitnesspal that I realized what had happened.  

Here is my food for the week.

See how bad Sunday was?

But then when I added in my exercise the lightbulb went off!

I burned way more calories than I ate according to myfitnesspal!  Do I believe it was that big of a deficit? No...but even if it wasn’t a deficit, my intake was too low!!

We had a scare on the way home.  We stopped at a 7-eleven for gas and go get a snack (ok to get ice cream sandwiches for dessert!!).  We were just running into the store for a minute or two so we just planned on watching the bikes, which were not locked up!  We got back into the car and got home.  We started to take the bikes off and immediately I realized something was amiss.  My bike handle bars are are always nestled behind Jason’s. But they were in front...even though I KNOW his bike had gone on first!  The unloading of the bike was just awkward and not right in some other minor ways.   And then I realized that all four clips on the wheel thingies were open and the bars had been adjusted.  The wheel thingy is the bars that the front wheel set in..tightly!  These clips are what adjusts the height of the bars so that different size tires can sit in the roof bike rack. 

Now, I’ve had this roof rack for many years!  I have NEVER had these clips/locks come undone...not ONCE!  And to have all four open and then be adjusted on the one side?  There is NO other answer other than the fact that someone had meddled with our bikes when we were in 7-Eleven!  Probably trying to steal them, but they just didn’t know how to get the bike off the bike rack!

Yes we were freaked out!!! We dodged that bullet and I’m happy to say that the bikes are safe and sound in their bedroom (aka the den).

The only other news is that the dining room got some shelves along the walls for dollhouses and storage.   

The top of the shelf (the empty one) will very soon have the hermit crabs resting on it....we don’t like them in the bike bedroom.

And the road bike on the trainer has moved to the bike bedroom!

Yup...there are the crabs in the bike bedroom!

I have set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier tomorrow morning.  I’m going to attempt to go for a short run before my shower.  I am as prepared as possible...my clothes for my run and for work are laid out as are my running shoes, run buddy and headphones (on the window seat).

Wish me luck...I am afraid I’ll say ‘what the heck, and go back to sleep!”   (The normal alarm is  still set to go off!)

Oops

I had my next blog post planned in my head. You see I realized the other day that my ‘its just’ plan for eating and staying in line could parlay into exercise.  ‘It’s just 10 minutes on the bike trainer’. Just 10.....

And with that I was going to vow to adopt that mentality to exercise this week.  But.....

Jason and I had a nice weekend.  The weather was fantastic!!!  We got out and hiked.  

We went to an overlook.

And we hiked to some columnar jointings. 

We had a great hike!!  And a fabulous time together.

Well....except for the fact that after we hiked down to the site of the last picture. We turned around to go back to the main trail.  It was an uphill rock scramble.  The best we can figure, my toe must have caught under a lip of a rock and I felt myself going down.  Face down...down an incline...onto a jagged bed of rocks.  I saw a tree and three myself at it...but not before landing on my knee.    The knee didn’t look too bad.....immediately bruising though.  And skin broken open.

Of course I fell on a rock that had two jagged points face up.  The pain was intense and instantaneous.  So bad that my stomach immediately started flipping! I’ve not had that stomach clenching pain often ..but I don’t like it!!!  I sat there and cried for a bit..we cleaned my leg and I got up and walked.   Seriously...I wasn’t calling for emergency help....not unless my leg was dangling useless. (We were couple miles up a mountain trail...it would have been a huge production to get me out had I really needed assistance.).  I made it about 5 minutes (if that) up the trail and had to stop again because of the waves of naseua.  Luckily that was the last of that.  

We got back to the main trail and by golly I was up there on top of that mountain to see the overlook and I was going to hike up there and see it!!!  So we hiked the 0.2 miles to the overlook!

My saving grace?  It was my favorite kind of hike...uphill on the front end and downhill at the end!  So I knew that the hike out was downhill...it still hurt but hey...it was better than the exertion of climbing too!

Soooooo...today my knee is pretty tender and scratched.....black and blue ....and still a bit bloody. (It hadn’t scabbed and is still oozing...).    So there will be no ‘it’s just 10’ of any exercise...I’m taking it easy and letting it heal!!  And no I still don’t know why the pain hit so hard on an injury that apparently wasn’t too bad!

So a fun weekend and now some recouperation time!!!

Flimsy and weak

Hi ho, hi ho...it’s odd to work I go!

Yes it’s Monday!  So let’s start with the weekendupdate  first....simply because it will make me smile the most!!!    After the weekend update we will get to the other stuff, aka my deep thoughts (or not so deep as is sometimes the case!)

The weekend

The weekend....ahhh what can I say???   The commute home on Friday evening was hellish...so Jason and I only had a few minutes together on Friday night. Booo!  We usually only get 30 -45 minutes together in the evening...but a bad/long commute cuts into that time.   Boy will we be happy to be living closer to our jobs and together so that we can have more time together during the week!   We grabbed food for dinner and got a smooch or two in and then parted ways happy that I’m the morning we would be together for 2 days and one night!!   We each had a relaxing morning...me with my kitty cat beside me.

And then we hooked up.   We headed north...and the wonderful balmy temperature from Thursday and Friday (50’s one day and upper 60’s the other) was a thing of the past.   We decided that it was a perfect weekend for antiquing and that’s just what we did.  Both Saturday and Sunday.   And we got some relaxing and tv watching while cuddling in to!!     It was a good weekend!  It was hard to say goodnight/goodbye on Sunday night and know that we will only see each other for a few minutes each day...the countdown until Saturday has already begun!

Oh and the last word about the weekend.  My cheat meal/treat was donuts this weekend and they were delicious!  I had it as a dessert after my meal on Saturday evening!  Delicious!  Probably more so than if I had eaten them every night of the week because I appreciated them more!

Oh I lied too...another word about the weekend....I had my first diet soda (any soda) since the end of 2017....it was just icky tasting!!!  I poured most of it down the drain!!!  It was just too sweet and just not good!   Can ones taste buds adjust that fast???

Weighing daily

I wrote last weekend about weighing daily. I talked about how I typically weigh myself  for my official weigh in on Wednesday’s to correspond with my friends official weight watcher weigh in day, but I talked about weighing on Saturday’s instead.   Well on Saturday I came up with the perfect solution for me...right now.   Wednesday’s will remain my official weigh in day.  But I will also be religiously weighing on Saturday’s.  My weight on Saturday is a check in...and a guide to my cheat day.  If I’ve gained on Saturday that by all means the cheat day needs to be cancelled!  Saturday’s weigh in rules the cheat day!

No excuses

So a few years ago I picked up a stair step/lateral trainer at a yard sale for 5 bucks.   

I had grand plans.  They never materialized.   When I took this current job I had grand plans to use it.  That never happened!

So last week I saw something and bought it.   Let me backtrack and say that many times over the years I have thought about buying a bike trainer.  A machine that I can set my bike in and ride inside.  But seriously...those things can get expensive!  So last week while I was Aldi’s (grocery store) and saw a trainer for $60 I was skeptical...but interested.  I decided to go with it!  I could always return it if it didn’t work.  We took it home and set it up.  But my bikes were all on storage and not with me where I lived.  So the trainer sat there unused in the corner.  Yesterday Jason and I went to my storage area and picked up my road bike.  And guess what? The trainer works!!!!

My plan is for 15 minutes a day.  Jason said even aim for 10.  

This is huge...number one.  Jason and I ride a lot in the summer.  If I am putting even any rotations on my legs I will fare much better when the weather changes and we can get back out there.  Secondly....when we ride i use my trek (hybrid/mountain bike) I put my lightspeed (road bike) on the trainer.  This bike has been my nemesis.  Seriously I wrote a blog post about it and titled the blog post the ‘elephant in the room’.   This bike hurts to ride.  It’s just different.  Muscles in my arms and my abs...ouch ouch ouch!!!  So hopefully by taking the 10-15 minutes (hopefully getting longer periods in as time goes by and as time permits) will help ‘harden me’ and maybe I can ride it this summer....after we move and I actually have time!!

So I have no excuse!!!  Well except time.  And well in all honesty that is flimsy and weak as an excuse!!

Convenience 

Convenience isn’t a handy thing when it comes to weight loss.  Not at all.   Why do I say that??  A couple of reasons.

First it’s cold.  It’s so convenient to go through a drive through and not get out of your warm toasty car.  But that convenience isn’t exactly healthy!!!

Secondly. Apple Pay (or the corresponding android pay from your phone app).  I go down to the cafeteria to eat my lunch at work.  It’s pretty easy to not be swayed to grab candy and snacks...I take my lunch and leave the money and credit card at my desk.  That makes it sooo easy to avoid the temptation.   But the cafeteria has happily announced (a while back) that they do apple pay!  Isn’t that awesome????? Seriously...my phone is always with me!!!  This is great right?????  No it’s not awesome!  Not in the slightest!   You see now that it has registered that they do apple pay, I sit down there eating my fruit and veggies and I think about what they have..delicious cookies, scrumptious desserts and even okey gooey candy bars. Before I brushed it off because I would have to go up and get some form of payment.   But now I sit there with my phone...which is a form of payment!  This is BAD!!!

Luckily for me...I am telling myself I’m dumb and don’t know how to use Apple Pay!!!  Yes I know I have a credit card linked and it’s all set up...but I have never technically used Apple Pay at the point of sale....so you see I don’t know how!!  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.   Is it a flimsy deterrent?  Yes...but that’s all I have at the moment!!!

Convenience...it comes at a price!!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

When I started casting around for a title for this post the only thing that seemed to fit was The good, the bad and the ugly.   I am horrible with titles, I know it!  If it wouldn't have made it too long I would have titled it "The good, the bad, the ugly, the summary, the plan".  And that is the order that his blog will be written in....

The Good

It's Monday, what else would the good be other than a fabulous weekend!  I worked on Saturday morning so we got a later start.  Saturday was low key for us...we hit up some stores in the afternoon and then relaxed in the evening.

Sunday we explored a big, old graveyard....on bikes.   We did not ride on the graves, when something caught our eye we would hop off and walk to investigate!!!

 

We stopped at an outdoor flea market and an indoor flea market.  On the way to the next stop an overhanging tree bumped into our bikes which were on the top of the car.   We stopped to check the bikes.  Jason got to check out an VW bus....can you see the lust  in his eyes??  He would buy one in a heartbeat if he found one and had the money!

 

Then it was on to the Hilltop.  The Hilltop Hotel is an old motel that was once probably quite grand.  It sat atop a hill with a fabulous view.....

 

The main building of the hotel has disintegrated into a terrible state of disrepair....I'm not sure it is salvageable at this point.   We are drawn to it....and stop to gawk look whenever we are in the area.   

 

 

Don't let these pictures fool you....the rest is literally crumbling.

I didn't take any pictures of the decay.  Today I couldn't find any pictures on the internet showing the current level of decay. So here is an older picture that gives an idea.

 

The really bad area has extended leftward and the whole side is exposed, you can see straight into rooms and the floors on that open section are now sagging quite a bit.   

From there we headed to the canal where we rode our bikes. We got off once or twice and looked for mushrooms.

 

On the way home we even had time to stop for a geocache!

 

It was another fabulous weekend!  Full of relaxation and yes, even though we were feeling lazy we were still pretty active!!!

The Bad

Yesterday somehow the subject of snoring came up between Jason and I.  I laughed and said 'I'm sure I snore'.  He laughed and agreed and then dropped a bomb on me. He asked if I had ever done a sleep study test.  I just looked at him in shock and said no.   Apparently the first time or two that he heard me he absolutely panicked.  He said that at times it sounds like I am gasping for air and it sounds just like his father did before he started using a sleep machine for sleep apenea!    To say I was blown away is an understatement.  He asked if my ex ever mentioned it.  'Uhhh no, well he did tell me that I snored but never that it sounded scary.....but then is that shocking my ex only cared about himself and wasn't at all concerned about my well being!'     Jason says it is a consistent problem and the worst right after I fall asleep.  He also says he will try to record it so that I can hear what it sounds like.  I know this doesn't mean I have a problem...and I'm not going to panic or say I have any issues. This is just an observation from a non medical person.  However it is someone that cares and someone that wants me to live a long time!  So not panicked but I am going to say that I'm concerned!  

The Ugly

And bear with me...this sounds whiny...but has to be said to get to the point I'm trying to make!!!

A few years ago (10 years or more) I left a job that paid pretty decently and took a much lower paying job.  I had hopes that it would help my failing marriage.  I did it to get away from working second shift and to be closer to home.  It worked for us in that  my paycheck was not our  only income and the insurance was pretty decent. ($150 deductible and then a 90/20 plan).     In the ensuing years things  changed.   The insurance deductible is now $3000.  And  while I always had good reviews and was given more responsibilities the pay never increased.  "No raises this year" , "there is a hiring freeze so even though we are moving you up to a higher level position you won't get the pay increase" and then "someone left and we aren't filling the position so we are divvying up the work....so we are adding this responsibility to you".  So my pay stayed low....abysmally low!   When my marriage ended I had to move in with my parents because, well it's not exactly easy/possible to survive on a job that is only a tick above minimum wage.   Yes, I look for work and apply.  Yes I have a college degree.  No, teaching is a closed door for me.  This isn't the post for why...but I have written about it on this blog.....  

So all of that to say that I work a full time job where extra money is something that is scraped from the leftover pennies.   The two major car repair bills in December and January crippled me financially.  Buying a pair of tennis shoes is a hardship....buying bras is a hardship (seriously good bras are so expensive...why??? I lucked out and found three on a sale rack a few months ago....not exactly what I wanted but they were my size and with a good percentage  off and at $10 a piece I took them!!  But I so desperately needed bras that those three bras get a lot of use and I need more!).  

To say that finances stress me out is an understatement.   I wake up in a panic thinking about my car that has over 200k miles on it. I worry a LOT about it!

So with money being tight....it's no shock to realize that the health insurance with that super high deductible is a health insurance that I can't afford to use.  

I am however grateful to have a job....even though I am dissatisfied with the pay, the insurance and a multitude of other things pertaining to this job.

And that is the ugly.....because even if I wanted to have this snoring/gasping for air thing checked.  I can't afford it!!!

The Summary

I may or may not have a problem.  I'm not going to worry myself sick over that also.   I can't.  It would only be counter productive.

I started to think about blogs I've followed, stories I've read and situations I've heard of.  Weight can very well affect sleep in a negative way.  

Heck maybe it is the spring pollen and Jason was just tired when he said it happens consistently!

A visit to the doctor is not going to happen at the moment!

Weight loss seems to be my option for attacking this possible issue. 

Wow, did I just get a huge motivator thrown into my lap???  Wasn't I just saying the other week that I was searching for something to continually motivate me?   I was looking for an event like a concert or a trip....

The Plan

The plan is this and its simple.   Lose weight!!!

I know how to do it.   Calories ingested versus calories spent.  Simple in theory.

Now I just need to do it!!!!!

Weigh in day

We thoroughly enjoyed our last day at the ocean.  I went back on my last post and added in a sunrise picture...but we enjoyed the sunrise and the sound of the waves crashing below our balcony and we slowly and lazily got moving to start our last day.

 

It was a joy so good food day.  We had Thrasher's fries and I picked up a ham and cheese sandwich.   We walked on the boardwalk and pier and we indulged in some deep fried Twinkies.  And of course rough home Fishers Popcorn.

We left there and headed to Assateague Island.  We grabbed the bikes off the car and pedaled over to the Rackcliffe Plantation.  It was closed so we couldn't go in...but we peered in the windows. 

 

  After that it was up and over the bridge and onto the island.   We explored the closed state park and campground first.   When we got to the far back section of the campground we pushed our bikes over the dunes and down to the beach. 

I couldn't resist a picture of our bikes at the ocean.

 

Then we decided to ride out bikes down the beach to the next crossover location on the dunes.  I knew that would put us into the national park portion of Assateague.  

 

It was crazy fun to ride on the edge of the surf....and a crazy good workout!!! 

 

After a mile or two we headed back over the dunes and into the national park (no fear...walkers and riders are free anyway so we weren't cheating the government by going in the 'backdoor' without paying).  We rode around and checked out several places in that park and then headed back to the car. And saw lots of wild horses.  We got back to the car at around 4....and after loading the bikes on the car we headed for home.

All in all with my weekend miles of walking and riding I managed to get all but 4.15 of my march miles completed!!!  4.15 shouldn't be any problem considering I still had 4 days left in march when I got back from the ocean!!

Tuesday morning I pushed myself to go for my run.  I was sore from the 'mad miles we put in over the weekend'. It was a sloooow and achy 2 miles but I'm satisfied that I did them. 

So I've been running with google music lately.  I have up until the last month always had a playlist on my phone and used that.  Google music is working for me.  I sometimes hit a song or a list that I don't particularly like but it's been good.   I hear new stuff and stuff I haven't heard for years while I'm running.   I just have to stop hitting the music icon to pull up my playlists when I start running (I currently have no playlists on my phone!).    

So the big question...how did this all affect my weight.  Yesterday I popped onto the scales and I was tickled to see that I was at 236.8.   That was where I was two weeks ago so I was happy. This morning I stepped onto the scales and I was back at that boomerang weight of 238.4.   In fairness it could be the deep fried Twinkie catching up....or the salty popcorn that I ate last night!!!!  

Good times

Well, calorically wise, I didn't have a stellar day.  HOWEVER, I have tracked my food.   I've been falling down on the days when Todd and I are both off of work.  We had off on Wednesday and Thursday (today).  I'm proud to say that I made it through Wednesday with flying colors.  Yesterday we stayed local and did some errands and worked around the house.  Today we took a day off to go away and just get away from it all.  We've had lots of days off recently but we've worked around the house (mainly the yard) for EVERY day off together since the end of August.  So today was a special/good day.

What did we do???   We got in the car and drove.  We headed south.  We hit some antique stores and just rambled around all day.  We had a nice lunch at an old Mill in Front Royal, VA.  I had a tex mex chicken sandwich (Nice and hot and spicy) and applesauce.  We did go into a coffee shop midway through the day and I drank an Italian Soda and had a cinnamon roll.  I put my food into my tracker and I had a plan for my evening meal.  I knew we would be going through Charlestown, WV on the way home and I thought a Salad from the Mountain View Diner sounded delicious!  We pulled into their lot at about 5:45 and saw the sign .....closed for renovations.  Uhhh really???   So we went to plan two....the Blue Moon Cafe in Shepherdstown.   We got there and it was packed.  No parking anywhere.  Something must have been happening at the college because there wasn't parking anywhere!  So the last and final option .....chinese.   Oh well....

So i was talking to Todd at lunch today about this running thing and my desire to pick up an exercise bike..something that I could really workout on.  He is ok with the switch but mentioned getting a trainer for my bike.  Hmmmmmm  That idea may have merit.  On the way home, we stopped into a Dicks Sporting Goods store just to get an idea of what they have...to start my shopping and information getting mission.  They had one set up with a bike and the sales guy invited me to 'ride' a bit.  It was solid as a rock.  It was a bit 'loud' but he said it was mainly because they had it set up with a mountain bike (smooth tires would be more quiet).     The one in the picture (the one at Dick's) is $100.  Hmmm

I would be using one of my bikes on this when indoors......food for thought and I will be talking to my brother very very soon about this option.

The affect of our words

July.....wow, what a month. (and yes I am fully cognizant of the fact that it's not over yet).  At the very beginning of July I was officially diagnosed with Plantars Fasciitis and of  a little lessor of  concern Tarsal Tunnel.  I was told to limit my activities that were high impact.  That was followed up with a bout with the flu/food poisoning (the jury is out about which I had...all I know is that I was absolutely miserable!), on the heels of  that was dealt a huge emotional blow that has left me reeling.  (feel free to imagine and conjure up a story...tame or off the hook spicy...it's all good....imagination is a good thing  ha ha ha).  It's wreaked havoc on my exercise. Seriously, an injury/ache that limited my exercise, the flu that wiped me out and emotions that made me feel like I wasn't worthy of the time needed to invest in this process and new lifestyle.  What a bad combination.  July honestly would have been a TOTAL bust for me weight loss wise (that's assuming I don't gain for this last weigh in that will occur early next week) if it weren't for the fact that I had the flu and I puked some weight off of my body.

Exercise was wonky and lets face it...I'm a food addict.   Did I mention that there have been a lot of emotions involved in the last month?   Well there was.  I barely controlled my eating..there were a few stellar days of eating.  There were a few crazy days of eating.  There were a lot of borderline days of eating.


I went out riding today.  I procrastinated for quite some time this morning.  I was reading blogs and playing around on my computer.  Finally I pushed my computer aside and said, "no more until you go riding."   So I pushed myself out.  Oh yeah, my mind was screaming all sorts of excuses at me...but I ignored them!   I not only went for a ride....I pushed myself for an extra few hellish hilly miles.  OK ok ok, I have to admit it.  My rule is to only unclip and put my feet down if I have to at crossroads/stop signs.  Other than my little problem on the ride with my brother I have been able to hold onto that 'rule' .  Until today.  Yeah, I was on my 'new section' that was hilly.  VERY hilly.  I could see the tail end...the last stop sign before I got back to more familiar territory .  I was struggling up the last hill...out of the saddle...in the saddle..it didn't make a difference....my legs were SHOT at that point.  I went slower and slower, struggling.  I went so slow that I started to go over.   Go over as in FALL DOWN.   Yes, I was of course clipped in.  I saw my life flash before my eyes as I tilted over.  For a split second I thought that I was going to have a date with the pavement.  Somehow instinct took over and I kicked my heel outward, popping me out of the clip and at one of the last possible minutes put my foot on the ground and caught myself.   I rested a few minutes and I'm embarrassed to say that I walked the last 10 feet up the feel (yeah, I was THAT close and I have NEVER walked up a hill...so I ruined THAT perfect record)  Regardless, my ride was done and I DID get back on the bike and went the last 5 miles to get myself home.  :-)

Today as I was slogging up the biggest hill I encountered a motorcycle with two riders came up behind me.  I vaguely knew they were there (hello, you can hear them coming).  They were out cruising and enjoying the historic views surrounding my town.  They slowed down beside me and the woman on the back looked at me and yelled. "This is one hell of a hill, you are doing GREAT!"  They both gave me thumbs up and went on their way.   I had been riding out of my saddle...which is the most difficult thing for me right now, I don't do it too much and it....well I haven't mastered it...it HURTS and my breathing gets out of whack.  SO I was out of my saddle struggling up this hill and their words helped me get to the top.  I don't know who they are...but they meant so much to me today (too bad they weren't there a mile or so later when I was struggling up the hill that undid me...haa haa haa)    Seriously, those words from a stranger meant sooo much to me.

Early this year when I was spending hours out on the battlefield pushing through the C25K training I frequently say a man.  He drove a white truck with West Virginia tags and has a very short fat poodle (seriously, this dog is as wide as she is tall).  I was doing intervals so I was walking a lot of the time and got a chance to stop and pet the dog.  This man NEVER failed to talk to me.   Then I hit the  big wall that you hit during that C25K training..that first 20 minute straight run was a rough one.  I was doing it and pushing through the last few minutes, determined to finish it no matter what.  This man walked by me and said "I've been watching you the last weeks.  You are doing it and it makes me proud and happy to watch your transformation".  I said thanks and didn't even stop to pet the pup because I HAD to finish that straight run to prove it to myself.   I saw him numerous times after that.  We always said hi and I always gave his doggy some attention.   I need to thank him for his words.......they meant so much.  (Unfortunately, after I made the decision to thank him...I've not run into him!)

So compliment people.......encourage people........it has a PROFOUND affect!

PS  I WILL conquer that hill very SOON!!

Quasi Nap Time

My mind has been uninspired of late in terms of my weight loss.  Some weeks I just have thoughts that pour forth and other weeks it’s like an arid desert….nothing there.  Ironically enough, this lack of deep thoughts (hey, they may be deep for me) usually coincides with a downward spiral in my weight loss efforts.  I know for this past week this holds true.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I was not off the charts bad with my eating.  But I have to admit that there were two days that I ate quite a few calories. (Stop worrying, quite a few is about 1800 calories….so that is still nothing outrageous…and honestly is more of a ‘maintain’ level of caloric intake.).   However, I know that while my body can handle a few days of that type of eating without showing any negative effects I know that my mind gets twisted around and messed up when I eat like that.  You see, it is so easy to start the downward spiral and all it takes is a day or two of being off track and all the old habits start to resurface.

 

I’ve been lucky in that this past week I’ve maintained my weight.  I’m ok with that…ecstatic actually.  But I know that I need to tighten back up if I want to lose again. 

 

I have been trying to ride.  I rode with my brother on the Fourth of July.  I was quite apprehensive about the ride.  Seriously? Looking at it now, I wonder why.  It’s not like my brother hasn’t always done what he can to take care of me. (Yeah, I’ve got a good….no the best, brother, and I’m not saying it because he reads this blog, I’m saying it because it’s true!)  I intrinsically knew that my brother would not have pushed me further than I could handle or leave me in the dust or laugh at my efforts.  He’s not that type of brother (well, he does laugh when I do something stupid…..but that’s his brotherly right).  So why was I afraid?   Dang, now I’m back to these irrational fears that I have.   What better way than to own up to those fears and lay it to rest.  So out riding with my brother I went.  I was nervous about the hills, I won’t lie.  I also won’t sugar coat it.  After one hill, about 5 miles in I needed a drink.  I stopped.  The world started spinning so I got off the bike and laid down beside the road for a few minutes.  I got back up and rode after a few minutes.  I THINK I was just hot because I’m not used to biking in the afternoons…in heat.  I usually ride in the early morning when it’s relatively cool.  It also could have been that I psyched myself out with this irrational fear.  Either way, I rested for a few minutes and then got up.    I usually don’t stop and put my feet on the ground for anything (other than stop signs) so I was disappointed with myself for that.  I completed it.  At one point he gave me the bail out option (very shortly after my little quasi nap on the side of the road) and my words to him were “I’m not a quitter”.   For so long I quit when it got hard.  If it hurt, I quit.  If it posed a difficult challenge, I quit.  I’m tired of being that girl. I’m tired of being that girl.  So we went onward, I just took extra precautions to drink a lot.  I’m not going to lie.  By the end of the 14.37 mile ride (with 223 feet of climbing according to mapmyride.com) I was tired and just ‘off’ from the earlier bout with the heat exhaustion. (the quasi nap helped me continue on but didn’t take all the effects away).   After some nice refreshing diet coke (ok, that’s what I laid on the side of the road longing for) and some cool air at my parent’s house, I bounced back and felt great.    Once again, the stupid fears turned out to be totally irrational.

 

And just to prove that I could beat the heat….on Friday after work I went out for another ride!

 

This weekend will prove to be a rough one for me.  The weekend plans hold quite a bit of unavoidable walking.  Normally I’d be jumping for joy because that gives me more activity.  However, with my foot I’m a bit nervous. Oh well, can’t help it.  So onward I go!

Disaster

  I got a SUPER late start on my bike this morning. I originally wanted to start out between 6 and 6:30.  But I just didn't have it in me to move.  I KNEW that I was still going to go....it was never in debate to not go, I just struggled to get moving in that direction.  6 passed, then 6:30......  So 7 became my new projected start time.   A few minutes before 7,  I  got dressed and went into the kitchen to grab a string cheese and to fill up my water bottles.  My husband asked "would you make me some shrimp salad for my lunch"  I have a problem with saying no so I made him shrimp salad...and packed his lunch.  I did get our dishes done and my lunch packed also!  :-)   So I didn't get out onto my bike until 7:45 Yeah.....a tad bit late, but I don't work until 10....so as long as I was home by 9:15 I could swing it. (who really needs to dry their hair before work....brush, twist and clip it up wet is my hair style). 

So I was trucking along and about  mile 6 I went down a hill and around a corner.  I had to keep it tight to the berm because a truck was coming up behind me.  There was some gravel loose on the edge of the road.  NO, I didn't go down (thank goodness)...but I flatted out.  SOOOOO I got off and called my husband and walked toward the direction in which he was coming from. (we figured out that my bike fits perfectly in the back of the civic hatchback, that's a good thing to know!)   OH well.....at least I got 6 miles in.  :-)  I felt GOOD too! 

The good thing about getting home from my bike ride earlier than projected?   I have a load of laundry in the wash, the floors have been vacuumed, the bed made...I'm rolling!  Ohh and the bike tire will be changed tonight or tomorrow and I'll be back out on Saturday for my planned ride!  (yes, I have a spare tube and know how to change it,.....and I sure hope my words don't come back to bite me and I have to wait for my brother to get back from Indiana to help me....but I've changed tires on my Trek and Todd's trek quite a few times).

My weight.  I know it's my food.  I am eating lower calories but I've allowed food that shouldn't be in my diet to not only creep in but to take up residence.   So I'm cleaning house...kicking those things out......back to the basics. 

bicycling thoughts

When I run and ride I find that my mind swirls.  I have some deep thoughts.  I sometimes 'write' my  next blog post (when I have a moment of inspiration) in my head.  It's my me time.   So today I'm going to take you along on my ride and you can 'hear' my thoughts.

I step out of the house with my bike and it begins.

Dang, it's hot out here, I thought it would be cooler since it's 6:30 AM, darn humidity.............This isn't too bad, I'm feeling it today, of course it's downhill at this point...........Drat but I do hate riding on this road.................last monday I forgot my water, glad I have it today............Stupid road, crevices galore.  That would really blow to get my tire stuck in a crevice................Oh look, there's Terri driving by..........ahhh that was fun to see a friend and to be able to wave a good morning message.............Oh I don't think she recognized me in my bike gear though.........seriously, another hill.....................the stop signs coming up....don't forget the clips on your shoes..........Clip.....clip....clip....ahhh stop signs are over for a while..........WHAT????........Seriously, I thought motorcycles were more cognizant and aware and KIND..........I am on a huge shoulder, a good 5 feet beyond the white line and that motorcycle didn't have to come across the white line and buzz me!..........wonder what road I should take today.........stupid motorcycle........wiggle toes, wiggle toes, wiggle toes................Move out of the way squirrel........oh no, I'm going to hit the squirrel..........what's up with motorcycles and squirrels today.........another hill, how did I get so lucky............relax my shoulders and loosen the arms........ahhhh poor pretty dead fox, now I want to cry..........wiggle wiggle wiggle the toes...........uhhh that was stupid, why did I not pedal out of that hill, now i'm at the bottom of a hill with literally no momentum.........stand up and ride sissy........ahhhh made it to the top and I didn't have to unclip, that was close.............one last hill and I'll be there..........unclip dummy.....ahhhh two feet on the ground, legs are a little jelly-like but how exhilerating!!!!..........

Yeah, there were no grand, deep epiphanies today.  But that's OK, we can't have that happen every day!

Monday = weigh day!    218.3  I'm good with that. It's not a HUGE drop, but it's a drop.  I'll take it!

Scaredy cat

I ended my last blog post with a line.  It was a simple line.  "I think there has been an athlete lurking under all my fat and she just may be trying to emerge."   I wrote that line, then deleted it.  I wrote it again and deleted it again.  Back and forth I went.     Seriously?  I wrote about my emotional stress that led to me not working out and to a small binge in that post.  I didn't care, I had no problem writing about it.  I wrote about my frustration with the rate of my weight loss and my conclusions as to why that could be....totally my fault.   I had no second thoughts about sharing that.  But I worried and stressed over sending the little stinkin' line that said that The athlete that had been lurking under the fat was being set free.  Why?

Why indeed?  Why would something as benign as that worry me.  Before I could second guess myself, I put it into the post and hit send.  After I had sent my post live I started to REALLY think about why it bothered me.

I've never been an athlete.  Well unless you consider a little girl in the early 80's who rode her bike up and down the road and pretended she was either Ponch or John from the tv show the Chips. (no, I can't remember if I was Ponch or John....isn't that sad?).   It was a passing fad.  My brother can verify that fact, he saw first hand how unathletic I was on many occasions.  At some point (midway through my high school years) he decided that his sister would be a great riding partner.  I was game (he probably bribed me to go!) and went along.  We went up and down roads.  It seemed to go on forever.  I was so tired.  It was an endless ride.    It was hot (seriously, we lived in Florida).   And did I mention that this ride was never ending?   I contend that I was just resting my forearms on my handlebars for a rest and lost my balance.  My brother says that I was simply going so slow up a slight grade that I couldn't stay balanced.  Believe who you want.....(ME ME ME). it was not a shining moment   OK OK OK, I will admit that I was going very slow and that I was NOT enjoying this hellishly long ride that he took me on.  (shhhh looking back we were probably not even 2 or 3 miles into the ride...but I'm not going to admit that!).     But anyway, my walk down memory lane just proves that athleticism and the name MaryFran didn't go hand in hand. As a side note, it took me about 10-15 years to get back on a bike (well, I did get back on that day, I rode like the wind to get home and clean the pebbles out of my knee!..but when I got off that bike I never once got back on it!) 

So I've never been an athlete.  So was that my issue with that sentence?  I'm not an athlete.  I'm a girl who is learning to like some forms of exercise.  Or maybe I should say I'm a girl that is learning to enjoy the challenge of pushing her body into zones and areas it has never been to.   But still, saying that out loud doesn't bother me...so why the indecision?

And then it hit.  It's fear.  (damn fear!)   Fear.  Oh yes, my frenemy and a frequent topic to this blog.  You see, if I put it down and admit that the athlete is emerging, then how will I feel in a year if I've turned back into a fat couch potato?    If I admit it then I will be the laughing stock if I fail.  I don't want to be a laughing stock.  I HOPE that this is a new lifestyle for me that lasts for the rest of my life, but seriously....what if it's not.  I'm 40 years old.  I have 40 years of bad habits pulling at me.  (well, except for my brief stint as Ponch or John!). I could and probably will slip in the future. I'm afraid of failing at this new lifestyle.   Fear of failure is a huge things with me.  But then I have to tell myself..... There is nothing to be afraid of.  All I can do is be true to myself and I will be fine!

  Fear is a debilitating thing.  Intrinsically I knew that I had to leave that 'scary' line in my blog post because I'm facing one fear at a time and knocking the fear out of the ballpark!

This newly minted athletic girl has stared this fear in the face and has decided that she will enjoy every day of this lifestyle that she is building.  If I slip...I will face it with my head held high knowing that even if I fail in the future that I have asked my body to do amazing things and my body responded favorably and I did things that I NEVER thought I could.   Fear is not allowed.....PRIDE is welcome!