Tub of Lard

Warning!!!  Embarrassing post alert!!

I sat at my desk yesterday while at work and beat myself up. There was some real self hatred going on. To sum it up, I’m not happy with my weight at all. Yet I can’t seem to get control of this addiction.

I had the revelations on Sunday   Yes the ones I spoke about in my last post. The revelations were about how far my fitness level has dropped. And while that did play a factor into my thinking yesterday, that still wasn’t the reason I was filled with self-hatred. OK at least not the main reason.

On Tuesday I noticed that my pants waist band/button had rubbed my overhanging stomach again. I’ve talked about this in the past.  It’s  embarrassing. Very embarrassing. I had a Band-Aid covering it yesterday but it was still very sensitive. I felt poured into my clothes.

You know, I have this weird weird sense inside me that if I just suck in my gut that  I won’t look fat. But yesterday nothing I did, no matter how tight I sucked in my gut made me feel presentable to the world. Now before we go on, I know that I’m overweight and I know that just sucking my gut in like that and doesn’t hide my true weight. But it makes me feel better.  But not yesterday.  I feel as if I have crossed the line, some invisible line where I feel yuh of lard...even when my gut is sucked!

Oh and as I mentioned earlier, I’m struggling to gain any control over myself. I feel so out of control.

And so it’s been a week of revelations and epiphanies. And they haven’t been good ones. 

So what have I done? This week I have started tracking my food. I haven’t eliminated the cookies, but I have drastically limited them (one cookie a day).  And my calories aren’t perfect but I am trying. I am also weighing myself every day… Or at least trying to remember to. I know that when I was losing those were two habits that I kept.

We are eating more vegetables and  fruits, and I still am planning on re-commencing with running. We have also talked about taking walks in the evening together. Honestly my biggest deterrent from running in the evening is that it takes time away from my time with Jason.  Yeah I’m sappy.

So rough week of a lot of revelations that I did not like. I’m not promising that this week is going to be different or next week is going to be different. I have an addiction. And while I know that ultimately I am in control, I know that a lot of times this food addiction controls me.  My goals for this week track and weigh.   Baby steps and I will gain control!

Top O’ The World

I was going to start running when we moved… Really I was! But let me backtrack and talk about the move and how  my back was aching so bad, and Jason’s knee with kicking  something fierce. We had some choices to make, so we kind of just grabbed the necessary things. My brother and his family helped and they got everything of mine with the exception of maybe five or six boxes and bins. So I woke up on Saturday morning thinking this is the day I’m going to go run. Until I remembered that my running clothes and gear was in one of the boxes that was still at my mothers house. Oops!  I have that stuff in my possession now so there should be no excuses for this week.

Food wise I am doing OK actually, for the most part. Jason and I are making a conscious effort to beef up the amounts of vegetables and fruit we have in the house. And we are eating them and loving them. We are eating at home and doing pretty good with that.  Of course that first sentence of this paragraph included the words for the most part… So there is a negative.  For Christmas I gave Jason a VW bus cookie cutter and a VW bug cookie cutter.  It came with a ‘lifetime supply of cookies. Now that we are together it was time for me to start keeping my part of that lifetime supply!  I made cookies this weekend… They are delicious and I ate too many yesterday. 

They are not pretty...the cake decorating icing bag  I was using popped a seam and well...I stopped caring about ‘pretty’ after that happened.

My weight seems to be hovering in a 2-3 pound range.  . It was low on Saturday morning and high this morning.  And the same all last week..up, down, up, down.   No surprise… Considering I just talked about the cookies.

We finally got out on our  bikes! Yup, we went out this weekend!  First time this year. I was sore… Really sore. But we have to start somewhere it’ll only get better the more I do it.

Which brings me to what has been on my mind a lot lately. Fitness levels. How quickly they go away… Well it seems quick to me. So I’m going to take a little walk through history…because it shows how it happened.

Fall of 2014. I weighed 220 pounds, and I was  dropping.  (I actually think I saw 215 at one point, maybe lower). I was going to Zumba three nights a week and sometimes doing back to back classes. I was running 3 to 4 times a week, most of those runs were  between three and 6 miles. I felt fabulous. Physically and emotionally because I was beating this food addiction and curse.

In 2015… I divorced and moved in with my parents. Eating healthy was no longer an easy option, and as my mother bakes for two markets there was always delicious baked goods at my disposal. I gained 20 pounds. I continued my heavy load of Zumba and running. The extra weight slowed down my running pace but I was still really active and in pretty good shape. 

2016, and Zumba ended. I was sad on many levels… Zumba have been a social outlet, and emotional crutch through my divorce, and a huge portion of my fitness activity. Jason and I hiked a lot that year! Like a lot of miles! Our schedules also allowed us to go for long walks every evening, or at least most evenings. It was nothing that summer for us to walk five or 6 miles in the evening (and I usually ran 2-4 times a week in the morning).  Every evening. Yes hiking hurt a little bit sometimes… Like up some mad Mountain or vicious trail, but it was good. That fall Jason and I added breaking into our repertoire of activity. Our first ride was sore but not buffalo … We were still pretty active and that fitness level showed when we picked up biking. 

2017… And here is where it all started to go to pot. It took about a year for me to see physical signs that my fitness levels from Zumba we’re starting to fade. Little things flexibility, strength, balance, Etc. We were still active on the weekends and evenings. At least the first couple months of the year. And then we made some changes in our work, which changed our schedules. We stopped walking at night… Or if we did we were lucky to get in 1 mile. I couldn’t fit runs it to my daily routine I was already waking up at 5 AM and not getting home until 8 PM, and I was constantly exhausted (3 to 4 hours in a car a day is way. Too much). We still did active things on the weekend, and I did walk on my lunch breaks, but it just wasn’t enough.

So now it’s 2018 and here I am sitting in the worst physical shape I have been in in probably 10 years.   And I don’t like it!!!!   I don’t look forward to the aches and pains of rebuilding my fitness level...nor do I look forward to the dread of starting each day knowing how ‘bad’ it may feel.  But, I do look forward to that ‘Top O’ the World’ feeling I get from being active and conquering this food addiction. 

I’ve got this!!!!!!

Exhaustion

I am so tired! Physically and mentally. The move was pretty rough. We went into the move with a really bad knee and a bad back. There was one morning where I woke up and I couldn’t stand straight up because my back was hurting that bad. A heap of praying and a handful of Advil seemed to do the trick. Jason‘s knee settled down once we were able to stop  climbing up and down the steps carrying heavy items. We are probably 98% moved. There are probably three or four boxes still at my moms house. There are also one or two or maybe three large bulky and heavy pieces of furniture. We knew the way we were feeling that carting  a recliner up to The third floor was not a good choice. Likewise with the bulky corner cupboard. Nothing that is necessary for survival for a couple weeks. My brother and sister-in-law and their kids saved the day on Sunday when they helped us with a huge load of stuff after Easter lunch.

On Monday we kicked butt on Sunday evening and all day Monday with the unpacking. By Monday night we were mostly done. On Monday we got Internet and cable and on Tuesday our new couch was delivered. Tuesday was a day of rest. We did one or two errands made a meal or two and simply because baking is synonymous with Home for me, I baked a strawberry cake. (Which might I add I found a delicious recipe!)

The day of rest is over and it is back to work today. And I’m still tired and achy.

One would think that all of this activity would show me down on the scales. Wouldn’t that be nice?  Not so,

I am up about 2 pounds. I know my water consumption has been horrible, I know my scales are finicky when you move them a little bit....so moving the scales could make a difference of a few pounds, and I know my muscles are sore and probably filled with water from the heavy workouts of moving. So I am not going to stress it. 

Running? Not yet I’m too tired to achy. But it is coming.

Mertz my cat is a totally different cat at the new place. She seems to have more confidence. Before she would hide almost all the time. Thw last few days she’s been out almost constantly with us. Last night she even spent quite a bit of time laying on the couch with us. For Mertz this is huge. It’s been fun to watch her transformation

We have been eating at home and adding more veggies into our diet.   

Gearing up!

Well, I just realized that I did not post anything last week. So let’s just get last weeks  weight out-of-the-way.  I maintained. I’m actually OK with a maintain  for last week. About two or three weeks ago I had decided that I was going to try to make wise choices with my eating but not worry about my weight until we move.  There are so many factors into that. Lack of prep time for food, limited kitchen use, stress of moving and packing, stress of mother crying about the aforementioned  move and just the normal issues I have had in the last couple years where I’m living.

So this past weekend I was packing, and I almost packed my scales. Seriously, I had made the decision to not worry about my weight… So why even weigh in. I couldn’t do it though! The scales stayed out because I have a weekly weigh in every Wednesday morning!   Well it’s Wednesday morning and I stepped on the scales.   I was pleasantly surprised.  I was down about two pounds. I’ll take it!  And for the record, the scale is now packed.

Including today (Wednesday), two days of work and two more sleeps before we move. I am absolutely giddy with excitement! I am concerned about my lower back, it has been tender for the last couple weeks. Luckily most of our furniture is light weight and we have a dolly.  We  also opted to pay for delivery for some new furniture… Namely a heavy couch.  But yeah...lots of lifting and carrying.   Oh and did I mention it’s a third floor apartment?  No elevator????   Yeah we wanted top floor...that was our first choice!   As for steps....good for us!!

We are both excited about beginning this new stage and phase of life and our enhancing our relationship and we are ready to do it with healthy habits. We have eaten so poorly of late that we are both excited about the fruits and vegetables and healthier choices that we will be more easily able to make. No promises when I begin, it will depend upon my back and how I handle the move.....But I’m also really looking forward to getting back into running. 

I’m gearing up for great things! In so many areas of my life love, wait, running. Life is full of promise and hope!!

Weigh in

So my weekly weigh in....246.    Still down from my high weight from the first of the year...but up from previous weeks.   But I know I did it to myself so I can’t say anything.

I’m keeping my food in check thus far this week.   And I’m tracking....so I know for SURE that I’m on target.  

That’s all.  For weight at least.

Back pain....yes my back has been so tender as of late. Is it my mattress (it was cheap when I bought it..and getting old)?  My excess weight?   My posture?   My lack of exercise?   I don’t know but I’m concerned...we are moving in 16 days...   so I am trying to stretch it...exercise it.  And I am working on my posture!  At work mostly.   I slouch in my desk chair...bad!  So the first thing I did was lock my work chair in the upright position.    Wow...that is rough ...so different!    The next thing I noticed?  When sitting straight I typically like to tuck my leg under me...sitting on one leg or the other.   This one is hard to break too!     But I’m trying! (I feel as if I’m falling out of the chair when my leg is not tucked!!).  The third thing I noticed...I usually lean to the left.  Even sitting up straight I lost leftward.   Changes...hard to fix but I’m working!

Moving....I am sooooo excited!   I have to curb my excitement because anytime I mention it near mom she bursts into tears.  I fairness, know that it’s probably worse because of dad dying...but she was lamenting me moving out months before Jason and I even made any plans.  She would make comments like ‘I just know you and Jason are going to want to live together someday and leave dad and I and I don’t want you to move.” And she would cry...months before dad got really ill.    So I’m constantly trying to curb my excitement!   Last. Igor I slipped and said ‘17 more sleeps’ and she just sobbed.   Sigh...........it’s hard being so excited but being made to feel bad about it.

16 more sleeps!!!!!!!

Weigh in

So my weekly weigh in....246.    Still down from my high weight from the first of the year...but up from previous weeks.   But I know I did it to myself so I can’t say anything.

I’m keeping my food in check thus far this week.   And I’m tracking....so I know for SURE that I’m on target.  

That’s all.  For weight at least.

Back pain....yes my back has been so tender as of late. Is it my mattress (it was cheap when I bought it..and getting old)?  My excess weight?   My posture?   My lack of exercise?   I don’t know but I’m concerned...we are moving in 16 days...   so I am trying to stretch it...exercise it.  And I am working on my posture!  At work mostly.   I slouch in my desk chair...bad!  So the first thing I did was lock my work chair in the upright position.    Wow...that is rough ...so different!    The next thing I noticed?  When sitting straight I typically like to tuck my leg under me...sitting on one leg or the other.   This one is hard to break too!     But I’m trying! (I feel as if I’m falling out of the chair when my leg is not tucked!!).  The third thing I noticed...I usually lean to the left.  Even sitting up straight I lost leftward.   Changes...hard to fix but I’m working!

Moving....I am sooooo excited!   I have to curb my excitement because anytime I mention it near mom she bursts into tears.  I fairness, know that it’s probably worse because of dad dying...but she was lamenting me moving out months before Jason and I even made any plans.  She would make comments like ‘I just know you and Jason are going to want to live together someday and leave dad and I and I don’t want you to move.” And she would cry...months before dad got really ill.    So I’m constantly trying to curb my excitement!   Last. Igor I slipped and said ‘17 more sleeps’ and she just sobbed.   Sigh...........it’s hard being so excited but being made to feel bad about it.

16 more sleeps!!!!!!!

Disgust

Yes I have been missing in action...and yes that usually means bad things on a weigh loss blog.

Crazily enough I have been holding on...staying within. A few pound range. Not really gaining...not really losing.  The bad part?  It’s not a weight range that I want to be in!!!

So I made a vow to work on this during the yalear 2018.  Thus far it’s been a bit of a failure. I want  to say colossal, but I am down about a pound...but for 2.5 months that’s not much...but it’s not a gain and it is a tiny tiny loss so it’s not a colossal failure!!!

On New Years I also vowed that my eating like crazy to the point of sickness was ending too.  Yeah this past weekend I did it again!

What is my problem??  Seriously?  

My clothes feel tight and icky and I’m just not happy!!

I have a good friend that is killing this weight loss thing this year.   She is doing amazing!!!   She is inspiring me to get serious!!!!!

But right now...I’m just disgusted with myself!!!

Insanity

Ok….the scoop.   

I started the month at 247.2 (and the year)

Two weeks ago I was 244.  

Last week with the ick and whatever I was at 246 and some change

Today I was at 245.2.

 

So……a victory for this one week….. with a loss of 0.8

A Victory for the month with a loss of 2 pounds

A fail in that I didn’t recoup last weeks ‘ick’ weigh gain.

A fail in that 2 pounds for the month is NOT MUCH…not to mention that 2 pounds for two months is worse!

 

What gets me is that I am a creature of habit….I eat pretty much the exact same thing week in and week out. (That will change some when we move…especially since Jason is seriously talking about reviving his plan to start juicing…for breakfast and lunch….and then a normal dinner…which will be healthier since we will be eating at home and cooking versus going out….and yes we are excited about it!)  But back to the creature of habit.  I ate the same to things for those first two weeks that I ate the last two weeks.  It’s NUTS!  But then who said that weight loss efforts were sane and full of common sense!

 

But I’m not giving up….I will figure out this insanity!

Meanwhile Jason and I continue to pack and purge and prepare for our move!!!  And well...some fun here and there too!!

Feast or famine

So apparently my weight loss results are either feast or famine!    The first two weeks of the month I was killing it on the scales!  I was feeling strong and confident.

And then this week rolled around.  My weight was up on the scales for my official weigh in!   Grrrr! 

My eating was pretty good.  I had my  splurge day on Saturday....but every other day was in line!!!  

  I did eat some heavier sodium foods this week.    My monthly visitor (aka the ick) has arrived.   I haven’t been doing as well with water consumption. 

But I was up!!!   I’m not happy!

Even worse?  Some of my pants are feeling tighter.  What’s up with that???

So I’m just not happy and feeling a bit defeated!

Politically incorrect

I’m a retard!!  That’s all I can say!!!

So the other day I had a fabulous weigh in.  I even wrote that there was some disbelief at the weigh in numbers!    

Let me back track and say that I had done a sneak peek at the scales a day or two before that weigh in and saw the scales down by a pound.   So I was expecting a loss.  But I kinda forgot about that weigh in when I saw the scales on Wednesday morning.

Yet the loss of 5.6 pounds was incredible.  Shock awe and disbelief!

On the way home from work on Wednesday night it just hit me.  Instead of 240.0.  I bet it said 244.0.    I was weighing myself before 5AM so it was  not out of the realm of possibility that I was half asleep, half comatose and just not with it and read it wrong.    

I thought about it the whole drive home.  And then I remembered that sneak peek on the scales that showed me down by about a pound...only a day or two before! Hold the horses....that would mean a 4 pound loss in just a day...no flu that caused vomit, diarrhea and lack of eating either!    It was not looking good for my great weigh in!

So on Thursday I weighed myself 243.2 and this morning (Friday) 243.0. So yeah....I’m going to go with 244.0 as my weight for Wednesday.

Am I disappointed?  No not really.  That is STILL a loss of 1.6 pounds  for the week and 3.2 for the month.   How can I be upset with that???

So yes...welcome to my re-tard moment!

Shock awe and disbelief

I looked! I looked again!  No, it couldn’t be. I stepped off. I turned to walk away. I looked back to read the display One more. Did the scales really say that?

My Boomerang weight or a couple years was right around 238 to 240  pounds. I would lose a few I would gain a few, but right within that range was where I stayed for years. Last year in August I switched jobs. I started walking on my lunch breaks and eating a piece of fruit while I walked. I was still eating candy and snacks but I started to slowly lose weight. Ever so slowly, but I was dropping. With no exercise I was OK with slow and steady. By the end of October to early November I was down about 6- 8 pounds.  Like I said, I was happy. And then life happened. I totally lost control. In a very short time frame, I not only regained those 8 pounds but added another 8 to 10 pounds to my weight. Why yes, I gained just about 20 pounds in less than a month. How embarrassing is that?

I started the year 2018 at 247.2 pounds. I made a vow that that would change. January was kind of trial and error and sadly enough while I showed losses on the scale through the month it was a seesaw on the scales.  So January ended and I was exactly the same as I was at the beginning. Enter February!  I renewed my motivation and vowed to attack it again.  My first Wednesday weigh in showed a 1.6 pound loss with my weight being 245.6.   That was happy news. So I kept doing the same thing I did that previous week. I stuck with the granola bar for breakfast, the fruit and vegetables for lunch along with either pretzels or a 100 calorie pack and for dinner I ate whatever I wanted ...with in reason. Dinner was anything from pizza, subs, chicken tenders.  Whatever. No deprivation… I still ate my sweet treat on the weekends and while I tracked, it was not something I did as a militant regime… But rather something that I did just to have a guideline of what I was eating.

It worked, even better on week two. When I kept looking at the scale this morning and when I turned back to look at the readout one more time, I did it in shock,  happiness and disbelief. 240 pounds. That is a loss of 5.6 pounds for the past week and brings my total loss for the year (February really) to a grand total of 7.2 pounds.

I am back to the boomerang weight!   I’m not sitting way far above it anymore!   Now to squash that weight and see the boomerang weight for the last time ever!

I’m actually a little afraid to get back on the scales because of the disbelief.

Finally! Finally, I may have found the magic equation for me to lose weight at this time and point in my life. What worked before stopped working and I was beating my head against the wall getting nowhere. It wasn’t until I sat back and said I want this and I’m willing to change my methods that I started seeing results.  I had to stop feeling sorry and make the changes necessary!

Furthermore this is once again proof positive that weight is lost in the kitchen and not the gym. Yes I am still climbing the stairs at work… But I’m not doing anything else other than some random walks. It is so bad that it is considered a good day if I make it to 5000 steps on my fit bit. Yet I lost!

I know as I add exercise back in once my life settles down that it will Paul’s an adjustment to my eating again. But I’ve got this!

Empowering

I’m feeling a little bit proud today! For a couple reasons.

I weighed myself on Saturday  for my midweek check-in and I was down on the scales. Hopefully, that will convey on the official weigh in, which will occur on Wednesday. Last month it didn’t but I’ve got my fingers crossed for this month to be different.

Saturday, we stopped to grab a bite to eat for lunch. At the end of last year, I would order a sandwich and a large fry. In January I did change to a sandwich and a small fry. But yesterday I just got the sandwich. And a real funny thing happened. I was totally satisfied with just the sandwich, I did not miss the fries, I did not lament the fact that I did not get them, I didn’t leave hungry and  I did not feel deprived. Honestly, I felt empowered.  I beat the addiction...even if only for a few minutes!

Saturday night we got the normal pizza and wings that we get every Saturday night.. I had just two pieces of pizza and two small wings. And instead of shoveling the pizza crust into my mouth… I left it. I’m not a big fan of the crust I like the cheesy and saucy  goodness of the pizza...and crust is not saucy cheesy goodness. However, I typically shove the crust down my gullet simply because it’s there....typical addiction behavior.  Not on Saturday!!

I did plan my weekend sweet treat. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. I ate half on Saturday and half on Sunday night.
I’m feeling empowered and ready to face the week.

How awesome is my boyfriend? He has had a handful of service calls in the neighboring communities to where we will be living. He has been scoping out places for me to run! OK and places for him to get a quick ride in in the morning before he goes to work also. But seriously how awesome is that?

So let’s talk about last weeks goals

1.  Climb the stairs at work twice a day. 

2. Get on the bike trainer. 

3. Four bottles of water a day

4.  Track and keep the calorie under my budget.  (The budget is set for me to lose 1 pound a week..cuz slow and steady wins the race!)

So how did I do???

As an average I did the steps twice a day. There was one day I did it three times but one day only did it once and there were two days where I actually did two or three flights more than my floor.

Water… I hit four bottles about half of the time I think that was two or three days and the rest of the days I managed three bottles of water.

The bike trainer… Not once. Better look this week? I got sidetracked every evening. I am so tired at night by the time I get home that I really only have half hour maybe an hour before I drop off to sleep. I have a move coming up in seven weeks. Every night I’m taking 30 to 40 minutes of that precious time I have available, And using it to pack and purge and clean. I know I still need to get on the bike. 

Tracking....and under budget.  Absolutely!!!

So what are the goals for this week?  Pretty much the same water, stairs, bike and yes,  I’m continuing to track my food.

Progress

I am feeling pretty empowered right now.  Somehow, probably due to my lack of a backbone and utterly no control; I ended up with a Wendy’s Frosty in my possession on Sunday night.   I actually, miraculously exhibited self control.   

On Sunday night we had spicy Cajun food for dinner and a frosty sounded good.  I got home on and took about two or three bites and was too stuffed to comfortably continue.  So I put it in the freezer.  On Monday night I actually pulled it out of the freezer..but then I realized I was full.  Back into the freezer it went without even a single bite.   Tuesday night came and went and it didn’t even come out of the freezer.  Now Wednesday morning and that frosty is STILL in the freezer.   What a huge victory!!!!

Now let’s make this clear, I’m not saying that I won’t eat that Frosty tonight..or tomorrow...or sometime soon.  I’m saying that the victory is in the fact that I listened to my body and choose to NOT have it when my body was already full.   For me, that is huge!  I typically keep eating and eating and eating because ‘it’s there’. And because ‘it’s so good’.    I think I just won a round in my war against my food addiction!!!

So today was my weigh in day...I was down two pounds from my high of last Wednesday.   Thank heavens!!!!  I feel more empowered with seeing that...so I’m ready to keep going with what I’m doing.

I’ve tracked...and my calories are in line with where they need to be to lose at least one pound a week.

Yes my weekend was over in the caloric budget, but that is my balance.  I’m not worried about the weekends as much because I know with the weekends of allowing myself to indulge a bit that I won’t feel as deprived...and when I do allow myself to have something later down the line it won’t be such a rush of bliss that I will lose control.

And meanwhile in everyday life.   This week at work has been nuts!  It’s been busy....there have computer issues. (My computer only).....ice and snow...and just plain craziness!      Last night I started on the next phase of the purge and pack.  Clothes in the one dresser were on the chopping block.  I have packed things that are a wee bit tight.   You know, the things that get pushed to the back/bottom and you forget about!    I threw away one or two thinngs that had tiny holes or stains.  And I added to the goodwill pile!   I am so tired in the evening after my long day of work and commute that I plan on doing 20-30 minutes each night.   It will mean that my living space will be in a constant state of messiness...but that also means that I won’t be staying up until midnight the week before we move and/or carting stuff that I no longer want or need.

So progress all the way around. Progress toward moving.  Progress on the scales.  Progress in the war against my food addiction.   And best of all...progress in this work week...cuz it’s hump day...halfway to the weekend!!!

Exciting Changes

I am going small .....weekly goals!

1.  Stairs at work at least from lobby to my floor,  2 times a day at work.

2.  Bike trainer...at least twice

3.  Calories in check and tracked for every day

4.  Water water water...at least four bottles a day

All doable...

 Back to work after a nice weekend.....ok it was a bit icy....but I still had a great weekend!  And honestly, I can’t stop grinning from ear to ear!

Why?

We went apartment hunting!  Ok we have been apartment hunting for a while...but we went to look at one that we were both totally interested in!

Yup...this is the apartment we are looking at (or one like it)

It is on our price range, has a full size washer and dryer, a second bedroom/den (also known as the bike bedroom), and is in the location that we wanted.  (we would have liked closer to my work but that 20 miles is sour 300-400 bucks different a month....and a smaller place...so 20 miles from my work and about 2 from Jason’s)

We had already talked that we would prefer a top floor....and preferably not staring out over the parking lot.  But this place we were looking at doesn’t get this size open too often apparently.  The first available was for the end of March.  (After that I think one in April), so we knew we would take whatever and not be took picky. 

So the place available at the end of March? 

**Top floor...yay

**back of building overlooking ‘green space’...yay

**upgraded unit with new appliance and kitchen....yay

**minute away from 270...the main road to my work..and in the zone we wanted to be in...yay

**cats accepted.....yay

We filled out our application on Saturday.  And by Sunday they had notified us that we got it and it was being held for us...hold fee hasbeen paid.    We are moving Easter weekend!

There are really nice neighborhoods right across the street ....a 5 mike trail down the road in one direction...a park down the road in another direction.....lots of places to run!!!  (And a 24 hour fitness room in the complex)

We are ready and excited to clean up our eating!   

We are excited!

We are also experiencing some of that ‘wow our relationship is changing big time’ nerves.  But we haven’t rushed into this at all!  We will be about 2.5 years into our relationship by the time we move.  So I know we will be fine.  But it’s exciting and scary all the same!

February

Ok my first of February post is on the second...what if it???  Hahaha

And that darn groundhog needs to be shot...who wants another 6 weeks of winter??

January was a bummer in the end.  My weight loss was non existent.    

Well...weight loss was a bummer....Jason and I had a great month hiking and antiquing and enjoying life together!

So on to February.   In personal matters...Jason and I are hot on the trail of an apartment...we are going to look at it tomorrow.  We have some hiking plans and if the weather is nice...biking.   If we like the apartment and get it, we won’t be moving until the end of March /beginning of April.   So the months will be spent purging, cleaning and packing.  (Jason has driven through the area and looked at the apartment...he says it is awesome and he says the area is safe...which means I should be able to start running again...especially with cutting 1.5-2 hours off my commute (between the morning and afternoon it’s 1.5 to 3 hours). 

In weight loss I have not given up.  I am watching my calories...trying to limit my carbs (my nemesis) and being as active as my current schedule allows.

I have been walking the steps at work...

I am also still tracking.   I’m going to win this battle...this war if it’s the last thing I do!!!

Rattled

So January is on its way out......and it just so happened that this was my weigh in day so I have an official weigh in to report.

So here it is....I weigh 0.2 pounds MORE than I was at the beginning of the month.   I’m disallusioned beyond belief right now.  Near tears.  Frustrated. And angry.

I haven’t been perfect.  I know that.  And I’m not aiming for perfection!    But I have been so much more on point than I was in December and November.   

I have weighed every Wednesday for my ‘official’ weigh in and I’ve weighed every Saturday for my unofficial check in.   Wednesday’s I’ve been up....Saturday’s I’ve been down.  All within a 4 pound range.  

As you can see day one was high and the. The rest of the month I fluctuated between two pounds but still showing lower than January 1.  But today...boom...right back up there!  

I am running right at goal in terms of calories to lose 1 pound a week. (That goal is 1750...and my average was 1762).  

I will say that I had a bad feeling when I woke up that the scales were not going to be friendly.  Why?  I woke up thirsty.   That usually indicates that I am retaining water....dehydrated (I drank 4 or 5 bottles of water yesterday though!).  And the monthly ick has been part of my week...another whammy.   But seriously.....really????

Wow...excuses.....did I just negate those excuses as invalid and not acceptable?   That’s a first for me!!!  

So on to the midweek report.

I have restarted the stairs at work. 

My knee still is a bit sore but it’s capable of climbing!

Jason and I walked outside on Monday night. 

 But sadly there had been no bike trainer for me.  I have been utterly exhausted each night by the time I get home.  Jason mentioned my ‘spacey-ness’ on Monday night and my mom mentioned it on Tuesday night....so I know it’s not just me trying to find a reason.  I’m just plain exhausted.    Maybe I’m fighting off the germs that Jason probably shared with me last week when he was sick with a cold.  I have no symptoms (other than some sinus pressure) but maybe my body is just busy fighting it off.  Who knows.

I have been tracking everything!   As I mentioned I’m actually eating in amounts that should have me losing 1 pound a week.  And lots of fruits and veggies....not all junk!

I’m just ratttled because I’ve tried this month and I don’t have much to show for my effort....just some overly tight pants and some memories of carrots and grapes.  

That’s all Folks

We had a nice quiet weekend.  It was just what we needed.  My knee is not back to 100% yet and Jason has been fighting off a cold.   When I say relaxing...I certainly mean it...I even got a nap in on Saturday afternoon.  No long hikes...just some strolls through antique stores!!!  But seriously....check out this old washing machine!!

We sat and looked at it for a while and I took pictures for my handsome appliance repair boyfriend!   

I enjoyed my weekend immensely.  I did indulge in my sweet treats.  And now that it’s Monday I’m ready to eat healthier.  The weekend relaxation of the ‘rules’ seems to be working for me!    My calorie count only jumped about 300-400 calories on the weekend days. So it’s not like I’m going totally overboard on the weekend.  And I’m super ready for the week ahead with the lower calorie goal!  

This might be my perfect balance this time around....indulge a bit on the weekend and straight up on target the week days.   The best of both worlds.  The magic balance that I need!

And I’m determined...the bike WILL be ridden this week....and the stairs WILL be climbed at work!!!

And as the old looney toons cartoon says...that’s all folks!   Nothing  overly profound today!

Learning curve

Let’s see...where to begin.....

My knee.  It still hurts but it is finally scabbed over.  So at least the open wounds are on the way to recovery!  It still hurts to bend...but I think my gait is back to normal...mostly.   Yesterday at work I decided to try the steps.  I made it a few flights up and regretted my decision.   My company does not utilize the lower floors...and my badge only allows me access to my company’s floors and the lobby level.  So there I was a few flights in and debating what would be best on my knee ...climb or descend.   It might have been easier to descend...but I’m tough so I completed my climb!   I’ll try again today...maybe.

I’m giving myself this week for recovery.  Next week it is game on.  ‘It’s only....’. It’s only a few minutes of climbing the steps.  It’s only a few minutes on the bike trainer.  It’s only a few minutes of my time!  No excuses!  (Although an injury was a valid excuse!!). And seriously..it’s only a few weeks or good eating habits to lose the necessary weight to beat Jason in this current weight loss challenge!!!

My weekly weigh in on Wednesday was a disappointment.   Truly!    I am still down from my New Years weight...(by 1.6). But up from my low the second weigh in if the new year!!!  Right now it is  just not moving.  It’s kind of disgusting to think about!

But I did think about it!!

The first thing I did?  I Pulled out the trusty MyFitnessPal app.  (It was on my phone just unused recently.).  I have since the very beginnng had it set to lose 2 pounds a week.   I am determined to make this weight loss journey a balance.  I do not want to be militant about it.  I want to make this a lifestyle that I can continue forever.   Which means I will indulge in a donut here and there...I will have a breakfast sandwich on the way to work sometimes (today for example..more on that later!). I want to find that magical balance of restriction and indulgence.  So the first thing I did when I opened the app was to go into the settings and my profile.  I changed my goal of losing from 2 pounds a week to 1 pound a week.   That changed my calorie count to  1900.  That number scared me...so I backed it off to 1.5 pounds a week and that changed me to 1600 calories.   And that is from the 1200 figure that I’ve been trying to hit for years.   1600 gives me a bit more freedom and maybe some days I will get 1200 and maybe on the cheat day I may have more......but I feel that 1600 is doable on a daily basis. 

So I have been tracking...and I even went back to Sunday and tracked back that far.  (My cheat weekend day?  Saturday was 1900 and  Sunday was 1750..so not out of control)

So yesterday on the way to work I was DYING for a Burger King breakfast sandwich (yeah I know...bad!!). I resisted yesterday.  And yes I’m proud of myself because with what we had for dinner I would have been way over.... I barely made my calorie count as it was. But last night we decided upon our dinner for tonight and I know that what I will order is lower calories...and this morning I put my lunch and dinner into the counter and found that caolorie wise I could ‘afford’ the breakfast I wanted.  So I indulged.   And..,,  I will still be in my calorie range!!

My next step is to start to limit my carbs a bit more!!!  I honestly think that’s a huge part of my problem!!!  But that is the  next step...right now I’m settling back into tracking!!!

Regroup...adjust...move forward!

Oops

I had my next blog post planned in my head. You see I realized the other day that my ‘its just’ plan for eating and staying in line could parlay into exercise.  ‘It’s just 10 minutes on the bike trainer’. Just 10.....

And with that I was going to vow to adopt that mentality to exercise this week.  But.....

Jason and I had a nice weekend.  The weather was fantastic!!!  We got out and hiked.  

We went to an overlook.

And we hiked to some columnar jointings. 

We had a great hike!!  And a fabulous time together.

Well....except for the fact that after we hiked down to the site of the last picture. We turned around to go back to the main trail.  It was an uphill rock scramble.  The best we can figure, my toe must have caught under a lip of a rock and I felt myself going down.  Face down...down an incline...onto a jagged bed of rocks.  I saw a tree and three myself at it...but not before landing on my knee.    The knee didn’t look too bad.....immediately bruising though.  And skin broken open.

Of course I fell on a rock that had two jagged points face up.  The pain was intense and instantaneous.  So bad that my stomach immediately started flipping! I’ve not had that stomach clenching pain often ..but I don’t like it!!!  I sat there and cried for a bit..we cleaned my leg and I got up and walked.   Seriously...I wasn’t calling for emergency help....not unless my leg was dangling useless. (We were couple miles up a mountain trail...it would have been a huge production to get me out had I really needed assistance.).  I made it about 5 minutes (if that) up the trail and had to stop again because of the waves of naseua.  Luckily that was the last of that.  

We got back to the main trail and by golly I was up there on top of that mountain to see the overlook and I was going to hike up there and see it!!!  So we hiked the 0.2 miles to the overlook!

My saving grace?  It was my favorite kind of hike...uphill on the front end and downhill at the end!  So I knew that the hike out was downhill...it still hurt but hey...it was better than the exertion of climbing too!

Soooooo...today my knee is pretty tender and scratched.....black and blue ....and still a bit bloody. (It hadn’t scabbed and is still oozing...).    So there will be no ‘it’s just 10’ of any exercise...I’m taking it easy and letting it heal!!  And no I still don’t know why the pain hit so hard on an injury that apparently wasn’t too bad!

So a fun weekend and now some recouperation time!!!

It’s only.....

I walked outside this morning to a balmy warm day. Seriously it was 30° at 6 o’clock! Comparatively speaking that is warm! We are supposed to have some really nice days this weekend with temperatures in the 50° zone.  That coupled with one or two weeks left on our year pass for the Shenandoah national Park, means that we are going to try to get out and hike!  (Yeah we will probably buy another pass next month...and we kicked ourselves last year for not paying the extra 25 for a complete national parks pass...so we will probably do that this year!). We got a hike in back on November 18 or 19th right before life went belly up for me and the weather turning brutally cold.  

I am actually very excited to get out and hike. For lots of reasons. I like that sense of peace that comes in the quiet wilderness.  I love that alone time with Jason. He actually mentioned the other day about how we have had some of the most incredible conversations in the quiet privacy of the woods. But I also like I look forward to the ache of muscles after a nice hike. Crossing my fingers that this weekend it will happen.

The scales not been friendly to be this week. I am showing up a bit last week. And that’s OK. On my last post I did mention that I hadn’t eaten any sweets and that my eating was spot on. A couple hours later I was struck with the realization that I was a liar. I totally forgot that one of my coworkers brought leftover cupcakes from her daughter’s birthday in for us to finish off. Yes I ate one. OK so maybe I wasn’t a liar… Just forgetful. 

My bike trainer...well I’m just not using it as much as I thought.  I’m just so tired and wiped out in the evenings...and I lack the time!!!  Grrrr!   I know...it’s all in my head.  I need to make it a priority and just say ‘no going to bed until it’s done!’   I have been continuing to climb the stairs at work though!!!!  And yes it’s getting easier!!

It’s just

A couple years ago when I was working at the bank we had customers and coworkers that were bringing in donuts, every day it seemed. There were excessive amounts of donuts at work. And yes I was indulging. My manager at the time and I were talking about weight loss and how these donuts were impeding any effort we were making in our weight loss efforts. During a conversation we decided to challenge ourselves. No donuts. We didn’t stay forever. We put it down as a very short term and very finite amount of time. We both had vacation scheduled five or six weeks later. So our reasoning was that it’s just six weeks, who can’t live without it for six weeks. So as the donuts rolled in the door she and I wouldn’t even look in the box. And yes we made it to six weeks and ironically enough broke the donut habit at the bank. I tried to find a blog post about it this morning but I have no clue when it happened and it wasn’t labeled for me to find easily, maybe I didn’t write aboutt it. Who knows.

At the beginning of this year Jason and I threw down the gauntlet for a weight loss challenge. I have 5 pounds to lose he has 8 pounds to lose for our challenge. Not a lot but still a challenge… Game on. I hate to lose as is evidenced by the running challenges we did two years ago, but this challenge is hard. Probably harder than that one. With our running challenge I literally just had to out run him… It didn’t matter if it took me double the time to run the same mileage… I was in control and I just had to put in the time. But weight loss has so many factors and while I am in control of what I eat and it’s just harder.   But seriously challenge on and I am 3 pounds closer to my 5 pound mark!

I have about 60 pounds that I want to lose. That’s a lot! It is also overwhelming. And never ending… At least it seems. And in the past I have talked about rewarding myself after 10 pounds and have tried to break it down into 10 pound increments. But I think this time around I’m going smaller. I kind of like the concept of it’s just five pounds. Historically speaking that could be only two or three weeks of weight-loss efforts. OK two or three weeks of anal weight loss effort… I’m not going at this like a Nazi this time around so maybe a little bit longer. But in the grand scheme of things it is only a short amount of time. Right now I’m focused on five. Five is a nice number… But maybe when I get to some kind of mileage number milestone my goal might be to pounds or 6 pounds. But my new theory is small because it’s easier to say no to the donuts, to the cake, to the tempting breakfast sandwich on the way to work, when I can tell myself it’s only until I lose the 5 pounds. I think The words it’s only are the liberating word, phrase actually that empowers us to make the right choice. It’s only…