Two steps back

 Training is going well.  For the most part.  I am still exhausted.  I’m still sore a lot of the time.  I’m still occasionally  taking advil to knock the edge of the soreness off at night so that I can sleep.  I’m still not giving up.  But seriously, it feels like I take one step forward and two steps back!

 

But, there has arose a problem or two.  

 

The first thing is my knees.  I have mentioned them in the last few posts….and the trainer dude and I are really trying to attack the knee issue.  Right now my worst knee is my left one.  That is the one that just aches and aches. (Ok, hurts and hurts….cuz it’s not exactly an ache, it’s a little more intense.)   But yesterday at work I made the situation worse.   I was in my office with a client and had to walk out to complete a task for the client.  I came back into my office and sat down on my chair.  I scooted my chair in so that I was in position to continue my work with the client and WHACK….I rammed my GOOD knee into the drawers of the desk.  OH.MY.WORD!   It was bad.  Tears coming out of my eyes bad.   Take your breath away bad.  I laid my head down on my desk (forehead) and tried to regain my senses.   The poor client was an elderly man and he was so nice.  When I finally lifted my head and tried to get back to business, he kept saying “Take all the time you need.”   I managed with him….and for the rest of the day.  But lets just say that it’s been 24 hours and that knee still hurts!  (Let me also say that I didn’t let it get to me last night and I STILL went to Zumba, but did have to tone it down a wee bit!)

 

I didn’t make it to do my planned strength workout last night.  It really wasn’t m fault though.   We had one person out on PTO and two people called out sick.  I stayed to help close…..and then we had to pick up the car from the mechanics shop….and well, I had just enough time to get to my Zumba class.  

 

Ohhh the car?   It died on me on Saturday.   Luckily it was just a battery issue.  So my baby has a new battery and fresh oil!

 

So last week I completed my scheduled workouts.  I have three workouts to do each week. Push day,  Legs day, and pull day.   Push and pull days are both pretty much upper body.   No worries. I had it!  I was sore after the fact, but not worrisome.  I expected to be sore.  It wasn’t under I was in the shower on Friday morningwhen I realized that something was wrong.  I went to wash my hair and brought both hands up to my head to massage the soap into my hair.   The left arm was GREAT!  No soreness!  I had recovered.  The RIGHT arm however.  OUCH!  It hurt worse than it had all week!  Furthermore, I struggled to actually move the right arm up above and behind my head.  NOT COOL!   I wasn’t recovering, I was getting worse!

 

Years ago, I had something similar that happened.  (May 6, 2019 post )  It started out as a pain reminiscent of muscle pain, just a twinge here or there when I stretched (like to reach a top shelf in he cabinet).   In 2019, it progressed to the point that I was in some serious pain, I had numbness even down to my fingers and I had lost almost all range of motion in that arm….my dominant arm.    I ended up going to an urgent care and they told me it was a pinched nerve that was affecting everything.  The gave me RX strength Advil and muscle relaxers.   The meds took the edge off and it slowly got better….somehow, someway.

 

So when I noticed this pain in the shower this past Friday I knew that it was most likely the same issue.  What to do…what to do.   On Saturday, I was scheduled for a leg day at the gym.  Perfect!  Legs wouldn’t affect my shoulder.   When I don’t work on Saturdays, I go to a Zumba class…..I went and did that.  And made it through somewhat ok.  On Sunday I had my session with the personal trainer.  I talked to him immediately about it……and we started my workout.  It was a ‘push’ day.  So arms.  JOY JOY.     The discrepancy between my arms was CRAZY.  Where my dominant arm just a few days earlier was the strong one, now it was the weak link.  Furthermore, the amounts that I could lift diminished (not that it was anything fabulous previously, but still!).   YIKES!  I literally went backwards!   The pain in my bicep was no fun at all!

 

The trainer worked with me and he watched like a hawk.   A few exercises in he looked at me and said “it’s not your bicep, it’s your shoulder that is the issue.”  

 

Soooooooo……we spent some time with him showing me some movements to help with stretching and mobility and movement of the shoulder.  And they are things I can do at home!  So here we go, lets get this arm fixed and back on the forward progression!

 

I have about 2 weeks until my next trainer session as he is going on vacation….so hopefully I will be back to normal by the time he returns.  In the meantime, I’ll be getting in as many training sessions as possible, even if the arms may be a less weight than they were capable of last week!

Fake it Till you Make it

 

The personal training experience has worked to make me realize something about myself.  In all honesty, it wasn’t a pleasant discovery.  It was sobering.  It is sad.  It is plan and simple embarrassing.

 

I talked about it a bit the other day when I was giving a run down of my personal training experience.  I wrote how I realized that I am ashamed to even be in the gym “pretending’. To be fit and using the machines.  While I am there, I am honestly trying to make myself unobtrusive and unnoticeable.  I keep my eyes down.  I am trying to shrink out of sight.

 

How sad is that?

 

I used to not be that way.  Years ago when I was going to the gym, I went in boldy.I used the machines.  I felt like I belonged.  I had no shame.  And I was the same weight if not even more than I currently weigh now.  Yet, I find myself embarrassed, shy and awkward. 

I don’t like this me, this lack of self confidence.

 

My assumption about this absolute lack of confidence has a couple facets.  One, before I lost the weight the first time, I was happy and secure in who I was.  I actually didn’t feel fat.  I didn’t even feel overweight.  I felt normal.  But then I lost weight and realized that I had been fat all along.  Thing felt fantastic and I loved it. But when I gained weight, I suddenly realized how bad fat really felt.  (You see, before it was just normal…I thought everyone felt that way.  It wasn’t until I felt how thin felt that I realized how bad it had been.)  And let me tell you.  I didn’t like how fat felt when I regained.  And furthermore, it embarrasses me.

 

The whole world sees my failure!

 

The second facet is the fact that in no way am I the same person.  I have lost dreams.  I have gone through heartache.  It is a confidence killer to have a husband that shows no interest you as a physical human….yet that is what I went through in my first marriage.  It is confidence busing to have your spouse cheat on you behind your back…..yet I lived through that too in that first marriage.  Granted, it is years ago, but those hurts are still buried deep inside me.

 

Irregardless of the reason, my confidence is nonexistent.  It makes my gym visits extremely uncomfortable for me.  Luckily with my Zumba classes, I feel uncomfortable walking in…but once I get into my room where the class is held I feel free and at home.  But the actual gym area…uncomfortable. 

 

Uncomfortable is no Excuse

 

I am not letting my confidence issues derail me.  I wear a hat (which I always used to do when I ran anyway….keeps the sweat from dripping out of control into my eyes).  I let the brim of my ball cap ‘hide’ me.  Silly, I now, cuz I’m not hidden at all…but it protects my mind.      I do my workout and push through the discomfort.  And even with the brim of my hat pulled low, I have noticed that I am NOT the largest person there.  I am also not the person lifting the lowest weights.  Not that that matters….we all start somewhere.  But it does help me to know that I am not the only one in my fitness shape and physical size.  (And probably helps them too I imagine.)   But not matter what, I am not giving up……I’ll go no matter if I am comfortable or not!

 

As for the confidence?   Well…..I”m going to fake it until I make it!

 

 

An Open Book or Not

 

This personal training thing has been an eye opener for me.  I have made some discoveries about myself and it’s not just in how weak I have let my muscles and body get.   The personal trainer dude at the very beginning talked my food.  Which while I don’t like to admit it, I know it’s important.  Weight is lost in the kitchen, not the gym.  So I was happy to know that he wasn’t all ‘it’s the gym only’.   However, I had a few issues.

 

The first issue that I had is that he wants me to eat closer to 1600 calories.  I usually aim for 1400 or less.  (When counting WW points I am usually right at around 1200-1300 calories).   The thing is…..usually anything over 1400 and I don’t lose weight.  So I told him that.  He actually said “Yeah, you are not going to lose weight at 1600 with your current status”   He went on to say that he actually doesn’t expect me to lose weight during the first month.  But after the first month, those muscles should get to working overtime and I should start burning fat at the 1600 calorie mark. 

 

SO with fear and trepidation, I have upped my calorie intake.  Time will tell.  Thus far, I have not lost….but I haven’t gained.  I am fluctuating within a 3-4 pound range. 

 

The second thing he said was that he wants my protein intake to be over 100 grams.  Yikes, because let me be honest…protein consumption is difficult for me.  I don’t like a whole lot of meat…or meat substitutes.  Ironically, I had started using a protein drink a month or two before signing up for personal training.  That extra protein shake got me up to about 60 grams a day.  Still shy…..I am totally committee to this personal raining thing (seriously, for the price I am paying, I’m committed.)  SO I am working on that.  I am still doing the protein drink…but I am also making a smoothie each morning.  That gives me two servings of fruit and I use another premier protein drink which give me 30 more grams of protein.  So I am working on it.

 

 

The third thing actually should have been the easiest but it actually was one of the hardest for me.  And let me tell you, it was shocking.  You see, I have been tracking my food for years.  On my fitnesspal I have been tracking for 18 years (I had to go back and look).   I have shared my username and invited people to look and be accountable with me.  (If you are interested, my username is mfclingan).   I have been an open book.  I share and it’s no problem.  It’s been public knowledge!  In fact, I’ve even shared my food intake at one time or another here!  So why in the world did opening up my apps to the trainer freak me out???

 

I didn’t really have an issue with sharing my stats from my watch.    Sure, I had a momentary thought that ‘trainer dude’ was gonna see my pitiful steps.  But that was only a moment’s pause.  Seriously, he already knew how bad it was just from looking at me.  And if somehow he still didn’t get it, he would get it as soon as we had our first training session together.  So I linked that account to the trainer app.   Done.

But then it came time to share the myfitnesspal app.  No problem right?   Ohh yeah, there was a problem.  I don’t know what happened, but I cringed!   And I couldn’t understand it.  I mean, I try to be as honest as possible with my food and tracking.  So it wasn’t like I was ‘closet eating’.  But I was really struggling with sharing my app with the trainer dude.   WHY?

 

 

Was I not being honest with myself?

Was I afraid he was going to freak out if I ate one bad thing?

 

What was my fear?

 

I am still not sure.  I do think that while I say that I am brutally honest, that there probably are a few things that I do maybe fudge a bit in my favor.  Do I really count each squirt of ketchup?  NOPE.  Do I really measure out exactly how much pasta I put on my dish?  NOPE.  So yeah, maybe I’m not as honest.  Was I afraid that trainer dude was going to yell at me if I splurged on the weekend and had a piece of cake?  Or ate more than one slice of pizza?  Maybe.  But I have also told trainer dude that “I don’t eat pizza every day…..I don’t eat cake everyday….I refuse to give it up.”  I told him that if I am required to give it up that it wouldn’t be a sustainable change and that this is not a quick fix…this has to be a forever way that I can work.  He has listened…..probably gathering ammunition to try to get me to change my mind.  But I am firmly in the belief that 80% adherence is the way to go……  I don’t know why it freaked me out…..especially considering any one of you can go onto myfitnesspal and see it all anyway.

 

Food for thought though eh?   I opened it up and linked them though.  I’m all in on this venture!

Trainer Dude

Wait!  Hold the horses!  You mean I'm actually on here writing and it's only been 10 days between my last post and now?    What in the world!     It's gonna snow or something!  

Honestly though, I jest about it ONLY being a week and a half since my last post but that is still pretty lame to go that long.   As always, it's not because I don't want to.  It's not because I don't have anything to say. (When have I EVER not had something to say.)  It is plain and simple that I am so busy and so tired.

 Busy and Tired

OK, sometimes I don't rightly know why I am so busy.  It feels like I should have all the time in the world.  I mean, I do work at full time job.   Sure, last week my 40 hours stretched longer (not including the 20 minute drive both ways).   But still, that shouldn't take up all this time.   I am working on one or two writing projects....in my spare time. (So not too much in the last week.)   Sure I have animals to take care of.  But it just feels as if I am constantly on the go with no time for anything.  

Exacerbating the busy feeling is this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion.  I am just flat out tired.   I will be in the kitchen making dinner when Jason walks in the house and he takes one look at me and says "You look whupped'.   I can only agree.   There has been nights where I get home and I just cry. Not because of any issue.....but just because. (OK, so I cry spontaneously when I'm tired.....over anything and everything.   It's raining....well that might bring on tears.   I can't find the ketchup bottle in the fridge......tears.)  I've just been tired.

So why have I been so tired and so busy?   The gym.  I blame the gym.   Or to be more specific, I blame my harebrained idea to sign up with a personal trainer.    I told my trainer the other day that I truly believe that he must have been one of those kids that took a magnifying glass and burned ants for entertainment! 

 

 Nice enough guy.   And honestly, just doing his job.  He can't help it that I let my muscles disintegrate to nothing!  But still....he's sadistic!

Personal Trainer

As I said, he is a bit sadistic!    Literally.   We meet once a week and then he wants me to do 3 work outs between our sessions.   This past session I arrived and didn't have a water bottle.  I don't take it to the hour session.  I know me.  I'm not going to drink it during the session. (When I link my strength workout with zumba I definitely carry it...because that's a two hour window).  I used to rarely drink when I ran.....or when I went to zumba.  In fact, if I'm just going to zumba, I take water but I RARELY drink even a sip.  However, I do chug it when I'm done.   That is just what works for me!  (Yeah, I"m weird.....I don't deny it!)   So trainer dude was like, "where is your water".   I answered honestly and told him in my car....and reminded him that I wouldn't have drank it anyway and would have been a nuisance and if I got really desperate there was indeed a water fountain!.   He flat out told me that his mission that day was to make me regret not having my water bottle.  Ha.   (And nope, didn't regret it.......even though admittedly I was thirsty and downed like 40 ounces of water in the half hour or so after I got home.)   See, he is sadistic! 

 But......lets be honest.  I am SORE after the workouts.   He pushes really hard.  Pushed me on some machines to the point of failure.  He is finding out what my current limits are.  Because once he found that, when he assigned my workouts for the week, I am lifting just underneath that breaking point.  Fine by me because what's the use of lifting something so light that I is barely working.  I am paying an ungodly amount of money for this trainer dude......so lets get the most out of it!   But that pushing to the limit......seriously, Jason and I were out and about later in the day and I used the restroom while we were out and I told Jason when I came out.  "I almost had to tell a lady in there to go get my husband to help me get up off the toilet!"  I kid you not.. I was Sore!   I didn't even sleep well that night because every time I moved an inch in bed my muscles screamed out in freakish misery!  The next night I took an advil to allow me to get a good night sleep!

  

Trainer dude wants me eating 1600 calories.  Typically I don't lose weight at a calorie budget of 1600.  But I am listening to him and rolling with it.  He wants me to up my protein levels. (ARRRGGGHHH I struggle with protein!) .  And he has told me not to expect weight loss this first month.   

 The trainer dude wants me to do at least 3 strength sessions on my own each week along with at least 3-4 hours of cardio.   So I have been continuing my zumba classes (Yeah, lets be honest, that was non-negotiable for me anyway, I like my zumba classes!)  With the strength training, I may not push myself as hard as trainer dude does....but I am trying to push myself as hard as I can.  Why?   It's ungodly expensive and I need to make the most of it and not squander the time that I can afford to go.   (Ok, ungodly expensive may be too over dramatic.....but yeah, just shy of $300 a month for 1 one hour session a week......more than I really want to spend!)

That said, what are my thoughts right now after two trainer sessions?

*  I have flat out  told the trainer that has the three month commitment that I signed up for  to show me that it is worth the money!  He seems confident that the results will come easily. 

* I went into this trainer thing with the plan to be completely all in.  So during my initial meeting and first sessions I was very open with him.  I flat out told him my diminishing mobility and told him where I seem to be having the most issues.   Yeah, he would have eventually found the weak spots, but by me telling him up front we saved a lot of time and he was able to go right to the crux and start working on that.   It is the same concept of why I was OK with him pushing me to the point of failure each week.....it saves time and gets us to where my workouts NEED to be faster. 

* We are going after my weak spots.  So there is a lot of exercises to strengthen around my knees.  It has been beneficial to have him walk me through the exercises as I am like "oh yeah, the knee pain kicks in at this point"   So trainer dude usually can tell me to adjust the angle of my foot or leg or whatever and we try it again..usually with better results.    

* While I don't like the pain and soreness, I know it's necessary.....and in some weird way makes me proud of myself.

* Somewhere, somehow in the last 15 years since I used to go to the gym regularly, I have become embarrassed about myself and how far I've fallen.  When I used to go to the gym I marched in boldly and used the equipment and held my head high.   Yeah, I don't do that now.  That confidence is gone...and I didn't realize how badly it is tucked away and hidden (I refuse to believe it's gone) until this gym experience. 

 

So why am I tired?  I personally think it's a combination of two things.  One, on  top of the 3-4 hours of zumba I had been doing at the gym....I am now going an extra 4 hours a week.   That puts a dent in my daily schedule.  And secondly, I imagine my body is working overtime to repair and restore those muscles.  I'm giving it a few weeks and then we shall see how I feel!  Right now, I am just tired! So tired!