I had a bad feeling

 We had another busy weekend!  When will things slow down?  Will they ever slow down?   It was a good week overall though!

Zoey

We had another fun week with our puppy.   We have had her for three weeks now and she is settling in.  She is a bit of a ham and comes running up to the camera, so I have to be sneaky with pictures!    When we got her, she was right at 32 pounds (at home weight).  She went to the vet a week after we got her and she was 34 pounds.   SHe went back to the vet this past week and she is now almost 42 pounds.  My girl is growing like a weed!

She is learning lots of new things.  Important things actually.  We continue to potty train her.  She is pretty good with that.  She just needs to figure out how to tell us she has to go potty.  She goes into the kitchen and stares at the door, but that is not a feasible method since we can't see her if she is in the kitchen.  So currenty we are jumping up and running to look to see if she is staring at the door.  We have jingle bells on the door which we rattle each time she goes out.  SHe has rattled it two times on her own and we have immediately taken her outside but she just plays out there on those trips.  SHe will get it....I hope!   She is also learning to not jump up on us.  As a puppy (albeit a big puppy) it's not too bad, but she is growing and will be well over a hundred pounds.  We can't have that much dog jumping up on us.  We have been working on how to walk on a leash without pulling our arms out of the sockets.  Newfoundlands are noted for being awesome at pulling....so it is her nature, and we are trying to break her of that.  We have been talking about getting her into drafting......pulling a cart.  But that won't come until she is at least 18 months old and her body is done growing and her bones and muscles are ready for it!  She is doing well! 

She enjoyed the 4-5 inches of snow that we got on Wednesday.  She was running and leaping in the air.  I honestly think that may have been one of her best days thus far in her life. 

Exercise and food

I have been doing great with my exercise and food.  I have been super consistent with my tracking.  I track each and every bite that I eat.  I have managed to keep my points within my target range for al but one day.  The day that I wasn't in my range was calculated and planned.  I also have my weekly points so that is what I used to cover my overage.  So I did great with eating.

Exercise I also did fantastic with.  I have remained consistent with my efforts and have exercised each day that was planned.  I did take some time off over the weekend to allow my body to heal.  I plan on doing that again this weekend.  My legs feel heavy and cumbersome, so I know it's time for a bit of a break!  I will still be walking the dog and doing other stuff...just not squats and jumping jacks and whateer else the youtube workout videos throw at me!  

Weigh in

I was nervous about this weigh in.  SO nervous.  I have not been weighing myself daily like I used to. It's not that I don't want to.  It's simply that I have been using the hall bathroom and my scales are in the master bath.    So it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales this morning.  Sadly, my fears were founded. (Don't ask me how I knew that it was not going to be a good week on the scales...I just had this gut feeling.)  I gained a pound.  

I am bummed.  No gain is ever welcome.  A maintain is hard enough to bear, but a gain?

I am telling myself that it's ok.  I know that I lived a healthy and fit life this past week and that the scales WIL catch up.  My main goal is to be fit and healthy and i did that.  The numbers on the scaes are a bonus whenever that happens.  The main thing is to stay consistent!  I'm not letting that number on the scale derail me from the good that I am doing!  So full steam ahead!

Weekly weigh in: I hate scales

What in the world????   It can’t be true!   Noooooo!    Yes, I am shocked and appalled at my weigh in for the last weight week!

I did it all right!   I counted my WW points.  (Green plan). I tracked.  I measured!  I did it!  I did it right too!  I was spot on!  

We hiked...I rode my exercise bike...I walked!  

But apparently it was wrong!   I showed a one pound gain!   

Seriously, this is the most frustrating thing!   How do I go on?  What do I do???

I am not changing anything.  I’m going to continue to count my points.  I’m going to continue to track my food.   I am going to keep on moving!   I’m on a journey to get healthy and fit.  My actions last week were in line....I can’t help it that the scales apparently took a vacation!  All I can say is that I am not giving up!!!

Fears about a weight gain

My first official weigh in after vacation happened this past weekend.  I was showing up 2 pounds exactly.   I had hoped for better!  I had wanted a maintain.  Yet I was ok with the gain.    I knew going in that I was going to live my life and not focus on my food.  I still chose healthy options at times....but I also choose some unhealthy options at times.   I was completely satisfied with my food choices. 

So while I am ok with my weight after vacation....I still find myself panicking.   I go back to the first official post vacation weigh in shortly after I reached my goal weight.   It is the vacation where I started my backwards slide!   Yeah, this one.....  I know it’s not the same....but my mind goes there....what if I never recover?  What if I never lose the weight and start regaining?  What if I end up back at 330 pounds?

I am eating right....and we did go out for a ride this past weekend and I have started walking on my lunch break again this week (ok yesterday...but it’s a start)

I know...my fears are silly...but my weight is just not dropping quickly...but it hasn’t this time around.  It seems as if I drop a half pound then maintain for a week or two and then drop another half pound.   It’s still progress but it is slooooow!

So that is where I am at!  Worried...panicked....just plodding along and staying on track for this weight loss journey!

A video of last weeks progress can be found here....

Failure at it’s Best

I want to just erase this past week from the books!  Can we? Huh?  Please?   It had been a week of failure on a few different healthy living fronts!  Eating was a failure!  Exercise was a failure!  It was just...well two steps forward, two steps back!   So let’s figure out went went wrong!

Failure Number One

My eating!  As aforementioned on this site, I had my mother’s filled cookies that she makes one time a year...especially for my birthday. (She calls them a labor of love because they are fine intensive). I ate a LOT of cookies!  It’s a once a year thing....but I still ate a lot of cookies!  Otherwise I didn’t eat too poorly...but did I mention I ate cookies...2-3 for breakfast...with a banana.   2-3 For lunch....with my regular lunch.  One or two as a snack when I got home from work.  Oh and I ate 4-5 each night after my normal dinner.   Maybe a dozen cookies a day. That’s a lot of cookies (they are gone. I got them on Monday afternoon and by Wednesday night they were mostly gone...I had two on Thursday to end this years cookie fest).  I ate so many cookies that on Thursday morning I was feeling icky and stuffed and just not well.  Don’t worry...I still finished up those two cookies that were left!   And since there was no sweets left...I STUPIDLY made brownies.   I was stuffed and feeling icky while I was eating dinner...yet I continued to shovel the food into my mouth...and I of course couldn’t pass on the brownies!!!   Why???  So here I am on Friday morning super early, once again feeling icky...stuffed and half sick!   I swore after New Year’s Day when I ate so much I was physically sick, that I wasn’t doing this again....yet here I am??

As a side note. I finally got the recipe for the cookies this year...which could be a bad thing...because if I can make them then I have the chance for the deliciousness all the time.  BUT I am looking at it this way.  If I make them...and know I can make them myself....it will take away the utter frenzy of eating them when I get them.   Mom’s will always taste sweeter and better...but I won’t be as crazed.  That’s my theory anyway...and I don’t plan on making them anytime soon!!!!

Failure Number Two

Exercise.  I was doing so good with waking up early to exercise for almost two months.  Last week my schedule changed.  I go in a half hour earlier......I just can’t force myself to wake up even earlier...5 to 5:30 is early enough in my book!  I do make it home a half hour earlier now.  I swore that I would start running again during that half hour.  It just has not happened!  It’s hard when Jason is already home to kiss him hello, change my clothes and walk back out the door...even when I know it is only for a half hour!   When he isn’t home yet, it is too tempting to start making dinner, cold the laundry, etc.  so I have been a colossal failure in the exercise front!  Next week maybe I’ll nail this on!!!

And yes...I laid out my running clothes early this week...ready to hop into them after work.  I figured have them out and ready and it would make it easier to switch gears and get out there!  Well, the whole week had passed and they are still laying on the trunk nice and clean and ready for use.

Another failure!! Big time!!!

Failure Number Three

Everything...this change in hours while seemingly small is really throwing me for a loop.  I’m tired (ok maybe that’s also because I’m in training at work..).  I’m sluggish.  I’m not getting things done.  I feel like I’m falling behind (blog reading...blog writing for example).  Grrrrr

Failure Number Four

My weight.  It’s up.  It’s also the monthly ick, it has arrived...and my weight usually goes up when that happens.  But I can’t  honestly blame it all on the monthly ick.  Seriously...lots of cookies. (That I did share with Jason!). My weight as of yesterday is back to my high of this year.  I lost weight steadily from May to September...and I have slowly regained that weight back.   Grrrr!   Well....almost...maybe a pound lower.   But still!!!!!!!  I did it to myself, but it is still super frustrating!!!

So lots of failures to report this week!  I’m ashamed to write this post.  But it’s how this journey is.  I just lost a battle in the war..  But I haven’t waved the white flag of surrender just yet for the war itself.   I retreated and I’m immediately going back on the attack.  The next battle is upcoming!!!  Part of a war is losing some battles and winning others. Most wars are not won without some losses. But to win the war we must pick ourselves up, reevaluate and head into the next battle stronger and smarter.   That is just what I am doing. I know where some of my mistakes happened. (Eg Not packing a lunch yesterday because I felt icky...then eating junk food at work because I got hungry...and snacks at home because I was still hungry) I can correct those mistakes and move on stronger and smarter...and I will win the next battle!!!  I’m determined!!

I leave you with my work in progress.....the living room of my one dollhouse.

Trust the plan

For the last week or two I have actually been feeling very positive about where I am with my eating, where I am with my exercise and where I’m going with my weight loss journey. I’m feeling stronger, more empowered and honestly more capable of once again completing this task of losing weight. So it came as a complete shock to me during the last week to be paralyzed with fear.

Let me backtrack, the plan that I am currently working with for my weight-loss efforts involves a balancing act. I’m not giving up anything… I’m balancing. I know for me right now deprivation is not going to work. So I’ve devised a plan that actually is working for me. Slowly, but surely. Honestly it really is a fine line. I am still eating a sweet treat most nights. This could blow up in my face really really quickly and easily. I have tried to set up a check system so that I don’t eat the sweet treats when I shouldn’t, but it really is a crapshoot. Why am I willing to take this risk? I think the biggest reason is because for me it gives normalcy. Normal is what I’m striving for. I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly stressed about my food choices.  And let’s face it, for the first time in a long time I am excited about this journey.

Enter the fear. It started last week, the one day that I did not earn my steps but still ate the sweet treat. I laid in bed that night wailing and gnashing my teeth in fear that I had gained weight from my little bobble. OK, maybe that was a little melodramatic… A lot melodramatic! But in all seriousness, I was worried. I was starting to see movement on the scales in the right direction and I didn’t want to upset that progress. It turned out OK though. (In fairness I didn’t totally go off track and I got right back on track the next day.)

On Monday I wrote about the weekend  I wrote about my hunger on Sunday that lingered into Monday causing my calorie counts to go a little bit higher than I wanted them to be. Enter the fear. I worried! I really worried.

On Tuesday morning I stepped on the scale for a little check of my weight. I looked down and saw the number and let out a sigh of disgust. On one hand, I was happy because it was a maintain from a week earlier. But on the other hand I was disgusted because it was a maintain for the week and a gain for the weekend.  What happened to all of my effort from the previous week. There was nothing I could do other than move forward. I had already figured out why I was so hungry those days and in doing so had pinpointed the problem, which means I know how to correct it for the future. There really was nothing else I could do but move forward.

I moved through my Tuesday with a smile on my face. And while I ate my sweet treat, I wasn’t worried about it because I had met the criteria that I had set aside a couple weeks back for eating a sweet treat at night. In the back of my mind I wondered if I wasn’t a bit dehydrated though, I drank  the same amount of liquid at work… But almost immediately I had to pee constantly. In my experience whenever I start drinking after being dehydrated I pee a lot to get rid of the water that I was retaining. I refused to think about it deeply and just kept moving forward.

Wednesday dawned and a new day, a new chance to step on the scale. I was so relieved to see the lower number on the scales this morning.. My effort from last week is back! Hallelujah! While I was in the shower one thought kept going through my head… Trust the plan.

Trust the plan? If you have a solid plan in place for weight loss, the wait is going to come off. A slight aberration in the plan is not going to derail you. Trust the plan.

On Monday night I set out running clothes and set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier. I must’ve been insane! But, when that alarm went off I rolled out of bed through all my clothes and headed outside for a run. I got out there and it was misting… Not a full rain thank heavens. I didn’t let that mist stop me. I ran anyway! I was wearing my glasses, and they fogged up something horrible. I push them up on my head and kept running. I did it!



About the glasses… Yes I’m pretty blind without them. I was able to see and stay on the sidewalk and when I had to cross the road I could see that there were no cars there for sure. So in that regard I was safe. However if there was some stalker or person out to do me harm hiding behind a tree… I wouldn’t have seen them. For example as I approached a street corner I saw what looked like a tree or somethingand then the tree moved. A quick flip down at my glasses revealed that it was a person walking their dog that had stopped to let the dog do their business. Yeah that’s how my run went. Never a dull moment. 

Luckily my work break walks were serene!!

It’s hump day today… And today, I’m just trusting my plan.

Rattled

So January is on its way out......and it just so happened that this was my weigh in day so I have an official weigh in to report.

So here it is....I weigh 0.2 pounds MORE than I was at the beginning of the month.   I’m disallusioned beyond belief right now.  Near tears.  Frustrated. And angry.

I haven’t been perfect.  I know that.  And I’m not aiming for perfection!    But I have been so much more on point than I was in December and November.   

I have weighed every Wednesday for my ‘official’ weigh in and I’ve weighed every Saturday for my unofficial check in.   Wednesday’s I’ve been up....Saturday’s I’ve been down.  All within a 4 pound range.  

As you can see day one was high and the. The rest of the month I fluctuated between two pounds but still showing lower than January 1.  But today...boom...right back up there!  

I am running right at goal in terms of calories to lose 1 pound a week. (That goal is 1750...and my average was 1762).  

I will say that I had a bad feeling when I woke up that the scales were not going to be friendly.  Why?  I woke up thirsty.   That usually indicates that I am retaining water....dehydrated (I drank 4 or 5 bottles of water yesterday though!).  And the monthly ick has been part of my week...another whammy.   But seriously.....really????

Wow...excuses.....did I just negate those excuses as invalid and not acceptable?   That’s a first for me!!!  

So on to the midweek report.

I have restarted the stairs at work. 

My knee still is a bit sore but it’s capable of climbing!

Jason and I walked outside on Monday night. 

 But sadly there had been no bike trainer for me.  I have been utterly exhausted each night by the time I get home.  Jason mentioned my ‘spacey-ness’ on Monday night and my mom mentioned it on Tuesday night....so I know it’s not just me trying to find a reason.  I’m just plain exhausted.    Maybe I’m fighting off the germs that Jason probably shared with me last week when he was sick with a cold.  I have no symptoms (other than some sinus pressure) but maybe my body is just busy fighting it off.  Who knows.

I have been tracking everything!   As I mentioned I’m actually eating in amounts that should have me losing 1 pound a week.  And lots of fruits and veggies....not all junk!

I’m just ratttled because I’ve tried this month and I don’t have much to show for my effort....just some overly tight pants and some memories of carrots and grapes.  

Disbelief, shock and awe

I'm in disbelief!  I have hovered at just about a 2 pound loss for the last 4 days. And today was my official weigh in day. Yay!  Time to get that 2 pound loss officially recorded!  My goals for the week?  You know...tracking, staying within my caloric budget, drinking water, exercising.  I nailed each and every one!  I didn't falter!  I rocked the plan.

I woke up this morning.  I knew IMMEDIATELY that it was going to be bad.  You see, since I weigh everyday I know the nuances of my body.  Today I woke up thirsty.  That has NEVER boded well on the scales that day.  NEVER.  I laid in bed for a few minutes, hoping that today would be different!  I prayed that today would be different.  I took every article of clothing off  and even contemplated chopping off some of my hair for an added bonus, but stopped just shy of grabbing my dull scissors from the bathroom drawer.  I stepped on the scales.    YAY......(note the sarcasm) I weighed in a half of pound HIGHER than last week.  So I have to woman up to a gain this week.    ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Seriously, why am I doing this????

I know I know I know...I'm doing it because I want to be thin.  I'm doing this because I want to live a healthy and active life.  I'm doing this and I'm not giving up, but it is depressing.....even knowing that it is most likely a water weight gain.    My consolation.....because I DO weigh everyday, I know what is most likely the issue.  (and I drank right around 100 ounces of water yesterday...so no, it's not an issue of drinking too little....stupid me, I made General Tso Chicken last night...homemade, and while I do use low sodium soy sauce..seriously, low is a relative term when referring to soy sauce and other chinese ingredients).

Oh well...  (can I scream now?)   Moving on.

So this journey to a better me isn't all about weight.......so .....I've decided to restart my 365 project.  I've done two consecutive years in the past and have LOVED the results.  I like having a pictorial guide to my year and I like having a camera in my hand. (and it's neat because I can always see my skill as a photographer increase when doing it).    In previous years I was totally hard core.  I had to take a picture each day...I think I only missed 2 or 3 days in those two (two and a half actually) years.  It added a bit of stress to my life on some days.......This time around I'm going more casual......I'm going to TRY to get a picture everyday.

My rules are simple....I want most of the pictures taken with my good cameras.  I can occasionally throw in a cell phone pic (I've taken some amazing shots with my cell phone..and sometimes the cell phone shots sum up the day much better than any other shot) and I may even throw in a graphic art picture or something I pick up somewhere else.  So really simple.   I've done this almost a week now......so here is my week in review...

January 19....my beautiful niece

January 20  Sunset before zumba

January 21....Snowy day

January 22.....recovering from snow

January 23....so wrong but so incredibly funny

Mind games

As I've written a few times in the last few days, I didn't have a stellar week last week.  I ate way out of control.  I admit it..  It is what it is....it's the past and there is nothing to do but to move on.  I'm not happy with it, but I'm  ok with it.   As I also mentioned, my weight was up on my official weigh in day....Friday morning.    Once again, it is what it is.....I may not like it but I need to accept it.

I accept accepted it but also looked deeply at what needed to be done to correct the problem.  I weighed myself and decided immediately what plan of action I would be taking.  Todd asked for Breakfast Pizza that morning.  My recipe is really tasty...but kind of high in calories.  One slice is about 315 calories.  I will freely admit that I have eaten 2 slices and possibly even three before.  OF all things caloric speaking, that's a lot of calories in one meal....almost my whole daily allowance!   I sat down after my weigh in and planned out my food intake for the day.  Dinner, lunch and breakfast.  I planned out exactly how big my serving would be for our dinner meal.  I planned my lunch and I got to breakfast.  I had enough calories for one slice of breakfast pizza and some applesauce.  I made the pizza and served it up.  I served Todd his typical serving of two slices and placed my one piece on my plate.  It was extremely tasty!  I fought the urge...I wanted to stand up and grab another slice of breakfast pizza so bad!  I went round and round in my head. My body was screaming at me that I needed that other slice.  I was still hungry after all!  My mind and my desire to be thin eventually won the battle and I cleaned up breakfast and went on with my morning, even though I was still a bit hungry.   About  an hour later I made a startling realization.  I wasn't remotely hungry.  I hadn't needed that slice of breakfast pizza after all!!!!

I was strict with my calorie budget on Friday and Saturday.  On Saturday that lesson of not needing food that I had convinced myself that I desperately needed was replayed.  My hunger is in m mind. I just need to remind myself that if I plan out my food with thought and care that what I plan to eat is honestly enough for my body!    Easier said than done!

So it's Sunday evening......I rocked Friday.  I rocked Saturday..and why yes, I did actually rock my eating today too! 

I didn't exercise Friday or Saturday but I was active today.  (Although I will admit that I wanted to cancel my morning walk with my friend.....seriously, it was cold out there!  I didn't...nor did she!).  So that's my next order of business....get that exercise back in line.  (ok, so I actually exercised 4 days this last week...that's not bad.)

Carbolicious

Bread oh yummy bread!  Why do you have such a delicious hold upon me.   Your crusty edges and soft insides make my heart melt with a taste bud orgasm!  Add a little butter on your warm fluffiness and it’s absolute rapture!.  Pasta…ohhh yummy pasta!!!!   Corkscrews, spaghetti, ziti and penne.  So delicious!

Yes, I am a carb-o-holic!  I love bread, I love pasta.  I love dough.  I love it!  Man CAN live on bread alone.  I know this in my heart to be true. Ha ha ha However, I also know that man (or woman in this case) needs to have the nutrients of other foods, but it is an enticing thought! 

So after those two paragraphs I think it’s fairly obvious that I like bread and would be happy with having a serving of bread or pasta with each meal….or maybe more than one serving, if I want to be honest…because we all know that bread is a wonderful accompaniment to a pasta dish.  I can work a my breads (carbohydrates) into my eating budget.  It’s completely doable to still get my nutrients and still eat my much loved bread and pasta. I’ve done it.  I’ve been healthy while I’ve done it.  However, it’s just not possible for me to lose weight while I’m eating so many carbohydrates, isn’t that sad?  Lets have a moment of silence to mourn this fact………..  

So this week the breads and pastas have crept into my diet. I’ve managed to hold onto my weight…or not....but I’m definitely not dropping.  I know what that means.  And it makes me sad.   Limiting my carbs

That said……being fat makes me sadder.   Being obese makes me downright depressed.  I’ll give up a serving or two of bread or pasta for the time being.  I know that when I’m maintaining I can have more carbs (as long as I am, still getting my base nutrients) and be ok.  But for right now……well I will enjoy the bread and the pasta oh so much more when I do indulge!  (And at least I will still have that one carbolicious meal!) 

On a different note….a few months back I opened myself up to have an article written about me in the local paper.  It took a leap…because I let it all hang out.  I was brutally honest with where I was…where I’ve been….my weight.  EVERYTHING.  I heard some positive responses but then it died down.   Mondy night Zumba started for the year the classes were packed.  I went to the second class and some gals that had helped and were there greeting people came up to me and said, “Thank you for being open in that article.  There were at least 8 new people that tried zumba that  that when we asked them about how they came to try it, they quoted you and your article. “   I guess I should feel honored that sharing my struggles had that impact. 

Down with a Gain

Victory precedes failure.   I was on top of it last week when I weighed myself after Thanksgiving and saw a loss/maintain.  And then life happened.  My binge hasn't been a planned bing, it's simply been circumstances that put food in front of my face....and we all know that I struggle to say no.  Ok, it hasn't been THAT bad, but my weight is definitely up this morning.   I've got until Friday to get it back in line...because I do NOT want to show a gain. 

So my food is planned for the day.  I've got my plan.  I've packed my lunch.  My food is accounted for in myfitnesspal.com.    I have exercise planned.  I know what to do and I'm going to do it!

It's December and I'm making a vow to propel myself 100 miles this month.  I reached the 100 mile mark this way:
    1.  I plan on running three times a week. 2-3 miles each run.  So I figured to count 7 miles a week for running.   That's at least 28 miles for the month.
    2.  That leaves me about 72 miles.  Eighteen miles a week. I'm planning on jumping on the exercise bike.  My bike workds...but the computer doesn't...so I can't get an accurate reading on how many miles.  I'm planning on counting a half hour as 5 miles.  (When it worked I was doing about a 15 miles an hour...so I'm actually probably cutting myself short...but I'd rather error on the side of caution)  Sooooo....about 1 hour and 45 minutes on the exercise bike a week.  I've got that.

So Decembers weekly work out plan.......

*Exercise bike=  at least two hours
*Zumba = two times
*Running =  three times

Everything else (walking, gym, extra zumba) is icing on the cake.

Hold me to it!!!!

For the love of Scales

I used to weigh myself everyday. However this time around I'm not weighing as much.  I am definitely weighing on Sundays (I have to report my weigh in to a group I am a member of) and also on Mondays which is my official weigh in day.   I have to admit that I have taken a couple sneak peaks throughout the weeks.  I've been OK with that.  It's all been good.  Until this Wednesday that is.  I stepped on the scales.  240.9.  What???? That is 1.1 pounds up!   What in the world?  I ate right.  I exercised.  Could it have been that I exercised the evening before AND ate a late meal???    I swallowed my disappointment and continued onward. I was in my caloric budget and I exercised again.    Wanting to erase the negative scale report from my mind I hopped onto the scales on Thursday morning.  Surely the scales would show some love.  But no...those scales were EXACTLY the same as Wednesday morning. 240.9  Seriously?   What in the world! OK, OK, OK Same thing...evening exercise...late meal.  Surely that was the reason.    Disappointed but not willing to let the scales win I plodded on.  This morning (Friday) I hopped onto the scales.  I KNEW that this scale travesty would definitely right itself today.  Seriously.  It had to!  I've done everything right. I've exercised...I've eaten right. I'm DOING IT!   All scale procedures followed (seriously...don't we all strip down to nothing,  pee and get every drop of waste out of us before hopping on the scales.....don't act like you don't!...cuz I know you do!.......) I stepped onto the scales.  I felt like doing a drum roll as I waited for the scales to register my weight.  And then it did.  I looked down.......and what wonderful number did my eyes behold?   THE EXACT SAME  weight.   Holy crud-a-moley! My mind immediately started to mess with me.  240.9.  What are the odds that my weight didn't move even a stinkin' ounce in the last three days.  Wait...is my scale broke.....will it not go lower???  I immediately rejected that idea because the other day it did register me in the 230's.   But then the next idea rolled into my mind.  240.9 is obviously the weight that I'm intended to be.  It will not drop any further.  240.9...this is it I guess.   Yeah my mind is warped....if you didn't know that before you do now!   

That negative talk though is getting me no where.  My mind is screaming at me to just give up  240.9 is where my body obviously wants me.  But I'm not going to give in to the temptation to listen to that negative self talk.  I am doing what I need to be doing for my health.  I'm going to keep doing that.  Besides...it's not even my official weigh in day.  So I don't know what my official number will be.  Seriously...all of this scale badness could right itself by Monday!   The choice is mine...give up or continue on and be healthy and damn the number on the scales.







 I'm choosing to damn the scales.  The scales are JUST a number.  It is not a true testament to the effort that I'm putting in.  Yeah, I know that the numbers on the scales WILL follow along with my effort.  But it just may not do it in the time frame that I personally find satisfactory.  But taking the scales out of the equation.   I have successfully completed week 2  of the couch to 5k program....I'm starting to run.  ME...a runner!   I'm smiling more throughout my days.  These last five weeks of having my food addiction under control has brought about a more self confident happy person.  I WANT to smile.  I WANT to sing.  It's not an effort to do these things.  I feel alive.  I feel confident and ready to actually face the world with my head held high.  I actually WILLINGLY take my picture (OK OK OK...face shots...lol).  I know that my 13 pounds (well 12 as of today) isn't really visible yet....it's the self confidence that is inside me blossoming and growing that is making amendable to picture taking.  So my question.....even if the scales NEVER show anything lower than 240.9.......aren't I still a winner????



Cathy nominated me for the Liebster Award....I figured it would be fun to play along.....

Here’s how it works-
The rules:
Each blogger posts 11 random facts about themselves.
Answer the questions the tagger has set for you
Choose 11 new bloggers to pass the award to/nominate
Come up with 11 new questions to ask your nominees
Go to their page and tell them about the award.
No tag backs!

11 Random Facts:

1.  I love "I Love Lucy"  My pets are all named after the show.  Sometimes it's funny because the show will be on and they will hear their name (Lucy, Desi, Ethel, WinniFRED, and Mertz) and they will jump up and stare at the tv because it's talking directly to them.

2. I am a bit sarcastic.  (just a bit mind you).  My husband doesn't get sarcasm (how did I end up with him...haa haa haa).

3. I used to be an elementary school teacher.  I left the profession.  It took me at least 10 years before I could even talk about the experience without crying......my last year was that traumatic.

4.  I like to write.  I have a novel in the works...I'm pretty excited about it...but just need to work on discipline to sit down and actually WORK on it.

5.  I am a jack of all trades...master of none.  I dabble in quilt making, cross stitch, crochet, scrapbooking, photography, etc etc etc.  I know enough about each of them to do a pretty good job.
6.  I get compliments for my photography..... but seriously....I just mash the button and hope for the best sometimes....and those pictures are some of my most amazing shots!  (ROFLMAO)

7.  I read....ALL the time.  I never thought I would switch to digital books...but I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kindle...and since switching to digital about a year and a half ago have not looked back and read EVERYTHING on my kindle.

8.  I am a kid at heart.  I don't know that I will ever really grow up.

9.  I always wanted kids.  It breaks my heart that circumstances have kept me from having that opportunity.

10.  I have a love hate relationship with living in the country. I like country life for it's openness...and the garden...and the seclusion.  I hate it for the critters and for having to drive 20 minutes to go anywhere (groceries, stores, gas)

11.  I gave up eating most meat.  Simply because a cow looked at me with the most gentle eyes.....and I knew that I couldn't do it.  I couldn't eat anything with such benign gentle eyes!

Questions that Cathy asked:
1.Are you a cat or a dog person?  Cat cat cat!
2.What is your favorite workout?  Zumba....it's a social thing too
3.What do you do for "me" time? READ
4.If you won the lottery (the really big one) who would be the first person you told? And why?  My husband.  It would change things in our life.....give more freedom for choices that need to be made
5.What is the strangest thing you can think about yourself? (What do you do, what do you own, etc)  Everything about me is strange.  haa haa haa
6. If you could go back in time and change anything, would you? What would you change?  I would have worked to lose the weight years upon years earlier
7. What is your greatest accomplishment?  Losing the weight the first time around
8. What was your favorite toy as a child? Dolls....any doll
9 Are you close with your family? Why or why not?  VERY.  Why?  because I love them!
10.  Empty your purse . . . what is in it?   money, debit card, sunglasses, chapstick, three checkbooks, a small calander,
11.  How did you start blogging?   I started blogging simply for me.  It was an online journal for myself. I never expected anyone to read it.

My Questions:

1.  If you could change one thing in your life what would it be?
2.  What is your favorite color?
3.  If you could go on a vacation anywhere in the world...where would it be?  Why?
4.  What is your favorite thing about your body?
5.  If you were shopping right now..what store/department would you be in?
6.  Favorite type of book to read?
7.  Longest distance you have ever ridden on a bike?
8.  Glasses, contacts or perfect vision?
9.  Toenails...painted or au natural?
10.  Best thing about your life?
11.  What kind of car do you drive?

My picks:  (dang this is hard, I read so many blogs)

Fixing myself Thinner
The Journey to a New Me
Paulawannacracker
Fatt 2 Fitt after 5
Losing the Shadow Behind
The Voices Within Unleashed
Body Works
Bringing Pretty Back
Dutch Girl is Healthy
Healthy Lovin
Timothology

Frustrations Understood??????

At my meeting last night I ended up showing a gain of 4.6 pounds. Yep, I gained just about 5 pounds! I was sharing with some of my friends that I'm just incredibly frustrated. I am eating aimlessly, mindlessly and simply without reason. I shared that I see a food and even though I just may have eaten a full meal..the thought of that other food is in my head and I MUST have it. WEIRD. I talked to her about how I see food in the kitchen and I just want it....for example, if I see the apples sitting innocently on the counter....it may trigger me to think Apple PIe...and then I must get the ingredients and make one! My eating is not a thing of needing or desiring physically....it's totally mental. I mentally want this food...there is nothing physical about it! And I keep eating until I'm sick!

I was then sharing with another friend my frustrations and how sick I get of people telling me to 'listen to my body for the signal that it is full'. What the heck???? I"ve been waiting for that signal for AGES....and I have never heard that call. I shared with her a story...true life and it had just happened to me the night before. I got home from work and made dinner for Todd and I. I ate dinner....a nice healthy amount....nothing skimpy probably more than I should have. ANd of course after dinner I cleaned up. I"m still washing dishes by hand as my dishwasher connection is still not up and running. NO problem. I finished washing the dishes and realized that I had meant to make a perogi casserole for Tuesday night. That involved me peeling potatoes, cooking them and making mashed potatoes.....along with sauteing onions and cooking noodles (ok, so it isn't the healthiest casserole...it's delicious though!). SO it was at least a good 30-45 minutes before I had that mess all cleaned up. I looked over and saw the loaf of bread. That trigged the thought about how good toast tastes.....so I up and had some toast. Now remember, I had just eaten a full meal about an hour or so earlier. (yes, fully balanced...protein, veggies, controlled carbs, etc etc etc) There was no way on this earth that I needed that toast. You can't say that my stomach had not caught up to what I ate...it was freakin' 45 minutes later! What was up with that? Well, I went to the computer and I was checking email and playing some games online and about 30-40 minutes later I stumbled across a recipe for muffins that sounded interesting. (yes, those blue cheese muffins mentioned in my previous post). Wow...muffins sound good....Ill go make some. Yes, I ate one! WHy...I now have had about an hour and a half for my stomach to catch up!!!! What's up with this. Oh yes.....a little later I had an ice cream bar...oh and I had some candy. WHY? I couldn't be hungry.....this was not a physical thing....and why the heck wasn't I feeling full after all this time????? SO I was relating to my friend that I just dont' ever feel full...not matter what I seem to do.

My friend looked at me and and actually understood. She didn't laugh like some people do. SHe didn't scoff and say, 'you'll learn...or you just need to 'listen'" she actually mentioned an article that she had read a while back about them identifying a gene that if it is missing causes the 'full' message to not get to the brain. WOAH doggie..this sounds like me.

I was extremely excited about this because I've been talking to my mom quite a bit recently about the fact that I never feel full. I will simply eat until I"m sick...unless I stop myself just becuase I know that I"ve had enough based solely on the amount that I ate and not how I feel. What really brought it to the forefront is because my sisterinlaw or brother had told my mom that my young nephew (1 year old...who is now eating 'adult' food) simply keeps eating unti he is pretty much miserable and sick. THey have to physically remove him from the food area...or remove the food from in front of him. That sparked me to think about the fact this may be something more genetic.

So, this morning when I couldn't sleep, I got up and got online and started researching. I found that they have identified a gene that creates a hormone called obestatin that is made in the stomach and small intestine and it seems to prompt the brain to send out a signal that says 'eat less"....the full signal. Ironically enough the article mentioned that this same gene also produced the hormone called ghrelin...and this is the exact opposite of obestatin...this hormone gives the hungry signal. SO I started thinking......have I ever been truely hungry. No...I dont' think so. I eat because it's "time" to eat.....or socially....or because I get a 'bee' in my bonnet for some food sinply because I love food. But, if I'm occupied I could go hours and days without food and not miss it...and not be feeling miserable without it. IN fact, my first year at BNYC (youth conference) I didnt' eat anything for a week. I didn't want anything...I was too busy and occupied to eat. I wasn't sick I wasn't hungry...I simply didn't eat. BUT, am I thinking this because I'm grasping at straws looking for an answer to these questions.

My questions prompted me to call my mom. I didn't tell her why I was asking these questions...but I asked her if she ever truely felt hungry. SHe started laughing a bit and was said, "when we had the restaurant, I made acomment that I was never hungry...I just ate because." She went on to relate that my grandmother and everyone at the restaurant at that time just laughed and laughed and laughed and called her crazy! I of course have already talked to her in depth about feeling full....she never feels full either.

OH MY WORD! HAVE I FOUND SOME OF THE REASONS FOR THIS WEIGHT MESS I"M IN???

IT makes absolute sense to me. The pieces click. The information that I read states that they are going to try to work on a drug that can synthetically give us these hormones that we are missing. I'm not excited to have that option...I'm tickled because I now understand why I struggle with how much I eat. I knwo I'm not crazy. And I know that no matter how many times someone tells me to 'listen to my body' I don't have to feel inferior and sit at home fretting because I can't 'hear' my body.

So today I really listened to my body. I woke up at 6am and I was putzing around the house. I was busy and occupied......I thought about food. I knew what I was going to have for breakfast...but I listened to how my body felt. NOTHING. I finally ate at 9am simply because I know that I need to eat to remain healthy. How did I feel after I ate....the same as before I ate. Todd and I went to town and did a few errends. We got home at about 12:30. I had listened to my body the whole time in town. Was I hungry...did I feel any differently...nope. I ate lunch (making sure it was balanced with everything to make it a healthy meal). I stopped eating simply because my 'alloted food' was already eaten! How did I feel aferwards.....the same. No difference in how I felt. Todd and I hiked up Maryland Heights to the overlook. It was a stenuous hike up the side of a mountain....from the bottom to the top. And then back down. When it was over did I feel hungry or any differently? No. We took a drive and went out to dinner. Was I hungry? NO. HOw did I feel after I ate my dinner...which I ate because I knew I had to eat to remain healthy...and because I like the food at that restaurant)....NO DIFFERENT!

It is a relief! Todd was sitting there talking about how full he was.....and I had no feelings like that. In the past, I've always wanted to cry when this happens because it makes me feel like a glutton. But tonight it made sense.

One other thing that makes sense....I've lost a considerable amount of weight.....and I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I did it because I simply ate my alloted points and then stopped. So it is possible to succeed even with this issue. It also makes sense why I hated core and why I gained on the core plan. ANY food...even the healthy ones can turn into bad ones when you can't stop....and since I was looking for that 'full' feeling....because on core you can eat until your full/satisfied....I was looking for something that I was never going to feel.

As for my satisfaction with eating. It is not in how I 'feel'....it's in my happiness with the taste of the foods that I just ate. When I leave a restaurant and I'm satisfied....it's because I enjoyed the food. When I say I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied with the experience.

I think just knowing this, will help me because I now will not waste my time on waiting for that full/satisfied feeling. I know I just need to eat what is a healthy amount (based on my points) and stop there. THAT is what will work. Simply feeding myself what I should be eating and not going over that.

One more skipped

Yes, I skipped my weight watchers meeting tonight. IT was.....uhhhhh...raining. That's why! Seriously, I KNOW that I gained big time this past week. I'm talking about 5 pounds of gainage! That is so uncool. I find myself once again at 187 pounds. NOT COOL! This past week is totally me. I did it to myself. I can place the blame nowhere but squarely on my shoulders. THe only thing...it's made me look back some at the last few months. My standard MO seems to be that I lose and get to the low 180's....and then hit a brick wall. I work at it for a few weeks or so and get frustrated...so i have a crazy eating week and gain back to the mid to upper 180's......and then start again...lose until I"m in the lower 180's (or even high 170's) and then hit that brick wall again. Knowing this...I've got to perservere through that period and break through that wall.

The other thing I've been thinking about....am I subconciously sabataging myself in this weight loss thing. I'm so close.....relatively speaking! And all of a sudden I'm stalled dead in the water. Being this close I should be so super motivated to finish this off....but I'm not....I lay really good plans...and then don't follow through. My willpower...well, my lack of willpower is what needs to be discussed!

Speaking of plans. I had the most wonderful idea for dinner tonight. I was making pizza. So I decided to put the toppings tha Todd likes on 3/4 of the pizza. I hate those toppings and won't touch a piece of pizza that has those toppings cluttering it up and messing up the taste (mushrooms and green peppers). Todd would then have leftovers for lunch on some upcoming day...and I wouldn't eat more than what I shoudl have. I had this plan set.......did I do it???? NO, when the time came, I made it 1/2 and 1/2.....and I ate my half! ARRGGHHHH WHY? Why do I do this. WHen I think about it, I think that I did it because "I love pizza" and I want to have as much as I can. I need to keep reminding myself that if I learn to control my intake, I can have pizza a heck of a lot more than I do now.....I can't have it a lot now because I have no control over my portion size...or intake!

So, you may be wondering how I was able to gain 5 pounds in a week. Well....last Wednesday I didn't do too badly, a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner. The problems began on Thursday with the baking of a cake int he morning (and the batter.....big temptation for me)....and the decorating of the cake in the evening (icing.....big temptation). On Friday at work I had a piece of said cake and also participated in the potluck. Friday evening it was cookie making (from 6PM until about 10PM....ahh yummy cookie dough). Saturday was cookie day. Sunday...well....Sunday was sample day at Sam's Club and mudslides in the evening. Monday.....a co-worker brought taco dip into work....super yummy and another one brought in a lime cake (surprisingly tasty). Oh yes, and I treated my husband by making a raspberry cobbler for dinner. Tuesday...I was able to resist all the tempation at work (leftovers) but that last piece of cobbler reached out and grabbed me! I HAVE to stop this trend. I'm noticing that once I start with the sweet things, that stopping the 'habit' or trend or whatever I want to call it is just really difficult!

Watched The Biggest Loser tonight. These people are doing it.....and Ali did it at home for quite a while...I can do this also!

I'm pushing to go to the gym tomorrow! That would help kick start my workouts! I've been so lax on those also! Yes, I've literally fallen apart!

Meanwhile, I hadn't been reading peoples blogs online...and one in particular I had stopped reading because there were no new entries. Well, I decided to clean out my 'fav's and checked hers to make sure that it truely was a dead blog. Well, she had posted a message giving the information for her new blog site. Well..this lady had originally been 300 some pounds...and lost quite a bit of weight...had been down below 200. I haven't checked out her blog for MONTHS......and like I said I just found her. I about fell off my chair when I opened up the blog....she's gained it all back...or almost all. She is hovering right at 300 pounds. How easilly and quickly she gained it back (we are talking 6 months.....100 pounds!) That scares me! Will that happen to me?

NOw that I've spouted my doom and gloom and bad stuff I'm going to go surf the net. It's 11:30...and I"m wide awake. I tried to go to bed and sleep after The BIggest Loser...and it just wasn't happening. TOdd has suffered from some insomnia lately...he's snoring away tonight and here I am...wide awake! ANd really thirsty for some reason. Ususally when I go to bed I don't need anything to drink. Not tonight.....I've had about 3 glasses of water since 9PM...weird! Which means when I do fall asleep...I'll be up every hour thereafter in the bathroom! Joy Joy!

Learning from past history

I'm going back and reading through all my blog entries. In some ways it's interesting and cool to see how far I've come. In other ways I'm amazed at how much I still struggle in some areas. In some cases, things that I seemingly conquered back a year or more ago with this weight loss struggle has reared its ugly head again. Well, that only goes to show me that I will need to be on gaurd for the rest of my life if I want to keep this weight off! That makes me think of something that I read online here the other day. They were talking about motivation and what motivates them. The whole premise was 'How badly do you want it?'. When it comes down to it you could be saying something like , I don't want to exercise.....and in response...."how badly do i want it? And if I'm asking myself, a piece of fruit or a bag of chips? The answer should always be "How badly do I want it" It goes both ways....How badly do I want that piece of fruit. But more importantly...How badly to I want to lose the weight. There will be sacrifices along this journey....but if I want it badly...and that outweighs the desire to eat or not exercise or whatever...then it should be a simple choice.

Had a super yummy lunch today. Yeah, that sound really trite and almost like I'm trying to talk myself into it. HOwever, when I finished my lunch, I literally said, "wow...that was really good". I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, corn, and steamed brocolli. Yeah, it may not sound like a good combination to some...but it was delish (as Rachel Ray would say........and why in the world did I even think of that...since I'm not a big Rachel Ray fan...haa haa haa). Tonight for dinner we are having something called a meal...not sure what to call it....but it has ground turkey, pasta, sourcream, zuchinni, green peppers, salsa....it's also super yummy! (And Todd says that it reheats REALLY well..so the leftovers will be eaten by him for lunch a day or so after we have this meal). I'll probably serve it with Peas or green beans and I think our fruit will be grapes (gotta finish them off before they go soft on me). Yeah, green beans would be a better choice...but I'm hungry for peas. :-)

Ok....The last weigh in I went to I showed a gain of like 2 pounds. Then we were on our mini vacation...and I gained 5 pounds. That is so uncool. I had vowed that I would be ok as long as I stayed within 5 pounds of my lowest. Well, I freaked out....because I went over my self imposed 5 pounds. So...I've worked hard and all but .4 of that gain (BOTH gains) is gone. I'm point four pounds away from my lowest ever weight. I'm ecstatic with that! Tickled pink. Dancing a jig. Oh well, you get the point! That puts me at 56 weight watchers pounds gone....with a grand total of 116 pounds GONE. What a difference that makes in life! In how I feel, act,...all aspects of my life.

We had an interesting call last night. It was the c&o canal association. They are having a big hike nearby (on the c&o canal obviously). Last year at this hike apparently they had one hiker that was out and they had to send out the park police to go figure out why the person hadn't come off the towpath yet. So this year they were looking for a different alternative to try not have to utilze the park police. So they asked if Todd and I could do a sweep on our bikes of the area that everyone is to be hiking. It sounds like fun. I'm only hoping for good weather. It's a week from Tomorrow...on Nov. 3. It could conceivably be cold. And if today's weather is any indication...quite damp! That would be miserable. Todd and I agreed to do it regardless.....we can always go home, take a nice hot shower and feel better. :-) I'm looking foward to the ride. :-)

Results of a vacation and family visit!

Yes, the unofficial results are in. I've gained.....I've uhhh gained a fair amount. Uhhhh I'm no longer in onederland! I'm pretty bummed about it. I never wanted to see that 2 as my first number in my weight again. NEVER. ANd here I am just a few weeks later back in twooterville! ARGHHHH! I'm determined to get rid of it as quickly as possible....... nothing drastic or unhealthy of course! I'm hoping to at least hold onto onederland for my official weigh in. I'm not that far off of onederland so it is possible! I"m hoping that a lot of it is water retention....from not drinking enough and from more salty food! I can hope eh? I actually feel that I didn't eat too poorly. Yes, I did have my much coveted and dreamed about piece of Shoo Fly Pie...but I ate complete veggie meals. I ate fruit cups for breakfast...etc etc etc! Soooo that is where I stand.

It has showed me that I really don't have total control over my food yet! I've still got a long ways to go in my mental journey to losing weight!

It'll be ok

Yes, it will be ok. I gained 2.2 pounds this week (actually over the last two weeks). Am I disappointed???? Highly. But, at least I expected it. I refuse to let it get me down though. I'm just going to redouble my efforts and get it off! I know I can do it!