Cracker Debacle

Yesterday I got home.  My food was planned out and I knew what I was doing.  I made my dinner which was grilled cheese and tomato soup.  I didn't have the calories planned in for crackers in my soup...and I've eaten it without crackers so it didn't bother me.  However, I sat down at the table and I couldn't stop myself.  I WANTED crackers in my soup.  I ate them....not just one or two...I ate probably 20-25 crackers.  (yeah, I like a LOT of crackers in my tomato soup...I eat the crackers out and then put more in......sad isn't it?)  I then made a fruit dip and prepped some fruit and even though I was full and kicking myself for  my cracker debacle I ate about 2tbs of the dip and a few strawberries.  And yes...that was my binge/splurge....crackers, fruit dip and fruit.  I knocked about 200 extra calories for my day.  I was beating myself up over this and immediately sent an email to my friend Sherry  (I had to email her a link anyway...and check up on her progress) who talked me down from the ledge  and made me see that 1. I probably needed those extra calories (I had exercised so I was still under my calorie goal for the day) and 2.  Even if I didn't need them that my splurge was laughable in reality...looking at what my splurges USED to be.  Thank you Sherry!!!!  In talking to her we discussed her day and her urges and desires too.  We both talked about how this is a journey that we are on..but it is also a thing of us learning how to deal with life pressures and the normal ebb and flow of our cycles (which DOES affect our hunger)...just life.  This journey is NOT a race to the finish line...this journey is about learning how to eat and be healthy within the restrictions of life!

Today is a potluck at work...it's a birthday celebration.  We are celebrating my managers birthday...my manager is also working on her weight. SO I was able to steer everyone  to bring to  more healthy flair.   One gal is bringing some Asian Turkey Lettuce wraps. (it is a recipe from the cooking light magazine...she's brought them before....one is roughly 140 calories).  I have one girl bringing a veggie tray.  I'm bringing  fruit tray (thus the fruit dip and fruit).  I don't know what the other gal is bringing...she's one that is actually trying to GAIN weight...so who knows.  I've got this potluck by the horns and I'm going to ROCK my eating today!  Why yes, that is grapes, apples, pineapple and strawberries with the fruit dip in the center.  The fruit dip is only 18 calories per tbs. LOVE it!




Took a sneak peak on the scales this morning...I'm down but not as much as I thought...but no worries...I've got until Monday before my official weigh in!  Plus, I woke up incredibly thirsty...and that usually doesn't mean good things on the scales for me.  Water.....soooo important to our existence!!!!!


I have to say that I'm very happy that today is my rest day.  I need the rest....we all do in our journeys.  I was thinking about my week of exercise and thinking..wow..I did so much.  Then it hit me....I always do 3-4 zumba sessions...and have been for three years.   I've been consistently doing the running thing for the last four weeks too.  I only added in two 30 minute sessions on the elliptical.  Crazy.   Am I nuts????  And even though I'm glad for the rest day....part of me is itching to do something...anything!!!!!!   Nope...nothing taxing for me today!  :-)

I'll leave with a photo of the prettiest cat.  Lucy is getting old.  Makes me sad to think about losing my cat.  She is 16 and is suffering from arthritis.  But I LOVE her attitude.  She is too proud to let it stop her.  She refuses to use the steps I put for her to get onto bed.  The sad part..she jumps down and you can her her thump when she hits...she used to be graceful and light as a feather.  BUT her attitude is great.  She enjoys being the matriarch of the cats and takes her duties seriously!

Don't mess with the cheese!

Well, it took me almost two months for the knee pain to rear it's ugly head.  It's arthritis.  I'm not injured.  I'm just dealing with one of the fallouts from having at one time weighing over 300 pounds. I'm dealing with the fallout of currently being in the obese category in terms of my weight.  I know that the more weight I lose the less pain I'll feel in that knee.  I also know that the more I build up the muscles around that knee the less I'll struggle.   Experience tells me that the pain drifts away to almost nothing the more weight I lose.  So I'm just working around it.  I'm not on this journey to push myself toward inhat this pain is....and I know that I'm not hurting myself further by pushing through that pain.  So out comes the knee brace.  I'm prepared and ready to face this!!!! 

The alarm went off the crack of dawn this morning. Todd's first words were "Do you still want to go to the gym?"  As badly as I wanted to say no, I sucked it in and said "why of course!"  Life may be crazy, it may have been early, my knee may have hurt, my bed was so toasty....but when it boils down to it.  If I want to live this lifestyle with any success, I have to learn how to work around those issues and obstacles!!!   Yes, we went to the gym.  Bring on another day of my week 4 on C25K!   I did that.  It was rough....my legs were heavy, but I pushed through it.  My breathing did well!  woo hoo!   After my run, I moved to the elliptical and dang if that half hour wasn't a killer.   I have a day of rest upcoming...and while I'm on a roll and WANT to continue on my mission, I'm on the other hand looking forward to my day of rest!

The last two days I have eaten breakfast at home about about 7:30 or 8 AM.  I get to work and by 11 AM I am ravenous.  On Tuesday I was just hungry.  On Wednesday my stomach actually hurt with the hunger.  Yeah, I'm kinda shocked too that my body gets to that point that it's hurting with hunger. Once again, I pulled out the 'emergency' pretzels.  Luckily for me they were already counted out and portion controlled (from Tuesday's snack) so it was easy to stay within my budget.  And actually I had enough calories in my day once again to accommodate eating the pretzels.  So all was well.
I'm ok with eating a snack.  If I have the points there is nothing wrong with having a  extra snack.  My question though is this?  Why am I getting so hungry so very soon after breakfast. (hmmm could it be the fact that I restarted taking some vitamins each day?  (drat, I forgot it this morning) The last two days I've had toast for breakfast ...I've paired it each day with a serving of fruit.  I love toast and I've never had a problem with toast not holding me over.  I've had problems with cold cereal not holding me over....but never toast.  Before I go further..... Eggs disgust me...I can't stand the taste.  I don't like meat.......I don't like milk......I don't.....    Holy hell, I'm a darn picky eater!  Breakfast is the worst meal for me in terms of what I will eat.

 Actually I would be happy going with a vegan lifestyle except for a few small issues. (ok pretty big ones)
Surprisingly, it's not the milk.  While I don't like the taste, I do cook with it all the time.  However, we already have our refrigerator stocked with Almond Milk (husband has digestive issues...milk is a no no and soy doesn't digest easily...almond is the way to go). I have no problem cooking with Almond milk.  I've not come up with a recipe that doesn't work with the almond milk.   My issues with veganism....
*eggs-  I cook with eggs all the time. I have no problem eating them if they are an ingredient in something.
* cheese-  I can't even fathom giving up cheese.  NO NO NO.  I love my cheese!  I've tried the soy cheeses nothing even comes close in comparison!
*  soy-tofu-mushrooms-  ewww ewww ewww  They are the generally accepted substitutes and I can't stand them....hurl-o-rama.

So for now I will just continue with my quasi/half vegan lifestyle.....Don't mess with the cheese!

On Tuesday woke up and I just did NOT want to go to work.  I laid in bed. I lounged around.  I just did NOT want to go.  My muscles were sore.  Nothing major....achy soreness from using them.  Actually, not even so much soreness...just an achy overall tired feeling.  Worse than anything, I just felt exhausted and worn out.

I made it to work, promising my husband that if I didn't feel up to zumba tonight that I would forgo the fun.  I looked at him and just laughed.  He should know by now that I know how to stop and take care of myself.  I'm not a sadist.  (OK, maybe my three hours of exercise from Monday states otherwise).

By 11:30 I was STARVING.  I sat and thought about it a while....and at 11:30 I realized that it was a true hungriness.  I pulled out and emergency pack of pretzels that I keep at my desk.  I looked at the calorie count.   Holy moley!  230 calories!  I typically only eat 1300 calories a day.  That 230 would be a huge percentage of my daily calorie allotment.  I looked at MPF to see where I stood.  I had room for 1/2 of the bag.  I WANTED those pretzels.  I debated.  I wanted the whole bag!  I wanted to eat every pretzel and then lick the bag clean.  I warred with myself.  I KNEW I was hungry.  I knew I wanted to eat.  But I know where I want to be in life and in this weight loss journey.


As badly as I wanted...I didn't do it.  I got out a napkin and laid it out on my desk.  I dumped the contents of the bag out and I started counting out the pretzels.  One in the bag, one in the pile..bag pile...bag pile...bag pile....back and forth. (Actually I think I counted by twos...I'm smart that way ya know).  I quickly folded the 1/2 bag of pretzels and put them aside.  I ate my half bag and that did the trick.  That snack held me off until it was time for my lunch (I typically eat a later lunch, especially on zumba nights).   I'm extremely proud of me for counting out the pretzels AND only eating 1/2 of the bag!

Too costly?

Today I'm paying the price.  Yesterday morning Todd and I headed to the gym.  I worked out....pushing myself. My heart rate was up there and I felt good.  It was  good workout.  I put in about an hour at the gym.   Being as yesterday was a bank holiday I had off work.  Todd and I came back to the house after the gym and we relaxed a bit throughout the afternoon, just watching TV and hanging out.   Typically on days off of work, I do a double session (two straight one hour classes versus the one class that I typically can work into my schedule).  I thought about it all afternoon.  A double session?  Or should I take into account that I had already had a pretty intense workout in the morning?   Decisions decisions decisions.

I had stuck to pretty much straight cardio at the gym in the morning.  I KNEW I was going to go to the second zumba session with is actually zumba sentao.  That is usually a pretty good upper body workout (lots of tricep dips and pushups...amongst other torturous moves)  So I knew that pushing my body on the weight machines wouldn't be a good thing...I didn't want to head into that session of sentao with aching arms.  So my decision wasn't based around the second class...that class was never in debate.  My debate was for the first class.  That class was zumba with some zumba toning songs included into the rotation of songs.  Todd kept asking me throughout the afternoon what my plans were.  I kept saying I didn't know.  I didn't know for sure until about an hour before the class...and then I knew.


I was going to go for broke.  What's the worst that would happen? If my body couldn't handle it, I would just stop.   I headed into the first session and I felt really good.  My legs were responding and I felt pretty good.  It was almost as if I hadn't worked out in the morning.  My foot started hurting pretty badly toward the end of that session.  I just ignored it.  You see, my foot has been bothering me for about a year now.  I just push through it.  :-)  Pretty soon the first hour was done.  I got my chair ready and in position for the sentao hour.  It started.  I was moving but about half way into that hour I felt myself totally run out of steam.  My legs felt like they were dead weight.  I pushed through it.  I was NOT going to give up.  I was whipped, but I was NOT going to let it win.  I focused.  I moved.  I constantly thought about my exercise motto... "mind over matter."  I knew that I was tired, but I knew that my body was not in danger....while my intensity level had  threatened to waver, I knew that I was technically OK. I forced myself to maintain my intensity level.   Quitting was NOT an option.   Praying for it to end WAS an option.  haa haa haa.   I persevered.  I made it!  I conquered something that I would have thought impossible for me.  Will I do it again?  Probably not...it's a bit extreme...but I DID IT!

I came home and boy was I tired.  But the real consequences didn't hit until this morning when I went to get out of bed. Eii yii yii!   My body has this weird feeling of heaviness and achiness.  Three hours of intense exercise worked my muscles!   The cost of my three hours.....soreness! So was that too costly????   No....I did something I never thought I would do!!!! There were also some good aspects!  I got to eat extra food (I normally don't eat many of my earned exercise calories....I ate about 400-500 earned calories....not quite even one workout worth of earned calories).  Ohh...and with the pain I wanted to see what happened on the scales.  One more pound off my body.  :-)  (That's not an official weight loss...just a sneak peak).

So what's my plan for today?   Well...lets just say I'm packing my gym bag to take to work....zumba tonight after work! 

Fear and happiness

I decided that it was time to rejoin the gym.  Todd and I debated about which gym to go to. OK, Todd never debated...I did.  When I originally started the healthy lifestyle thing, we joined Gold's Gym.   We both liked it but we spent a LOT of money each month for the two of us.  After a few years we decided to move to a gym that was  bit closer...thus we tried out South Point Fitness.  It was small and cramped and Todd hated working out there, he said it made him claustrophobic.  We left there and switched to the ultra cheap Planet Fitness.  That wasn't so bad...for a no frills gym, but eventually as money became even more tight we dropped that (plus there was an issue with a worker and Todd that wasn't pretty and Todd complained about the gym the whole time...said he didn't like the vibe).  We went gymless for a while.   We went back to Gold's (which is substantially cheaper now).   And there have already been a few lessons that I would like to share.

Lesson number one.  I was talking to the guy that signed us up.  I mentioned that I was doing the couch to 5k training program and that it was working, I wasn't fast and it wasn't by any means pretty, but I was doing it.   He looked at me and his words were "I think it's splendid, you've already lapped everyone that's sitting on their couch!"    You know....that is totally right!   I sat around for so many months and years of my life and I let myself be lapped over and over again. Why?   Fear kept me down.  I was afraid I would look retarded.  I was afraid I would fail.  I was just afraid.  But you know what....sitting on the couch doing nothing is what I SHOULD have beeen afraid of!  I am up and moving.  There is no way in hell that my actions will hold me back......the only thing that holds me back is inactivity!

Lesson number two wasn't really a lesson, but rather just a thought that flitted through my mind.  Today is  bank holiday, so of course I'm off work.  We decided to head to the gym.  After my workout I went into the locker room.   And that's when I realized.   I don't fear the gym.  I will go and push myself and feel confident that I'm doing my best.  What I fear?  I fear the locker room.  I always chose a locker that's off in  corner and hope and pray that the area will be uninhabited when it comes time for me to change after my workout.   And eii yii yii..the showers???   ~~shudder~~    So today I walked into the locker room.  I set my stuff down and walked over to the sinks so that I could take  look at myself.  You see, I was trying to figure out if I could forgo taking a shower after my workout (when I used to workout at the gym I only showered at the gym once.....fear you know.....even though it's irrational and I know it!) I walked to that mirror THREE times....dreading it.  But I knew that we had some plans and errands after the gym and I really needed to do something......greasy sweaty hair is not a good pretty sight.  After my shower, I started to think about it.  Seriously?  What do I fear?  It's absolutely NUTS!    I'm not going to live my life with irrational fears.  I'm going to push myself and the world better as hell watch out because I'm going to emerge from this cacoon strong and ready to kick ass!
 OK upon rereading this for a quick edit, I just realized that lesson one and two are both me facing my fears.  Interesting.
I've been saying that our happiness has to come from inside and not due to any amount of exercise or weight loss.  I've said it can't come from a job...or a spouse...or material possessions.  It really does come from within.  Apparently George Washington felt the same!

BRRRRRR

Ohhh my word.  It was cold!  I woke up before the alarm this Sunday morning.  I laid in bed and thought about my planned run.   I checked the weather.  Holy cow wind chill of 12 degrees F.   Seriously?   That's cold!   I even got up and looked out the window to make sure everything was clear. Didn't appear to be icy!  But for the most part I laid in my toasty warm bed.   I never wavered in my determination though.  I knew that when the alarm went off  that I would bound out of bed, get dressed and head out the door to meet my friend Sherry for our Sunday morning run and walk.   So the alarm went off.....and just like planned I rolled out of bed and started to bundle up!   Yup, I went out jogging at an ungodly hour on a Sunday morning in the bitter cold.   Did I mention that it t was COLD!  Normally we do our training session and then walk some more to chit chat.  However, have I mentioned the cold???   We did our run, chit chatted for a few scant minutes and we headed home.  My hands and body is still chilled an hour later! (OK, I haven't hit up the shower yet...soon)   

The run actually wasn't all that bad with the cold.  (ok, who m I kidding....lol)   My eyes watered the whole time.  Looked like I was crying in misery...but no, I felt ALIVE!   I particularly love this picture because you can see a tear rolling down my cheek!  Sherry and I decided to go into the week blind with no clue of what we were running......I just looked it up. 
5 minute warm up.
Run 3 minutes
Walk 90 seconds
Run 5 minutes
Walk 2.5 minutes
Run 3 minutes
Walk 90 seconds
Run 5 minutes
5 minutes cool down.
The first run was a bit rough.  My breathing never got out of control but it just wasn't right.   I tightened up my focus and the following three runs I was able to do better.  :-)  I'm getting the breathing down.  :-)  

I'm actually very happy that I am learning to run in the bitter cold. If I started in the summer by the time it started to get cold again I would probably wimp out thinking I couldn't do it....that fresh determination wouldn't be there to push me out into the cold like it is right now.   In theory, I will run through the summer and when it starts to get cold again I can know that it's not as bad as I fear....and will know that I can do it!

As for my weight.  I'm just holding steady.  Not really dropping.  It's frustrating but I have looked back.  I know different things to focus on and tweak.  I'll figure this out and this weight WILL drop sooner or later.  The scales are just slow in getting the memo that I'm putting in the work and effort to lost the weight!

It's all me

I lost weight once before. I lost a lot of weight It's all chronicled on this blog. I lost near 130 pounds. I was highly successful. I even managed to maintain that weight for a while (in fairness I was trying to lose more, but my weight remained steady). I did it! People came up to me all the time and were in shock and  awe at the transformation that I had made. Without fail these people asked me how I did it. I had my answer and I said it with happiness and joy. Without fail I answered with two words. "Weight Watchers". I thought that was acceptable. Until now. I'm not saying that weight watchers didn't play a role in my weight loss. However those two words don't encompass the hard work that I did. Me myself and I did it all!!! Those two words don't mention the will power that it took to say no to a piece of cake when I had already eaten my food budget. It didn't even hint at the hours upon hours of exercise that I put in. It didn't discuss the hours of thought, determination and focus that the feat of losing 130 pounds takes. Those two words really detract from the work that I did.  Those two words made the whole process it seem rather easy. It laid all of the praise on the organization that is known as Weight Watchers and downplayed my role in the transformation. I was the perfect spokeswoman (unpaid) for

weight watchers. And let me stop and say that the weight watchers program is wonderful. I am a lifetime member and when I get back to my goal weight I will return to meetings for the community support! However I laid all praise at the feet of the weight watcher corporation.

Weight watchers was a crutch. Weight watchers was a tool. Weight watchers was accountability.Those things are great.   However weight watchers didn't lose the weight. I did. Weight watchers don't exercise for hours in end. I did. Weight watchers didn't summon all the will power to eat healthy. I did. Me me me!


This time around I'm accepting responsibility...that means my failures are mine alone. But it also means that my successes are mine and only mine. This is all me!!  I am changing myself...and no one else is responsible....me and me alone!

The Inner workings

Up and about this morning.   I'm struggling.  I know I need to do something active....yet I just don't have the gumption to do it.  I'm sitting here on my computer instead.  GRRRR

I've been doing some thinking the last few days.   It's the same thoughts that I've been pondering so greatly the last few months.   Where am I in this grand scheme of life.  Where am I going in this life journey.  Where do I want to go.  What can I be doing to get there.    Eventually the thoughts evolved into, How can I live with what I have and maintain happy existence.  Life sucks sometimes.  And too often I've let life beat me down.  I cower in a corner and cry.  I run away from problems and ignore them.  I throw up my hands and give up.  It's human nature.  It's easier that way.  Less combative, less confrontational and I used to think less painful.    However, ignoring some of these issues in my life, or rather pushing them under the carpet (some by my own decision...others by the decisions of those around me) only brought me heartache.  I lost myself in the process.  My personality slowly crawled further and further inside me.  I feared for a while that it had died.  Each day was literally a chore as I put one foot in front of the other.  I didn't know what was out there worth living for. 
A month or two ago I was wallowing in the despair of turning 40.  Yes, 40 hit me hard. It's not so much the number, it was the realization that I had reached another milestone and my life was nowhere near what I wanted it to be.  Financially, maritally, health wise.  My life seemed like it was in the pits and I was literally despondent.  I sat back and decided that the only thing I COULD change was my weight.  I started there.  Slowly thinking about it....making changes....starting.  Taking control of my food addiction gave me the courage to look into other areas of strife within my life.   I don't have control over the other situations....but I DO have control over how I react to them.  And my reactions are what will make them slowly get better (hopefully....in theory at least) or degenerate further.  I had the courage to face one dead on.  It was rough...it still is rough...but hopefully at least one thing will be squared away within a short amount of time.

The side effect of facing these issues head on?   I find myself smiling more.  I find myself happier throughout the day.  (yeah, I still have my down moments because stress and strife is still stress and strife).  I am rediscovering who MaryFran really is...and you know what????   I kinda like her!

You see, this healthy journey is not just about muscles and fat.....it's about working out the inner demons that battle within us!   Will I eradicate these demons totally?  Probably not (although one can hope and dream).   Will I never have problems?  Of course not....that is life.   But will I make choices that allow me to work through problems instead of allowing these problems to fester within me and thereby steal who I am and my inner joy?? Absolutely....I don't want to be lost anymore!  My choices will in the future benefit me!

You know, maybe writing this instead of getting on my exercise bike was a good thing.  Maybe I needed this just as much if not more than the exercise.   (no, i'm not saying that I don't need the exercise)

Choices

I've been thinking a lot lately about choices. In particular, I've been thinking about how we make our choices and what shapes our choices. So many of our decisions are based upon our life experiences and upbringing. The circumstances that surround us. But really, aren't those things really just excuses for not owning up to our choices?

Let me backtrack and share how I came around to this thinking. I've talked on here once or twice about my teaching experience. My last year pursuing that profession was totally horrible. The kids were not 'bad' even when they acted out in a truly horrible manner. They were products of their environment; a rough neighborhood, parents that were very young and an administration that decided that they didn't want me in their school simply because I was the wrong color.   Just recently, I started to think about those kids. They are not kids any longer. They are all in their early twenties (seriously I just dated myself didn't I?)   Maryland has a very easy to access judicial system website for cases that are public record.  I decided to pull out an old class list (I knew I had one in storage somewhere) and check their names.  It took me a while to find the paper I needed, but earlier this week I started looking.   Of the 33 students in my 4th grade classroom, 12 of them were free from having any accessible record within this state. (could be in different states and who knows what they did during their years as a minor..years I don't have access to).  There were traffic violations with at least 6 of those violators being driving on suspended licence.  I giggled at former student that had a case against him for failing to pay them metro fare and even the unrestrained unruly dog made me smile.  The paternity and child support cases made me sad because I realized that these kids were just following the footsteps of their parents...they were stuck in the cycle.  They had choices but they were not making the difficult choices and breaking free from vicious cycle that was pulling them down.  There were quite a few of my previous students that were picked up for theft....of which one of them was armed robbery.  There were a few drug charges.  But my jaw dropped two times.  TWO of my students, even though they are only in their very early 20's have been charged with Murder within this state and since adulthood.  (Murder in the first...both of them).    As bad as that year was...this breaks my heart.  Those kids HAD the world in front of them.....they could have made so much from themselves.  It was all their choice.  Those kids had choices in life to make....and so many of them have apparently made the wrong choices.   You can say 'product of their environment'....but that really IS a cop out.  They made those choices....the consequences have always been clear.  I know that they were clear...I was their teacher.  These kids told me back then that they were going to become prostitutes...we talked about consequences.  One of these kids told me that they were going to shoot me......consequences were discussed at that time too.  They KNEW the consequences....yet they STILL made negative choices that they will have to carry with them the rest of their lives.

So how does this relate to this blog and my weight loss????    Haven't I done the same thing?   I have always known that obesity kills.  I have always known that being obese would adversely affect my health.  I knew that my obesity WAS affecting me.  My cholesterol is high.  I have already blown out my knees.  Obesity has come knocking and started wreaking havoc on my body.  Yet I continued to make choices.  I tried to say "well, it's my upbringing...I come from a foodie family"  but guess what......that's an excuse!  I knew the consequences of eating.  Yet I still did it.  The choice has been mine since I was old enough to know better!  Choices.......we really do shape our lives with our choices......circumstances do not shape our lives.  It's how we personally react to those circumstances....the choices that we make that shape our lives. 

I've made the choice to be healthy and I'm not looking back.  There are no excuses.  I know that there will be days where I'm not totally on target, but it's by no ones fault by my own.  It is MY choice and no one elses.

This morning I woke up.  I didn't do much in terms of exercise yesterday and had planned to do the next day on my couch to 5 k training program.  I woke up and looked out the window to see the weather.  DRAT!  Snowy.  (as evidenced on the door of my car in the picture)  Not a whole lot of snow...just a dusting. But a dusting of snow and a nice little sheen of ice.  Ice is not something that I want to be running in.  Luckily for me, this was my 'come in late day' at work.  I didn't have to be here until noon.  I took Todd to the studio (still sharing a car...hopefully within the next week or so we will be back to being a two car family) and then went home and did a bit of stuff around the house until about 10 or so.  And then I headed off down the road.  And I did it.  Week three is complete!

I'm proud of me for FINALLY making the right choice.   As I've looked deep, I have realized that I really do like who I am.  The love affair with myself has begun again. Happy Valentines day to me!

 

The war within

I stood poised this morning.  I was in the bathroom.  My foot hovered over the scales.  I was ready to tap the scales and step onto them to see where my weight is.   I wanted to check it so bad.  But I had made my vow earlier this week....no jumping on and off the scales due to the risk of getting disgusted as the scales do weird things.  The mental dialogue about the scales started while I laid in bed immediately following the alarms annoying chirp.  I want this so bad.  I want to lose weight and get to my goal weight so bad. I know that this is a long journey. And I know I need to be patient.  However, I want it so badly and I want it so badly NOW.   I can taste it (OK, maybe that's a bad phrase to use for a food addict...lol) I want and need the affirmation of the scales.  Yet I know that the scales don't always move the way that I think they should.  So I've vowed that this week I would stay off of them.  This is a journey and I can't expect the scales to drop all the time.  I'm in this for the long haul...and for that you don't need to weigh every day.  Suffice it to say that as long as I'm doing right, I shouldn't be concerned with the numbers on the scale!  Easier said than done.  boy, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be.  My little sabotaging mini me stood on my shoulder and screamed at me to step on the scales.  However, I made the vow....I respect my vow and I threw up my hands and turned my back on the scales.  How many more days until I'm allowed to weigh in?????  

I'm doing good today.  The C25K program allows for a 5 minute cool down walk. I'm thinking I may need to add some simple stretches afterward.  Yesterday afternoon I was just stiff.   Not really achy per se (which I'm happy about since I pushed myself further yesterday) but just stiff.  Some stretching of muscles should take care of that.

Eating...today will be my rough day.  We are going out to eat while we are in Hagerstown...after our dentist appointments (just cleanings) and that way we will avoid the valentines day rush at the restaurants.  I can do this though!   I know I can! 

On another front.  I have realized that I really need to be working on following my dreams.  I love to write.  I have things in my head that need to be written.  So I'm going to make a concerted effort to REALLY sit down and become more disciplined about writing.  For a while I set a word count goal for each day.  I made myself write a certain amount of words each day...with an allowance for one day to miss the goal each week.  It was amazing how much that discipline helped me.  It really did open windows.  The first few days were difficult, but after the first few days the words flowed like honey.  Something happened and I stopped writing daily. I just haven't been able to get back into the swing of things.  (Well, with the exception of this blog...I seem to be doing OK with writing when it comes to this blog).   I don't know that anything will ever come out of my writing.  But I do know this...I love to write and I'm happier when I'm writing.   I also know that sitting back and doing nothing means total failure.  I will be happier in 10 years if I have folders upon folders of written work that went nowhere versus sitting back and wishing that I HAD written something and wondering if I would have had any success. 

Curiousity killed the cat

I'm curious.  I have to admit it.  I would LOVE to look at the scales and see if I've dropped.  After all, I had a horrible week last week.  I was up that 1.1 pound all freakin' week.  I did manage to hold onto my weight loss by only gaining 1/10th of a pound.  Yes.  I was up by 1 tenth of a pound.  I'll take it.  But I know that the pounds SHOULD drop.  I hope they drop.  I want them to drop.  However, I'm stepping away from the scales.  No scales for MF until this upcoming weekend.  You see, my curiosity could very work to sabotage me should the scales be in a fickle mood.  In the meantime, I'm continuing onward.  Eating right, exercising and just living healthy.

Today is fausnaught day.  Donut day to those who don't know what a fausnaught  is.  It's all in conjunction with Fat Tuesday.  Get your last donut before Lent.  :-)   Of course I arrive at work and a customer had dropped off a big box of donuts for us to nibble on. They smell soooo fantastic.  But I'm ignoring the donuts.  No sirree!  I don't have the calories for a donut.   OK...technically I do.  I earned calories this morning with my exercise....so I COULD eat a donut and theoretically be OK.  (I looked 360 calories for a peanut butter donut.)  But I don't need a donut.  Nope.  I'm fine.


Exercise.  Did I mention that I've already exercised???  Today I set out to do Day 2, week three of my training program.  I had every intention of following the plan.  I promise!   Week three is a warm up....then a 1.5 minute run...a 1.5 minute then a two three minute runs and walks..back and forth.  It is capped off by another 1.5 minute run and equal walk.  And of course the cool down.   I started. I focused on my breathing.  I had read that it should be a 3.2 ratio.  Three steps of breathing in through nose...and two steps of breathing out through the mouth.  (that seems to be the generally accepted breathing technique for running...it apparently keeps you breathing in on different step patterns so that your body is not always doing a breath in on the same foot....who knows...).  I did the first run segment and felt great.  I walked the walk section.  I picked up my run and started on my first 3 minute run.  I felt great.  At one point I started to get a bit panicky in my breathing but I was able to quickly pull it back under control and was only out of control for a few seconds.  I caught it quickly and early enough and the breathing never became a problem.

 I walked my  first three minutes walking section....and then started running my next three minute segment.  I felt pretty good.  I wasn't fast...I wasn't pretty, but those are not my focus right now.  My focus right now is just doing it...and my breathing.  The second three minute run went by just fine....it went by so good that I kept running.  I was just curious to see what would happen.  I ran through my second three minute walk.    My program then instructed me to run again for my last run segment..the last 1.5 minute segment.  I kept running.  And since I was feeling so good when that segment was over I ran through the last 1.5 minute walk.  I ran (or whatever you call what I'm doing) for 9 minutes.  WEEEE.  I just wanted to see if I could do it.  I could.  :-)  Of course I had to take a picture when I was done.  :-)And when I arrived back at my car....I was oddly disappointed that it was done.

In this case, my curiousity turned into an epic success!

Well Maybe I Am

Just for clarification, my husband didn't really come out and say that I was slutty.  He just said that my shirt was a bit slutty....and left it at that.  Whatever.  :-)   Here is a picture of us together the other night.   In fairness, I've dressed in jeans, tee shirts and sweatshirts so much recently... so it probably did come as a surprise to him that I decided to pride in  myself.  And yes, he probably does feel threatened with me hot on the trail of weight loss and knowing that there are some huge issues in our marriage. He doesn't have to feel threatened...I love the guy (even with his comment that he made out of his ass the other day)...and really do want my marriage to work.

A few people asked...so I decided to wear the shirt today to work....here am I...sorry, I'm in the bathroom at work.  And yes...it was a black day.  Makes me feel like Johnny Cash....."You look like you are going to a funeral." ...."Well maybe I am!"    The funeral would be the death of the MaryFran that didn't feel worthy!  :-)  You can't see because I'm also wearing black pants..but the shirt is angled at the bottom..the white flower/bead work follows the hem line of the shirt.  So there I am in all my glory.  :-)  As a side note...my parents came down today with my brother's truck to pick up some stuff that needed to go to the dump (my dad loves to go to the dump...go figure).   My mom saw the shirt and was like "That's cute, where did you get it?" 

Tried on my engagement ring today.  Hoping that soon I can wear it again.  You see.  When I was losing the weight the first time my rings would literally fall off my hand. So I stopped wearing them.  I waited until I reached my lowest weight...and held that weight for a while...THEN I had my engagement ring re-sized.  I have a wrap on my engagement ring (a second ring that nestles together with the original)...so it had to be desoldered....resized ...and then resoldered together (or whatever the word is to attach them into one ring).  So it's a bit more costly than a simple resizing.  I regained the weight and I haven't been able to wear my ring.  BOOO.  I am anxiously awaiting the day that I can once again wear my ring. 

So I'm putting the old MaryFran to rest once and for all.  Maryfran is worth all the time and effort that it takes to lose weight.  (and yes, I spend a fair amount of time on it......it truly is my focus right now.).  MaryFran is worth all the time it takes to exercise.  Making my body strong and healthy is just as important as losing the weight.  They do go hand in hand but it really is a separate entity.  MaryFran Is worth the dreams and aspirations.  MaryFran is alive kicking and ready to kick butt!

Weekend Warrier

I decided that Friday would be my day of rest.  At least from Exercise.  I went to work (don't I look bored?) and as soon as work was done I headed off for the day.  I started by returning the shoes (the ones for zumba)  that I purchased at JCPenney's .  I hit up the grocery store.  I filled up my car with gas and then I went home.  At home I unloaded the car, did laundry, cleaned the house and did all sorts of house work.  I was HUNGRY.   Ok, maybe my mind was telling me that I was hungry.  I wasn't taking any chances.  I decided that I wouldn't eat until certain 'chores' were done here at the house.  Worked like a charm.  I got so involved in my activities that I ended up not eating until even later than I planned.  I as on the go. 

Saturday dawned and I had actually planned on exercising, but life just got away from me.  I relaxed in the morning, waiting for our friends to pick up our poor somewhat dead car.  We are going to try to revive it enough to sucker a bit more time out of it before it totally dies. (basically it needs a few small things to hold it over....hopefully).   After our friends left, I made lunch and then Todd and I got ready to leave.  We decided to mosey down to Winchester, VA and just roam a bit, have dinner and then hit up a CD Release party for some of our clients.  I dressed...and I have to say, the newly rediscovered confidence was at play.  I dressed.  I dressed nice.  I didn't just simply wear the jeans and sweatshirt that I normally grab.  I felt good.  My husband, also known as Mr.  Sabotager wasn't very complimentary.   Seriously?  He said my shirt was a bit slutty.....uhhh I don't think so putz!  I was going to describe it..but figured I'd put  picture on here instead...  NOT at all slutty is it?   I wore it with jeans and black heeled boots.  And uhhhh it's WINTER...I wore a black sweater over it all.  Slutty??    I think not.   Oh well...I've said that there are problems in the marriage.....my reemerging self confidence must threaten and freak him out. TOUGH LUCK BUSTER!

I chose wisely at dinner...but was totally shocked!  I drank my normal, water with lemon at dinner.  My husband got an iced tea.  They charged him 2.99 for his ice tea.   Guess what I was charged for my tap water??????  Or actually maybe they charged me for the lemon!  79 cents??    Yup....I would have carted my big fat water jug in and saved the 79 cents...who cares....79 cents is 79 cents!  After diner we headed to the aforementioned CD release party.  It was OK..not my favorite genre of music.  This one was old style bluegrass music.  (Marv Ashby and High Octane in case you care....we have recorded their last two CD's)  The musicianship was good though, and they were entertaining...so all was good.  Regardless, it was an evening of PR for our business.    We left there at 11 or so.....got home at midnight.  Of course I couldn't go right to bed....so I laid in bed and read a bit......

Regardless.....Sunday morning my alarm went off bright and early.  I didn't ignore it. Even though it was cold and only 18 degrees.  There was never any thought to ignore it.  And by 7:30 I was at the battlefield (Antietam) and hopping out of my car to join up with Sherry.   Day one week three of the couch to 5k is history.   Did I mention that it was 18 degrees????   We even followed up the training run with a walk! (the walk is our extra time to chit chat).   I was actually surprised at how 'easy' this one was.   We actually ran a few 3 minute intervals.  Yeah, doesn't seem like a big thing to a runner...but to a non-runner that's HUGE.  And it really didn't bother me!  :-)  My breathing the first run/jog interval was choppy...but I focused and pulled it under control and all was fine.  Sherry and I talked about my 240.9 stickiness on the scales. (yes, Friday, Saturday and first thing this morning I was ...you guessed it 240.9 on the scales).   We came up with a few ideas and a few theories on my weight.  We got some talking done and I feel great!

I did re-weigh myself when I got home....and was down one pound to 239.9.   I'll take that number.   I haven't lost my focus.  Even when the scales popped up and even as they have remained the exact same all week, my focus and determination has not wavered.  But I think I needed to see that number change....even if just to prove that my scales are not broke.  :-)    I think that today is going to be  a stay at home relax and watch movie kinda day.  That works for me! 

Getting ready to enter in the food for the rest of my day.....add in my exercise...plan tomorrows eating.  I'm hot on the trail of thin, svelte and HEALTHY!

For the love of Scales

I used to weigh myself everyday. However this time around I'm not weighing as much.  I am definitely weighing on Sundays (I have to report my weigh in to a group I am a member of) and also on Mondays which is my official weigh in day.   I have to admit that I have taken a couple sneak peaks throughout the weeks.  I've been OK with that.  It's all been good.  Until this Wednesday that is.  I stepped on the scales.  240.9.  What???? That is 1.1 pounds up!   What in the world?  I ate right.  I exercised.  Could it have been that I exercised the evening before AND ate a late meal???    I swallowed my disappointment and continued onward. I was in my caloric budget and I exercised again.    Wanting to erase the negative scale report from my mind I hopped onto the scales on Thursday morning.  Surely the scales would show some love.  But no...those scales were EXACTLY the same as Wednesday morning. 240.9  Seriously?   What in the world! OK, OK, OK Same thing...evening exercise...late meal.  Surely that was the reason.    Disappointed but not willing to let the scales win I plodded on.  This morning (Friday) I hopped onto the scales.  I KNEW that this scale travesty would definitely right itself today.  Seriously.  It had to!  I've done everything right. I've exercised...I've eaten right. I'm DOING IT!   All scale procedures followed (seriously...don't we all strip down to nothing,  pee and get every drop of waste out of us before hopping on the scales.....don't act like you don't!...cuz I know you do!.......) I stepped onto the scales.  I felt like doing a drum roll as I waited for the scales to register my weight.  And then it did.  I looked down.......and what wonderful number did my eyes behold?   THE EXACT SAME  weight.   Holy crud-a-moley! My mind immediately started to mess with me.  240.9.  What are the odds that my weight didn't move even a stinkin' ounce in the last three days.  Wait...is my scale broke.....will it not go lower???  I immediately rejected that idea because the other day it did register me in the 230's.   But then the next idea rolled into my mind.  240.9 is obviously the weight that I'm intended to be.  It will not drop any further.  240.9...this is it I guess.   Yeah my mind is warped....if you didn't know that before you do now!   

That negative talk though is getting me no where.  My mind is screaming at me to just give up  240.9 is where my body obviously wants me.  But I'm not going to give in to the temptation to listen to that negative self talk.  I am doing what I need to be doing for my health.  I'm going to keep doing that.  Besides...it's not even my official weigh in day.  So I don't know what my official number will be.  Seriously...all of this scale badness could right itself by Monday!   The choice is mine...give up or continue on and be healthy and damn the number on the scales.







 I'm choosing to damn the scales.  The scales are JUST a number.  It is not a true testament to the effort that I'm putting in.  Yeah, I know that the numbers on the scales WILL follow along with my effort.  But it just may not do it in the time frame that I personally find satisfactory.  But taking the scales out of the equation.   I have successfully completed week 2  of the couch to 5k program....I'm starting to run.  ME...a runner!   I'm smiling more throughout my days.  These last five weeks of having my food addiction under control has brought about a more self confident happy person.  I WANT to smile.  I WANT to sing.  It's not an effort to do these things.  I feel alive.  I feel confident and ready to actually face the world with my head held high.  I actually WILLINGLY take my picture (OK OK OK...face shots...lol).  I know that my 13 pounds (well 12 as of today) isn't really visible yet....it's the self confidence that is inside me blossoming and growing that is making amendable to picture taking.  So my question.....even if the scales NEVER show anything lower than 240.9.......aren't I still a winner????



Cathy nominated me for the Liebster Award....I figured it would be fun to play along.....

Here’s how it works-
The rules:
Each blogger posts 11 random facts about themselves.
Answer the questions the tagger has set for you
Choose 11 new bloggers to pass the award to/nominate
Come up with 11 new questions to ask your nominees
Go to their page and tell them about the award.
No tag backs!

11 Random Facts:

1.  I love "I Love Lucy"  My pets are all named after the show.  Sometimes it's funny because the show will be on and they will hear their name (Lucy, Desi, Ethel, WinniFRED, and Mertz) and they will jump up and stare at the tv because it's talking directly to them.

2. I am a bit sarcastic.  (just a bit mind you).  My husband doesn't get sarcasm (how did I end up with him...haa haa haa).

3. I used to be an elementary school teacher.  I left the profession.  It took me at least 10 years before I could even talk about the experience without crying......my last year was that traumatic.

4.  I like to write.  I have a novel in the works...I'm pretty excited about it...but just need to work on discipline to sit down and actually WORK on it.

5.  I am a jack of all trades...master of none.  I dabble in quilt making, cross stitch, crochet, scrapbooking, photography, etc etc etc.  I know enough about each of them to do a pretty good job.
6.  I get compliments for my photography..... but seriously....I just mash the button and hope for the best sometimes....and those pictures are some of my most amazing shots!  (ROFLMAO)

7.  I read....ALL the time.  I never thought I would switch to digital books...but I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kindle...and since switching to digital about a year and a half ago have not looked back and read EVERYTHING on my kindle.

8.  I am a kid at heart.  I don't know that I will ever really grow up.

9.  I always wanted kids.  It breaks my heart that circumstances have kept me from having that opportunity.

10.  I have a love hate relationship with living in the country. I like country life for it's openness...and the garden...and the seclusion.  I hate it for the critters and for having to drive 20 minutes to go anywhere (groceries, stores, gas)

11.  I gave up eating most meat.  Simply because a cow looked at me with the most gentle eyes.....and I knew that I couldn't do it.  I couldn't eat anything with such benign gentle eyes!

Questions that Cathy asked:
1.Are you a cat or a dog person?  Cat cat cat!
2.What is your favorite workout?  Zumba....it's a social thing too
3.What do you do for "me" time? READ
4.If you won the lottery (the really big one) who would be the first person you told? And why?  My husband.  It would change things in our life.....give more freedom for choices that need to be made
5.What is the strangest thing you can think about yourself? (What do you do, what do you own, etc)  Everything about me is strange.  haa haa haa
6. If you could go back in time and change anything, would you? What would you change?  I would have worked to lose the weight years upon years earlier
7. What is your greatest accomplishment?  Losing the weight the first time around
8. What was your favorite toy as a child? Dolls....any doll
9 Are you close with your family? Why or why not?  VERY.  Why?  because I love them!
10.  Empty your purse . . . what is in it?   money, debit card, sunglasses, chapstick, three checkbooks, a small calander,
11.  How did you start blogging?   I started blogging simply for me.  It was an online journal for myself. I never expected anyone to read it.

My Questions:

1.  If you could change one thing in your life what would it be?
2.  What is your favorite color?
3.  If you could go on a vacation anywhere in the world...where would it be?  Why?
4.  What is your favorite thing about your body?
5.  If you were shopping right now..what store/department would you be in?
6.  Favorite type of book to read?
7.  Longest distance you have ever ridden on a bike?
8.  Glasses, contacts or perfect vision?
9.  Toenails...painted or au natural?
10.  Best thing about your life?
11.  What kind of car do you drive?

My picks:  (dang this is hard, I read so many blogs)

Fixing myself Thinner
The Journey to a New Me
Paulawannacracker
Fatt 2 Fitt after 5
Losing the Shadow Behind
The Voices Within Unleashed
Body Works
Bringing Pretty Back
Dutch Girl is Healthy
Healthy Lovin
Timothology

Love hate relationship

I have a total love hate relationship with exercise.  I hate hate hate it.  Yes. I just said that. OK, maybe hate is too harsh of a word.   I dread it.  I wake up and think...."Drat, I have to exercise" (isn't drat such a fun word?)  I get dressed and drag my feet because I don't want to do it.  It makes me sweaty. It makes me tired.  When I had a membership at a gym I would try to talk myself out of going.  It is just not something I look forward to.  I do it because I know I have to do it.  Starting.....that is the hate part....of course.  

The love part?  I LOVE LOVE LOVE how I feel after I'm done and even while I'm doing it. I feel powerful.  I feel strong.  I feel happy.  I am on top of the world and I dare anyone to knock me off my perch! I came in today after another training run.  I hopped in the shower.  I was happy.  I was smiling.  I grinned at myself while I brushed my teeth. Hy eyes twinkled and danced.  I could see it.  I sang while I got dressed.  I was literally giddy with happiness.  Was it the exhilarating feeling of being outside?  Was it the self satisfaction of pushing my body and knowing that I'm doing something good for myself?  Was it a rush of exercise endorphins flowing through my body? Whatever it is, I don't care!   I love that feeling when I exercise in the morning...it carries into my day.  Yeah, my work tries to beat those good vibes out of my system...and yeah,  my co-workers think I'm nuts when I'm singing crazy tunes and literally dancing in my seat...but those vibes are in me and begging to be released!   Thank you exercise! (the picture of course was taken after my morning run...after my shower...while the endorphins were still running like crazy through my body......while I was still giddy and laughing at myself in the mirror. )







So you see....a love hate.  Hopefully some day my mind will catch up and I'll actually stop dreading what ends up making me feel so delightfully alive!  In the meantime. I'll keep scheduling my exercise and making myself do it and rest assured that I will get there!

Mentally ready

Tested out my new shoes.  Yes, I bought new sneakers the other day.  I bought shoes specific for running.  I used to always buy Nike, but then for some reasons I switched to Asics (they just felt better on my feet).  However, this time around I had a $40 gift card at Sears so I was tied to buying my shoes there.  They didn't have many options for running shoes at my Sears.  I tried on every pair they had.  The New Balance ones felt the best...so that's what I bought. The shoes were about $70 bucks to begin with...on sale for $50.  I used my Sears/KMart rewards points (of which I didn't have many...but 4 bucks is four bucks) and then the gift card...so I paid $6 bucks for these shoes.  I'm happy to say that they felt wonderful!  :-)   (Unlike the zumba shoes I bought and tried out last night...those puppies are going back as soon as I can get back to town to return them.)

My run today went well.   My breathing never once became choppy and harsh.  I could feel myself breathing more deeply and heavily but it wasn't that out of control breathing that has negatively affected me.  Even though my breathing wasn't out of control, I still made myself think about my breathing.  I want to totally train myself to breathe right...that's the only way I will succeed at this running thing.  And let me tell you.  I do feel alive when I'm out there working on this goal.



Today I was thinking a lot about playlists.  I threw some music on my playlist that is within my c25k app without much thought.  Today was really the first day that I got to listen to that new playlist and I was blown away.  I started my run with "I'm too sexy"  by Right Said Fred.  I ran to some Twisted Sister, "I Wanna Rock" and then moved on to Chicago "Alive again" and "Feelin' Stronger every day."   I heard some "Brick house" and "Fantasy" by Earth Wind and Fire.  I had a little "Cheers" by Riahanna (ok ok ok and I heard S&M) also.  I was pretty amazing.  They were mostly songs that were peppy which is good but they were all just perfect for me.  They were affirming to me.  I'm too sexy...I"m alive again.  I'm feeling stronger everyday.  Seriously...could it have been any better?  (totally unplanned too!)   I had one song come on....Lady Antebellum.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with Lady Antebellum....obviously, as I was willing to put a song (or two) on my playlist.  But it just didn't fit into the mood that my playlist was generating. It wasn't generating that feeling of power...that feeling of kick-assed-ness that all the other songs were instilling in my mind.  ANd with that one song (which I do like in normal circumstances) made me realize exactly how important music and what we put into our minds really is in relation to our mental psyche.  Right now I need kick ass music.  I need take no prisoners music.  It matches perfectly with my mission and my determination.   The right music helps the mental battle....and this really is a mental battle.  And with my kick ass music this morning...I'm READY!!!

After my training run I went home and rushed around getting ready for work.  I didn't time it quite right so I only had about 20 minutes to shower, dress, eat breakfast and pack my lunch and head out the door. (luckily I had already packed my gym bag for zumba tonight after work so that was one thing I didn't have to worry about.....I just had to kick Desi, our white big cat out of my gym bag so that I could grab it when I left as he had obviously decided to take a nap in my gym bag).   I showered and dressed in record time and then headed out to the kitchen. Breakfast was easy.  I had made baked oatmeal the other night.  I cut a serving size...and then my head got in the way.  I was SOOO hungry that I cut a piece and a half and chowed it down.  It wasn't until I was in the car on the way to work that it hit me that I totally ate way too much baked oatmeal.  Uhhh seriously. I had accounted for ONE piece.  One piece would have sufficed for my bodily needs.   I didn't need that extra half piece!   I know my training run will have burned off the extra calories. But I just want to scream. (and yes, myfitnesspal has already been adjusted for the extra 1/2 piece).  What's worse.....I feel like a poor bird that has eaten some dry rice and it has puffed up inside that birdy.  I'm STUFFED!  Not sick..but full!

I will leave you with a picture of three of our cats. I apologize for the unmade bed.....but seriously...how could anyone with a heart disrupt these three cats to make a bed??????    Desi is the big white boy..he will be 11 years old this year.  He spent the day at the vets yesterday..his prognosis....he has asthma.   Lucy is the calico that is at the top of the picture. She is now 16 years old. She's starting to show her age..she's more wobbly and doesn't jump near as much because her legs are just getting old.  I put steps up to the bed for her to use...however she's too proud to use them. (Desi on the other hand LOVES them).   Ethel is the little squirt on the bottom of the picture.  she will be 13 years old this summer.  She is an absolute sweet heart to humans and to the other cats...during the recent cat flea baths that have occurred at our house....Ethel is the cat that sits and watches and cries right along with the cat that is being washed.  We have two more...two youngsters.........Winnifred and Mertz. Who knows where they were during the picture session...off being crazy is my bet for at least Winni.