365 in 365

 I am on a mission to find what makes me happy.  Life is too short to be mired down with things that are not bringing happiness.  Does a certain belonging make me happy?  Does a particular activity make me happy?   What brings me joy in life?   Conversely, what drags me down?  It's time to dive deep and find the answers.

The last few years have been particularly rough for me.  I have struggled with a low grade depression.  I have not gone to the doctor or sought help.  I have been trying to work through it on my own.  There have been months that are really difficult and months that are easier.  It's a battle.  However, I'm determined to win and come out HAPPY!

So how am I going about this deep dive in my quest to find happiness and joy in my life.   There are some things that are not easily changed.  I mean, I still need to go to to work. (Although I really honestly believe that I was created to be a lady of leisure that shouldn't have to work.)  But there comes a time in life where we have to focus on what is bringing us joy and cut what is not.  We need to choose to surround ourselves with the good.  And that is what I am going to be focusing on.

* Clear the Clutter:  I am planning on getting back into my purge project.  I was doing good before my mom passed away and then instead of purging, I was bringing stuff into this house faster than I could blink.   I don't regret my choices for what I brought. However, I do need to start purging again to clean the unwanted.  Because seriously, if I have something that I haven't touched in the 1 or 2  years (or almost three since we moved into this house), then it's time to get rid of it!  

* Stop spreading myself Thin:    I have so many grand ideas.  I am going to do this and then do that and oh wait, I want to do that too!  Such grand plans I have.  A youtube channel for my bird?  Why yes, I have one!  One for my dog?  Yup, got that too!  Exploration Youtube?  ~snorts~  Of course I have that too!   So I have bits and pieces of ideas and grand plans laying in a pile around me.   It gets unwieldy and hard to navigate around all of these grand plans.   So it's time to back away and maybe even delete a few to clear the head space around me! 

* Finish Projects!  I wrote about this a few posts ago where I was soul searching and vowed to work on some of these projects to get them done.    I have started to make some progress on some of these projects.  SLOW progress, but progress.  I pulled out the lonestar quilt and and I have been working on piecing that.  I have been working on editing and getting a few writing projects closer to completion.  It will be a slow process, but I am working on it!

* The last thing that I'm doing is technically starting a new project....but I think it is a worth while one. So worthwhile that I am willing to add something versus pare down.  And that is a 365 project.  And more specifically 365 pictures in 365 days.  A picture a day!  I did this for about 2.5 years about 10-15 years ago and LOVED the process!  Some days it was a chore to find something worthwhile to photograph.  And I will admit that there were a few days where my pictures were cringe worthy due to the fact that they were so uninspired.  However, it was an amazing experience.  I completed that project in the depths of one of the deepest and darkest periods of depression within my life.   Forcing myself to look at the beauty around me during my search for a photo opportunity was a good thing.  Because seriously, you have to look at the world in a different way if you are going to photograph it.  You HAVE to look for beauty.  

I thought about starting my 365 photos for 2025, but I was excited about the project and knew I needed to be FORCED to look at the world that way NOW and not wait until January 1rst.  SO I started on Monday October 28th!  Day two was actually a rough day as I was feeling BAD and I was downing Mylanta like they were the best ever candy!  I will talk more about that in a day or two....but for now, I leave you with the first four days of my photo a day project!

 

 

Jason brought me home flowers when he came home from work. 

I felt so sick, photography was the furthest thing from my mind!

                                I felt so sick, photography was the furthest thing from my mind!

This goofball dog!  I was taking crazy stupid pictures to send to a group chat with some ex-coworkers and Zoey had to get in on the fun!

I just saw the peppers still on the plant in the garden and realized how pretty some plants and produce really is.  So I snapped a picture, never thinking it would be my picture for the day...but I just really like how the picture turned out!

Which hand should I chose?

I am torn between disgust and elation.   So ok, here it is.

I had my weigh in today.  I've been weighing myself regularly and I've watched the numbers slide lower and lower on the scale (ok, they would be sliding if I didn't have a digital scale).  It's been good.   Yesterday morning I was ecstatic about my weight.  This morning, not so much.  I gained six tenths of a pound between yesterday and today.   Yesterday I ran over three miles.  I made good choices for breakfast and lunch and......well for dinner I went to Cici's pizza.  (My nephew will be so ashamed of me...he hates Cici's Pizza.)  I did have a salad.  I did have 3 slices of pizza.  I did have a brownie.  And oh my word, their breadsticks are possibly the best around. (Yes, this was my first foray into the world of Cici's pizza).  So yes, I had something like 2 or 3 bread stick bites.  As I was eating I was worried about my weigh in today.   Pizza?  Really?   The night before a weigh in???   What was I thinking?    I'll tell you what I was thinking.....the other option was a Chinese buffet.  ha ha ha. 

That said?   I entered my food into the tracker and I will say that I ate  1732 calories yesterday.  Including what I earned, I STILL had 163 calories left over at the end of the day.  HOWEVER, sadly enough...my body is stupid and if I eat a ton of my earned calories then I don't lose weight.  (Yes, this is sad...but something I realize and just work with.)  Just one of those quirks of individualism in this weight loss journey.

I seriously contemplated just taking yesterdays weight as my 'official' weekly weigh in.  But then I  realized that that was cheating.  And regardless, I needed to face the music.   Just do it!

So this morning I stepped onto the scales.   249.6   A gain....from yesterday.  BUT that equates to a 4.4 pound loss from last Wednesday...and I can OFFICIALLY say that I am out of that 5 pound vortex.   The goal for this week is to STAY out of that vortex and get further away.  

So elation....but disgust that I didn't hold onto the lower Tuesday morning weigh in number.    Ok ok ok....I'm going to chose happiness and elation and move forward!

Meanwhile, I'm staying busy.   Trying to enjoy life.   Getting out....geocaching when I can...seeing new things when I can....trying to reinvent myself...it's proving to be a long process.  :-) 

I'm looking for peace and happiness and rolling in that direction.  :-)

Fear and happiness

I decided that it was time to rejoin the gym.  Todd and I debated about which gym to go to. OK, Todd never debated...I did.  When I originally started the healthy lifestyle thing, we joined Gold's Gym.   We both liked it but we spent a LOT of money each month for the two of us.  After a few years we decided to move to a gym that was  bit closer...thus we tried out South Point Fitness.  It was small and cramped and Todd hated working out there, he said it made him claustrophobic.  We left there and switched to the ultra cheap Planet Fitness.  That wasn't so bad...for a no frills gym, but eventually as money became even more tight we dropped that (plus there was an issue with a worker and Todd that wasn't pretty and Todd complained about the gym the whole time...said he didn't like the vibe).  We went gymless for a while.   We went back to Gold's (which is substantially cheaper now).   And there have already been a few lessons that I would like to share.

Lesson number one.  I was talking to the guy that signed us up.  I mentioned that I was doing the couch to 5k training program and that it was working, I wasn't fast and it wasn't by any means pretty, but I was doing it.   He looked at me and his words were "I think it's splendid, you've already lapped everyone that's sitting on their couch!"    You know....that is totally right!   I sat around for so many months and years of my life and I let myself be lapped over and over again. Why?   Fear kept me down.  I was afraid I would look retarded.  I was afraid I would fail.  I was just afraid.  But you know what....sitting on the couch doing nothing is what I SHOULD have beeen afraid of!  I am up and moving.  There is no way in hell that my actions will hold me back......the only thing that holds me back is inactivity!

Lesson number two wasn't really a lesson, but rather just a thought that flitted through my mind.  Today is  bank holiday, so of course I'm off work.  We decided to head to the gym.  After my workout I went into the locker room.   And that's when I realized.   I don't fear the gym.  I will go and push myself and feel confident that I'm doing my best.  What I fear?  I fear the locker room.  I always chose a locker that's off in  corner and hope and pray that the area will be uninhabited when it comes time for me to change after my workout.   And eii yii yii..the showers???   ~~shudder~~    So today I walked into the locker room.  I set my stuff down and walked over to the sinks so that I could take  look at myself.  You see, I was trying to figure out if I could forgo taking a shower after my workout (when I used to workout at the gym I only showered at the gym once.....fear you know.....even though it's irrational and I know it!) I walked to that mirror THREE times....dreading it.  But I knew that we had some plans and errands after the gym and I really needed to do something......greasy sweaty hair is not a good pretty sight.  After my shower, I started to think about it.  Seriously?  What do I fear?  It's absolutely NUTS!    I'm not going to live my life with irrational fears.  I'm going to push myself and the world better as hell watch out because I'm going to emerge from this cacoon strong and ready to kick ass!
 OK upon rereading this for a quick edit, I just realized that lesson one and two are both me facing my fears.  Interesting.
I've been saying that our happiness has to come from inside and not due to any amount of exercise or weight loss.  I've said it can't come from a job...or a spouse...or material possessions.  It really does come from within.  Apparently George Washington felt the same!

Weigh In

I did it! I got my 25 pounds lost magnet! Yep, I lost 1.4 pounds! I'm excited. I'm happy that I am still losing decent weight each week! ALthough, I'm exercising pretty religiously!

In fact, yesterday was my off day for exercise...meaning I wasn't going to exercise at all. Well, I ate my dinner and I sat here at the computer...feeling awful. Just full (not sick) but just yucky. I knew what my body was demanding.....activity! So, up I got and I exercised for an hour. Felt great when I was done! That's kinda weird for me..the queen of not exercising.

The other thing that happened this week. Todd and I met mom outside of her work and dropped off some clothes for her to go through (they are too big for me..and whatever she doesn't want she is goign to take to The Rescue mission or goodwill.) Well, I was waiting for her and was doing a bit of a hop/sashay or something. I didn't think anything of it. APparently mom did. She told me last night that she went home and told dad that they are getting their daughter back...the daughter that they remembered from years ago. She told me that and I just looked at her and said, "It's hard to do those things and be peppy when you weigh just shy of 300 pounds". This 75-80 pounds really does make a difference. AND...just watch out when I hit my goal!!!! WOo hooo...who knows what i'm gonna be like then!