Trainer Dude

Wait!  Hold the horses!  You mean I'm actually on here writing and it's only been 10 days between my last post and now?    What in the world!     It's gonna snow or something!  

Honestly though, I jest about it ONLY being a week and a half since my last post but that is still pretty lame to go that long.   As always, it's not because I don't want to.  It's not because I don't have anything to say. (When have I EVER not had something to say.)  It is plain and simple that I am so busy and so tired.

 Busy and Tired

OK, sometimes I don't rightly know why I am so busy.  It feels like I should have all the time in the world.  I mean, I do work at full time job.   Sure, last week my 40 hours stretched longer (not including the 20 minute drive both ways).   But still, that shouldn't take up all this time.   I am working on one or two writing projects....in my spare time. (So not too much in the last week.)   Sure I have animals to take care of.  But it just feels as if I am constantly on the go with no time for anything.  

Exacerbating the busy feeling is this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion.  I am just flat out tired.   I will be in the kitchen making dinner when Jason walks in the house and he takes one look at me and says "You look whupped'.   I can only agree.   There has been nights where I get home and I just cry. Not because of any issue.....but just because. (OK, so I cry spontaneously when I'm tired.....over anything and everything.   It's raining....well that might bring on tears.   I can't find the ketchup bottle in the fridge......tears.)  I've just been tired.

So why have I been so tired and so busy?   The gym.  I blame the gym.   Or to be more specific, I blame my harebrained idea to sign up with a personal trainer.    I told my trainer the other day that I truly believe that he must have been one of those kids that took a magnifying glass and burned ants for entertainment! 

 

 Nice enough guy.   And honestly, just doing his job.  He can't help it that I let my muscles disintegrate to nothing!  But still....he's sadistic!

Personal Trainer

As I said, he is a bit sadistic!    Literally.   We meet once a week and then he wants me to do 3 work outs between our sessions.   This past session I arrived and didn't have a water bottle.  I don't take it to the hour session.  I know me.  I'm not going to drink it during the session. (When I link my strength workout with zumba I definitely carry it...because that's a two hour window).  I used to rarely drink when I ran.....or when I went to zumba.  In fact, if I'm just going to zumba, I take water but I RARELY drink even a sip.  However, I do chug it when I'm done.   That is just what works for me!  (Yeah, I"m weird.....I don't deny it!)   So trainer dude was like, "where is your water".   I answered honestly and told him in my car....and reminded him that I wouldn't have drank it anyway and would have been a nuisance and if I got really desperate there was indeed a water fountain!.   He flat out told me that his mission that day was to make me regret not having my water bottle.  Ha.   (And nope, didn't regret it.......even though admittedly I was thirsty and downed like 40 ounces of water in the half hour or so after I got home.)   See, he is sadistic! 

 But......lets be honest.  I am SORE after the workouts.   He pushes really hard.  Pushed me on some machines to the point of failure.  He is finding out what my current limits are.  Because once he found that, when he assigned my workouts for the week, I am lifting just underneath that breaking point.  Fine by me because what's the use of lifting something so light that I is barely working.  I am paying an ungodly amount of money for this trainer dude......so lets get the most out of it!   But that pushing to the limit......seriously, Jason and I were out and about later in the day and I used the restroom while we were out and I told Jason when I came out.  "I almost had to tell a lady in there to go get my husband to help me get up off the toilet!"  I kid you not.. I was Sore!   I didn't even sleep well that night because every time I moved an inch in bed my muscles screamed out in freakish misery!  The next night I took an advil to allow me to get a good night sleep!

  

Trainer dude wants me eating 1600 calories.  Typically I don't lose weight at a calorie budget of 1600.  But I am listening to him and rolling with it.  He wants me to up my protein levels. (ARRRGGGHHH I struggle with protein!) .  And he has told me not to expect weight loss this first month.   

 The trainer dude wants me to do at least 3 strength sessions on my own each week along with at least 3-4 hours of cardio.   So I have been continuing my zumba classes (Yeah, lets be honest, that was non-negotiable for me anyway, I like my zumba classes!)  With the strength training, I may not push myself as hard as trainer dude does....but I am trying to push myself as hard as I can.  Why?   It's ungodly expensive and I need to make the most of it and not squander the time that I can afford to go.   (Ok, ungodly expensive may be too over dramatic.....but yeah, just shy of $300 a month for 1 one hour session a week......more than I really want to spend!)

That said, what are my thoughts right now after two trainer sessions?

*  I have flat out  told the trainer that has the three month commitment that I signed up for  to show me that it is worth the money!  He seems confident that the results will come easily. 

* I went into this trainer thing with the plan to be completely all in.  So during my initial meeting and first sessions I was very open with him.  I flat out told him my diminishing mobility and told him where I seem to be having the most issues.   Yeah, he would have eventually found the weak spots, but by me telling him up front we saved a lot of time and he was able to go right to the crux and start working on that.   It is the same concept of why I was OK with him pushing me to the point of failure each week.....it saves time and gets us to where my workouts NEED to be faster. 

* We are going after my weak spots.  So there is a lot of exercises to strengthen around my knees.  It has been beneficial to have him walk me through the exercises as I am like "oh yeah, the knee pain kicks in at this point"   So trainer dude usually can tell me to adjust the angle of my foot or leg or whatever and we try it again..usually with better results.    

* While I don't like the pain and soreness, I know it's necessary.....and in some weird way makes me proud of myself.

* Somewhere, somehow in the last 15 years since I used to go to the gym regularly, I have become embarrassed about myself and how far I've fallen.  When I used to go to the gym I marched in boldly and used the equipment and held my head high.   Yeah, I don't do that now.  That confidence is gone...and I didn't realize how badly it is tucked away and hidden (I refuse to believe it's gone) until this gym experience. 

 

So why am I tired?  I personally think it's a combination of two things.  One, on  top of the 3-4 hours of zumba I had been doing at the gym....I am now going an extra 4 hours a week.   That puts a dent in my daily schedule.  And secondly, I imagine my body is working overtime to repair and restore those muscles.  I'm giving it a few weeks and then we shall see how I feel!  Right now, I am just tired! So tired!

 

Apparently I’m brain dead and really am weary

So, I have a habit of writing a short sentence about my ideas for future posts...and I put them into a draft and then go back and go back to expand on my ideas a bit later..a few days...a few weeks..whatever!   I did this the other day based on a comment that I received on a post.  Except, like a fool....I somehow published it and didn’t catch my mistake until this morning!  ~slaps forehead~~

So while I was going to wait to write about it, I am going to comment and write about it further right now.   As a side note...I’m not sure where my mind is lately...just yesterday I made macaroni salad I was mixing up the dressing and totally forgot to put in the sugar.   What’s worse is I sat there whisking the mixture to incorporate the sugar that I failed to add.  Eiiyiiyii!

So what is the subject today?   It is how this journey had been so long...and how I’ve grown weary.   A faithful commenter, Paula C. reminded me of this and as soon as she said it, the lightbulb clicked on and I knew that her words were so true...and that what I was feeling was normal!!!     (As a side note, there is no link in the comments to a page of her own...but if there is any Page, I would LOVE to visit it as she always has great insight!).    

I started writing on here 14.5 years ago and my journey started earlier than that!  I’ve had success over the years but I’ve had more failure.  14.5 plus years of this near constant struggle!  That is a long time! This journey had not been short by any means!

I’ve written in the past about growing weary and getting bogged down by the sheer slowness of this journey.     I wrote about it in 2019 and this post in 2016  just to name  two of the multiple times I’ve written about this looooong forever journey.  This is a long arduous journey and it weighs heavily.  And sometimes, I think my mind just has to step back because I become a bit overwhelmed at the long road travelled and the long road ahead!

That said, this weight loss weary girl is still very much wanting to lose weight.  Paula’s comment sparked me to say to myself, your are just feeling tired...now get your butt in gear.  I am clawing my way back and trying to find a balance.   I am trying my hardest to track (in fairness some of the lack of tracking is due to just being out of the habit and forgetting to track my food).  I am trying to keep my calorie count low.  I am trying to eat healthy foods in a healthy portion!

So yes...let’s talk about the victories...not the failures of my apparently feeble mind!

*** We got in a 20 mile bike ride yesterday! 

*** I have tracked my food the last two days!  My one day was a bit high in calories...but it was tracked.

*** my heart and mind are focused on losing weight

I am not going to say that ‘I’m back’ at this point.  I know that I’m not. I’m still bone weary from the constant pressure of this journey.  But I’m trying to re-instill these healthy habits into my life.  I’m trying to change my habits and live healthy regardless of my present predicament.  I’m still pushing forward...because if I keep allowing my apathy and weariness win, the journey will only get longer as I gain more weight!  

(And I promised Jason a new batch of macaroni salad next week to go with our cookout...and I’ll nail that batch!)

Hanging on by a thread

Friday!!!  Yay!!!

I feel like I am barely hanging on.   Ever since vacation I feel as if I am flying by the seat of my pants and just barely!  It is an odd sensation.  I normally do feel exhausted as my week continues...but right now I just feel as if I’m pushing forward and getting nothing done...just scraping by.   I am getting dinner cooked on the evenings...most days.   There have been more ‘let’s just  order delivery for dinner tonight’  evenings than ever!  The house looks a wreck!   I’m just feeling as if I don’t have time for anything!   I don’t know what the difference is and what changed to make me feel like this ..but it is really starting to annoy me!  What’s worse?  I don’t know how to fix it.  Does anyone have a few spare hours to give me each day?

I have been doing well with my eating.  I have maintained my food intake within my calorie count.   At the top end...but I’m there!   I don’t eat a whole lot of complex carbs (I know that I don’t lose well if I do). I am feeling balanced and in control of this food addiction.   But my weight is just hanging steady though...which is super annoying!  It is bringing on lots of ‘I’m a failure’ feelings.   Do I really have to go online and report another ‘stand still’ or worse a gain report with my weight.  Seriously, it’s driving me crazy!!!  I have tried to tweak my food a bit this week to bump me into the losing category.....I took out one fruit  and switched it to a vegetable for my lunches......and I have ended up ravenous and not satisfied after my lunch...as in scrounging through my wallet looking for change for the vending machine ravenous!   I found the money...but I came to my senses and realized that junk food from the vending machine wasn’t the ticket.  I instead scrounged in my desk drawer and found a granola bar that I kept there for ‘emergencies’.  The next day I took a new bar to replace that one and ended up eating it instead of putting it on my desk drawer.  All week long.   So that’s just odd to me!!!

I have walked on my breaks...as much as I can.  I’m working on training and I don’t have prep time...so I have been spending my lunches printing materials for the next day.  Since I am training I am on my feet all day though!!!  That’s good!!!  We get bike rides in on the weekends but during the week not at all....and I get frustrated because I know I would progress so much faster should I be able to have the time to ride on the trails during the week...but.......

But that’s where I stand....kinda hanging on my a thread.   But I haven’t give up working on my health!   I’m still in the game!

Lies!

I got home from zumba last night.  I made my dinner and was sitting there eating when Todd came home.  I could barely put a coherent sentence together.  For some reason I was just exhausted.  I headed to bed and was asleep shortly after 9PM.  I had planned on making potato salad and packing my gym bag in the evening thus clearing up my morning to hit the road for my second to last C25K training run.  I momentarily thought about it but decided that since I was going to bed so early, I knew I would be up super early and that there would be no problem completing everything.   How wrong I was.  I didn't wake up until 8AM!  (not a problem for work because I didn't have to be at work until 10AM, but I had stuff that needed to be done) Thus began the mad hectic dash of my morning.


I have struggled with running this week.  It's been a mental thing.  I am nearing the end of this c25k training program.  I have tried this program time and time again and each time I have given up right about week 3 or 4.  So to make it to week 8 is incredible.  I know that my struggle to continue is not because of fear that I can't do it.  I have  done a 28 minute run so the next run shouldn't have been an issue.  True, I had my dismal run on Friday stuck in the back of my head, but seriously....the END IS IN SIGHT!   The old MaryFran started to doubt that I could do this c25k thing...even though I'm almost done.  For some reason I began to struggle with continuing.  Yes, I seriously contemplated quitting the program...on freakin' week 8 day 2!  What in the world?   I tell you...the mind is really where this weight loss battle (and healthy lifestyle...and exercise) is won or lost!   Once I realized that it is all in my head I said "HECK NO!"  I'm not giving up!  I've given up 4 or more times before on this training program and it just makes me have to restart it.  NO MORE!!!!!  This time I WILL finish!

So out I went.  And yes!  I did it! I ran the whole time I needed to run.  WEEEE!    But I'm coming to the conclusion that the C25K training program is a lie.  A big fat juicy lie.   I have done it religiously.  And I'm almost done.  It has got me running and for that I'm most decidedly grateful.  but,  it's more like a couch to 3.5 k training program.   Yes, I'm only doing about 2 miles in my allotted time.  Those LIARS!

This morning my music was perfect for me.  Songs would come on and just make me smile.  Seriously...when I'm doing something so perfect and good for my body how could I NOT smile when Right Said Fred's song "I'm Too Sexy" came on.  But the song that got me today was Twisted Sister...."We're not Gonna take it!"   No, I am NOT going to accept my obesity anymore.  I'm not gonna take it!  I'm gonna fight it for all it's worth!