The Power of Words and a New Job

 I survived my first week of work!  It was nerve wracking at moments.  Fun at other moments.  Tiring each day.  And well, if I want to be honest, it wasn't a terrible return to the working world. (Although I would still love to be able to NOT have to work!)   But one thing that really hit home this week was how damaged I am from my last job.  I've always known that words have the power to damage us deeply, but in all my years on earth I never really saw it as clearly as I did this week,my first week of training for my new job.

 So lets start with my new job.   I left early that first day.  I had to drive to Harrisburg (about 60 miles from my house) for training for the complete first week, which due to the holiday was actually only a 4 day work week.    I found the building with no problem and even had time to swing into a local store to use the bathroom so that I wouldn't have to walk in, introduce myself and immediately have to ask for the restrooms.  The commute wasn't difficult, only one day did I run into any issues (on the way home) that caused my drive to be longer.  The trainer was laid back and nice.  And most of the people in my training class are super nice.   As I suspected, it was nice to be with people again.  Working from home is fabulous, but it is very isolating.  (That said, I do still kinda wish I were working from home still....but I can see the benefits of working in the office..WITH PEOPLE.)

Training was not too difficult.  I have worked in a bank so much of the basic information that was given over the week was just a refresher.  Which is good as I haven't worked in a bank setting for about 8 years.   Really for me I need to learn the system that we will be using, the updated regulations and how this bank wants to proceed with various things.  So being fair it wasn't too terribly mentally taxing for me.   That being said, I was still totally focused and trying to pick it all up.  That, combined with commute and of course just the act of working again after 6 months and I was wiped out!  By Wednesday night I was sitting in my chair in the living room and was sound asleep by 7:30.  I remember Jason saying "You better wake up, otherwise you will have problems sleeping tonight."    I answered "I"m not sleeping, I"m kinda listening to the TV."   Of course I was sleeping!  But he was wrong about one thing, I slept soundly all night long also and only woke up about a half hour before the alarm.   But overall, the training wasn't too difficult and I feel that I got a good grasp on everything that we went over in class during the four days.

The problem for me was the residual damage of the powerful words that I heard for the last two years at my last job.  I wrote a few posts ago about the stress of life for the last few years.  (you can read that here)  In that post I talked about the associate that was directly above me in the line of power.  She was vicious.  She was cruel.  She was downright mean in the way that she said things to us.  My friend Linda (the same Linda that I just had a weekend girls get away with) has actually in the last six months used the word abusive in regards to the treatment of this 'superior'.  (And yes, I had gone higher up to discuss the treatment, but it just made things worse with this lady of power,  who was aptly named Karen.)   I had gotten away from it when I got laid off, and I thought that the last 6 months had been a time of healing for me.  How wrong I was.

The first day of our actual training was going well.  I was feeling comfortable and dare I say maybe even enjoying myself.....and then it happened.   We were given an activity to complete on our own.  It was a simple activity.   It was a scavenger hunt within the intraweb of the company.  We weren't being graded on it, it was just so that we could get familiar with the intraweb.   It should have been fun. It should have been easy.  Yet the task threw me into a spiral of panic.  Karen had beat it into my  that I made constant errors, that I was a screw up, that I was basically worthless.  Even though she kept giving me more responsibility and jobs....I know, her words didn't match her actions, but dang if those words don't hurt! (She also did it to other people, so I knew even at the time that she was just mean and it wasn't just me....but still....those words hit hard.)    So I sat with that activity in front of me at this new job, stomach rolling with fear.  I feared that I would get every answer incorrect.  I feared that I would be the only one that didn't even have my scavenger hunt done when it was time to review.   I feared that I couldn't find the answers.  I feared so much ......over a silly learning game. 

But do you know what?  I finished my scavenger hunt just fine, and in the time limit (heck, even earlier than the time limit).   I had found all of the answers.  I even got them all right!  I breathed a sigh of relief!  I talked to Linda about it on the drive home.  She told me that she had gone through the same thing when she went to her new place of employment.  I was happy to hear that I wasn't alone.   

The next day was the same thing.  When it came time for me to break off and do something individually I was driven to panic.  Yet I persevered and didn't let my panic derail me.  I again passed the roadblock with flying colors.  I wasn't struggling.  I wasn't getting anything incorrect.  I wasn't even the straggler in the class who was always painfully bringing up the rear with any task/activity.  Every task.  Each day.  The panic set in.  I kept up a constant stream of positive talk to myself, reminding myself that other than my years under 'Karen' that I had never had a problem and that all of the tasks that I had been asked to do previously in the week I had managed with ease.  Slowly throughout the week it started to get better.  I was less panicked each time.  I had figured out in my heart that I was more than capable and that it really just words in my head that were telling me that I was incapable.  

I don't think for even a second that the damage from the harmful words has been fixed.  I am pretty sure that Karen's words will come flying back and hit me square in the forehead time and time again.  But I'm not going to let her win!   I will keep pushing forward and proving to myself that everything that she said was a falsehood.

 Week one is completed and I am heading into week two.  This is still a week of training.  This week will be divided between my home office (three days) and the Harrisburg training classroom (two days).  So two days will require me to travel.  Monday and Tuesday will have me in the office shadowing my mentor.  Wednesday and Thursday I will be back in the classroom training and then starting Friday I will be back in the office and the mentor will be shadowing me for two days (scheduled two...but if Karen was right, it will be longer....hahahaha).   After that I should be good to go in the office, at least until the next training class for the next component of my job comes up which should be in August...then it will be back in the classroom for the next step in my training.

 I am excited to get into my office and meet my coworkers and get a feel for how the environment is at my actual office and that will happen on Monday!   And of course this upcoming week will mark my first 5 day week back!  And ok, it feels good to be know that I am once again working and NOT unemployed.  Now just to get those mean words out of my head!  But I am working on it.

 

Ohhh......and Zoey, my crazy dog.  We were super worried about her.  She hasn't been alone during the day much.  Short spurts and times in the last 6 months, up to about 8 hours but nothing longer. Remember for  most of her life I have been working at home and within 20 feet of her 24/7.  She did really well during the first week.  No messes.  She was super crazy excited to have me come home but she seems to be handling it well and while she is obviously saddened to see me go in the morning (oh yes, she puts on the most pitiful face) she doesn't seem to be affected overall!

Love Hate

I have a definite love hate relationship with running.  Sick as I was on Monday (and I don't remember much about monday...I pretty much spent from 12:30 AM until about 9PM on the recliner, sleeping), I still asked the doctor when I could resume running.  Yeah, even after my torturous run on Saturday I was concerned about running.  She kinda laughed at me running on Thursday but she cleared me to run.  Well, it's Wednesday night and I'll say pretty definitively that I will NOT be running tomorrow morning.  At this point I'm HOPING for this weekend.

And here is where the love comes in.....I reallly kinda miss running.  I did get out in the car twice today as a passenger. As I rode down the roads that I typically run I found myself thinking "I run on this road"  with a sound of nostalgic longing evident in my mental voice.   Wow...go figure.

Today I actually sat upright and tried to move around a bit more.  I feel sluggish and slow but no where near as exhausted.   The cough, rattle in my chest and the tightness in my chest has not let up though.  GRRR   And the rash...that the doctor said would respond immediately to the oral steroid regime is still kicking loud and strong.   Lucky me!

The longer this goes on, the more concerned I'm going to be about this half marathon.  I don't have much wiggle room in my training schedule.   Right now I feel I can probably still recover from this week of involuntary enforced lethargy.    We shall see.

The good news from my week of sickness???  Even with being on an oral steroid which apparently causes weight gain (water retention) I have dropped 6.4 pounds.   True pounds?  We shall see if I can maintain the through next week (or through whenever I am well again!!)

So my poor little Ethel....she has arthritis really bad in her back legs and doesn't jump up on furniture anymore....I left her up if I am around (and set her down when she wants down).  I was laying on the couch yesterday and I thought it was mertz nosing around....but before I knew it...my little achy kitty cat had somehow crawled herself up onto the couch to be with her mommy!   I moved over to allow her to lay with me.  She was so proud of herself.   She has spent hours with me on the couch yesterday and today.  HOURS.  That first visit when she was so proud she stayed with me for 6 hours straight. (no, I didn't move either).    She does nap but overall she is a GREAT nurse!

Slow but Mighty

The other day when I ran (Thursday) I was so proud of my run that I had made a comment to myself while I ran.  I actually even used the phrase in the blog post that I wrote later that day.   I can't get the phrase out of my mind.

Slow but Mighty

I ran those miles.  I opened up a can of Whoop Ass on those miles.   I smashed them!  I was slow but I was mighty.  My pace may not be something that will put me in the record book for running accomplishments.  But you know what?   For me, it is a MIGHTY accomplishment.  At my current weight?   It is a MIGHTY accomplishment.   Yes, it is MIGHTY!!!  I am MIGHTY.  

I came home and within a day I ran into this picture on Facebook.  

Wow, how perfect for my Strong but Mighty thoughts.   Absolutely perfect!      You see, it's so easy to get sucked into the mire of 'pace this' and 'pace that'.   But that is just a number.  (I want my pace to get better, and yes, I do keep track of my tortoise pace, but it's just a number.) The important thing is that I got out and DID it.  I put the miles on my legs.  I completed it. Slow doesn't matter.....perseverance and completion of the task is what matters!   I'm seeing daily improvements in my running.  I'm seeing myself run for longer stretches.  I see myself taking no prisoners in my running. I am improving!   And the kicker of these improvements?   I'm seeing the improvements in the midst of being sick!   How absolutely crazy is that????   What it boils down to is this.....I may not be totally happy with where I am at.  I wish I was faster.  I wish I could run further.  But I'm totally at peace and excited about where I am!!!!  

I am gearing up for my half marathon.  I am training and I'm feeling more and more confident that I can actually complete this half marathon.  I have laid out a few places that I am interested in site seeing whilst in Philly.  (Liberty Bell, US Mint, Betsy Ross House and Independence Seaport Museum) are on my short list)  I just found out that the gal that I was supposed to share a room with in Philly that weekend has backed out.   When we reserved the room, it was clearly and agreed upon a non-refundable purchase, text messages prove this point.   But as a courtesy, I am in the process of putting out some feelers to see if anyone wants to buy out her portion...so far no luck.

My eating yesterday was off the charts.....500 calories over my budget.   GRRRR  I'm going to blame it on the cookies that someone brought into work.   Yeah, it was the cookies fault!  Right?   Ok, I know that I can blame no one but myself.   I am the only one in charge of my destiny.   It is up to me to figure out how I want it to play out!

Today it is going to play out like this.  

*I am at work until noon. 

* I brought running clothes and I plan to change here and hit up the canal right after work.   I am scheduled for 5 miles.  But the easiest turn around point (without having to check my gps) is at the 3 mile point point so I am planning on a six mile run.   There are mile markers, so if I need to, I will know when I hit the 5 mile point on my run. (Where I am hopping onto the canal is at a mile marker) So if I need to stop running I can stop running and walk back to the car if need be.  That's the best I can do for a bailout option!   I am actually pretty excited about running this area today as it will be the first time since my husband and I separated that I will be running on this section of the canal.  It was a section that I ran/walked/biked quite frequently when I was married.  It will be like returning to an old friend!  I am a little worried about running at high noon.  I usually run in the mornings and very rarely in the evenings.  But this is when I have the opportunity to run 

*If the mowing has not been done by the time I get home, I will mow all of the properties.   

*  Shower and relax and dinner.

Safelite Repairs Safelite Replace

To the man in the Safelite van this morning.  Yes, you that passed a runner on May Street between The Terrace and Oak Hill......yes you, the one that flung your hand out the window to give me the thumbs up and then proceeded to yell, "You got this girl, keep going".    I thank you.    

When I was first starting to run, there was a man and his dog on the battlefield that I saw almost every time I ran.   He encouraged me everytime.  He was there the day that I completed my first ever 20 minutes straight of running.  (Yes, he just happened to be at the exact spot that I stopped running to begin my cool down.)  His simple words encouraged me and I learned to appreciate that.  At one point when I was training for the Cooper River Bridge Run (the one that I ended up walking because I hurt my foot a week or so before the run) I had a few people that randomly made encouraging comments as I ran by.  It boosted me up and made me run on.   Angels in disguise maybe.

Somewhere along the way recently, I lost sight of that.   Oh there have been some people that have made comments but I didn't 'hear' them.   Oh, my ears heard them but I was running with my then running partner (yup the same one that wouldn't run beside me but instead always ran 5 feet in front of me...it's not wonder my running was miserable.....why did it take me so long to realize that it was unhealthy?)   and she would also grouse and growl about how 'these guys just say stuff because they can't keep there eyes off of me"  and stuff like that.  She would growl and belly ache.  I never bought into that belief but just kept my mouth shut because it was easier to let her think she was all that than try to make her realize that she was allowing blessings to pass her by.  And honestly, because I hung out with her and was surrounded by that mentality, I lost site of the beauty of those blessings.  

Mr. Safelite today reminded me.   He reminded me that comments and words of encouragement are to be treasured.  

Want to know what else Mr. Safelites words did for me?  When he yelled out at me, I was about 3/4 of a mile into my run.  I have been consistently running my first mile to mile and a half with no stops and then stopping to walk maybe once a mile from there on out for the rest of my run.   Today, after his words,  I was determined to run every step of my 3.5 miles.  I only stopped to cross roads/wait for traffic and I stopped to walk once to check my mileage.    His words spurred me on to complete a fabulous run.  A slow but might run.  And yes, I'm still suffering from this chest congestion ickiness. ......imagine what I could have done if I was feeling spectacular!!!!!

My weight.   I showed a gain of a half pound this week.  I'm not surprised.  Chinese Buffet, Pizza, free for all salad bar, free pizza delivered to work.  Yeah, I'm not surprised.  However, I know what I did and I'm planning on fixing it!    

Me myself and I

The last couple months have been interesting. I am thinking that maybe I should refer to 2015 as the year of 'cleaning house'.  It seems as if I am eliminating things that are bad for me in my life.   As the final days of my marriage are winding down. (On paper...the marriage has been long over in reality.) I have all of a sudden sat up and started taking notice of my surroundings.  I have unfortunately said goodbye to some friends and people in my life.   One a few weeks back and another just this week.  It's not easy.  But I think it has been necessary for my well being.  I mean seriously....my name is MaryFran.     Call me MaryFrances which is my complete full name.  Call me MaryFran which is what half of the world calls me.   Heck, call me MF, a bunch of people call me that.   But whatever you do, do NOT call me Mary.  My mother was adamant about that when I was young and therefore, I do not associate myself with the name Mary.  You may as well call me Susan if you are going to call me Mary.   This most recent person has been in my life for maybe 7 months or so.....and they STILL had issues with calling me MaryFran.  Really?  It's not that difficult. It's actually disrespectful to not call me by the name that I was given at birth and the name that I chose to go by.   There were some other issues, but I had to cut that tie.   It's not healthy for me.  Just like the other person's constant drama and pandering.  The people that I've gotten rid of are much more crass and abrasive.   I don't appreciate that behavior and if honestly makes me uncomfortable.  I don't need that.......so moving on.   

Yes, this has left a huge hole in my life, socially speaking.  However, I will survive.

Weirdly enough, my soon to be ex (well, he already is my ex just not legally kinda sorta...long story) has turned into a decent friend.   Really it shouldn't be all that surprising as the only thing that held our marriage together is the fact that we lived as friends and that occasionally we would go out for the day and act as friends.  No, there is no chance of a reconciliation.   I laughingly told him that someone predicted that we would end up back together and before I could finish the sentence with the words "Cold day in H....E..... Double hockey sticks"  he said "Don't take this wrong but NO.....I believe I am a person that was meant to be single and even if you begged right now I'd have to say absolutely not!"    I was actually VERY relieved to hear that as it cleared the air for our friendship to actually flourish as FRIENDS.   

So this new found freedom from people that were dragging (potentially) me down.....what is my focus.   Running.   I run.  

 Sick again today...but the schedule showed a 3.5 mile run today so by golly, I got out there and did 3.72 miles.  My run was a bit slower in pace....by about 15 seconds per mile.  But I'm ok with that.  My chest hurts, my throat hurts and the cough is just downright annoying.....and I felt horrible croaking out in my raspy voice my hello's to the gardeners and such that I ran past.    But I did it.    Here is the crazy thing?   My legs felt absolutely fine.   My breathing was regulated.   I had a pretty decent run....except for the fact that my chest and throat felt horrid.  Yes, I did stop to walk for about 30 -60 seconds, three times.  Just needed to walk a bit to ease up the tight feeling in my chest.  (the tightness of the sickness increases when I run).   Regardless.....I ran....SICK!

My weight.....that is another thing that I plan on focusing on.  

 Right now I have a big GRRRRRR   I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning.  Friday night I went to a Chinese Buffet.......Not the greatest of choices I know.   Saturday evening I went to Cafe Italia (Hagerstown, MD) with my parents and their friend Kathy.  I was planning on ordering a grilled chicken salad.  Really, I was.  Until the three guys beside our table ordered one of the HUGE pizza's and it drew my attention.  So of course I switched to a pizza.  SOOOO yummy.   (Technically I wasn't over my calories as I had run 4.3 miles that morning...but well....we know me and what happens when I eat my exercise calories....I either gain or if I'm lucky, I maintain.)   Sunday I went out geocaching and ended up eating at Hoss's Steakhouse.  I got the salad bar......and ate mostly salad.....with macaroni salad on the said. (yeah, call me weird but one of their french dressings tastes FABULOUS on top of the macaroni salad).   I had two plates of salad.....a bowl of soup and two different small pieces of dessert.  I had three on my plate......the third only tasted mediocre so I didn't eat more than the first nibble....VICTORY.   

So three days of eating.....not exactly on point.  And my weight was up.   and I'm back at the low end of that that stupid 5 pound range that I have struggled to get out of.    

I will leave you with a giggle about my morning run today.

My dad usually walks in the morning and once or twice I have seen him as much of the time our walks/run overlap.   Today was not one of those days.  When I got home, the first words out of my mom's mouth was "Did you see your dad today while you were out running?"    I honestly answered with a negative and then watched as mom burst out laughing hysterically.   According to mom, my father had been walking and he saw me in the distance....so he called out hello.....once or twice.   And the poor girl looked at him and took off running.   It wasn't me....so dad freaked out some poor innocent girl.   (the story may have  been embellished a bit by my mother....I will have to check with daddio when I get home tonight....although he has texted me and said "PLEASE tell me that was you on such and such road this morning at about 7:30"  Ha ha ha.....

Neither Rain, Sleet, snow.....

Or what feels like an elephant sitting on my chest will keep me from my run!

Yes, I am still feeling icky.  I woke up this morning and knew that I had a run scheduled for some point this weekend.  Once again I didn't feel totally well...and actually felt another step worse than yesterday. SO, I decided to go today.  Get it done and out of the way in case I am feeling even worse tomorrow (God forbid).  

I got to talking with my dad before heading out and got to laughing.  Laughing made me cough.  Coughing made me gag.  Gagging made my father laugh.   Which made him cough.  Which made me laugh.  Which made me gag.  Vicious cycle!  I had to step away to gather myself and within a few minutes, with my stomach still feeling weird from gagging, I headed out.  (I knew that the gagging was a result of laughing and I knew that I don't normally laugh on my runs so I should be fine!)

I set out with some trepidation and actually wondering if I could make it. I was determined to give it my best shot.

And I did it.  I completed my miles.  I actually probably walked less than I have in my most recent runs.  My first walk didn't hit until almost the 2 mile mark...and was only 30-60 seconds.  From that point on, I walked maybe every 3/4 of a mile for roughly 30 seconds each time.   I determined to run to a certain point and I did.......and when I looked at my tracker......Wooo hooo.....it must have paused when I went to put it in my run buddy pouch.  It didn't track my run at all!   Luckily for me, it showed me when I had started it and paused it ...so I knew how long I had been running.....and I had decided to run the exact same route as last Sunday!    So I was still able to get my stats.....and happily I can say that even sick, I ran it faster than last week!

I was a bit nervous because I had Chinese (Buffet too...arrgghh) for dinner last night.   I wasn't sure how that was going to affect my weight.  But I am happy to say that my weight remained the same from yesterday to today.   I am making sure I drink lots of water so that I don't have any residual weight gain...but right now I'm feeling pretty good about my weight loss efforts.

Unplugged

I decided this morning to go out for my run totally unplugged.  Little did I know how unplugged I was going to be!

I ran the Krumpe's run relatively unplugged.  I didn't run any tracking app.  I didn't run any heart rate monitor.  I listened to music and just trusted the timing device provided by the race organizers.  It worked and I pushed myself and did ok.  So this morning when I got ready to head out for my run, I decided to go unplugged.  I decided to listen to music and have mapmyrun track my progress.   That would only interrupt me every mile...which would be good so that I didn't cut my run too short.  (Scheduled 4 miles today.)

All was good.  I hit the music and headed out.  2 songs into my run the voice in the headphones interrupted me to say "charge me"   Ohhhhhh heck.....my heart sank.  I never tested how long I could run after I go the message to charge my headphones.   I hoped it was an hour, as that was how long I was planning that my run would probably be.  As I ran, I thought about my path and decided on the route that I would take to make it roughly 4 miles.  All was good  And then the voice reminded me to 'charge me' again.   Thanks for the notice...but I kept running, I had a run scheduled and I was NOT going to be deterred.  No way...no how!    Just shy of a mile and my headphones went dead.  Yup....silent.   That means no music, no notifications of the miles.  Just me, my thoughts and my feet pounding the pavement.  

I ran the first mile or so with no breaks.  The second mile I broke for about 30 seconds to a minute mid mile.  The third mile I ran with no breaks.  And the fourth mile...well I walked a few more times.  (And of course rough estimates of mileage since I had no voice whispering in my ear).    

I got to where I assumed would be roughly the 4 mile mark and I was almost dead on!  I was right.  3.96 miles.  So I ran onward and then walked the other three tenths of a mile home.  First 'long' run of half marathon training completed.  (and yes, I know that 'long' is a relative term and in a few weeks I will be saying "four miles is a short run!")

I got home and drank some water....lots of water. 

Did I say I drank some water??   I must remember that in the heat, with longer runs, I am going to have to carry some water with me.  I made myself a bacon (turkey bacon), egg and cheese sandwich ate it with some strawberries and called it a morning.

Some geocaching, lunch out (Panera Bread Strawberry Poppy seed chicken salad is SOOOO yummy..I hate to see it leave when the season ends) and then a visit with my friend.  Home in the evening for some backed zuchini parmesan and a movie (I finally joined the world and saw the Disney Movie, "Frozen") and just some relaxing.    I closed out the evening with some Vanilla Oreo Cookies.  Yum!   Fun, productive (laundry completed amidst my days activities) and relaxing!

And if you didn't notice?  My eating is spot on today!   I have been stuck in a 5 pound weight vortex for the last bunch of months.  On Wednesday I was at the top end of my 5 pound range at 254.  I kept food pretty solid through Thursday and Friday and yesterday I was at 250 when I woke up.  I was determined.   TOTALLY determined to not mess this up. I ate breakfast......I ate a basic lunch (emphasis on fruits and veggies) and I planned out my dinner.  I knew my family was going to Southwest Moe's.  I looked at the calories and realized that I could 'afford' an Art Vandalay JUNIOR and the side of chips.   I didn't succumb to the full sized Art.  I ate the Junior.  I didn't succumb to the queso.  I didn't succumb to the extra chips.  I ate what I had the calories for. And guess what?   This morning my weight was 249.8.   Holy Moley!  I dropped below the vortex!   So yes, my food today....calculated and planned.  I was actually spot on at my planned calorie count today, with the exception of the oreos.  The oreos were over my 1200 calories, however according to mapmyrun, I earned just shy of 1000 calories...and geocaching usually nets me a mile or two of walking.  So I'm not worried about the 227 calories of those four cookies.  :-)     

Yesterday I had the fun of going to the most interesting bike race.  High wheels....the old fashioned bicycles.  How fun!  :-)

Failure is NOT an option

I talked in my last post that I wasn't going to allow excuses in my life and that I had a plan to make sure that my snafu or not riding in the morning didn't mean that I forwent my planned ride.  I put my plan into motion.  I contacted my walking partner and asked her if we could delay our walk until 7:30.  That gave me a half hour to close up work, get home, change, grab my bike, my shoes for walking and get to the battlefield.  I would ride for an hour and then walk with Sherry after my ride.  It worked like a charm!

I got an hour bike ride in and I walked and got my chit chat session in.  It was all in all a good evening!

Soooooo I'm going to get the white elephant out in the open.  I bought my new bike and was so excited.  I knew it would be an adjustment but didn't expect too much difficulty.  Seriously, I ride my trek quite a bit...I rode it on Monday for 20 miles....it shouldn't be too difficult to ride a road bike.....right?   I however quickly figured out that my new bike threw me into a world of hurt.  Yes.  It's a painful experience.   It HURTS!

Lets start at the bottom. 

*My toes go numb when I ride.  I can't really say that it's anything to do with my new bike.  My toes go numb on my Trek too....so I'm not too concerned about that.

* My left foot HURTS.  I don't know if we attached the clip into the shoe a bit off or something (I'm going to have my brother look at it).  I know that I've had some pain in this foot for more than a year, so it could just be a combination of that issue and a different use of the foot.  I ignore this pain. 

* Hills.  I typically ride the canal on my Trek (or a rail trail).  It's relatively flat.   Hills make the thighs SING and burn!!!!   Not too concerned, this is just a problem that will happen and will ease up as I build up the different muscle set that is conducive to hilly bike ridng.

* Back.  Yeah, I'm more hunched over when I ride my lite speed.  My back feels it.  It gets stiff and achy.  Once again this will ease up as I get used to riding a road bike.

*My arms and upper body get SOOOO tired and achy as my hands and arms support my upper body on the bike.  I ache.   Once again.....just building up the body, muscles and getting adjusted.   It's all good.

So yeah, I'm in a world of hurt with this.  But I will NOT fail.  I will NOT let the bike beat me!   I know it's just a thing of DOING it on a regular basis.  I just need to remember that it WILL get easier!

SOooo on the bike tonight I was riding along and hurting.  I carried on a two sided conversation in my head. 

MaryFran:  I want to quit!!!!
Voice: Why?
MaryFran:  It hurts!
Voice:  Are you dying?
MaryFran:  No
Voice:  Then keep going.  Suck it up buttercup.

And I did.  I kept going and I didn't die. 

I'm planning on going riding with Todd on Saturday (weather permitting and he doesnt back out).  I've suggested the Washington and Old Dominion Rail Trail.  I've told him that I plan on taking my lite speed and riding that.  I've already informed Todd that I will probably be snivelling and cryng by the time we are done! (ok, maybe not quite that bad)

I will conquer this.  Failure is NOT an option.  I will get to the point that I can ride with my brother and not hold him back (too much at least).  I will conquer this and knock these bucket list bike rides off my list.  I will WIN!

Change of plans

You know, I had a whole long post planned about my woes in training. Namely a bit of sore (a follicle cyst actually) that rubs when I ride. (Mainly on the exercise bike). But things changed.

I was humbled by my blog. I started writing my blog as an outlet for my feelings as I have followed this path to good health. I thought that it would be a great way to keep a record of the ups and downs of my journey. Basically chronicling my weight loss. I didn't know it would take this long, and I didn't have any idea how many times I would slip. But I did. Somewhere along the way I picked up some readers. Cool...but my blog is still my outlet, my place to be open and honest with myself about what's happening. I let it all hang out on here (in regards to my weight loss efforts). Today I received something in the mail (thank you Valerie!) that really brought me up short and made me realize how much my words and thoughts are being read. My words, my struggles have the capacity to help others even as I still feel as if I'm failing miserably in this journey. I realize that true failure is giving up. But, in the strictest sense of the word, I have felt like a failure of late. I have gained weight and I'm struggling to get it back off. (Even today...supposedly my day two of being on track, I ate too much at lunch...not bad stuff...but just more than I needed). But admitting the issues is not failure. Failure can only occur if i throw in the towel and say I don't' care, I"m not going to try anymore.

And that long paragraph is there to say that I shouldn't feel like a failure....yes, I've gained a bit back...and I'm struggling....but I've not given up, which is the only sure fire failure!

OK...I will give a brief highlight of the happenings:

*Yes, yesterday I did really good with eating and drinking. Today I overindulged at lunch. I had cottage cheese, strawberries, applesauce, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and not one...but two 1 point weight watcher cookies! With what is planned for dinner, I'll be a bit over my points. I was thinking in terms of failure before I got my mail at the post office...but I'm not going to do that anymore. Soooooo looking at it successfully...here goes. While I ate too much according to my new standards. I can guarantee that there 'twas a day that what I ate for lunch would have been considered an appetizer.....and a pretty lame one at that. My overindulgence (other than the 1 point cookies) was all healthy foods. Foods that are good for me. I didn't overindulge in foods that were unhealthy for me (well, except for the cookies...but even they were at least 1 pointers instead of the high pointed homemade ones).
*My weight dropped this morning. I did good yesterday and saw a drop on the scales. (maybe I'll take every ones advice and ignore the scales for the next few days). The positive. I can see how a day of healthy 'living' can make a difference.
*Training continueth. I rode last night. I didn't ride this morning. It was really overcast (Of course I come to work and the sun comes out and dries up the roads). The positive. Todd and i are planning on going out tomorrow for a long ride. I was nervous about doing a big hilly ride today and still having some energy in my legs for tomorrows ride. So the decision making was taken away from me.
*At the risk of giving TMI, I have a bit of a problem. The saddle on the upright exercise bike rubs me in a bad way....and has caused a bit of a sore. No, this is not a failure...it's a minor little problem that will be attended to. The positive.....well, I can say that this is my first ever sports injury! At 315 pounds my name and the phrase 'sports injury' were never uttered in the same breath!

Positive thinking!!!