I Love You Mama

 I think my post title sums up everything I need to say.

Friday morning started as any other day.  I woke up and started my day like normal.  I was only awake for about 15 minutes when my phone rang. It was my brother telling me that he had just gotten off the phone with the nursing home.  Mom had died.  

 

It was unexpected. Sure, she had very limited mobility.   OF course,  she had been in the hospital for a week earlier this year.   But there was no indication that she was at the end.   So it was a bit of a shock.

I'm filled with grief and sadness.  But being honest, this is a good thing.  I know where my mother is now.  I know that my mom is no longer struggling with the most basic of life functions.  You see, she never recovered after the stroke 1.5 years ago and she struggled emotionally  with the loss of her mobility and freedom.

 The arrangements have been made, and we are in that stage between death and services.  Limbo land.   When my father died, I ate my way through my grief.   Seriously, I ate anything and everything!  I also gained about 8-10 pounds in that one week!   Within an hour of receiving the news that my mom had passed away I had already told Jason, "I'm not gaining this time, so no scads of donuts, ice cream, cakes and candies!"   

Let me tell you, it has been difficult!  That first day, I wanted to drown my sorrows at Burger King or Mcdonalds on the way to my brothers where we met to start making the arrangements!   I didn't!  I stuck to my cheerios!   The next day when Jason and I went down for the identification before cremation I wanted to stop again for fast food!  I wanted to pick up donuts!  I wanted it all!  I didn't!   I did have a higher calorie day (1700's) but the other two days since I received the news my calories have been in the 1300's!  The scales?   Right now I am maintaining!  I"ll take that as a victory!

 My word of the week for this week?  It's another phrase....... "hang on"

Time for change

 It is time for change!  Big or little, I don't know yet!   But this weight loss journey has been full of ups and downs and lots of changes along the way and I think that another change is imminent! But what changes are coming?  

Weekly Weigh In

Let me start with my weekly weigh in.  I officially weigh in on Fridays and I weighed in at the same weight that I was last week.  To the ounce.  I have been maintaining for the last few weeks.  It is NOT for lack of trying.  I am eating within a caloric range that should have me losing mad weight in a healthy manner.  But it is just not working.   Furthermore, it is seriously depressing and disheartening!  I can't tell you how many tears I've cried recently over this journey.   Sure, I know; a maintain is a victory.  Still being here and present is a victory.  But it's a shallow victory and not one that is bolstering me for the journey still ahead of me!

Changes

So what changes am I going to make?  I'm not exactly sure.  I simply know that what I am doing right now is NOT working.  Sure, I'm losing weight here and there.  But it is in fits and starts.  I will have a week where my calories intake is not that bad and I gain.  There seems to be no rhyme or reason.   It is making me look deeper and I came up with a few different thoughts.

**  I am cheating on my plan and have no willpower.  Even as I write this, I know that that is not the case.  I am quite honest with myself and the food that I put into my daily food/calorie tracker.   My calories that I report are what I am eating!

** My calories in versus calories out plan is no longer a plan that is working for me.  This made me wonder if I should go back to trying Weight Watchers.  I lost a heck of a lot of weight years ago on WW.  In fact, I made it to lifetime status with the program.  However, I regained and while I tried to lose with the program I needed a change so I stepped away.   More recently, in early 2020 I rejoined WW...it was right before the pandemic and I stopped shortly after the pandemic reared it's ugly head and went back to calorie counting.   

**I have learned valuable things.  Complex carbs are my enemy.....where my body needs to be in terms of calories for optimal weight loss.....etc.  Shouldn't I be able to come up with a plan that is satisfying to my soul and my body??

** Exercise is good for my fitness levels.  My body needs exercise.  But I know that weight is lost in the kitchen and not the gym.

So where does my thoughts lead me?  It is leading me to reading books and researching.  It is leading me to look for a happy medium and a long term solution to my problems.  I will not.....NEVER.....do any fad or crazy diet plan.  That is not sustainable.  My goal is health and that is my first priority.  BUt I'm looking....I am searching....I am reading.   

I am currently reading a book that has made me feel better about where I am and my frustration levels.  It is in the opening chapters but it makes a lot of sense and I am hopeful that it will give me lots of amazing insight for getting back on track in a way that works for my life and my body!   I'm still reading though!  

Stay tuned....change is coming.  It has to.  For me to continue to do the same thing in this weight loss journey is sheer madness.  It's not working...which means that SOMETHING has to change if I want to change!

Sitting on the Fence

This week has not been a raging success.   This week has not been a colossal failure.   This week has simply been a steady line.  And honestly...for that, I am amazed because the week has been nuts!

Yes...you read that right.  In terms of weight loss...I am sitting still. My numbers from last week to this week remained largely the same.  There was not much fluctuation on the scales. On one hand that totally disgusts me.  I’m not eating crazy amounts of food.  I’m eating 1400-1500 calories daily.   Typically I limit my carbs.  I haven’t done too badly overall.  So it is annoying as all get out that I’m still sitting here with the scales not moving. However, this week has been nuts at work!   I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth.   There is a new launch at work.  Hopelessness, confusion, stress, worry and feelings of being overwhelmed are just a smattering of feelings that have courses through me this week. And let me tell you, those feelings linger and stay within me even after the work day is over.  The launch of these new (to me and my coworkers)  products is slated for Monday...ready or not.   And I do NOT feel ready.  The last launch of something new was 2-3 months ago and that launch week brought tears and a really rough first week.....and I felt prepared for that launch...unlike this one.  So I fear next week...thus incredible stress.    I am vowing to eat right and not let the stress drive me toward food.   And I plan to continue with my exercise bike rides on my breaks/lunch.    I want a loss...but I know that realistically a maintain this week and next will be a victory!  

It’s been a rainy week but Jason and I have managed to dodge the raindrops and have continued to get our after work walks in each night.  We got wet/damp one or two nights..but never drenched.   The forecast isn’t looking good today...so we shall see about tonight’s walk!

I am still on track with my  2021 mile challenge!  It is rare that I don’t get my minimum requirement of 6 miles for each day. So I’m happy with that!

Mertz has stayed close to me while I have been at work.  Many days she gets on my desk and is in my face.  She must be sensing my stress...she hasn’t been in my face and on my desk...but I have caught her a few times laying on the cat braided mini rug! My girl staying close!