Getting back to Normal

 What a week. My word for last week was Hang On. I did just that.  I held on for dear life and tried to not let go.   

  I never expected to be burying my mom last week.  Yet we did. As a family we had some laughs and some tears.  I had handled my dad's death so well that I thought I would breeze through mom's death.  But no, this has hit me hard.  The best way to put it is that there is just this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I think when dad died I knew I still had one parent there and it gave me comfort.  But now.....there is nothing and just a hole in my heart.  I know...it will get easier.  

  Hanging on is exactly what I did.  Oh, I wanted to eat horribly, but I kept my eating in line most days.  The final day was the toughest of all.   I have taken on a project where I am taking a pile of papers that include my mothers recipes and I am digitizing them.   What I am doing is typing the recipes onto the computer.  I am then scanning/taking a picture of the recipe that mom wrote (some with stains and hard to read) and I am placing that on the page with the recipe.  So we have a nice version to recreate some of mom's baked goods but also so that we have a picture of her actual recipe.   IN this way, we can have things organized neatly and not taking up scads of space.     The problem with this project?  It makes me want to bake!  Many of the recipes that she made are already in my personal recipe file...but that doesn't matter...it makes me want to bake!  I resisted the temptation....UNTIL I upgraded my Kitchen Aid mixer.  I had a tilt top.......I have taken one of mom's kitchen aids.  So I had a 'new to me" toy to play with. (once again, it was mom's I've used all of her mixers many times...but it was new to me and in my house).   So I caved and made cookies yesterday morning.  I did take half of them to my in-laws to share with them!  (got them out of my house!)   Even so, my calories for yesterday was still until 2,000.  (right at about 1700 so I"m good with that).

My word of the week for this week is ROUTINE.  I need to get back into my routine.  I need that routine in place in order to have success!    I fell back into the routine this morning and I"m counting on that old routine to carry me through this first week back.

2024 miles in 2024.  I was so happy a week and a half ago because I was ahead in my miles for the year.    I knew that being ahead was important for a 'rainy day'.   Well, last week was rainy.  I didn't do much riding on the bike (I did get one or two days in) and while some of the days my step count was great, others my step count was in the garbage!   I did not meet my weekly goal....no where close!    Luckily I had those banked extra miles.  They saved me from not getting behind for the year.  I literally have about 1/2 of a mile extra now!  There is no wiggle room!  I have to get to moving and start banking miles again!

It wasn't an easy week....but I think I can say it was a successful week, all things considering!  

I Love You Mama

 I think my post title sums up everything I need to say.

Friday morning started as any other day.  I woke up and started my day like normal.  I was only awake for about 15 minutes when my phone rang. It was my brother telling me that he had just gotten off the phone with the nursing home.  Mom had died.  

 

It was unexpected. Sure, she had very limited mobility.   OF course,  she had been in the hospital for a week earlier this year.   But there was no indication that she was at the end.   So it was a bit of a shock.

I'm filled with grief and sadness.  But being honest, this is a good thing.  I know where my mother is now.  I know that my mom is no longer struggling with the most basic of life functions.  You see, she never recovered after the stroke 1.5 years ago and she struggled emotionally  with the loss of her mobility and freedom.

 The arrangements have been made, and we are in that stage between death and services.  Limbo land.   When my father died, I ate my way through my grief.   Seriously, I ate anything and everything!  I also gained about 8-10 pounds in that one week!   Within an hour of receiving the news that my mom had passed away I had already told Jason, "I'm not gaining this time, so no scads of donuts, ice cream, cakes and candies!"   

Let me tell you, it has been difficult!  That first day, I wanted to drown my sorrows at Burger King or Mcdonalds on the way to my brothers where we met to start making the arrangements!   I didn't!  I stuck to my cheerios!   The next day when Jason and I went down for the identification before cremation I wanted to stop again for fast food!  I wanted to pick up donuts!  I wanted it all!  I didn't!   I did have a higher calorie day (1700's) but the other two days since I received the news my calories have been in the 1300's!  The scales?   Right now I am maintaining!  I"ll take that as a victory!

 My word of the week for this week?  It's another phrase....... "hang on"

A week from.....

There may have been a day...or two where I ate donuts for breakfast...donuts for lunch and then finished the day with a donut or two for dinner.    There may have been cake.....and ice cream...and Reece’s cups.  There may have been indiscriminate eating.   Oh and then there was thanksgiving.

Yeah for the last week...to week and a half my eating has been horrible!!!   Absolutely horrible!   Jason and I have vowed that come Monday we are cleaning up our act!!!

Why wait until Monday?  Well really no VALID reason because there really is no time like now.  But that said....Monday!

I’m an addict.  And this week I have just thrown up my hands and said to hell with trying to beat the addiction.....it wasn’t important and I didn’t care.   

So instead of beating around the bush and trying to ignore what I don’t want to write....

Yes...that’s my dad.  Yes....you read the caption on the picture right.   So I guess I have a good enough reason as to why I took a break from caring about what I eat.

Avalanche

Grrrrr. Somehow my Saturday post didn't go live!   So I guess another day where we have two posts!!

How do I want to die???

Do I want to die at the age of 50 when my hover-round that I may have to use at that point because of severe obesity, gets struck my lightening???

Do I want to die at the age of 60, after living in a nursing home for a few years all because of complications from my weight...diabetes, heart disease, burned out knees and hips...a body that can no longer stand the pressure and demands of an obese body???

But maybe....just maybe I can be 70 years old and standing on the summit of a mountain that I just hiked....and planning on hiking a thru-trip of the Appalachian trail.

Maybe...just maybe I can be 80 years old and biking the whole length C&O canal on a tandem bike with Jason!

Maybe at 90 or 100 or even plus some  I will die. We are not immortal.  But Maybe I will be the death that everyone talks about...the 100 year old lady that was out extreme skiing and died in a freak avalanche!!  

There is no guarantee as to how long we live. I think we all know that. But there are choices that we make in our life that can influence the when and how....so my question is this....

How do I want to die??

I don't want to die when my hover-round /lark/wheelchair gets struck my lightening!  I want to go out shaking my fist at the world and living life to the fullest!  

So what does that mean?  That means that right here and right now I have to make changes!!!!   Now is the time to fix the unhealthy habits in my life. Now is the time to create healthy habits that will increase the odds of a healthy long lasting active healthy life!

I have slowly been implementing these changes.

I've been tracking my food.

I've been trying to increase my water intake (and tracking it)

I've challenged myself to 2017 miles in the year 2017 in an attempt to move more.

I'm really trying!

I want to live...and with Jason in my life, all of a sudden I want to live even more! I want to grow old with him and have a fun active life!

So this weekend I made a vow.  This weekend I decided that my quest for my steps wasn't enough. I needed to step it up.  I didn't aim big.  I knew that there were two days that I would be leaving for work at 7AM and two days that I wouldn't be leaving until 9AM.  My goal?  Exercise two times!   That is two outside runs.  Optimistically I would like to get to the gym early on those 7AM days...but I set my goal at 2 days.  I want to have a victory and not yet another failure!

This morning I woke up and laid in bed.  It was dark outside.  I knew I wasn't going out to run yet.  I laid there and relaxed. And then I started to try to reason my way out of running!  The weather was probably bad!   It was dark.  Was that a pain in my side???   

Then I read a post on Facebook where some people were putting their daily goals out there.   And they were aiming for 5 times this week!  Or even more!  Yeah...I felt like a wuss!!!  I posted and declared my goals...and furthermore announced my plan to run!!   Oh yeah..as soon as I did it, I kicked myself!!!

But it motivated me to get up and get dressed!!!

And then I looked at the dollhouse I am building. I worked on the porch and bay window last night...it was taped/clamped.  I so wanted to see it.  So I sat down, dressed for my run to check it out!!

Yup..looked good! 

But then I thought about the bathroom and kitchen...the first two rooms I will tackle when it is completely done.  I wanted to see how the bathroom stuff that I have would look and get an idea of the layouts!!!

I laid paper and drew some possible kitchen cabinets on the floor..

Yup..before I knew it it was 7:45...and I had to leave the house for work at 9! (my coworkers usually like me to be showered when I arrive at work..so I was really running out of time!)

I flew...because I was NOT failing!  I stepped outside and my heart stopped!

Wet!!!  It was  raining!!!   But I kept moving and got 2.2 miles in!!!

It was rough....slow...and just not a good run...but does that surprise me?  No, my previous run was on thanksgiving day!!!  That's a lot of time and I didn't expect it to be easy!  

So this weekend was another fabulous one...we tried to stay moving and active with antique shops and looking through junk!  (And antiques).  We also spent a day at Arlington National Cemetery. We walked...no tour bus for us!!!

We saw monuments....

The changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown.....

President kennedy's grave....

President Taft's grave.....

Arlington House (General Lee's home before the civil war) .....

More monuments.....

A gorgeous amphitheater where we each took a turn and sat on the marble throne/seat.....

Row after row of graves....

And a beautiful overlook of our nations capital!  I got my steps in that day for sure!!!!

A good weekend!  The weather is supposed to be fabulous next weekend...do I smell a bike ride or a hike????

Fact, Fiction and myth

Even in the midst of this crisis that has me reeling in my personal life, I'm walking with my head up.  I'm walking with more 'swagger'.  I have lost 4.4 pounds since the new year.  That is fabulous!  But those four pounds have not changed me.  What has changed me is that for the first time in a while, I actually have taken control of myself.  I am not letting my addiction beat me down and take over all decisions in my life. I am taking control of myself.  And it feels GREAT!   My confidence in myself is blossoming!  It's amazing how being in control makes me feel better about myself.   The fact of the matter? The more I can manage this, the more the confidence blossoms.  It's like a  snowballs, it keeps growing!

Todd and I have been saddened.   A long time client at our business has passed away.  He died from obese related illnesses.  The diseases and illnesses started out simply and kept compounding one upon another.  He actually tried to get gastric bypass at one point but his obesity had taken it's toll on his body and he needed to lose a significant amount of weight to try to erase enough of those effects to make him a candidate.  About two years ago, our client was told by his doctors that he HAD to lose weight.  His weight was killing him.  There was nothing they could do to prolong his life.  It was HIS responsibility...no one else could save him.  His close friends held an intervention.  But sadly, he had given up and nothing could change his mind.  He passed late last week  from obesity driven diseases and illnesses that ravished his body. He was close to my age, in his early 40's.      It's sad.  It's also a reminder to me that my excess weight and my bad habits really CAN kill me.  It is not a myth....weight DOES kill!

Yesterday my food was spot on and my hour of zumba was a killer!   I noticed a change in myself during zumba.  I've been going to my class religiously for years.  Last night I was halfway through and I realized that in the last year or so I've only been going through the motions at my classes.  Last night, automatically my body kicked into overdrive and I put my all into it.  I don't want to hex myself, but I think I really have turned the corner and I'm ready to DO IT!

Emotionally, I'm holding it together.   Health wise, I'm rockin' it!  Eating is spot on (even my macaroni on Monday night was not a disaster. It was unplanned and definitely not necessary but in the grand scheme of things it only threw me 100 calories over my low daily goal...1411 calories for the day is still fabulous!).  Exercise is rolling.  I'm focused.  I'm motivated.  Like I said, I'm rockin' it!

It'll be ok

Yes, it will be ok. I gained 2.2 pounds this week (actually over the last two weeks). Am I disappointed???? Highly. But, at least I expected it. I refuse to let it get me down though. I'm just going to redouble my efforts and get it off! I know I can do it!

bad week

This was a bad week for my diet. On one hand I'm actually tickled that my weight has remained in the same range. BUT, this was a very stressful week, Todd and I were getting ready to go on vacation and stopped by to say goodbye to his mom. We found her in bed, delirious. APparently, the cancer in her bones was not only eating the bones, but releasing all that calcium into her bloodstream...causing delirium. From research and from what Hospice said, I knew that this was going to lead to her death. We cancelled our vaction and we started spendign 20 hours out of the day over there. It was a rough week. When we did find time to eat, it was really bad food. We live in the country...restaurants are not plentiful so we ate where we could catch a bite. AND to make matters worse, even when we were at home, there was no food....remember we were leaving for vacation so we had no food at the house...ok we had food but the basics that you need to prepare that food was/is missing. So, eating bad and exhaustion was my week. I didn't drink my water like I should be doing. Last night was the first night I slept in my bed, she passed yesterday and I weighed myself this morning. I was sad to see 2 pounds up...but tickled because that could really be water retention or something......it could have been a lot worse! But what an interesting lesson to see what happens when things get bad in my life.