How to stop the Self Sabotage in a Weight Loss Journey

 I have been thinking about self sabotage a lot lately.  It is such a real problem for me.  I have some incredible weeks and I am FINALLY moving in the right direction on the scales and it feels as if I am in control and on top of the world.  Everything is going in the right direction and then all of a sudden...BOOM....I find myself in the kitchen eating food with no control.  I even recognize my actions while I'm gorging on the food.  But I say "I don't care."   Why?  Why do I stop caring??

Years ago I made a hefty realization.  I realized that I was totally afraid to lose the weight. I was afraid to shed my fat because I wear the fat as a suit of armor to protect me from the world.  It is my insulation.   The fat is my excuse for everything. "Ohhh, I didn't get that job....must have been discrimination because I was fat".   Makes total sense doesn't it?    Ok to a food addict fat suit of armor wearing girl it does!   Any thing that went wrong....blame it on the fat!  Because you see, it's easier to blame things on the FAT.  It's easier to blame the fat versus say "well maybe I didn't get the job because I bombed the interview" or "maybe I didn't get the job because I am not qualified".  Those are failures and shortcomings of myself and they are harder to admit to!  It's easy to admit to the weight....everyone see it...it's already well known!  So I use it as an excuse!

So to stop the self sabotage in a weight loss journey we need to sit back and we need to think about what is causing us to be fearful.  What are we afraid of?  What is making us be afraid to shed the excess pounds.  Are you afraid of actually discovering who you really are without the fat suit?  Are you afraid that someone won't love you?  Or that someone will love you?  Are you afraid of the unknown?  What is the fear....because sabotage begins in fear!   

Each of us have different fears....but sabotage is rooted in fear.  We have to face those fears.  We have to figure out what we are afraid of and then say,  "What is the worst thing that will happen should I come face to face with my fear"? And once you actually go that far....you have to weigh the risk and benefits and I am 100% positive that the benefits outweigh (pun intended) the risks!  (and let me say...from experience...if you are afraid of losing someone in your life if you lose the weight.....then they are not worthy of being in your life in the first place!!!!)

Self Sabotage.......it's just fear wrapped up in a pretty package/word!   Face the fears and conquer them!!!!

open and honest

My plan today was to sit down and actually think about what scares me about shedding all of my fat suit of armor that I wear. What is causing me to sabatage my efforts. Yeah, I'm addicted to food and yeah, I really like food. But I am ultimately in control and I have learned how to say no and control those urges. So why am I now sturggling with seemingly no determination.

Sooo my first list is a list of answers to these questions: What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to lose the weight? Why do I think I'm not worth it?

*for the sake of privacy one or two have been deleted and found only in my private journal, which is where I originally created this list**
1. I'm afraid to shed my fat suit and thereby allow my own personality to shine. I've hidden behind this fat for so long that I don't know who the real MF is anymore.
2. If I shed the fat suit, I will not be able to use my fatness as an excuse for any failures. I use my fat as an excuse when things don't go my way, it's easire than accepting responbility.
3. My fat suit allows me to live in my own insulated world. A world in which I don't have to take chances or step outside of my comfort zone. (chances and risks open me up for failure and failure scares me).
4. Lowing the weight and being a total success puts me at a greater risk of failure (should I gain it back)
5. I never dated much before my husband~~I guess in my mind that I feel that I wasn't worthwhile to date. Therefore I don't think that I'm worthwhile to invest this time and energy into myself!

Reasons why I am worth it!

1. I'm a child of God and was wonderfully and individually created.
2. I liked the person that I was before I put on the fat suit and before the fat suit started draining my personality. I was fun and goofy, but it suited me.
3. Success is not possible without the expenditure of risk.
4. Deep down under all these layers of fat a butterfly awaits to emerge from it's cacoon. While life may not turn around and it will definitely still have stress involved, it will be beautiful simply because I deserve success.

By golly, I just deserve it. Plain and simple. No one should ever have to live in a fat suit!

Now for the hardest list: Things I like about myself:

1. I do not cheat and lie (well, except while playing monopoly)
2. I'm a great baker and a pretty good cook.
3. I'm trustworthy and reliable.
4. Good friend
5. body part I like? My legs....the muscles are pretty well defined
6. I'm smart darn it. I've buried it under my fat so as to not stand out, but I've got a brain and a rather high IQ.

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Whew...what a soul searching morning.

Didn't exercise today. But I have laid out my eating plans for the day. And I have my plan and I'm sticking to it come hell or high water. (oh wait, bad analogy....because it is raining again!...go figure!)

I didn't weigh myself today. Quite honestly, I forgot.

Speaking of honest. Yeah, I can pat myself on the back and say, "Way to go MF, you rode your bike to work yesterday. Great exercise." and "Great job MF, you resisted the cupcakes at work yesterday." But in all honesty, yesterday was a colossal failure. Well at least after work. I got home and hit up the comfort foods. Cocoa, homemade bread, fig newtons, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, oh wait, lets not forget the 100 cal pack of fudge stripes (at least it was only 100 cal pack...because if it would have been a complete package of open fudge stripes, yeah, they would have all been gone!) Oh wait, did I say that this was all between 6 and 9PM!