Suit of Armor

 Its just one day.  It's an aberration and not the norm.  Or rather I will MAKE it an aberration! You see, I had a bit of a slip yesterday.  Yes, after I posted my victorious loss on the scales I went a bit haywire.   Can we say self sabotage?  Can we say I was happily protecting my fat suit of armor?

So yes, yesterday I was victorious and posted a nice loss. (2.1 pounds.....) I then proceeded to apparently mock my success by eating a big breakfast of chipped beef gravy over three slices of bread.  Now it was thin sliced bread and grainy and seedy.  So not the worst choice and probably the calories of two slices since it was thin sliced.    But definitely more calories than I usually eat for breakfast.  Lunchtime rolled around and what did I do?   Why I decided to eat chips and salsa.  CHIPS????  I mean, the salsa is not bad....and the heat from the hot salsa probably helped the sinus drainage that I am STILL dealing with. (Will this cough EVER go away?).  OHhh but I was not done yet.  I ran into a store for some other things and something possessed me to buy a brownie to add with my oh so UN-healthy lunch options (well...the chips were unhealthy).  Heck yeah I ate the brownie!  Dinner was more normal.  I made a potato soup and we had turkey and cheese sandwiches with it.  BUT, the brownie had 'wet my whistle' (to quote my dad) and I made chocolate cake with chocolate icing for a sweet treat.  And you KNOW I had a piece of that before I went to bed.   Ohhhh....and I had 16 ounces of water but after that I switched over to drinking diet soda....no more water for me!)  All in all, I ate over 2K in calories.   TOO many!!!

And yes, I did notice that thus far in this post that I was  justifying my poor choices by talking about the healthier version of bread....the thinner slice......the value of hot salsa on my sinuses.   Justifications that are excuses and are not helpful to me at all.  Because my food choices were not at all healthy.  I was well over my calorie goals but even worse, there was nothing remotely healthy about my food intake.  I did not eat to fuel my body yesterday....I just ate for the sake of eating. 

No matter the reasons and my self talk about trying to justify my choices, I self sabotaged myself.   So I guess the question of the day is why?   Why am I subconsciously avoiding success?  Years ago (like in 2009 in this post) I came up with the fact that I wear my fat like a protective suit of armor. Being fat protects me.  It is my excuse.  It is my shield that I hide behind.  In a weird way, it protects me.  Emotionally at least, because the fat suit of armor is hurting my physically.   And if I want to be honest with myself......the fat suit of armor is keeping me from being the best version of me possible.....physically mentally AND emotionally. 

So where does all this leave me?   It leaves me with two schools of thought.  The first is that I can NOT let my one day slip up turn into two or three.  One day is not the end of the world.  One day will not derail me.   One day is just living life.  The trick is to just keep it at one day and not let one day stretch into two days...a week...a month.    The second thing?  I really need to delve into the mental and emotional aspect of why I am self sabotaging my weight loss efforts.  I need to work on healing myself from the inside out! 

How to stop the Self Sabotage in a Weight Loss Journey

 I have been thinking about self sabotage a lot lately.  It is such a real problem for me.  I have some incredible weeks and I am FINALLY moving in the right direction on the scales and it feels as if I am in control and on top of the world.  Everything is going in the right direction and then all of a sudden...BOOM....I find myself in the kitchen eating food with no control.  I even recognize my actions while I'm gorging on the food.  But I say "I don't care."   Why?  Why do I stop caring??

Years ago I made a hefty realization.  I realized that I was totally afraid to lose the weight. I was afraid to shed my fat because I wear the fat as a suit of armor to protect me from the world.  It is my insulation.   The fat is my excuse for everything. "Ohhh, I didn't get that job....must have been discrimination because I was fat".   Makes total sense doesn't it?    Ok to a food addict fat suit of armor wearing girl it does!   Any thing that went wrong....blame it on the fat!  Because you see, it's easier to blame things on the FAT.  It's easier to blame the fat versus say "well maybe I didn't get the job because I bombed the interview" or "maybe I didn't get the job because I am not qualified".  Those are failures and shortcomings of myself and they are harder to admit to!  It's easy to admit to the weight....everyone see it...it's already well known!  So I use it as an excuse!

So to stop the self sabotage in a weight loss journey we need to sit back and we need to think about what is causing us to be fearful.  What are we afraid of?  What is making us be afraid to shed the excess pounds.  Are you afraid of actually discovering who you really are without the fat suit?  Are you afraid that someone won't love you?  Or that someone will love you?  Are you afraid of the unknown?  What is the fear....because sabotage begins in fear!   

Each of us have different fears....but sabotage is rooted in fear.  We have to face those fears.  We have to figure out what we are afraid of and then say,  "What is the worst thing that will happen should I come face to face with my fear"? And once you actually go that far....you have to weigh the risk and benefits and I am 100% positive that the benefits outweigh (pun intended) the risks!  (and let me say...from experience...if you are afraid of losing someone in your life if you lose the weight.....then they are not worthy of being in your life in the first place!!!!)

Self Sabotage.......it's just fear wrapped up in a pretty package/word!   Face the fears and conquer them!!!!