Slapping Fear Silly

Well, my next 5k is tomorrow.  Paws on the Pavement to benefit the humane society in my county.   I'm as ready as I'm going to be.  I probably shouldn't have come home today and cleaned so vigorously.  My legs are aching.  Oops.  Oh well..that's life. And I wanted to try to to have a clean house to start off our 10 days of vacation.   But back to the race tomorrow.   I'm nervous.  Not about running.  No, I will run as much and as hard as I can.  I will walk at a fast clip if I have to.  I'm not worried about that.  I am not nervous about reaching my goal that I set for myself (to run it in under 40 minutes). I know that according to the time on all my training runs that I won't make the goal. I'm still hopeful, but I'm not stressed about it.  I would LOVE to make that goal.  But  I will be happy if I get a better time than my previous 5k's.  But you know what.  I'm going to do it and be happy that I'm out there doing it.

So what makes me nervous and freaked out?   Doing it by myself.   Yes, isn't that totally irrational and stupid?  I admit it, it is asinine!!  I'm excited about my run.   However, the excitement at running this 5k (and if my dreams our met reaching a goal I've been working toward) is tempered with the fear of doing it alone.  (yeah, alone in a crowd ha ha ha).   I know in my mind that this is irrational.  What is going to happen to me because I'm alone???? Nothing.  I know this.  Yet this fear still overtakes me.  Why am I this way?????   I don't like it.

Ready or not...I'm facing this irrational fear tomorrow.  Would I have had more fun if I had a friend or two with me?  Possible....but that wasn't an option for this run and I'm OK with that. I'm still doing it and I'll come out on top at the end.....proud of myself for doing it...for accomplishing my run....for everything.

There is no room in my life for fear and I will banish every stupid fear when the opportunity arises!

Head issues

Todd and I went out early and played tennis this morning.  I had fun.   I only won 1 of 4 sets.  GRRRR  Just when I was hitting my stride our time ran out.  BOOOOOO   Zumba tonight!  Yippee!

So this morning when I was getting ready to leave I was putting on a ball cap.  I've been wearing ball caps to keep my unruly hair in place while I'm exercising (it's a tad too short to keep under control on it's own).  I looked down and saw a zumba head band.  I thought...why not!  I can be cool and wear a headband!  I put the headband on.   Halfway through the tennis time I figured out that there must be something wrong with my head...and also remembered why I don't wear them all that often.  The don't stay in place on my head.  Me and my poor misshapen head!  

And just a few thoughts today....no words from me are necessary to introduce or explain!

All rolled into one

I have a lot to say (ha ha ha, nothing new there, I could talk to a fence post!)  And I thought about writing separate blog entries.  I could stretch out what I have to say in maybe 3 or 4 entries.  I could have blog posts for the rest of the week done.  But I don’t like to do that.  I like to say what’s on my mind when it’s on my mind.  My posts are not written out days in advance and pondered.  They are me…raw and open and well….RAW.    My view is it’s on my mind for a reason…so say it when I feel it. Anyway,  I’ll separate these random ideas into different mini posts all within this big post…so here goes!

 

                   Fat Aunt versus Healthier  

              (Soon to be thin) Aunt

 

I’ve always been the crazier aunt.  I have fun with my niece and nephews (and my cousins too….which are roughly the same ages as my niece and nephews).  I’m not afraid to get down on the floor and play the part of the retarded idiotic Aunt.  Actually, I relish the roll of crazy aunt…we have fun (we being me and the kids….we may be slightly annoying when we get keyed up though!).  That role aside, I’m ashamed to admit that over the last 13 years that I’ve been an aunt I’ve been mostly the Fat Aunt.  I was  the Fat Aunt that has loved to play with the kids….but I was the Fat Aunt that when the play became a bit active, I would sit on the sidelines and watch and encourage their crazy shenanigans.  Hey, I was fat…that’s what fat people do right?   The two roles worked ok together.  Crazy Aunt and Fat Aunt co-existed peacefully.  Or rather, I pushed myself to do just enough activity to make them coexist peacefully……I felt like I was going to die some of those times because I was so out of shape, but for the most part those two roles existed happily together. 

 

On Sunday Fat Aunt didn’t stand a chance.  My brother and his wife took the kids to the park.  Of course I went with them….I love to be with them and there was no question in my mind.  I didn’t think about it at the time, but there was never a thought about sitting on the sidelines.   I laid the Fat Aunt role to rest.  I pulled out the Healthy Aunt role.  I played with the kids…..I played soccer (a bastardized version) for what may have been the first time in my entire life. (remember, I recently wrote about my excuse of this foot issue I have that kept me from participating in PE in school…or rather I used as an excuse to get out of it.) Healthy Aunt came out to play….and you know what?   It felt GOOD.   Bring it on!!!

              Running Shmunning

I’ve been writing quite a bit lately about how running has become rough for me.  I’ve struggled to simply run my miles.  My HR is crazy.  I’m not picking up speed.   My legs are heavy.  You name it…its happening.   I have been disgusted because I set a goal in my mind for my upcoming 5k (which incidentally is on Saturday of this week).  I think that doing that is what has been my downfall. I’ve focused so much on the number that when I show signs of failing, that my mental fortitude slips away and I want to quit (my mind thinks it and my body responds).   When I set myself back up in January to lose weight, I was very careful about not setting down and dirty goals.  There was no “I will lose such and such amount of weight by such and such date.”  I knew that when that ‘magical date’ starts to loom the feelings of failure and inadequacy emerge and they are self destructive.   I knew it and I guarded against it.  Yet I foolishly set a very specific goal for running and as the date gets closer and I show negative signs of meeting that goal. (I’m consistently running the mileage 2-3 minutes slower than I need to be doing in order to even come close to the goal).    It’s been self destructive…and my running has suffered because of my mental state concerning it.

 

Why is my speed not increasing?   I’ve heard it all.  It could be any one of those things.  It could be a combination of all of them.  One friend thinks my current weight of 221.7 (as of Sunday’s weigh day weigh in) is holding me back and that my speed will increase in direct correlation to my weight dropping.   My brother thinks that I haven’t crossed that ‘barrier’ yet.  What barrier?   That feeling that happens when I hit the wall and my body tells me that if I push further I will die…..so I stop. However, I won’t die and I shouldn’t stop. I’ve been told I’m possibly running too much (three times a week is where I’m at…sometimes four…but consistently three).   I’m pushing myself too much on my runs.  I’m not running enough…I’m doing this and that.  Who knows…and I wish I had the magical answer.  But I just have to accept the fact that I’m out there running and that I’m doing my best and be happy with it.   I’ve decided to run on Saturday and simply do my best.  Do I want to break that mark that I set for myself?  Yes. Will I be happy if I finish it?   Yes.  Ok, maybe I should say that at the bare minimum I want to finish it with my best time…..which is anything under 43:04.  I know that the adrenaline and whatnot will probably push me a bit faster.  I will hope for the under 40 but I just want to better my time.

 

So what did I do today with my running?  Today I decided that I had to get myself out of this ‘I have to walk because I can’t go on mentality’.  I’ve run the 3.5 miles before. It’s not a big deal…..or rather it shouldn’t be!  I decided to run on the C&O Canal to make it as easy as possible for myself.  (It’s easy because it’s flat….or relatively flat).  I decided that I would NOT stop for anything.  I ride my bike that way.  I make it a goal to not touch my feet to the ground when I bike unless it is absolutely necessary (something like stopping at a road and waiting for a break in the cars before crossing is somewhat necessary).  I don’t put my feet onto the pavement on hills.  I don’t put my feet on the pavement when I’m tired.  I keep pushing and those feet stay on the pedals (ha ha ha, even when they aren’t clipped in).  I decided that today I would take the same mentality.  I was NOT going to stop running.   Nothing short of a bear standing on the canal (yeah, it has happened…not so much in our neck of the woods…but it’s happened on the western section of the canal) would make me grind to a walk or worse stop.  Hey, maybe if I saw a bear I would set a new record as I tried to run away from it!!!!  Food for thought…maybe I could get someone to dress as a bear and chase after me????  Anyway,  I wanted to prove to myself again  that I could run the whole 3.5 miles without my body screaming that it was dying. 

 

I of course did it.  3.5 in 43 minutes.  And it wasn’t that bad.  It was actually relatively easy.  My mind was in the right place.

              Personal trainer

 

A month ago I met with the personal trainer that was going to take me on.  It was to be a mutually beneficial deal.  He would get experience and he would also receive before and after pictures to use in his portfolio to help him elicit more clients in exchange I would receive free personal training.  I was excited and quite optimistic about the experience.  The first few days he was in touch a few times.  We were supposed to start working out…but he never set a time and told me he would get back to me.  Time passed and I wondered…but I refuse to chase after him.  I want a personal trainer (even though it’s a free deal) that is gung ho and WANTS to do it versus someone that I’ve chased and kind of forced into doing it.    About a week or two ago he finally contacted me again and said “sorry I’ve been out of touch….I’ve had to move unexpectedly but we will start soon as soon as the move is over and I’m settled into my new place.”  That’s all fine and good.  And if he does contact me I will still take him up on the offer. Free personal training is a no brainer.  However, I’m not holding my breath anymore thinking that he’s going to contact me to do this.  If he does, good…..I will take whatever he has to offer in terms of exercise and advice. But you know what??????  I’ve lost 6.9 pounds since we had that first meeting…and I’ve done it on my own.   Nothing will stand in my way!!!!  With help…..without help….it makes no difference.  I’m losing.  If he wants to tack onto my determination and reap the benefits, than that’s good he can.  But I’m focused and I know where I’m going with or without him. 

 

 

       VACATION VACATION HERE I COME!

 

When I leave my job on Friday at 2PM, I will officially be on vacation and have 10 full glorious days of relative freedom!   I’m so looking forward to the break. We have concert tickets and a trip to Lancaster.  We have a trip to DC.  I have a 5k planned, Todd has a Kidney walk, we have a parade one day (Todd runs sound for the town) and possibly a parade in the neighboring town a different day.  We have lots of stuff planned but lots of down time also.  It should be fun!   But part of me is a bit fearful.  I’ve been doing soooo well with my weight loss efforts.  I’ve been so consistent with my exercise. I’ve been just……doing well.  I have a two prong plan that I’m working on to keep me in the losing column.  

 

Part A:    Since money is tight, we are planning to eat a good many meals at home.  There will be 2 days where we will be eating out. Tuesday we will be in Lancaster County Pennsylvania…we have concert tickets in the evening….but will go up and spend the day. Friday the plan is to go into DC with my family for the day. So we will be eating out that day as well.  The rest of the time we are going to try to focus a bit more on eating at home.  SOOOOOOO, this week I’m sitting down and planning out meals for us to have next week (we are also trying to eat our freezers and pantry down…..way too much food stockpiled).  Today I plan on actually figuring up the calories for each meal.  I will place the calorie count on the list of meals so that when we plan what we are making at home that I don’t end up eating high caloric options each meal of the day.     This plan is not fool proof.  This plan is not in any way at all something set in stone. The sky is the limit for failure.  HOWEVER, I do hope that having the calories set and highly visible that I will make wise choices and be able to manage.

 

Part B:   Exercise the hell out of the week!   I plan on continuing my 3-4 times a week runs. I plan on attending zumba if at all possible (I know Tuesday night I won’t be at zumba as I’ll be in Lancaster)….but that still leaves Monday and Wednesday nights.  I plan on riding my Trek on the canal with Todd.  I plan on really getting out on the road on my lite speed and conquering this road biking thing.  (I’ve kind of pushed it aside this week as I’m still hoping to somehow magically meet my goal for my 5k on Saturday and right now road biking is painful so I’m focusing on running this week…and yes, I talked to my brother and he says that it’s normal, specifically because it takes upper body strength and lots of core strength…both of which are painfully absent in my body).  We have work to do around the house.  ACTIVE ACTIVE ACTIVE.   SOOOO I may inadvertently through circumstances eat some extra calories. ……if I can at least burn a bunch of calories through activity then I may still lose…..or at least hold on to a maintain!   Crossing my fingers!  

Grocery store nightmare

I lost this week!   I passed the 30 pounds gone for this year mark!!!!  (shopping for my new charm will commence shortly!)   1.5 for last week.  I'll TAKE IT!

I committed the gravest of grave errors the last time I went grocery shopping.  I hit the store many hours after I had eaten.  Not only was there a long stretch of no food, but an hour or so of that time had me involved in running my daily mileage.  So I was HUNGRY!   We all know what that means!

I walked into the grocery store and the first thing I noticed was the table of cupcakes.  MMMMM  they looked so good.  My mouth watered, just thinking about the yummy icing and the taste of  a delectable morsel of cake in my mouth.  My mmmm, turned into a moan as I kept moving.  I didn't even break stride.  I was focused.....I was heading to the produce department.  The next table I passed held the containers of sugar cookies.  You know the type.  The pale sugar cookies with the thick icing on top.   Many times they even have sprinkles.  Have I mentioned lately that I love sprinkles?   I never really bought much stuff like that.  I would rather make my own cookies.  But I have had these goods.....people bring them to work for potlucks and customers delight in feeding us.   I looked at the cookies and a feeling of sadness settled upon me.  I wanted the cookies. I don't want to have to guard against the cookies and the cakes for the rest of my life and I admit that the sense of sadness bore down upon me the whole way through the grocery store.

Did I buy any of those delectably tempting snacks?   NO, not a one!   I headed straight for the produce department and I purchased lots of fresh foods.  I bought dairy products.   I bought healthy foods.   I may have been sad, but I did not waver in my mission!

I don't mind sharing what I purchased in the produce section.  I bought strawberries, (soon we will be picking strawberries..yippee), avocados, kiwi, carrots, sprouts and cherries.  I saw the cherries and I WANTED them.  I didn't think anything of it....UNTIL I hit the check out line. Do you see that in the picture???  I paid thirteen dollars and fifty four cents for that package of cherries.  Holy cow, they should be gold plated for that price.  My mouth dropped when I saw the price on the cash register.  Eii Yii yii!    I can guarantee you that there will be none of those cherries that end up in the compost pile because they got overripe before I could eat them! 

There are people out there that say that eating healthy is cheaper than eating junk.  I beg to differ.  Seriously?   $13.54 for maybe 6-8 portions  I could have bought a bag of chips for three bucks and had it last me the same amount of time. 

No matter.  The cost is worth it in my book.  I am worth it!   (Hopefully I won't be craving an out of season expensive fruit next week though!)

The urge to quit

The last week or two has been extremely difficult in terms of my exercise.  I have gone out to complete my runs. I've really attempted them.  However, they are just less than stellar. I'm frustrated at my progress.  I'm not happy with it.  I read one blog where the person said "I just worked to run faster each time I went out"   That's easier said than done.  I am running at 80-85% of my HR ....I can't push it harder or my pea pickin' heart will spontaneously com bust. (ha).   I have/had a goal set for my next 5K....a time goal.  This race is  looming very close and I am consistently running my 5k 2-3 minutes slower than I need to be.  I'm only hoping that the adrenaline and whatnot pushes me to a PR. 

Saturday for the first time in a while I actually felt like quitting.  (in fairness, these thoughts came after a treadmill run..and I hate treadmill runs)   It felt hopeless.  I am disgusted at the slow progress and honestly the fact that the last week I've struggled to actually RUN my miles and I have to constantly fight the temptation to stop.  I sound like Jillian Michael's in my head....I run and drop to a walk.  Immediately, I hear her voice in my head yelling at me to RUN....and I run. (she scares me!)   The urge to quit is heavy in my mind.  VERY heavy in my mind.    I don't want to quit.  I vowed to commit through the beginning of August.......but it would be SOO easy to quit.  I'm not going to.  I'm going to see this through.  I'm just praying for some visible and concrete progress.  

I got my bike.   The adjustment from my Trek Nav to my new bike has been not so much difficult but painful. (I only ride my trek on the canal...FLAT and no elevation....so transitioning to hills isn't helping the adjustment)   It's  big adjustment.  I was talking to someone the other day ...a bank customer that saw me out on my new bike and when I mentioned the transition, he said "some people never adjust".  First I wanted to slap him silly for his negativity.  But then I started to think deep about it.....most people don't really commit TO adjusting.  It gets tough and they give up.  I'm determined to adjust  the pain will disspate!

I'm not a quitter anymore!  I will (as long as legs hold out...or more specifically the arthritic knees hold out) continue through at least the August mark.   Quiting may have been a fleeting thought (ok, it's a recurring theme in my mind), but it's NOT AN OPTION!

The sound alone

Yesterday I got home and my husband had left me a ‘good will gesture’ in the refrigerator.  He left me two of the 1 liter bottles of diet Pepsi.  I’m touched that he thought outside the box and got me something.  However, I haven’t had diet soda in ages.  I haven’t craved it either.  I sent him a thank you text and pushed the drinks to the bottom and back of the refrigerator.  I went into the living room and got settled in to watch the hockey game (Washington Capitals versus the New YorkRangers….game 5 of the playoff series).  I was fine with my water.  I don’t crave the diet soda.  I can see it and be surrounded and it doesn’t phase me.  I’ve been only drinking water for ages and I’ve been utterly fine with that.  However, KNOWING that there was ice cold diet pepsi waiting for me in the kitchen was more than I could handle.   It didn’t take me long to cave in to the pressure though. Yes, before long I was sucking down a diet soda.  In fairness, I didn’t even complete a whole bottle and left the second one safely in the refrigerator.  I thought all was done with it when I went to bed and subsequently woke up this morning.  I prepared my protein shake (my normal breakfast when I work in the morning is a smoothie or a protein shake that I sip on at work while I’m waking up) and filled my water jug for the day ahead.  There was no thought of diet soda.  I was done with it one diet soda…the first in a month or two was not a bad thing and would have no ill effect, right???

 

So I’m fine.  Not even thinking about diet soda or even regular soda.  But then my coworker twists the cap on his drink.  Shhhhhhhhh  Yes, if you drink soda you know the sound.  That sound of a new drink being popped open echoed through the office.  My mouth started to water and I could TASTE the effervescent drink in my mouth.  I could feel it tingling and burning as it went down my throat.  I actually reached for the bottle of diet soda sitting beside me……only there was no diet soda sitting beside me.  MY hand connected with the handle of my water jug.  I fell back to earth and realized how quickly the fat little mini me (that bad influence that helps bring old habits to the front and whispers in my ear to eat bad things and to skip exercise)  that resides inside me can pop back to the surface.

 

I’m ok.  I’m pounding the water and I’m not going to cave and drink that diet soda that is left in my refrigerator…..at least not anytime soon. 

 

On a similar note, my husband (who really is pouring it on thick….trying to make amends by his ‘giving’ not by correcting the issue though) is going to take me to lunch todaysince there is a brief lull between the end of my work day and the beginning of his work day.  He was leaning toward Mexican.   I started to put my food into my tracker.  My weight is down by only a half pound this week (and in fact it was up by 2 pounds the other day…but was back down this morning).  That doesn’t give me a lot of wiggle room in order to still show a loss tomorrow morning.  It also give me NO wiggle room if I want to hit the 30 pounds gone in 2013 on my official weigh day (tomorrow).  I really like Mexican food though…REALLY like Mexican food.  I swallowed down the thoughts of how good Mexican food tastes and texted my husband.  My text read… “Instead of Mexican can we do something else…..the calories are a bit high at Casa G’s and I have a big weigh in tomorrow.” (in fairness, since I don’t eat meat I end up eating a LOT of cheesy dishes at Mexican restaurants)  He texted back ‘sure’, so I’m not sure where we are going.  But I will rock wherever we eat! 

Heartbreak

I vowed a long time ago to be open and honest on this blog.  A few months back I recommitted and said "I'm no longer hiding aspects of my life'.  So yes, I'm heartbroken today.

Yesterday the bubble that I had created around myself...that happy bubble was pierced.  It was pierced in a sharp and painful way.  It knocked me back a few feet and I'm not sure that my heart can heal from it this time.  I'm not sure what I'm doing or even what end is up right now.

I got home last night and the last thing I wanted to do was eat.  The thought of food turned my stomach.  I had my food planned out though, so eat I did. I knew that I needed to fuel my body even if my mind said not eat.   It was a light dinner so it wasn't a big concern.    I choked down my planned dinner and then curled up in bed with a book.  What better way to forget the world than with a good read.  

This morning arrived and I laid in bed.  I had a run scheduled.  I didn't want to move.  I wanted to stay in my bed and just vegetate.  Fridays are technically my day of rest so it wouldn't have been difficult for me to skip the run.  However, I took off Monday this week so really I've already utilized my rest day.  Finally at about 8AM I decided.  I knew that if I didn't run, that I would kick myself because I've been doing so good and..... well.....exercise has been my happy place lately.

I rolled out of bed, threw on my clothes and headed out.  The first mile was ok....I was so focused on my own internal thoughts that I forgot about what I was doing.  I ran up the hill that I normally walk up and I was just powering through.  (with a decent pace...for me).   But the second mile hit me hard.  I just lost my steam.  I dropped down to a walk for a few paces, to let my HR settle and tried to run again.  It just wasn't happening.    I thought about taking a shortcut back to my car, but I didn't.  I walked the rest of my mileage.   So there was a victory...I WENT out and exercised.   There was a failure....I gave up and walked.   But that led to a victory...I still completed my mileage, just at a walk.

So why did I run out of steam?   Well couple reasons.  One, my mind is totally preoccupied and lost in everything else...so my mental game wasn't there.  Two, it's hard to run and cry at the same time (well, it is if you typically run at your max HR).  and Three (and I suspect three is the biggest reason).  Remember I didn't want to eat last night?   Yeah, I didn't want to eat this morning either....so I went out on a totally empty stomach.  Literally I ran out of steam......

Hot Dog!

I was so happy with my weight the last few days (because it was looking like I was going to hit my 30 pounds gone this year mark...because I was there, just waiting for the official weigh day) and then this morning I stepped on the scales and voila, I was right back up 2 pounds.  What the haymarket?????  Seriously?  I am trying to shrug it off.  I KNOW I woke up once or twice in the middle of the night thirsty and was too darn comfy to get up and get a drink.  Waking up thirsty is not a good sign, so hopefully it really is just water retention.  (and yes, when I wake up thirsty my weight is usually up...but not two stinkin' pounds!)  Oh  well....shrugging it off.  I'm healthier than I have been in a while.  I'm happier and more active than I have been in a while.  (Yes, for some reason drowning my sorrows in exercise really is working....the issues are there and  they still depress the living snot out of me...but I just ignore them and go for a run...or go for a ride...or go to zumba.  No worries then...all I can think of then is pushing myself just a little harder).   I saw a negative on the scale today and I'm in no danger of quitting, but there were times in the past that I would have quit just because it hurts and doesn't make sense.  No more....I'm still truckin' onward!

I got up and made breakfast for us. I made breakfast pizza which is supper yummy.  It is a bit high in calories (300 calories  slice)  but I wasn't worried.  You see, I had looked at the weather and decided that I could get in a ride this morning before the weather went south again.

I laced up my biking shoes (oops ratcheted them up as they dont' have laces) carted my bike out the door and headed down the road.  My butt hit the saddle and I wanted to scream.  OUCH!  Apparently the nether regions had not yet had time to recover fully from my last ride.  I briefly thought about cutting my ride from 10 miles down to 5.  But that is SOOOOO cheating and I knew it would ultimately lead me to feeling as if I failed...and honestly, it would have been a failure.  I did 10 on my last ride, I can do 10 today!  I pushed on!  I did the same loop that I did my last ride.   After my last ride my brother asked me how may hills I had to walk.  I honestly answered with an indignanat "none!" (who does he think I am???  Ok, maybe he didn't get the memo that there is a new MaryFran in town!)   I do have to admit though that I stopped three times for a breather/drink.  Yes, I clipped out and feet were on the ground for a breather for no reason other than I wanted to stop. (there was probably two more times that I clipped out that ride due to traffic/stop signs).    I am proud to announce though that today the only time I clipped out of my pedals was when I was crossing a major road.  (the traffic was with me through the other stop signs and turns)   I thought it would be advantagous to clip out and wait until a lull in the traffic...silly me!.  Otherwise, I stopped for nothing.  I may have gone slow up the hills.  I may have crept (the refrain a turtle sludging through peanut butter comes to the forefront of my mind again.....) through some stretches.  But I did it.   The ride was still brutal.  My hands went a bit numb and my arms are just sore.  I'm just plain and simple am used to riding my Trek Nav and well this is different.  I'm trying to loosen up my arms because that helps them, but then my back tenses up.  I know it's just a thing of getting used to a road bike so I'm not too concerned.  Besides, I WILL conquer it!  :-) Anyway, I got home, took the obligatory picture for my blog and called the ride complete. I carted the bike inside.

   I had grand plans to head back out for a run....because well, maybe I'm a glutton for punishment....or maybe I'm just plain and simple nuts.  But after the planned 10 minute break my legs felt heavy and I felt as if there was no way I could even build up to a trot much less a run.    If I waited a bit longer I could probably do it, but I do have a job (drat) and that means I must have time to shower and eat lunch before arriving ready to work at noon.   I walk with Sherry tonight when I get off of work.  Maybe I can try to sneak in a quick jog after we walk.....or if it's stormy and we cancel I'll go to the gym and run on the treadmill (gah, I hate running on the treadmill).    Even if I don't get in my run tonight, i'm not worried.  My bike ride is sufficient exercise for the day...anything else is just for my own mental benefit.    My HR monitor shows that I earned 666 calories.  That's not too shabby if I do say so myself!  :-)  (and yes, for those of you who are curious...I ate TWO pieces of breakfast pizza this morning!!!!!  So I simply burned off my breakfast!)

Where does my title Hot Dog come into play?   Really it doesn't.  I just didn't know what to title this blog post...I was toying with "jingle bells' as a title!  Although there was a little yappy dog that chased me down Sharpsburg Pike on my bike today and it certainly thought it was a 'hot dog'. 

Brain dead

Maybe I'm brain dead, maybe I just don't have anything to say. Not sure which. I'm on track though. I have my food planned. I have Zumba on the horizon tonight and who knows what this afternoon (depends on the weather). I'm feeling good about where I'm at. Yes, I'd like to drop the pounds faster and be at my goal weight but I'm ok with where I'm at. Moving forward each and every day!

Feel free to say hi and like me on my fb page. https://www.facebook.com/BelievinginMaryFran?ref=stream

On the down low no more

The other day I was asked why I’ve kept this blog a secret for so long. Yes, I’m working on year 7 and most of my friends and virtually none of my family know (or rather knew) of its existence. Ok, I may have mentioned it in passing but never more than a brief comment that never allowed for more in depth questioning. It was a secret. Yes, I garnered quite a few readers that have come and gone over the years while I’ve been writing on here. So lots of people read this blog but just not people that are close to me….and at this point it’s not an issue anymore; I don’t need it to be a private affair. It has just been this way for so long that I am not used to announcing to the world about my weight loss blog. That’s why I was ok and started the facebook page, because I’m ready to allow the world to see me raw and open and brutally honest with myself. So when I was asked why I kept it hush hush for so long, I kind of stammered and didn’t know what to say. I believe I answered something like “I didn’t think you would be interested in the rise and fall of my weight”. But I have to be honest. That’s really not why I kept it so hush hush. I kept it quiet out of total embarrassment. It is embarrassing to admit that you allowed your weight to skyrocket to 315 pounds. It is embarrassing to admit that you have to take a breather because you are so out of breath when you reach the top of a flight of stairs that you feel as if your heart is going to explode. It’s embarrassing to admit that your morbid obesity caused you to ruin your knees by the time you were age 28. Yes, anyone that looked at me could see that I had fallen into the sedentary life of an obese person, but actually writing it all down is embarrassing raw and brutal. It’s embarrassing, plain and simple embarrassing. HOWEVER, out of that initial embarrassment has grown a sense of pride. Ohh I’m still ashamed that I let it get that bad. I’m still ashamed that I didn’t stop the spiral into obesity years ago. But there is a HUGE sense of pride right now. I am 93.1 pounds down from my highest weight. That is a huge accomplishment. I know that my words have helped other people get past a difficult time; just like reading other blogs have helped me get over humps in this journey. What started out as a cathartic way to keep track of my emotions and thoughts on this journey has become so much more. It still operates as my accountability on a daily basis. It is still my cathartic outlet. But even more importantly, it is my badge of pride. I don’t care who sees it….It’s my journey and I’m proud of what I have done. (that said, I think if my mom were reading all these entries she would just cry…so maybe not mom! Ha ha ha…but If she ever finds it and reads through it…..I LOVE YOU MOM!)

I do not believe I shared my weight loss report from my ‘official weigh in’ on Sunday. (Maybe I did and I’m just having a brain dead moment…that is highly possible). I lost 1.3 pounds for a total lose of 93.1 and 29.5 since January. Yes, I am VERY close to getting my next charm for my bracelet! I’m sooooooo close in fact that when I weighed myself on Monday (and today also) I weighed in at 222.8 which is my 30 pound mark…which means that if I can hold that loss this week, that I will be buying my new charm. I do believe I’m going to commemorate these 10 pounds with a bike charm…..since I did buy my new bike! (thanks Sherry for the idea!) J I just have to wait until Sunday when I see my good weight on my OFFICIAL weigh in day.

Monday was a total bust for me. I had such grand plans too. I had planned to get up and ride a bit in the morning. Then I would work and then I would go to my social hour (AKA zumba). I got up early and made breakfast for Todd and I and I sent him on his merry way at 7. By the time I had cleaned up from breakfast I almost couldn’t function. I was exhausted and my body just ached and felt heavy. I KNEW riding my bike was out. I curled up in bed and luckily had the presence of mine to set my alarm, because I had to be at work at 10. Lucy, Ethel and Desi (the three oldest cats) were in their glory as they nestled up against me. The next thing I knew the alarm was going off. I had slept 2 hours. I was still determined to carry on, so I carted my gym bag to work with me. However, work was a struggle. I just couldn’t function. My mind was fuzzy and it was a chore to get through the day. Through most of the day I still entertained a delusional thought that I could actually make it to zumba. By the time I got off work, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I stumbled home and curled up on the couch for the evening.

Tuesday morning dawned and I awoke feeling somewhat better. I laid in bed and honestly tried to talk myself out of running. But then I realized (with the help of the two motivational pieces below that I saw on FB just this morning) that I would be kicking myself if I did not do it. It was a total excuse; how I felt yesterday has no bearing on what I do today….it was an excuse and I don’t believe in excuses anymore. So I got up. I didn’t push myself. It was an easy run. Nothing spectacular but actually for supposing to be easy, it was totally average in length and actually spot on my normal time. I feel good. Slightly tired…but ok. Now just to get these 8 hours of work over so I can hit up zumba and YAY….Sherry AND Terri are both supposed to be there! I’ve so missed my zumba peeps the last few weeks!

No exercise for me!

Ahhhh what a crazy busy fun weekend!   It started on Friday afternoon when I got off work at 2.  Todd and I planned to go play tennis.  However, the plans fell through due to unforeseen circumstances.  I wasn't too upset as it was really supposed to be my day of rest.  :-)   We instead enjoyed a nice drive a good dinner out and we got our grocery shopping done.

Saturday dawned and I headed out for my morning run.  My first mile was rough, my breathing was all out of whack.  I figured it out though.  One glance at my heart rate monitor cleared it straight up!  I was pushing the total absolute max heart rate.  My time for my first mile was my best ever.  However, I had to drop down to intervals after that first mile because my heart rate was just totally jumping really high.  Intervals are good though.  :-)

I got home from running and did a few things around the house and started making lunch.  While I was making lunch Todd asked me what I bought because FedEx was making a delivery.  I couldn't think of anything....until I remembered that I won a box of goodies on My journey to fit's blog   I was so super excited that I just ripped that box open.  Nice handwritten letter on top but more to come as I dug into the box!

Super excited about my goodies I finished lunch.  We had picked up some fresh foods; zucchini and corn on the cob and watermelon.  It is not yet in season here so I was skeptical about the taste but it was scrumptious and healthy!  :-)    After cleaning up from lunch I put my new bike on top of my car and headed to town.  I visited with my family a bit and then my brother and I got down to business.  He checked out my new bike and we headed to the bike shop to purchase me shoes.  If I'm doing it, I may as well do it right even though that concept of being actually clipped in an 'part' of the bike petrified me.  So I bought the bike shoes and we got the correct cleats/clips whatever you call them to correspond with my pedals.  We went back to his house and he fixed my bike up and then we went outside.  I'm not going to lie.  I was absolutely terrified at the thought of clicking into the pedals and heading down the road chained to my bike (ok, maybe chained is being a bit melodramatic.....anklecuffed to the bike????....ok ok ok, attached to the bike).  I  KNEW that my fear was irrational, lots of bikers do it so I pushed through my fear and did it anyway.   It wasn't too bad.  We rode up and down a road a few times, stopping and letting me practice with the shoe pedal combination.  He also gave me some pointers on the basics of the bike.  I will admit, I almost knocked us both down at one stop sign.  You see, I got my one foot off the pedal and wasn't thinking so I flung my other foot to the side and well, I was still attached to the bike.  My brother was quick and grabbed my arm and HE was smart enough disengage from his bike pedals.  I still was clipped in and well...almost took us both down one more time before I actually disengaged and had both feet firmly on the ground.  I would definitely have gone down had he not caught me.  Oops.  :-)  (and yes, I'm afraid of falling....but you know what.......that's another fear that I just have to deal will.  This is not about being comfortable.  This is about me making me the best version of MF that is possible!

After we got my bike squared away my brother and I walked to the fair grounds with his kids and watched a bit of the BMX races.  Afterwards we all went to dinner.  I got home about 8 happy and tired. 

Saturday morning I woke up early but relaxed.  I had decided to forgo the 6AM run and do it later.  I wanted to check out my new road bike and I wanted my legs as fresh as possible.  SOOOO I simply walked with Sherry at our normal walking hour.  It was a great walk...and great talk!  I went home and once again did a few things at the house (precious few) and prepared an early lunch. (turkey burgers on the grill...YUM!).  Todd left and I sat down to relax a bit and let my food settle before I bit the bullet and headed out on my bike.   Whadya know?  I fell asleep.  So I didn't get out until around 2. 

Soo my first road bike road ride was today. (not counting the check it out and teaching ride yesterday).  Wow...my nether regions are sore and achy.  I did have the foresight to wear a pair of padded bike shorts but still...yikes!   It wasn't an easy ride.  Can I say BRU-TAL???   Yes, it was rough.  TERRIBLY rough.  But I pushed through and knocked out 10 miles!   My body was sore and achy.  I'm not being in that position so my arms were sore, my back was sore and well....it was just rough! My legs are not used to hilly terrain so they were burrrrning!   I passed by the studio where Todd was working and I had a momentary thought of stopping and asking him to take me home (or just taking his car and picking him up later...ha ha ha) but that is cheating.  I didn't even take the short way home...I kept on.  It wasn't pretty and I was so thankful to get off that bike but  I've had my base ride......it only gets better from here!  (and I'm sure I'll soon feel my nether regions again!)   My brother asked me later if I had to walk any hills.  I honestly said that I did NOT walk any hill.  I pushed through them all...I was slow as molasses (wow, isn't this slow thing becoming a common theme) but I pushed up any hill I encountered.  And best of all?????   I didn't fall off my bike by forgetting that I was clipped in!  I didn't die.......see my fears were irrational!

I had barely arrived in my driveway (I was actually talking to a neighbor who was checking out my bike...he's also a biker and was double checking my brothers work in helping me find my bike and getting it set up for my size and all that stuff....he whole heartedly approved) when my brother called me.  They were going to be in my general neck of the wood and wanted to know if I would like to join them on the canal with my bike for a ride.  Now mind you I was never so happy to see my drive way just minutes earlier but of course I said yes!    I carted my litespeed into the house and came out mere minutes later with my trek.  I popped that sucker on the car and off I went.  8.32 miles on the canal, a little shopping in Shepherdstown and a quick stop at the studio and I was finally home at 7. 

I seriously thought about going out for a run.  I WANTED to.  SOOO Bad.  But I realized that three house of activity was probably where I needed to end it.  I instead headed to the kitchen.  I baked some zucchini chips, cooked off some carrots for my upcoming work lunches and made todd some pistachio biscotti.  I crazily enough wasn't hungry.  I did snack on fruit throughout the day.  I was a bit worried about it and wondered if I was just pulling a "I'm not hungry for what I have planned to eat' mood.  So I switched it up and thought about would I want to eat if it were going to be an ice cream sandwich or a piece of cake.  My answer was no.  I wouldn't want it even if it were that.  SOOOO I knew I wasn't hungry and I didn't force myself to eat just because that what was planned. 

So it's now 10PM.  My weekend is just about over.  BOOOOOOOO   IT was fun.  It was neat.  And crazily enough, I don't FEEL as if I exercised at all.  I just had fun! (well....my nether regions are telling me that I exercised on a small road bike seat!)  Yup, there was no exercise for me.....it was just all plain and simple fun!!!

And one last shot of the river that I took during the ride on the canal!

Bring on the fun!

Ahhh welcome to the weekend!    I'm not going to say much.  I am just excited about the weekend.  You see, for years the weekend was something that came along and I was so excited to watch a movie, relax on the couch and all sorts of things all sedentary in nature.  Somehow my thinking has adjusted and changed in the last few months.   NOW I'm excited about the weekend arriving because I have a run (or two) planned.  I have a walking date with Sherry.  I'm going to get my new bike checked out by my brother and hopefully get out on the road with it.  I also hope to get out the canal on my trek (riding the Trek is not contingent upon getting myself outfitted to ride the Lightspeed).   I've got so much activity that I want to do.  For some reason, it's not exercise when I think about it....it's just FUN stuff.  When did this change in my mind???     Zumba is the same, I know it's activity and exercise but for me it's just a fun part of my life.  I'm finding my groove and learning to love some activities.  I thought that was an impossibility for me!

That said, I don't want to get to comfortable because these feelings and this attitude is so new that it could change and the old MaryFran could emerge at the drop of a hat.   So I'm guarding against any possible reemergence of that old MaryFran.

My eating was in line today.  It was  my scheduled rest day.  My body didn't feel utterly tired and in need of the rest day this week.  I can tell I didn't push myself as hard this week.  That's OK, there is an ebb and flow in life.  Meanwhile, just because my body didn't feel like it needed the break, that doesn't mean that I ignored the rest day.  Nope, I still took it easy.  My body is raring to go now......bring on the FUN!!!  Bike rides, walks, runs and whatever else I can think of to do!!!!

So farewell until Monday....I have some fun to attend to!

My body thanks me!

I would like to thank the people that have commented on my blog of late concerned about my well being.  I would like to say that I have been doing this for quite some time.  I started and continue under the direction of my doctor. They both know exactly what I have done and am doing to lose weight.  I also started under the umbrella of Weight Watchers.  While I no longer calculate and track according to weight watchers points, their guidelines are still deeply embedded in my mind.  I have compared the calories to points and even though I have ‘forsaken’ Weight Watchers, my eating runs right in line with what I would have eaten should I be counting weight watchers points.  Which is a proven system and greatly approved by doctors…in fact many doctors recommend using weight watchers because it is a healthy approach…nothing fanatical like fasting once or twice a week just to lose weight (I actually worked with a gal once that took the fasting to the extreme…she fasted the whole work week and only ate on weekends…NUTS…personally for anything other than religious reasons, fasting is an unhealthy practice even if only for a day) or eating only cumquats for every meal.  (What the heck is a cumquat!) or something crazy such as only eating foods that begin with the letter S. (don’t lie, you are thinking about what foods you could eat that start with S!)  Anyway, I digress….. I have been doing what should be done!

My blog is more of a touchy feely blog…emotions about weight loss, celebrations and struggles.  I like it that way……but not today. I’m going to go scientific and a bit mathematicl on you……

 That said, I have heard the concerns and I wanted to verify and double check my numbers and figures.   I even included websites for my research for the most basic of information….just because that’s how I roll (damn overachiever that I am).   LOL

 The first thing I looked at was how many calories I need to eat a day to maintain my weight.  I found this table first…

Gender	Age (years)	Sedentaryb	Moderately Activec	Actived
Child	2-3	1,000	1,000-1,400	1,000-1,400
Female	4-8 9-13 14-18 19-30 31-50 51+	1,200 1,600 1,800 2,000 1,800 1,600	1,400-1,600 1,600-2,000 2,000 2,000-2,200 2,000 1,800	1,400-1,800 1,800-2,200 2,400 2,400 2,200 2,000-2,200
Male	4-8 9-13 14-18 19-30 31-50 51+	1,400 1,800 2,200 2,400 2,200 2,000	1,400-1,600 1,800-2,200 2,400-2,800 2,600-2,800 2,400-2,600 2,200-2,400	1,600-2,000 2,000-2,600 2,800-3,200 3,000 2,800-3,000 2,400-2,800

 The table is just a general idea of where you need to be and that wasn’t good enough for me, I wanted specifics.  THUS, I went to  http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/245588.php   where they have a nifty little calculator that figures up your base metabolic rate.  I figured up my base rate.  For a sedentary lifestyle for me that is 1764.  This second website also then has you add in your lifestyle.  I do pretty heavy intense exercise 6 times a week.  So I adjusted my base metabolic rate according to the instructions on the website…which took me to 2206.25. (wow….it’s only 6.5 calories off of the table….I guess I didn’t need to do all the double checking on the second website).  So that is the amount of calories that I need to eat to MAINTAIN my weight.

However, we all know that I’m not in this to maintain my weight at this point. (although knowing those numbers will come in handy in the future!  J   I’m in this to LOSE.  I have always been told by my doctors and weight watchers that 2 pounds is the most that you should be losing on average each week.  Everything else is to much.  But for the sake of this post I decided to add a website showing this figure as the acceptable.  http://www.shape.com/weight-loss/weight-loss-strategies/ask-diet-doctor-losing-10-pounds-week-safe So for the sake of argument I’m aiming at 2 pounds loss a week…average. 

So how do you lose 2 pounds a week?  Really weight loss is just like a budget.  Deposits versus withdraw.  Your deposits are what you are eating….your withdraw is what your body is spending to keep you moving (Stop laughing, you thought I was going to say your withdraw was what you leave in the bathroom….I’m SOOO not that crass…..ha ha ha).   It’s a budget….calories in versus calories out.  Just like your financial budget.  If you want to save money you have to spend less money than you earn.  Likewise, to lose weight I have to eat less than I burn.  So it is common knowledge that there it takes a deficit of  roughly 3500 calories to lose a pound.  http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/how-many-calories-does-it-take-lose-one-pound  So if I want to lose the max recommended poundage each week, I need to cut my calories by 7000 each week.  (simple math…3500 plus 3500 equals 7000).

So let’s do the math….I need to cut my calories by 1000 each day in order to lose 2 pounds a week.  7000 calories divided by 7 days of the week equals 1000.   If I could draw a line in this blog post I would draw a line back to the paragraph about the base metabolic rate.  I can’t, so you will have to remember… my base metabolic rate is 2206.5 (at my current rate of exercise).   SO for me to lose 2 pounds a week I need to cut my calories down to 1206.5   Guess what?  I actually right now aim for 1250……I’m dead flat on with what I am aiming for to eat…maybe even a bit high.  

Is this plan perfect and fail proof?  No!  Some weeks my body doesn’t lose like it should.  It is not a given that I WILL lose 2 pounds.  This plan is just a theory, a base.  It’s based on science. It’s approved by doctors, trainers (yes, I’ve had fitness professionals recommend it), this is actually what Jillian Michaels expounded upon in her first (I think first) book and if you match up the calories with points that weight watchers uses it equals about to be the same. 

I work the plan better than most. .  I don’t fill up my calories with empty calories.  Fast food, junk food, etc etc is not part of my diet.  I will admit to some nights splurging and having a ½ cup of ice cream or some other sweet snack…SOME nights I said, not every night.  However, the bulk of my calories are filling, healthy nutritional foods.   They are foods that fill me up and leave me feeling satisfied all day long. 

Ok, that said.  I do not drop down way low in my calories.  I do not have days where I only eat 600 or 700 calories.  That is way to low and totally unhealthy.  I eat a balanced diet and actually feel full and satisfied throughout the day.  I eat healthy natural filling foods.    I do exercise a lot.  I exercise because right now it is the outlet for my stress.  It is where I drown my sorrows. 

I track everything I eat.  I won’t lie about that. However, I am not anal about measuring and counting.  Every once in a while I will measure just to make sure that I am on target, but I do not want to be tracking nazi.  I want to live my life.  So in reality, I KNOW that when I say I’m eating 1250 calories that I may, just may be eating 1300 or 1400.   It’s a trade off for me……I track, I exercise lots but I don’t worry so much about measuring every morsel of food that goes into my mouth.

As for the amount of exercise I do…..I average between 1 hour to 1.5 hours a day (mostly about 1).  It is MY time.  Its kinda scary because I am finding that I LOVE it.  I am exercising not because I have to….or because I need to. I’m doing it because I’m happy with myself when I do.  For the first time in a long time I feel as if I’m doing something GOOD and RIGHT.  It clears my mind from all the negative stuff that swirls in my  mind all day.  I do it for ME.  I miss it when I don’t do it.  I daydream about the liberation that exercise brings me….and the way my body feels when I complete a hard workout.  That sense of pride is indescribable.   That said, I’m not pushing myself to the brink of disaster.   I take a day of rest and allow my body to rest.  Sometimes my body demands an extra day of rest and you know what?  I allow it.  Generally speaking, we are under-using our bodies by a long shot.   Our bodies are capable of so much and we are not even coming near reaching our bodies potential.    I thought for a long time that if I exercised heavy and intensely that I was going to hurt myself.  That’s not the case.  I’m eating healthy foods that fuel my body.  I’m not starving myself (in fact, if you could see how much food I do eat…lol).  My body responds well.  I come home from a run and I’ve got more energy, pep and vigor that if I didn’t.  My body thanks me!

 

A long way indeed

Sometimes if it feels as if I am treading water in this journey.  The journey seems long.  I feel as if it is two steps forward and one step back.  This mornings run was that way.  It wasn't a good run.  Oh, I didn't hurl, or fall down or anything.  I didn't have to stop and walk.  I just felt tired and my time was SLOW and I cut it short (that was probably a mistake, maybe I should have pushed through it) by about a half mile to a mile. (Stupid GPS program malfunctioned on me AGAIN...second run in a row).

The old MaryFran wanted to come home and beat myself up about what felt like two steps backwards whilst eating a whole batch of cookie dough while I flipped the big stack of pancakes that I wanted to eat in order to tide me over to the cinnamon rolls that I could have in the oven in two shakes of a lambs tail.  (yeah, loving to bake and cook is murder because even though I don't have the sweets in the house, it only takes a few minutes to whip up a batch of delightful food).  No, I didn't do any of that.  I made the planned breakfast for us and then I realized it was the beginning of May....and that called for a measurement day.

I took my measurements.  My arms and my legs didn't hold any major changes...maybe a half inch off my thighs...but no major changes.  My torso though...EVERY measurement that I took (and I take five from breasts down to hips) showed me dropping 1 inch!  PROGRESS!

Seeing the inches drop made me look realistically at my weight.  I've dropped 28,2 pounds this year alone!   That is SPECTACULAR!   Even more spectacular?????   From my highest weight ever, I am down 91.8 pounds!   Holy cow!  I'm creeping up on the 100 pounds lost mark!       PROGRESS!!!!

I run!   PROGRESS!!

But lets break the running down even further.  On January 31,  I started to run.  I was doing a C25K program.  90 seconds of running about near killed me.  I remember the second week (I think it was the second week) when we had to run for three minutes straight.  Sherry and I were together and we were SURE that the program had stopped because it had gone on forever and a day!  I can now run for 45 minutes straight.  I may be slower than a turtle in peanut butter, but I am out there doing it.  I used to go for 20 minutes and barely broke a mile and was exhausted.  Now I jog for 45 minutes or about 3.5 miles and come home reinvigorated.  Yeah, my body is tired but I'm so hyped up that I am super productive.  I've come a LONG way indeed in running.  So what that today was a crappy run.....I STILL DID IT!  And on January 31, I couldn't!  PROGRESS

I will leave you with pictures from my morning run this morning.  It may have been a slug fest for my legs and body, but it was GORGEOUS to my eyes!