Throw in the Towel

The last few weeks I have struggled.   I occasionally think about how awesome I felt at a lower weight and I want it again!    I think about the energy levels I had back than and I want it!!!!  And in those moments it seems attainable and even something that I really want and am willing to work for!!!

But a lot of the time I think about going through the bins of clothes that I have in the next size or so down.....and throwing them away (or rather goodwilling them!).  I think about just settling and buying clothes for me right now in this size....not constantly just buying the bare minimum because 'I'm going to be losing weight and won't be in this size much longer'.   I think (quite happily I might add) about never logging onto myfitnesspal again.  Never again thinking about caloric counts.   I think about walking away from it all and just being happy with who I am and not worrying about my weight.  

You see...Jason tells me all the time how beautiful I am.  He tells me all the time that I'm perfect and the woman of his dreams in every way!!  It is me that doesn't feel 'perfect'.    But when I think about his compliments and actually start to believe them I really honestly wonder why I am doing this?  Why am I beating my head against a seemingly indestructible brick wall???  Is it worth it?

You see....I stress myself out.  I am torn in half between wanting the weight loss and wanting the freedom.   I half heartedly try.  I half heartedly keep my finger in the pot.  I log onto myfitnesspal every day....gotta keep my streak going you know!!!   But I don't log religiously.....I log half heartedly.  And usually just breakfast with an occasional lunch tracked. It's sad really. 

 Half-hearted effort....and no results.   They go hand in hand don't they?  And what's worse they breed more of the same!!!

I haven't give up totally.   I want to live and be active up until the end.....and I know weight loss...or rather a healthy lifestyle is important to accomplish that goal.   And that thought alone is what is keeping that one wee little toe of mine in this race. 

My weight for this week?  Up 2 pounds.  Grrr.   I am right where I was in March.  I guess I should be happy that in holding steady within a five pound range.  (I have dropped on occasion but  I'm pretty much sticking within a 3 pound range....I'm at the top of that range right now)

So let's look at the positives.  

So far in 2016.......

I have hiked 180.67 miles.

I have run 157.89 miles.  

I have walked 369.63 miles!!! 

We have hiked and stood at overlooks.  

We  hiked to scenic beaches through nature preserves.

We have stood at the bottom of a waterfall and then a few hours later stood at the top of that same waterfall after a long climb up.

We have walked the beach....

And walked through graveyards and around ruins and other interesting places exploring...  

We have walked countless hours in museums.

And 

I have been somewhat active!!!  

So there are positives!!!

And as I reread what I wrote and looked at the positives one thing was startling clear in my thoughts.   I want to live!!!  I want to be looking at pictures of myself in 40 years of me standing at a waterfall....in a museum (and not as a mummy but as a visitor)...at a beach sunset....viewing an overlook!  Yes I'll be 84....it's doable!!!

I don't know how this is going to play out.  I am making no vows to be religious with tracking.  I make no vows to watch healthy.  I make no vows to never eat a chip again!   I make no promises at all!   

But maybe.....just maybe I can find some kind of happy medium!!!!

The urge to quit

The last week or two has been extremely difficult in terms of my exercise.  I have gone out to complete my runs. I've really attempted them.  However, they are just less than stellar. I'm frustrated at my progress.  I'm not happy with it.  I read one blog where the person said "I just worked to run faster each time I went out"   That's easier said than done.  I am running at 80-85% of my HR ....I can't push it harder or my pea pickin' heart will spontaneously com bust. (ha).   I have/had a goal set for my next 5K....a time goal.  This race is  looming very close and I am consistently running my 5k 2-3 minutes slower than I need to be.  I'm only hoping that the adrenaline and whatnot pushes me to a PR. 

Saturday for the first time in a while I actually felt like quitting.  (in fairness, these thoughts came after a treadmill run..and I hate treadmill runs)   It felt hopeless.  I am disgusted at the slow progress and honestly the fact that the last week I've struggled to actually RUN my miles and I have to constantly fight the temptation to stop.  I sound like Jillian Michael's in my head....I run and drop to a walk.  Immediately, I hear her voice in my head yelling at me to RUN....and I run. (she scares me!)   The urge to quit is heavy in my mind.  VERY heavy in my mind.    I don't want to quit.  I vowed to commit through the beginning of August.......but it would be SOO easy to quit.  I'm not going to.  I'm going to see this through.  I'm just praying for some visible and concrete progress.  

I got my bike.   The adjustment from my Trek Nav to my new bike has been not so much difficult but painful. (I only ride my trek on the canal...FLAT and no elevation....so transitioning to hills isn't helping the adjustment)   It's  big adjustment.  I was talking to someone the other day ...a bank customer that saw me out on my new bike and when I mentioned the transition, he said "some people never adjust".  First I wanted to slap him silly for his negativity.  But then I started to think deep about it.....most people don't really commit TO adjusting.  It gets tough and they give up.  I'm determined to adjust  the pain will disspate!

I'm not a quitter anymore!  I will (as long as legs hold out...or more specifically the arthritic knees hold out) continue through at least the August mark.   Quiting may have been a fleeting thought (ok, it's a recurring theme in my mind), but it's NOT AN OPTION!