crapola

YES, crapola! I was so set to not even taste the cake batter. THen I caved. EII YIII YIII! My only consolation. I actually had 6 points left for the day to utilize for something special. SOOOO..I guess my points just went there. BUT I"m still not happy with myself!

Friday morning chit chat

I heard the best statement this morning. It was made by someone who was working out...and feeling the pain of it as she pushed herself. Her comment... "I've learned that I need to welcome pain, for it is through pain that I learn, grow and mature and succeed". How true is that. It's true in exercise. We can't get further until we push ourselves into that realm of pain. Into that realm where things are uncomfortable. But also, in our lives....the pain helps us grow and mature. Really....how profound is that statement?

Just a review. Last Sunday I weighed in at 184.4 pounds. On Monday I was 185.4 (most likely water retention). I didn't weigh myself at home anymore since then (official weigh in ws 183 at my meeting). Well, this morning I weighed myself. I weighed in at a fantastic 181.4 pounds! that's like incredible! And including today I've still got 4 days to go until my official weigh in day!!!! It just seems as if the weight is dropping off of me. I know that it is in large part due to the mental shift that has occured within me. But I hope that whatever plateau that I kept hitting at around 180 is BEHIND me! FOR GOOD. I so want to power into the 170's SOON! At the rate I've been losing......next week maybe???? :-)

I'm going to so kill Todd's mothers cat. Ok...maybe not kill it...because she can't help it. You see...she's getting old....I think she is still mourning over the loss of Judy (todd's mother)..and well....she's old. BUT does she have to puke EVERY morning at 4:45???? BESIDE ME! This morning it was on the floor...yesterday I heard her 'gearing' up while she laid on the pillow beside my head (yeah, I threw her on the floor pretty darn fast!). The problem.....5 is just too close to when I typically wake up...so then I lay there awake..unable to sleep. Yesterday i went out and made the biscotti early. This morning because i had to work, I got up and rode the exercise bike for 45 minutes....i was slow and sluggish though...only made it 12.1 miles....oh well. I was showered and dressed and ready for work by 6AM. Ohhh....I don't have to leave for work until 7:40. What do do with time like that? Yeah, I could have cleaned my house...but oh well....that wasn't going to happen this morning! :-)

I'm planning on a thorough cleaning tomorrow afternoon. I work until noon...and when I get home I have to decorate a cake (which I'm baking tonight) and then I'll clean the house. Ohhh the cake I'm decorating..Here's a laugh. It's a guitar shaped cake (borrowed the pan from my mom)....but it's for a guy who is totally into southern rock music...and apparently the confederate flag....with a white bird is a big deal (ok...displaying my southern rock innocence right about now). SOOOO I'm decorating this guitar cake as a confederate flag (and i have a little white bird to put on it...) crazy isn't it? Oh well...twill be a challenge. My mom and one of her friends that decorates cakes thinks I'm utterly insane to even attempt it. We'll see how it goes! :-)

It is pouring rain here right now!!! Utterly ugly outside! My consolation...I'm working open to close here today....so I wouldn't be outside anyway...and most likely after 10.5 hours, I would go home and veg out anyway...wait, I've got dinner to make and a cake to bake (make, bake cake...haa haa haaa) so I wouldn't be able to be outside anyway..I guess it all works out for the best doesn't it?

Got my points all planned out for today. As long as I can hold firm and not eat any crumbs from the cake...or any cake batter, i'll be good. Oh well...if I could do it yesterday, I can do it today. And you know what.....It's purely a thing of pride now......I don't want to do succumb...simply to prove to myself that I can do it! the biggest problem.....is not refraining from eating, ie making that concious decision to not eat it....it's the mindless stuff....I caught myself a few times yesterday just picking up a piece or bite of something and getting ready to pop it into my mouth! EII YII YII But yesterday I was able to stop myself. I will today also!

I was hoping to walk on my lunch break today, as i did last week. however, with the rain that will not be happening. Oh well. At least I got some exercise in this morning! I think Todd has to be up and out of the house tomorrow morning at by 7am...so I may ride super early in the morning. Then if I want, I can get a double ride in by riding after I clean and decorate the cake. Yep..I'm going to do everything i can to help power this weight off!

Soul searching

I was emailing yesterday with a friend. We were talking about some super deep issues in our lives. Stuff I will not share on here in a public forum. I'm not putting that stuff on here....not about her or not about myself!

What I will say is that although I've been overweight since I was right at around 12 I just recently realized that there was a point in my life when I packed on about 100 pounds...quickly. I never sat back and realized that. All of a sudden it just clicked into place. I didn't care that I was gaining weight because of a situation in my life that I was trying to 'live up to'. OR should I say live down to. I felt inadequate...and I allowed my body to reflect that feeling. There were reasons that I felt inadequate and not worthy. ANd I let the weight pack on...and in some weird twisted way, I then used the weight as the 'reason' that I was inadequte. I started losing weight because of my health. I've lost about 120 pounds or so to date. As everyone that has read my blog knows, I've been struggling. Well, in the last few weeks I've learned some lessons. I thank a few good friends...some in person, some friends that I know only via the interent that have helped to set me straight. I've learned that these inadequate feelings were based on something that was through no fault of mine! I was not at fault for anything that caused me to feel this way.

I think that is part of why I was having such a difficult time wrapping my mind around losing more weight. I had shed that protective layer of fat.....the layer of fat that I had put on to use as my excuse. Without that layer I no longer have the excuses........I had/have to face the issues head on.

Yes, this is totally rambling and probably incoherent....but to me it's HUGE.

****a side note for myself should I ever not understand what in the world I was dancing around trying to say without saying it.....go read my personal journal....it will all make sense!!!******

ON fire!!!!

Todays pictures of me. None are particularly great...but hey...they are from today!

I'm on fire with my eating. Amazing what a difference this mental shift has made in my control I've been totally on the program with my eating now for about a whole week. Even more so amazing...this morning I was up early. I made a batch of chocolate chip biscotti. I did not even take a bite of the snow. NOT EVEN A LICK! I didn't eat the ends as I cut the biscotti up...or the crumbs that inevetably fall off. NOTHING. NOt one iota. They cooled and I had them bagged and put away without eating ANYTHING! TONIGHT, I made snickerdoodles. (yeah, I"m a glutton for punishment...but it's for a work crew that is dong community service...Todd is the chair of the community service committee). ONce again...NO LICKS, bites or tastes! I told myself that I would allow myself to eat the LAST little bite of cookie dough. The last because I knew that once I tasted that I woudl continue eating until they were all either eaten or baked. Well....half way through baking all of a sudden it hit me....won't I be so proud of myself if I don't partake of any? And quite honestly...do I really need that? Honestely, I probably have the points. But you know what......I'm fine....and I feel so much more proud of myself for having control over the situation!!!!!

This afternoon, I rode the exercise bike. This challenge that I'm doing is an amazing way to keep myself on target with exericisng. I SOO didn't want to exercise today.

Two of my newer outfits that I have purchased recently!

Today I ate well....and actually because of myschedule, ended up with a LOT Of points left over. I ate mostly fruits and veggies today...and you just don't rack up the points very fast with all fruist and veggies. :-) SOOOOOO I treated myself. I treated myself to a Wendy's Frosty. (it was on the way home...and not much is on the way home so my options were limited) Did you know that Wendy's has vanilla frosty's. I had heard about it.......and would you believe that they were 'out' of chocolate...forcing me to get a vanilla??????? IT wasn't bad...a bit too vanilla-y for me though. But I did enjoy it regardless.

I'm off tomorrow. I have to make some chocolate chip biscotti tomorrow morning for mom. Then Todd and I have a meeting to attend. A trip to Lowes. Mowing at mom and dad's and Todd has something to nail using the nail gun. Then we are going to eat with mom and dad. I will need to get some mileage in there somewhere. EIther in the morning...or evening. Although we have mentioned possibly going to the gym. We'll have to see. That woudl be a nice break from the routine mundane for me!

Should I weigh in tomorrow??? That is the question. At home of course! That is the question of the hour. I guess I"ll figure that out in the morning! :-)

Weigh in results!

Well....I was worried. I hoped for a maintain at least. I honestly had no clue when I stepped onto the scales. OHHHH my word did I honestly have not clue!!!!!! 4.6 pounds! I called TOdd to ask him to put something in the oven he asked how I did. I answered, "4.6 pounds". He sounded incredulous when he answered, "GAINED?" I laughed and laughed....when I answered it was with extreme happiness to tell him that I LOST 4.6 pounds. He was like, "that's huge" Yeah, that is huge at this stage in my weight loss progress. However, after being where I've been the last few months, well.....it's understandable. I'm going to do my best to follow up that loss with another one next week. I may not weigh myself at home this week....and just go for broke. OHhhh I don't know..that makes me a bit nervous though! We'll see.

I've got some riding to do today. I took off yesterday...so I need to get some formal mileage in today! THe first month of the challenge I did 229.85 miles! Amazing! I'm hoping to equal that...or even better that for next month! That is my goal...to better my mileage each month! That would be way cool!!!!!!

I also want to get a little painting in this today. I've got to wait though until its dry outside. I'll get it done...a little bit at a time! OH goody...todd just told me that the cars are dry...which probably means taht the siding is dry! LEt the good times roll! OH I just love painting. NOte the extreme sarcasm in that statment. I painted pretty much every surface of the inside of this place through the months of January and February. I thought that was bad enough. ANd I was so relieved when it was over. The outside never even entered my mind. Now I'm suckered into painting again. And when the siding is done...then it's on to the screened in porch...followed by the decks! And the one deck needs scrapped first. JOY JOY>..it just keeps getting better doesn't it?

Weigh in Day

Tonight is my official weigh in. I am definitely going to weigh in. I don't rightly know if I've lost enough weight to show a loss.....remember I gained 4 pounds last week. BUT, just to show how much this subtle shift of my thinking has changed. I don't care. I'm going to go...face, the music and do it. I've also decided to go in blind. I'm not weighing myself this morning. In fact, I already at my breakfast...and I don't weigh after I've put anything into my mouth. I usually try to make my morning weight as 'pure as possible. Meaning I try to make the conditions as uniform everyday as possible. SO, I've already ruined the conditions! :-) I also was a bit thirsty. Nothing really bad...but I knew that I wanted a drink. SO I need to drink up today.

My plans for today. IT's darn tootin' cold outside right now. I may around 11 or so go out and paint for an hour or two, waiting that long to allow for the sun to warm things up a bit....and dry the side of the house. I noticed that the cars are dew covered...so I imagine that hte house is also a bit dewy and damp also. We'll see.

I'm planning on taking the day off from 'organized' exercise. That is the current plan at least. However, I note that even though I''m saying this...and I could 'close' the week on my exercise log and actually calculate my weekly totals...and add it to my 'challenge' total....well...I just haven't done it! I'll do it at work, only because I need my totals for tonights meeting. :-)

Blah blah bliggity blah

I woke up this morning. My first thought was, "wow, I'm thirsty." Now, I've said this before and I'll say it again. THAT is not a good sign. If your body is telling you that it is thirsty...then you are ALREADY partially dehydrated. It's too late at that point. The only thing you can do is really start drinking to get your self re-hydrated. SOOOO...why in the world I stepped on the scales anyway? Yeah, your guess is as good as mine. So I went from 184.4 yesterday to 185.4 today. A pound up. BUT you know.....it's consistent. That is what I typically weigh if I'm dehydrated...one two two pounds up. Oh well....at least I know. I guess why I still got on the scales...I worked outside all day. I then rode that darn exercise bike.....and I didn't go over my points. Plain and simple, yesterday was a textbook day (well...except for the water consumption apparently). So I was expecting to see good things! Oh well...I can think of worse things. I'm drinkin' it up today...so I should be able to see results tomorrow!

This morning, i got up and messed around the house for an hour or two. And then Todd and I went over to the studio apartment to try to organize and well...just get more work done. We moved from there to here. There was no hurry to get out of there. THEREFORE, as I moved, I kinda just stripped out what I wanted to bring at taht point...only bringing the absolute neccessities first...and then a little here and there as i needed or found the time to do. Well....the kitchen is the one that is just a wreck! So i went over today and gathered up some stuff from the kitchen. I cleaned a bit also...wiped the empty cabinets out...that sort of thing. Slowly but surely I'm making headway. I came home and found a 'home' for all the stuff that I brought back with me. Today it was a lot of tupperware stuff. It all fits, it just requires that my tupperware cabinet be neat as a pin! We'll see how long that lasts! After putting everything away, I made lunch for Todd and I. I work from 2-6 and he leaves to go to work at 6. So I made our main meal at lunchtime today. I made chicken cordon bleau, parslied potatoes, peas and served it with grapes. YUMMY. Throughout that time, I did two loads of laundry and got them out on the line. AND at 12:30 I went out for a bike ride. I've been riding a lot. BUT, I've been utilizing the exercise bike...inside. So at first thought, you'd think......no big deal, indoor outdoor. BUT, my exercise bike is a recumbant style. Yeah, a lot of the muscles used when riding both bikes are similar. HOWEVER, there are some that are used more prevalantly in one versus the other. SOOOOOOO today was my first 'outdoor' bike ride of the year. One word.....BRUTAL! Oh yeah, i also biked on our road...which is more hilly than I am used to. I definitely will miss being right on the battlefield and having all those roads to bike! I can see me driving over with my bike on the rack in order to continue to bike over there. BUT, in the meantime...I will conquer my road!!!!!

Here are some of the passages that I was talking about ealier..the ones that I couldn't find. (gotta love the slow times at work when I can REALLY look for them). The book in reference, "Are You Ready!" By Bob Harper.

In this chapter, he is talking about acceptance. "Right after you accept yourself, you nee dto forgive yourself--forgive al the false starts, failed diets........Then the permission to change becomes an invitation to achieve your goals. When you take the time to reconnect with your body, you creat the opportunity to stay grounded in yourslf, strengthening your connection to your heart, which is vital to making this work."

One thing that stood out at me this week.....he recommends one to sit down at least once a week and think about all the accomplishments you achieved since the last time. Think about the positives...and truely remind yourself of how far you have come.

"Our thoughts are a window into how we conceive of ourselves--our strngths and weaknesses,our limitations and aspirations. And yet most of the time we float from one activity to the next without considering that we can choose to think in a more positive way. As you being to make this shift into awareness you will find that you can also have a direct impact on how you react to certain situations and even how you feel. Our thoughts create our feeligns. And whenyou are trying to get to the root of your relationship wtih food, these thoughts often trigger emotional eating."

And on that same note...our lives are like a garden......and negative thoughts are like a weed. They creep in.....and reinforce bad behaviors such as overeating....and slowly they overtake all the pretty stuff.

Sunday morning news

Got up and weighed myself this morning. Imagine this......I weighed in at 184.4 pounds! WOAH doggie. The weight is dropping off again!!! That makes me one very very happy girl!



I've been able to keep myself under control today. In fact, I've got some extra points left here....and dinner is over and done with. AND that is not including any activity points. You see...I was outside working for about 5 hours today. THEN I had the gumption to come in and ride the exercise bike! YEah, I don't know what came over me either. I will admit...I was super tired on the bike and cut it a bit short...only 20 minutes. BUT I did 4.85 miles in that 20 minutes. SO...hopefully with all the activity today...and my healthy eating, I will see the weight drop some more tomorrow on the scales!



Dang, dang double dang. Last night I was reading and came upon something that was like super relavent and pertinent to what I've been learning about myself and goign through. And whadya know....I brought the book out this morning...laid it here on my desk so I could put it in this journal...and I can't find the passage now...and there was more than one! FRUSTRATING!



I know one of the passages was about how I perceive myself...and how that effects my weight loss results. It was sooo in line with what I have been thinking. EXCEPT for the fact that I may be focusing too much on what others are thinking....I"m getting lots of compliments and such and that is driving my confidence. This book tells me that I need to feel this confidence about myself. My thing.....these compliments actually have helped my mind catch up to my weight loss efforts and really help me realize that I'm a good looking woman.



Ohhhh today, I was out front painting and Todd was out back working. Well, I had my headphones on....and I was listening to my music and minding my own business. ALl of a sudden I heard a beep. It was two guys on motorcycles. They beeped....waved...and about drove off the side of the road because their necks were craned backwards looking. Looking at what you might say.... well....ME! They roared off and I smiled to myself and went on painting. Well, within minutes there was Todd...standing at my side...aksing me about the bikers. It wasn't my imagination at all. He's been teasing me about it ever since then. I'm not sure he likes all the attention that his 'hot' wife is getting. Actually I think one half of him is likin' it...but the other half is not so keen on it. Oh well....

Long Day

Oh my word, was work ever long, slow and boring this morning. I worked in the lobby, which I actually come close to hating. I so much more prefer the drive up. For various reasons. One, it's busier; thus making the time go faster. But two, I'm kinda in my own world back there. I like that. Anyway, I was up front and bored out of my skull! I couldn't wait for the workday to over. FINALLY it ended. We locked the door at noon and we rolled out of there just a few minutes later. I rushed home, ate lunch and did some work around the yard. I mowed the yard...which didn't net ANY activity points as I used the riding lawn mower. Nothing like last year using the push mower for 4 hours each week! After the mowing was done, I rolled the chipper up to the brush pile and proceeded to finish up the brush/wood pile at the north end of the property! WOOO HOOOO! I'm particularly excited because this brush pile was perilously close to my clothes line. In fact, I couldn't use one end of my clothes line because of the brush pile. Not that big of deal because of course my clothes lines ar like 50 feet long....... BUt still! I worried about what critters and creepy crawlies were in that pile while I was up there hanging clothes....wearing flip flops! SOOOOO I finished that pile today! THen I went back and mowed
that area....it's amazing how much grass can grow up under a pile like that! BUt anyway...oh my word does it look so nice up there...all freshly mowed with NO pile of brush and branches! (There has been a pile up there since EARLY March)

I came in the back door after working outside, grabbed my wallet and headed to our one and only little eatery in town....a convience store place. I picked up a turkey sub for each of us (a half for me...and a whole for Todd). I bought two bags of sunchips and two drinks. Diet Pepsi for of course (I was done with my water for the day). I wasn't worried as I actually had 19 points left for the day. I was so proud of Todd and I. We actually put the one bag of chips up and split the other one! Yeah, the bags were actually two serving bags each. SO it was plenty to share. It really feels good to take control and to do something like that. NOW, if I would hav saved my buck and not bought the second bag...although I know that Todd will eat them sometime this week for lunch! :-) ANYWAY, after dinner, I went into the bedroom...and even though my calves were still sore...and I'd wracked up tons of steps on my pedometer while doing the chipper thing....I got on that dang bike. I rode for about 30 minutes total......10 miles EXACTLY when i was done. It was kinda crazy. I don't pay attention to mileage. BUt I was training at a lower resistance...but aiming for a higher RPM.......so I was hoping to make it to 10. SO You can imagine my shock and happiness when I moved aside the laptop (sitting atop the handlebars, hiding the display) and saw 10.0!

After riding, I came out and updated my exercise log....and also my food log with my dinner. I'm actually shocked. I went HIGH on my estimation for my sandwhich..and I've still got points left! I may have a ff/sf jello. I have one more serving left. BUT then again...I may not have it. Who knows!

Ok....that solves that question...I'm eating my jello as I type! Ok, I couldn't type and eat at the same time...so I just finished. YUMMY! And guilt free! That makes it more yummy!

Wow...I just looked I'm at 47.59 miles for this week already. AND I've got Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to go before my week rolls! WOO HOOO!

On top of my game!

Yes, I'm still on top of my game. Yesterday, I did go over my daily points by 2 points. I was worried though. First, I had that decent ride yesterday morning. I walked on my lunch break, and I DID get an hour to hour and a half of painting in when I got home from work. PLUS, I tried to stand and move a good deal at work instead of simply parking 'it' on my chair and sitting like a bump on a log at my counter. And even though I did go over my pointage...I had 7 servings of fruits/veggies! That's awesome! So, you may be wondering what my weight is. Well, my official weigh in on Tuesday put me at 187.6. By Thursday morning...I was up to 189.8. YEAH, bad bad bad. This morning, I was down to 187.4. Activity and healthy eating really does pay off!

Weirdly enough....my calve muscles are KILLING me today. Ok, not killing me...but I can feel that they are super tight when I move. Is it from riding? Standing on a ladder painting? All the standing I did at work (with heels on). Was it my lunch break walk (I did put on tennis shoes to do that). Whatever...I worked something.

I work today from 7:45 till noon. Hopefully the weather will be nice when I get home so that I can get outside and continue my painting mission. WOO HOOOO. With probably 3 hours or so, I could have the whole thing totally painted....with it's first coat. THe back only needs a short little section of white second coated. The one side only needs the white second coated (the trim is already doubled). So it's coming along. I'll be glad when it is done. However, then I'll have to switch my focus to the porch and the decks. Ei yiii yiii...will it ever end? If I work outside all afternoon...(climbing up and down ladders and such) I'll probably not ride this afternoon. We'llsee though.

Feeling strong!

I don't know what is different. I dno't know what has changed. I know that this morning I woke up and I actually feel back 'into the game'. I know that it defies reason. Why would I simply wake up and my mental game be back. What would cause it. I dont' know. I will tell you what I do know. I woke up at 6:15. I didn't have to wake up utnil 8 at the latest. I laid in bed for a few minutes...and then got up. After goign to the bathrooom, I ran out to my desk and picked up my headphones. I went back to the bedroom and hopped on the exercise bike. I turned on the laptop, plugged in the headphones and preceeded to watch some videos on You Tube. (todd was sleeping a few feet away). I rode 30 minutes....and did 7.59 miles. After my ride i went to the kitchen and made breakfast. This was actually something that was planned. I work today from 10 till 6pm. And Todd works from 6 until about midnight. So we had planned on having breakfast together. I had cooked some potatoes last night. So all i had to do was peel and slice them before frying them. Todd mentioned the other week that he was hungry for chipped beef over home fries. SO that is what I made. I knew that the chipped beef gravy would be enough for me...pointwise...so i had mine over two slices of low cal/high fiber bread. So as to not feel deprived, I had a very small portion of potatoes as a side. After cleaning up the kitchen I went to my computer. I first of all logged my mileage in my exercise logbook. I then meticulously entered in my food intake for breakfast AND my lunch which i had packed while in the kitchen. Breakfast was a bit high...so I'm going to have to be careful at home tonight. I ate lunch today at my desk. And then i spent my lunch break taking a walk around town. 20 minutes......1 mile! So I'm at 8.59 miles for today. I'm debating. The weather is GORGEOUS outside. When I get off at 6PM. Do i want to go for a bike ride? Go for a jog? Or work on the painting? I'll probably settle on the painting. I can always add another ride in on the inside exercise bike should Iwant another workout tonight but can't fit it in because it gets dark. Heck, I can do a video. I haven't done an exercise video in AGES!

As for motivation...will power....all that. I feel different. It just feels as if there has been some kind of shift in my mental thinking. I'm ready again.

This may have something to do with this perceived change in my thinking. I don't know...but here it is. Last night I was layign in bed and I went to pick up a book to read. I went to grab an easy reading fiction...but instead grabbed the book by Bob Harper. I just couldn't wait to get this book a while back....so I rushed out and got it. I read a bit ( a very little bit) and then it kinda got shoved aside and 'forgotten'. Well, I started reading it last night. It just all popped out at me. It talked about self confidence. It talked about the fact that we shouldn't be relying on the approval of others. We shouldn't be putting ourselves down and ignoring compliments. It just hit me...that was me. Why do i not accept compliments...I've done an incredible job on my own transformation. AND when the heck have I really started to care about what others think of me...if they don't like me for me...then who the heck cares! That has ALWAYS been my mantra. What caused it to change in the first place!

The other thing....setting realistic goals. Yes, I only have 20 pounds to go until I get to the weight watcher approved (ok, it's based on BMI) weight. And that is my next big goal. BUT, I need to set small mini goals for myself. And realistic about them! My first mini goal.....push past this 180 pound barrier and get into the 170's. Solidly into the 170's...not just a temporary dip into the 170's waters! That's less than 10 pounds....I think my official weight watchers weigh in on Tuesday night was 186 and some odd ounces. So I'm talking about 6-7 pounds. That is sooooo doable! 6-7 pounds in the grand scheme of things. Looking back at where I've come from....small beans! Yes, it's gonna be hard....but I can totally do it!

So...here's my mini goals that I'm setting for myself ...and the order that I need to work to reach them!
* Get ouf of the 180's! that is roughly 7 pounds to lose.

* From there I'm only going to aim for roughly 5 pound increments.....So therefore, I'l be aiming for 175.

*My next goal will be 169 pounds. Get me out of the 170's and into the 160's

*This will make my next goal 164! Which is my weight watchers goal weight!

*Immediately upon reaching my goal weight, i want to push onward and get a little wiggle room between myself and that goal weight.....so that next goal will be small......simply 2-3 pounds. Gaining any ounce between that goal weight and my weight.

*After i reach the weight watchers goal....I want to focus on maintaining that....and at that time I will reevaluate my body to see if my body needs to go to my mental goal of 150. I'm thinking yeah...but I will objectively look at myself at that point. :-)

* LIFETIME status at weight watchers!

Lets see....rewards for reaching these goals. Well, At 164...my weight watchers goal I am getting a new car stereo. It's actually already purchased. BUT, I won't let Todd put it in before I make my goal. And let me tell you...that would TOTALLY suck when it comes time to drive to Indiana for our vacation (and Julies wedding). I imagine Todd would be growling on that one!

For getting solidly into the 170's. Todd and I will take a day trip somewhere. I've been wanting to go back to the holocaust museum (todd's never been there) and Todd has been wanting to go to the Smithsonian...Air and Space in particular. (when I lived down in the metro area, we tried to go...but the part he was particularly interested in was closed for renovations). So that will be an option for our day trip.

I'll work on the rest of the goals as I get closer to them! I'll know then if I 'need' something ...or just a need to get away...

Refocused...regenerized....ready to roll!

Happy May 1st! Well I'm a bit bummed..my weight is up...even higher. How many times am I going to write entries like this? When will my will power meet up and match my motivation and desire to lose the rest of this weight. Today I kinda got into the homemade graham crackers that I was baking (I mixed the dough up last night....baked it this morning). I did however try to accomodate the rest of my eating today. I probably still ate a bit too much today. ALl I can do is move on and get myself back on track.

Meanwhile. I got on the exercise bike this morning. I rode for about 55 minutes.....15 miles. I was hot and sweaty.. but I felt great afterward. I need to keep focused and ride....ride ....ride. Exercise...exercise...exercise. Keep moving, that is the key to this. I know that I feel better after I've exercised. But I also know that my eating is much better when I'm exercising. I guess because it's fresh in my mind...or I'm looking foward to it (and not in a positive way) so I am reminded that I don't want to eat away all the good that I'm doign for myself. That is the only way that it seems reasonable as to whey things are a bit better and easier when I'm working out religiously. PLUS, the weight drops more easily...which makes me more motivated and I feel better about myself and my efforts.

For the month of April, I logged 159.89 miles. That's not too bad considereing for two weeks I literally squeeked my minimum mileage in for two of the weeks in the month of April. However, I'm going strong for May...started may out with a bang with my 15 miles! WOO HOOO

Last day of April Update

Well. I went out and started my painting. I got the back of the hosue done. I moved to the side of hte house and did that. I moved to the front of the house. WOWZERS, was I on fire. I was plannign my day and I was excited because I just knew that I would be able to get the first coat totally done and maybe even work on the second coat (the back was almost done it's second coat to begin with...) So I was just rolling. UNTIL it started to spit rain. Now, there are lots of things a person can do even if it's spitting rain every once in a while. BUT painting..not happening in the rain. Heck, not evening happening if it threatens to rain. So I packed it all up. I got it all put away and looked back outside. The sun was shining brightly. I tried to do the painting thing again. I started to sprinkle again! What's up with that???? Well, it wasn't worth me worrying about the rain all day...so I packed it up and moved inside. I instead spent the day in the kitchen baking and cooking to my hearts content. I also cleaned the house really good. ( did paint for 2-3 hours in the morning...so all was not lost).

Totally bums me out that I couldn't paint all day. It would have felt so dang good to get a huge chunk of the painting done! ooH WELL, at least I got some painting done!

I started out soooo strong with the baking. I had gum in my mouth...I didn't taste anything. But the problem...I've never been able to chew gum for extended periods of time. My jaw starts to hurt and actually I start to almost gag. So I chewed as long as I could...and then ditched the gum. When I ditched the gum....well, I welcomed a bit of food. I did better than I've done in the past if that is any consolation!

I actually started to go and exercise....on the exercise bike. However, after being on my feet and working all day,I'm tired. I"m not used to being on my feet all day. My shoulder blades were tense adn a bit sore after my painting this m orning....and my afternoon of baking and cleaning just made it worse......so I stood there looking at the exercise bike and just couldn't make myself do it. I'm determined though that tomorrow I"ll be on taht bike and riding like a demon!

Speaking of bikes....I need to get my bike from the studio apartment where it isstill stoerd and get it over her so I can ride. I used to ride my bike tot he deli. I want to start riding my bike to the bank. I can take my clothes in my backpack and change when I get there. It will work for me. It will be good exercise.....and will be better for the environment. NOT to mention the saved gas. Yeah, I know that it will only save me 5 miels of mileage today. But that's 5 miles. If I do it once a week for ...oh heck,I"m not even remotely in the mood to try to figure out how much I"d be saving.

WOAH doggie......it's the last day of April. Where has this month gone. Where has this year gone thus far! May already eii yii yiii

I'm still struggling a bit with feeling blue. I'll admit that this week is my more 'emotional' week of the month...so I'm sure that has something to do with it. All I have to say.......I want it to pass! It just seems as if a lot of stuff is happening during this more 'emotional' week.

fessin' up

Weigh in. DO I really have to 'fess up"? I don't wanna!!!! Please don't make me! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Ok, I stand humbled, contrite and ready to admit my ~gulp~ gain. Yes, I gained. I believe I had mentioned that fact yesterday. I knew I was going to gain. I also knew it wasn't going to be too pretty. I was hoping for only a 2 pound gain. WELL... ..... Ok, at least when I do things ...I do them big! I gained 4 pounds this last week! 4 pounds! FOUR STINKIN' POUNDS! This is NOT good. What is happenign to me. I can hold it together for a week or two...bring my number down..and then BAMM...I lose control! This has GOT to stop! First, I'll never make it to my goal if it doesn't. Secondly, I'm tired of being disgusted with myself. Depressed at my 'results'. I just can't take it any longer! SOMETHING has to give. ANd I"m NOT giving up on my goal. I've made it further than I had ever dreamt of making it...I'm not giving up now!

Today I am hoping for sunshine.....or at least no rain. I have plans to work outside. Ok, I WANT to work outside! I want to work on painting the house. I want to finish the one pile of cut stuff...by chipping the rest of it. Either of those activities could take up a whole complete day. Our lawn also desperately needs mowed. It's been so rainy that the grass just pops up so fast and so high!

I'm also going to kick myself into working out religiously again. I haven't been doing well at all. That needs to change! I may not start today....depends on how much work I get done outside. I know that if I work outside for most of the day..that I'll be dead beat when I come in tonight. AND, it is all manual labor......so Ill be moving the whole time...which is activity points...since I don't normally do that stuff. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it really is all contingent on the weather!

Can words even describe this entry?

Weights up. What else can I say about it. Oh, you want to know my reaction to the 'up'? Disgusted, depressed, sick at heart; just to name a few. I am still goign to my meeting tonight. And yes, I'm going to weigh in and face my knocks. The knocks will be particularly bad....i ate at The Waffle House this morning....eii yiii yiii. Oh well......such is life. I so want to get the weight off.......arrggghh

Well...now that I have ranted about that...lets just have a blast and say that life sucks! A while back I made a very important decision. One that had the potential to impact our lives greatly either. Either choice I made was going to have it's positives....but each choice would come with it's corresponding negative. Well, just yesterday I was put into the position of being told that it was a good possibility that the one major negative was being removed...and that it would all be positive. I had my hopes up...I was excited. Then today....dashed. My hopes trampled....crumbled to the ground. And yeah...I'm feeling a bit down about it.

Heck...when is life going to stop kicking me! I was just getting out of a little 'blue' period that I was in for the last few days...and now this. DRAT!

Poor Todd...he's been sick about two weeks now. Can't seem to shake whatever he has.

The past couple weeks have been very intersting. I've struggled with my diet...but I've also come a long ways in some thinking that I think is critical. I realize that due to circumstances and situations that are way beyond my control....my self confidence had been shattered. I felt not attractive. This is due mainly to one person...and one persons actions. I've let that one person skew how I feel about myself. Well....within the last three or four weeks I've had a few different things happen to remind me and let me know that this thinking is totally unfounded. One was the 'hot' letter that I was given by a customer here at work. Some of the others situations and occurances I'm going to leave unsaid. But, I can see a remarkable difference in how I think about myself. Thinking about my choice of clothes that I bought yesterday...I bought totally with that new feeling or confidence in mind. No, the clothes I bought are not hoochie mamma clothes. But they are 'out of the box' for me. I mean...me, MaryFran wearing a shoe that has a 3 inch heel...and enjoying it????? (once again...no, not hoochie mamma...yeah, it's a 3 inch heel...but tis a casual shoe, if that makes sense...it's a wedge heel...more casual) I've always been known as the 'comfort' clothing girl! I'm wearing two of my new items...and I feel spectacular in them. Sexy...confident......good about myself.....ready to face the world again. The only thing that scares me.......the situation that has made me feel inferior in the past is still one that is in my life. It's on the fringes....it's there, ready to raise it's ugly head and strike...dragging me down.

So far so good today. I had toast for breakfast. 1 point for two pieces of toast, smart beat zero point butter spread and a little cinanmon sugar.....we'll call it 2 points and call it a day! For lunch I packed (and ate...without nibbling on any of the plethera of food sitting in the breakroom here at work) a white chocolate cheesecake yogurt, green beans, sauerkraut (hey...it's a zero point food that I actually like...that and green beans.....staples in my life), grapes and to top it off a 1 point, 100 cal pack of the chocolate hostess cakes! YUMMY! That means I've used up a whopping 5 points for today. That gives me 18 points for dinner! No...I'll probably not use 18 points for dinner. BUT, i'll probably use 12 or 13...that's what I usually end up using. :-)

Water consumption today....I'm drinking...and I'm peeing. Which tells me taht I was dehydrated. Oh well...I'll get it straightened out soon enough. Simply by continuing to chug my water (ok, I sip it throughout the day).

3pm...that's the magical time when I get off work today. Woudln't you know...as soon as I start a project outdoors that I'm just DYING to get done....it starts raining...and doesn't seem to want to let up! We've had inch after inch of rain this past week! And still coming down! The project....painting the outside of the house. Oh my word, it's multi colored right now. Part the old color...part the messy looking first coat of the new color. Part of the trim is done, part isn't. The whole place is just a hodgepodge of differing colors. Oh well...we'll get it done eventually. The sun will have to come out sooner or later! :-) The other thing with the rain...I want to be out jogging or riding my bike...and I'm stuck inside. I need to get my butt back into the exercise videos...and back onto my indoor exercise bike. There should be no excuse! Meanwhile....Todd doesn't want to drop the gym...but with gas prices what they are...eii yiii yiiii And since we aren't goign to town as much...because of the gas prices...that hurts our time at the gym. SOOOO it's a double edge sword. What to do..what to do. I talked to him about putting the gym on hold through the summer months when we are busy working outside. I may revisit that with him tonight. We'll have to see. Right now it just strikes me as a waste of money!

Where in the world has April gone? It's almost over! That is just hard to fathom! It seems as if just yesterday it was the beginning of the month...heck, the beginning of the year. Eii yiii yiii...will the rest of the year fly by this fast. :-)

Eat eat eat our sorrows away

Well...this week has been plain and clear emotional eating. I've been a bit down....and I've eaten my fair shair of food trying to drown my sorrows....and bring up my spirits. Didn't work. Well. I was happy with the abundance of food....but did it really make my world start spinning correctly again? Nope! BUt oh wow....I had cocoa and toast...I haven't had that in AGES. I did eat half the amount that I I previously would have eaten......and I used weight watcher / high fiber-low calorie bread so that saved me some points at least. SO at lesat I did better than I would have in my 'past life'.

Hmmm..that's an interesting concept...my present life...and my past life. That is how I need to think about it. My past life is the attitude of not caring...my present life is me trying to live a more healthy balanced life. The problem...the past life really wants to encroach upon the present life so much. It's so easy to forget myself and slip back into the past life. It's always there...ready and waiting to rear it's ugly head. And the problem....the past life is strong. Once it gets a little grip on me...it's hard to shake. It's terrible.....it's all consuming...and with only one bite it's here and strong. Sometimes it is a clear and concious decision to allow the old me back to the front. However, many times it's on a subconcious level that it happens. It has happend at restaurants when I'm feeling rushed by a waitress...my mind just goes straight to the 'old comfortable standbys'. Sometimes I just eat without thinking. However there are times when I plan in my head..but something takes over and I do the exact opposite! This happened once at a restaurant. Todd and I sat talkign about the bread and how we were glad that the waitress hadn't brought bread. Well...she came and I was like, "Can we have some bread with our meal" WHAT? Where did that come from? Todd sat slack jawed. :-) It just come from somewhere...and I don't know where! So it rears it's ungly head at some of the most unexpected times.

Today, I went shopping. I guess another mis-guided attempt to 'drown my worries and sorrows" . OK, OK, OK, I only went to the mall to get my free pair of underwear from Victoria's Secret. And my $15 off an Angel Bra. BUT, I ended up spending a huge chunk of change. Granted, I got a lot of clothing and accesories for what I spent. I bought some things on sale that will be used next winter.....I got them a bit tighter for that reason. I also bought some things for this summer....since of course last years things are a bit loose on me. I got my first ever 'little black dress' I found a really cool little short capped sleeve bolero style shrug jacket thingy. I bought some high heeled black and white sandals to wear with the dress. I'll be able to wear the dress to work...but also for something more fancy should the need arise. It's pretty flexible that way. I also bought a new jean skirt. I can still wear the ones from last year. They are all too big...but they dont' look badly. That is the great thing about skirts...they seem to hold longer in the losign weight game. BUT, I bought one today ($5) that is a 12....so it is a perfect fit right now. It's a bit shorter than anything that I normally have worn. I was talking to mom...I don't know what my style is. As a 'fat' girl, I bought anything that looked decent on my body. I didn't care about style...I cared about how I looked. I dressed very carefully...trying to mask my weight. I still have to be careful because of my pouchy belly....but I'm experimenting and trying to find me. I know that I wear a heck of lot more pink now. I used to wear NO pink...now I love pink! Go figure. I noticed a difference in the shoes that I bought today. I was more wiling to put on a heeled shoe. And I got the most adorable chunky pink shoes! I would never have gone with a shoe like that! IT just wasn't me! But waht is me?????? I aim to find out!

SOoooooo maybe it was good that I Shopped a bit today. Focused me. It truely is easier to shop as a thin person. First there are more shops to chose from...but the sales seem better also for regular clothes! So now I have some clothes that I can't really even attractively wear until I lose a few more pounds! Focus focus focus!

I want so badly to get the rest of this weight off! I'm vowing here and now that I am going to work my tail end off to get that goal also! First and least important...I'm tired of paying money for weight watchers. BUT, secondly, this sitting on the fence is just wreaking havoc with my emotions. I need to either stop and be happy at this weight and work on maintaining...or I need to just do it. I KNOW I can lose weight. I KNOW...and Ithink that if I gave up and said that 185 was the weight that I was goign to be happy with...would eventually make me feel like a failure...I'm not there yet. I want to get there. And quite honestly, 185 may end up being the weight that my body is the healthiest at. But I have to go lower to make sure! I know that I still have fat on my body...so I seriously doubt aht 185 is the weight for me. BUT, I'm not adverse to dropping down really low...and then having to gain a few pounds back to my optimum weight. But I have to find out for myself what is my optimum weight.

In essence, I guess I have to finish this...so I don't feel like a failure. Even though I've lost 125 pounds..and that's considered a HUGE success for anyone...I still haven't finished what I started. And as I've quoted before.....actually Bob Harper...and I'll paraphrase...." WHy start something you are not goign to finish" :-)

Good days...sunshine

Yesterday morning I was out in the yard by 9 (it was probably closer to 8:30). I ran the chipper shredder for a couple hours. Seems like the third one is working ok. Still doesnt' chip as fantastically as the first one that we had...but it's not bad. :-) After I chipped for a while, I went inside and made tacos for us for lunch. I went ahead and did taht...it was a quick lunch (and I knew my time at dinner would be even more limited). After eating and cleaning up, I went back outside. I switched to painting. I painted until about 4:30/5PM. Got a good bit done. I went inside and cleaned up, ate a banana and headed out to come to the bank to meet my co-workers. We drove together over to the main branch for this meeting we had to attend. We were there for about an hour and half. After I got back to my car...i swung into the ice cream place to get frozen yogurt (fat free) for Todd and I..and headed home. I was BEAT!

I got a good deal of sun yesterday. Last night at my meeting I was a 'rosy pink' tone. This morning though....simply tan. :-) Not good I know, to let youself even get pink. Believe me...that wasn't in my plan. :-) I was just out working and that's what happened.

The worst thing about yesterday.....my back. Eii yii yiii. I've always had some issues with my back. Lower back, being tender when I use it or twist the wrong way...or whatever. It's only gone totally 'out' once. BUT it gets pretty darn close every once in a while. This morning I could barely move. I've worked out most of it...but know that sitting here at work today will aggrevate it. :-) y legs are a bit sore also..b.ut that's just a plain muscles. The legs.....they hurt from climbing up and down the ladder...and standing on tip toe on the ladder trying to reach further...etc etc etc.

Depending on how I feel when i get off tonight, I may paint a bit more this evenign...and then have a late dinner. :-) But, of course I may just take it easy tonight. Ahhhh decisions decisions decisions.

The sucky part. I worked all day yesterday...i should have showed a loss on the scales. Nope...up a pound. I'm not sure.....hoping it may be water. I did drink about a gallon of water yesterday...but I do know that I was so hot...that I was actually thirsty...which is a sign of dehydration...which means I'd be retaining water. BUT, I lost track of time and worked outside later than I had planned....which means that I SNACKED and scrounged for my dinner. SOOOOO either way....I was up. OH well...it will come back off. :-)

That said, today I have eaten responsibly and well. I have my day planned out...my fruits and veggies will be done when i go to bed. All will be good. :-) Water...I'm running behind on my water. But I'm going to work on sucking that up here at work. (speaking of drinks....I just took a break to take a big drink of my water).

Put on a skirt this morning and noticed that it is loose. WOO HOOOO

Wednesday

Well....I'm holding steady.... 183.6 this morning. I'm not worried aboutthe .2 of a pound. I'm just tickled to be holding steady. :-)

Today should be a good day for me.....activity wise. The plan is for me this morning to run the chipper. When I need a break, I'm going to continue painting the house! (white with red trim.........I'm just attacking it 10-20 feet at a time...yeah, it will look crazy half painted...but it will get done eventually). SO I'll be working all day.....at least that's the plan. I do also want to formally get some mileage in today...either a jog or a ride. :-)

Speaking of riding. I need to do a 'trial run' to the bank.....to see exactly how long it takes me to ride my bike to work. This road is more hilly.....and a bit longer ...with no shoulders when compared to the road I took last year. Yeah, it's probably overkill..but I'd just feel more comfortable with biking to work if I had already done a 'test' run. :-)

Since I'm planning on doing a lot of manual labor today...I had an egg sandwich (two slices of low cal/high fiber bread, one egg and one piece of fat free cheese......3 points). I wanted to make sure that I got some protein thsi morning. :-) We are not sure what we are doign for eating today. We may break and go to lunch. HOwever, we may go for an early dinner at like 4. BUT then again...we may eat at home. I do have a mandatory meeting at the main branch for my job....at 6:15. That will be an hour. They are going to have pizza for us. I plan on declining....If I"m going to eat pizza...I want it to be GOOD pizza. :-) And honestly, I'd enjoy it more in the company of my husband. :-) BUT for me to decline, I have to have either already eaten....or know EXACTLY what I'm eating afterwards. It's all in planning.....preparing mentally for the temptation.