It Was A Bust

This week was a total bust!    I made myself promises and vows and I went belly up on all of them!  It was just one of those weeks!

I wrote last week About my upcoming stressful week and boy was I right.  It was stressful.   No, as I wrote this on Friday morning before work let me rephrase that to say it IS stressful.   It was as confusing and messed up as I expected.  There is something horrible about working with someone that expects you to know the most basic of answers and you sit there and have no clue!  It’s a bad bad feeling and it was repeated time and time again this past week!   But it is what it is.  I have survived and I will continue to survive I’m sure.

In the midst of this week I had a job interview for a job promotion within my company.  I feel as if I spoke in riddles and didn’t have one coherent thought during the interview. Hopefully the two interviewers were able to understand my ramblings (or what I feel was ramblings).  If I get the job good...if not it’s ok.  It is a job that I have heard is one of the hardest jobs in our division of the company. It is also the stepping stone...pay your dues position...as I have been told by a few others. So   I’m ok with either outcome of the interview ...but seriously...and interview in the middle of a stressful launch???   But hey...I survived!

What didn’t survive?  My healthy eating goals.   I tracked nothing. I barely drank water.  I ate a lot more carbs then I should have.   I totally bombed on any semblance of trying to lose weight.  

It was so bad that last night I wasn’t hungry.  I knew I wasn’t hungry when started to eat dinner.  But dinner was something I don’t have often and something I love! So I ate it anyway!  And then I laid in bed all last night with a stomach ache!  I ate myself sick!    I haven’t done that in a long time...and I don’t like the feeling.  I won’t even vow to not do it again...because while I don’t plan on it, I know it will most likely happen.  Human nature.   But yeah, that shows how bad my eating has been.  

Right now I am just going to focus on one foot in front of the other.  This journey is hard and I’m struggling!!!

Weigh in

This last week  was a mix of good and bad in terms of weight loss!  I didn’t do horribly but I wasn’t spot on target.   This held true for my eating and exercise.  And admittedly, I was at one point quite nervous about my Friday weigh in!!!

Exercise for weight loss

My exercise was mostly derived from a hike that Jason and I took on the Appalachian trail.  As I mention in the post that I linked, it was a hot hike but it was full of climbing and exercise. It was a good way to start out my weight loss week. I was on track!

Through out the week we were pretty religious about taking our evening walks after work.  We enjoy them because it gives us a chance to talk without the distractions of life (making dinner, straightening the house, tv, phones, etc) but it also affords me a bit of activity.  Working from home has severely limited my activity levels (step count).

One of my monthly goals....(oh heavens , I just realized that I haven’t written a post yet with an update on my monthly goals for last month and this month and it is already the tenth of the month...shucks I better get on that!!).  But one of my Monthly goals is to walk 5k steps a day.  Yes I know that 5k steps is very low!  But I’m struggling to make that!  Even with our walks, I am barely (hahah never) reaching my daily goal on the week days.   I usually make it to 4700 or so.   Just shy!    Luckily, my goal is actually an average of 5k steps.   So long walks and hikes on the weekend help pick up the slack.  BUT....I could be doing better!!!

Eating for Weight Loss

This week was a mix of good and bad.   At the beginning of the week I was not doing well at all!   I was filled with some stress. (Nothing too major, just job worries and worry about what to do with our vacation that is booked at the beach...is it safe to go or should we change our plans?).  Stress causes me to want to run to the kitchen and shovel food in as fast as I can!   And I did that.   At one point I even asked myself the question, ‘do you want to eat this and be fat or do you want to not eat this and be thin?’  At one point I actually said I don’t care if I’m fat...I want to eat this food to feel better!  (Yes that is an addict speaking for sure!)

Midway through the week two things happened.  Number one I saw the number on the scales go really high...like three pounds higher!   And number two, I saw a video  of myself while I was editing the footage of our hike for my YouTube channel.  I didn’t like the huge pudgy stomach that I saw!   Those two things sparked me to get back on track!

Now let me say that I wasn’t way off track.  I wasn’t eating cakes and pies and cookies!  I wasn’t eating ice cream!  I didn’t have anything like that!  But I WAS eating over my food budget that I have set for myself.  I count calories and I KNOW that I have to eat 1200-1300 calories to show a loss.  1500-1700 calories SHOULD be enough for a loss, but not with my body. 1500-1600 calories is maintain and even gain territory for me.  I admit, it makes me sad, but it is what it is.  So for the first part of the week I was eating 1600-1700 calories.  Not good...for me!  

I turned it around and cleaned up my eating on about Tuesday!  But would it be enough to erase the negative affects that my apathy had created on the scales?

Weigh In Time

As I said earlier about mid way through my week I was up about 2-3 pounds!   On Thursday I was starting to feel hopeful that maybe I could pull out a maintain! And on Friday I got the official results.

Drum roll please......

I showed a loss of 0.6 pounds!   Not a huge loss...but a loss!!!.  And it only recouped my 0.6 pound gain from the week before, but I’ll gladly take it!!!!!!!

I am proud of myself for cleaning up my act and turning the ship around.  I could have had a really bad weigh in!  I could have given up!  I could have allowed so many excuses to derail me from losing weight.  Instead, I changed my behavior and I changed the outcome of my weekly weigh in!   It just proves that this journey is still possible for me!!’

Why I eat and do what I do

You know....for months, years in fact, I've been trying to figure out what causes me to eat. Do I eat when triggered by stress? Do I eat when I'm bored? Do I eat when I'm sad? Do I eat when I'm happy? Am I eating because of some childhood trauma or emotional upset? WHY WHY WHY???? I can never pin point any one indicator. Sometimes when I'm bored I eat. When I'm stressed and worried about something I will overeat, not because I'm eating to take away the stress....I overeat because I forget that I'm eating. I lose track of my eating. I'm mindlessly eating. Happy or sad really has no bearing on my eating. Yeah, I like to bake because it's a relaxing soothing happy thing for me to do...but that's the ACT of baking.....not the act of eating. My childhood is rather uneventful and quite happy. My memories from childhood are good ones. So I've pondered....and it always comes back to one thing. I like food. Plain and simple. Food tastes good!

Last night I realized something that I've been skirting with for quite a while. I've even written about it throughout this journal. I realized that there is no reason other than that I like food. Yesterday I tried a new crock pot dish. On paper it sounded delightful....in execution....well it was edible. Todd and I ate the meal, but I can guarantee you that this dish will never again grace our table. As I was eating my meal, my thoughts were rolling, and here they are; "maybe after Todd leaves I can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I just love PB&J's", "Ice cream....I have some ice cream bars in the freezer....they sound so yummy". My mind roamed the kitchen cabinets while I was eating my lackluster dinner and pondered what delicious food I could eat later. And that is when I realized that even while I was eating (lackluster as it may be) I was disappointed because it didn't taste as yummy as I had dreamt it would be...and my mind was looking for something that was yummy.

Now on it's own this is not that much...but a few weeks ago I wrote an entry in which I described a meal where I sat down and had the opposite thing happen. The meal was really good.....I knew it from the first bite and by the second bite I was dreaming about eating a huge second helping....all because it was sooo delicious!

In the midst of these thoughts and discoveries a friend sent me a link to an article about overeating and how some people just have the tendency to see food and just want it. I concurred with it here and here. All of these revelations and self discoveries have been in the last few weeks. So I'm going to stop trying to figure out the why's and the what's? It is simply a love affair with food that I have. I want good food! When it's bad, I dream of good food...and when it's good, I want more! I'm not going to waste any more time in self pondering to decipher if I'm eating to drown out some unknown repressed traumatic memory, or if I'm eating because of this or that. It's not worth my time. I'm fine.....I just like food.

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Thought of the day.......How come the weight comes on so quickly (most recently 2 pounds in one day) but doesn't leave as rapidly (I'm losing about .2 pounds each day for the last two days). That makes no sense at all to me???? And no...on that 2 pound day I did NOT eat like a banshee!!! I was only 3 or 4 points over my daily allotment! (which should be OK as we have those flex points...although darn my body...I can't eat those flex points)

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In other news....last night I ended up with a migraine. I usually don't get migraines....but last night was my 'lucky' night. This morning I'm up and functioning....but my head just still isn't quite right. Hopefully it will be better before I go home.....day three of the 30 day shred awaits me!

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Desi the cat continues to improve. :-)

A synopsis of my downward spiral

You know, I made it through Hershey Park with flying colors. I headed into the weekend strong...and on Saturday I ate foods REALLy high in sodium. My weight jumped. I was like, "I know why" so I wasn't really worried. Then Todd made plans to eat with friends at a CHINESE restaurant on Sunday....MORe sodium. (oh yeah, we worked outside a lot on Saturday and Sunday...hard to stay hydrated ANYWAY). Well...of course Chinese is a food that just doesn't stick to my bones. So even though I had no points left...by 6:30 (we had eaten at like 4) I was STARVING! I ate and ate! Oh, I had a PB&J, some pretzels, a hundred calorie pack, a pudding cup, ohhh and a little bit of ice cream. Oh yeah, and the ick hit the same day! (A week early...what's up with this every three week thing???? I don't like it!) Since Sunday evening I've struggled with eating. I haven't done too badly. I've stayed relatively 'close' to my points. I've had one or two over each day. (yeah, those flex points are supposed to be there for such occaisions...but I don't lose if I eat them...sucks to be me!) So my weight is UP UP UP! I didn't go to my weigh in this week........probably because I would have not been considered 'maintaining'.

This week....STRESS city. On Monday, todd had a front tire blow out on his car. Ended up buying 4 new tires. Then his pump on his coolant in his computer (basically his computer is cooled with antifreeze instead of fans) blew up....there goes another $100 (actually probably more when all said and done). AND last night we went out to work trying to get ready for our 4th of July party (actually it's on the 5th).....SOMETHING crawled under the house (in the crawlspace) and died! We started looking for it at 6AM this morning....and we ended up and had to call in a professional! $100 bucks more to find this HUGE cat and drag it away! What else??????

Eat eat eat our sorrows away

Well...this week has been plain and clear emotional eating. I've been a bit down....and I've eaten my fair shair of food trying to drown my sorrows....and bring up my spirits. Didn't work. Well. I was happy with the abundance of food....but did it really make my world start spinning correctly again? Nope! BUt oh wow....I had cocoa and toast...I haven't had that in AGES. I did eat half the amount that I I previously would have eaten......and I used weight watcher / high fiber-low calorie bread so that saved me some points at least. SO at lesat I did better than I would have in my 'past life'.

Hmmm..that's an interesting concept...my present life...and my past life. That is how I need to think about it. My past life is the attitude of not caring...my present life is me trying to live a more healthy balanced life. The problem...the past life really wants to encroach upon the present life so much. It's so easy to forget myself and slip back into the past life. It's always there...ready and waiting to rear it's ugly head. And the problem....the past life is strong. Once it gets a little grip on me...it's hard to shake. It's terrible.....it's all consuming...and with only one bite it's here and strong. Sometimes it is a clear and concious decision to allow the old me back to the front. However, many times it's on a subconcious level that it happens. It has happend at restaurants when I'm feeling rushed by a waitress...my mind just goes straight to the 'old comfortable standbys'. Sometimes I just eat without thinking. However there are times when I plan in my head..but something takes over and I do the exact opposite! This happened once at a restaurant. Todd and I sat talkign about the bread and how we were glad that the waitress hadn't brought bread. Well...she came and I was like, "Can we have some bread with our meal" WHAT? Where did that come from? Todd sat slack jawed. :-) It just come from somewhere...and I don't know where! So it rears it's ungly head at some of the most unexpected times.

Today, I went shopping. I guess another mis-guided attempt to 'drown my worries and sorrows" . OK, OK, OK, I only went to the mall to get my free pair of underwear from Victoria's Secret. And my $15 off an Angel Bra. BUT, I ended up spending a huge chunk of change. Granted, I got a lot of clothing and accesories for what I spent. I bought some things on sale that will be used next winter.....I got them a bit tighter for that reason. I also bought some things for this summer....since of course last years things are a bit loose on me. I got my first ever 'little black dress' I found a really cool little short capped sleeve bolero style shrug jacket thingy. I bought some high heeled black and white sandals to wear with the dress. I'll be able to wear the dress to work...but also for something more fancy should the need arise. It's pretty flexible that way. I also bought a new jean skirt. I can still wear the ones from last year. They are all too big...but they dont' look badly. That is the great thing about skirts...they seem to hold longer in the losign weight game. BUT, I bought one today ($5) that is a 12....so it is a perfect fit right now. It's a bit shorter than anything that I normally have worn. I was talking to mom...I don't know what my style is. As a 'fat' girl, I bought anything that looked decent on my body. I didn't care about style...I cared about how I looked. I dressed very carefully...trying to mask my weight. I still have to be careful because of my pouchy belly....but I'm experimenting and trying to find me. I know that I wear a heck of lot more pink now. I used to wear NO pink...now I love pink! Go figure. I noticed a difference in the shoes that I bought today. I was more wiling to put on a heeled shoe. And I got the most adorable chunky pink shoes! I would never have gone with a shoe like that! IT just wasn't me! But waht is me?????? I aim to find out!

SOoooooo maybe it was good that I Shopped a bit today. Focused me. It truely is easier to shop as a thin person. First there are more shops to chose from...but the sales seem better also for regular clothes! So now I have some clothes that I can't really even attractively wear until I lose a few more pounds! Focus focus focus!

I want so badly to get the rest of this weight off! I'm vowing here and now that I am going to work my tail end off to get that goal also! First and least important...I'm tired of paying money for weight watchers. BUT, secondly, this sitting on the fence is just wreaking havoc with my emotions. I need to either stop and be happy at this weight and work on maintaining...or I need to just do it. I KNOW I can lose weight. I KNOW...and Ithink that if I gave up and said that 185 was the weight that I was goign to be happy with...would eventually make me feel like a failure...I'm not there yet. I want to get there. And quite honestly, 185 may end up being the weight that my body is the healthiest at. But I have to go lower to make sure! I know that I still have fat on my body...so I seriously doubt aht 185 is the weight for me. BUT, I'm not adverse to dropping down really low...and then having to gain a few pounds back to my optimum weight. But I have to find out for myself what is my optimum weight.

In essence, I guess I have to finish this...so I don't feel like a failure. Even though I've lost 125 pounds..and that's considered a HUGE success for anyone...I still haven't finished what I started. And as I've quoted before.....actually Bob Harper...and I'll paraphrase...." WHy start something you are not goign to finish" :-)

Feeling Blue

Yes, i'm feeling blue. Down in the dumps. Somewhat depressed. Just pain out and out blah! You see....last week i was determined to turn my downward spiral around. I was so strong. I did so good. I dropped two pounds. Then one day, all of a sudden with no warning and no reason, my weight jumped back up those two pounds. I sucked it up and kept chugging along. UNTIL SUNDAY! Da-Da-Da-DUM. Yes, Sunday came...and I lost it. I ate and ate and ate....cake. Cake batter, hot cake from the oven, cake with icing. My normal food intake had started out good, but once I started eating the cake...why the heck should I hold back. For dinner I joined mom and dad at the Craker Barrel and I had a sandwich and applesauce. No, that's not all that bad...but did I have teh points for it? NO! Had I already eaten enough veggies for the day? NO! Should i maybe have gotten the veggie plate? YES! I did however refrain from the biscuits and cornbread. I told her to only bring the one for my dad. Monday....I was planning on eating at home before goign to work....so i wouldn't be tempted to eat the potluck food. DID I? Oh yeah, I had to muffins, a banana and a homemade granola bar (or two). WHat's up with that....and then since I had only had 'a snack'...I ate at work! Sheesh! And then about an hour or two later before it was put away, I had round two! Oh yeah..... Ate a full dinner when I got home also! Not something to be proud of.

SOOOOO this morning I stepped on the scales.....188.something. I can't remember the something. 188!!!! That makes me want to cry. I just can't seem to get myself under control! I am going to my meeting tonight. I'm not weighing in....I'm too depressed to see my official weigh in (plus I already ate my big meal of the day with Todd at lunch, so that will skew my weigh in anyway). I am going to go to the meeting though. I think we are getting ready to start a walking/activity/fitness challenge tonight....and I want to get the particulars on that.

Tomorrow our stuff from Lowes will be delivered. Hopefully the weather will cooperate because we want to work outside all day. If we have to be grounded at the house, we may as well be outside working. We are hoping to work more to clear some more land. I may work on striping the paint on the front porch. Andif the stuff is delivered early...the options of things to do outside is almost endless!