Tenuous Hold

 I should have realized that the 'sadness' that has been prevalent in my life for the last few years was going to return.  I honestly can look back and see that there were signs of the impending doom.  However, it came as a total surprise because it hit during a time when I should be feeling hunky dory for a variety of reasons.

Lets talk about the good first. I had my weekly weigh in yesterday morning.   I was down on the scales.  I was down by another  3 pounds.  That means that in the last three weeks I have dropped 4.2 pounds. Yay me!!!!

 

The end of work last night also signified the beginning of vacation.  I normally don't talk about vacation until it's over because I don't like to announce the fact that my house will be empty while we are away. But this is a staycation with day trips and activities planned for each day, so my house will not be empty and even the day trips will have us departing and arriving home at random hours.  So yeah....vacation has arrived.  Hip Hip Hurray!

So why did I find myself standing in the middle of the kitchen last night a few minutes after arriving home from work crying my eyes out?   Well the official reason  was that I forgot the potato chips! Yes, potato chips.   I had to work until 6:15 and decided that the kitchen was closed for dinner.  so when I left work I dropped an online order for dinner.  Subs.....turkey for me.  Everything went well, I stopped to pick them up and grabbed myself a drink and then went home.  I was taking everything out of the bag when I realized that I had forgotten to grab potato chips.  Queue the tears.   

The potato chips were just the icing on the cake.   It's been a rough week for me.  I've made it no secret that I have struggled with my emotions in the last months and years.  As I sit here and type I think about some of those visits to mom in the last year or so of her life.  There were times where mom just looked at me and knew I wasn't OK.  I tried so hard to hold it together when I was with her, but I would just sit and cry.  Mom was safety....comfort.....love.    I feel like for years I was holding on by the skin of my teeth...even before mom died.....and after her death it was just even worse.    I vowed that the new job would be my new start and I've honestly been doing really good since starting my new job.   

I was confident that I had turned the corner.  I've been sleeping good and honestly just have felt so much lighter emotionally.  This past week the sleepless nights returned.  I honestly thought it was the time change wreaking havoc on my sleep.   I even thought at first that the tears last night over the missing potato chips was due to sleep deprivation, I have always been one that cries when I'm super tired.  (Although I don't feel super tired, I knew that my sleep wasn't that great.)  But as I laid in bed last night at midnight (and 1AM...and 2 AM....etc) I recognized that my issue wasn't a general issue with being on the old time zone because my mind was RACING!  I was so tired and wanted to sleep, but I couldn't turn my mind off.  And that is when I knew that the tenuous hold I had on my peace had slipped.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

  I can't change some things.  I can't bring my my mom back.  I can't erase the period of unemployment.  I can't change most of what causes that heaviness of my soul resulting in my mind racing.  But I CAN focus on the good in my life.  I can remind myself that it could be oh so much worse.  I can focus on the beauty in life.  

So moving forward that is exactly what I will be doing.  Focusing on the beauty of life and focusing on changing that which CAN be changed.    We have plans for our week off and maybe it was my subconscious reminding me to look for the beauty in our world but these last few days I kept thinking and saying to myself "MaryFran, get your camera out and the batteries charged so that you can take your good cameras......dive into photography during your time off".   Photography saved me once before....it forced me to not look at the negative and sadness and instead focus on the beauty in the world.  So this vacation may be a lot about photography amidst our travels.    As for the change.  Yes, I have lost 4.2 pounds in three weeks, but it should be more (especially at my current weight)......my healthy endeavors is something that I can change.  I may not be able to change what the scales say (because those things are fickle!) but I CAN change my efforts!

  

 

 

Finding Balance

 A few weeks ago, I wrote a bit about how I sometimes think that weight loss has overcome my life.  I sometimes feel as if that is my full identity.  I am simply a weight loss person.   I can see how that would happen as I am working on year 18 of posting about my weight loss journey.   But there is more to me than that and I want to really explore those other sides of me a bit more fully. I'm on a quest to find balance in my life.  So buckle up, it's time to explore and get back to the basics.   Ok, that sounded way too dramatic.  It's nothing that crazy, I just decided to purge what isn't working and rediscover what brings me joy and happiness.  In small ways these things have been discussed over these last 17.5 years, so it shouldn't come as a shock.  

Purge and Rediscovery

The quest to purge and rediscover started from two events.  The first was a conversation that I had with my mother.   Mom had a stroke about a year ago, and it has been a really rough ride for her (for all of us).  She is unhappy and miserable with her life.  I was talking to her about happiness and how we have to look for happiness sometimes in our lives.   I was talking to her (which fell on deaf ears unfortunately) but my words came right back around to slap me in the face.   What am I doing in my life to make myself a happier person.  Sure, I'm happy and totally in love, but is there a limit to happiness?  Shouldn't we always be striving for more?  What do I do on a daily basis that makes me happy?   What COULD I be doing to bring about more happiness?

The second thing that set my mind a spinning was all centered around some of my belongings that I have in storage.  When I got divorced back in 2014, my brother allowed me to store some of my belongings in the upstairs of his workshop.  I have gotten some of the stuff over the last few years, but some of the 'odder' things have remained up there.   I have my thin clothes, canning jars and supplies, cookbooks, my medicine bottle collection, and who knows what else. The other week I was up there getting some jars for canning and making plans to get that stuff out of there to free up his space.  Obviously, some of the stuff will be used eventually. (I WILL fit into those clothes again!)   But I have decided to purge a fair amount of the stuff.  It is time to simplify my life. Remove the excess.  Excess only weighs us down and really does not bring us happiness.  There was a time where collecting medicine bottles did bring me happiness, but it doesn't anymore, so it's time to purge and move on.   So, it's a season to purge from my life that which is not necessary or is not bringing me happiness.

Rediscovering Photography

I used to do so much photography.  I loved it.  It was my salvation and outlet during a sad time in my life.  When I was able to move past that sadness, I almost couldn't bear to pick up the camera.  It was almost as if I had poured all of my sadness into the camera through my photography.  For a few years after my divorce, I would try to pick up the camera, but the sadness seemed to hit me every time I touched the camera.  It was easier to walk away and not dabble in photography than to deal with the sadness that came from nowhere. (Seriously, the camera oozed with sadness).   Over the years, I have carried my camera along on vacations and hikes and slowly the camera has become something that is more fun for me.  I think it's time to get back to photography.  My skill level with different settings has all but disappeared.  I'm hoping that it will come back quickly!  But I have been having fun the last few days with my camera!

I have toyed with trying to do a photo a day project, where I take one picture every day.  I did that years ago and actually managed to take a picture a day for two or three years.  I loved the process, but it got dull and boring some days to find something to photograph.  I work from home which makes my world during the week quite small.   I don't want something so restrictive.  I want to take a picture because I enjoy it, not because I NEED to!   So instead, maybe I will just aim to have a collection of good pics each month...no stressing on the number though.  

Reading Like Crazy

I never really lost reading.   I have never been far from a book, even in my darkest moments.  But sometimes in the hustle of life reading gets pushed on the back burner.  I love love love to read!  I always have and I don't want it to get shoved to the back burner.  I have recently decided to write a short review of each book I read.  I'm doing it for a few reasons.  Number one, because it keeps me writing (another thing I enjoy).  But secondly, it will also will give me a document that I can refer to when I can't remember if I read a book and/or what the book was about.  I am posting those on a different site but am toying with pulling them to this site and consolidating everything into one place!  I have been reading like crazy since I started this.  It is a nice way to wrap up the book, in my head at least.  

I just finished reading the book  Doctor Ice Pick which is a sobering read about the doctor who completed thousands of lobotomies across the country.  I've been reading a lot of non fiction lately but feel it may be time for a quick mindless fictional read! 

Simple but Tiring

I was walking through the yard the other day and realized that our mulberries trees are producing ripe berries.  I was not going to let that go to waste!  My father used to make a big deal about picking mulberries and eating them.  I honestly don't recall him taking them home, but it was always a topic of conversation when they were in season and I remember him eating them. So, it was with memories of my father that I took my bowls and containers outside and picked mulberries.  Of course I ate a few while I was out there. But I had grand plans for my berries.   I turned those berries into jelly and syrup!  I have lots of jars preserved!  It is so simple and basic but utterly rewarding.   It was also incredibly tiring.  My body was so tired! Wait, maybe I should say that I have about 30 jars of syrup and about the same amount of jelly.   So it wasn't just a single batch!  It was good honest fun!  And so tasty too!

Weight Loss

I am not forsaking my weight loss roots.  Being healthy is a different form of happiness.  Weight loss is still a big part of my life.  I have been struggling of late.  My weight has been in the same 3-5 pound range.  I know that while I'm not eating horribly that I could be doing a whole lot more. So today I got serious and dusted off my tracker.  Well, I virtually dusted it off.  I started putting my food into myfitnesspal.  I have been woefully lacking in consistency of late.  Tracking for me is the first step.   Baby steps.  I can do this!

Balance

So much of life is simply a balancing act.  Over the years, my focus and attention shifted to one aspect of life; creating an unhealthy balance.  It's time to bring it back into balance and focus on more of what makes me the happiest version of me.  So stay tuned, I will be continuing to share the ups and downs (hopefully more ups) of a weight loss journey.  However, I will also be sharing more of my other side.  My pets, my husband (what he will allow me to share), reading, photography, writing and a little bit of everything else.  

 

Race Report

Friday night I was at home and I was surprisingly lackadaisical about everything.   I was on top of it in terms of my camera and that fun that was planned for my Saturday.  However the night before a run I usually have my clothes laid out.  I usually have my socks and shoes lined up.  I have everything ready.  Not this time.  It was a rather odd feeling

Saturday morning my alarm went off bright and early (5:30...yeah, on a Saturday).  I checked the weather and grabbed some random clothes.  (Hey, I matched....sorta....black capri exercise pants, white long sleeve teeshirt and a teeshirt over that.  Nothing fancy.)  My sister in law had given me a muffin to try.  I saved it for breakfast.  (Yummy).  I loaded up my water jug and I was out the door.  I got there early.   Signed in and went back to my car to wait.  Running a race on your own isn't bad....the only issue is that waiting for it to start.  So I did what I did last year at the Paws on the Pavement..I took my kindle and read in the car. I knew my friend Paula had said that she was going to arrive and register that morning......so I awaited her text.  Eventually it came.  We talked, checked out the bathrooms and headed to the start line.

Ready or not, lets get this race rolling!

I was nervous.  Seriously nervous.  On Monday I couldn't stand up straight and on Saturday I'm running a 5k race?  I vowed to accept whatever happened.  Finishing would be the victory.   However, I admit.....I still wanted my PR that I had been hoping for.

They started us off.  Random thoughts went through my head.  "weeeee....welcome back running."   and "Hmmm....my back is a bit tender."   About a half mile in I looked at Paula and said "my hip's a little achy".  But I kept running.  I ran straight for the first mile.  From that point on I would run for 10 minutes or so and then walk for a minute or two.  I was keeping pace with this one girl in a purple shirt girl. I was DETERMINED to catch up to her..  She was walking and jogging in intervals....and I would run up on her and just as I got to her back...she would start running again.  GRRR  I kept chasing her down though.

I got to about mile three.   Hoooooo-leeee moley!  I was feeling it.  Where?  My back?  Nope, that was a bit tender but not bad.  The hip the same.  I was feeling it in the pit of my stomach and how weird...I was feeling lightheaded.    About this time I passed the purple shirt girl....but she hung on my tail the rest of the way.   I crossed the line.  I crossed the line at 39:37.    1 minute and 17 seconds slower than my best ever pace.  Disappointed...but actually tickled that that is all the time  I lost considering I was running injured!

I slowed down after running across the sensor mats and walked up to one of the guys that was cutting the timing chips off of our shoes.  I stood there while he worked on releasing my timing chip (yeah, I'm a bit anal when I put them on..those suckers are there to STAY).  I honestly just wanted to tell him. "Dude, I have to sit down or I'm going to pass out!"   Thankfully, he was pretty quick about it and I headed out of the finishing corral.  Paula and I grabbed water and that did the trick.

We hung around and talked while we waited for the official times to be posted.  

We decided to hang out and watch the rest of the runners come in.....so we moved to the side of he chute and watched.  We started talking to the purple shirt girl.  YAY...a new friend and running buddy for these runs!   (Turns out she got into running but the people that started running with her stopped running...she still does it though...on her own....information has been exchanged to keep in touch!)

Paula and I decided that we were hungry...so we headed out to Waffle House for a breakfast/lunch.  YUMMY!     

I noticed it when I moved after our meal.  My left hip....YIKES!  OUCH!  I just want to groan and say "not another injury".  I'm sure it's probably just a strain or whatnot..but it stiffens up and hurts when I move after a period of inactivity.  Sleeping last night....everytime I moved I was aware of it.  NO FUN!

I got home...walked in the door.  I went to the bathroom and then I got the call that my side hobby client was ready!  WEEEEEEE   I grabbed my camera bag and headed out the door.  

Finally home for good at 2 or 3 PM.  I had a friend stop by later in the evening.  But the rest of the day was spent with laundry, light cleaning and whatnot. (And I started looking at the pictures....these are pretty much SOOC  (straight out of the camera..no editing).   

Busy day. A victory splashed with a little bit of pain and sprinkled with a lot of fun!  :-)

 

Guilty as charged

I had full intentions of getting up today and using my late start Thursday to accomplish a few things.  I was going to run first, around 8 or so.    I was going to go home and rest a bit and then head out on my bike.  Back home by 11 and showered and out the door to work by 11:44.   I had my plans.  Seriously, I did!

However, what really transpired was something much different.  I woke up early.  Todd asked if I wanted to watch a tv show that we had recorded.  I said yes, it was afterall 6AM.  I could watch the show and STILL have time to do everything.  I flipped on my computer and started to edit pictures from the wedding that I photographed on Saturday.  I have only halfway edited and processed the tons of pictures.   I started editing.  Todd and I finished our show and Todd headed out the door.  I was enmeshed in my work.  Time passed.  I did briefly think about going out for a ride, but by that time I could see the end in sight.  I chose to finish the pictures and get it off my plate.   I worked right up until I left for work. (all I have to do is burn the disk for the bride and groom and also a disk for the lady that arranged the flowers as she and I had talked and I had offered her some pictures with her flowers).  

A conscious decision was made.  Was it a bad decision?  Maybe.  Was it a good decision?   Maybe.  I am walking with Sherry tonight so I will get some activity in. (If I don’t walk with her, I will go out for a short run).    I feel like I made an excuse to not exercise.  Realistically, I know that while I spent a few hours on Sunday that since then I’ve only been able to spend a few minutes here and there with the pictures and that they were not going to get done if I didn’t devote some serious time to them.    

I need to remember that this is a journey of making exercise fit into my life.   It means that when I have other obligations that I adjust to make them work and to STOP FEELING GUILTY!  Ok, I feel guilty because I haven’t been on my bike at all this month…and only two runs….yikes…BINGO…there is where the guilt is occurring.  But I’m back on track.  I ran on Monday, Zumba’d on Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m walking tonight. I’m doing ok.  No guilt!  (if I say it to myself enough times maybe I’ll actually start believing it!)

I'll leave you with a few of my favorite pictures from the wedding.

Weekend report and weigh in results

My weekend was chock full of activity and craziness.  My weekend really didn't start working until noon on Saturday when I got off of work.  I rushed home and made a nutritious lunch for Todd and I and then we headed out with our bikes on top of the car safely ensconced in my car bike rack.  We decided to head about 30 minutes west of us to do our ride on the C&O canal.  We headed out.  I had a delightful ride.  It is after all only one of my first rides of the season, so my butt was SOOOO sore, as soon as I sat on the saddle it hurt.  I pushed through it though (and encouraged Todd to push through his issues).  Overall though, I was happy as a lark.  I may or may not have been an obnoxious riding partner at times with my singing.  I was just so happy to be out there that songs burst forth....although I did try to curb it back to humming when I realized what I was doing.  It was a great ride!  We spent the rest of the afternoon visiting with family, getting groceries and having and early dinner.

A view on my run

We got home and rushed around the house. I had already expressed my plans to Todd while we had dinner and he was on board so we rushed the groceries into the house and quickly put away the cold stuff (it was a small trip so it didn't take long) and then we headed out.   He ended up at the studio where he did  bit of work for the 45 minutes that I would be running on the battlefield. (His studio is technically part of the battlefield, but right next to government land.)   I started out my run.  I could tell that I was just totally void of energy.  The bike ride had sapped the jump and pep in my legs.  I was determined however to keep going.  For the first mile or so my only thought was just to FINISH.  This was the last 2.5 miler that I would be running, the next week I would swing into 3 mile runs....building myself up.  I got to about 1.75 miles in and I glanced at my gps/counter/clocky thingy app on my phone and I got this hair brained idea in my head that I could finish it in 30 minutes. (That would be a three quarters of a mile in 4 minutes.....which is actually insane for me as my average pace has been about a 14.5 minute mile).  I started full out running...the likes of something this old body hasn't seen since I was probably 10 years old (I was being generous, I actually wanted to type 5...but I wasn't overweight until about 10 or 12 so I figured go higher).    I was flying (for me).  I could feel my body jiggling and shaking from movement.  I mean face it....I have fat on my body and it was doing the santa thing, a bowl full of jelly.  It felt really odd...not the comfortable feeling that I've fallen into with my normal pace (and yes, that pace has become 'normal and comfortable')  but surprisingly it wasn't bad.  I glanced down at my phone....oh my word I was running at a 10:30 pace.  Me????????  I kept it up for about a quarter of  mile.  I then dropped back to the comfortable pace.  I ran comfortably for another quarter of  mile and then I picked up the pace again for the last quarter of  mile.  I walked back to the studio after my 2.5 miles were complete and finally looked at my stats.....I literally shaved a minute off my best average pace.....on a day where my legs felt heavy and I feared I couldn't go on!

Sunday morning I woke up and weighed myself.   228.7    That is a weekly loss of 2.9!!!   For this year I can now say I've lost    25.5  pounds!   And if that isn't enough, from my highest weight I have lost 87.7 pounds!!!

I didn't have much time to gloat and celebrate yesterday.  I headed out. I literally just grabbed a cheese stick as I ran out the door.  I had a bit of traveling to do.  I headed 45 minutes north where I had the pleasure of working with a fun fun couple.  We were doing pictures for their wedding invitations.   We travelled around to some fun locations and actually had a lot of fun. LOTS of walking and squatting was done by me!



When I left there, I headed straight to my parents house where I hooked up with them to go to my youngest nephews soccer game.  I was able to eat a half peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some mandarin oranges before we headed out to the game. There is nothing cuter than 6 year old kids playing a game.....half clueless and just fun to watch.  And of course my nephew is such a cutie that I cant help but smile! And yes, the coach behind him in the picture helping is my brother.



After the soccer game my whole family (minus Todd, he was working) headed out for pizza with some friends.  I ate three slices of a margherita pizza.  It was tasty!  Not exactly a healthy day, but I realize what I did wrong (I should have packed my breakfast and lunch the night before....and pizza will never be totally eradicated from my life....I would be miserable so I will figure out how to work it in)  I bid adieu to everyone at the restaurant and headed home.  I knew that I had hundreds of pictures to go through...editing and converting them to jpegs.  I worked until about midnight doing the first edit and conversion.  I did eat a skinny cow strawberry shortcake ice cream sandwich while I worked. (and no, I was under my calorie count for the day)  Tasty! 

Busy weekend.  My house is a wreck.  I have baskets of clean laundry sitting on the kitchen table that needs to be folded. I have some food that needs to be prepped for this week. TONS of pictures still need edited.  So much undone! I of course return to work this morning.  I'm running behind...but I'm happy.

I'm not running this morning, and instead I'm going to try to get some stuff done here at the house so I'm not running behind all week.  I'm not worried about delaying my run though....I will still get exercise today, tonight is zumba sentao!