How quickly the mind forgets

I headed out this morning to really test out my foot.  Yes, I still have aches in my heel.  I am accepting that I have plantars fasciitis and that means that I will have to learn how to deal with that.  It's a thing of learning to manage I do believe.  SO I'm learning to manage.  I also know that getting the weight off of my body will help the issue!

So I headed out.  I was in my new bright blue shoes.  (ahhh how cool, the shoes match my current KT tape  (which you can't see in this picture).  Not for long...I'm switching to PINK tape after the blue is gone!     I woke up and started to get ready.  It was exactly 5 weeks to the morning since I last ran.  Wow....I was out of practice.  I used to get ready in a few minutes.  Today I was running in circles.  I got dressed then remembered my HRM.  I got that on and then taped my foot (that was my first priority) and headed to the kitchen.  I then remembered the need for my ipod.  I got that and was ready to head out and realized that...DUH, I need headphones.  Yeah, it was NUTS.   Finally I was out and in the car.    I was halfway to where I planned to run and I whacked myself in the forehead....DUH, I forgot my hat!   The hat is important for two reasons.  One, it keeps the sweat somewhat under control as it holds the sweat (yeah, my hats all have sweat stains on them...what of it?).  Secondly, my hair is shorter on top and the hat keeps my hair loosely under control.   Shortly after that discovery I figured out that I didn't have sunglasses either.  OH well......such is life. 


I started running.  I felt pretty good.  I ran for 2.57 miles.  It wasn't fast by any rate.  The five weeks off slowed me down a bit (however, in fairness I wasn't trying to run for speed, I was running just to test the waters).  I felt good.  I probably could have gone further, but I didn't want to push it.   I figured go shorter and see how my body reacts.  Yes, that is me after my run...really bad picture..but you can see the sun behind me (I was running toward the sun of course for part of it) so thus the need for the sunglasses...you can also see my out of control hair!  GRRR


So I was so discombobulated with my preparations that I made another error.....Yeah, what do you notice wrong with the picture to the right?????  Let me give you a hint...the picture was taken AFTER my run.  Yes, by golly.....I forgot to turn on my HRM when I started to run.  DUH.  Ok ok ok, so 5 weeks off threw me off my stride.  I've got this.  My planning and ease will come back!


I have had a goal of 150 miles in the month of July.  I am now about 3 miles from completing that goal.  My plan is to go out tonight on my bike to finish off that challenge.  And yes, I'm setting the challenge again in August.  Only I'm aiming for 200 miles!  :-) 

Soo, I officially had my weigh in this week...and I'm up for 1 pound in the month of July.  Yeah, my weigh in this week was NOT pretty.  I will say that I had chinese and mexican and I've been drinking a LOT of diet soda...so my body has been overloaded on sodium....but you know what...that's excuses.  I also ate not the greatest!   No looking back....looking forward to being back on my game!

The affect of our words

July.....wow, what a month. (and yes I am fully cognizant of the fact that it's not over yet).  At the very beginning of July I was officially diagnosed with Plantars Fasciitis and of  a little lessor of  concern Tarsal Tunnel.  I was told to limit my activities that were high impact.  That was followed up with a bout with the flu/food poisoning (the jury is out about which I had...all I know is that I was absolutely miserable!), on the heels of  that was dealt a huge emotional blow that has left me reeling.  (feel free to imagine and conjure up a story...tame or off the hook spicy...it's all good....imagination is a good thing  ha ha ha).  It's wreaked havoc on my exercise. Seriously, an injury/ache that limited my exercise, the flu that wiped me out and emotions that made me feel like I wasn't worthy of the time needed to invest in this process and new lifestyle.  What a bad combination.  July honestly would have been a TOTAL bust for me weight loss wise (that's assuming I don't gain for this last weigh in that will occur early next week) if it weren't for the fact that I had the flu and I puked some weight off of my body.

Exercise was wonky and lets face it...I'm a food addict.   Did I mention that there have been a lot of emotions involved in the last month?   Well there was.  I barely controlled my eating..there were a few stellar days of eating.  There were a few crazy days of eating.  There were a lot of borderline days of eating.


I went out riding today.  I procrastinated for quite some time this morning.  I was reading blogs and playing around on my computer.  Finally I pushed my computer aside and said, "no more until you go riding."   So I pushed myself out.  Oh yeah, my mind was screaming all sorts of excuses at me...but I ignored them!   I not only went for a ride....I pushed myself for an extra few hellish hilly miles.  OK ok ok, I have to admit it.  My rule is to only unclip and put my feet down if I have to at crossroads/stop signs.  Other than my little problem on the ride with my brother I have been able to hold onto that 'rule' .  Until today.  Yeah, I was on my 'new section' that was hilly.  VERY hilly.  I could see the tail end...the last stop sign before I got back to more familiar territory .  I was struggling up the last hill...out of the saddle...in the saddle..it didn't make a difference....my legs were SHOT at that point.  I went slower and slower, struggling.  I went so slow that I started to go over.   Go over as in FALL DOWN.   Yes, I was of course clipped in.  I saw my life flash before my eyes as I tilted over.  For a split second I thought that I was going to have a date with the pavement.  Somehow instinct took over and I kicked my heel outward, popping me out of the clip and at one of the last possible minutes put my foot on the ground and caught myself.   I rested a few minutes and I'm embarrassed to say that I walked the last 10 feet up the feel (yeah, I was THAT close and I have NEVER walked up a hill...so I ruined THAT perfect record)  Regardless, my ride was done and I DID get back on the bike and went the last 5 miles to get myself home.  :-)

Today as I was slogging up the biggest hill I encountered a motorcycle with two riders came up behind me.  I vaguely knew they were there (hello, you can hear them coming).  They were out cruising and enjoying the historic views surrounding my town.  They slowed down beside me and the woman on the back looked at me and yelled. "This is one hell of a hill, you are doing GREAT!"  They both gave me thumbs up and went on their way.   I had been riding out of my saddle...which is the most difficult thing for me right now, I don't do it too much and it....well I haven't mastered it...it HURTS and my breathing gets out of whack.  SO I was out of my saddle struggling up this hill and their words helped me get to the top.  I don't know who they are...but they meant so much to me today (too bad they weren't there a mile or so later when I was struggling up the hill that undid me...haa haa haa)    Seriously, those words from a stranger meant sooo much to me.

Early this year when I was spending hours out on the battlefield pushing through the C25K training I frequently say a man.  He drove a white truck with West Virginia tags and has a very short fat poodle (seriously, this dog is as wide as she is tall).  I was doing intervals so I was walking a lot of the time and got a chance to stop and pet the dog.  This man NEVER failed to talk to me.   Then I hit the  big wall that you hit during that C25K training..that first 20 minute straight run was a rough one.  I was doing it and pushing through the last few minutes, determined to finish it no matter what.  This man walked by me and said "I've been watching you the last weeks.  You are doing it and it makes me proud and happy to watch your transformation".  I said thanks and didn't even stop to pet the pup because I HAD to finish that straight run to prove it to myself.   I saw him numerous times after that.  We always said hi and I always gave his doggy some attention.   I need to thank him for his words.......they meant so much.  (Unfortunately, after I made the decision to thank him...I've not run into him!)

So compliment people.......encourage people........it has a PROFOUND affect!

PS  I WILL conquer that hill very SOON!!

Jack of all Trades, Master of None

In my personal life I have taken on that roll.  I love so many crafts.  I love to quilt, so I will start quilting. I’m in my glory and gung ho to quilt forever.  I make plans and forge full steam ahead.  But then a few days….or a few weeks…..or maybe even a few months later and I get bored with quilting and something else catches my eye. Cross stitch!  Yes, I LOVE cross stitching.  So I immerse myself in that for a few hours, days …….   Until I get bored or until something else catches my eye….oh my word, Scrapbooking.  So much Fun! There are so many things….and eventually I do come around full cycle and pick up the quilting again, or pick up the cross stitch or crochet.  However,   I flit from hobby to hobby.  It could be a lack of attention span. (ha ha ha)    Because of this, I call myself a Jack of All Trades, Master of None.  I don’t really ‘master’ anything.  I dabble with lots.  I have a very good working knowledge of a lot of different things. I’m a true renaissance woman!  Sometimes that bothers me, it would be awesome to excel at one thing versus being good at a lot.  But that’s how I roll.  I can’t change my nature, my personality nor who I am. 

 

Earlier this year, I started to really pour myself into exercise.  I was riding, running, zumba-ing, playing tennis with my husband (or at least doing something that WE called playing tennis), walking with a friend.  I was doing so much and I was loving every second of it. (cue the grim reaper music) Then I had the dreaded foot issue crop up in late June.  I was advised of a few options for exercise.  The main options on the table were to use an elliptical, ride a bike or go swimming.   Swimming was off the table as a regular thing as you need access to a pool…and in fact I’ve not been able to swim at all.  I had grand plans to get to the gym to use the elliptical, but that didn’t happen either.  I did however get on my bike.  And I struggled to maintain any continuity with biking.  (granted, I had some blows during that time…in the form of hurling my guts up one week….some emotional issues another….but still).  I was perplexed.  I had been exercising religiously and all of a sudden it became a struggle.  I couldn’t understand it.

 

This week it clicked.  I went back to zumba on Wednesday night.  My foot did fine.  There were a few times in the choreography that my foot shot pain, but mostly it was a dull ache….so anytime those steps came up, I just marched in place.  I pushed it further and tried to run on Thursday night.  I was absolutely giddy with excitement when I was heading out.   The foot is giving me a bit of grief today and the jury is out if I’ll be able to restart running on a regular basis….but I learned a lesson about myself.  While I get bored and like variety in my crafts and hobbies……I am the same way with my exercise.  Variety is the key to my success.  I LOVE mybike.  I love the wind in my face and the sound of the wheels on the pavement (or if I’m on my trek the sound of the wheels crunching the pebbles on the canal). I enjoy it.   But doing it every day with no other variety added in doesn’t work for me.  Because you see, I love running. I love the feeling of pushing myself and the little sweat rivulets that run down my back and the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement, the slow moving scenery and the way my mind works when I run. (it does take a totally different path then when I’m biking…both are good….just different for some reason).  Zumba is immensely fun…maybe no longer as high intensity as I need, but still just fun and still a good workout.  It’s a social hour for me.  It’s a place where I can get my sweat on but also interact with people.   It is exercise, but totally different for me.   Tennis…same thing, good but different.  That is husband time….it’s still moving and active.  I still work up a sweat (I don’t enjoy that sweat as much as I really do love the running sweat) but it’s time to spend with my husband.  Walking. My walks with Sherry are Sacred.  Don’t mess with our walk!   Variety.  I would still treasure my walks with sherry, but if I only walked every day, I would quickly grow bored.  If I played tennis everyday I would quickly grow bored. One activity does not work for me.   I in fact admire people that can do the same thing day in and day out….but that’s just not something I can do….and I just realized that it is not only in crafts…but it’s in my exercise…I need variety!

 

On that same note.  I may always be a jack of all trades with some of these crafts. I’m ok with that. It’s good to dabble in and know a bit about a lot.  But I’m not going to be a jack of all trades with my exercise.  I am mastering the road bike.  My body doesn’t ache on a regular basis (for days afterward too) when I ride. Yeah, I have days where I feel a little stiffness or whatnot, but not the God awful aches that I had when I first started.   I still am not very fast and hills still are excruciating….but I’m getting better and I WILL master it!  Running.  I was running about a 11 ½ to12 minute mile when I was injured.  That was still slower than where I wanted to be but it was miles faster then where I was in January.  I will figure out this foot thing and I will get back to running and I will conquer!  

 

Hmmm…maybe I really SHOULD think more seriously about a multi-disciplinarian sport such as a…..wait for it……..a triathlon…….

 

 

So today…my heel aches a bit…I was going to leave it un-taped today (for a break) but I was walking and it was aching quite a bit so I decided to tape it to give that extra support.  It really does seem to ease it up.   Someone asked me in my messages what is this KT tape.  It is an athletic tape that is super sticky…and super stretching.  When applied correctly (different applications for different muscles and tendons) it relieves the pressure of movement and stress upon those muscles and tendons.  I usually forget it’s on my foot (unlike braces and wraps that start to annoy, itch and dig into me and cause me to feel like that part of my body is a furnace after a few hours).  It is touted to be something that stays on for a few days.  I’ve found that I have to replace it within 24 hours…..but in fairness, that could be due to the fact that it is on my foot…so it’s getting more use, friction and wear and tear versus a shoulder or a knee.  I have been able to wear the sleeping foot thing at night even with my foot taped.  It really is a cool product.  Is it the placebo affect?   Who knows….but I really do sincerely believe it helps. 

 

So I bought new running shoes and used them yesterday (they are spiffy looking too) and they rubbed a blister.  GRRRRR  Hoepfully it’s just a ‘break them in’ issue!

Love should not equal food

I show love with food.  I have found myself doing this numerous times. When we want to celebrate, we go out to eat.  When we are sad, we go out to eat.   When we are upset….tired….wired….you name it.  When I want to do something nice for my husband I make him his favorite muffins or desserts. I show and accept love and food is the most common medium.   It is a learned behavior.  I remember as a child eating an M&M as a reward when I got my practice spelling words right.  I can’t rightly say that this is something that my parents did…but I’m sure I learned the behavior somewhere.   We always soothed and celebrated with food. That’s the way we were. My grandmother always had favorite soups on the stove when we showed up for vacations. My mom always made my brothers favorite cake and bought his favorite tasty cakes when they would visit.   It’s love. Plain and simple, love.

 

So Todd and I have been in a rough patch.  We are valiantly working on things and trying to get back to a good place.  My first thought was to go back to what worked for us way back when.    What worked for us?   Our relationship was centered around food.  We ate…..a lot!  We ate well and we ate often.  Now I’m not saying that we don’t eat.  I’m not saying that we don’t eat some scrumptious food.  I’m just saying that we’ve tried to take the focus away from food.  So as I’ve tried to put us back to a better place, it’s been my first inclination to show love with food.  I have been maintaining…but it’s a struggle because I’m wanting to medicate myself with food and at the same time I’m wanting to show love and recreate our love with food.   A nightmare!

Got to stop this trend!!!

Stuck between

I am in a weird place.  I want to lose weight so badly that I can taste it.  I dream about it.  I get excited about it.  I WANT this.  UP until a month or two ago, I was working my BUTT off to reach that goal.  Then My foot started to hurt.  I eased off. (more on that later).  I was advised by the doctor that I could ride, use the elliptical and swim.  SO I started back up and was struggling to get my momentum again. Then I got sick.  Bam, the momentum got sliced in half again.  I’m well again…and I’m trying to get back into it again.  The problem…..right after I got ‘well’  I was hit with an emotional windstorm that has knocked the wind right out of my sails. 

 

This morning I was out on my bike riding.  I was crying as I rode along.  I’m sure passing motorists were wondering what in the world to do about the girl that was pedaling down the road at warp speed…well warp speed for me….with tears streaming down her cheeks. The ride cleansed that from me….or at least gave me the outlet for the emotions.  After the emotions had washed away, at least temporarily I was able to look at my weight loss efforts realistically and with an open mind.

 

So what did I discover?  When I’m losing weight my SOLE focus is on the weight loss efforts.   My focus in the last week or two has been divided.  I am overwhelmed by everything going on in my head and that is taking the focus from my weight loss.  I need to bring the focus back to where it needs to be. Easier said than done….but I’m going to try.  

 

 

The foot……well as I said in previous posts,  I saw the doctor.  I did everything he said to do. However, it’s not really getting better.  Well, let me take that back.  The bad pain has eased up, but the foot still hurts.  And hurts worse when I do something where I’m on my feet a lot.   GRRR.   I’m trying the KT tape.  I’ve heard really good things about it.  It’s a brilliant blue (that’s what the store had….I am personally a red girl….so I would have preferred red!  Maybe next time.)   It seems to be helping to ease up the ache.  We shall see. I’m about ready to pack it in and just start going to zumba (I miss my zumba peeps) and start running (I have a 5k that I’m registered for in less than three weeks!) and just ….oh well, you know what I mean!

 

 

Holding on

Took a sneak peak at the scales today and I was happy with what I saw.  I DO need to tighten up on the ice cream in the evening though.  NO MORE ICE CREAM!   Ok, maybe I should just say "cut down the portion of your ice cream"   ha ha ha. 

I've been getting out on my bike in the mornings and it's going well.  My body feels the workout but my body doesn't ache from the unfamiliarity of the road bike.  Today I did have a bit of a stiff kneck/upper back.  Who knows.  Did I mention that it's hotter than Hades outside?   Yeah, really hot.  Did I mention that I was out riding in it?   Oh yeah, I guess I did.  Like I said, I've been trying to get out early before the sun is bearing down full on my head. 

One foot in front of the other.......but I will say this.....if I can maintain my current weight through to my official weigh in on Monday morning I'll be buying a charm.   :-)

Sweaty but happy

Well, today I got back on the bike.  No excuses.  I've done light 20 minute token activity (I won't even call it exercise) the last few days but knew that it wasn't cutting it.  I needed to get back out and sweat.  I needed it for a number of reasons.   I've been shaken to my core again by some things happening and I've been trying to work through them.  I've been fighting the urge to eat food to drown my sadness.  I know that exercise clears my mind and helps me stay away from food. So it was SUPER important that I get out and REALLY exercise.  I needed it.  Plus, I'm not going to get into onederland easily if I don't exercise. (possible to do it without exercise, but it will take a super strict diet...and that's not what I'm aiming for...I"m aiming to LIVE). 

Yesterday I talked about getting the ball rolling.  I got it rolling...literally today with my bike ride.  I just went 10 miles but it felt good.  I was doing something for ME again.  I was recommitting to this process.   I'm roughly 30 pounds away from my 'high end' (doctor recommended high end) goal.  (yes, I think I'm cutting myself short by saying that I want to stop at 180 pounds...I'm 5'8"....I'm going to lose down to where I need to be.....at least see how I look when I'm in the proper weight range for my BMI....which for me is 164 or less....if I'm doing this, I"m going to do it RIGHT!)  So I exercised this morning, food is all accounted for and planned out for the day.  There is a planned walk with Todd tonight....just a mile , maybe two.  We will see how my foot handles it. Heading to the shower now.  I'm sweaty after my ride, but I'm happy with myself for doing it!

As a little post script....my weigh has held me back from so much my whole life.  I don't want that to be the case anymore....so I'm pondering doing something crazy crazy crazy for my weight loss celebration maybe my onederland...maybe my goal weight celebration.  I don't know.   Sky diving.  The thought has been floating around in my head.  Yeah, I know my mom will have a conniption. (maybe I can talk my brother into doing it with me....may as well cause her to totally lose her marbles!.....ha ha ha)   I don't' know where the sky diving thing came from .  Just the other day I said to my self "Self, wouldn't it be cool to jump from a plane?"    Not saying it's going to happen.  But I'm kinda chewing this idea around in my head.

Start the wheels turning again

Momentum.  I had momentum.  I was gung ho to get this weight off.  I had the momentum of a really good exercise routine on my side.  I had the ball rolling in the right direction and life was going great.

 

Then I hit a speed bump.   The first speed bump was the pain in my foot. I continued on for a day or two after the pain began, but eventually stopped until I found out what was happening.   My  momentum was altered.  I went to the doctor and decided that for the sake of healing that I would use the elliptical and ride my bike as my forms of exercise.  I started to rebuild my momentum.  I was rolling along (literally hahaha).   And then out of the blue I got hit with another speed bump. The second speed bump was in the form of being sick.   It knocked me out of commission and it took me a while to get back on my feet.  

 

I was well enough to ride this past weekend.  However, my momentum is gone.  I didn’t ride.  I didn’t make it to the gym to use the elliptical.  I didn’t…I didn’t….I didn’t.  BAD, I know!   I swore that I would get up and ride early this morning.  Did I?   NO.   Not good. 

 

When the ball is rolling it’s a great thing. The momentum carries you along even when you aren’t feeling it.  But when that momentum comes to a grinding halt it takes a whole bunch to get it moving again.   I’m pushing my shoulder against that big boulder right now trying to get it moving.   I NEED to get it moving for a few reasons.  Number one, exercise is healthy and will help me with my weight loss efforts.  Secondly, I need it for my emotional well being.  Exercise has been a stress reliever….it has a calming effect on my emotions.  I NEED that right now.

Sniff sniff sniff

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.   My appetite has been in the toilet ever since I got sick (ha ha ha, I guess pun intended...in the toilet...ha ha ha).  I am hungry but jut haven't been able to eat much.  Until today.   I am absolutely famished today.   I'm working to try to contain my levels of food intake, but seriously....I'm hungry! 

The scales have been kind to me.  I'm hoping that I can hold on to the weight that I've been showing for the last 4 days.  If I can, I will have recouped all my weight gain from last week and then added onto it.  That would be SPLENDID!   I've been consistently weighing at 210.   That would be better than splendid.   That would put me within spitting distance of onederland.  Holy cow!

I've been really lax about my workouts this week.  Oh wait, that's mainly because I was sick...and then up even through Friday I just felt wiped out and worn out.  Yesterday was the first day I felt remotely normal.    I got a short burst of light exercise in this morning and I've  worked around the house.  My plan is to get rolling tomorrow.  Nothings going to stop me now...I can smell the one hundreds and it smells mighty fine!

Gift horse

I was rather bummed out about the fact that over the weekend that I showed 5 pounds up.  Yeah, literally 5 pounds in two days.  I didn't eat 5 pounds worth of food.  SO I was reasonably sure that it was mostly water weight as I KNOW that I was somewhat dehydrated on Saturday and Sunday I was outside all day in some pretty extreme heat.  I was drinking diet soda all weekend (which usually drives my weight up...water weight, I guess because of the sodium).   Regardless, I was bummed.

On Monday night I got home and went right to bed.  I was up a few hours later with terrible pains in my stomach and lets just say that I dropped all of those added pounds and then some within the next few hours.  Not the way I wanted to lose weight, but I'll take it!  Seriously, I'm not going to turn any weight loss aside!  In the future though, I'd like to stick to the good old fashioned watching what I eat and exercising like a mad woman to drop pounds!!!

I hope to be back on my bike very soon.  There is no way I could have even attempted it today. (I could barely make it through washing dishes for 10 minutes).  I probably will give myself tomorrow also and see how I handle a 'normal' day.  Right now I'm projecting to be back out by Friday!   On Monday I was planning that Tuesday I was going to add miles and more hills to my ride....I may not do that on Friday but it is COMING.

The other awesome side affect of my sickness. For the last two days I've pretty much laid flat on my back.  I've not walked and this forced inactivity has given my heel issues some time to settle down.  I noticed today that my heel didn't bother me at all.  Dare I hope......

Spiraling

It caught up with me.  Ok, maybe not totally. I’m reasonably sure that some of my ‘official weigh in’ results is the fact that it was stinkin’ hot this weekend.  I spent hours outside and as such I ended up drinking a lot of drinks that are higher sodium (which I know causes my weight to spike).  But I’m not going to lie.  I have not been eating right for the last few weeks.  

 

No excuses.  I have done this to myself.  I’ve been skirting on the edge.  I’ve not been horribly bad but I’ve allowed too many carbohydrates to creep into my life and maybe even a snack or two also.   That alone would be ok.  It would be a maintain (and it is what I was doing for a week or two).  But then add in that I went a week or so without exercise while I tried to figure out what was up with the foot and you have a bad combination.   I seriously make better choices when I’m exercising regularly.  (and the exercise gives me a little leeway to not have to be so ‘perfect.) 

 

I don’t have grand plans.  I am only saying that I’m going to focus on keeping my calories (and nutrients…because just eating the proper amount of calories isn’t enough, it has to be PROPER nutrients for MY body).  I’m going to focus on getting at least an hour (or right about an hour) of exercise each day.  I’m going to recommit to this process. 

 

I rode this morning.   Had a nice ride and was happy with how I feel on my ride.  The upper body doesn’t cry out in freakish misery anymore.  I’m not going to say that my arms are not a bit achy when I ride, but it’s not an ache that lasts for the next two days.  So I KNOW I’m improving.   (I almost went down today…..the park service was putting the battlefield back into shape after the fourth of July celebration so the park maintenance guys were there and also some prison inmates were working.  I came to a stop at a major road and went to put my right foot down and found myself leaning to the left.  I jerked myself to the right and didn’t go down…thank heavens…I didn’t need to do a swan dive in front of the prison inmates.)

 

I am contemplating going to the gym tonightfor a little time on the elliptical.  We shall see. Right now I’m fighting the eyelids that are drooping with sleep.

Quasi Nap Time

My mind has been uninspired of late in terms of my weight loss.  Some weeks I just have thoughts that pour forth and other weeks it’s like an arid desert….nothing there.  Ironically enough, this lack of deep thoughts (hey, they may be deep for me) usually coincides with a downward spiral in my weight loss efforts.  I know for this past week this holds true.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I was not off the charts bad with my eating.  But I have to admit that there were two days that I ate quite a few calories. (Stop worrying, quite a few is about 1800 calories….so that is still nothing outrageous…and honestly is more of a ‘maintain’ level of caloric intake.).   However, I know that while my body can handle a few days of that type of eating without showing any negative effects I know that my mind gets twisted around and messed up when I eat like that.  You see, it is so easy to start the downward spiral and all it takes is a day or two of being off track and all the old habits start to resurface.

 

I’ve been lucky in that this past week I’ve maintained my weight.  I’m ok with that…ecstatic actually.  But I know that I need to tighten back up if I want to lose again. 

 

I have been trying to ride.  I rode with my brother on the Fourth of July.  I was quite apprehensive about the ride.  Seriously? Looking at it now, I wonder why.  It’s not like my brother hasn’t always done what he can to take care of me. (Yeah, I’ve got a good….no the best, brother, and I’m not saying it because he reads this blog, I’m saying it because it’s true!)  I intrinsically knew that my brother would not have pushed me further than I could handle or leave me in the dust or laugh at my efforts.  He’s not that type of brother (well, he does laugh when I do something stupid…..but that’s his brotherly right).  So why was I afraid?   Dang, now I’m back to these irrational fears that I have.   What better way than to own up to those fears and lay it to rest.  So out riding with my brother I went.  I was nervous about the hills, I won’t lie.  I also won’t sugar coat it.  After one hill, about 5 miles in I needed a drink.  I stopped.  The world started spinning so I got off the bike and laid down beside the road for a few minutes.  I got back up and rode after a few minutes.  I THINK I was just hot because I’m not used to biking in the afternoons…in heat.  I usually ride in the early morning when it’s relatively cool.  It also could have been that I psyched myself out with this irrational fear.  Either way, I rested for a few minutes and then got up.    I usually don’t stop and put my feet on the ground for anything (other than stop signs) so I was disappointed with myself for that.  I completed it.  At one point he gave me the bail out option (very shortly after my little quasi nap on the side of the road) and my words to him were “I’m not a quitter”.   For so long I quit when it got hard.  If it hurt, I quit.  If it posed a difficult challenge, I quit.  I’m tired of being that girl. I’m tired of being that girl.  So we went onward, I just took extra precautions to drink a lot.  I’m not going to lie.  By the end of the 14.37 mile ride (with 223 feet of climbing according to mapmyride.com) I was tired and just ‘off’ from the earlier bout with the heat exhaustion. (the quasi nap helped me continue on but didn’t take all the effects away).   After some nice refreshing diet coke (ok, that’s what I laid on the side of the road longing for) and some cool air at my parent’s house, I bounced back and felt great.    Once again, the stupid fears turned out to be totally irrational.

 

And just to prove that I could beat the heat….on Friday after work I went out for another ride!

 

This weekend will prove to be a rough one for me.  The weekend plans hold quite a bit of unavoidable walking.  Normally I’d be jumping for joy because that gives me more activity.  However, with my foot I’m a bit nervous. Oh well, can’t help it.  So onward I go!

The good, the bad and the ugly

A year ago my foot started to hurt.  I brushed it aside, laid off the exercise for a while (reading between the lines, I quit exercise for a while) and let it heal on it's own.  No need to go see a doctor!  It was just great.  Fast forward to this year.  To last week.   Tuesday I felt a twinge of an ache in my food.  I paid attention to it and within about 50 hours had admitted defeat. I admitted that I had an issue.   I panicked about taking a break from exercise.  I didn't want to stop.  I did lay off the exercise but I immediately made a doctors appointment.  I had to figure out for sure what I was dealing with.  I had to get better so I could get back out there and move.     Will it ever cease to amaze me that I'm actually liking and WANT to exercise????  What  different a year and a whole different mental attitude makes!  It's a good thing (oh heavens, I sound like Martha Stewart now...yes, you my shoot me as soon as I'm done this post!)

Now for the bad.  I did go to the doctor.  He was amused at my coming in so soon. He knows that I typically wait until it's unbearable.  He knows that I typically 'self heal'.  He's ok with that, so he knew that there was a difference in me to come in at the first twinge of an issue.  I sat there and told him my symptoms....including the symptoms from last years issues, which I thought was behind me but have kicked in full force in the last week.   He listened and then moved forward.  He held my foot in his hand and pressed his finger into the side of my heel.  I think I raised about 2 feet off the chair!  He did it a few more times with me yelping louder each time.  He grinned  (I think sadistically at my pain) and said "Oh yeah, that's definitely plantar fasciitis" . He then turned my foot to the side and ran his finger down and area on my foot.  My foot tingled and burned at the contact.  Yeah, he had found the source of the other pain. "That's Tarsal Tunnel".   Tarsal tunnel?   Yeah, it's just like carpal tunnel.....only it's in your foot.  Lucky me.  So the verdict?    Basically we have to get the plantar fasciitis under control.  He believes that the tarsal tunnel was only acting up again due to my weird gait with this plantar fasciitis thing (I haven't really had any issues with the tarsal tunnel pain in quite a few months...other than a twinge here and there).  To get the plantar fasciitis under control he recommends an arch support to take the pressure off that heel...or more specifically the tendon.  He also recommends no high impact (goodbye running and zumba) and severely limiting the low impact stuff.  He said that the typical person recovers in about 4-6 weeks.  I'm already about a week into the 'no high impact routine"  So HOPEFULLY!    What does this mean for me?   He recommended swimming.  I don't have a pool at my fingertips, so I asked about biking and got the 'that would be great" and then I brought up the elliptical at the gym.  He agreed that that would also be a great exercise for me in the interim.    So 4-6 weeks of limited activity.  That puts me RIGHT at my next scheduled 5K.  I have already registered for the donut alley rally.   The race that I've been planning on doing for quite some time.  Hmmmmm

And now for the ugly.   I could expound on the things I ate yesterday.  But lets just say that it was a BAD day.  I knowingly at a higher caloric lunch.  I was ok with that decision.  However, I was planning on eating a very low calorie (heavy on fruits and veggies) dinner.  I got involved in a household project and when 9PM rolled around and I hadn't eaten dinner yet, I didn't do well and just gorged on food.   Grilled cheese, cottage cheese and apple butter, strawberry shortcake and baked doritos.  Not bad in the grand scheme of things, but bad when you couple that with Mexican (ohhh yummy Mexican food) it wasn't a pretty picture!     Not a failure....just a day. Moving onward!

Cue the fireworks cuz they aren't for the fourth of july they are for ME!

Cue the fireworks....they will not be for my nations independence day, they will be for me.  MOI!   Me, myself and I!   Today was my official weigh day.  I don't know how I managed to show a loss.  I've been spotty at best with exercise and I've made poor eating choices, and that's being generous when I describe my previous week.  I showed up with a 2.6 loss today!  That takes me to.....100.5 pounds lost!   Yes, I am back into the more than 100 pounds lost category!   Ahhh lets take a moment to celebrate!  :-)

I'm shaking my head at the loss.  I'll take it though.  Honestly, I think I needed this loss today more than ever before.  Not just to get back into the 100 pounds lighter category, but because I've been REALLY down about this whole foot issue.  I want to run.  I want to zumba.  I want to play tennis.  I want to MOVE.   I've been grounded.  I've been stressed about the ramifications this could have on my weight loss.  I've been depressed about it.  I KNOW that weight is lost in the kitchen and not via exercise.  But the exercise gives me the leeway to not be s 'perfect' in the kitchen.  It gives me the leeway to be a normal human being.   Today seeing the scales drop and yes, getting to the 100 pounds gone goal has rejuvenated me to say "nothings going to keep me down, to hell with with the foot!"


I made an appointment for the doctor on Wednesday (they wanted to get me in today, but I would have had to call off work sick!) at 3:30.   Wish me luck.  While I'm there I'll have him look at the heel pain first of course, but also the  somewhat persistent ache that I've had forever last year (the pain that I thought I had moved past but has resurfaced with the heel pain....most likely because I"m walking on my foot in a different manner due to the heel pain).

Sooooo  next stop on this train???    Under 200 pounds baby!   I want to be in onederland!   Bring it on!  I may be grounded but I'm not out of this fight!

Addiction

I have known for some time that I have an addiction to food.  I eat for that blissful high. You know it, that moment when you take that first bite of something utterly delicious...when you close your eyes and allow the flavors of the food wash over you.  Orgasmic bliss brought on by food.  (Ok, maybe not orgasmic bliss...but pretty darn close!)   I've known this for a while.  This is not shocking.   What IS shocking is the revelation I had the other day while in Hagerstown running errands.

As I was running into a few stores (I was looking for bags for a Bissell vacuum cleaner that Todd has at the studio..who know it would be that hard to find!) I realized that I hadn't been in some of these stores for ages.  It was like visiting old friends.  That is when I realized.  I had at one point traded my love of food and tried to substitute it with shopping and filling my 'void' with purchases. (lots of them crafts....LOL)

I started to try to lose weight shortly after I got married.  I started because I wanted to have a baby and I didn't want to have a baby at 300 plus pounds.   (Not that it made a hill of beans difference....no baby for me).   I never had financial problems before I got married.  After I got married they fell down upon me.  My husband doesn't handle money well at all (he spends like it's growing on trees) and I tried to bury my food addiction with purchases...this was a bad combination for us.   Circumstances has caused me to quit the mindless spending cold turkey.  Some days I miss it, but it's not bad. 

So that brings me to current day.  I've been filling my 'empty void' with exercise.  I've actually laughed about it and made the comment that "at least it's something healthy"  and that is true.  But I need balance in my life.  Do I plan on curbing my exercise at this point?  NO, it makes me feel good.  I like seeing what my body is capable of.  I like conquering the unimaginable (for a former 300 plus girl a lot of the stuff that I'm doing was previously unimaginable) .  I like the way it clears my mind and gives me energy.  I'm not curbing that.  

What I am committing myself to is to find balance in my life.

  Last fall I became appalled at the unfinished (and un-started) projects I had laying around (this harkens back to the indiscriminate buying days).  I decided that projects needed to be finished.  I had to finish projects.  I had to finish stuff I started.  Leaving things half finished was no longer and option.  This brought me to my weight loss journey..  My weight loss was a half finished project. 

So back to the balance.  Balance means that I have to find the time to work on these craft projects.  It means that I have to find time to get out with my camera and do the style of photography that makes me happy.   It means that I have to find balance.

Today I should have ridden my bike.  My heel is still bothering me, so running is not an option.  I woke up early and lounged all morning reading a book.  I then did  few things around the house and started working on two craft projects (a baby quilt for a friend and then since the machine was out, another project that I'm close to completing).  I feel slightly guilty for not exercising.  But I think I needed the time working on these projects to come to terms with the balance.  It's not all or nothing.  I can do multiple things in my life and not drown myself in one thing. 

I WILL be exercising tomorrow.   The foot thing has thrown me for a loop, but I'm not going to let one little speed bump keep me from my goals. (although admittedly food has been a horrible temptation for me today!)

I had assistance on my projects today!  

I don't wanna

I came inside after pushing mowing the yard.  I walked into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet a I waited for the shower to warm up.  I couldn't help it, the tears started to fall.

Let me back up and start at the beginning.  On Tuesday morning I woke up and jumped out of bed ready to go for my run.  Immediately I felt a twinge of pain on my heel.  I thought about it and just carried on.  I was a bit nervous, but that pain dissipated and during my run I didn't feel a thing.   That day I would occasionally feel a twinge or two when I got up to walk, but it disappeared and thus didn't phase me.  Wednesday I once again felt some twinges but nothing too worrisome, I went to zumba and that is where it changed.  The pain worsened.  Thursday during work I actually looked up heel pain and saw a few things, OK OK OK, there was really only one major thing that kept popping up.  Planters Fasciitis   Undeterred I headed out for my walk with Sherry.    We headed out and I was fine.  A mile or so into our walk I could feel some twinges but nothing major.  By the last 1/4 of a mile I was in some serious pain.  Sherry also rattled off the same diagnosis when iI told her my pain. I went home and limped around making dinner.  Friday was more of the same....almost constant pain when I got up to walk...but it eased up as I moved....but then worsened again if I remained on the foot.  After work brought a chore that I couldn't ignore for any longer.  I went out with the push mower and mowed for about 2 hours. 

And that brings me to sitting in the bathroom crying.  I was waiting for the shower to warm up to wash away the grim and sweat from my mowing job and I sat crying.  At  the risk of sounding like a spoiled rotten kid....  I don't want to be injured.  Seriously.  I don't want to!   I'm on a path of forward motion.  I've hit my stride.  An injury is not what I want right now (or ever really).  I have weight to lose right now tough.  I'm on a roll, I don't want to stop the momentum!  No, I cant be injured!   I'm going to sit back and rest it for the next few days.  If it doesn't settle down, I'll hit up the doctor next week. 

Taking a deep breath.   one thing I saw about planters fasciitis is that it's caused primarily by running and a little less commonly by people that participate in dance aerobics.  It's seen often in obese people and also in people that are wearing high heels.  I fit all four out those categories (I wear heels to work  lot in the summer).    The GOOD thing is that while they sy stop doing the offending activities, they recommend switching to swimming and bicycling.     SOOOO I should be ok out on my bike.  I'm going to change my tire tonight (at least that's the plan, I'm beat right now) and go for a ride tomorrow!

I may be stressed out about this turn of events but I REFUSE to let it get me down!

Disaster

  I got a SUPER late start on my bike this morning. I originally wanted to start out between 6 and 6:30.  But I just didn't have it in me to move.  I KNEW that I was still going to go....it was never in debate to not go, I just struggled to get moving in that direction.  6 passed, then 6:30......  So 7 became my new projected start time.   A few minutes before 7,  I  got dressed and went into the kitchen to grab a string cheese and to fill up my water bottles.  My husband asked "would you make me some shrimp salad for my lunch"  I have a problem with saying no so I made him shrimp salad...and packed his lunch.  I did get our dishes done and my lunch packed also!  :-)   So I didn't get out onto my bike until 7:45 Yeah.....a tad bit late, but I don't work until 10....so as long as I was home by 9:15 I could swing it. (who really needs to dry their hair before work....brush, twist and clip it up wet is my hair style). 

So I was trucking along and about  mile 6 I went down a hill and around a corner.  I had to keep it tight to the berm because a truck was coming up behind me.  There was some gravel loose on the edge of the road.  NO, I didn't go down (thank goodness)...but I flatted out.  SOOOOO I got off and called my husband and walked toward the direction in which he was coming from. (we figured out that my bike fits perfectly in the back of the civic hatchback, that's a good thing to know!)   OH well.....at least I got 6 miles in.  :-)  I felt GOOD too! 

The good thing about getting home from my bike ride earlier than projected?   I have a load of laundry in the wash, the floors have been vacuumed, the bed made...I'm rolling!  Ohh and the bike tire will be changed tonight or tomorrow and I'll be back out on Saturday for my planned ride!  (yes, I have a spare tube and know how to change it,.....and I sure hope my words don't come back to bite me and I have to wait for my brother to get back from Indiana to help me....but I've changed tires on my Trek and Todd's trek quite a few times).

My weight.  I know it's my food.  I am eating lower calories but I've allowed food that shouldn't be in my diet to not only creep in but to take up residence.   So I'm cleaning house...kicking those things out......back to the basics. 

Self fulfilling

I've been saying for a long long time that weight loss and exercise is a battle that is lost and won in the mind.  It is a pure mental exercise.  Today I had a first hand experience to show me exactly how much this is a mental battle.   It was morning, I planned to go out running.  I got myself dressed and set off  I had my plan.  I was going to do about 3.5 miles. I was planning on running it at my somewhat current normal pace of 12.30.  Or rather that is what I hoped. I just run, giving it my all and hope for the best with my pace.  So I started off.  My heart rate seemed a bit low, but I seemed to be going at an OK pace.  I tried to pick up the pace, simply based on my heart rate.  I just couldn't do it.  So my first mile was run with me running, and feeling ok, just thinking I was slow.   Mile two is when the mental adjustment occurred for the worse.  I just spent roughly a mile of running stressing about my speed, my lower heart rate, my running...everything.  Mile 2 is when it hit.  I started to mentally abuse myself.  I lamented my horrible run (which I was still running).  I even stopped and walked a few feet.  My legs felt heavy.  I beat myself mentally that whole mile.  I was having such a tough battle that I decided to not do the extra loop which would net me the full 3.5 miles...I was going to go straight back to the car and call it a day at 2.5 miles. Afterall, it was a horrible run you know!  I decided to ignore everything and just run to run for that last half mile and I finished it with a smile on my face and proud of myself for doing it.....then I looked at my stats......

So let me recap...

mile one, I thought I was doing bad

mile two, I flogged myself for how bad I did on mile one, to the point of physically feeling horrible

mile three, I ran to run.

So here are the splits......  and let me say that my base run is usually 12:30 or thereabouts....but I have run a sub 12 once or twice barely........so I'm inching downward.

Mile one...the horrible mile wasn't so horrible afterall..... I ran a 12:02

Mile two...I psyched myself out that I couldn't do it and ran a 12:58  (can we say mental failure)

The last half mile.......11:24    Uhhhh hello!

So it's clearly obvious that my mental game totally affects me!  

How often have I done this to myself.  I can say I'd started the Couch to 5 K training program time and time again (I know at least 3 times for sure) and each time I psyched myself out.  I let the mental voices beat me down.  The screamed at me "maryfran, you can't do this"  I listened to them and when you listen they turn into a self fufilling prophecy!   NO no no....I will not listen to the voices.  When I have a bad run, I will accept it at the end when I look at my stats.  I will just run to run...I will ride to ride when it seems difficult.  I will push to do best each mile and I will accept it when it's my best effort.  

bicycling thoughts

When I run and ride I find that my mind swirls.  I have some deep thoughts.  I sometimes 'write' my  next blog post (when I have a moment of inspiration) in my head.  It's my me time.   So today I'm going to take you along on my ride and you can 'hear' my thoughts.

I step out of the house with my bike and it begins.

Dang, it's hot out here, I thought it would be cooler since it's 6:30 AM, darn humidity.............This isn't too bad, I'm feeling it today, of course it's downhill at this point...........Drat but I do hate riding on this road.................last monday I forgot my water, glad I have it today............Stupid road, crevices galore.  That would really blow to get my tire stuck in a crevice................Oh look, there's Terri driving by..........ahhh that was fun to see a friend and to be able to wave a good morning message.............Oh I don't think she recognized me in my bike gear though.........seriously, another hill.....................the stop signs coming up....don't forget the clips on your shoes..........Clip.....clip....clip....ahhh stop signs are over for a while..........WHAT????........Seriously, I thought motorcycles were more cognizant and aware and KIND..........I am on a huge shoulder, a good 5 feet beyond the white line and that motorcycle didn't have to come across the white line and buzz me!..........wonder what road I should take today.........stupid motorcycle........wiggle toes, wiggle toes, wiggle toes................Move out of the way squirrel........oh no, I'm going to hit the squirrel..........what's up with motorcycles and squirrels today.........another hill, how did I get so lucky............relax my shoulders and loosen the arms........ahhhh poor pretty dead fox, now I want to cry..........wiggle wiggle wiggle the toes...........uhhh that was stupid, why did I not pedal out of that hill, now i'm at the bottom of a hill with literally no momentum.........stand up and ride sissy........ahhhh made it to the top and I didn't have to unclip, that was close.............one last hill and I'll be there..........unclip dummy.....ahhhh two feet on the ground, legs are a little jelly-like but how exhilerating!!!!..........

Yeah, there were no grand, deep epiphanies today.  But that's OK, we can't have that happen every day!

Monday = weigh day!    218.3  I'm good with that. It's not a HUGE drop, but it's a drop.  I'll take it!

Scaredy cat

I ended my last blog post with a line.  It was a simple line.  "I think there has been an athlete lurking under all my fat and she just may be trying to emerge."   I wrote that line, then deleted it.  I wrote it again and deleted it again.  Back and forth I went.     Seriously?  I wrote about my emotional stress that led to me not working out and to a small binge in that post.  I didn't care, I had no problem writing about it.  I wrote about my frustration with the rate of my weight loss and my conclusions as to why that could be....totally my fault.   I had no second thoughts about sharing that.  But I worried and stressed over sending the little stinkin' line that said that The athlete that had been lurking under the fat was being set free.  Why?

Why indeed?  Why would something as benign as that worry me.  Before I could second guess myself, I put it into the post and hit send.  After I had sent my post live I started to REALLY think about why it bothered me.

I've never been an athlete.  Well unless you consider a little girl in the early 80's who rode her bike up and down the road and pretended she was either Ponch or John from the tv show the Chips. (no, I can't remember if I was Ponch or John....isn't that sad?).   It was a passing fad.  My brother can verify that fact, he saw first hand how unathletic I was on many occasions.  At some point (midway through my high school years) he decided that his sister would be a great riding partner.  I was game (he probably bribed me to go!) and went along.  We went up and down roads.  It seemed to go on forever.  I was so tired.  It was an endless ride.    It was hot (seriously, we lived in Florida).   And did I mention that this ride was never ending?   I contend that I was just resting my forearms on my handlebars for a rest and lost my balance.  My brother says that I was simply going so slow up a slight grade that I couldn't stay balanced.  Believe who you want.....(ME ME ME). it was not a shining moment   OK OK OK, I will admit that I was going very slow and that I was NOT enjoying this hellishly long ride that he took me on.  (shhhh looking back we were probably not even 2 or 3 miles into the ride...but I'm not going to admit that!).     But anyway, my walk down memory lane just proves that athleticism and the name MaryFran didn't go hand in hand. As a side note, it took me about 10-15 years to get back on a bike (well, I did get back on that day, I rode like the wind to get home and clean the pebbles out of my knee!..but when I got off that bike I never once got back on it!) 

So I've never been an athlete.  So was that my issue with that sentence?  I'm not an athlete.  I'm a girl who is learning to like some forms of exercise.  Or maybe I should say I'm a girl that is learning to enjoy the challenge of pushing her body into zones and areas it has never been to.   But still, saying that out loud doesn't bother me...so why the indecision?

And then it hit.  It's fear.  (damn fear!)   Fear.  Oh yes, my frenemy and a frequent topic to this blog.  You see, if I put it down and admit that the athlete is emerging, then how will I feel in a year if I've turned back into a fat couch potato?    If I admit it then I will be the laughing stock if I fail.  I don't want to be a laughing stock.  I HOPE that this is a new lifestyle for me that lasts for the rest of my life, but seriously....what if it's not.  I'm 40 years old.  I have 40 years of bad habits pulling at me.  (well, except for my brief stint as Ponch or John!). I could and probably will slip in the future. I'm afraid of failing at this new lifestyle.   Fear of failure is a huge things with me.  But then I have to tell myself..... There is nothing to be afraid of.  All I can do is be true to myself and I will be fine!

  Fear is a debilitating thing.  Intrinsically I knew that I had to leave that 'scary' line in my blog post because I'm facing one fear at a time and knocking the fear out of the ballpark!

This newly minted athletic girl has stared this fear in the face and has decided that she will enjoy every day of this lifestyle that she is building.  If I slip...I will face it with my head held high knowing that even if I fail in the future that I have asked my body to do amazing things and my body responded favorably and I did things that I NEVER thought I could.   Fear is not allowed.....PRIDE is welcome!