I sound like a broken record!

Yes, at the risk of sounding like a broken record I'll say it. I'm not going to have a good weigh in tonight. Nope. Not at all. I actually think I gained about 3 pounds. I had said anything under 5 pounds and I'd be a happy girl! I'm not going to be happy to lose that weight again. However, I feel like I would have been denying myself if I wouldn't have given in and allowed myself anything. The problem was, yesterday I was there in the kitchen and I nibbled and nibbled. Mom had the goodies OUT and in plan view on the table. Not her fault...I should be able to resist.

I'm very lucky though. While I was eating, I knew that on Tuesday, I would be jumping right on the wagon and going full fledged with this eating thing again. Even as I shoveled in food (ok, it wasn't that bad.......nibbled on food) I knew that it would be a different story on Tuesday and everyday thereafter. So, how has Tuesday gone thus far. GREAT! I've eaten responsibly and made it to the gym for a great workout this morning!

I think the big thing was that I realized that I could wear another pair of pants from the 'not yet' drawer! So all day yesterday I was wearing something that previously was too small. It fit...COMFORTABLY! That is such a great feeling! And it helped me mentally be ready to and looking forward to getting back on task! The other thing is that I'm getting ready to help lead this summer weight loss challenge. SO I know that I'll be thinking about weight loss a lot!

I'm going going to take this weigh in tonight, file it and come back in the next weeks and regroup, relose and get back to the losing life!

Merry Christmas!

I gave myself a free day today. I've greatly enjoyed the food that I have eaten. Yes, I've eaten more than I should have. Do I feel guilty....nope. I do however feel ready to get back up tomorrow and really work to get some more of this weight off. No, I'm not looking forward to the scales tomorrow....but I would be expecting a maintain or gain anyway...TOM Quite honestly, I'm looking foward to eating healthy. What a surprise for me.

Something that I did today to help me motivate myself...even though I was having a free day. I routed through my 'ready for you' clothes. (this is clothes that have been given to me, or that I've bought at Goodwill in the next size down). I found a pair of jeans...that I could wear...comfortably actually. And I wore them....knowing in my head that I was wearing a pair of jeans that one month ago I couldn't...and a size lower. I'm slowly fitting into more 16's!!! I'll make it to the point that I can wear ANY 16!

I've been part of a Christmas challenge. I was hoping and aiming to be in onederland (199.9 or less) by Christmas. I'm not at all upset about the fact that I didn't make my goal. I tried pretty hard...and I actually dropped more than 20 pounds during the challenge...pretty good. I am goign to be part of another challenge......which will run from January until the first day of summer June 21. This is a pretty long goal. I'm thinking about setting 40 as my goal to lose. That will put me at 170 pounds! That's roughly 1.3 pounds a week. Tough, absolutely. Doable? Yes! I'd rather aim high! I know that I won't be upset if I dont' make it. I'll be happy if I've at least made a considerable effort in getting to my goal!

Holding on!

Ahhhh Christmas cookies! I was so proud of myself the other night when I made all those cookies and yummy stuff and didn't eat any of them. I put up a mental block within and didn't eat any more of my cookies. (some of the cookie gift packages are still in my kitchen...untouched). HOWEVER, I got some gifts today from my work...cookies and goodies. YEP, I've partaken! ARRGGHHH! But, oh my word, they taste soooooooo good! I've got to mentally slap my wrists and stop this! I need to keep telling myself I'm only 9 pounds away from onederland! 9 measely pounds! This is sooo in my reach that I can taste it!

I got rid of my next size up though, so I have NOWHERE to grow into! On the otherhand, I've got a plethera of the next size down in clothes! MOTIVATION and WILLPOWER, where are you?

I did it!

I'm amazed some weeks. It seems like lately I come on a day or so after my weigh in and I'm like...somehow from somewhere I pulled a loss! Well, it happened again. 1.6 down! Yes, I'm working for it. But admitedly, I slacked a little....ate more of my flex points than I normally do.......amazing!

On that same note...I've already blown 11 flex points for this week also. That's a lot for me...I usually only use 5 per WEEK!

Made about 6 different kinds of cookies tonight. Ate about 2 cookies worth of Chocolate Chip cookie dough... (yes, I know we aren't supposed to eat raw dough anymoer...but heck, I've been doing it since I was just a wee thing...I see no reason to stop now). Anyway, only about two cookies worth of dough. No other snitches...I didn't 'test' the cookies as they came out! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! I saved out about 2-3 of each cookie for my husband. I saved abou 5 or 6 of the 1 point pumpkin cookie (spice cake mix, can of pumpkin, and 1/3 cup water...add 2/3 cup water and you can do muffins...but cookies are fine also..they are a very 'caky' cookie). But I saved a few one pointers for me for a snack for the next few days. AND with the rest of the cookies....I packed them up in gift packages....ready to go! The name tags and bows are on them! They are as good as out the door! (Nope...I won't cheat because each package is 'artfully' arranged and to snitch a cookie would mess up the 'prettiness' of the package!

Tickled because I was able to buy myself a pair of pants (lounging flannel pants) at an everyday overstock store ($5....really good deal)! This may not seem exciting...but for a big girl whose options are usually pretty limited as to where she can buy her clothes.....just walking through the clothes area and being able to actually find something that fits is pretty amazing. EVen more amazing...I on a whim bought the xl. I thought that they would be tight but I would 'grow' into them. Well, I tried them on...they are loose. Now don't get me wrong....not loose as in I should be wearing a large...but loose as in comfy!

Going to my work christmas party/dinner tomorrow night so I'm planning my low point breakfast and lunch!

Lately I've been really melancholy. I've just felt like crying...A LOT of the time! Don't know what's up with that. My husband freaks out because he wants to know why I'm crying...or feeling sad. I honestly can't tell him why....I'm just sad. I do think it's because right now we seem to be under a lot of stress...but that usually doesn't make me feel sad and teary! Nope...not eating like a mad woman because of it either!

Another week!

I've been really struggling this week. I've used more flex points then I have ever used. I know, I know...they are there for me to use, Use them. However, that combined with my lower exercise levels. I just don't know what's happening to me. I've had a few nights of not being able to sleep and a few other nights of nightmares. Fun fun fun.

According to my scales, I've maintained though. We'll see how it goes tonight!

Another week!

I've been really struggling this week. I've used more flex points then I have ever used. I know, I know...they are there for me to use, Use them. However, that combined with my lower exercise levels. I just don't know what's happening to me. I've had a few nights of not being able to sleep and a few other nights of nightmares. Fun fun fun.

According to my scales, I've maintained though. We'll see how it goes tonight!

Somehow!

Somehow, from somewhere, I pulled out a 2.8 loss. This puts me at the exact weight that I went into my thanksgiving vacation at.....before I temporarily lost control!

Meanwhile, today at work I was so bored that I literally fell asleep! Uhhh, I'm a boredom eater! I ate 16 points EXTRA in mindless eating at work alone! Yes, that was 16 points! Luckily I did have 5 points extra (I was saving it to have a weight watchers dessert cup during The Biggest Loser tonight) and I was able to change my 12 point dinner into a 5 point dinner (yay zero point veggies!). I had already planned to go to the gym...I just did more cardio than weights and earned 6 points.....so I evened myself out at least. But I can't be doing that!

Better luck tomorrow!

Waiting to see the damage!

Yes, I'm waiting to see the damage. Last week I gained 2.2 pounds. Which means in the last two weigh ins combined I've gaiend 2.8 pounds. Not life ending...but still something I DON'T want to happen. So I set myself on a course to get back to where I'm need to be. I feel as if I've done pretty good this week. I stayed on task. I journalled everything...even the bad stuff that I ate. And yes, I did eat bad stuff. I celebrated my birthday this week. I didn't eat cake, instead I chose to have ice cream. I'm not talking about run of the mill boring ice cream. I'm talking about an icecream shop where they make EVERYTHING from scratch.....using all natural ingredients. Eating this ice cream is darn near orgasmic. I totally enjoyed it....it was WELL worth the points. The good thing...this fabulous ice cream shop is about 1.5 hours away...and in a place where we usually do a heck of a lot of walking! (3-4 hours). SOOOOO Hopefully the walking negated the icecream.

I'm thinking that I actually may have lowered my numbers a little bit. I was originally aiming to lose the whole 2.8 pounds this week...I'll be happy with 2.....(according to the gym scales, that may be what I did too). I don't know!

Back on Track

Yes, I'm back on track. Really what it boils down to is I'm actually journalling and not just saying...'oops, I'm over'. I decided one of the big things I would do would be to write down EVERYTHING....and count EVERYTHING...even if I know that I went over. First, knowing that I'm going to write it down anyway makes me be good. And, I'm finding it is not too overly difficult to actually get it back under control. What I'm struggling with is the "bites, licks and tastes". But, yes, I'm adding those in also!

I also think that I needed a 'bad week' to really refocus myself. I mean, the week before I had gained .6 pounds. That's pretty much nothing. In all honesty, to me that is the difference in clothes....or maybe a trip to the bathroom. So it was way to easy to overlook as a gain. Not so for a 2.2 pound gain. I can't over look it. Yes, I know that I was probably retaining water (I hadn't been drinking properly) but that is an excuse and I know the other part of it is that I ate poorly that week. I could have kept overlooking .6 pounds week after week. And eventually I would have found that I had slowly gained back the weight. I needed that shot in the arm of a 'big' weight gain to get me back on track! :-)

Weigh In Results

Ok, I'm up 2.2 pounds. I want to scream in frustration. However, I refuse to. I know I did it to myself. I didn't watch what I was eating.....I didn't watch portion sizes....and thereby, I didn't journal. I am 100% at fault!

I'm recommitted though. I have done pretty good thus far today. I actually will have enough for a Weight Watchers fudge bar. Yes,I've had stuff like that in the past week...however I never had the points for it. Today, I actually have the points to really allow to eat it! So, I'm not doing too badly. AND, my water intake is where it needs to be today!

Struggling

I'm so struggling with this 'eating/lifestyle' change thing. As I said, I made better choices on my vacation...but still ate too much and some choices that were not the best. I came home and I am 100% determined to stay with this and do it. It was working so well for me before the vacation. AND I had a friend give me some clothes while I was on vacation (she is also losing weight and has outgrown the clothes...so she passed them on to me). Some of the clothes are too small, there are a few that are just a little tight and then I have some that are just right. I was wearing some and I noticed last night that they are actualy a size LARGE! There was no x in front of that word. Let alone 2X. I was pretty tickled. SO I know what I've done is working. However, my willpower after vacation just seems to have vanished! I forced myself to get up and exercise first thing in the morning. I'm hoping that if I have in the back of my mind that I already exercised, that it will help me 'remember' that I should turn some of the bad stuff down! I know I can do it. I want it. I just need to get my head back into sync with my heart!

vacation

Well, vacation/holiday has come and gone. We spent about 12 days visiting friends and family (away from home the whole time). I started the time with some rough eating experiences (eating too much) but exercised my heart out. I was pretty religious about exercising while I was away...but just ate way too much. I did chose some healthier options.....and only once felt stuffed. BUT, I know I didn't chose as wisely as I could have! The end result.......I gained .6 pounds. Not too shabby...especially since knowing that the 'ick' (TOM) is just departing!

Now to just make it through all the birthdays and Christmas!

A mixture of Happiness and Stress

I'm ecstatic....thrilled...even tickled pink. I had my weigh in last night. I am utterly proud to announce that I lost 3.2 pounds! I am now 211.2 pounds! That is such a huge difference from where I started. Amazing to know that at one point I weighed 295 pounds (on my scales which weighed me 10 pounds lighter than everywhere else...). So I am excited beyond belief to have posted a big loss.....especially knowing that as long as I can post consistent 2 pound losses, then I will make my goal by Christmas. (and if I don't..well, I'll make it by mid-January...or the beginning of February...or whenever).

I'm utterly stressed. A dog recently came under my care. He came under my care becuase the person that we entrusted to take care of him didn't do a good job. (well, I don't know..but the dog got sick and he didn't do anything to help the dog.....the dog is my husbands grandmothers, she is in a nursing home). SOOO I've been trying to nurse this poor dog (big German Shepherd....previous police/prison dog) back to health. I went over there on Monday and "THOUGHT" I saw the dog fall down. I wasn't sure though...I thought he may have slipped. ON Tuesday I was back, to entice him with more treats and good things. The dog was laying against the kennel door....immobile. I actually had to shove (gently of course) to get the kennel door open and shut. I was in tears, it was terrible. I called around and could find NO-ONE to help me with the dog that late at night....I couldn't move the dog...even though he had lost a lot of weight, he still was pretty big and heavy. SOOO, I tried to make the dog as comfortable as possible (blankets and such) and made an appointment for this morning. Yes, the dog is no longer suffering. I hate making the decision to have to 'put an animal down'. It's just way to heartwrenching!

Soooo, I go to work. I'm stressed, very emotional and just plain icky from all that had happened. I just wanted to eat and eat! I didn't want to stop. I actually didnt' do too badly...only 5 points over my daily allotment. AND I exercised my tail end off this evening...and earned 5 points to make up for it. BUT, today was a total struggle!

Hopeful!

Well, I'm pretty hopeful. I went to the doctor with my husband. He was happy to announce that the scales at the gym...and the scales at home are all pretty accurate (with the scales at home being the known 5 pounds less). So, I knew what I weighed at the gym...(the same as I weighed at weight watchers). SOOOO I hopped on the scales when the doctor and nurse weren't in the room. They weighed me at 210 pounds. Now..I'm not saying that I lost four pounds since my weigh in...but I'm hoping that maybe..somehow I've dropped big. It would definitely put me back in the running! Maybe I need to sneak a peak at the home scales tomorrow morning!

Had to go out and buy a new wedding band...the old one was way to loose....along with my engagment ring and other rings. I bought a simple band...but one with a little texture since that's the only ring I plan on wearning for a while!

Chugging along

I've come to the conclusion that I may not reach my own little mini goal. I had set in my head that I would like to be under 200 pounds by Christmas/New Years. It was atually a doable goal. I figured it out (fitday.com is a wonderful site because you can put in your weigh and your goal and target date...and it will tell you exactly what you need to lose each week in order to reach that goal) I had to lose 1.5 pounds each week...and that was to make the goal by Christmas (it was obviously a bit less to do it by New Years!) Well....that one week of a gain really blew my target out of the water...it is actually possible for me to do it. I would need to have one week of a huge loss though...and then the rest of the weeks would have to be slow and steady..with no gains! Possible..yes. REalistic...not really. I'm not worried...because I fully expect to be within a few pounds of my goal by the target time...and that will be huge!

Why this 200 goal is so big for me? Well, Just under 200 pounds will mark 100 pounds gone! For good....never to be seen again! (I didn't weigh myself much at that point...but do know at one point the scales read 198) Reason number two why this goal is so immensly huge for me. 197 marks the point where according to the BMI index, that I will go from being Obese...to simply being overweight. Imagine that? And the third reason.....I will be in onederland! WOOOOOOO I can't imagine that either!

Soooo, all that said, I'm refocusing this week. I want to see if I am very disciplined not only with my exercise but with my eating, if I can post a big number on the scales to possibly beat the odds and put me back in the running for my Christmas/New Years goal! I'm not doing anything stupid...I'm simply being more disciplined than I have been in recent weeks. :-) I'm also pushing my exercise into more intense workouts and if not more intense...than longer!

On a positive note....my jeans are starting to get loose AGAIN!..that means that I'll soon be moving down another size! Oh yeah, I also can't wear my rings anymore...they are too loose and are falling off! Never thought I would be excited about the fact that I can't wear my rings anymore! YIPPEE!!

The Hot Seat!

I've been good lately. I haven't been hopping on my home scales all the time. I will admit that I did get on the gym scales yesterday though. BUT the only thing bad is that it means I have no utter idea what my weigh in will be. I don't know if I gained or lost.

Well.....after a week of eating so so. (So, so meaning that I made healthier choses than I originally would have...however I still ate too much and I could have done better.) I actually somehow posted a 1.6 pound loss!

Wooo hooO!

I'm tickled pink though because my new exercise stuff came in the mail today. I've set aside today as my 'off' day from exercise....and I've exercised the last 6 days...so I know I need it. Otherwise I'd be in the living room exercising!

Am I digressing?

I don't know what came over me today. Maybe it was something in the air. I dont' know. But, this morning Todd and I had an early morning appointment. We stopped at the Waffle House for Breakfast on the way home. I knew what I was goign to get. I had previously measured the size of their waffles...I knew exactly what I wanted. One waffle....I knew the points...etc etc etc. Well, we sat down and I saw the sign. "We now have Chocolate Chip Waffles". Mmmmm doesn't that sound good. I debated. I finally decided to go ahead, take the knock and live on the edge. I was getting the chocolate chip waffles. As I was waiting for the waitress, I made the mistake of actually looking at the menu. Wow...did you know that you pay 2.35 for one waffle and you can get a double for 99 cents extra??? Wow...99 cents. Before I knew it, I had ordered a double! No....it's not just a little bigger....it is TWO waffles! NO.....I didn't put one aside and eat two. I enjoyed every dang bite of those waffles! Well, at the end I was finding the chocolate and accompanying syrup too sweet, but I still enjoyed each and every bite!

It just goes to show me that I still really don't have control over what i am doing. I honestly don't know what happened to me. I saw it and before I could think, I blurted out that I wanted it. I really didn't want it...and I know that! However, I do know that I need to get this weird urge that just washed over me under control. I need to if I am going to win the war. I may have lost that battle...but I'll refight it over and over again during my lifetime I am sure! I need to win!

Looking for the Rabbit in the Magicians Hat!

Yep, I pulled another one out of the proverbial hat. I was not expecting great things at this weigh in. The ick arrived a few days ago. I've actually felt bloated and icky. So I just thought that this weigh in wouldn't be that great. SOMEHOW, from somewhere, I pulled a 1.8 pound loss! Yes, a loss and a pretty decent sized one! How, I don't know. I do know that I ate decently. I'm not going to say that I ate well....I cheated a few times. However, since I really don't use my flex points each week (officially that is.....I'm sure I use them for all those BLT ~~bites licks and tastes~~ and all those things that I miscalculate or the portion sizes that I get wrong...). The other thing that I did right was exercise. I exercised 6 days out of the last 7 days. (And even on my day off from exercise I did a heck of a lot of walking).

I'm facing the reality that there is a good chance that I won't make my Christmas Goal of being under 200 pounds by Christmas or at least New Years. I do however think I'll be extemely close to my goal by that time. I think I may only need a week or so longer to reach that goal...therefore I'm leaving it stand. To actually reach the goal by Christmas I would need to lose 2.05 pounds. To reach it by New Years it was something like 1.79 pounds.

Another Weigh in!

I debated long and hard about whether to go to my weight watchers meeting tonight. No, I wasn't contemplating quitting, I was worried about this weigh in. I thought about going and taking my free pass so I wouldn't have to be weighed in. I finally did chose to just bite the bullet, pay the piper and weigh in.

You see, this week was stressful. At the beginning my husband and I were frantic because we bought something sight unseen that we were responsible for picking up and moving from a second floor loft in NYC (greenwich village to be exact) and getting it down to our recording studio. Stress was running just a tad bit high, let me tell you. On Thursday we jumped in our car with a few friends and caravaned up to NYC with a van full of some more friends. It is a 5 hour trip. We were in the city for about 2-3 hours getting this monster (8 feet long and weighing about 800-1000 pounds) out of this second story loft and into the van that we had brought to haul it. Then a 5 hour trip home...one that was stretched longer due to the driving rain that we had to travel through. Once home, we then had to unload the monster. It was just a joy. Why I mention it....I ate convience store food during that whole trip! I actually didn't do too badly though. I would have preferred more fruits and veggies but I didn't do to bad considering!

FOllowing that trip, we had a 2 day rest and then back in the car to go on a little mini vacation that we had planned months ago. We went to Lancaster Co PA....land of good, yummy, heavy, comfort style foods. I am proud of myself. I made healthier choices than I have during previous visits to that area. HOwever, I know I still could have done better in the eating department. I also had made sure that we were staying in a hotel that had an indoor pool and a fitness center. I utilized both fo them. I swam for exercise in the pool and went to the fitness center every day! AND worked out hard in the fitness center!

I would say my biggest problem of the week....I didn't get my water. I aim for 1/2 my body weight in ounces each day. But, I'm happy if I reach the 64 ounce mark! For probably mroe than half of this week....and most specifically these last 3-4 days before the weigh in (oh yes, we got back from vacation and my weigh in was literally 2 hours after we got home). BUt the biggest problem was the lack of water....these last few days I've probably not even hit the 30 ounce mark of water. Can we say water retention. I also was stupid and ordered chipped beef gravy for breakfast. Not the greatest thing point wise...but managable. However, I wasn't even thinking of the sodium.....can we say water retention again???

So, how did I do. I know you are dying to know! Well, I went and I told myself that I was expecting to gain. I was thinking about 5 pounds! I had decided that I would be ok with anywhere up to a 5 pound gain. Well, I actually started to cheer when I heard my weight. I only gained 1 pound! That should be easily corrected with just getting my water/sodium consumption back in line! Woo hoooo!

So there you have it.....I am actually cheering over a gain!

Weigh In

I did it! I got my 25 pounds lost magnet! Yep, I lost 1.4 pounds! I'm excited. I'm happy that I am still losing decent weight each week! ALthough, I'm exercising pretty religiously!

In fact, yesterday was my off day for exercise...meaning I wasn't going to exercise at all. Well, I ate my dinner and I sat here at the computer...feeling awful. Just full (not sick) but just yucky. I knew what my body was demanding.....activity! So, up I got and I exercised for an hour. Felt great when I was done! That's kinda weird for me..the queen of not exercising.

The other thing that happened this week. Todd and I met mom outside of her work and dropped off some clothes for her to go through (they are too big for me..and whatever she doesn't want she is goign to take to The Rescue mission or goodwill.) Well, I was waiting for her and was doing a bit of a hop/sashay or something. I didn't think anything of it. APparently mom did. She told me last night that she went home and told dad that they are getting their daughter back...the daughter that they remembered from years ago. She told me that and I just looked at her and said, "It's hard to do those things and be peppy when you weigh just shy of 300 pounds". This 75-80 pounds really does make a difference. AND...just watch out when I hit my goal!!!! WOo hooo...who knows what i'm gonna be like then!