Changes

I knew what works. Right now for me I know what works. So why in the world do I not do it?

What am I talking about? Tracking! In the last couple weeks I have set up a different plan for myself. When I work the plan The plan works for me. But when I deviate, the plan doesn’t work.

Tracking for me is quite instrumental to my success. I tracked last week and I lost 2.2 pounds. But then I stopped tracking… And I stopped losing.

I know tracking isn’t everything, it’s my eating habits. But tracking is what helps keep me in line and in check. Quite honestly, I have no clue what my calorie intake was for this work week… At all! 

So why do I not track? First and foremost, I think I forget about it… It’s not an ingrained habit yet. Secondly, I think to some regard I show some success and I start to feel confident. I think hey I don’t need to track I did really good last week! Regardless of the reason, I know for me it’s important to do!

So how do I remind myself to do this? Should I set myself an alarm on my phone? Leave notes for myself beside my bed? Find an accountability partner? I’m not sure… I’m not sure which one would 

work for me but I know I have to be serious about this. 

Two things happened recently that it made me really start to think about what I’m doing here. 

1.  Lately we have been watching a lot of YouTube videos on mountain biking. These are guys that were and are ordinary people. They are not experts but they have reached an incredible amount of people to help promote mountain biking simply through their love of the sport. Even though I’m struggling right now, I’m passionate about my journey and experiences as I’ve worked to become healthier.  So should I be doing something more with that passion? I know when I had lost the weight the first time I really felt drawn to try to help others… But then life went belly up and I regained and while I still had the passion I just let it sit idle.

2. With the nice warm weather returning, I started walking again at work on my lunch and my two breaks. I did walk last year but I was a new hire and didn’t really know anyone.. This year people recognize me and I’ve had a few  comments made to me in the last week or two. I have been asked numerous times how long it takes to get around the lake. People want to know if it’s doable on a 30 minute lunch break. Why yes it is doable! I got to work early one day last year and timed it out to make sure. I have also had a handful of people tell me that I was their inspiration and they walked on their lunch break or their 15 minute break simply because they saw me walking. Me? And inspiration? No that can’t be true… But it was.

So with all that happening, it comes as no surprise that I have been mulling over my little corner of the Internet. The ideas are flowing. I’m excited about some of the things that I want to add and do. Are they groundbreaking? No probably not… Would it be my unique take on the subject matter? Absolutely!  Some aspects of this possible change scare me to death… Do I move my blog? That is the biggest issue I have.  I honestly I have no problem creating a website of some sort, it’s daunting but I can manage (using a website builder tool)… I’m just worried about my blog.  I know that I would like my blog to carry with me with to whatever I do, (versus have my blog on blogger and a separate website).  I think this is important because the longevity of my blog lends me a bit of credence to my personal experience.   Did I mention that moving the blog end my close to 2000 (1987 including this post). posts scares me? Honestly, it’s something I should have done many many years ago… But I was scared then also!    So here I am taking a deep breath and doing my research, even as my hands shake at the prospect!

Trust the plan

For the last week or two I have actually been feeling very positive about where I am with my eating, where I am with my exercise and where I’m going with my weight loss journey. I’m feeling stronger, more empowered and honestly more capable of once again completing this task of losing weight. So it came as a complete shock to me during the last week to be paralyzed with fear.

Let me backtrack, the plan that I am currently working with for my weight-loss efforts involves a balancing act. I’m not giving up anything… I’m balancing. I know for me right now deprivation is not going to work. So I’ve devised a plan that actually is working for me. Slowly, but surely. Honestly it really is a fine line. I am still eating a sweet treat most nights. This could blow up in my face really really quickly and easily. I have tried to set up a check system so that I don’t eat the sweet treats when I shouldn’t, but it really is a crapshoot. Why am I willing to take this risk? I think the biggest reason is because for me it gives normalcy. Normal is what I’m striving for. I don’t want to live a life where I’m constantly stressed about my food choices.  And let’s face it, for the first time in a long time I am excited about this journey.

Enter the fear. It started last week, the one day that I did not earn my steps but still ate the sweet treat. I laid in bed that night wailing and gnashing my teeth in fear that I had gained weight from my little bobble. OK, maybe that was a little melodramatic… A lot melodramatic! But in all seriousness, I was worried. I was starting to see movement on the scales in the right direction and I didn’t want to upset that progress. It turned out OK though. (In fairness I didn’t totally go off track and I got right back on track the next day.)

On Monday I wrote about the weekend  I wrote about my hunger on Sunday that lingered into Monday causing my calorie counts to go a little bit higher than I wanted them to be. Enter the fear. I worried! I really worried.

On Tuesday morning I stepped on the scale for a little check of my weight. I looked down and saw the number and let out a sigh of disgust. On one hand, I was happy because it was a maintain from a week earlier. But on the other hand I was disgusted because it was a maintain for the week and a gain for the weekend.  What happened to all of my effort from the previous week. There was nothing I could do other than move forward. I had already figured out why I was so hungry those days and in doing so had pinpointed the problem, which means I know how to correct it for the future. There really was nothing else I could do but move forward.

I moved through my Tuesday with a smile on my face. And while I ate my sweet treat, I wasn’t worried about it because I had met the criteria that I had set aside a couple weeks back for eating a sweet treat at night. In the back of my mind I wondered if I wasn’t a bit dehydrated though, I drank  the same amount of liquid at work… But almost immediately I had to pee constantly. In my experience whenever I start drinking after being dehydrated I pee a lot to get rid of the water that I was retaining. I refused to think about it deeply and just kept moving forward.

Wednesday dawned and a new day, a new chance to step on the scale. I was so relieved to see the lower number on the scales this morning.. My effort from last week is back! Hallelujah! While I was in the shower one thought kept going through my head… Trust the plan.

Trust the plan? If you have a solid plan in place for weight loss, the wait is going to come off. A slight aberration in the plan is not going to derail you. Trust the plan.

On Monday night I set out running clothes and set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier. I must’ve been insane! But, when that alarm went off I rolled out of bed through all my clothes and headed outside for a run. I got out there and it was misting… Not a full rain thank heavens. I didn’t let that mist stop me. I ran anyway! I was wearing my glasses, and they fogged up something horrible. I push them up on my head and kept running. I did it!



About the glasses… Yes I’m pretty blind without them. I was able to see and stay on the sidewalk and when I had to cross the road I could see that there were no cars there for sure. So in that regard I was safe. However if there was some stalker or person out to do me harm hiding behind a tree… I wouldn’t have seen them. For example as I approached a street corner I saw what looked like a tree or somethingand then the tree moved. A quick flip down at my glasses revealed that it was a person walking their dog that had stopped to let the dog do their business. Yeah that’s how my run went. Never a dull moment. 

Luckily my work break walks were serene!!

It’s hump day today… And today, I’m just trusting my plan.

Magical

Memorial Day weekend is almost in the books....I’m just sitting here writing out my weekend post and then it will be fine for bed.  We returned to the ‘magic’.  And returning to the magic made me think about my weight loss journey.  

We had a nice three day weekend and we used it as our first chance to get away since living together.  Let me back up...for the few years that we have dated  before we lived together, we went away for the weekends...a LOT.  Our living situations gave us virtually no time alone together unless we went away.  (Thus lots of hikes and bike rides too!). Yes, it was sometimes more costly, but I scoured the internet for deals and we chased them down...that is how we ended up in Atlantic City, NJ one long weekend in October...a hotel room for $20 a night?  (A hotel that goes for $300-400 a night in season!). Sign me up!  So we travelled a lot...and our weekends were magical!  When we first started talking about living together we made a vow that we would not totally give up the weekends away.  This weekend was our first post- living together weekend away.     We talked about how the adjustment to living together had been smooth and how we are both feeling comfortable and happy with how things have settled....and how we wouldn’t change it for anything and how we would DIE if we had to go back to the old way, but we both talked about the ‘magic’ of those weekends away as our love for each other really grew in leaps and bounds.  Lots of parallels to weight loss for sure!

How so?  I look at the days when I was first losing the weight as ‘magical’. I was losing weight, I was excited,  I was in love with the progress and process.    But then changes in my life happened.  I ‘grew’, my focuses changed, my beliefs and attitude toward weight loss changed (I decided that deprivation is not sustainable for me and that I instead needed to find a balance.). I’m ok with where I’m at...I’m determined to make it happen again...in this method, even if it is slower.  Yet, I look back and sometimes long for those magical days.  And you know what? Just like we travelled a bit this weekend and enjoyed the good old ‘magic’,  I can sometimes revisit those days.  I can have a day...week or however long of ‘deprivation’ but the new ‘me’ is always waiting in the wings, just like us happily coming home to our cozy apartment and friendly cat was there for us, welcoming us with open arms.  

Yes, mertz was on her too perch when we got home...she looks angry here...but she softened after we both took a second to pet her!!!  

We had a nice weekend.  I got a run in on Saturday!  

It was slow but I was out there.  

And we got two bike rides in!!!

I woke up on Sunday so hungry...and I was just hungry all day long!   I struggled to figure it out. Why was I wanting to eat everything in site? No I didn’t eat everything in site...I just wanted to!  But I definitely ate more than my norm!!!  It wasn’t until I finished putting my food into myfitnesspal that I realized what had happened.  

Here is my food for the week.

See how bad Sunday was?

But then when I added in my exercise the lightbulb went off!

I burned way more calories than I ate according to myfitnesspal!  Do I believe it was that big of a deficit? No...but even if it wasn’t a deficit, my intake was too low!!

We had a scare on the way home.  We stopped at a 7-eleven for gas and go get a snack (ok to get ice cream sandwiches for dessert!!).  We were just running into the store for a minute or two so we just planned on watching the bikes, which were not locked up!  We got back into the car and got home.  We started to take the bikes off and immediately I realized something was amiss.  My bike handle bars are are always nestled behind Jason’s. But they were in front...even though I KNOW his bike had gone on first!  The unloading of the bike was just awkward and not right in some other minor ways.   And then I realized that all four clips on the wheel thingies were open and the bars had been adjusted.  The wheel thingy is the bars that the front wheel set in..tightly!  These clips are what adjusts the height of the bars so that different size tires can sit in the roof bike rack. 

Now, I’ve had this roof rack for many years!  I have NEVER had these clips/locks come undone...not ONCE!  And to have all four open and then be adjusted on the one side?  There is NO other answer other than the fact that someone had meddled with our bikes when we were in 7-Eleven!  Probably trying to steal them, but they just didn’t know how to get the bike off the bike rack!

Yes we were freaked out!!! We dodged that bullet and I’m happy to say that the bikes are safe and sound in their bedroom (aka the den).

The only other news is that the dining room got some shelves along the walls for dollhouses and storage.   

The top of the shelf (the empty one) will very soon have the hermit crabs resting on it....we don’t like them in the bike bedroom.

And the road bike on the trainer has moved to the bike bedroom!

Yup...there are the crabs in the bike bedroom!

I have set my alarm for 30 minutes earlier tomorrow morning.  I’m going to attempt to go for a short run before my shower.  I am as prepared as possible...my clothes for my run and for work are laid out as are my running shoes, run buddy and headphones (on the window seat).

Wish me luck...I am afraid I’ll say ‘what the heck, and go back to sleep!”   (The normal alarm is  still set to go off!)

Victory amidst the failure

I feel empowered today. I feel like I’m actually doing something for myself. It’s actually a really nice feeling. In saying I’m empowered I mean to say that I actually feel in control of my addiction this week. I’m not out of control. That’s not to say the week wasn’t without its slip ups and failures. But that said that doesn’t mean that my week is without victory.

When I first started thinking about this post, I was thinking of total failure except for one tiny little thing… But then I started to see the  sun  behind the clouds. There actually are victories within the failures. That is when I realized that we need to stop being so harsh on ourselves when we fall down. Not only are we learning lessons when we fall down, but sometimes there are still victories hidden within the pain of the failure.

Let’s start with a failure ....8000 steps a day. I nailed that goal on Monday. I got to work early enough to get that before work  walkaround the lake, and that was enough to add to my other break walks and allow me to easily make my goal.  Tuesday was rainy, but I did manage to walk inside the parking garage… And on one break when the rain cleared I even walked outside on the top deck of the parking garage. I even found a quarter, time, and Penny.



But even though I walked in the parking garage I only made it to about. 5000 steps. The sun was out on Wednesday and Thursday and I walked around 7000 steps both days. I walked ....I just didn’t make my step goal.  

Where is the victory in missing my goal? There’s a couple victories in there.  The first victory? On Tuesday when it rained, I still Walked. Do I like walking in the parking garage? Not exactly. But I made the best of it, and when I had a Wee little break in the rain drops I walked on the upper deck so I was close to cover should it start to pour!  I could have so easily given up, but I didn’t. I didn’t make my goal but I at least walked. In my book, that’s a victory.

There is another victory in my  step goal failure. So many times when I realize I’m not going to make my goal I give up. I throw my hands in the air and say I’ve already failed , why even try. I didn’t do that this week I kept walking even though I didn’t make my goal I kept walking. Can I say victory?

Time for another failure… My sweet treat eating criteria. I set a plan this week.  The plan was that I had certain to criteria that I had to meet before eating a sweet treat at night. One, my sweet treat could not take me over 1499 calories for the day and two, I had to walk  8000 steps for the day. On Monday I had no problem , I made the steps And I was under my calorie goal so the sweet treat went down the hatch, it felt great. Tuesday was that rainy day with 5k steps.  Failure alert!!!  I ate a piece of cake that night. I didn’t make my step goal on Wednesday either but I did not eat the cake and on Thursday I had a small cup of ice cream…even though I did not reach my step goal. Two of the four days were failures.

Victory alert… Two of those days were successes!

Another victory? On the days that I did indulge without earning, I chose smaller portions. End it even more important I did stay under that calorie goal on all four days.  Minor… Yes but a victory nonetheless.

The other victory amidst the failure? My weight...I’m down a pound from last week!

I have a three day weekend coming up...so I am worried about my weight this weekend...weekends are rough for me.   Hopefully we will be very active and I can keep my eating under control!!!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!!!!

Internal Dialogue

I am so strong in the morning!   I make all sorts of vows.  Stuff like , I will ride the bike (trainer) for  “6” hours when I get home.  I will never eat cake again.   I am going to do my push ups, and only eat fruits and veggies for the rest of my life!

Ok, maybe not that strong.....but this week I DID vow to ride the bike trainer 10-15 minutes.  

I also made a plan for when I could eat cake. 

I vow to run after work.

But, I am stronger in the mornings.   I wake up and I’m so determined and convinced I can ‘do it’.  I make my vows.  I make my plans!   But something happens throughout the work day.  And it’s an ugly something! 

Last night I saw a group of kids running and ‘training’ on the loop that I run here at our new place.   (girls on the run I believe).  I have loved running amongst the girls in races.  So last night I had a brief moment of thinking it would be cool to run in our place, throw on my running clothes and head out.  It was a brief moment!

I got inside after work, Jason wasn’t home yet.  PERFECT time for a ride on that bike trainer!   But no, I ate some cheetohs instead.  

Yesterday was rainy… So I didn’t get all of my walks in during my break. I did not make my step count for the day. According to my newly laid rules, no steps equal no cake/sweet treat. So when my dinner was over I sat there for a while because I didn’t earn my cake but then I started talking to myself in my head. And this is how the conversation went. You really didn’t have control over the rain and the ability to walk on your break! You did walk in the dreary parking garage during your first break and your lunch break, should that be rewarded? I think it should! I at least didn’t throw my hands up in the air and give up! Yes, my calories are in line so at least one of my criteria has been met totally and I tried for the other one… I do believe I deserve a piece of cake. Oh but I’m not supposed to have one because  I didn’t make the goal… So what about a Half piece of cake? That seems reasonable...one criteria met half of a piece....both criteria met a full piece! Splendid idea!

I ate the blasted cake… A small piece… But I ate it!
So now it’s the morning… And I’m vowing no cake tonight if both criteria are not met!   Oh and I am going to ride tonight… Famous last words right?

The only good news… Even without the bike, a run, and the extra steps… By weight dropped on the scales this morning! In fairness it could be just from my steps and activity from the weekend and Monday.

I know for me exercising in the morning is the easiest. I’ve known this for a long time. It is just not working with my schedule. And I am already exhausted when I get home, and I’m not going to bed all that late… So I hesitate to wake up any earlier. But maybe I have think about what’s more important in my life?

So what is the most important thing in my life? Number one for sure, It’s Jason. Before I met him I didn’t worry about how I was going to age. But now that he’s in my life all of a sudden I’m concerned about aging gracefully… I’m not talking about looks although that would be nice also. I’m talking about not needing a walker or a cane or even a wheelchair as I get older.  I’m talking about being able to be on a bike when I’m 60 or 70… To be able to hike a mountain when I’m 80… To go to an amusement park and enjoy the ride at age 90. And who knows maybe skiing at 100. There are no certainties in life. I could live the most healthy life style and still die young. But healthy lifestyle can definitely have a positive effect on how I live out my older years.  And I want every second of time I can get with Jason!   And I want those moments to be active and energetic!

I have plenty of motivation.. I just need to garner that motivation in the evening. I guess I should sit back and say at least I didn’t just eat the cake without thinking last night, there was a huge internal dialogue. Can I take that is progress?

Wiped Out

We had a very low-key weekend. We got some bad news that Really  just put a damper on everything.

The sun finally came out on Sunday. And we did manage to get outside on our bikes. We went to the Canal. It was wet muddy but it was fun. We rode about 10 to 15 miles and got to see a lot of parking lots and roads flooded… Not to mention the river really really high. The pollen was horrible, and we paid the price all afternoon after our ride with sinus pressure and headaches and itchy eyes. Regardless, it was good to get outside and I would do it again in a heartbeat even knowing the allergy problems.

It was a good ride...much better than my earlier rides this year...which blows my mind because it’s been a month since those rides....I guess the week of lots of steps helped!

 Even more bothersome this weekend was the arthritis in my knee. Granted the weather changing affects it for sure but I can look at my weight and know that I am at the point where my weight really starts to affect the arthritis. I have to do something because I know how debilitating arthritis can be.

As I mentioned on Friday, my weight hasn’t budged and is hovering at a number that I do not like.

So what is my plan????   8000 steps a day is the first thing.   The weather is supposed to be clearing up a little bit (only one day of rain forecasted.) So there is no excuse to not walk at work. If I walk both brakes and my lunch I can come very close to my step count… I will still need to push it at home a little bit but it’s more doable for me.  Why is this important?  Well it’s activity in an otherwise sedentary work day.  Secondly it makes a difference in my fitness...small efforts add up!  But also...arthritis is helped by activity.  It’s hard though because it hurts...but I know it helps!!

Another thing is the Sweet treats. I’ve written this paragraph a couple times. Part of me says I need to give it up totally. So I write the paragraph that way. But then I think about how unsustainable that will be in the long run, and I delete paragraph. I really am going back-and-forth. I hesitate to even write this paragraph. I know the other week I was still losing weight when I was walking a lot and I was still eating sweets.  There has to be a happy medium. Life can’t be all lettuce and celery.    So I’m going to leave the sweet treats up in the air.   What I AM going to say is this....two rules for dessert.   

1.  I’m not aiming for about 1400ish  calories a day.  If I can fit the cake into the food budget then it’s a go...

And 

2.  If I’ve made my 8000 steps for the day!  

Otherwise...nope!!!  Hmm and my mind is looking for a loophole....can I bank steps???  Hahahaha. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!!!

And the last thing, work on continuing to track my food!!!

Additionally, I am going to try to add in the bike trainer and or some runs in the evening.  Those are hard because I’m soooo tired when I get home.  So those are extras!!

Small but Mighty

First and foremost, let me get my weekly official weigh in out of the way.   I’m not exactly happy....and I’m not exactly upset.   Why?  I maintained.   Ok, part of me is angry because I ate almost exactly what I ate last week...and last week I lost!   But part of me is ok because the rain that we have had constantly this week has kept me from walking on my breaks.  So a mixed bag of emotions!  

So where am I?   Ready to make a change!  And they don’t have to be huge changes.  Small does the trick nicely!

My maintain this week on the scales as compared to my loss last week emphasizes that the Changes does not have to be huge!   My eating remained the same...the only thing that changed was walking on my breaks versus sitting on my behind!   Small change...big difference in my results!

So the first  SMALL change?   I can walk in the parking garage even with rain!!!!  Back to walking at least some of my breaks! (And hopefully the sun will return so I can walk around the lake again...although the forecast doesn’t look all that great!)

Another SMALL change I can make?  10-15 minutes on my bike (the one with the bike trainer) a day or even a couple times a week...that’s not a big commitment....but I’m the grand scheme of things I can reap huge results!   Not just in terms of weight loss, but also in terms of my endurance while biking!!!   That is going to be huge very soon because ASAP we plan on upgrading my bike to up the level of trails I can attempt on my bike!  

Small changes...mighty results!!!

Reasons to push forward

Isn’t it crazy how our minds work?

On Monday I was gung ho and the scales were looking good, things were fantastic.  I was able to eat and stay in budget and close  to plan.   I was in budget with my calories and I was really close to my step count for the day. 

On Tuesday I woke up and my weight was up.  It was back to where it was on Friday, so technically I have not had a gain for the week. But the mind plays some nasty nasty tricks. I have talked about the mini me that sits on my shoulder before. It’s the voice in my head that tells me that I suck at running, it’s the voice in my head that tells me to eat chocolate, it’s the voice in my head that sends me on a nose dive off the cliff into unhealthiness.

So yesterday morning my weight was up and I was bummed out but I moved on with my day, and my normal plans for food. Traffic was horrendous, so I did not make it to work in time to walk. But I walked on my first break! And then I crashed between the first break and my lunch break.  I literally crashed and burned. I was tired.  I couldn’t focus. I was just feeling really punkish. I knew I had to do something… So I planned to swing by a store during my walk to get a caffeinated drink. All was still good, I was going to eat my fruits and vegetables and I was still going to walk. And then the mini me arrived. Oh she arrived,  did she ever! What did she say? “Your weight is already up, you may as well eat like a pig today and just start tomorrow.”  Boy was she Screaming!

Did I listen to her words? Sadly yes… To an extent. I did not eat the cupcake from the cupcake store.  I did not get macaroni and cheese with extra cheese from potbelly. I did not stock up on candy from the candy store. I did however go to the cafeteria and get a chicken sandwich which I ate with the banana from my lunch. I passed on the chips, which is a victory. But in fairness I will admit that I got a three musketeers bar also. The food/sugar made a huge difference in my afternoon. I didn’t feel so brain-dead, I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out from exhaustion, and I lost that feeling like I was going to cry.  So in fairness it may have been a wise choice.

Oh and in case you missed it… I went to the cafeteria for lunch… That means there was no walk. I did walk on my last break though. I was pretty much confined to the house last night due to some pretty vicious storms that ripped through my county/town. 7 inches of rain in two hours is a fair amount of rain. We  weathered the storm just fine. (There was a storm the night before that had us under tornado  warnings/watch, but that storm was fast moving so it did not dump as much rain on us.)

It is what it is. I’m OK with the decision I made to eat a larger lunch yesterday. I’m OK, but bummed by the continued higher weight on the scale… I was pretty much the same weight today that I was yesterday morning.

So today’s mission is to ignore the voice of my mini me as she tells me that I need cookies and cake and candy while I am at work. My weight is up…this weigh is the highest I have been in a while, but that is not reason to give up and “start tomorrow. “

That said, I was thinking last night on my drive home. I was thinking about where life is, where I think life is going, and where I want life to be in future years. I need to keep my future, my goals, my hopes,  my dreams first and foremost in my mind. There is so much I want to do and so much that can conceivably happened, amazing things. I don’t want to face life and my future at this weight… I want to face these things at a much lower weight. They will still happen at the higher weight, most likely… I’ve always tried to not let my weight hinder me. But if I want to be the best me as life moves forward I need to get my weight under control.

So I’m going to throw it out there right now… I am probably not going to reach my step goal this week… It is supposed to rain through Saturday night Sunday morning. That will hinder my break and lunch. I’m not giving up, But I am saying inclement weather is out of my control.

Meanwhile, the arthritis is kicking! The weather is playing a number on my knee… OK maybe my weight is playing a factor on it also. Just one more reason to get this fixed!

The tortoise

Monday morning has arrived! I could have used one or two more days of the weekend. But alas, I have to work to make a living ....

I was able to maintain a somewhat steady diet this weekend. And by diet I mean food intake. I did not go crazy but I was not militant in my eating over the past weekend. I did not feel deprived, I was not hungry, and in fact I felt good because I was in control. It was more of exactly what I am doing during the work week. And that is eating lighter during the day; mostly fruits and vegetables, and then having a full meal at dinner. And those full meals are not crazy but they are not rabbit food. For example Friday night I had pizza and wings; Saturday night I had a sub, chips  and pasta salad; alast night I had a burger, pasta salad and baked Parmesan zucchini. All three nights I had some sort of dessert also. Is it perfect for me to eat the bulk of my calories in one meal? Probably not. Is it healthy for me to eat a sweet treat every evening? Probably not. Is it working for me right now? Yes. Yes, it is working.

Over the past week I have weighed  myself just about every day. And I have been delighted to see my weight drop every day. It is it not dropping by mad numbers, meaning I am not dropping a pound a day… I’m dropping maybe 2/10 of a pound each day give or take. That may only be 1 pound a week, but I am OK with slow and steady. Especially knowing that I am eating in a way that is sustainable. In essence I am having my cake and eating it too. I’m just eating superhealthy during the day to account for my cake (or whatever sweet treat I have).  I’m budgeting my food wisely.

I am sure there are people that will read this blog post and cringe at the fact that I’m claiming to be healthy (healthier) and eating cake. But that is where I go back to the many posts I have written that talk about how this is an individual journey and what works for me may not be what works for someone. It also goes  back to other posts that talk about how what works for you one week may not work for you at a different stage in your journey. And one more blast from the past that I’ve written about that is important is how this journey encompasses everything, eating exercise, and how it is  very emotional and mental. For me… right now… Where I sit in my life, this is working.

Changing my fit bit goal from 10 K steps down to 8K steps was inspired. On Friday I did my walking at work  and it was so rewarding to have that go off in celebration of my goal. It is rainy and overcast today so I’m not sure how much walking outside I’ll be able to do at work… But I am aiming for that 8000 steps. We had a lazy quiet weekend of relaxing and just chilling out at home… So sadly I did not make my steps for the weekend, but I think we both needed a weekend of doing the bare minimum.

Exercise is still spotty…Walking 8K steps a day was pretty much my exercise last week. I’m hoping to beef that up… I have goals I have plans I have the equipment.

So how did I do on my goals for last week? I reached my step goal… I did not track my food yesterday… Unless I go back and do it today. But in the grand scheme of things, I did at least keep myself under control on those two weekend days I did not track.

Goals for this week…

1. Track every day including the weekend.

2.  Hit 8000 steps a day for my work week. 40,000 steps in the next five days.

3. Be active over the weekend… Riding bikes going for a run, Lots of steps… It doesn’t matter something active.

4. Keep losing weight. Anything less than 249.6!!!  Although my official Friday weight was 251.4 so technically anything under 251.4 on Friday is a win.

Small steps. Nothing drastic. Easy attainable goals. Sustainable for my lifestyle. Slow  but long-term rewards.

Sustainable

I have spent some time thinking about where I’m at.  I’ve spent some time really thinking about where I want to go. I’ve spent some time thinking about what I want my life to look like....... and I made some goals for my week.   And as I worked through my week I made some more discoveries.  So let’s first look at where I want to be and what I want my life to look like. 

Fun geese watching me walk!

First and foremost I want to be healthy....if ‘fat’ is healthy then fat it will be...but I know that ‘fat is not healthy so for the simplicity of writing I will say that I want to be thin.  

But most importantly I want to live a life that is sustainable.  Deprivation isn’t going to work for me....yeah I can say I’ll never have a piece of cake again....but that is not sustainable...because I like cake and I will eventually have a piece.  And if it’s been a taboo food (aka something I’ve deprived myself of) then I will probably cave and eat a lot of cake and lose control.  (This has been proven!!! I deprived myself and then had wedding cake...and that was the start of my weight gain.)

Sustainable and healthy.   Sounds easy right???

So my goals for this week...simple and Easy. Keep my step count high track my food and keep my calories low.

I discovered something about myself with goals and challenges...

 I have been wearing a fitbit for a year and a half.  I have gone through stages where it was awesome and I was checking it constantly.  I have also gone through some stages where I barely looked at my step count, even though I consistently wear it. (Hey, I like the text and call notification on my wrist.)    This week I decided that I was going to aim for 40,000 steps for the weekdays.  I know that on my weekdays I haven’t hit 10K steps in a LONG time.  So I wanted to give myself a bit of wiggle room by saying 40K steps instead of the 10K steps a day equaling 50,000 steps for the time frame.  It turns out that with 40k steps that  I would be aiming for 8 K steps each day.  Monday was easy as I was off work and I rolled through my steps easily (I employed the folding laundry trick.  I put the basket on the couch and folded my clothes and put each article of clothing away one at a time.  So fold a shirt, walk it to the drawer in the bedroom then back to the living room for the next shirt to fold….hey it added about 1500 steps for each load of laundry!)   Tuesday rolled around and back to work.  I walked on my breaks and I walked during my lunch.  I was determined to make it to 7K steps by the time I walked into the door of my house.  Yeah, I didn’t make it……and I didn’t make the 8K steps for the day either.  I was 349 steps short.    But on Wednesday I was determined.  This was my day!  I was going to annihilate the 8,000 steps!   And that’s when I realized.  10K steps may be the recommended amount….but for me right now, where I am at this moment, 10K steps is not a valid goal for me.  I see it as mostly unattainable.   But 8K steps?  That is attainable for me….(walking every second of my work breaks…and walking in place in the elevators……and doing as much stuff like that  during my desk job work day).  It’s a stretch, but it’s attainable….and because I see it as attainable, it is a game to me.  It’s a challenge…and I’m ready to roll with it.  As of right now on Friday morning I have about 4000 steps left  to make that goal… Totally attainable.

But as I worked on this challenge this week I discovered something different about myself. I’ve always known I work well with challenges.  I like to beat my own personal time I love to win a race or a game, it really does motivate. But this week I realized that it overwhelms my life. I’ve become absolutely obsessed with beating my challenge. That’s not a bad thing in the grand scheme of things.  That’s actually a positive in some regards. The negative comes in when I let myself get so keyed up about missing a step or not walking that extra distance. For example, I was driving to work the other morning and a van pulled out in front of me. And he drove so slow! My anger escalated. Even though I drive in D.C. rush hour traffic I’m pretty easy going and don’t anger easily, so this was abnormal.   (However, Don’t even get me started when lanes merge down and the people that are in one of the continuing lanes and decide to swerve into the lane that is ending thus causing them to have to merge right back in to the lane they just left… Oh wow did that three car lengths that you gained really get you there faster… Because it just slowed everybody else down! I hate those people… And if you do that,  don’t tell me because I don’t want to hate you either. OK I don’t hate the people I hate the action.) so anger at this white van… What kept going through my mind was that his slow driving was cutting into my walking time in the morning before work. Every second was taking one step off of my Fitbit. That’s reaction was a little extreme over a few steps… And no I didn’t yell or cuss them out  or flip them off or anything like that,  I just silently fumed.  On my breaks I walked and I tried to time it perfectly so that I got back to my desk right when I needed to be there.  But,  if I didn’t time the elevator right and ended up at my desk on or two or heaven forbid 3 minutes early I sat there and fumed because I just wasted a minute or two of walking.  How many steps did I lose! I didn’t like those moments of anger that coursed through me.  I don’t want to be obsessed. I guess that goes back into my goals and thoughts about where I want to be in where I am… Obsession is not sustainable.


So what is the take away from my Fitbit experience this week. I am absolutely positive that I will reach my goal of 40,000 steps this week. I have 4198 steps to take today. That’s doable even if I skip one of my walks on a break, I won’t have to walk in place in the elevators for the bathrooms while I wait for a stall, I won’t have to take extra loops at warp speed around the block to get extra steps on my lunch break. I may not even have to walk before work, if I get there in time. So I’m comfortable for today. (I do plan on walking on all my breaks  and even before work just because it’s good for me and healthy to boot.). And I will be looking to see if I can change my fit bit goal to 8000 steps a day. 8000 is doable for me with a little push. So if I slack I won’t feel that celebration go off on my wrist(My fit bit Alta vibrates and the display shows fireworks when I reach my goal.) I went for many many months and didn’t reach 10,000 steps and when I finally did that goal vibration blew my mom because I forgot what it feels like to be successful. I’m not sure I can change it… But I’m gonna try. Eventually I would like to move it back to 10,000 steps… But for right now 8000 is perfect For me.

 

Tracking:   I fall apart during the weekends.  Really.  I don’t track, I eat more poorly.  I eat more.  I eat more often.  And my weekends ALWAYS show me up on the scales.  My work weeks seem to be doing pretty good.  I’m slowly dropping weight during the work week…only to have the weekends wipe my progress away.  Yeah, it’s a vicious cycle.  So a few changes are going into effect. 

1.        My official weigh in day will now be Friday.  I’m doing this because I want to see the efforts of my week…and I want that tidal wave of pride to carry me through the weekend.

2.       Tracking…I track during the work week but tend to ‘forget’ on the weekends.  That is stopping!

3.       Lunches on the weekend will more closely resemble the weekday lunches as much as possible.  That means lunches will be mostly fruits and veggies…..if possible.  (If not possible, I better ‘earn’ the calories through some awesome exercise to account for the extra food I eat!

 

It’s Friday and I have weighed every day, and every day of the week day I have seen my weight drop just a little. I’m on the right track!

Arsenal

A few days ago we were talking about exercise and health and I opened my trunk...to reveal some of my exercise goodies.  Part of me was shocked at how much I really do have.

So let’s take a look at my arsenal of exercise equipment and what I’ve gathered...and some of my favoritenproducts!

First and foremost...running.

I run in ASICS cummulous running shoes.  With the pronation of my feet, these shoes are good for me. I use Aftershox wireless bone conducting headphones (love love love) .  These are awesome for me, ear buds just seem to never work for me, they won't stay in my ears!  The bone conduction headphones lay near my ears, but not in them.  I can hear the music perfectly, but I also can hear the noises around me...important while I'm out running.   I  carry my phone in my run buddy pack.  (Love love love). The run buddy is a pouch with a pocket (two pockets actually) and a flap.  The flap goes into the waistband of your pants and the pocket section on the outside of your pants.  strong magnets in the flap and in the pouch area connect and hold everything in place.  I recommend the run buddy to everyone!  I top it with a hat.

I’ll stop here and say that I have a ton of hats.

I love my hats for exercise.  They are good because they are memories of places I’ve been.  But they serve a few other functions.  First, they keep my hair from slipping out of the braid/ponytail holder and being totally unruly!  Secondly they keep the sweat from dripping down my face as they wick the sweat into the hat.  (Gross I know...and yes I have to wash them!). Thirdly it helps contain the weather.  Blocks me from the sun and protects my face from rain.   A win win...win win!

Next in my arsenal?  

Hiking is awesome exercise!!!  As you can see I hike in Salomon.  I have a full boot..typically recommended for backpackers...but perfect for someone with weak ankles and feet problems!   I can say that my ankles have NEVER rolled while hiking...but it's a common occurrence when I'm out walking in regular shoes.

Tennis shoes...just as important as running shoes and hiking boots....as I learned this past weekend...good shoes are very important to not feeling so achy after being on my feet for a long time!!

ASICS work well for my feet. I have spent countless hours (for real) trying on shoes...both for casual and for running....it always ends up being ASICS that I buy.   For my casual shoes I have to admit that what I buy is driven by price. I stick with ASICS, but as for style and color I am totally price motivated.   I know that's bad but hey...it’s worked for me this far!!

Working in conjunction those previous things...I have the Fitbit Alta to monitor my steps.  It’s on my wrist all the time...I do have an aftermarket replacement band....

Next?

My road bike.   Currently my bike is mounted on a bike trainer in the corner of what is supposed to be the dining room (if we only had a dining room table...not that we would eat at it anyway).  This is a Litespeed Vela road bike.  The trainer...something I picked up at Aldi’s!  It works great!    And of course my bike shoes beside my road bike.....because yes, I do have clipped pedals on my road bike.

I may as well talk about my other bike next.

This is a Trek Navigator.  I bought this when I was at my highest weight and it has carried me well over the last many many years.  It’s in great shape and runs smooth...even after 15-17 years of use.  I still use it...but I have outgrown it in terms of what I can do with it and where I want to ride.   We are saving for a mountain bike for me...I would LOVE a Santa Cruz to match Jason's.....but well...my budget most likely won't allow that, unless a fabulous deal falls into my lap.   When a mountain bike is purchased for me,  the trek will become the bike on the trainer and that will make it easier for both of us to use.  It will also be the bike we grab for a quick jaunt down to the grocery store for that 'man we need' this purchase!  (Why this bike?  If it's stolen it can be replaced at a much more reasonable price than Jason's bike and probably whatever I buy.)

We do have safety equipment... helmets!  A full face helmet (the chin guard is not attached at the moment) and a 'regular' helmet.

A few years back I picked up a stair stepper/lateral thigh trainer...used.  I think I paid five bucks for it.  When I use it, my legs feel like jello!

Yes, we drink a lot of bottled water!

Next in my pile of exercise stuff....and now we get into the lessor used stuff...but maybe these things will make a resurgence!!

I have two exercise balls...one is not pumped and I just pumped this one a few days ago.  I know the exercises work...I’ve had the muscle aches to prove it!!

I have wrist weight, and leg weights, weighted ball, somewhere (they seem to be missing at the moment) I have Zumba toning sticks,  a roller for a push up/plank type exercise and just in case...I have a yoga mat.

Resistance bands anyone?  Some still in the box unused!!!

And last, I have a collection of exercise videos!  

I have no excuse to not exercise do I???

So what’s in your arsenal???

Back to Monday

The weekend had come and gone!  Boo!!!  Well I can’t boo boo you much.  I’m still off work today!

I spent my Friday day off with my mom. We had a good time together and I got some errands done.

On Saturday Jason  and I went to the  Catoctin Zoo .  We sunk the money for an annual pass.  It’s a nice place to get out and walk!  It’s small but it’s still a cool place.  

We ran a few errands and then went home.   

My legs and feet were SOOO sore!  They ached fiercely!   When I was able to think more clearly about it, I realized that new tennis shoes have been on the agenda for a while...but I’ve been delaying.  My tennis shoes were old...like a year and 5 months old!   They still look decent...but the innards were obviously shot! Shoes skyrocketed to the top of the list of things to get!

On Sunday we went down into Virginia.  We hit up the Tyson’s Corner REI.   We had some member dividends to use.   We used them to buy knee and elbow pads for Jason. He will be safer now when he rides his mountain bike!    We hit up lunch at a pizza joint to get our all time favorite pizza (guess what is for dinner tonight...leftovers!!). And on the way back through Leesburg we went into the outlets to the ASICS store.  My feet do well with ASICS.  So I stick with them.   I found a pair...budget friendly.  :-)

This morning after Jason grudgingly left for work I cleaned the house and headed out for a run.  I was in my good running shoes but my legs and feet didn’t fair well....the many miles on icky shoes this weekend wreaked their havoc.  But that’s ok...I’ve fixed the problem.

I’m showered, I’ve checked and updated my budget/finances and soon  I’m heading out for a few errands and lunch.   And then home to relax...maybe a walk this afternoon. 

So while we were active this weekend...my weight showed higher today.   It is so frustrating!!!  Now in fairness...the monthly ick should be arriving soon...and I woke up dying of thirst.  Both of those things on their own usually mean the scales will be up.   But let’s be honest.   My weekend eating is not on point.  I do pretty good during the week/workdays....but weekends I fall apart.    I usually track weekdays...and no on weekends.  Weekends right now are my Achilles heel...and I will be working on that.   As I struggled throoug my run I made the vow to myself to fix it!!!  Some ideas are floating in my head.   I can do this!!!!

Small changes.....

I managed to walk on every break and each lunch through the end of my work week!  Go me!  (Yup...I’m off work today, Friday!)

I even saw turtles sunning themselves on the edge of the lake (I didn’t know the lake outside of work had turtles)!   And I saw a whole gaggle I’d baby geese!

There were a few more that were outside my camera shot!  That’s a lot of young babies with the two adult geese!

My evening runs have been a bit lacking.  Ok...more than a bit lacking...totally absent!  I plan on getting out there on the weekend!   I knew when I started that weekends were going to be my running days and if I was lucky I would get a weekday run in.

I did two nights of push ups and planks.  The last night my upper body...who knows what the area is called...front of my body...below my shoulders...above my breasts......oh my word, sooooo sore!   But it’s time to do them again!!!   My upper body had always been mostly ignored...and while I know push ups are not all that all encompassing, they are better than nothing!

I have also been trying to be more ‘engage muscles’ while at work.  I’m not doing all of these, but it’s giving me ideas.

I am also going back to some old weight watchers advice from when I was going to weight watchers.   Bracing!  Holding your stomach in...engaged those core muscles.  

Small changes can lead to big changes!

My weight was down this morning.  Woohoo!  So my weekday routine that I have going is working.   Now I have to make it through my weekend...and a four day one for me!

Today I am spending the day with my mom...so I’m sure we will go to to lunch and I also have to grocery shop.   The Saturday and Sunday plans for Jason and I include a tentative trip to the Catoctin Zoo and Wildlife Park and then we also want to drive into Virginia to our favorite pizza joint (beat ever pizza) and then go to REI...he has his member rewards to use and he is going to buy knee and elbow pads to use while he is out there on his mountain bike jumping and being crazy....a bit of extra protection....and I am 100% behind him being safe!

Warmth,sunshine and happiness!

Weigh in results....I maintained.   That’s ok.  I’m figuring out where I am...my exercise...my food...my routine.  A maintain is a victory this week! Ok it’s a victory mostly because I was showing a pound or two higher a few days ago!!

I’m choosing healthier options...and while I’m still having cake/sweet treats, it is more managed...limited and better portions! 

The weather has turned gorgeous!!!  So I walked in my lunch break yesterday!

It’s even nicer today...so I walked already on my first break!!

I brought comfortable shoes though so that I don’t have a repeat of the sandal blister fiasco that I had a few weeks back!!!

And yes...a lunch time walk too...

And I plan on coming out on my last break too!  

I’m not perfect....but I’m working on myself.  Slowly but surely...and this time in a way that will last me a lifetime!!!!

Welcome Back Old “Friend”

I’ve been thinking about sustainability and longevity in my weight loss journey.  I know I have weight to lose.  It’s no secret. And I desperately want to lose it.....but I’m starting to have some views that are divergent from where they have been for years.

Let me start by saying that I KNOW that I have to restrict and manage my food intake.  That is NOT in debate.

But....I’m thinking that I need to focus more on a healthy lifestyle.  A healthy lifestyle includes eating nutritious meals.  It includes not eating three pieces of cake.  It includes the food portion of what is considered the diet portion of weight loss.   But I am shifting.  I’m shifting to thinking that my focus really needs to be more on the physical aspect of this lifestyle.   Moving!!!  Making my body stronger.   Being active.

Once again...weight is lost in the kitchen not the gym.  I know that.  But let’s also say that deprivation doesn’t work for me...at all!   So let’s look at this realistically....  weight loss really is as simple as calories in versus calories out.  It’s having a good exercise budget.    So, one piece of chocolate cake and chocolate icing according to MyFitnessPal is around 235 calories.   22 minutes of running (12 minutes mile) is guess what?  235 calories (at whatever weight I currently have listed on myfitnesspal...).  I like cake....22 minutes seems a decent trade off to me.   

And yes yesterday I did run ..I did eat cake...and I DID have a nutritious dinner with lots of healthy foods to fuel my body!

I am trying to remember to track all of my food on my fitness pal. So I’m not totally walking away from the “diet“ mentality. I know that that is still important for me. 

I just realize that as I get older I need to be working on making my body strong in a time where my body naturally is going to weaken much more week.

So as my last post on Saturday indicated… I went for a run. The run portion was 1 mile. That is 1 mile of running with no stops or walking… Consistent movement at the same speed. I felt pretty good actually, slow but good.

On Sunday morning I repeated the run.

 A walking warm up and cool down and 1 mile of running with no stops or walks. I was one minute faster. And boy oh boy this one made me more sore and achy. Sunday afternoon we spent a lot of time outside walking and moving ...downtown Frederick and In and old graveyard....just about 6 or 7 miles. 

By the time we got home in the early evening hours, my body ache so bad. I could feel my muscles aching and I was just whipped.

Even exhausted and tired and achy I managed to pull off my first night of push-ups and planks. In a conversation earlier in the week we were discussing upper body strength versus lower body strength. My lower body has typically always been very strong and my upper body typically week.   So we challenged ourselves to push-ups daily. I threw in planks because core strength is important with riding a bike with my back issues… OK and with so much more. I’m not proud of how many push-ups I could do… Or rather couldn’t do. They were not pretty by any means. But consistency will clean them up and add to how many I can do. We have to start somewhere, and I have my start.

So kicking it back into these healthier actions such as running, 6 miles of walking in the afternoon, push-ups and planks has made me welcome my old friend continual achiness. I know it will get easier… And when the pain goes away that means I need to step it up and run faster walk further add more push-ups…

Yeah, I kind a like the achiness.

The core and arm strength will help quite a bit on my road bike… Which honestly hurts so bad right now that I am not riding with my Road bike on the trainertrainer that much once again 10 minutes and I’m done. But I will grow that number. And it’s set up..so no excuses!!

I seriously need to get into good biking shape… We are hoping to have me on a good mountain bike by the end of summer. We love Jason’s Santa Cruz bike. But I doubt I will be able to spend that much money on a bike at this point. We will be scanning craigslist and crossing our fingers and hoping for a good deal on a used size medium bike. (A small could possibly work…) I have a few things that I want on a bike… I want full suspension and I want a dropper post for my seat… Because it’s just really cool. Yeah I’m not sure I’ll be riding such rough trails that I will need my seat up-and-down that much, but it’s cool! Jason has a few more things that he wants on my bike. And we are both insistent that it be a bike that is upgradable in case I out grow in skill the bike I buy.

Meanwhile Jason’s Santa Cruz is feeling a bit sick.

 He needs his rear shock rebuild… We dropped it off yesterday at the bicycle hospital a.k.a. the bike shop.

So the next few weeks will be spending hiking/walking and dreaming about our next bike ride together!

I’ve got this!  I can do it!!  Healthy is the new mission!!!!

This is it

Happy Saturday...not sure yet what our plans are for the day...but I’m having a nice relaxing morning.

Well...not totally relaxed.  I went out for a run.   I was determined to run for one mile straight with no stops and no walking.  And I accomplished my goal. Surprisingly it wasn’t too bad today!!!   It wasn’t fast...but I did it!  More of the same tomorrow!!!!  

A little hot and a lot red, but one mile complete!

This week I’ve been suffering from some acid reflux...in the middle of the night (early morning hours actually).  It is annoying, uncomfortable and well it scares me!  I don’t like to wake up with this phenomenon occurring.

So if it my weight?  Too much food late?  Too late? Wrong types of foods?    Last night I ate less food....and I didn’t have any problem.   Hopefully it is as simple as that!!!

Yesterday I set up my road bike on the bike trainer....and I rode for 10 minutes.  The road bike is brutal..and hurts.  But I’m determined..10 minutes for a while...longer in time!

Right or wrong

There is the right way, and there is the wrong way.  But when you talk about losing weight, there is no right or wrong way. What is right for one person is wrong or another. What is right one month may be wrong another month. I am still searching for the right way for me at this stage of my life.

So the negative… I’m not losing weight. The positive? I’m maintaining my weight quite handily. Well not maybe an exact victory that requires celebration, but I am choosing to take it as a positive.

Another positive in my life, I am eating much more healthier then in the last two years. I’m loving it too! It’s crazy how good steamed green beans are. It blows my mind how delicious zucchini really is. I got away from eating that way and I forgot how good those foods really are. My diet is not perfect by any means, but I’m actually eating foods that are fueling my body in a nutritious way.  (For the most part)

On Saturday we rode bikes on a local trail. I had a blast. Trail riding is a lot of fun! It will be more fun when I’m actually on a bike that is better suited to trail riding. That is in the works for sure… We have plans. The negative about Saturday’s ride? My endurance and  my ability to climb are at an all time low. I was breathing like a freight train and my legs were like jelly.

On Sunday we took a nice long walk on the canal. It was crazy how many people were out there. No real negative about that walk.  

 

So back to the right way in the wrong way. My fitness level… The last year was definitely the wrong way. The right way is for me to face the freight train breathing, the jelly like leg and achy muscles and fix it.

My brother reminded me on Sunday that the jelly like legs and the freight train breathing we’re not going to kill me and that I should not have walked up any of the inclines. What can I say, he was telling me the right way.

While we were out walking we saw a lady getting fabulous exercise on the bike… Until we looked closer. It was one of those motorized bicycles. I’m not going to judge her maybe she had a medical condition that kept her from paddling on the flat canal towpath. But I can’t help but shake my head at the lack of even trying to better your body. We laughed and talked about it and both agreed that right now, the right way for us is to pedal pedal pedal. No motors on a bicycle for us. That said, we both agreed that if there was a medical condition we would definitely consider getting something so that we could still be outside. Right and wrong ...different stages of Life.

Calorie wise, I’m actually not doing poorly. My downfall is the fact that I like to baking… A lot. This weekend I made a dingdong cake. I’m calling it dingdong delicious. It is reminiscent of those childhood ding dong‘s that we used to get. That is my downfall. And I actually did better last night with the cake. It was delicious and I wanted more of it so bad, but what I told myself was that there will be more cake. I don’t have to let my addiction get control of me. That means I don’t have to eat four pieces of cake because of its tastiness. One piece to satisfy myself and know that there will be more cake the next night and if for some reason there is not, I can easily make another one. And do you know what? I think that the dingdong cake was even more delicious because I did not shovel two or three pieces into my mouth. So in retrospect , I guess I can say that my food addiction… The one that keeps me shoveling food into my mouth because it’s so delicious, even long past when I’m full is actually detracting from the deliciousness of the food. Oh my! What a deep thought and other amazing epiphany I just had!!!

Let me repeat that for myself. I eat something delicious, and my addiction drives me to have more and more and more of it because I want that delicious  bubble/high to continue. But in reality the more I eat the worse it tastes. I already know that the high only lasts for the first couple bites… The addict in me is what keeps eating trying to regain that high even though I know it’s hopeless. But I never put two into together to realize that he’s number two of cake and pizza number three if you really lose there value in taste.

Blank Brain

Maintain.   That’s what his past week looks like on the scales. I would really like a loss...but I’m ok with a straight up maintain.  

I haven’t gotten an evening run in yet....but I’m hoping maybe tonight.   We shall see!!!  No promises!

We are still working on changing our lifestyle.  The sweet treats continue to be a problem....but well...we are working on it.  

The biggest issue we have is the fact that we forget!   We were making dinner the other night and all of a sudden I thought about the fact that we had...fresh veggies galore that were not being utilized.  We had sugar peas, Brussel sprouts, zucchini, carrots, broccoli....and who knows what else!   I debated...because I didn’t want to do the work.  But then I told myself...if we dont prepare them, they will rot and we will A. Not be healthy and B. Waste a chunk of money allowing that good organicpile of veggies to rot.   So I sautéed some zucchini.  Last night we steamed the snow peas.  We are working on it!!!

We are slowly trying to break habits and create new ones!!

No major words of wisdom today....maybe tomorrow since I tend to come up with my nuggets of wisdom when I run!  (If I can get a run in tonight!)

Up from the Ashes

What in the world to name this post.  Cobbled?  Hot Hobble? Chipmunks? Eiii Yiii Yii? Excuses?  Addiction Transference? Plans for fun? This morning as I was thinking about writing it, I thought of all of these and some more.    So many options...maybe while I actually write this post I'll come up with the perfect title.  Typically I don't title my posts to the end anyway...so who knows what will be the winner!

Excuses
I made a few vows that I would be running as soon as we moved.  Well, the first days were so brutal with the move that I didn't run..  Then  we struggled with exhaustion that first week....so I didn't run.  But I swore that week two was going to be the week!   It was cold!   Then one night I was driving home and there were some rain drops on the windshield!!!  Yes!  There were!  Then I didn't want to take time from my precious time with Jason one night.    But on Friday morning I sat at my desk at work and made the vow....that night FOR SURE.  Furthermore, I would run both mornings of the weekend! 

Yes!  I came up with a plan.  If I ran both mornings of the weekend...then to get my third run in for the week I would just need to run 1 time through the week.  Not perfect, but it could work!  I would make it work!    With my plan in place, I grinned when the clock showed that it was time for lunch.  The weather was FABULOUS and i was going to walk around the lake!  I grabbed my phone and my 'portable lunch'  (apple, oranges and some pretzels) and headed out.

Hot Hobble
Now let me say..the weather was amazing so I decided to wear a skirt...and i was so amazing that I grabbed sandals to wear to work.  Halfway around the lake and I knew that I had made a colossal mistake!  Hot spots on the balls of my feet AND on the sides of my feet.  What do you do at that point?  I was halfway around the lake???  Either way I went I had to walk.   I crossed my fingers.  I did some praying and I hobbled back to work.  My feet were so sore!  I knew that running was going to be sketchy!  After All, even barefoot I could barely walk!  No running for me on Friday night.

Saturday morning dawned and my right foot was pretty much better but the left one was still kicking.  No running for me on Saturday either. 

Plans for Fun

Saturday was not lost though.  We did our grocery shopping and then headed out on our bikes.  WOO HOO!  It was a much easier ride than last week!   It still 'hurt' a bit but the ride was quite pleasant.  As always, we talked quite a bit while we rode.  We talked about running in the evening versus morning. (he prefers me to ride in the evening as it is light versus the morning when it is still dark).  We talked about starting to walk a bit in the evenings also.  We also talked about a new bike purchase for me!  Now that sounds fun doesn't it????

Cobbled

Sunday morning came and I laid in bed.  I knew I had to start this running thing.. I dreaded it, but I knew that I needed to start it!   It was happening.  And then I thought about the fact that since my last time I ran, I switched phones!   I have NO music loaded onto my phone.  Cobble number one:  So I grabbed some free music player with free music for a quick fix.  Crisis averted.    Oh no!  I don't have mapmyfitness on my bike either  Cobble/fix number two:  A quick download and log in an I was set with that too.   I got dressed and grabbed my gear and stood at the door ready to go.  I slipped my headphones onto my head.   NOTHING!  Well duh!  Why would they be working after 9 plus months of sitting in the box?  Of course they would need recharged!!!  Cobble number three:  Luckily I had the earbuds that came with my new phone still in a box and even amidst a recent move, I knew where the box was!  I hate earbuds!  I had wired headphones.  But I used them!

Eiii Yiii Yii

Our apartment complex is on a road that is a loop.....it is a 1.21 mile loop.  And it was a brutal loop!  Surprisingly it was my feet that hurts....they just ached!  And yes, I count that 1.21 miles as a victory!

Chipmunks

So I said earlier that I cobbled together some music options for my run this morning.  I just grabbed some free music.  Well some were apparently 'covers'.  So while I did get to listen to twisted sister in all their 80's glory....I was forced to listen to P!nk's "Fun House"  done by what sounded like the chipmunks.  It was......interesting to say the least.


Victory

I did it though!  I ran!   I may even get a bike ride in today also!

Addiction Transference

I know that I have a food addiction.  I've known it for quite some time.   I know that I was beating that addiction back when I was losing all that weight.  And I know that in recent months and years that the addiction has been beating me.  I have been talking a lot in recent years about how I do not want to live like a 'Nazi' with no sweat treats....with no pizza...and no other foods that I love.  I want to find that healthy happy medium.   This morning it occurred to me that when I was 'winning' at the weight loss , I really wasn't really winning, I had just transferred that addiction.  My new addiction at that time?  I was totally addicted to that caloric budget.  I felt 'high' and on top of the world when I was winning that war.    I was addicted to the weight loss regime.  And when I lost the battle and that weight loss regime wasn't 'doing it' for me, I went right back to the original addiction of food.  Hand in hand but still addictions.  Some people get addicted to exercise (our neighbor runs ALL the time....at least so it seems,) some people take pills, others drink alcohol,etc)   I am addicted to food...and apparently I can transfer that addiction to the 'diet regime'.  But I don't want either addiction....I want the happy medium. 

And yes, that might mean that I ride a bike like a mad woman for 3 hours so I can enjoy that delicious pizza....or cake...or whatever.  But it's a FUN ride that I would be doing anyway....and it's food that I enjoy.  It's balance and moderation...not riding 6 hours and then eating a dry piece of lettuce.  Not eating a dry piece of lettuce and then moaning about the outrageous calories I just ate.   Balance!


So how to sum up this post with a singular title?  Wow....Chipmunks still makes me laugh, but that is just one teeny tiny aspect of this post.  Hmmmm.....I think I have it.  Up from the ashes!  As low as I was this week in a previous post....I have pulled myself together and I am rising like a phoenix from the ashes!

Tub of Lard

Warning!!!  Embarrassing post alert!!

I sat at my desk yesterday while at work and beat myself up. There was some real self hatred going on. To sum it up, I’m not happy with my weight at all. Yet I can’t seem to get control of this addiction.

I had the revelations on Sunday   Yes the ones I spoke about in my last post. The revelations were about how far my fitness level has dropped. And while that did play a factor into my thinking yesterday, that still wasn’t the reason I was filled with self-hatred. OK at least not the main reason.

On Tuesday I noticed that my pants waist band/button had rubbed my overhanging stomach again. I’ve talked about this in the past.  It’s  embarrassing. Very embarrassing. I had a Band-Aid covering it yesterday but it was still very sensitive. I felt poured into my clothes.

You know, I have this weird weird sense inside me that if I just suck in my gut that  I won’t look fat. But yesterday nothing I did, no matter how tight I sucked in my gut made me feel presentable to the world. Now before we go on, I know that I’m overweight and I know that just sucking my gut in like that and doesn’t hide my true weight. But it makes me feel better.  But not yesterday.  I feel as if I have crossed the line, some invisible line where I feel yuh of lard...even when my gut is sucked!

Oh and as I mentioned earlier, I’m struggling to gain any control over myself. I feel so out of control.

And so it’s been a week of revelations and epiphanies. And they haven’t been good ones. 

So what have I done? This week I have started tracking my food. I haven’t eliminated the cookies, but I have drastically limited them (one cookie a day).  And my calories aren’t perfect but I am trying. I am also weighing myself every day… Or at least trying to remember to. I know that when I was losing those were two habits that I kept.

We are eating more vegetables and  fruits, and I still am planning on re-commencing with running. We have also talked about taking walks in the evening together. Honestly my biggest deterrent from running in the evening is that it takes time away from my time with Jason.  Yeah I’m sappy.

So rough week of a lot of revelations that I did not like. I’m not promising that this week is going to be different or next week is going to be different. I have an addiction. And while I know that ultimately I am in control, I know that a lot of times this food addiction controls me.  My goals for this week track and weigh.   Baby steps and I will gain control!