Epiphany (isn't that just such a fun word???)

Yesterday I had an epiphany. It's not willpower so much as just total focus and planning. If I'm prepared focused and ready I can plan and think about eventualities.  This happened last night and it felt good to not just go crazy. I left zumba and I was HUNGRY.  I had to swing by a grocery store.  The last half of Zumba I DREAMED about just picking up a deli sandwich and chowing down on it during the drive home.  I got to the store and I looked at the pre-packaged deli sandwiches.  500 calories for one sandwich. (ok 490 but I thought it would be easier to round up...my bad)  I had the calories in my budget for that sandwich (even without touching my zumba earned calories) but I knew that the sandwich would not be enough.  I thought about adding a prepackaged salad for 170 calories (so tempted to round up to 200...lol) but then I was like, NO, I have food at home.  I walked away.  But I knew that the process of making my planned dinner (grilled cheese and tomato soup) would be problematic because I was so hungry, it would be so tempting to eat a piece of buttered bread, extra cheese, a nibble of that raspberry cobbler.  In fact, it would be tempting to just eat the rest of the cobbler (about 3-4 servings) in lieu of dinner (OK who am I fooling.....WITH dinner).  So knowing that I was about out of Sargento Colby Jack cheese sticks, I purchased another pack at the store.  I got in the car and had one on way home.  It curbed the hunger and allowed me to effectively make dinner without gnawing the cabinet doors off the wall!  I actually had planned in my calories yesterday to allow for a piece of cobbler.  I was full after dinner and didn't bother with it!   THAT is just me listening to my body.

My knee made it through zumba. It was stiff and sore and some songs about brought me to my knees with pain. But I made it through and honestly, at the end it felt more limber and loose and better. So I am thinking it is a seized muscle (happened to a muscle in my back a few years ago). I went home and put the heating pad on it trying to keep it limber (if possible).


I have a great friend.  I met her during weight watchers meetings a few years back.She was there when I reached goal and when I made lifetime.  She's been there encouraging me to not give up as I've regained....she's been a motivator for me to try get this weight off! She is awesome.  She has listened and helped me come up with numerous ideas to try during this lifelong journey that I've embarked upon.  (weight wise and personal wise......LUV ya Sherry!) She struggles like the rest of us.   I've mentioned Sherry quite a bit on my blog (maybe not by name all the time, but she's been around).  She just started a blog.  Check her out (PS it's her birthday so she deserves a shout out just for that!!!)   OK, in case you missed one of those three links to her blog....  http://twogirlsmama.wordpress.com/   :-) 

Focus

My focus is there.  I spent the weekend reading some great blogs.  I read successes and I read failures followed by success.  I knew what I need to do and reading other people's experiences encouraged me to believe that once again I could do this. It made me remember that I HAVE done this and just need to do it again.  It also probably helped that for breakfast I had some leftover pizza and a piece of leftover raspberry cobbler.  I felt miserable, bloated and stuffed afterward.  I vowed to eat a banana...and something light for lunch.  But 2PM rolled around and I found myself eating.....you guessed it more leftover pizza and another piece of raspberry cobbler.  So then I was miserable all afternoon.  Todd came home and we had dinner at 8:30.  I made chili...with beef.  So I wasn't tempted to eat any chili (no beef for me please.....in fact the smell of the cooking meat was icky).  I did have a piece of my homemade cornbread.  I also made myself a sandwich with the last of the egg salad that I had made the day previously.  I ate half the sandwich and while I wanted to eat it all (it was yummy)....I threw it away and stopped.  Regardless, the bloated overstuffed feeling was still prevalent from my breakfast and lunch.  Lesson learned.  My body was SCREAMING at me and I didn't listen at first.....but I did finally get the message.

So today I'm focused. My food from breakfast has been entered into myfitnesspal.com. (yes, I am a weight watchers fan...and love the program, but money is really tight right now and I can't afford the meetings......I am a lifetime member, so when i get back to my goal weight, I'll be returning to the meetings to help keep me focused)  The food that has gone into my lunch box for consumption here at work has been entered into myfitnesspal.  I have a nice amount of calories left for dinner.  I have my clothes packed for my zumba class that I go to every Monday. (or that I try to go to every Monday).  I'm a little nervous about it....not sure if my left knee can stand it...but I'm gonna try it.

This morning I had Todd look at my knee.  I had him see if he could feel a knot or anything in the muscle that runs from my calf, over the back of my knee (out back edge) and up into my thigh.  The pain when I move is localized in the knee region.  But when he was pressing on the muscle, it hurt when he touched the muscle up my thigh too.  Crazy.  Not sure what is up with this.  GRRRRR  (ohhh and I took the last week and a half off....no exercise....if anything, the pain got worse.)

I'm still around.  I"m holding on to the very edge of this healthy thing by the slighest of grips.  I want to lose the weight so much.  I want to be thin again and have energy.   I want to be confident and feel good about myself again.  I want to wear all those wonderful clothes that are shoved in bins in the corner of my closet.  I want it.  And today, I read a blog and I had this sense of "you can do it' pour over my body.   Check out Michelle if you have the chance.   I have been following her for quite some time.  I read years back when she was first losing...I celebrated from the other side of the country as she completed her first Triathlon....I grinned when she announced she was pregnant the first time.....and the second time.  And I felt her worries as she struggled with her weight gain after she had the kids.  (which are adorable by the way).  She is most inspiring because she is doing it.  She's a normal woman that has normal struggles (fast food that beckons, time constraints, kids and husband demanding attention, etc) but she does it!   And she is continually pushing herself.  She is truely amazing.

Soooo all that to say.  I am going to do this.  I've got some injuries.  My foot is still not heeled, my left knee....the back has some kind of muscle thing going on.  My arthritis in my right knee is out of control.  My finger is still tender.  But you know what.  I can do it.  I'm going to zumba tomorrow night.  Gonna see what I can do (the foot...grr....the left knee, it's a muscle thing it tenses up or something so as long as i"m moving it it's not to bad...the arthritis, the only thing to make that better is to get the weight back off).

I've put my food into my tracker for today......it's not gonna be easy....I had leftovers from the pizza party I had last night (leftover pizza and raspberry cobbler for breakfast...yummy...but not exactly healthy!).  I have the rest of the day planned so I should be ok with my eating and not go TOOO far over for the day.  I'm gonna do this.

What to write

It was recently brought to my attention that I haven't been writing much on my blog.  I've thought about it a few times.  I've actually even pulled up blogger to do so.  But then I sit and stare at the empty screen and I ponder what to write.  What can I write that won't be a repeat of what I've been writing for years. "I'm going to get on track...today is a new day....I'm going to beat this weight loss thing!"   Seriously....I'm tired of writing that.  I'm tired of the trite posts.  I've always prided myself in being blunt and raw about this journey.  While I've felt those things when I've written them, I just can't say them again......I want it....but even I'm bored with hearing it.  So what to write? 

Can I write that I'm failing miserably at this thing called weight loss?   Or should I write that I feel like an utter failure at this thing called life.  You see, this weight loss thing is just indicative of how I feel like my life is right now.  I feel like it's all falling down around my ears...all aspects of my life.  I have tried and tried for years to pick up the pieces and clutch them to my chest and pretend that i had it under control.  But I can't pretend anymore.The pieces are falling out of my grasp almost as fast (maybe faster) than I can pick them up.  I'm sinking.

I've tried to focus on the weight thing...because that's something that I can control somewhat.  And I'm not going to give up.  But you know what?  It just feels hopeless.

Ok, I actively decided to take Saturday as a 'day of rest' and not weigh and just eat normally. That turned into two days. Holy Hell. Last night for dinner I had frozen yogurt and doritos. (WTF?....but it was yummy).


My weight today..... up!   In defense....the monthly scourge...the ever reoccuring monthly ick is upon me. (which affects my weight) andI did also drink near next to nothing yesterday. But Those are excuses (they may be valid) but I'm just going to say my eating did it and refocus. GRRRRRR

So my victories for the weekened?  Well I can say that I had that frozen yogurt and the doritos and I stopped there.  But my major victory?  We went to breakfast on Sunday morning.  I wanted pancakes and also home fries.  My normal behavior would have been to order a stack of pancakes and the side of home fries.  I ordered a SINGLE pancake and the home fries.  And I felt fantastic.  I was in control and I wasn't stuffed!  That is a true victory!

Rode my bike 21 miles on Saturday afternoon.  The last two miles pert near killed me.  OK, I wasn't near death....but I just wanted that ride to be over during those last two miles.  I made it back to the car perfectly safe and sound.  I was happy becuase my foot doesn't hurt when I ride.  My foot really is only bothered by activities that have any kind of impact.  I can do light walking....for a short period of time.  Any length of walking and the repetative impact gets it to aching.  Zumba...well, we don't talk about what that makes my foot feel like....more on zumba later....  So I made it to my car.  I was tired but I felt good.  I lifted my bike up to the top of my car.  I thought the bike was seated in the mount so that I could let go.  I was wrong. The bike started to fall over on top of me.  I did what anyone would naturally do.  I reached up to grab it and to protect my body from the falling bike.  As best I can tell.....my pinky was pushed back against the top side of my hand...(very unnatural position, I garauntee you).  So my pinky is all swollen and I can barely move it.  And when I do move it pain shoots through my hand and up my arm.  JOYOUS.   I think it's a bit better today....so hopefully it will heal on it's own.

Zumba....I know that my foot aches from the pounding impact.  I know that whatever this injury to my foot is, is not helped by Zumba.  But I so don't want to give it up.  Zumba to me is a release. It has somehow morphed into something more than just an hour of exercise.  It's almost like I need it for my 'mental well being' or something.   That is why I go...even though i know that my foot will ache during and afterward. 

I've tried to take a few weeks off and not do the impact....but it just doesn't seem to help.  SOOOOO  After my vacation, I'm goign to go to the doctor.  (not goign before...hell if he's putting me on crutches before my vacation!)

Healthy video games

Last night we went for a bike ride.  We made it about 6-7 miles.  It kicked our butts.  Hopefully the muscle memory is quick!    We are going out again tonight.  I get off at 6.  (ok ok ok, I had to convince Todd to go with me by promising  him that I would take him out to eat...using my personal allowance/stipend money....not out of the general budget)  I'm really trying to change myself....to try to be more active.  It's difficult.  I typically wake up at 6 or 6:30 and for months I've laid in bed and read or played on my phone for hours.....dragging myself out of bed at the last minute.  The last few mornings I've woken up and laid for maybe 5-10 minutes and then jumped out of bed and started my day.  I've had time to cook, clean, do some laundry and other fun stuff.  This morning I even found time to play the Kinect for an hour.   The only problem...i'm so awake and alive and refreshed...and then I come to work and it's so slow in here that my energy level just falls away!

So I was playing the Kinect this morning and I got to thinking about the Kinect and it's counterpart the WiiFit.  I was playing....and I'll admit I was more active than I would have been had I been sitting on my butt with my laptop.  But would you really call that a workout?  Are these types of games doing the American public and injustice in making people think that they are 'working out' when they play these games???    Are we lulling our obesity driven culture into thinking that something is 'healthy for us'.   Oh heavens, that brings up the issue of 'health foods'  Our culture thinks that they are eating healthy ...when they eat some of these healthy foods....and while they ARE healthy...it still requires moderation.   (For example its  the mentality...ohhh I bought the low fat oreos, so that means I can eat them...or even eat more....that's erroneous, they still need to be eaten in moderation)

It's better than nothing....so I'm not gonna knock it.  BUT that said, I'm not going to count that as my sole form of exercise. :-)

A rebirth of my spirit

I'm having a huge debate in my head right now.  A few years ago I rode in a couple bike events with my good friend Donna.  I kinda gained weight (kinda.....hardy har har....I DID) and stopped riding as much. My discipline just flew out the window.  This winter Todd and I were in Lancaster County and talked about how much fun we had riding in the Pedal To Preserve.  So I came home and did what any normal sane person would do. I went home, searched it out and registered for the ride (actually I registered BOTH of us).  I had grand plans.  I was going to start riding as soon as the weather was nice and I was all set.  We had GORGEOUS weather this late winter early spring.  And I rode exactly 3 times...maybe 4.  So now, I find myself 2.5 weeks from "Pedal" and low and behold I'm not ready.  Todd is determined that he could push through with no training.  Me....I'm not so sure, call me a wimp if you must.  Sooooooo I am embarking upon a 2.5 week effort to be ready to ride. I only have to make it 20 miles. (I thought it was 25, but upon researching it a few minutes ago, I discovered it is a 20 mile ride).

Zumba last night wasn't nearly as brutal.   I drank a ton and kept drinking throughout the whole hour but by the final two songs I was DREAMING about how good my nice cold pitcher of Crystal Light was going to taste when I got home!  (and it did taste spectacular).  Speaking of Crystal Light.  Has anyone tried the flavor Pomtini?????   I just did my research.  I bought Crystal Light's flavor Pomtini a while back. It is my all time favorite flavor.  I've looked for it every time I go into the store and see appletini, margarita and mojito and other flavors but never the Pomtini.  Why?  So I looked it up online.  I was saddened by what I found.   Pomtini was only for a limited time....March through April.  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  Feel free to go onto their website and send them a contact suggestion begging for Pomtini to be brought back.  I would be eternally grateful as I am down to one little packet left. (ok maybe not eternally....but wildly appreciative)

Ok, that last paragraph went on a big time tangent.

What's up with the Crystal Light fanaticism?  Well about two months ago I gave up diet soda. (well I've had one here and there...I think maybe twice in that two months).  I drink my water all day.  And then in the evening I 'treat myself' to Crystal light.  It actually works out really good.  For some reason drinking water at night just doesn't happen for me.  But the Crystal light is just perfect.

My weight isn't dropping...but I'm not gaining.  I'm just holding steady.  I'll take that.  My body is just not giving it up.  But I know that when it regulates itself off of whatever wildness that it is experiencing that the weight will drop.  I'm doing the right things. I'm being more active and I'm eating healthy. The results WILL catch up to my efforts.

Even more importantly I think I'm having a rebirth of my spirit.  For the longest time I've basically just existed. I've done the bare minimum around the house.  It's been a struggle to get that done too.  But the last few weeks I've been WANTING to spread my wings and take the time to make the homemade breads and the homemade snacks.  I've been wanting to do that stuff.  It's almost like I'm being reborn.   I don't know what has brought this about.  I'm afraid to blink...afraid that it will go away if I do.  I still have all the stress and depression in my life....but I'm really trying to not let it affect ME.  And maybe that's the whole difference.

Last night zumba was brutal.  My feet ached my body was sluggish and I just wanted it to be OVER.  I was determined to push my way through.  However, I will not lie and say that I dreamed of being done.  A co-zumba girl/friend recognized my struggle and moved up to be my wingman.  Her presence and smile helped push me through it.   However, her presence kinda got me in trouble.  About two songs from the end I looked at her and said "Sexy Mama" (we joke around a lot like that...and laugh about pinching each others butts and all kinds of stuff.  It's all good, we both REALLY like boys but it's just fun).  So anyway, I turn toward her and go "Sexy Mama" during a hip rotation in the song.  She didn't hear me...however the gal standing next to me did.  And the rest of the night, that gal looked at me smiling and grinning at me.  Ohhh heavens!  LOL

I'm in a better state of mind today.  Things are still weighing me down, but I'm trying to do things to follow my dreams.  I don't need the approval of anyone other than myself.  I don't need the support either.  I just need to do what I need to do for ME.

My weight was down today.  Don't know how...but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth!!!!!!

Dabbler

I've been struggling the last two weeks. I've never been more than 100-200 calories above my goal (I'm aiming for 1300 calories) but somewhere about two weeks ago, I stopped losing.  It happened right about the time that the monthly scourge hit me....a week and a half early might I add.  So is it something within my female cycle that is all out of whack?  Who knows.    A plateau already?  Seriously?  I know the last few days I've become more lax about my eating.  It becomes a bit of a fatalistic attitude.  Why bother if the scales aren't going to show the results.  But I know that's wrong.  I know that the results will come along if I continue.  So continue I will.......

Zumba tonight........

I have set a goal.  I love to write and would love to actually follow that dream down the line.  (there, I said one of my deep dark secrets out loud).  I lack discipline...so while I have some great ideas floating around in my head, I lack the discipline needed to sit down EVERY DAY and write...in order to have a novel written...in the books....down on paper.  So I have set a goal. 1000 words EVERY DAY.  I have a tracker on my phone. (I wish the tracker would remind me if I didn't do it....hmmmm maybe I should look for a different version).  I have been writing every day.  Right now I'm just writing some fun works and some fun pieces.  Just getting myself into the practice of sitting down and doing it every day.  We'll see.

Sometimes I wished that i wasn't a dabbler.  I dabble in so many things.  Photography, writing, crafts...you name it.  I dabble.  I am told that I do a fair job at whatever I put my mind to.  I've been told that my photography is really good, that I have the 'eye' for it.  I've been told that my writing is good that I can tell a story and the reader is drawn in and invested in the story that I'm telling.  I've received praises for my quilts, rugs, cross stitch pieces, and other various crafts.  I'm not complaining...but seriously, wouldn't it be nice to be just spectacular at one thing in your life.  To be able to do one thing so spectacularly that you are successful at it?????

Am I dabbling at weight loss?

isn't the world pretty????

Success breeds upon itself.  I am feeling more alive and ready to face the world.  I know that I don't have my weight 'conquered'.   I will NEVER conquer this weight thing.  It's not possible.  I have a food addiction.  I will struggle with that demon until the day I die.  I've hopefully learned my lesson about how easy it is to fall.   And yes, I fell hard.  But I'm on my way back.  I'm losing again.  I'm eating right.  I'm feeling more alive each day that I retain control of my weight.  I am down about 8 pounds ....small beans in what i have left to lose (but still if I go from my highest weight ever I'm 72 pounds lower than that...so that's a good thing!)  But with each day I feel more alive and more ready to face the world.  I have more energy and sitting on the couch with my laptop in front of me no longer seems appealing.  I want to be doing something.

So maybe that's my next step...what in the world can I get into in the evenings.....break the habit of sitting on my butt doing nothing.  :-D

Zumba tonight.  I'm going to an early class (since this is my afternoon off) so that I can be home in time for the face off for game 7 of the Caps versus Bruins game tonight.  I'm also trying to talk my husband into going out for a bike ride this afternoon....it's a little chilly...but not 'cold' so I may be able to get him to go.  :-)   In lieu of a bike ride, maybe a walk.  Something outside...something active.  I have a plan for this evening too....a plan that would keep us up off the couch and moving around too!  (moving some desks and furniture in the house....normally I would do it on my own...but I'm not touching his computer desk without him!)

I"m contemplating restarting my photo a day project.  It really keeps me looking at the world in a really cool way.  Always looking for the beauty around me.  And as I retake my life.....I'm seeing more prettiness.

Sometimes...

I'm steadily dropping.  Some days it's a bit up...some days it's a bit down...but I can see that it is a downward progression. I'll take it!  :-)  This morning puts me just about 7 pounds down in 2 weeks time.  Once again...I"LL TAKE IT!

Yesterday was difficult.  We went out to breakfast.  I ordered pancakes and of course with those three pancakes (I may or may not have licked the plate clean...I'll never tell)  I blew about 800 calories.  Now seriously, I get right around 1200 -1300 calories a day....and I blew 2/3 of my calories by 9AM in the morning???    Todd and I had a late lunch/early dinner at 2PM.  I counted everything out and I was JUST over my calories for the day..I was at roughly 1400 calories. I was ok with that...but had a long evening ahead of me.  Around 6 I was hungry.  I wondered if it was stress and emotions.  I tried to bury my thoughts and do something.  I wondered if it was thirst.  I drank some more.  And at 7PM, I decided it was NOT those things...(well, not 100% those things) and i had some baked tortilla chips, some salsa and a pb&j sandwich ...and felt 100% better.  I had no more problems that evening with wanting to eat.  So it was with fear that I stepped on the scales tonight. I was WAY over my calories.  But surprisingly, I was down.  not much. 0.2 pounds...but I was not UP!  :-D

So I guess sometiems we really do need to listen to our bodies!

Wednesday

Last week I lost 5.8 pounds. I tracked every day.  I gave up soda (again...even diet....I will drink one here and there eventually, right now I"m not tempting myself).  And ohhh, did I mention that I lost 5.8 pounds It was a great start! 

This week I'm re-introducing exercise after my 2 week hiatus.  I'm hoping that the two weeks was enough of a rest for my foot.  I have decided to not attempt the running thing at this point.  Does that mean I'm letting that dream of running a 5k go? No, I WILL do it.  But I want to get some of this weight off before I take up that high impact activity.  So I'll be sticking to my bike, walking and zumba for a bit.  :-) 

This morning got up and it was raining...but walked anyway.  Came home and changed into dry clothes and heading to work.  Today will recommence the 'I will not be the first person to sit down' bet with a co-worker.  Last Friday we started this and neither of us sat for the 4 hours we worked side by side.  (that's odd...we normally sit on our butts all the time).  I got a text from that co-worker throwing down the challenge that since we will be at neighboring desks today that the challence recommences for the 4 hours that we will be together today.  (hey, I figured it out..that will burn an extra 400-500 calories!)   And then tonight...ZUMBA!  :-)

So I'm working it.   I've been within my calorie range for the last week and I'm trucking along!  :-)

To weigh or not wo weigh

That is the question.  I've heard proponents of both sides to the weighing daily debate.  I think it goes for each individual person.  For me, weighing each day in the morning gives me something tangent to hold on to. My number for the day is in my head all day (or for 6 days like earlier this week...lol)   It grounds me and sets me up for the day.  It rewards me when it drops.  It chastises me when I've done something wrong.  But it grounds me.  That said, I've learned so much about my body from my daily weigh ins.  For example, I know that when I'm drinking straight water and my body is used to that routine, that having a diet soda actually causes my weight to shoot up the next day. I know that it's temporary and sometimes worth it.  Why?  Look at the label...SODIUM!  I know when the monthly ick will appear, simply because my weight pops 2 days before hand.  When you weigh every day, these daily fluctuations actually become routine and explained. It's knowledge.

When I had been approaching my goal weight, I set a plan up in my head.  Weigh every day for the rest of my life.  (or every day possible).  I was willing to give myself a 5 pound leeway.  I knew that the normal daily fluctuations would be all accounted for within that 5 pound give or take.  I however made a vow that if I stayed on the upper side of my weight for a few days to work to get it off.......and if I hit the 5 pound mark...to panic and really work!    Simple plan.  My problem....I reached my goal weight and put the plan into motion.....and the very next day went on vacation, where I didn't have access to scales.  Yup, I stepped on the scales when I got home and saw I was 10 pounds up.  I had also gone wild and gotten a taste for the 'wild side' of food.  And I never recovered.  Lesson learned (the hard way).    I still think my plan is the way to go.  But hopefully this time when I reach goal weight I will actually implement the plan!!!!  

So weighing everyday now gives me motivation and drive, and is setting me up for the rest of my life.

(stayed the same today...which I'm happy about ...I ate chinese last night...that usually causes my weight to pop up a bit.  LOL)

FINALLY

FINALLY, finally my weight has budged. I've been stuck on the exact same weight for the last few days 5 days...or is it 6.  LOL   Either way...same poundage, same ounces. It's been incredibly frustrating!  But today, it dropped.  YAY!

I've managed to log my food intake all this week.  I'm pretty happy with that.   That's a huge first step...getting back into making tracking a habit.  Actually today's food has all been accounted for..I know what I'm eating all day.  :-)

Exercise....I'm on hold.  I've been really trying to take it easy on my foot...give my foot a break.  The foot is feeling much better, so I may jump back into exercise this weekend.  :-)  (with a new pair of tennis shoes to see if that helps also).

Tuesday

My weight is hanging out at the same number.  I'm getting my eating back in line though, so I'm feeling ok about it.  I dropped diet soda (that was ALL I was drinking....I want to make water all I'm drinking with only an occasional soda as the exception) and predictably, today my head is POUNDING.  Caffeine...what lovely stuff.  LOL

Thinking back and rediscovering some yummy healthy foods that I haven't made in a while.  I made Lemon Mousse and topped it with  Strawberries  today.  (well, I made the mousse last night)  So tasty and calorie expenditure is low and well...FRUIT. :-)

Easter Sunday

My weight is not budging, but it will.  Easter Sunday...no candy for me.  And while I haven't yet put my food consumption into my food journal, I'm reasonably sure that I'm ok.  :-)

Today we got up and headed out into the woods behind us.  We took the metal detector and shovels and worked played around a bit with that.  We took bags and kept our eye out for mushrooms.  And for the first time in AGES, I took my camera with the plan to take a picture of 'something'.    We hiked around the woods for 2 hours. 

We returned to our back yard and entered out house at 12:30.  I made a quick lunch and then we headed out with our bikes and did a short ride. 

I have to say though.....I'm absolutely whipped right now.  I am exhausted (I shouldn't be, I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and slept 10 hours last night) and I ache.  My wrists hurt, my knees hurt, my feet hurt...and my back is sore.  I'm just a walking ache-fest.  LOL  But I pushed on and completed my ride.

Riding makes me really think about reevaluating my plan to turn myself into a runner this year.  I'm really struggling with my left foot.  It hurts.  Riding has no impact on that sore foot and I was able to be out for an hour and doing something acitve, but I don't feel like it is any worse than when I started.  So I really may have to reevaluate this jogging thing...at least until I get a bit more weight off. 

Hurt

It hurts.  I had a half of cake sitting at my house.  I momentarily thought about cutting it into small pieces and freezing it for later. (that approach really does work when you have some control...because sometimes you really do need something sweet...and if you have a small little something in the freezer that you can pull out and pop in the microwave a few seconds....it's great...portioned and everything).  I chose not to do that though.  I have no control at the moment.  Cake...why yes I do believe I will have a piece.  The freezer is tooo close.  So ignoring the hurt, I carted the cake to the garbage can and upended it into the can.  Yup, I threw out a perfectly good cake. It hurts to throw away food that tastes so good.

Hurt...seriously....maybe I'm just too gullable and believe what people say to me.  Because then when it proves to be untrue it causes hurt. 

My foot....HURTS.  Started a week or two ago......at first it was just twinges after exercise, but it's elevating and getting worse.  So I'm not sure what's up with that.  I know that yesterday at work, wearing my shoes was torture (ok, I wasn't tortured long, I just kicked my shoes off and went barefoot....today I'm wearing clogs so that it's easier to slip them back on when I need to). 

Hurt.....actually worry and frustration.  I want to exercise.  Yeah yeah yeah, never thought I would be writing those words!  But I want to continue on with my quest to becoming a runner.  I want to go to zumba.  I want to!  So my feelings are hurt....I want to...but I'm realizing that I need to figure out what's happening with my foot.

So hurts that emcompass emotional, physical, mental...etc etc etc.  BUT a step in the right direction.  Throwing that cake away was DIFFICULT.     I'm working to set up an accountabililty network.  I'm working on it.

Self Flogging over

Ok, the self flogging is over.  I'm not saying that I'm chipper, up dancing naked in the streets (holy hell that would be a sight!..and not a pretty sight!).  But I sat down yesterday and wrote in my private journal for a while.  I broke my unhappiness down into segments and actually looked deeply at the problems.  Some of them do make me feel backed in a corner with no way out...but you know what.  My weight is NOT that way.  I see a glimmer of light.  I've scaled that wall before. I KNOW I can scale it again.  So I'm going to focus on that right now.  My weight.  Focus on the light..and move toward it.  Hoepfully some other things will fall into place while I'm doing that.....or hopefully when I scale that weight wall that I'll be able to see some other things more clearly...and see other glimmers of light that I can follow.  But I know that the weight issue is the one surefire thing I have the power to change right now. 

That said......self worth.  I am strugglign with that.  Not feelign worthy of so much...and if I"m not worthy...why would i take the time to lose my weight.  Seriously?  I'm gonna fight that thought too!

Soooo meanwhile....I've been exercising.  Trying to get out there and run.  Going to zumba.  Really working it.  And I'm feeling it.  The old arthritic knees are aching. They are a nuisance...but I know what's wrong. The thing that concerns me is my foot.  I'm having some sharp burning pains in my one foot.  Mostly after I exercise......rest helps..but when I exercise it kicks back in.  I can stay off it for a couple days and it just flares back up if I use it.  Hmmmmm....

I have not died or disappeared off the face of the earth.   I was so 'up' and then I was just tossed back to the ground.  Pretty much all my strength and focus has been keeping my head above water.   The sad part, I eat horribly out of my pain and frustration....and that just brings more self loathing.  I keep saying I'm gonna stop...but seriously, that's so much easier said than done...especially when you are constantly fighting your emotions.  Would it be easier if I just curled up in a corner and cried my eyes out?  If I just gave in to the pressure?   I don't think I'd ever stop.....

Oh well....I'm not saying there aren't good times.  I've had some really good times where I feel almost like myself. 

Rockin' the exercise!

The weather is absolutely fantastic!  I love love love it!  I was out on my bike today.  It felt good.  My butt was a bit sore today, and my right knee aches a but (which is odd  becuase it's been my left knee that has been bothering me most these last few months.)  Either way, it's arthritis. It's not an injury.  I'm going to keep plugging along.  Zumba in an hour!   Yes, I'm going to zumba on top of my bike ride.  Why not?  I was tempted to do a double zumba, but well......thought that might be overkill.  :-)

Now to just get my eating under control!!!!!