"You must reach a point where you're angry at your old self, your old life, your addictions. You have to hate the way you were, and when this hatred and anger consumers you, then you'll have the determination not to go back there."


John Grisham, The Associate

The Ruler

Oh boy, it's going to be a long day. The internet at work is doing something funky. Not sure if it's been blocked or if it's ...well just being funky. Sooo a long day with no email...and very limited internet. Joy joy.

Other than my splurge on Wednesday I've done pretty good with my eating this week. I've kept things under control. The most important thing....I haven't mindless eaten and all is moving along. I haven't let the stress of everyday life get to me. I've laid out my plan for eating and I've stuck to it every day.

Ruled by food....or ruling over food. I admit that I've been ruled by food in the past. Food was the most important thing. I lived for the food. Even while I was eating one meal, my mind had already spun forward and I was thinking about the next meal. I shovelled in the food so fast that I could barely taste the food before the next food was shoved into my mouth. I could not enjoy any of the experience, the talking, the atmosphere of where you are eating or anything because it was an all consuming fire to get the most food into my mouth! That is no true existence. Ruling over food..now that it where it's at. Sniffing the fabulous aromas. Savoring the delicious flavors. Enjoying the complex textures. And using my meal on Wednesday as an example. I think I ruled over the food instead of allowing the food to rule me. I ruled. I wasn't thinking ahead to the next food event. I wasn't thinking about anything but the food that I was eating (and the conversation with my husband of course...that goes without saying). I enjoyed the myriad of flavors. I sat back and enjoyed. No, I can't eat like that every day, because the food was rich in calories. But the essence of it. Eating purely for the enjoyment of the food is really where I want to be. I want to rule over food...and not allow food to rule me! Because if I am the ruler then I can control what I eat.

November 11, 2009

November 11, 2009, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, I splurged yesterday. I looked forward to Buca di Beppo and it lived up to my expectations (does it ever not). I haven't had time to actually look into my points to see how 'bad' it was. But one day is not enough to derail me....as long as it's only one day. Todd and I talked about the fact that when you don't splurge and don't eat like that often that it is so much more special and memorable. And yes, it is.

So does food make one happy? I was looking at the a blog entry today and saw this post that touched on the concept of food making us happy. And while my gut reaction was that 'no, it doesn't'. When I started to think about our meal yesterday, I have to revise that and say, yeah sometimes it does.

When I'm looking for a quick fix food....filling a void emotionally, I eat the food and while I'm eating the food I feel on top of the world. However, almost immediately upon finishing the good feeling ends and I'm back where I started before I ate. Actually worse because after eating, I've now got the added guilt of eating something I shouldn't have. So in that case eating does not make me happy.

HOWEVER, I knew that yesterday we were going to be going to Buca di Beppo. Wait, let me digress and give some background. In years past, Todd and I have eaten out way too much. But in recent years we have pared back drastically and in just the last month or two we cut back even further. For two reasons...financially it makes more sense to eat at home and it's easier to control the quality and portions at home. In comparison....back in 2006 (give or take) we would eat out and average of 5 times a week. We have pared it back to once a week now....and are trying to do once every other week. SOooo fast forward back to the present. We had not eaten out since Todd's birthday weekend......which was two weeks ago. We knew we were going to go to Buca. I tried to eat healthily for the days leading up to yesterday. I also planned a nice healthy dinner for last night (taco soup) So we went. Yes, I splurged a bit. Did it make me happy? Yes! Did it make me feel guilty? No! Was it a fleeting happiness? NO! I was sitting here at work thinking about our meal yesterday and it feels me with a warmth to remember the shared meal that had with my husband. I can remember the flavors of the food. The texture. The conversation. All of it...and it feels me with a happy warmth. So yes, that meal did really bring me a longer lasting happiness.

So what is the difference? What I see....the difference is that I wasn't eating emotionally...trying to fill a void. Trying to occupy my mind. I planned for it. And most significantly, by not eating out all the dang time the event became special.

Habits, Traditions and just the way it is

I'm off work today as is Todd. We've talked a few times about our plans for the day. Nothing is set in stone. But as I lay in bed this morning just relishing in the laze of not worrying about getting up for work I started to to think about the conversations that we've had. 1. We could drive down toward DC and visit Bucca di Beppo...and from there mosey around. 2. We could go toward Frederick and go to Brewers Alley and from there mosey around. 3. We would stay relatively close to home and eat at Rocco's or maybe I could take Todd to Barefoot Bernies. In case you didn't know. Bucca di Beppo....restaurant. Brewers Alley.....restaurant. Roccos.....restaurant. Barefoot Bernies....restaurant. We are making our plans based around the food choices that each area provides. Is this a healthy lifestyle mentality? No, the focus of our day should not be food. Yet somehow it is. I know that I'm addicted to food. I enjoy the experience of eating. The taste of eating. The texture of food. The smells. The sounds. I enjoy it all! But it shouldn't be the focus of my day! I don't want it to be the focus of my day. I don't want to be ruled by food. Yet I find myself constantly ruled by food.

How can I make the leap from being ruled by food to being the ruler of food. In essence using food simply for what it does for me....sustains life. And that is the crux of my problem...I would have to say goodbye to my friend. My constant friend. I would have to say goodbye to that friend that has helped me study in college....high school and middle school too Heck, I can remember rewarding myself with food in grade school. Working on my spelling words, each word I got right I would take a bite of food...or a drink of hot chocolate. I didn't have a weight problem in grade school, but I can look back and see the ground work being laid for my addiction. This friend that I have to say good by with....wouldn't be there to help me celebrate the good times. And this friend wouldn't be there to console me when times get bad. Food has been my true friend. Yes, I am eating emotionally....in every emotion, ever nuance of my life.

Do I want to give up this friend? This addiction? Yes, yes yes...I don't want to be addicted to food. But am I really willing to give up my friend? Honestly...no. Is it healthy to hang onto this? I'm not sure.

So my question is, how can I separate the two. The addiction from the friend. And yes, learning how to limit my time spent with this friend. Not bringing food to the forefront of each and every day.....not elevating this friend/food to the most important spot in my life. That's not healthy. I still want the friend.....I just want the friend put into it's rightful place in my life.

Reporting in

Lock hardware, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I showed a loss of 6/10ths of a pound. I'm frustrated because it does come on so much faster...and takes sooo much work to get off. But progress in the right direction is being made, no matter how slowly! Plugging along.

Todd and I talked about going to the gym today. And we were set to go..but instead we decided to hit up the canal and do a nice long walk on a nice fall day. Soooo I got a nice long walk in instead. The bad part? I twisted my food and now my foot hurts to high heavens. I keep hoping that I'll be able to walk it off...but it's getting worse. JOY JOY!

Food wise, I'm doing good thus far today. I've got my plans laid out and all should be well!

Well....here we are Monday again. I should show a maintain or thereabouts at my meeting tonight. If I can hang onto a maintain or even a slight loss I will be utterly tickled. I did so good through the first part of the week....and then Friday I had a day a bit high on carbs, but it was ok because I worked outside for a few hours and STILL exercised when I came in. Saturday...blew my points by one or two.....once again too many carbs. And then Sunday rolled around. Bread bread bread bread bread. Whew. 40 points consumed...and for you non-weight watcher people...I only get 27 at this point. YIKES! Back at it today!

I had a nice weekend. Friday worked outside. Saturday went into town and did some christmas shopping. (The kids are just about done...WOO HOOO) And Sunday, I did absolutely nothing. Well, no...I made three meals and I did the final mowing of the season....but nothing else.

This morning...started early.....at the gym!

Confession

I was tickled last night to have my husband at home. True, he was home because a client cancelled...but he's been away every evening...and that gets old! Sooo I threw away my plan for eating....and I made spaghetti (marinara sauce for me.....clam sauce for him). He requested a bread....which I made. I whipped up a ceasar salad also. I had a decent amount of points....but the bread threw me over the edge, points wise. Points wise I'm not to worried. I'd only used 1 flex point thus far in the week....and I've utilized none of my activity points. I'm more worried about the carb overload. But I'm sure I'll be fine.

The alarm was set early this morning so that I could get some activity/exercise in. But well....best laid plans don't always work. I do however get off work at 2. The new plan is to go home....change and IMMEDIATELY (before logging onto the computer...or picking up a book or doing ANYTHING) exercise. THEN I can log onto the computer, work on dinner, and all that fun stuff!!!

breakfast casserole

breakfast casserole, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy 4 points breakfast....5 if you include the toast. :-) Simple yet delicious breakfast casserole.

I once again pulled at the dance pad and did DDR for 40 minutes this morning. While it may be low intensity, by the time the 40 minutes is nearing and end, my legs are starting to feel heavy and I notice myself not jumping as easily....so it's doing something. :-)

I haven't weighed myself since my official weigh in day. I know that I'm on track, things are going good with my eating and I am chosing to not be stressed about the numbers on the scale. I will probably take a peak Saturday or Sunday. But then again, maybe not. :-) No matter, I feel very satisfied with my efforts at this point. I have added in some more movement and I've been keeping my eating under control...including my carb intake. Yes, carbs...mainly breads and pastas are my downfall! I did splurge and eat another piece of Snickers Pie last night but it only put me 1 point over my food budget so I'm ok with that, especially since I haven't eaten any of my flex points OR my activity points. I've got some ideas for desserts for this upcoming weekend. So we'll see. I think planning my food for the day and budgeting in (allowing for) a treat each evening be it the snickers pie, the milky way pie, the banana split thingy or simply a frut bar (anything low cal/low points) is really helping. I stay on track because I know that if I do I will have a reward. Sooo should I be rewarding my efforts with food? Probably not. Does it work???? Unequivicably!

The headache that I've been suffering with since Saturday night is still present. It's getting old. I think some of it is brought on by the sheer boredom at my job. Because it seems to get worse when I am getting ready to go to work and at work. Oh no...I'm turning into a mental case!

Exercise for cats

Exercise for cats, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Exercise for cats......and for cat owners also. I did have to remove Lil' Mertz from the dance pad. She calmly accepted her removal and laid down at the edge of the dance pad and watched me step my way into better health. Todd suggested pulling out an extra dance pad for her to lay on. I thought that was going a bit far.

Results of my official weigh in last night. I lost 3 pounds! I am tickled about 3 pounds. Plumb tickled. However there is part of me that is still so disgusted wtih the weight gain that the loss of 3 pounds seem insignificant. Very mixed emotions.

Todd and I usually do our main meal together in the evening. But today we did a big breakfast together. (we had waffles). I'm a bit nervous because that means I have to navigate the rest of the day on my own....and he will not be at home tonight. And for me, eating at home by myself is bad. It's so much more difficult for me to eat on my own....I can be somewhat of a closet eater. I quickly laid out a plan this morning for my eating...so I can stick to that. However, my plan doesn't include many veggies. It's heavy on fruit though. So I may adjust my plan a bit to include some veggies. We'll have to see.

Leaf, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Hit up the canal for a nice crisp fall morning walk!!!!

Snickers Pie, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy yummy snickers pie. It is a definite winner, and rather low points per slice!!!!

I was laying in bed and started to think about what the added weight really means to me. And I realized that the extra weight adds a metaphoric weight to my life. I feel weighted down. I came to the conclusion that this extra weight totally changes how I feel about myself and in changing that, also changes how I live my life. I'm not as open as free. I realized that with my extra weight I started to retreat to the safe old MaryFran personality. It is crazy when I think about it...because I am the same person...but the weight really does affect everything!

Accomplished another day of healthy eating yesterday!!!! I go to my meeting tonight. It may not be a huge loss...but I'm confident that I will so some sort of loss!!!!

I've had a couple good days of eating. As each day passes and I keep it under control, I feel stronger and more capable of restarting this journey. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

The last two days I thought were going to be a major challenge as I was home alone for most of that time. I am a bit of a closet eater. If no-one is here to see me eat it, then it doesn't count...right? Ha. So with Todd working 11 hours on Saturday and 10 hours on Sunday, I was home alone for a very good long portion of my weekend. I don't rightly know how I did it. All I know is that I was laying in bed last night and I all of sudden realized that 'woah, I wasn't even tempted to eat.'. I planned out my day and it wasn't a thing of 'what can I eat'. It was all planned. there was no thought involved. I ate what I had planned and that was that. I have been planning and making low cal/low points desserts to indulge in each evening. On saturday night it was a Banana Split Pie and on Sunday night it was Snickers Pie. I think knowing that I'll be having a treat at the end of the night (a low points treat..big portions too) helps keep me on track. :-)

Moving along. My head is in the right place right now. So much so that I went to eat a corn bread muffin with my lunch and threw half of it away because it wasn't yummy....(I had popped it into the microwave to warm it...and let it in there too long). So progress.


Food yesterday for the MF'ster

Breakfast:
cheerios with a splash of fat free milk
Lunch:
taco soup
corn bread muffin
applesauce
Dinner:
buttered noodles
carrots
peas
sauerkraut
applesauce

Snack:
Banana Split Pie (very low fat/cal/points)

I think I did pretty good at the potluck yesterday. I didn't go hog wild. Yet I did indulge a bit. And my indulgence? I SPLIT a cheese danish with my manager! SPLIT!!! That has been a foreign concept with me lately. Taking the taco soup was a brilliant move. It gave me something really filling to eat!

Meanwhile, last night as I was watching tv some thoughts went through my head. And all of a sudden I realized that losing weight was more important than eating what I want, when I want it. I have a couple reasons why this came to me...and why it became ultra important to me.....nope...not sharing. But they are there and these reasons will push me I'm sure.

Nothing profound today...just a reaffirmation that I'm on the right track.

Still plodding along. I struggled yesterday. I had to bake something for my co-workers and I will admit that I struggled with the temptation of having the dough/batter in front of me. I did however get the goodies out of the house today...even though I technically didn't need them until tomorrow. That said, the pot luck tomorrow....i've planned on bringing taco soup so taht I have something to eat...and the grand plan is to stay away from the highly caloric goodies. those things that if I start eating, I won't be able to stop. Yup, those.

Meanwhile, lots of stuff going through my head.....maybe I'll get it down in writing one day soon.

One last thought on failure.....how fitting that there was a segment on failure last night on The Biggest Loser. Enough said.

I do believe that I'm going to sit back and not weigh every day for a bit. I stepped onto the scales this morning and low and behold I was up. WHAT??? I've been religious about my food intake. I added exercise yesterday. There is no reason. I'm working to not let it get me stressed.....and for that reason, I'm going to attempt to only weigh once a week. Sometimes the stress of not knowing gets to me...but I think right now it would be better to not be seeing any negatives on the scales for a while.


Planning on going to the gym this afternoon....we'll see!

Failure

Failure. I feel like a failure because I've regained some of my weight. I've skirted the issue before, but I'm coming out bold with it right now. I totally feel like a 100% failure. In recognizing and verbalizing this fact, I can then admit that I'm soooo afraid of failing again! Weight loss is sooooo non-personal. EVERYONE can see how you are doing. Everyone can see you shovelling food into your mouth and everyone can see the results of a bigger body. There is no way that you can hide it. So to fail with your weight loss goals is to do so very publicly. And that scares me. I've already failed once........I'm afraid to fail again.

That said, I'm still going forward. I'm going to take the risk.

To never try, is to fail.

report in from mini vacation

I never thought that i would be here. Here as in weighing in higher and higher each week it seems. I stepped on the scales this morning and saw a 4 pound gain. Now, let me rehash. I weighed myself the last time on Thursday...the beginning of my little mini vacation. I was showing a maintain from my last official weigh in. So I went into my little mini 4 days off optimistic. I was going to do it. On Thursday I went to lunch with a friend. I chose a really healthy salad for lunch. I enjoyed it greatly! That evening we went to a viewing for Todd's uncle and stopped for dinner on the way home. I was HUNGRY. By the time we got to the restaurant it was 8PM. I ordered based on my hunger and didn't think about making the best option for my health. I got broccoli chicken alfredo with a salad from the salad bar (and I threw on some pasta from the salad bar I have to admit.) The alfredo was the start of the downward spiral. Friday came, my husbands birthday. I started the day by making my healthier version of caramel pecan sticky buns. Only 3 points for one bun. Not bad. Wait, hold the horses....3 points for one bun, that's not bad. BUT, the recipe makes 8.....there were only two of us. And heck, it was his birthday....so I ate half a recipe......4 of the buns...12 points! We did half way light for lunch. I made Todd the Smoked Salmon wraps and I made us both chicken ravioli soup. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with my soup. Admittedly, I had two servings of soup. Soooo very good. For dinner. Lasagna, salad, german chocolate cake. Lunch on Saturday was at Applebees. We got the two for $20 Our appetizer was the spinach artichoke dip. Ohhh it was HEAVEN! Cheesy...the chips were hot and soooo good. I had a salad....and....the three cheese penne with chicken. ARRGGGHHH They have weight watcher menu items. I could have done SOOOO good. But NOOOOOOO! Ok, it was really yummy. Dinner, I broke my beef ban and we had pizza burgers with macaroni and cheese. Oh yeah, with our movie.....mudslides, which I ate least made with low fat/fat free ice cream. Sunday wasn't much better. Breakfast was and english muffin (I had the same thing for breakfast on Saturday). Lunch was delayed so we snacked on cinamon cookies (i had 3...or was it 4) and a bag each of pretzels for us. (individual sized bags). Lunch.....mexican restaraunt. Chips and salsa (not, thin chips!) with the most delectible sweet sauce. (I would give my eyeteeth to know how to make taht sweet dipping sauce) I ordered the vegetarian combo of a burrito, enchilada and a quesadilla. Dinner....grilled cheese and leftover chicken ravioli soup. Dessert? Ohhh do I have to fess up to that too???? The shoofly pie that we've had in the freezer for the last umpteen months! Whew....confession over.

Soooo, looking at it...I actually maintained pretty decently through the stress days of the broken studio equipment and the deaths and all that. But when it was all worked out and we had some time to sit back, relax and let loose after our stress I cut loose and whew. Look out. So I managed the stress time....but I just lost it when things got back to normal and the stress was alleviated! I can't win for trying!

So, I'm back at work today. I really really really struggled with getting here to work. I did not want to come. Enough that in the middle of the night I woke up and this coat of depression came over me when I remembered that I had to work. The only thing....while I'm dreading going to a meeting tonight and fessing up to my weight gain (accountability really works), I'm looking foward to getting back on track with eating. As much as I enjoyed the food, I know that my body feels better with a healthier diet. I feel better. I don't like feeling bloated and icky. But I continue to do it!

Lesson learned!

The prodigal lifestyle changer is back!

Salmon Wrap, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I haven't forgotten my journey to lose weight and be healthy. I've just been sidetracked in the last weeks. We had two uncles pass away in two unrelated incidents. THe one was a car accident that put an aunt in the hospital. We had some equipment malfunction in the studio and well, some time off from work to just relax and unwind. Ohh and the time off...we celebrated a birthday and well, the eating got out of hand. I know what I need to do though and I'm actually looking foward to doing it!!!!! As much as I have enjoyed the food that I've eaten, I'm willing to give it up to feel better!!! Overeating and eating super rich foods is appealing, but after a few days...woah, it's too much. Yup, never thought I would say something like there.

Chicken Ravioli Soup

Chicken Ravioli Soup, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

So, I put some food pics on my blog today. These were actually the somewhat healthy things that I made at home during this stretch of decadent eating!!!!