Got up early this morning and went right to work. I stripped the sheets off the bed, washed them. I went ahead and washed the comforter (it's out on the line). I dried a few things in the dryer and folded and put that stuff away, and I exercised for 70 minutes. Yep, all before I came to work. So i had a productive morning.

Now for the bad part. For breakfast I had the rest of the dessert cups from last night. Uhhh yeah, 3 of them. I did have a banana with them. Does that make it a healthy breakfast? I mean, I had my grain (the flour tortillas were whole wheat), milk (milk in the mousse like filling) and the banana added the fruit!!! Calorie wise, I was still ok after my dessert cup breakfast. But as I was done with exercising, and I was dressed and ready to go, for some reason my hand strayed into the leftover dinner rolls. YIKES! SO there that negates my 70 minutes of exercise. I was honestly planning on riding again tonight for about 60 minutes, so I guess that's a definite now. (I usually ride for the first half of TBL..and then relax for the second half). The whole way to work (all 2.5 miles of it) I was mentally kicking myself in the butt for eating! WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!

Tonight dinner is leftover lasagna. There were two pieces left...so taht's what we are having for dinner....with a nice salad. I have to stay away from the dinner rolls!!!!!

Hail, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yesterday I was pondering exercise and if I should go outside and ride or if I should 'wimp' out and ride on the exercise bike. After all, it was calling for rain! AND the roads were wet! I mean, come on! But, I started to think and realized that on the day of my bike ride, I may be riding on wet roads. I may be riding in rain. I won't have a say in it. SOOOOO, I put on my new rain jacket, popped my cell phone into a pocket, turned on the ipod and away I went. 18.5 miles later and I was home. It didn't rain or anything on me. All was good. My legs actually felt find also! I probably would have gone further, but I had given a time that I would be home so that my husband and I could run some errands, and that time was drawing nigh.

SOooo....I got brave thinking a little rain couldn't hurt me!!! Whew...was I wrong. You see, shortly after I got back it did start to rain....and then it started to hail! A LOT! Thank heavens I wasn't out on my bike during that hail storm!!!

Yesterday evening I made food for tonight. We are having company (and they will be here at 6:30....and I don't get off of work until shortly after 6~~we close at 6...so how ever long it takes us to close up and balance our drawers). SO I made lasagna and prepared stuff for a salad. I also made tortilla dessert cups. They as so good and actually somewhat not too bad for me. :-) So I sit here now...the house is clean, the table is set and I'll be leaving for work soon!

Remnants of hail storm

Remnants of hail storm, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Goin' Solo

Well, as I wrote yesterday, I went solo. So the question this morning is how in the world did I do flying solo without that crutch?

Well....I got home from work at about 6:15. Todd was not to be home until later, so I was on my own for dinner. No problem. When this occurs I am tickled to have a pb&J or grilled cheese and tomato soup. I opted for the grilled cheese route. Not a problem. I make it as healthy as possible and besides that, I was ok on my food budgeting for the day to allow for that soup and sandwich. I've had a lot on my mind the last few days and yesterday evening it was just all there. I was thinking about 'things' while I made dinner. I went into auto pilot mode. Looking back I do remember wondering why I didn't get enough cheese out of the fridge, but no problem, I just went and got the extra that I needed. I plated my food and sat down to eat. Since I was alone I decided to be ultra impolite (to myself??) or whatever the reason was that my mom always spouted when i tried this......and I opened my book and read while I was eating. Not a problem (shhhh don't tell mom, but I do this a lot when I'm alone). I was finishing up when all of a sudden I realized what i had done. Oh my word.....on auto pilot, I didn't make one sandwich! I made the old MaryFran's portion of sandwiches....and still in auto-pilot (and reading to drown my thoughts) I ATE THEM ALL! They were tasty...I'll say that. (As a side note...and actually rather amusing, I was in doubt about what I did.....so I actually looked in the garbage can to count the cheese wrappers, to find out how much I really did eat.) My stomach has been telling me that I didn't eat correctly yesterday too! But that quick...I took my eyes and thought off of what I was doing and I slipped into the old ways.

Lets talk about the old ways. The old ways are not just a week or two in the past. They are not even a month or two in the past. The old ways are literally YEARS past! I have been living this healthier lifestyle for a couple years! And these old ways are still deeply buried???? YIKES! I've always known that this would be a lifelong quest....but I didn't realize the extent that this stuff is buried.

Sooooo....lesson learned. Although honestly, other than giving myself a mental slap every once in a while while I'm cooking and eating to keep myself focused I don't know how to prevent against something like last night happening. It happened before I even realized it.

Cutting the apron strings

Weight watchers will always have a soft spot in my heart. Weight watchers helped motivate me and get me over a hump in my weight loss journey. But I really do feel that my time at weight watchers is at an end for the time being. Yes, I may go back eventually. (I've always said that the lifetime thing is a godsend because it would help keep constant accountability). However at this time, the meetings are just not doing it for me. Firstly, getting to a meeting is no longer a priority. When I do go to a meeting, I've struggled finding one that fits me schedule and my needs. So i have decided to stop spending $40 a month to not attend any weight watchers meetings. As I said, I will probably go back later......I can't predict the future though. But for right now my official weight watcher days are over. I'm a little sad and a little worried. Paying that monthly fee each month has been a bit of a crutch for me.....always reminding me that "I'm paying good money to lose weight...so LOSE it" But in the long run I have to look at myself and where I am.

I will forever be grateful to the weight watchers program for what it taught me. I learned and shaped my eating. I learned to make healthier options instead of simply eating nutritionally empty foods. I learned to manage and budget my eating. I learned that I can do it. But on that same breath, that crutch that weight watchers was for me I think has also become somewhat of a hindrance. I need to stand up on my on two feet and finish this journey the way I started....on my own.

So, just 5 minutes ago, I logged onto the weight watchers website and cut the financial ties to weight watchers. I am officially on my own again. I'll be honest. I'm scared to death! But I know in my heart that this is the right choice for me.

*****

My weight this morning...UP UP UP and away. I'm hoping a good deal of that is water retention because of the wonderful monthly cycle. I'm also just incredibly thirsty this morning. I'm swallowing the water at a pretty fast rate. (who knows what's up with that). I've already ridden on the exercise bike for about 45 minutes this morning and I hope to ride again this evening. :-) I am however almost at the end of the Australian Biggest Loser...I'll be looking for something else to watch on youtube...anyone have any great ideas????

Confession

Yesterday started out great. I ate my cheerios, checked my email and then Todd and I headed off to the gym. I worked out for about 70 minutes. It was actually a pretty decent workout so I'm good with that. We left the gym and I went to the vehicle emissions testing place and had my emissions test done on my car. (yep, passed.....not that I was expecting anything else). After that we had the big 'where are we going to eat discussion'. We ended up at Golden Corral. (EVERY local place we stopped at was closed for some odd reason). I actually did really good. I had a salad with a small amount of dressing and just a sprinkle of cheese. That was my first plate. The second plate had ALL veggies..and the good thing about the GC is that they steam a lot of their veggies. The third and final plate had fruit and my sole collection of 'bad food'. I had one little spoon (one bite) of mac and cheese, one little bite of potato salad, and one hush puppy. Todd and I split the hush puppy and I didn't eat the potato salad...after looking at it it looked funky.

Before I go on....that was not three FULL plates of food. For example, my second plate of food had a scoop of green beans, two spears of steamed broccoli and a scoop of steamed carrots and maybe one or two 'clumps' (what's the word I want to use?) of steamed cauliflower. And that was the extent of plate two. Plate three had a small scoop of mandarin oranges, about 10 grapes and the aforementioned 'bad food'. The salad plate was...well mostly lettuce..and about 1/4-1/2 of a plate full. So three plates...but little food on each plate. :-)

As we were driving home, we were talking about dinner (yeah, isn't that so sad...just finish lunch and already discussing what we were going to eat for dinner). Todd asked for homemade pizza. I knew that was a bit high in points/calories so I planned on cleaning the house and then hitting the exercise bike to help compensate for some of the extra calories/points. Uhhhhhhh I never made it that far. I did however spend a good deal of time cleaning the house. AND ~~hanging head in shame!~~ I ate half of the pizza. 16 points worth of pizza (at least it was somewhat healthy....fat free cheese and whole wheat crust!!!). And if that wasn't enough....we watched a movie later in the evening and I made popcorn!!! (air-popped....but I did add some low cal spray butter).

Ack! too much food.

"Did you order something?"

"Did you order something?", originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

This box has been laying by my desk for the last few days. The cats have been sniffing around it from day one. But being as it's a small box, no on attempted to get in it....until today. Ahhhhh how can people live without animals...they are always good for a chuckle!

Well, apparently the family member is going under the knife this upcoming Friday to have the gastric bypass surgery. There is nothing that I can do. I was talking to my mom and while she thinks it is a crazy decision that this family member made, my mom was defending this persons choice. Why is she defending it? Because of a 'study' out there that shows that for diabetics they have found that within a few weeks post op that these newly gastric bypassed people are no longer diabetic. (first of all I said, who's doing this study...most likely the same doctors that are getting rich off of performing the surgeries) I started to argue the point that these patients are no longer diabetic because they are no longer eating the foods that cause their blood sugars to skyrocket and plummet! My mom was saying, "no, it's the surgery". I reminded her about the fact that ALL of the diabetics on the biggest loser turn it around and are no longer diabetic short way through the show! And they didn't have surgery. It's diet!!! My mom just doesn't want to hear it...because that pushes the fault of her type II diabetes even more fully onto her shoulders. Breaks my heart.

As expected, my weight popped up a bit this morning. Frustrating, but I know why (TOM) so I'm not worried about it. Eating...still plugging along and trying to be really conscious of points and calories!

Really considering dropping weight watchers. The only thing that is keeping me a member is the fact that if I can just get my weight down a bit more, I'll be back to lifetime status...and that is a good card to have in my pocket! Wimped out yesterday in reference to the outdoor bike ride. I ended up riding inside! :-) Hey, it was cold and windy!

Focus on weight loss. My focus is on weight loss! Yeah, I'm keeping up with other obligations and commitments, but my focus is on my weight and health!

I was emailing a friend this morning and encouraging her to take control of her eating and exercise. I reminded her to think about how good she feels when she is eating right. And all of a sudden I remembered the pride and confidence that I feel when I personally am making wise choices in my eating. Yes, some of the confidence that I experience is tied to the scales or how my clothes are feeling. But there is a huge portion that is directly related to my choices of food when it comes to eating. Being in control of something that rules my life, that rules my decisions is so powerful that words can not describe it. Eating a healthy meal, choosing a healthy meal at a restaurant, making wise decisions about food is the best confidence builder.

I've been actually doing really good. I have a friend that's been telling me that it is very possible that I've been under eating. I had a hard time believing this as I've never under eaten in my entire life! Heck, I've been stubborn about it! (sorry Sherry for doubting you) But this past week when i actually 'accidentally' ate more and started losing....yikes! Could she have been right? Sooo yesterday, I consciously watched every bite I ate. I was determined that I would eat roughly half of my activity points for the day. (I'm also doing a parallel calorie count on fitday.com......and I'm watching my calories burned versus my intake of calories). And I did. I ate over my normal allowance for points and/or calories

So the results.....this morning, even after eating more food than normal yesterday...I dropped again! I'm back in the one hundreds. 199.2 I'm trying to not get excited about being back in onderland. Simply because the ick is around the corner and that usually pops my weight back up a pound or two....so realistically I may backtrack...short term though!

My last thought of the day is a saying that I used to keep as my mantra. It was Think Thin. "think thin" really sums it up. I have to 'think thin' when I'm making my decisions. I have to think about how badly I want to be thin when making my food choices and when I'm deciding how long to exercise. I have to keep those thin goals first and foremost in my head and "Think Thin"

Fluke??

Well, my weight that I was utterly amazed at yesterday wasn't a fluke! Today I was down a bit further even. I'm skirting on the edge of getting back out of those darn pesky 200's! I am seriously going to have to get serious (haa ha aha....what a crazy sentence...seriously...serious) about logging my calories. I was exercising like a maddog and eating relatively within my points and I wasn't losing an ounce. I've eased up the last few days and voila, the weight drops. Oh yeah, and I eat more those few days. This makesno sense what-so-ever! The only conclusion I can come to....somehow the points allowance that I've been eating is not what I need to lose at this point. Maybe it is too low with the massive exercise. YIKES! Does that mean that I've been not eating enough? MaryFran undereat????? Woah! What a kicker though. I overate at lunch on Thursday....I could have gone to that banquet and had rolls and high fatty salad dressings and a whole dessert. But no, I went and ate reasonably, even after I had my little slip up at lunch. And look what happened....I honestly lost weight! What would have happened if I had given up for the day and eating like a starving pig for dinner also????

This morning I was looking for a shirt to wear to work. I grabbed a pink tee out of the drawer (to wear as a base layer here at work). I meant to grab one of my comfy roomy big teeshirts. (well, not one of the 2x ones, they are the swallow me whole tee shirts...but just a comfy roomy teeshirt). Well, my hand reached for pink and I pulled out a small tee shirt. One that fit me perfectly at my lowest weight. Now granted, that's only 15 pounds or so...so we are not talking umpteen pounds (although 15 pounds more to go seems like umpteen at times). I said, what the heck. All of my clothes still fit, some are just tighter than others. And I noticed that with this little weight gain that I've had, I've gone back to 'frumpier' clothes that I wear. My confidence levels had plumeted in direct proportion to my weight gain. I put on the sized just right shirt. I'm not overtly happy with the roll around my belly that is highly visible because the shirt may be a tad tighter than it was when I bought it. However, being honest...the roll is also a tad bigger also! But I'm wearing it. The roll would still be there and still visible with my roomy comfy clothes. This shirt fits just fine, it is not clinging to me in any way, it's just not billowing around my body in waves of loose fabric.

Lessons learned thus far today...oh heck, this week!
1. Don't underestimate your body....it can do crazy things when least expected.
2. Confidence.....wear it!
3. Perserverance is all mental...it has not much to do with ability.
4. Start over this instance. Do not wait until tomorrow, or the beginning of the week, or whenever. Start now....it's not tooo late!
5. With proper care, a saddle sore/follicle cyst can go bye bye within a few days!

I started thinking today about something. Todd has a 'touchy' digestive system. We have to go natural and organic as much as possible and when we don't go natural and organic we are constantly reading labels to see how 'unnatural' the ingredients are. One of the main no-nos is High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS). Kelloggs cereals are a huge offender. I think pretty much every one of their cereals have HFCS in it! So we've been looking at some of these bargain stores like Aldi's and Sav-A-Lot to compare prices and products. We are finding that these bargain stores and their cheap generic store brand cereals are made without HFCS. What???? I'm spending more money on Kelloggs cereals....and I'm getting HFCS which is bad bad bad! I can pay less money and get cereals without? What???? And they tout HCFS to be cheaper and help keep our costs down. Whatever! Soooo Todd is in his glory eating all these cereals that before were taboo!

Speaking of Todd's digestive system....on Thursday night I had the honor of sitting beside someone that I started talking to and we just clicked. It was like we had known each other for ages...and we had similar beliefs and thoughts on a whole lot of things. She has become a vegetarian in recent years. Basically she watched her daughter struggle with asthma. Asthma so bad that this daughter was using her inhaler at least once an hour. Her daughter went vegetarian and the asthma disappeared. (the daughter now goes deep sea diving....so that tells you how her asthma is). So this lady started going vegetarian herself...she said she couldn't ignore the proof. I was highly interested because Todd and I always talk about how it would be a short jump for us to go vegetarian. In fact, I've bought vegetarian recipe books and whatnot over the years, because I see us goign that route. Well, I came home...Todd's digestive system is getting all whacky again. We can't figure out what is sneaking in...I'm almost anal about reading the labels and such...so we don't know what is causing him to be sick. I'm thinking maybe I should try to incorporate more vegetarian stuff to see if that helps!

How???

I don't know how....but my weight yesterday morning was 203.6. Yesterday I didn't drink near enough water. And at lunch I had a little binge. Instead of my fruits and veggies at lunch....to give me extra points for dinner....which was at a banquet, I had grilled cheese and tomato soup and strawberries(yes, made with the lowest and healthiest ingredients and methods). THEN I had a 100 cal cookie (2 points), and that wasn't enough so I then went and had a dark chocolate candy bar (it was stuck in the freezer....I had gotten it for free months ago...and put it in the freezer because I knew I wouldn't be eating it...oh yeah, see what happened), and THEN I had a snack bar! WHEW! We went to the banquet and I ate what they served (I passed on the bread basket and I split the most scrumptious fudgy brownie with Todd). So I didn't eat all that well. Yet my weight went down to 200.4. WHAT?????? I'll take it!!!
Had a nice time at the banquet last night. I picked up a little more support for my bike ride! WOo hooo! Hopefully the people that promised will carry through. (I did bring home a check though from one person.....wooo hooo!)

Exercise yesterday.....non-existant. I did however help Todd cart the sound system/pa around town (up and down stairs and whatnot) during the afternoon and then after the banquet (he provided the sound system for the entertainment). So does that count?????? tee hee hee

Today, I'm going to do my best to get some exercise in...but it's another busy day...I probably won't be home until late. ARRGGGHHH

Ride news

Went out on the bike yesterday....I don't know why, but my legs are soooo freakin' sore today! there is no reasoning behind it. I've done worse rides (with wind...or hills) and no problem. It seems like this leg aching pain after a ride hits mysteriously with no warning or reasoning. (One time I had done a large road ride with hills and was fine...but a day or so later did a little 9 miler on the canal...flat...and that small easy ride wiped me out!) I've got to figure this stuff out. Maybe it's something that I'm eating! That doesn't seem likely..but hey, you never know.

Meanwhile, it's rainy today. With the weight gone from my body and thereby my knees, it's easy to forget that I suffer from arthritis. When I was larger, the knees always hurt from the immense pressure that my weight was putting on them...but that constant pain has eased up. Now it's just changes in the weather that put a little pain in the knees. As I said earlier.....it's raining. Thus the knees are hurting! ARRGGGHHH

So yep, my knees hurt......my legs ache from my ride! I'm just feeling 'peachy'.

Ohhhhh I almost didn't say anything. My ride yesterday 24.04. It wasn't until much later....after the ride, that my legs started to ache. Hey, I can deal with that! Ride like the wind, pay the price later! :-)

Deep thoughts and reflections

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Val! Your generosity has really touched my soul! I can't even express how much! Thank you!

I was reading blogs this morning and got to thinking about my weight and what caused me to start losing. I thought I would list them here...as a reminder to myself. You see, after losing a significant amount of weight, those ailments and reasons are pushed aside or have disappeared (some fully, some for the most part) and it's easy to forget why I'm doing this. So here goes.

1. My weight was going to kill me sooner or later. It would have been a miracle if I did not end up with diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and every other weight related illness known to man. I had already been diagnosed with high cholesterol and had had a few instances where my blood pressure was elevated...nothing regular thank the Lord!

2. I was sick constantly. It was not abnormal for my stomach to hurt and to spend half of the night clutching my stomach and rushing to the bathroom.

3. Knees. At the tender young age of 28 I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my knees. The doctor bluntly told me that the only thing that would really help was to remove as much weight as possible from my knees. I didn't really pay attention and do anything about it....and then I started feeling the pain in my hips. (apparently when the knees go, the hips sometimes follow)

4. To be able to dress how I want and not in whatever clothes I find that fit me without looking terrible.

5. It hurt to watch family member struggle with their weight and illnesses...and I knew I was following in their footsteps!

*************

A long time ago I realized that I lose more weight when I am completely focused on losing. Almost as if losing weight is my sole purpose in life and all else is secondary. I noticed that when that focus slipped, I started to not lose weight. ohhhh I may have maintained some weeks, but eventually I would gain.

In September I started a 365 project in which I take a picture a day for a year. I made it 6 months....it became my focus. I thought constantly about what I was going to take a picture of...I thought about what I could do to that picture in photoshop. I spent hours playing around with the camera...on the computer... I read books...etc etc etc. Not that that was a bad thing....but my focus was on my photography. Is it a coincidence that my weight started spiralling out of control in October? I even started doing a monthly scavenger hunt with my camera....taking my attention even further into photography. Once again, not a bad thing......unless that focus could be better spent on something else......me.

In the last week I've been thinking. While I don't want to really stop the 365 project...I know that I need to readjust my priorities and make losing weight my primary goal. That has to be my focus...even above my training for this ride. Losing weight is number one. Luckily, the training should enhance my weight loss. :-) But my main focus needs to go back to losing the weight!

Way to go to the contestants on The Biggest loser for persevering through and completing their own half marathon! It reminds me of something that my brother talked about when I called him for training advice. He told me that distance biking (the advice is the same for running) is more of a mental battle than anything else. You have to have your mind wrapped around the objective (finishing what you set out to do) and then go for it and don't look back! He talked about how he has gone on 100 rides with people that have had little or no training (in fact he has done it some years) and how they push through the pain and focus on their objective and they do it! The contestants talked about how Tara and Sione could do it because they run 6 miles at the ranch. 6 miles is NOT 13 miles. Yeah, they may be more conditioned and better prepared than someone that doesn't run at all (yeah, some of them looked really awkward running...but hey, not all are runners and even though they looked awkward, they finished. Like I was saying 6 miles is not a half marathon...they were not prepared and conditioned to run a half marathon. So how did they finish? What pushed them to continue through the pain. Ohhh yeah, it was that mental training. They had their mind wrapped into their mission. They were focused on the goal.

I had a really difficult time holding in my emotions when the contestants went home. I hope that at some point on the show they actually come back and say (or I can find out somehow) that Ron's son (not mike...the one at home) has started to lose and that he is getting healthy. Tore my heart out! Yeah to Kirsten's sisters for taking control and losing weight in conjunction to their mother and sister being on the shoe! While my heart aches for Aubry's father (who wouldn't be bothered by a 500 pound man). I wanted to shake Aubrey. She went on the attack I think with her father. Come on...he's 500 pounds! He can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. He doesn't know where to start to change! Don't preach at him....teach him!!!! Show him where he needs to start. Hounding someone is not going to make them change!

Ok, enough of my thoughts on The biggest loser!

Change of plans

You know, I had a whole long post planned about my woes in training. Namely a bit of sore (a follicle cyst actually) that rubs when I ride. (Mainly on the exercise bike). But things changed.

I was humbled by my blog. I started writing my blog as an outlet for my feelings as I have followed this path to good health. I thought that it would be a great way to keep a record of the ups and downs of my journey. Basically chronicling my weight loss. I didn't know it would take this long, and I didn't have any idea how many times I would slip. But I did. Somewhere along the way I picked up some readers. Cool...but my blog is still my outlet, my place to be open and honest with myself about what's happening. I let it all hang out on here (in regards to my weight loss efforts). Today I received something in the mail (thank you Valerie!) that really brought me up short and made me realize how much my words and thoughts are being read. My words, my struggles have the capacity to help others even as I still feel as if I'm failing miserably in this journey. I realize that true failure is giving up. But, in the strictest sense of the word, I have felt like a failure of late. I have gained weight and I'm struggling to get it back off. (Even today...supposedly my day two of being on track, I ate too much at lunch...not bad stuff...but just more than I needed). But admitting the issues is not failure. Failure can only occur if i throw in the towel and say I don't' care, I"m not going to try anymore.

And that long paragraph is there to say that I shouldn't feel like a failure....yes, I've gained a bit back...and I'm struggling....but I've not given up, which is the only sure fire failure!

OK...I will give a brief highlight of the happenings:

*Yes, yesterday I did really good with eating and drinking. Today I overindulged at lunch. I had cottage cheese, strawberries, applesauce, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and not one...but two 1 point weight watcher cookies! With what is planned for dinner, I'll be a bit over my points. I was thinking in terms of failure before I got my mail at the post office...but I'm not going to do that anymore. Soooooo looking at it successfully...here goes. While I ate too much according to my new standards. I can guarantee that there 'twas a day that what I ate for lunch would have been considered an appetizer.....and a pretty lame one at that. My overindulgence (other than the 1 point cookies) was all healthy foods. Foods that are good for me. I didn't overindulge in foods that were unhealthy for me (well, except for the cookies...but even they were at least 1 pointers instead of the high pointed homemade ones).
*My weight dropped this morning. I did good yesterday and saw a drop on the scales. (maybe I'll take every ones advice and ignore the scales for the next few days). The positive. I can see how a day of healthy 'living' can make a difference.
*Training continueth. I rode last night. I didn't ride this morning. It was really overcast (Of course I come to work and the sun comes out and dries up the roads). The positive. Todd and i are planning on going out tomorrow for a long ride. I was nervous about doing a big hilly ride today and still having some energy in my legs for tomorrows ride. So the decision making was taken away from me.
*At the risk of giving TMI, I have a bit of a problem. The saddle on the upright exercise bike rubs me in a bad way....and has caused a bit of a sore. No, this is not a failure...it's a minor little problem that will be attended to. The positive.....well, I can say that this is my first ever sports injury! At 315 pounds my name and the phrase 'sports injury' were never uttered in the same breath!

Positive thinking!!!

I'm still feeling down. Right now I'm mostly bummed about my weight. I had that one week of doing really good. And then I had a week or two of a lackluster attempt. Weight gains when it didn't seem like I should have a weight gain, which caused me to not care and eat more than I should. I honestly don't like the way I feel with this extra weight. AND I'm tired of fighting my wardrobe because everything is getting tighter! I woke up this morning and I'm determined to renew my effort and get back on track though. This cycle has got to stop. I've said this so many times that I'm sick of hearing myself say it. How does one do this though? I've lost so much weight...I should have this figured out by now...yet I find myself floundering.

Meanwhile, I calculated last weeks training figures. I only rode outdoors once....for 19.1 miles (roughly two hours) and I rode on the exercise bike for 370 minutes. That means that I spent 8.17 hours on a bike last week. (this training stuff takes time) Yes, I took a day off...I know how important it is to have a day of rest. I'm not sure what today will bring bike wise. I get off at three. I know I will get some hours in the saddle. The question is...outside or inside? It is a 30% chance of rain and mid 50's...so I'm leaning toward inside....especially since Tuesday and Wednesday are supposed to be sunny (no chance of rain) and in the 60's and 70's! However, a big ride today would work best in my training plans...because I could do a smaller ride (or inside ride) tomorrow and be ready to do another big ride on Wednesday (supposed to be sunny and nice temps) with Todd. So who knows what I end up doing. I do know that Friday will most likely be my day of rest as I work open to close and then I will have to run to Hagerstown to take care of my parents cat while they are on vacation (about 20 minutes drive from my house...so about 40 minutes round trip...plus time in the house to pet the cat and check on everything). I may not have the time that day!

I"m still here...feeling lackluster and all that. But I'm here. I did get in a ride early this afternoon and another one in after dinner. (45 minutes and 50 minutes respectively). Both on the exercise bike as it was rainy and icky here.

Check out the give away on Cammy's site.

I don't really have much to say today. I'm feeling blah and a bit down in the dumps.....the scales are just not cooperating. And it's frustrating as all get out.

Wind.....

Hmmm...my Wednesday off of work. I woke up early and hit up a weight watcher meeting first thing in the morning. I posted a slight gain. Could it be water (we had a packaged/processed dinner due to time constraints the night before? Could it be that we ate later than normal on TUesday night (I had a late meeting at work)? Who knows? Am I worried and stressed about it? NOPE! What I am worried and upset about is that something clicked in my brain after my weigh in and well.....I decided to have a free day of eating. After my meeting I had a bowl of cheerios. Not too bad....not off target....just about right I'd say. Lunch we had turkey subs...homemade. (Whole wheat sub roll, turkey, fat free sliced cheese, lots of lettuce and onion). I had a serving of grapes and a serving of cottage cheese. Still not tooo bad. We went for a bike ride (more on that later) and then the problems began. Todd asked for lemon poppy seed muffins. Ohh yeah, I had some batter. Then I made a cherry angel food cake. (this is actually for work...for a pot luck that we are having tomorrow.....but of course I ate a little batter). THEN, I made homemade pizza for dinner. (wheat thin crust...but still.....I'd say probably 16 points for what I ate.) I did at least have applesauce with dinner. (hey, I normally eat between 5 and 8 servings of fruits and veggies...yesterday I was sorely lacking). When I went to bed, my stomach was HURTING! My body was saying, "I don't like the food choices that you have made!"

Todd and I decided to go for a bike ride yesterday. It was about 60 degrees outside. We decided to go down to the canal across from Harpers Ferry. Fun stuff. We bundled up...because 60 is still cold when you facter in the movement and all that. We hopped on the bikes and headed downstream. I honestly expected to not go very far as Todd hasn't been out much on his bike. I was thinking to Weaverton (lock 31 and back) Which would put as at about 6 miles total. I was ok with that...I could go home and ride the exercise bike to bet the rest of my time completed for the day. Todd complained about how cold it was. I laughed, usually I'm the one that's cold...but you can tell that I've been out more on my bike in the cold (I've gone out in the mid to upper 40's recently) and I WAS bundled up better than him. He acclimented to the weather...or it got warmer....not sure which...but either way he did eventually take off his outer layer leaving a teeshirt.....I actually took off of my outer jacket....leaving a teeshirt and sweatshirt, which I then eventually had to push the sleeves up on.). Anyway, we got to Weaverton and Todd kept trucking on along. WOO HOOO! I was faintly optimistic that we would make it to Brunswick....which is about 5 miles from Harpers Ferry....which would make a ten mile ride. WOO HOOOO...we made it. And Todd said, "lets go a bit further". We went to The catoctin Aqueduct.....9.5 miles from Harpers Ferry. We stopped to look around. We contemplated going another half mile to make it an even ten both ways...but we both like to turn at landmarks...so we decided 9.5 was enough for the day. We turned around. And worked our way back. The ride was nice.......UNTIL 2 miles from the end. And that is when the wind picked up. When I say it picked up, I really mean it picked up. Apparently the wind was whipping at about 20-30 mph! AGAINST us! I dropped to my lowest gear and I was pushing for all I was worth.....and my top speed? Ohh yeah, my top speed was 2-3 mph! At one point an extra strong wind hit me and it stopped me and pushed me backwards! (It was absolutely crazy). The wind was whipping up the dirt off the towpath and blinding me. All I can say is that the last two miles were pure hell! I worked HARD those last two!

My weight is up a little today. Not as bad as I expected. I'm glad I weighed myself though...becuase I need to see the damage that is caused by poor eating choices. I mean, I rode the bike for 2 hours yesterday....I shouldn't have seen a gain! My eating negated the weight loss that I could have posted after a great workout! That is sad!

Deep inner babbling

Don't really know what to talk about today. My weight is down (by roughly half a pound) so that is a relief. My schedule is most likely going to be changing here soon...so I'll be back on the lookout for another weight watcher meeting. I'm seriously thinking about going to a WV meeting. It's at the same time as my old meeting. That time slow just really seemed to work for me. The problem....that meeting place doesn't use the same system as my current, so to switch back and forth is a pain in the butt. They also don't sell and really use the monthly passes, but they do accept them as payment (at least they did last time I went) so they have to fill out extra paperwork when I go with my monthly pass. And thirdly, their products are more expensive than the products at my MD meeting. Go figure. But, I think I'm going to switch to that next week. It will be easier for me...I won't break into the middle of a day, or push me to get to work or anything like that. I won't have to worry about my work schedule changing and interrupting my meeting time, etc etc etc. What I'll do when I need products. I'll stock up in MD tomorrow (I think I'm going to go to a morning meeting tomorrow...Wednesday) and then I'll be good for a month or so. When I run out of stuff, I'll go to my normal meeting in Kearneysville but then make a special trip up to the MD/Kenley Village location for a second meeting that week...and buy my products up there. I don't buy all that many products so it won't be too bad. (I think i bought about $20 worth of stuff back in the beginning of January.....and I'm just now running out.....)

This morning I was exercising (yep, 70 minutes down on the exercise bike......I wanted to get in some this morning as it will be a long day of work for me.....9 until 6:15...and then I need to go to Robbery Training tonight. That will be from 6:30 until approximately 8. So we are talking about an 11 hour day. I'll get home....make (finish making, Todd should beat me home so he'll start dinner)dinner and then eat...and then watch The Biggest Loser. I hope to ride a bit during the show. But I know that after a long day like this, that riding may be the last thing that I want to do tonight. Anyway, I was riding this morning and watching an episode of The Biggest Loser Australian season 3. It is nearing the end of the season.....when they do the typical hike where they have 'gates' and at each gate they have to add sandbags to their backpack to symbolize the weight that they lost each week thus far in the program. At the top, one of the contestants, Michelle was talking to bob and Jillian (yep, they are on the show) and Jillian was asking, "what's in the backpack". Michelle was having a hard time answering. It got me thinking.....what would I answer. I immediately knew what my answer would be. "Pain, misery and sadness". Jillian finally got Michelle to answer and Michelle answered very similarly to what I responded with. But then Jillian pushed and made her answer the question of why she wanted to feel that way....and something clicked with me. My weight was maybe not put on for this reason, but it became a defense mechanism that I used. Defense against what? I am a preachers daughter and it was known around my high school that I was such. I never gave ANY indication that I was a rebel and wild. But it was a well known fact in my high school that preachers daughters were wild and would do anything with a guy. (I guess there were a few that lived up to that typical stereotype that made some of these guys think that I would be that way). I was asked out a lot in high school.......but the conversation would usually turn to something like this. "I hear you are a preachers daughter.....I've heard about preachers daughters.......you wanna go out on Friday night?" 9 times out of 10 it was pretty easy to deduce the reasoning behind the invitation. As I gained weight in high school, the invitations decreased....(they still came, just not as often). It was easier that way, since I wasn't going to go out with those guys anyway (yes, I declined each and every one of them). Thus the weight became a defense mechanism....a way to help protect myself. I don't need that defense anymore.

Well, my fingers are cold, so I'm going to end this post.

Challenge

I'm not sure if I need to calculate this past weekend as a success or as a failure with my eating. I made the best choices that I could. We ate out twice....at diners! Now lets think about diner food. On Friday night, I had a turkey wrap (no cheese), a salad and soup. My points for the day, iffy...guessing on the points becuase..well restaurant, I have no clue. But I feel as if I probably went over by 2 points. Yesterday we went to another diner for lunch. I had a turkey sub (no cheese), a salad and a side of green beans. (both turkey sandwiches were PILED high with the veggies). I calculated/guesstimated my points to the best of my ability and went on. I did eat a ligher dinner last night, trying to compensate for my lunch. But alas, this morning I kept hitting the snooze (gotta get used to the new time) and I was rushing around and didn't weigh myself ....shucks. So I don't know where I stand. I will say that while I worry about my weight after this weekend. I'm happy with my choices. I felt totally satisfied with the food that I ate at these diners. AND I thoroughly enjoyed the company and fellowship that was there. So I'm satisfied.

The challenge will come tonight. I can be a bit of a closet eater. I know that I have a tendency to struggle on the nights that Todd is not there and that I'm 'eating dinner alone." It's soooo easy to slip food onto my plate. To snitch extras. Sometimes I go into the kitchen with a clear cut plan and it falls apart when i actually see the food. It's crazy! SOOO anywy, the challenge will be that Todd will not be at home this evening. I'll be home alone...eating alone. I've actually got a healthy amount of points left after my breakfast and lunch. Breakfast was an egg and cheese sandwich....5 points and Lunch was boccoli and cheese (1point) and corn (2 point), strawberries (1 point) and pineappe (1 point). So at my current weight, that leaves me 15 points left. That is pretty healthy. So as long as I can hold it under control I'll be ok.

Training. Yesterday I took the day off. I woke up and before I even got out of bed my legs felt heavy. I made it through the day but it just wasn't happening. I'm planning on getting in some kind of ride (be it exercise bike, outdoor or a spin class) tonight. I've added something to my exercise journal. (Yes, I keep a 3 ring binder that has a record of my exercise going back quite a ways....I also have my training plan and spreadsheet for this training in there also). Anyway, I'm adding something. I'm writing on each day how my legs feel. I'm curious. Does the 'weighted affect' in my legs change according to how much I rode previous days? It's all very intriguing to me. So, I've decided to start watching to see what in the world my body does and how it responds. I can even tie it into my food...maybe my food had something to do with my dead legs. Hmmmmm