drive, heart and focus

Well, I stepped on the scales this morning..  Not the greatest results. Yes I gained.  I'm not going to lie and say that it was all out of my control. It wasn't.  No one force fed me food.  I made the choices.  Some of the choices were more difficult.  Some of the choices were out of my control. (that said I am still the one that made the final choices and decisions about what to put into my mouth).    Am I angry at myself?  No.  Am I disappointed with myself.  Yes.  I'm disappointed because I made poor choices. Why am I not angry with myself?  I am not angry with myself because I realize that it is totally unrealistic to expect myself to eat perfectly every stinkin' day for the rest of my life. It's unrealistic to think that way.  Being strict is just setting up for failure...because life WILL happen.  There will be days where you forget to take your lunch to work.....and unfortunately there will be times when you meet up with a friend for dinner and find out she ate before you get there (well, hopefully that doesn't happen again, but is DID happen)...there will be gymnastic meets and celebratory dinners afterward.  Life happens.  How those circumstances affect me is where this battle is won or lost. The success comes in learning how to recover from a day or two of non strict eating. If you give up...you lose.  If you accept it as a fact of life and move on it only makes you stronger and puts you one step closer to winning the battle.  I accept and I'm hanging on because I refuse to LOSE!  Shazam!

So my weekend was nuts...eating wise it started on Wednesday when I forgot to bring a lunch and ended up partaking of the free lunch my work provided.   It continued on Thursday with me planning on eating out with a friend only to have the friend eat before I got there, which left me shoveling food into my mouth at 10:30PM (I was within my calories but seriously....while eating peanut butter was a treat,  it was not a totally nutritious meal).  Friday night my husband and I went out for Chinese....I don't know what possessed me, but I didn't calculate my calories BEFORE I ordered.  I didn't even calculate my calories after I ordered but before the food arrived.  I didn't calculate my calories until I got home.  Yup....I ate a BUTT LOAD of calories. (It sure was tasty and I don't regret it at all...I got that meal out of my system..I'd been SOOO hungry for it!)  Saturday and Sunday I did pretty good calorie wise, but was woefully lacking on fruits and veggies.  Today?   I've got my day totally planned and I'm rocking it!  :-)

That all said.  I"m determined that spring is here.  So I'm wearing a short skirt to emphasis my declaration.  I was looking in the mirror while I was getting ready.  I really do like my legs.  So muscular and toned.  Just sayin'.  

Saturday I rode down to Ocean City (Berlin, MD to be more specific) with my sister in law and my niece for my nieces gymnastic meet.  So very proud of Ali...she took first place in two events and second place in two events and walked away with first in All around!  She Rocks it!   It is always fun to watch her compete.  She totally loves gymnastics.  From the day that my brother and sister in law put her in an introductory gymnastics class when she was three years old it was her passion. She flipped around the house.  She moved up the ranks into competitive gymnastics.  She loves it.  When they moved, within days she was asking when she could get into a gymnastics gym and join a team.  They had barely unpacked the truck and my sister in law was visiting gyms and signing on the dotted line for my niece to join a gym and to compete with their team.   As I sat there watching the meet a  meet a few things were startling clear to me.

I watched my niece as she competed.  She was doing stuff that struck fear in my heart.....had I been the one that was cartwheeling across a narrow balance beam or running down a runway that is.  She was cool as a cucumber and made it look extremely simple.  It's not simple. She has WORKED for that level of apparent ease.   This 10 year old girl (barely 10 too) puts my measly hours of exercise to SHAME! Yes, remember my bragging recently (ok, I wasn't really bragging) about my 7 hours of exercise in one week?  She is in the gym for HOURS upon HOURS a week.  As a 10 year old.....hours upon hours! I think the commitment for her level is 12 hours.....that does not include the extra hours that she flips around practicing and doing sit ups (stomach muscles need to be TIGHT to do some of these moves).  That does not include the hours that she puts in at these gymnastic meets (the last four weekends straight).  She is committed to this.  She is focused and LOVES it so it is not a hardship.  She just does it.  Do I hear her moan on occasion because she hears that something fun may happen while she is laboring at the gym?  Absolutely.  Does it deter her from going?  NO.  Focus.  She has it.  And she has done incredibly well.   

There are two to three components that my 10 year old niece has in place.  I need to follow her lead.  What are those components?   

1.  Follow your heart.  She loves gymnastics.  LOVES, BREATHES and LIVES it!  Exercise is finding out what makes your heart go pitter patter.  Is it running for me?  I don't know.  Is it biking?  I don't know.  Zumba?   Could be, who knows.  Maybe for me it is a combination of everything. I just know that if you are not totally immersed and happy with what you are doing you will lose interest....lose focus....and lose your drive to do it!

2.  My niece has grown to realize that sore muscles...an aching ankle...even a broken bone are part of life.  Hurting is only a temporary thing.  It doesn't stop her.  So often we as adults stop doing things because it 'hurts' or because we MIGHT get hurt.   But sometimes pain is necessary to progress.  My niece has realized this....she just puts on the ankle brace when it hurts and continues on.  She broke her wrist a few years back yet only missed a practice or two.....she still went and stretched out and did everything possible that she could do.

3.  If you want it.....go after it.  12 hours plus in the gym is a lot for a young child.  My niece is being home schooled again this year...but when she did go to public school she literally would get home from school grab a snack change her clothes and walk right out the door to head to the gym.  She would be there for hours and get home later in in the evening....rush to take a shower, do homework and fall into bed. She packs dinner to eat while she is at the gym.   That is the life she leads (by choice, my brother and his wife do NOT push at all...there is actually very little focus on competition....as long as she is having fun they don't care what scores she gets...although they are very proud when she does well).  She leads it by choice..why?  Because she has a focus. She wants to perfect her moves.  She wants to do things perfectly and accomplish moves that she struggles with. She has a drive that pushes her when she doesn't want to go on. 

Important lessons to learn.  So important!   I want this.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be thin.  I actually want to be athletic.(kinda shocked me to write that!)  So I will not run at the first sign of an achy muscle.  I will not run at the first sign of difficulty or inconvenience.  I will push forward and be willing to work for it.  I will surround myself with activities that I love...activities that will ultimately help me reach my goal!

After the meet, we had just a few minutes to run over to the beach.  My niece had never been to the Ocean (remember they just moved from the mid west...there are no oceans near where they lived...and all vacations were spent visiting family) so we took her the few miles to check it out.  It was so gorgeous...now I'm dying to go back!!

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Heaving + Running = fun times

I was on cloud nine when I got to work after my walk yesterday.  Seriously.  I was feeling on top of the world.   Yeah, I did have a bit of a blister on the bottom of my foot, but that was just an annoyance but otherwise all was good.  I had conquered and won a self imposed challenge!  And then the menu for lunch was dropped on my desk.  I had made waffles for breakfast at the house before my trek into town.  (waffles with berries and a strawberry syrup).  I didn't need much food. I had planned a light lunch because of that.  But the bank was paying...so I ordered 1/2 a turkey sub.  (a little higher in calories than I would have normally chosen after the waffles, but still OK)  My manager went ahead and got the whole sub for me (it was the same price..winter special).  I wasn't upset. She talked to me before hand and I had decided that I would just eat it for lunch tomorrow....no packing alunch  needed.  It would be in the fridge at work waiting for me.  All was right in my world.  I pulled up MPF and put my food in. Uhhh, I would only have 300 calories for dinner.  But I made my plans. 

I texted Todd and had him pull a steak out of the freezer for himself.  I planned to make mashed potatoes and veggies.  I would eat a small amount of potatoes and then load up on fruits and veggies.  I was A-OK with that.   But, best laid plans.......

Todd texted me back a little later and asked if I would mind if he made some kind of stir-fry with his steak.  Well of course I didn't mind.  I was still planning on making the potatoes and veggies....but then I thought about how easy it would be to simply eat the other half of that sub since he was making his own dinner.  I knew I didn't have the calories in my budget.....well, I would if I used my earned calories from my walk and only be 10 calories in the negative.  Soooo I planned to do that and just be OK with using all of my earned calories.......my new plan was in force....at least until after I had that 1/2 sub for dinner and I started thinking about how I wanted something sweet  last night.

Ohhh yes I did.  I had a 245 calorie dessert.  245 calories that I did NOT have the calories for.  This is definitely the FIRST time I have gone over on my calories  that badly since shortly after Christmas.  I ate a total of 1764 calories for the day. (I'm aiming for 1250 a day not including my earned calories)  Hmmmm  In the grand scheme of things still not bad.  (and honestly, still in the losing range of caloric restriction even with those extra calories utilized) But not where I want to be.

On a good note, I was only about 20 ounces of water into my day when they went to pick up lunch.  When I ordered I was very quick to say "And A diet pepsi please!!!"  That is probably only the second or third time I have drank a diet soda since I restarted.  I won't lie, it tasted heavenly!    BUT...the good note?  I finished up that diet pepsi and then I went back to water and I STILL completed my water consumption goal for the day!

I refuse to beat myself up over it.  I slipped.  I've tightened the belt and I'm marching onward!  Part of the Shazam plan is realizing that these kinds of days WILL occur. (Was it just the snow and the 'off day'?  Was it part of the munchies that go along with the monthly feminine  ick?   I don't know....and it doesn't matter) Realizing and accepting that these days happen takes the pressure off when it happens. The trick is just recognizing it and knowing that it can't happen all the time.   That pressure being gone makes me just rejuvenated and ready to rock it tomorrow!

This morning I woke up and laid in bed.  I really toyed with options.  I had excuses galore why I couldn't run.  Seriously..the roads might have patches of ice...after all we did have precipitation yesterday.  Todd wanted breakfast...and I do try to play the good wife role even when I'm frustrated at things in the marriage. (and he is working tonight and I do try to make at least one meal each day).  Excuses excuses excuses.  I finally settled on the fact that I would make him breakfast (and me too) and THEN go on my run.  Today was a 22 minute straight run.....that is why all the excuses were pouring through my head.  Fear fear fear.  (I am beginning to hate that word...even as I smash it to smithereens!).   

I made a somewhat nutritious breakfast...nicely well rounded.  For me I had an egg and cheese sandwich and hash browns. (Todd had more and cooked differently..but I don't like eggs, I have to disguise them if I want to eat them).  I cleaned up and slowly changed my clothes.  I decided to run down my road this morning...it saves the time driving to the battlefield (which is only a couple miles away...but still).  I started off.  The first half of my run was marked with a malfunction of my running app (the C25K app....my music shut off and I couldn't fix it).  Not a problem...I ran without music.  I used that time to pray.  The app is supposed to notify me at the half way mark (and when I'm on my road doing an out and back run I turn at that mark).  I ran...and ran...and ran ...and finally gave in and looked at my phone.  Dang it...I had missed the half way mark notice...but the good news...I was already 13 minutes into my 22 minutes.  I fiddled with the app and miraculously got the music going again.  Thank heavens.  The music started and something that I had been ignoring for a while started to rear it's ugly head.  You see...that food that I had for breakfast was sloshing around in my gut.  Yes....sloshing and it was not a good feeling.  At about 14 minutes in I was heaving.  It wasn't much...just nasty.  I spit and kept going...without really even breaking my stride.  I won't lie....part of me wanted to quit.  But I KNEW why I was feeling queasy and ill.  It was because I ate food very shortly before going out running.  I finished that 22 minutes and by golly I went an extra 30 seconds of running...just to prove it to myself that I could!   I wasn't letting anything keep me down.       And lets just say....LESSON LEARNED!  Breakfast AFTER run...never before! (although the string cheese before a run seems to work really well)

I will admit...today I am filled with self doubt about my weigh in that will be upcoming on Monday.  Freaked out for some reason.  (I prewrote the first half ...about my eating yesterday, last night...and was feeling good).  However, this morning I'm panicked.  Partly because of my extra 250 calories yesterday and partly because it's looking like I'm not going to get the level of exercise in this week that I have been getting.     Deep breath in....deep breath out.  This is life.......not a race.  Accept whatever happens and move on because regardless of what my mind is yelling....I AM doing what is right, good and healthy for my body! (on a side note...I read one of Jillian Michaels books a few years back and she actually recommended that you have a higher caloric day once a week to keep your metabolism 'guessing' and burning).

That said, my eating today is totally planned out!

Coexistence

I had a blog post all planned out for today.  Really....it was written and ready for final review this morning before hitting the publish button.  It was about negativity.  Not self negativity...but negativity in others as they listen to us talk about our journey.  You know the kind of person..."ohhh that will never work...."  and they continue to spout all kinds of negativity   The kind of person that then couches it in terms of encouragement by following it with 'but good luck' (insert sarcastic tone).  Negativity.....so destructive.  

But then something happened......ironically enough after my post yesterday when I was saying that 'life happens......roll with the punches and learn to LIVE in a healthy manner even as you embrace life.'   I felt on top of the world.  I went up to the lunch room at work and ate my lunch.  It was a satisfying and healthy lunch.  I went back downstairs and about an hour later I realized that I had left something up on the table.  I trotted back upstairs. I say trotted because I don't think I ran....but I didn't dilly dally as I went up the stairs.  As I was coming back downstairs I felt this incredible pain/pressure in my chest.  It surprised me. I had a bout of chest pains back in late 2010 into 2011 where I had chest pains.  It was  months of constant rounds of doctors and tests...they never did figure out what was wrong and occasionally the chest pains still flare up...but it's been a long while since I had one.  And then about an hour after that my throat started to hurt.  Seriously?   I'm getting sick?????   NOOOOOOOO  OK, this doesn't surprise me too much either because Todd has been horribly sick since Saturday.  OK, he's a guy so horribly sick means a different thing when it's a guy.....but seriously, he's been perched on the couch pretty much constantly from Saturday through right now. (although yesterday he was doing much better so I expect him to be back up and moving this morning).  My first thought was OHHH NO....I'm on such a roll with exercise...I don't want to stop now.  I have zumba....and running...and the gym!   (shocked the heck out of me to have those thoughts as my first ones)   But then I straightened my back and said to myself......this is life.   OK OK OK...actually I started quoting the postman's creed...."Neither rain nor snow......."   NOTHING is going to keep me off of my mission.   Does that mean I went to zumba anyway.  No, I went home and rested.  Does it mean I'll go to zumba tonight.  Who knows.....I'll let you know when that time comes.   What does it mean?   It means that I will accept that I was not and may not be able to exercise to the extent that I want this week.     It does mean that I'll tighten up my eating.  I eat pretty close to my caloric goals to begin with...but I do admit that on exercise days I don't panic if I'm over on my calorie count.  So I typically run about 50- 100 or so calories over.  Well if I"m not exercising.......yup......tighten up and bring myself back down to my goal.   It's accepting that this may and will slow down my weight loss. (This is a lifestyle anyway...not a race!)I may only get a maintain number on the scales this week.  But it's being OK with it because LIFE HAPPENS and no strict diet or exercise plan can withstand the daily ins and outs of life on a daily basis for long term.   They need to coexist peacefully and in harmony.

Shazam!

Shazam!

I've gone off of weight watchers.  The program worked for me at one point...but it stopped working for me.  I have my theories...but I'll keep my mouth shut.  Regardless, this time I am going it alone.  I've tried to surround myself with a support system....friends that are on the same page, challenges, blogs...you name it!   Sherry and I are working up our own plan.  It's called the Shazam plan...and it is a plan for LIFE.  It is a plan that realizes that there WILL be days where you just want to eat everything and honestly, you almost can't help yourself!   Think the cracker debacle.  That wasn't as bad as it could have been....I consciously made the choice and I worked my arse off to negate the calories in those crackers, strawberries and fruit dip. And I still lost at my next weigh in..BIG time!   That's what it's about...SHAZAM!    There will be situations that you have little control over.  I didn't ask my friend if I can share, so I hope she's not mad...but she went to a birthday party this past weekend.  She was there 6-7 hours...over a meal time.  They offered an overabundance of food.  Pizza....two different kinds of Doritos and much  more, nothing of which could be at all construed as healthy fare.  Drinks were regular soda and fruit punch.  Control was taken out of her hands.  She made the best choices and in small quantities but she didn't beat herself up over eating food that she may not normally have chosen....she knows that these things will happen and immediately got back on track.  SHAZAM!    This is LIFE!   My manager at work is on this journey.  Yesterday I asked her if she tracked over the weekend. She immediately jumped in and said "ohhh I fell off the bandwagon...I do know where I messed up though.".  It was a birthday celebration that knocked her down...hers (and seriously, if someone surprises you with a birthday cake.....isn't it rude to not have at least a small piece....when it's YOUR birthday???)   I just laughed and said...I didn't ask if you fell off the bandwagon...I asked if you TRACKED through it, or if you gave up.   She looked at me and grinned and said "I tracked every bite...and I wasn't over by that much if I want to be honest with myself"   SHAZAM!   The shazam plan is full of exercise and activity...but it's also saying that sometimes things will happen.  A tire will go bad and you won't be able to make zumba  (yup, the shazam plan encountered that two weeks ago) .....the flu will hit keeping you from exercise.  Whatever.  It's LIFE.  This journey is not about being all hard core.  It's about accepting life's idiosyncrasies and not letting them derail you.  This journey is about figuring out how to live in order to really LIVE. 

Why I am soooo dead set against going about this journey so totally stringent upon my eating rules and my exercise plan is that I know first hand what happens when one leads a life of denial and utter strictness.  If you've been following my blog for any time, you will know that I have lost the weight before.  I lost a total of 135 pounds.    I did a lot of that by denial.  I just said no.  Absolutely not, I will not have dessert.  It worked.  I was hugely successful.  (if you call 135 pounds successful!)   The problem occurred when I was out in the real world after I had reached my goal weight (where my doctor wanted me to be, which weight watchers accepted with a note from him...and that number was 180 pounds).  The problem actually occurred when I went on vacation the first time after reaching my goal.  It was ugly.  I started strong....but then I splurged ONCE.....and once because TWICE...and two times became a daily occurrence.  It was ugly!   (tasty, but ugly!)   I had lived in my exercise bubble of 'everything is perfect....very little desserts....no slacking on exercise' for so long that when I got out in the real world and encountered some issues, I fell apart.  I never recovered.  That started my downward spiral.  (read the blog entry detailing the vacation....it's ugly!  Be forewarned....I didn't realize that it was the beginning of my  downward spiral so I was very flippant about my eating transgressions.)  I cut loose on that vacation because I hadn't lived in the real world......not again. I will be firmly entrenched in the real world while I lose this weight.  I will have my cake and lose weight too!   I will just be eating the cake sparingly.....working my arse off to negate calories if I do splurge....hopping back on track when life causes me to stumble.

Ahhh yes, that brings me to cake..... Sometimes in life we just really really really want to have our cake and eat it too.  In the past I have purchased these warm delight minis to have around the house.  They aren't too bad.  But they are pricey.  But they work to satisfy that craving.  I have my cake fix but don't end up with a 9x13 pan of cake with only one piece out of it.  We all know how long it would last with only one piece out of the pan.  Not long.  So while this convenience food is more expensive than I would like, I have been more than willing to pay.  That is until this week.  I found  recipe.  It's most commonly referred to the 3-2-1 cake.  You'll understand it soon enough.....

 The mix is a box of angel food cake mix and a box of regular cake mix.  You can use any flavor that you want.  For my first attempt I choose devils food cake. (only because it made me laugh mixing angel food with devils food).  Wow, I dont' know what happened to that picture, rather blurry!

 

 

 

       Take the two boxes of cake mix and combine them together well.  I did mine in bowl, but  a gallon ziploc bag would work very well (and then can be used for storage also). 

At this point your cake mix is ready for storage.  I store a lot of things in 1/2 gallon canning jars.  Use whatever airtight container you have around the house.

Now comes the 3-2-1 part.  When you need a quick fix for a cake....place three tablespoons of the mix into a small bowl or coffee cup.     Add two tablespoons of water.  Mix well.  I noticed that  it had a very bubbly and frothy feel to the mixture.  It made me nervous, but I forged ahead.

Microwave for one minute.  Voila!  You have cake!   Top it with fruit, or cool whip or even ice cream (depending on your available calories for the day).  The top looked very bubbly and light, you can tell there is angel food cake mix in this mixture, when I dipped my spoon into the 'cake' it looked just like a normal cake.  I served mine with ice cream and it was a pretty good cake fix!  Ohhhh the cake, turned out to be 126 calories...the fat free vanilla ice cream was 90 calories...not  bad, a dessert for 216 calories!...and the best part...no temptation to eat the leftover pieces this morning for breakfast!  And price wise...I spent $3 for the two cake mixes...and it will give me 32 little cakes.  I used to spend $3 on a box containing two prepackaged cakes and they were 150 calories.  I win all around!

SHAZAM!

curveballs

I was able to navigate the potluck yesterday.  It was difficult.  I wanted to eat eat eat.  I slipped up and ate three crackers with some spreadable cheese before I realized what I was doing.  I immediately went to my computer and logged the addition into myfitnesspal.  I had to make an adjustment to my dinner, but it worked out perfectly.   I've got this! I HAD it so well that later in the evening I looked at my calorie count and realized that I had enough calories to indulge in my super yummy cookies.  I had ONE cookie.  I nibbled that cookie and savored every nibble.  This is what it is all about!  SHAZAM!

Life continues to throw me curveballs.  But I refuse to allow these curveballs to derail me from my weight loss efforts!!!  They are coming at me and I'm ducking out of the way!  I am in control of only one thing in my life...and that is my weight loss efforts.  The curveballs will continue to fly around me I'm sure.  But I'm not going to let them win.  This is about so much more than my weight.  This is about who I am.  Am I a quitter?  Am I someone that doesn't value myself enough to take care of me?   NO, this journey that I"m on is too important.  It is not just about  my phsyical health....it is about my mental health!   SHAZAM! 

Think Thin!