highs and lows

This journey has been one of incredible highs but some pretty low lows.  I've felt totally on top of the word. On top of life  In control and just good.  But then when things go downhill, it goes LOW.    The problem is...when the lows come it is so easy to feel defeated by everything.  It's so easy to let the lows influence how we feel and how we act and sadly enough that perpetuates itself into a vicious cycle of negative outcomes. 

It's a sheer act of willpower to break that cycle once it starts.  It's difficult because I want to sit there and scream my fury over having regained the weight (thank heavens not all of it...not even half of it).  I did it to myself, I know that, but it drives  me to a low.  And in that low I want to self medicate with food.  I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "I don't give a flying fig about this....I just want to live my life without having to consciously think about food."   But I know that doing that will only increase the low.  I HAVE to care...because caring brings about the highs that I so crave.

stranglehold, dread and other non-connected thoughts

Why does food have such a hold on me?   I start thinking about the next meal mere seconds after the latest meal is finished.  It's nuts.  I have off tomorrow afternoon and I've already talked to Todd about what/it/where/when we will go out to eat for lunch or dinner.  That's just sad.  Why does it have such a hold on me.  Food has a stranglehold on me.  It controls everything I do. I need to break that stranglehold.  How do break that hold is the question.  How do you break the patterns and thoughts that have defined who you are for so many years?   we live in a society that actually encourages that thought.  We are rewarded with food.  We are thanked with food.  We are consoled with food.  It's the way our society is.  So how can one break from this stranglehold????

I woke up with an incredible sense of dread this morning.  I have no clue what I'm expecting to happen or what is up.  Some people said "you are probably just dreading going to work because yesterday was so slow and boring"  but it's not that kinda dread.  That kinda dread is a annoying nuisance.  This is just all consuming ready to cry and waiting for the shoe to drop dread.  Not cool.   I'm just sufficiently worried because of this weird feeling.

Food yesterday.....OVER by about 8 points. It was the banana split flurry (blizzard...but not at dairy queen) that did it. I thought last week was bad because I was just kinda snacking all week.....this week may be worse because Todd is able to eat and WANTS to eat....and heck, I'm a social eater! I have my food entered into e-tools for today though. It's a bit high on carbs...but I'm within my points. (Todd wanted waffles for breakfast so I made homemade waffles....I am having a salad for lunch with grilled chicken on it....and dinner is spaghetti) notice the theme of foods for Todd has to be softer...nothing that is crunchy or has to be chewed a lot. LOL

Fear

I managed to make it through this last week with a 1.2 pounds gone.   It was rough.  I tend to graze constantly and just eat eat eat when I'm not on a routine.  So I was OK with the 1.2 pounds. 

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"   -Mary Manin Morrissey
                     and
"He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

How utterly true are both of those quotes!  Something happened in the last 5-10 years and I stopped being the confident woman that everyone always knew.  I started to allow fear to reign supreme in my life.  I have been afraid to try new things.  To do new things.  To BE.    It starts out slow.  Just a tentativeness about anything outside of your comfort zone but then it grows to a paralyzing fear.   Soon it encompasses your life and yes, it does start to block your dreams, your hopes and your ideas.

I allowed fear of the unknown to hinder my weight loss efforts.  I have allowed fear or failing keep me from REALLY trying.   But you know what...the fears that kept me grounded have actually CAUSED me to fail...because by not doing, I failed anyway.

Running  a 5k is a big one.  I'm not honestly sure that my knees and feet will hold out.  I'm hoping that they will.  But I'm going to admit right here and now that the idea of going ....registering......waiting in line and figuring out what I need to do by myself....and running the stupid thing by myself.  FREAKS ME OUT.  SCARES THE LIVING DOO DOO out of me!  (Yes, I've allowed my fears to turn me into a snivelling cowering person!)  I've mentioned this goal and plan to some other people and they seem to have jumped on board.....some more than others.   And that is comforting that I may not be alone while I do this.  But you know what?  If my knees and feet hold out....this is something that I have to do ....I have to face my fear.  I have to do it!  I was scared about my first bike ride two years ago and it turned into a WONDERFUL experience!

What other fears should I smash?    What other fears need to be annihilated in our lives!

Anchors

Weight loss and maintenance is NOT something that is completed and never thought about again.  I am a food addict.  For that reason I know that I will struggle with maintaining for the  rest of my life.  Will it be easy?  Hopefully I  can change my habits and routine enough that my lifestyle fosters a good healthy weight.  Do I want to have to track my food for the rest of my life?  No....but will I have to?   Honestly, I may have to....at least 75% of the time....or even 50% of the time.  I don't know.

What I DO know is that tracking my food.  Keeping a food journal of my 'good eats' is tantamount to my success.  There are so many reasons for me.
     *it keeps me honest.  We all know that if I don't have to write it then it doesn't really count...right???
     *it is a good check to let me know what I'm eating that is good and what is bad
     *It keeps me in line
     *it is my anchor.  I put my food in and it anchors me to this process

Yes, it is my weight loss anchor.  Kinda crazy, but It steadies me.  It keeps me grounded and focused on what I need to be doing.  Without that anchor I tend to drift away.   I may still try to drift (those days when my weight watchers point expenditure is way way way over budget)....but the process of accountability to my food journal anchors me and doesn't let me drift far.

So what other anchors do I have?

For me, it's a mental thing.  I have visions of myself back at my goal weight.  I have visions of myself that happy confident person.  That anchors me to this process.  Because I know that what I'm doing right now to lose the weight, will help bring that person back.  And yes, that person is lost.  Will the weight loss solve all of my woes?   Absolutely not.  I dont' expect the weight loss to do that.....this time.   When I originally lost the weight, I expected life to be peachy, rosy and just grand.  After all, it was my weight that was holding me back in EVERYTHING.  And yes, my weight was holding me back a lot.....but there were bigger issues that I have had to face.  I'm facing them.  I don't know how they will be resolved...but I'm trying to face them because I know that once again being thin will NOT take them away.  Lesson learned.

Sick and Tired

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of Chris' death.  I miss my friend....I still find myself wanting to text him or hang out with him.  But I'm moving on...accepting life as it is, which is what he would have wanted everyone that knew him to do.   Wait, not only accepting life...but embracing life.  Embracing what life throws at me.    It's difficult becuase I dont' want to embrace the crappiness that seems to have been hurled my way recently.  But I'm trying.

I've been fighting off a sinus issue/cold since Friday.  I decided to push myself last night and I went to zumba.  It was incredibly difficult to make it through the hour...but I pushed through and did it.  I'm not sure I can make it tonight.  The cold has taken a turn for the worse and I just feel 100% run down.  The dry hacking cough is there, chest tightness, sore throat....just generally icky.

As much as I want to go, I have to tell myself that I am trying to lose weight and exercise in order for me to be healthier.  Pushing myself when i'm not well is not a healthy maneuver.

Back to work

My long weekend has come and gone.  BOOOOO    On Friday I got my first bike ride of the season in.  It was blustery and cool.  I was comfortable in what I wore, but Todd was a bit on the chilly side (he wore shorts...lol).  We had a nice lunch out and then went home and worked outside in the yard all afternoon.  And that is where it started to go downhill.  It started with a sore throat and progressively got worse.  So that was it for my planned weekend of high activity levels.  In fact, today....Tuesday will be my first day back to exercise..and I'm actually a bit leery about it because I'm still hoarse, still coughing but the chest congestion is not breaking......etc etc etc.  Go figure.   But you know what....my body demanded the rest.  I had no say in the matter.

My weight for the week......I lost 3/10ths of a pound.  I'll take it!!!!  A loss is a loss.  Anything other than a gain is a good thing.  :-)

I know that my rampant stress and the resulting emotions are hindering my weight loss. I know that in the past for me to lose weight I really did have to have my mind in the right place.  I WANT my mind to be there but I know that it's not.  If that makes any sense.  My mind instead jumps from thought to thought from issue to issue .  Some of the thoughts are about things I can't change....missing my friend. Other thoughts are about things that I need to do in my life....things I need to do....things I need to get straight, worries that I have, etc.   And my focus is taken away from the weight loss. 

Sometimes I feel as if I have way too much going on....that one day I'm just going to pop into a million smithereens, unable to handle the pressure anymore.

A day of rest

Yesterday I hit up my first bike ride of the season.  My right knee (arthritis) was KILLING me.  Horrible.  I pushed through it thought.  We went slow, it was windy and Todd hasn't exercised at all in ages.  But all in all it was a good ride. 

Last night though things started to really bother me.  My 'bone'  in  my foot.  Not quite my ankle...below it.  Can't explain it, but it's given me grief for YEARS upon years!   It acts up and I baby it for a while and then it gets better.  So that is giving me grief right now. 

SOOOOOOOOOO....even though I really wanted to go to a zumba class this morning, I'm passing. Taking a day of rest.  :-)  Besides (not that this has ANYTHING to do with exercise) the last few weeks I've been exhausted.  Struggle to wake up .....falling asleep early.   Just tired!  So a day of rest from exercise won't hurt that either.

So my weight.  I'm up 2 pounds.  Can't figure that one out.  I've been really good this week too!   Not gonna let it get me down...gonna plug along.  Watching carefully and do what I KNOW are the right things to do....and I know that eventually my weight will start to drop!

Pride and small victories

Victories, no matter how small and seemingly inconsequential are still victories.  They are still cause to celebrate and to cheer for each victory for each one is hard fought...and each one is one step closer to winning the long term prize.

Last night I went to zumba.  I went to the early session.  And I did the 1 hour of the early session and voila' I stayed for the second session and did a SECOND one hour session.  It really is just mind over matter.  During a normal hour, your mind knows that it's about done and I find that it sorta lets down it's guard.  I finished the first hour and I knew that it wasn't going to be ending so my guard was NOT lowered and I just plugged right through hour two.  Was I sore?   Heck yeah, we are doing lots of squats and lunges......a new song that is ALL squats and lunges on top of the other songs that incorporate them in.  One session of zumba has those muscles just screaming.  But two?  Ohh yeah, I finished but I was feeling it.  Good fun.  :-)

This morning, I woke up a bit stiff, but determined to push through and get my training jog in.  I planned to run my new route which I think will be pretty close to 3 miles.....I started out...jogged my legs were heavy but I pushed through. My knees hurt, but I knew it was because of the changing weather on my arthritis, so I pushed through.  My feet were a bit sore, but I pushed onward.  About a mile in I knew that my body was just not up to par.....I was beat.  My legs were heavier than heavy.  I knew that pushing myself further was not going to make anything better and it was NOT going to help me in the long run.  So I walked the rest of the way...and went straight back to the car....just about 1.5 miles total for the day...more than half jogging.   SO here I am at work a few hours later, wearing a foot brace.  (yeah, the foot is achy!)...but otherwise, feeling OK.  Better to be OK rather than so beat that I can't do anything tomorrow.

Tomorrow, both Todd and I are off and I hope to get out on our bikes and ride!  WOOO HOOOO

So my victory.  I was getting ready to eat lunch. Didn't know what I wanted....so while I decided pulled out the pretzels and nutella (that stuff is crack in chocolate/hazelnut form).  I ate a few and put it back.  Yes I knew that I wanted more, but I held myself to a small amount. (victory number 1).  I decided to pull a Lean Cuisine out of the freezer.  The Spring Rolls, a relatively new item that they sell I think...VERY good.  There are 2 servings in the box...and I pulled them both out. I was hungry!   I opened the one package and put it on the plate ready to microwave and started the second one...and I was like "NO".  If I really want it after I'm done eating I know that I can ALWAYS microwave the second one, because each one is only 5 points.....so 10 points is actually not bad.  But I held off and just fixed ONE serving.  (Victory number 2).    While I was eating my one serving of spring rolls, I got online and put my food into the tracker to calculate my points.  (victory number 3...not waiting until it was too late).  I put in my meal that I have planned for the evening and my breakfast and what I'd already eaten for lunch.  Plenty of points left over.  8 in fact.  YIPPEE  I could have the other serving of spring rolls.  I mean, that's awesome right.....until I realized that I was a bit shy on the fruits and veggies. SO I pulled out the leftover pears from dinner last night and had that.....AND had some corn.  Yeah, I used a fair amount of points on the corn, but hey, I like corn...and it is after all a vegetable!    I chose healthy....versus the easy and tempting spring rolls!  (victory number 4).   The additional fruit and veggies filled me up and I was quite satisfied.

You know what?  The sense of pride in beating this food addiction...even in this little small way is phenomenal!  I want to feel it more often!!!!

zumba

Stepped onto the scales this morning and holy cow!  My weight is almost back to where it was a week and a half ago.  What's up with that??????   I did eat dinner late....and I had popcorn after dinner...so sodium city.  Who knows.  I'm not going to let it derail me.  I'm going to truck on with what I'm doing and not let it get to me.  Eat right, follow the plan and exercise my freakin' butt off (literally.....haa haa haa).

Made it to zumba last night.  It kicked my butt.  My knees were hurting and I just felt sluggish.  I think the knees are because of the rapidly changing weather and the RAIN.  Both of those things are murder on the old arthritic knees.  So what did I do in regards to zumba?  I kept on and didn' let my knee pain stop me.  Was I careful with some of my movements?  Of course!  Did I let it derail me?  NO NO NO!

I'm really seriously contemplating doing a double tonight at zumba. A double meaning back to back classes.....2 straight hours of cardio.  Doesn't that sound fun????

Curb the Carbs

I am still super detemined to make this next 6 months the turning point, the fix it time.  I don't know if I'll be able to enact enough change to pull everything out and to turn things around, but golly gee, I certainly want to try!

I lost 2.5 pounds last week.  I'm struggling thus far this week.  I'm relatively ok with my actual 'budget' (calories/points whatever you want to call my tracking system).  Yesterday I thought I was going to be over with my points, but I was just perfect.  Today, i'll be 4-5 points over.  My problem?   Lots and lots of carbs.  I need to curb the carbs.  I know that it's the 'comfort food' quest.  I've been down...really down and with that comes the desire to eat things that make me feel good...makes me feel better. Food is my friend. What can I say.  I'm trying to combate it though.  Overcome.

I have two pretty large goals and motivational things coming up this year.  The first of course is running a 5K and not being hte last one (in my age bracket) across the finish line.  I've tenatively set the July 4th run (in Williamsport, MD...The Freedom Run) as my projected 5K date.  So I'm working on training for that.  I'm slow as molasses right now, but I have almost three months to better myself. 

The other big one?   Todd and I have a vacation in August.  We plan on doing a through bike trip on the canal.  That is 184 miles in 3 days.  We've done 40-45 miles in one day before...that would be our biggest rides, and when we did those ride, we weren't wiped out and dead the next day either.  So it's just a thing of getting back to that point.  I always said that if I did a through trip that I would want to stay in hotels each night...but for some crazy reason...I've agreed to camp the two nights on the canal.  Ohhh joy!   The tenative plan is to go to Cumberland one day.(heres hoping my parents will drive us up...in our car if they so desire)..stay overnight in cumberland (at a hotel) and then leave early to head down the towpath.  Two nights at hiker bikers....arrive in Georgetown and stay overnight down there...and be picked up down there the next day.  :-) (once again, at the mercy of someone picking us up...although we have talked about back up plans to get there and back) So that is a huge thing...and to do so, I've got to get on my bike and RIDE!

Saturday

Disappointed...my weight was down about 3 pounds but then popped back up two pounds.  I'm still on the good side of where I was last Sunday, so I"m not too upset, but it is just disappointing.  I'm working my butt off and it's going so slow.  The weight just dropped off the last time.  ARRGGHHH

I have already been out jogging this morning.  I only went 1.5 miles (roughly)  becuase number one, even though my time doesn't show it, I jogged it (my jog is VERY SLOW) the whole time.....and secondly because I plan on going to zumba in about an hour.  Yeah, an hour of intense cardio.  WOOO HOOO.  :-)

I know that if I continue to workout like I have this week that the weight WILL come off.  I was looking in the mirror and while I don't know that a week is enough time to SEE a differnce, It seemed as if my body is already changing.  Just my first thought.  Who knows.....and I'm not going to spend too much time pondering it.  haa haa haa

Todd and I have some time off together next weekend.  We were originally talking about doing this and that.....lots of driving lots of sitting and lots of eating (and spending money).  We have instead decided to try to do more active things.  Bike rides on the western part of the canal and maybe on the eastern part also.  I've got to return to a more active lifestyle.  I know that activity is key to losing weight and KEEPING IT OFF!   I can do it!!!!!

Thursday

I have held it together this week, and I am slowly starting to see my weight drop. I've also worked my BUTT off with the physical activity.  Walking, jogging, zumba....you name it!  :-)  My legs are sore sore sore (zumba....new song....squats....ouch)  but it's a good sore. 

I'm gonna do this....this is MY YEAR!

I have a page at the top of here to track my exercise.  My stats for my jogging are somewhat pitiful right now, but you know what...I'm posting them anyway so that in a month I can look back and say "wow, look how far I've come!"

I've decided.  And I have a time frame.  I'm giving myself 6 months to get myself in line.  Gather myself up.  get my life under control.  And at the end of 6 months, I will make some huge decisions that I've been waffling on.  So my goal....get rid of the weight in these six months!!!!!

How am I doing it???? Accountability with a few good friends.  Tracking my food intake.  Exercise, exercise exercise.  Bike riding, walking, jogging, zumba will all be common themes.  I have decided to train for a 5K....and specifically one that will take on July 4th.  I jogged today.  It is painful to actually post my results of the jog (part walk) because it's so sad ...but here it is. 

walk time 32:35, 2.06 miles, average 15:51 /mile, ascent 587 feet.  

The goal now?  To make it 3.1 miles to make the 5k mark and to obviously move my pace faster so it's not just barely a notch above a walk! 

mf

I'm doing ok.  Getting past some things.  Laughing heartily at some other things.  Mourning and missing the friend that I talked to so much.  But I've also done some real soul searching about ME.....about my life....about where I am.  I'm trying to adopt a totally different view on life, a totally different attitude if you will.  Go back to my roots.  Start from what I know....and for me that is in my faith, my religion.  I've been so angry at what has been dealt that I've turned away.....maybe it's time to turn back.  No, not be a fanatical religious person, that has never been me.....but just remember what I believe and my faith.  It has brought me some peace about everything that's been going on within my life. 

No regrets

I'm much more at peace right now about everything.  Few things about it....

I say I'm at peace.  I'm not saying I won't cry ever again about this.  Sometime in the last day or so I gathered myself up and really thought about some things that Chris had said in passing while we talked about various things.  One thing was "I live with no regrets.  I make my choices and decisions based on what I feel is the best.  I may chose wrong, I may  fuck up my life (sorry, these are his words not mine!), but I can hold my head up and have no regrets because I chose based on what my heart and head said to do."    The other thing was so simple but whenever you said something or expressed concern about something that had happened or was happening to him he said "It is what it is."    Sometimes he would expound on that line to add "it can't be changed so there is no use feeling sorry.  Back when he would say stuff I sat there and thought about how harsh that was.....and yes it is.  But in theory, it's the only way to be.  Accept what life dishes out and move on.  Chris tried to adhere to this.....don't think he always succeeded...but he tried.   The other major thing that I'm taking away from my friendship with Chris.....live for yourself, do not try to be someone you are not, do not try to fit into a mold that is not suited to you.  Live for yourself...be your own person.  March that that different beat if that's what you hear in your head...and hold your head high doing it, some people won't understand but that is their loss.  Stifle who you are and you lose in the long run.

The other thing that I can thank Chris for?  He was always full of compliments.   For someone whose self worth has been shaken to the core his kind words were a balm to my soul.  For that I will be eternally grateful. 

All this said, I miss my friend more than words can say.  I keep waiting for my phone to vibrate with a "morning sunshine" message.  Or for him to tell me some quirky story or play me some piece of music that he just knew I needed to hear.  Or for him to just chat about life happenings.  His death leaves a big hole in my life.  

Todd and I were talking yesterday and we started saying "there are somethings that don't add up about Chris' death being called a suicide.  He was making plans for the future.  He was setting up a record label with another mutual friend and was very excited about it. He and I had plans to visit ESP (Eastern State Penitentiary) in Philadelphia with our cameras.  Thursday night he told me about something he wanted to experience before he died...no NEEDED to experience (and there is no way he experienced it in the two day interim).   Yes, he talked constantly about "giving up" and "suicide" and such....but honestly, that was Chris.   So Todd and I started to doubt the original email from this 'close friend' that told us it was suicide.   I did talk to his brother a bit and like Todd and I said, until the toxicology reports come back...they won't know.   But, his brother said that Chris had to do lists and such and every indication was that he planned to wake up.  I have my suspicions and I think it could have been accidental due to a reckless act (taking too much of one medication in conjunction with another...all taken innocently, but recklessly  in an effort to get relief from some various ailments) that he chose to take...knowing what could happen but willing to take his chances because he felt as if he had nothing to lose.  Just my suspicions. 

Am I still depressed....yeah.   This has shaken me to the core.  Will I try to climb out again?  Absolutely.  If for nothing else than that Chris wouldn't want me to sit in a funk.  Will it be easy?  Heck no.  I knew when I started to dig my way out a few weeks ago (or was it a few months...whatever) that it was going to be a long hard road.  I'd allowed words and situations to win and I had stopped being me in the process because I thought that's what people wanted.  Every situation is still there facing me....I now have the grief and loss of my friend to compound that.   But I'm worth it, I'm worth the effort.  Chris told me I was....in the way he treated me.  In how he talked to me.  And in his actions toward me.

So here we go with the trying to find things to be thankful amidst the ruins of my life as I attempt to put the pieces back together.

March 25, 2011 
   Today I am thankful that my life was touched by the man that was Christian 'Chris" Harvey.  While his death has caused me sadness, his life has given me so much more. 

For me today:  I dont' know what I'm going to do FOR ME.  But I'll come up with something. 

Be true to yourself

Kinda quirky...but this was shared with me a while back, I just sat and said how utterly true.....it came to mind yesterday as I grieve the loss of my friend, becuase he tried to do that.  Some may have said he was an outcast because he walked to the beat of his own drum....but he was truely his own person and if you looked past the quirks you couldn't help but like him.

I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone. If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: out earn them, outlive them, and know more than they do. I am ready for what ever's coming. I expect nothing but to be let down or turned away. I am alone. Goddamn. The shit hurts sometimes, but I realize what I am, what I have become. The alien man waved his arms up and down and noticed that he couldn't wave in the right language so he stopped.



There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall, so many laws to keep you from experience. All the cities I have been in make me fully understand the cozy, stifling state in which most people pass through life. I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride. All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die. I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow. I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun - hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks. People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case." I will turn and say to them "It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job, cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive. For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that. For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!" And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.
                      Christian Harvey


Reminder to all of us to live our lives for OURSELVES.....be the person that we want to be...and not whatever someone else wants.  Live live to the fullest and don't become sucked in by the things that the world wants us to focus on (jobs) becuase they are NOT the important things in life.  LIVE FOR YOURSELF!

The mountain to Happiness

A month or so I wrote about how i was so utterly depressed and just overwhelmingly sad.  I wrote on here how I was trying to dig my way out of this pit of despair.  It was slow but I feel as if I was really making progress.  I was standing up for me.  I was taking time to do things for me.  I was starting to feel better.  Yeah, life was still really getting me down, but I was trying to focus on the good things.  Trying to not allow things to get to me...to not dwell on everything that seems to have dumped on me in recent months.

However yesterday all my progree came to a crashing halting stop.  Let me back up.  A good friend of mine....someone that I hang out with a few times a week and text everyday....numerous and constantly has been depressed and down.  I was with him on Thursday and was sufficiently worried about something that was going to occur in his life on Saturday that I sent him a text on Saturday telling him to keep his head up.  He did text me back and say "Don't worry about me, i'm not going to kill myself yet"  I responded back but didn't hear anything else.  I sent more texts on Sunday.....and Monday...and Tuesday.  By Tuesday I knew something was seriously wrong.  On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call with the horrible news.  He committed suicide this past weekend.

I lost a good friend.  Honestly, although he knew nothing of my problems and woes (or very little....by my choice, I didn't want him to have to worry about me in the midst of everything going on with his life) he was my anchor as I worked to rebuild the fragile pieces of my emotions.   He filled the void as my husband and I work opposite schedules....so I always had someone to talk to those long nights at home alone....or someone to go out with when Todd wasn't available.  I'm crushed and devastated at the loss of my friend.

I can't wrap my head around it. And I can't stop crying.  I think about the good times with him.....and feel better for a few minutes....and then I think about my issues and I just can't deal with them....so I cry.    I am NOT suicidal....because I would never do something to knowingly cause pain to my friends and family....but I can see and totally understand where he was at.  You sometimes feel like the mountain to happiness is tooo high.

Bucket List

1.   Run a 5K (and not be the last one coming across the finish line)
2.   Ride another quarter century on my bike (at an event)
3.   Ride a half century on my bike (at an event)
4.   Ride a full century on my bike (at an event)
5.   Complete a triathlon
6.   return to my goal weight
7.   publish my writing
8.   vacation in germany
9.   have a baby
10. write a novel
11. Photography- expand my knowledge to fully understand and be able to shoot productively in all situations.
12.  Find an illustrator for the "cats on the Canal" childrens book
13.  Publish my "cats on the canal" childrens book
14.  Photography - enter contests
15.  Photography -WIN a contest
16.  Piano- return my skills to the point that I can pick up almost any book and play from sight
17.  Return to Florida...specifically Brooksville and Tampa....for a visit down memory lane
18. 

This will be a work in progress as I expand and change the list as time goes by!

Thursday

This morning I got outside...started to walk and just wanted to move faster....so I started to jog.  I jogged one song and walked one.  And I thought.  I thought about the fact that running a 5k is always something that I've had in the the back of my mind to do.......and that brought some other things up that I want to do.  And right then and there I decided to write my list of  'to do' things down and take pride as I work toward them.    I'm a total list maker.  Part of the attraction is to have a list that I can visualize and remember what my goals are.  The other thing....the sense of accomplishment at the completion of an item is HUGE!

So I'm back on track...and feel STRONG today.  I can do this!

Put it behind me!

Can I put this weekend behind me?  I want to.  I want to move on and forget about everything that has happened. HOWEVER, i'm living with it and my stress levels that I thought were sky high before have just hit an all time new high.

I got off work on Friday afternoon at 2.  Headed home for a quick stop before heading out to attend to my errands.  Interrupted a burgulary in progress.  Yes!   I must have interrupted them at the very beginning because they got very little.  Soooo...Friday afternoon was spent talking to the cops, rounding up my cats (they left my inside cats out) and changing locks on the house. (we have no clue how they got in...no sign of forced entry)    They didn't get much (because I came home what must have been immediately after they got into the house) and what they did take wouldn't be covered because we have a deductible. But I feel totally violated and defiled!

So eating this weekend?   Not good. I've eaten everything AND the kitchen sink!  Trying to reign it in today!!