A month or so I wrote about how i was so utterly depressed and just overwhelmingly sad. I wrote on here how I was trying to dig my way out of this pit of despair. It was slow but I feel as if I was really making progress. I was standing up for me. I was taking time to do things for me. I was starting to feel better. Yeah, life was still really getting me down, but I was trying to focus on the good things. Trying to not allow things to get to me...to not dwell on everything that seems to have dumped on me in recent months.
However yesterday all my progree came to a crashing halting stop. Let me back up. A good friend of mine....someone that I hang out with a few times a week and text everyday....numerous and constantly has been depressed and down. I was with him on Thursday and was sufficiently worried about something that was going to occur in his life on Saturday that I sent him a text on Saturday telling him to keep his head up. He did text me back and say "Don't worry about me, i'm not going to kill myself yet" I responded back but didn't hear anything else. I sent more texts on Sunday.....and Monday...and Tuesday. By Tuesday I knew something was seriously wrong. On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call with the horrible news. He committed suicide this past weekend.
I lost a good friend. Honestly, although he knew nothing of my problems and woes (or very little....by my choice, I didn't want him to have to worry about me in the midst of everything going on with his life) he was my anchor as I worked to rebuild the fragile pieces of my emotions. He filled the void as my husband and I work opposite schedules....so I always had someone to talk to those long nights at home alone....or someone to go out with when Todd wasn't available. I'm crushed and devastated at the loss of my friend.
I can't wrap my head around it. And I can't stop crying. I think about the good times with him.....and feel better for a few minutes....and then I think about my issues and I just can't deal with them....so I cry. I am NOT suicidal....because I would never do something to knowingly cause pain to my friends and family....but I can see and totally understand where he was at. You sometimes feel like the mountain to happiness is tooo high.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Bucket List
1. Run a 5K (and not be the last one coming across the finish line)
2. Ride another quarter century on my bike (at an event)
3. Ride a half century on my bike (at an event)
4. Ride a full century on my bike (at an event)
5. Complete a triathlon
6. return to my goal weight
7. publish my writing
8. vacation in germany
9. have a baby
10. write a novel
11. Photography- expand my knowledge to fully understand and be able to shoot productively in all situations.
12. Find an illustrator for the "cats on the Canal" childrens book
13. Publish my "cats on the canal" childrens book
14. Photography - enter contests
15. Photography -WIN a contest
16. Piano- return my skills to the point that I can pick up almost any book and play from sight
17. Return to Florida...specifically Brooksville and Tampa....for a visit down memory lane
18.
This will be a work in progress as I expand and change the list as time goes by!
2. Ride another quarter century on my bike (at an event)
3. Ride a half century on my bike (at an event)
4. Ride a full century on my bike (at an event)
5. Complete a triathlon
6. return to my goal weight
7. publish my writing
8. vacation in germany
9. have a baby
10. write a novel
11. Photography- expand my knowledge to fully understand and be able to shoot productively in all situations.
12. Find an illustrator for the "cats on the Canal" childrens book
13. Publish my "cats on the canal" childrens book
14. Photography - enter contests
15. Photography -WIN a contest
16. Piano- return my skills to the point that I can pick up almost any book and play from sight
17. Return to Florida...specifically Brooksville and Tampa....for a visit down memory lane
18.
This will be a work in progress as I expand and change the list as time goes by!
Thursday
This morning I got outside...started to walk and just wanted to move faster....so I started to jog. I jogged one song and walked one. And I thought. I thought about the fact that running a 5k is always something that I've had in the the back of my mind to do.......and that brought some other things up that I want to do. And right then and there I decided to write my list of 'to do' things down and take pride as I work toward them. I'm a total list maker. Part of the attraction is to have a list that I can visualize and remember what my goals are. The other thing....the sense of accomplishment at the completion of an item is HUGE!
So I'm back on track...and feel STRONG today. I can do this!
So I'm back on track...and feel STRONG today. I can do this!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Put it behind me!
Can I put this weekend behind me? I want to. I want to move on and forget about everything that has happened. HOWEVER, i'm living with it and my stress levels that I thought were sky high before have just hit an all time new high.
I got off work on Friday afternoon at 2. Headed home for a quick stop before heading out to attend to my errands. Interrupted a burgulary in progress. Yes! I must have interrupted them at the very beginning because they got very little. Soooo...Friday afternoon was spent talking to the cops, rounding up my cats (they left my inside cats out) and changing locks on the house. (we have no clue how they got in...no sign of forced entry) They didn't get much (because I came home what must have been immediately after they got into the house) and what they did take wouldn't be covered because we have a deductible. But I feel totally violated and defiled!
So eating this weekend? Not good. I've eaten everything AND the kitchen sink! Trying to reign it in today!!
I got off work on Friday afternoon at 2. Headed home for a quick stop before heading out to attend to my errands. Interrupted a burgulary in progress. Yes! I must have interrupted them at the very beginning because they got very little. Soooo...Friday afternoon was spent talking to the cops, rounding up my cats (they left my inside cats out) and changing locks on the house. (we have no clue how they got in...no sign of forced entry) They didn't get much (because I came home what must have been immediately after they got into the house) and what they did take wouldn't be covered because we have a deductible. But I feel totally violated and defiled!
So eating this weekend? Not good. I've eaten everything AND the kitchen sink! Trying to reign it in today!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Plotting and planning
I'm seriously considering going back to weight watchers. The accountability is so vital for me. Last spring it didn't work. Last spring I don't think I was ready to say that I've hit bottom...AGAIN. I'm there. I need to make changes in my life. The money is the biggest factor. I don't want to spend it (and money is tight so $40 a month is a stretch....however, I'm already paying $13 for the etools....so it's actually only $27....ok, put that way.....) I've also realized that competition is not working for me. I've started competitions with people and I've bombed each and every one. Yes, I hate to lose....so when I mess up and start to lose, I give up. I'm not going to set up any dates of when I want to reach the goals. Oh wait, I'll say "ohhh I think and hope to be such and such by such and such' But I can't set any "I'll be 10 pounds down by the time we go on vacation" Once again, it's easier to give up and stop. It's this intense fear of failure.....so when I start to slip and slide backwards towards failure, I just give up so that I don't have to look at myself and say 'you failed, Maryfran....you failed again'.
I've eaten rather well this past week. My choices haven't been all that bad. I've eaten lots of fruits and veggies. BUT my weight is still up a bit from where it was on Monday. I know why though....because my portion control has been out of whack. So that's the next thing to tackle.
I've eaten rather well this past week. My choices haven't been all that bad. I've eaten lots of fruits and veggies. BUT my weight is still up a bit from where it was on Monday. I know why though....because my portion control has been out of whack. So that's the next thing to tackle.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
I have value
Monday is done. I stayed within my points....made it to zumba.....all was well. This morning Todd requested waffles...so i made them. The points are calculated and my lunch is very nutritious and healthy, so I still have a decent amount of points for the evening and for my dinner. So I should be OK.
HOWEVER, today is fastnacht day! SOOOO of course in at least this area, that means DOUGHNUTS! My manager brought a bag of fresh donuts in for us. Just walking by the counter where the donuts sit the smell just wafts lazily through the air, tempting my taste buds, making me salivate! AHHHHH Not gonna do it!
I've thought about setting goals for myself. But you know what. I focus on the goals and lose track of what I'm doing.....which is taking care of me. Yes for the last few years I've joined weight loss challenges. I've set goals for myself. I'd done everything I can think of to challenge and motivate myself. But each time I do horrible. And that's because I'm not doing it for the right reasons. The right reasons? Because I'm worth the effort. Plain and simple, I'm worth it. Yes, I'm worth the effort to make me better. I'm worthy of being a thin person again. No matter what anyone has said or done to make me feel it, I do deserve to feel good about myself!!!! I have value, even if I've not seen it for a long time.
HOWEVER, today is fastnacht day! SOOOO of course in at least this area, that means DOUGHNUTS! My manager brought a bag of fresh donuts in for us. Just walking by the counter where the donuts sit the smell just wafts lazily through the air, tempting my taste buds, making me salivate! AHHHHH Not gonna do it!
I've thought about setting goals for myself. But you know what. I focus on the goals and lose track of what I'm doing.....which is taking care of me. Yes for the last few years I've joined weight loss challenges. I've set goals for myself. I'd done everything I can think of to challenge and motivate myself. But each time I do horrible. And that's because I'm not doing it for the right reasons. The right reasons? Because I'm worth the effort. Plain and simple, I'm worth it. Yes, I'm worth the effort to make me better. I'm worthy of being a thin person again. No matter what anyone has said or done to make me feel it, I do deserve to feel good about myself!!!! I have value, even if I've not seen it for a long time.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Ephiphany!
Just had an epiphany! I realized and remembered (it just came to me out of the blue) that when I first lost the weight that I really didn't have much success until AFTER I basically sat back and said "you know what? I like myself the way I am" I wanted to lose weight still, but my losing weight wasn't contingent upon my self worth. And you know what? I lost weight.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost my focus anddrive. I switched away from the original motivator that started this....and that was to lose weight for MYSELF and instead started to use other motivators. I made comments to myself that "when I finish losing this weight, this problem will go away or be miraculously fixed...becuase the weight is causing it" Life would be grand. However, life wasn't grand.....the problems and difficulties didn't go away. They were still right there...and since those problems had become the motivator, I gave up....and gained some of the weight back.
So here I sit.....pounds heavier again. I swore I would NEVER again weigh over 200 pounds...yet here I sit. I am filled with self hatred and self disgust over where I'm at. I struggle with accepting myself at this weight. I remember how good 180 felt! And I have refused to accept me for exactly what I am......ME. Is it going to be easy to aceppt this current weighted me? NO!!!!!! Do I feel at all lovable? Worthy? No!!!!! Not all all. Circumstances have beat some of that out of me. But I'm going to have to work on saying to myself "Maryfran, no matter what you weigh......you are an ok person....and I accepted you at 180 pounds, I accept you now at 200 plus pounds. I accepted you at 250 pounds....and 275 pounds. And you know what....I accepted myself at 315 pounds, my highest ever. No matter what I weigh, I'm the same person inside and losing the weight only makes that same person stronger!"
Now, I"m not saying that I accept this weight....meaning I'm going to throw out my 'thin' clothes (the ones I hope to wear again) and go out and actually finish buying a wardrobe for my current size (I've bought the bare minimum...lol). No, I still want to lose. But I refuse to downtalk and beat myself up anymore. I'm who I am. I have an addiction......I did it to myself. But you know what....that's what makes MaryFran intrinsically me!!!!!
Somewhere along the way though, I lost my focus anddrive. I switched away from the original motivator that started this....and that was to lose weight for MYSELF and instead started to use other motivators. I made comments to myself that "when I finish losing this weight, this problem will go away or be miraculously fixed...becuase the weight is causing it" Life would be grand. However, life wasn't grand.....the problems and difficulties didn't go away. They were still right there...and since those problems had become the motivator, I gave up....and gained some of the weight back.
So here I sit.....pounds heavier again. I swore I would NEVER again weigh over 200 pounds...yet here I sit. I am filled with self hatred and self disgust over where I'm at. I struggle with accepting myself at this weight. I remember how good 180 felt! And I have refused to accept me for exactly what I am......ME. Is it going to be easy to aceppt this current weighted me? NO!!!!!! Do I feel at all lovable? Worthy? No!!!!! Not all all. Circumstances have beat some of that out of me. But I'm going to have to work on saying to myself "Maryfran, no matter what you weigh......you are an ok person....and I accepted you at 180 pounds, I accept you now at 200 plus pounds. I accepted you at 250 pounds....and 275 pounds. And you know what....I accepted myself at 315 pounds, my highest ever. No matter what I weigh, I'm the same person inside and losing the weight only makes that same person stronger!"
Now, I"m not saying that I accept this weight....meaning I'm going to throw out my 'thin' clothes (the ones I hope to wear again) and go out and actually finish buying a wardrobe for my current size (I've bought the bare minimum...lol). No, I still want to lose. But I refuse to downtalk and beat myself up anymore. I'm who I am. I have an addiction......I did it to myself. But you know what....that's what makes MaryFran intrinsically me!!!!!
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Well.......yesterday was rough. I usually don't get knocked flat by a little work at the dentist....but yesterday knocked me as flat as they come. I was just so sluggish and out of it the rest of the day. My mouth was numbed at about 1PM...and at 10 I was STILL numb. And joy of all joys....my jaw and mouth is STILL sore today.
The only good thing....is for my eating. I am going out with some friends tonight after work. I was FULLY planning on knocking a few back. (not to the point of drunkeness of course) but having a few. Well, I'm not supposed to have alcohol for 72 hours or something like that. Well shucks! So that is a good thing for my eating though.....empty calories and all that.
Life is a choice. We chose what we do. We chose how we react to things. And those choices bring us to where we are. We can't go back and change the choices we made. However, the choices I make TODAY will affect my future. SOOOO that is my challenge....to really change how I react and what choices I make TODAY...knowing that my future depends on it!
I can eat healthy! I can do this!!!!!
The only good thing....is for my eating. I am going out with some friends tonight after work. I was FULLY planning on knocking a few back. (not to the point of drunkeness of course) but having a few. Well, I'm not supposed to have alcohol for 72 hours or something like that. Well shucks! So that is a good thing for my eating though.....empty calories and all that.
Life is a choice. We chose what we do. We chose how we react to things. And those choices bring us to where we are. We can't go back and change the choices we made. However, the choices I make TODAY will affect my future. SOOOO that is my challenge....to really change how I react and what choices I make TODAY...knowing that my future depends on it!
I can eat healthy! I can do this!!!!!
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Tuesday
Didn't do too badly yesterday. I ate a little 'heavy' for dinner, but I was withing my food budget for the day, so I'm happy with myself. I've already put in todays foods into the tracker so that's a start also. Gotta focus on making GOOD choices!!!!
I have a feeling my work day is going to DRAG by......
I have a feeling my work day is going to DRAG by......
Monday, February 28, 2011
Gonna do it!
I've been working to dig myself out of the pits of depression. It's not easy. But I'm working on it! It's baby steps. Doing small little things for me. Small things that make me feel alive. Trying to fill up the emptiness that I feel inside me. I think it's working.......at least I hope it is.
Sooooo, now that I'm feeling marginally better, I am goign to tackle this weight issue. I packed my lunch for work. Felt good to actually pack a HEALTHY lunch. Strawberries, corn, grapes and a few fat free pringles. I have put my food into the weight watchers online tracker already and I'm ready to rock this. I know it will take time. I know it will take perserverence. But I'm going to do it! :-)
Weight loss is the only thing that I've got complete control over...and I want to take that control back! I'm tired of feeling horrible!!!!
Sooooo, now that I'm feeling marginally better, I am goign to tackle this weight issue. I packed my lunch for work. Felt good to actually pack a HEALTHY lunch. Strawberries, corn, grapes and a few fat free pringles. I have put my food into the weight watchers online tracker already and I'm ready to rock this. I know it will take time. I know it will take perserverence. But I'm going to do it! :-)
Weight loss is the only thing that I've got complete control over...and I want to take that control back! I'm tired of feeling horrible!!!!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Something for me!
It wasn't a long 'me' time. BUt I did get out with my camera a bit today. Still struggling with my eating. But I'm determined to get in shape!!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Hump Day
Today, February 23, 2011 I am thankful for some clarity that has come into my life. Clarity to realize that I've lost myself and while my steps may be small to 'reclaim' me, I'm thankful that I have at least some idea and plan in place to rediscover who I am.
Eating wise, I'm a disaster. This has to change!!! I can't continue on. I look at pictures of myself at a thinner weight and I just cringe because I looked so good and now I feel so frumpy! I need to fix this! Where is my motivation!
I will be attending Zumba tonight! :-)
Eating wise, I'm a disaster. This has to change!!! I can't continue on. I look at pictures of myself at a thinner weight and I just cringe because I looked so good and now I feel so frumpy! I need to fix this! Where is my motivation!
I will be attending Zumba tonight! :-)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Plan
Saturday February 19, 2011
Today I'm thankful for a long weekend that's coming up! Yes, Monday is Presidents day and I don't have to go to work!
So what is my plan for rebuilding my life, for making me whole again? It's not much of a plan. But I do know that it's going to include me eating right and exercising. :-) But other than that I'm reviewing my hobbies and likes and I"m going to focus on things that I like.
1. Photography. I've long said that I enjoy it and want to take it to another level. I've struggled of late because I've discovered that being depressed does not lend one to find the beauty in life....and thus I don't see much that I want to take pictures of. I'm going to try to work on that. Hopefully as spring and summer approaches that will get just a tad bit easier.
2. Piano. I've played since I was five years old. My mom has often over the years remarked (when I lived with them (that she could tell my stress levels, because I played more when I was stressed....it was my cathartic act). My piano is at the studio so not at my fingertips. But I do have a keyboard here at the house. And I recently pulled it out and it's all set up ready for me to play.
3. Crafts. Cross stitch, hooked rugs, quilts, crochet, you name it...I used to do it and I don't anymore. I need to pick things back up and dabble some more. I used to always say I wanted to be a renassaince woman and know how to do a little of everything. Well, I need to step back into that pathway.
4. Writing. I love to write. I enjoy seeing my words come alive and piece together a complex (or not) story. I have no outlet for my writing, but once I get myself back in the habit of writing, maybe I can look for a creative outlet for my writing.
That still leaves me short with the friend thing.....but well hopefully that will come in time.
Today I'm thankful for a long weekend that's coming up! Yes, Monday is Presidents day and I don't have to go to work!
So what is my plan for rebuilding my life, for making me whole again? It's not much of a plan. But I do know that it's going to include me eating right and exercising. :-) But other than that I'm reviewing my hobbies and likes and I"m going to focus on things that I like.
1. Photography. I've long said that I enjoy it and want to take it to another level. I've struggled of late because I've discovered that being depressed does not lend one to find the beauty in life....and thus I don't see much that I want to take pictures of. I'm going to try to work on that. Hopefully as spring and summer approaches that will get just a tad bit easier.
2. Piano. I've played since I was five years old. My mom has often over the years remarked (when I lived with them (that she could tell my stress levels, because I played more when I was stressed....it was my cathartic act). My piano is at the studio so not at my fingertips. But I do have a keyboard here at the house. And I recently pulled it out and it's all set up ready for me to play.
3. Crafts. Cross stitch, hooked rugs, quilts, crochet, you name it...I used to do it and I don't anymore. I need to pick things back up and dabble some more. I used to always say I wanted to be a renassaince woman and know how to do a little of everything. Well, I need to step back into that pathway.
4. Writing. I love to write. I enjoy seeing my words come alive and piece together a complex (or not) story. I have no outlet for my writing, but once I get myself back in the habit of writing, maybe I can look for a creative outlet for my writing.
That still leaves me short with the friend thing.....but well hopefully that will come in time.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Finding myself
Somewhere along the way I've lost me. I've lost the essence of who MaryFran really is. I've pushed myself back into a deep dark hole. I think part of it has come from a desperation to make things right in my world. "If I just do this for so and so, the world will continue to spin on it's axis. " or thinking that the more I did for those around me, the happier my relationships would be. I ran myself into the ground trying to please. I become so immersed into the issues and problems in my life and worrying about solutions and the causes that I slowly pushed myself out of my life. So now I stand here with my arms out and I look deeply at myself and all I can say is "where did I go?" I'm gone. The girl named Maryfran has disappeared into thin air. I'm left as a shell of a woman.....empty inside.
The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss. I know it with all my heart. I can try and try and try as hard as I can. But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me. I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me. I need to find ME...the CURRENT me. Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight). Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want? Heck no! Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise? Absolutely not. It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few pounds......it's as important as fixing ME. Finding ME again. Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.
I started a while back my quest to find something good each day. I'm going to reinstitute that plan. I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative! It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression. But I'm gonna perservere! So....
Friday February 18, 2011
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm. Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!
The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss. I know it with all my heart. I can try and try and try as hard as I can. But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me. I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me. I need to find ME...the CURRENT me. Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight). Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want? Heck no! Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise? Absolutely not. It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few pounds......it's as important as fixing ME. Finding ME again. Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.
I started a while back my quest to find something good each day. I'm going to reinstitute that plan. I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative! It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression. But I'm gonna perservere! So....
Friday February 18, 2011
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm. Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Life Sucks
Life has been rough.
First lets talk about eating. I had made a very concious decision to eat right. To change and work on the only aspect of my life that I do have control of. I started....and then as the stress mounted, food started to make me feel ill. I'm eating very minimally.....so that's actually not good. But at this time, eating alone is a chore. Never thought I would say that.
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I've cryed at the drop of a hat. I've cried continally. I want to cry now! Part of the problems are personal in nature, so I won't share them. But lets just say that I have come to the conclusion that some situations in my life have totally decimated my self confidence. Words have damaged who I am. Words have made me doubt the sincerity of so many things....when they pertain to me that is. Above and beyond the self doubt and confidence issues...just life in general has gotten to me.
My song....which I have listened to over and over.......is currently by Cher........it really speaks to me! Check it out!!!
First lets talk about eating. I had made a very concious decision to eat right. To change and work on the only aspect of my life that I do have control of. I started....and then as the stress mounted, food started to make me feel ill. I'm eating very minimally.....so that's actually not good. But at this time, eating alone is a chore. Never thought I would say that.
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I've cryed at the drop of a hat. I've cried continally. I want to cry now! Part of the problems are personal in nature, so I won't share them. But lets just say that I have come to the conclusion that some situations in my life have totally decimated my self confidence. Words have damaged who I am. Words have made me doubt the sincerity of so many things....when they pertain to me that is. Above and beyond the self doubt and confidence issues...just life in general has gotten to me.
My song....which I have listened to over and over.......is currently by Cher........it really speaks to me! Check it out!!!
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Sick and Tired
My weight held pretty much held steady over the last week. I'm eating near no vegetables or fruit. That HAS to change! So I'm going to track every bite again. I keep starting, but keep forgetting. I have to make it a habit once again!!!!
I'm tired of beign this weight. I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of not fitting into clothes. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the fact that for two months I worried about what my added weight did to my health. I'm just sick and tired of it...and the only way to not be sick and tired? LOSE THE WEIGHT!
I'm tired of beign this weight. I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of not fitting into clothes. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the fact that for two months I worried about what my added weight did to my health. I'm just sick and tired of it...and the only way to not be sick and tired? LOSE THE WEIGHT!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
CLEARED
Well, i was cleared by the cardiologist yesterday. The pulmonary tests cleared me for lungs on Monday. I'm super relieved about this. But yet, it still makes me wonder what in the world has caused the chest pains. Go figure...and STILL causing them. The cardiologist was like "exercise if you want...start out slow though". Slow? MF do anything half ass? 3 hours later found me at Zumba......I did tone it down just a tad......haa haaa haa. Was I out of breath and having a hard time to catch my breath? Yes....but the doctor seems to think that the exercise will help with that. I got the impression that he thinks it is the initial diagnosis of pleurisy......and my inactivity is causing my fitness level to decrease rapidly (since all I do is sit on my butt because hey, I don't knwo what's wrong with me!). So I'm going to give it the gung ho go.
My weight was GRAND yesterday.....but UP today. up by more than 3 pounds. What's up with that?????? Couple things maybe.....late dinner, high sodium lunch, first workout in a while.....oh yeah, the ick is just around the corner...blech.
My weight was GRAND yesterday.....but UP today. up by more than 3 pounds. What's up with that?????? Couple things maybe.....late dinner, high sodium lunch, first workout in a while.....oh yeah, the ick is just around the corner...blech.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My weight has dropped some. I would say that I dont' know how....beacuse I have been calculating my points, but I've not been eating the greatest. The biggest thing that I've done? Somehow I've been able to start discern that i'm not hungry. And I've not eaten if I'm not hungy. Dont' even start. Admittedly, STOPPING is more difficult if i'm already eating dinner to stop when I feel full...but I'm trying to listen to those signs also. I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. I've not eaten breakfast some days. Some days i've not eaten lunch. One night I didn't eat dinner....I just wasn't interested. I would be worried, but when i do go to eat, i'm not ravenous....I dont' gnaw off the kitchen cabinets to get to the food. This is a huge thing for me because I'm a food addict. I eat to just eat. So I'm really rather wondering how long it will last. But I'm gonna role with it while it lasts. Play with it and maybe learn how to really hear my body...this is totally new for me, I've never had this happen in all the years that I've been doing this. Soooo maybe this is the next lesson learned in this journey!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
report
Another Doctor's visit down. The doctor came in and was like "what's happening today". I answered, chest pains. She looked at me and said "STILL?" I was like, yeah......for two months....(and I threw in there yeah, this is my third visit for this). She all of a sudden was like "this is not good".....she was then all of a sudden "We need to get you to referrals for a stress test and an echocardiagram'. I asked to be referred to Robinwood heart (that's where my dad currently goes). She then also said that she is going to set me up for a pulminary function test. Checking my lungs...since I am short of breath on occaision.
We talked a bit about my cholesterol. Yes, it's high "A bit high". I asked her if I could work on getting the weight off because I proved it before when I lost the weight that my cholesterol drops with my weight loss. She agreed and wanted to know how I planned on doing it. She was ok with my plans. LOL She also said that she woudln't have wanted to add any meds until we know what's happening with my heart.
We talked a bit about my cholesterol. Yes, it's high "A bit high". I asked her if I could work on getting the weight off because I proved it before when I lost the weight that my cholesterol drops with my weight loss. She agreed and wanted to know how I planned on doing it. She was ok with my plans. LOL She also said that she woudln't have wanted to add any meds until we know what's happening with my heart.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My week....started off not too nice. Actually it started out bad with a piece of gear at the studio breaking down and Todd spending all day Monday working on it. He's still working on it...so that's no fun. But he had clients last night and they knocked off a few hours early (due to snow and ice) so he was home by 10 and we went to the bedroom at 11. (Probably read until midnight). Why I tell you all this?
This morning Todd went out and scraped my car and he walked to the end of the driveway where his car was parked. (we park one car on the apron the first 10 feet off the road...when the weather is bad...easier to get the car out...so he came home last yesterday evening and parked on the apron). So anyway, he scraped and cleaned off my car and then went to do his. He cleaned off the door and opened it to hop in and turn on the car to warm it up and noticed something horribly wrong.....in the vein that there shouldn't be a big empty space where the car stereo that he put in used to be. There SHOULD be subwoofers and all kinds of car stereo parts. His thing of CD's should still be there.......50-100 cd's. Oh yeah., things were not right. SOOOO inside he went and we called the police just to make the report. They came and left and then we both headed off to work. Annoying thing...it happened in his car....we only have liablity on his car so it's not covered for this. It could be worse...the car could have been damaged or something....so it was just annoying. Ohhh the funniest part...his car stereo died a few months back. He's been moaning because it's only 2-3 years old...he put it in back in 2008 I guess it was......so they got a stereo that DIDN"T WORK! ROFL. Ok, the subwoofer and cd's and other stuff.....that's sad. :-( Now my butt won't vibrate when I drive his car! (the sub is/was behind the drivers seat...on the floor...partially under the seat)
So our week hasn't started off the best. Hopefully it starts getting better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at work.....chest is hurting (hello stress...is this all stress related?......)....and I'm just wishin' I were at home. LOL I have my stuff to go to Zumba tonight. But now sure if I'm actually going to go. Chest pains...and they say that the roads are going to deteriorate again tonight (with more precip this evening). So just not sure. Excuses? Probably.
Todd and I HAVE decided to start looking for a new doctor. This is ridiculous. I'm just not happy at all with the doctor and her care. I feel as if she didn't even listen to me in December and in reality brushed me off.....because "your too young to be having chest pains". Yes, she said that to me. And yes...I am too young to be having chest pains....but that doesn't negate the fact that I am having them. Are they stress related? Honestly, I think probably. Do I know that for certain? NO. Did I have a grandfather that died when he was only 9 years older than I currently am? YES (and his father was only 50.......grandfather on the other side also died of heart disease..but he was 60...so it's in my family). But this scare has made us realize that we have to have a GOOD doctor....because we can't wait until we are sick to find a doctor. Meanwhile I go back on Thursday to my quack doctor. I'm going back to get the results of the gall bladder and blood work (i already know about the high cholesterol). But if she doesn't have anything concrete for me, I'm going to head to a heart specialist. Let me rule out the heart. My mom's doctor said do the heart specialist first...and then go to a pulmonary specialist...knock those two major things out of the field.
I didn't forget my vow to find 'happy' things and I did think and find something happy each day. I meant to come online and write them down...but I...well, I forgot and never got around to it...and currently I can't remember what I was going to write.
Today I am thankful for my cat Ethel. The last two months she has not wanted to leave my side. She crawls up on my chest and lays on me. Or curls up as close to my chest as possible. If that is not an option, she is content to lay in my lap. She's with me all the time. Showing me that she loves me.
This morning Todd went out and scraped my car and he walked to the end of the driveway where his car was parked. (we park one car on the apron the first 10 feet off the road...when the weather is bad...easier to get the car out...so he came home last yesterday evening and parked on the apron). So anyway, he scraped and cleaned off my car and then went to do his. He cleaned off the door and opened it to hop in and turn on the car to warm it up and noticed something horribly wrong.....in the vein that there shouldn't be a big empty space where the car stereo that he put in used to be. There SHOULD be subwoofers and all kinds of car stereo parts. His thing of CD's should still be there.......50-100 cd's. Oh yeah., things were not right. SOOOO inside he went and we called the police just to make the report. They came and left and then we both headed off to work. Annoying thing...it happened in his car....we only have liablity on his car so it's not covered for this. It could be worse...the car could have been damaged or something....so it was just annoying. Ohhh the funniest part...his car stereo died a few months back. He's been moaning because it's only 2-3 years old...he put it in back in 2008 I guess it was......so they got a stereo that DIDN"T WORK! ROFL. Ok, the subwoofer and cd's and other stuff.....that's sad. :-( Now my butt won't vibrate when I drive his car! (the sub is/was behind the drivers seat...on the floor...partially under the seat)
So our week hasn't started off the best. Hopefully it starts getting better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at work.....chest is hurting (hello stress...is this all stress related?......)....and I'm just wishin' I were at home. LOL I have my stuff to go to Zumba tonight. But now sure if I'm actually going to go. Chest pains...and they say that the roads are going to deteriorate again tonight (with more precip this evening). So just not sure. Excuses? Probably.
Todd and I HAVE decided to start looking for a new doctor. This is ridiculous. I'm just not happy at all with the doctor and her care. I feel as if she didn't even listen to me in December and in reality brushed me off.....because "your too young to be having chest pains". Yes, she said that to me. And yes...I am too young to be having chest pains....but that doesn't negate the fact that I am having them. Are they stress related? Honestly, I think probably. Do I know that for certain? NO. Did I have a grandfather that died when he was only 9 years older than I currently am? YES (and his father was only 50.......grandfather on the other side also died of heart disease..but he was 60...so it's in my family). But this scare has made us realize that we have to have a GOOD doctor....because we can't wait until we are sick to find a doctor. Meanwhile I go back on Thursday to my quack doctor. I'm going back to get the results of the gall bladder and blood work (i already know about the high cholesterol). But if she doesn't have anything concrete for me, I'm going to head to a heart specialist. Let me rule out the heart. My mom's doctor said do the heart specialist first...and then go to a pulmonary specialist...knock those two major things out of the field.
I didn't forget my vow to find 'happy' things and I did think and find something happy each day. I meant to come online and write them down...but I...well, I forgot and never got around to it...and currently I can't remember what I was going to write.
Today I am thankful for my cat Ethel. The last two months she has not wanted to leave my side. She crawls up on my chest and lays on me. Or curls up as close to my chest as possible. If that is not an option, she is content to lay in my lap. She's with me all the time. Showing me that she loves me.
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