It wasn't a long 'me' time. BUt I did get out with my camera a bit today. Still struggling with my eating. But I'm determined to get in shape!!!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Hump Day
Today, February 23, 2011 I am thankful for some clarity that has come into my life. Clarity to realize that I've lost myself and while my steps may be small to 'reclaim' me, I'm thankful that I have at least some idea and plan in place to rediscover who I am.
Eating wise, I'm a disaster. This has to change!!! I can't continue on. I look at pictures of myself at a thinner weight and I just cringe because I looked so good and now I feel so frumpy! I need to fix this! Where is my motivation!
I will be attending Zumba tonight! :-)
Eating wise, I'm a disaster. This has to change!!! I can't continue on. I look at pictures of myself at a thinner weight and I just cringe because I looked so good and now I feel so frumpy! I need to fix this! Where is my motivation!
I will be attending Zumba tonight! :-)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Plan
Saturday February 19, 2011
Today I'm thankful for a long weekend that's coming up! Yes, Monday is Presidents day and I don't have to go to work!
So what is my plan for rebuilding my life, for making me whole again? It's not much of a plan. But I do know that it's going to include me eating right and exercising. :-) But other than that I'm reviewing my hobbies and likes and I"m going to focus on things that I like.
1. Photography. I've long said that I enjoy it and want to take it to another level. I've struggled of late because I've discovered that being depressed does not lend one to find the beauty in life....and thus I don't see much that I want to take pictures of. I'm going to try to work on that. Hopefully as spring and summer approaches that will get just a tad bit easier.
2. Piano. I've played since I was five years old. My mom has often over the years remarked (when I lived with them (that she could tell my stress levels, because I played more when I was stressed....it was my cathartic act). My piano is at the studio so not at my fingertips. But I do have a keyboard here at the house. And I recently pulled it out and it's all set up ready for me to play.
3. Crafts. Cross stitch, hooked rugs, quilts, crochet, you name it...I used to do it and I don't anymore. I need to pick things back up and dabble some more. I used to always say I wanted to be a renassaince woman and know how to do a little of everything. Well, I need to step back into that pathway.
4. Writing. I love to write. I enjoy seeing my words come alive and piece together a complex (or not) story. I have no outlet for my writing, but once I get myself back in the habit of writing, maybe I can look for a creative outlet for my writing.
That still leaves me short with the friend thing.....but well hopefully that will come in time.
Today I'm thankful for a long weekend that's coming up! Yes, Monday is Presidents day and I don't have to go to work!
So what is my plan for rebuilding my life, for making me whole again? It's not much of a plan. But I do know that it's going to include me eating right and exercising. :-) But other than that I'm reviewing my hobbies and likes and I"m going to focus on things that I like.
1. Photography. I've long said that I enjoy it and want to take it to another level. I've struggled of late because I've discovered that being depressed does not lend one to find the beauty in life....and thus I don't see much that I want to take pictures of. I'm going to try to work on that. Hopefully as spring and summer approaches that will get just a tad bit easier.
2. Piano. I've played since I was five years old. My mom has often over the years remarked (when I lived with them (that she could tell my stress levels, because I played more when I was stressed....it was my cathartic act). My piano is at the studio so not at my fingertips. But I do have a keyboard here at the house. And I recently pulled it out and it's all set up ready for me to play.
3. Crafts. Cross stitch, hooked rugs, quilts, crochet, you name it...I used to do it and I don't anymore. I need to pick things back up and dabble some more. I used to always say I wanted to be a renassaince woman and know how to do a little of everything. Well, I need to step back into that pathway.
4. Writing. I love to write. I enjoy seeing my words come alive and piece together a complex (or not) story. I have no outlet for my writing, but once I get myself back in the habit of writing, maybe I can look for a creative outlet for my writing.
That still leaves me short with the friend thing.....but well hopefully that will come in time.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Finding myself
Somewhere along the way I've lost me. I've lost the essence of who MaryFran really is. I've pushed myself back into a deep dark hole. I think part of it has come from a desperation to make things right in my world. "If I just do this for so and so, the world will continue to spin on it's axis. " or thinking that the more I did for those around me, the happier my relationships would be. I ran myself into the ground trying to please. I become so immersed into the issues and problems in my life and worrying about solutions and the causes that I slowly pushed myself out of my life. So now I stand here with my arms out and I look deeply at myself and all I can say is "where did I go?" I'm gone. The girl named Maryfran has disappeared into thin air. I'm left as a shell of a woman.....empty inside.
The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss. I know it with all my heart. I can try and try and try as hard as I can. But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me. I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me. I need to find ME...the CURRENT me. Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight). Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want? Heck no! Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise? Absolutely not. It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few pounds......it's as important as fixing ME. Finding ME again. Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.
I started a while back my quest to find something good each day. I'm going to reinstitute that plan. I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative! It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression. But I'm gonna perservere! So....
Friday February 18, 2011
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm. Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!
The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss. I know it with all my heart. I can try and try and try as hard as I can. But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me. I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me. I need to find ME...the CURRENT me. Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight). Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want? Heck no! Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise? Absolutely not. It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few pounds......it's as important as fixing ME. Finding ME again. Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.
I started a while back my quest to find something good each day. I'm going to reinstitute that plan. I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative! It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression. But I'm gonna perservere! So....
Friday February 18, 2011
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm. Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Life Sucks
Life has been rough.
First lets talk about eating. I had made a very concious decision to eat right. To change and work on the only aspect of my life that I do have control of. I started....and then as the stress mounted, food started to make me feel ill. I'm eating very minimally.....so that's actually not good. But at this time, eating alone is a chore. Never thought I would say that.
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I've cryed at the drop of a hat. I've cried continally. I want to cry now! Part of the problems are personal in nature, so I won't share them. But lets just say that I have come to the conclusion that some situations in my life have totally decimated my self confidence. Words have damaged who I am. Words have made me doubt the sincerity of so many things....when they pertain to me that is. Above and beyond the self doubt and confidence issues...just life in general has gotten to me.
My song....which I have listened to over and over.......is currently by Cher........it really speaks to me! Check it out!!!
First lets talk about eating. I had made a very concious decision to eat right. To change and work on the only aspect of my life that I do have control of. I started....and then as the stress mounted, food started to make me feel ill. I'm eating very minimally.....so that's actually not good. But at this time, eating alone is a chore. Never thought I would say that.
The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I've cryed at the drop of a hat. I've cried continally. I want to cry now! Part of the problems are personal in nature, so I won't share them. But lets just say that I have come to the conclusion that some situations in my life have totally decimated my self confidence. Words have damaged who I am. Words have made me doubt the sincerity of so many things....when they pertain to me that is. Above and beyond the self doubt and confidence issues...just life in general has gotten to me.
My song....which I have listened to over and over.......is currently by Cher........it really speaks to me! Check it out!!!
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Sick and Tired
My weight held pretty much held steady over the last week. I'm eating near no vegetables or fruit. That HAS to change! So I'm going to track every bite again. I keep starting, but keep forgetting. I have to make it a habit once again!!!!
I'm tired of beign this weight. I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of not fitting into clothes. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the fact that for two months I worried about what my added weight did to my health. I'm just sick and tired of it...and the only way to not be sick and tired? LOSE THE WEIGHT!
I'm tired of beign this weight. I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of not fitting into clothes. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the fact that for two months I worried about what my added weight did to my health. I'm just sick and tired of it...and the only way to not be sick and tired? LOSE THE WEIGHT!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
CLEARED
Well, i was cleared by the cardiologist yesterday. The pulmonary tests cleared me for lungs on Monday. I'm super relieved about this. But yet, it still makes me wonder what in the world has caused the chest pains. Go figure...and STILL causing them. The cardiologist was like "exercise if you want...start out slow though". Slow? MF do anything half ass? 3 hours later found me at Zumba......I did tone it down just a tad......haa haaa haa. Was I out of breath and having a hard time to catch my breath? Yes....but the doctor seems to think that the exercise will help with that. I got the impression that he thinks it is the initial diagnosis of pleurisy......and my inactivity is causing my fitness level to decrease rapidly (since all I do is sit on my butt because hey, I don't knwo what's wrong with me!). So I'm going to give it the gung ho go.
My weight was GRAND yesterday.....but UP today. up by more than 3 pounds. What's up with that?????? Couple things maybe.....late dinner, high sodium lunch, first workout in a while.....oh yeah, the ick is just around the corner...blech.
My weight was GRAND yesterday.....but UP today. up by more than 3 pounds. What's up with that?????? Couple things maybe.....late dinner, high sodium lunch, first workout in a while.....oh yeah, the ick is just around the corner...blech.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My weight has dropped some. I would say that I dont' know how....beacuse I have been calculating my points, but I've not been eating the greatest. The biggest thing that I've done? Somehow I've been able to start discern that i'm not hungry. And I've not eaten if I'm not hungy. Dont' even start. Admittedly, STOPPING is more difficult if i'm already eating dinner to stop when I feel full...but I'm trying to listen to those signs also. I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. I've not eaten breakfast some days. Some days i've not eaten lunch. One night I didn't eat dinner....I just wasn't interested. I would be worried, but when i do go to eat, i'm not ravenous....I dont' gnaw off the kitchen cabinets to get to the food. This is a huge thing for me because I'm a food addict. I eat to just eat. So I'm really rather wondering how long it will last. But I'm gonna role with it while it lasts. Play with it and maybe learn how to really hear my body...this is totally new for me, I've never had this happen in all the years that I've been doing this. Soooo maybe this is the next lesson learned in this journey!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
report
Another Doctor's visit down. The doctor came in and was like "what's happening today". I answered, chest pains. She looked at me and said "STILL?" I was like, yeah......for two months....(and I threw in there yeah, this is my third visit for this). She all of a sudden was like "this is not good".....she was then all of a sudden "We need to get you to referrals for a stress test and an echocardiagram'. I asked to be referred to Robinwood heart (that's where my dad currently goes). She then also said that she is going to set me up for a pulminary function test. Checking my lungs...since I am short of breath on occaision.
We talked a bit about my cholesterol. Yes, it's high "A bit high". I asked her if I could work on getting the weight off because I proved it before when I lost the weight that my cholesterol drops with my weight loss. She agreed and wanted to know how I planned on doing it. She was ok with my plans. LOL She also said that she woudln't have wanted to add any meds until we know what's happening with my heart.
We talked a bit about my cholesterol. Yes, it's high "A bit high". I asked her if I could work on getting the weight off because I proved it before when I lost the weight that my cholesterol drops with my weight loss. She agreed and wanted to know how I planned on doing it. She was ok with my plans. LOL She also said that she woudln't have wanted to add any meds until we know what's happening with my heart.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My week....started off not too nice. Actually it started out bad with a piece of gear at the studio breaking down and Todd spending all day Monday working on it. He's still working on it...so that's no fun. But he had clients last night and they knocked off a few hours early (due to snow and ice) so he was home by 10 and we went to the bedroom at 11. (Probably read until midnight). Why I tell you all this?
This morning Todd went out and scraped my car and he walked to the end of the driveway where his car was parked. (we park one car on the apron the first 10 feet off the road...when the weather is bad...easier to get the car out...so he came home last yesterday evening and parked on the apron). So anyway, he scraped and cleaned off my car and then went to do his. He cleaned off the door and opened it to hop in and turn on the car to warm it up and noticed something horribly wrong.....in the vein that there shouldn't be a big empty space where the car stereo that he put in used to be. There SHOULD be subwoofers and all kinds of car stereo parts. His thing of CD's should still be there.......50-100 cd's. Oh yeah., things were not right. SOOOO inside he went and we called the police just to make the report. They came and left and then we both headed off to work. Annoying thing...it happened in his car....we only have liablity on his car so it's not covered for this. It could be worse...the car could have been damaged or something....so it was just annoying. Ohhh the funniest part...his car stereo died a few months back. He's been moaning because it's only 2-3 years old...he put it in back in 2008 I guess it was......so they got a stereo that DIDN"T WORK! ROFL. Ok, the subwoofer and cd's and other stuff.....that's sad. :-( Now my butt won't vibrate when I drive his car! (the sub is/was behind the drivers seat...on the floor...partially under the seat)
So our week hasn't started off the best. Hopefully it starts getting better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at work.....chest is hurting (hello stress...is this all stress related?......)....and I'm just wishin' I were at home. LOL I have my stuff to go to Zumba tonight. But now sure if I'm actually going to go. Chest pains...and they say that the roads are going to deteriorate again tonight (with more precip this evening). So just not sure. Excuses? Probably.
Todd and I HAVE decided to start looking for a new doctor. This is ridiculous. I'm just not happy at all with the doctor and her care. I feel as if she didn't even listen to me in December and in reality brushed me off.....because "your too young to be having chest pains". Yes, she said that to me. And yes...I am too young to be having chest pains....but that doesn't negate the fact that I am having them. Are they stress related? Honestly, I think probably. Do I know that for certain? NO. Did I have a grandfather that died when he was only 9 years older than I currently am? YES (and his father was only 50.......grandfather on the other side also died of heart disease..but he was 60...so it's in my family). But this scare has made us realize that we have to have a GOOD doctor....because we can't wait until we are sick to find a doctor. Meanwhile I go back on Thursday to my quack doctor. I'm going back to get the results of the gall bladder and blood work (i already know about the high cholesterol). But if she doesn't have anything concrete for me, I'm going to head to a heart specialist. Let me rule out the heart. My mom's doctor said do the heart specialist first...and then go to a pulmonary specialist...knock those two major things out of the field.
I didn't forget my vow to find 'happy' things and I did think and find something happy each day. I meant to come online and write them down...but I...well, I forgot and never got around to it...and currently I can't remember what I was going to write.
Today I am thankful for my cat Ethel. The last two months she has not wanted to leave my side. She crawls up on my chest and lays on me. Or curls up as close to my chest as possible. If that is not an option, she is content to lay in my lap. She's with me all the time. Showing me that she loves me.
This morning Todd went out and scraped my car and he walked to the end of the driveway where his car was parked. (we park one car on the apron the first 10 feet off the road...when the weather is bad...easier to get the car out...so he came home last yesterday evening and parked on the apron). So anyway, he scraped and cleaned off my car and then went to do his. He cleaned off the door and opened it to hop in and turn on the car to warm it up and noticed something horribly wrong.....in the vein that there shouldn't be a big empty space where the car stereo that he put in used to be. There SHOULD be subwoofers and all kinds of car stereo parts. His thing of CD's should still be there.......50-100 cd's. Oh yeah., things were not right. SOOOO inside he went and we called the police just to make the report. They came and left and then we both headed off to work. Annoying thing...it happened in his car....we only have liablity on his car so it's not covered for this. It could be worse...the car could have been damaged or something....so it was just annoying. Ohhh the funniest part...his car stereo died a few months back. He's been moaning because it's only 2-3 years old...he put it in back in 2008 I guess it was......so they got a stereo that DIDN"T WORK! ROFL. Ok, the subwoofer and cd's and other stuff.....that's sad. :-( Now my butt won't vibrate when I drive his car! (the sub is/was behind the drivers seat...on the floor...partially under the seat)
So our week hasn't started off the best. Hopefully it starts getting better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at work.....chest is hurting (hello stress...is this all stress related?......)....and I'm just wishin' I were at home. LOL I have my stuff to go to Zumba tonight. But now sure if I'm actually going to go. Chest pains...and they say that the roads are going to deteriorate again tonight (with more precip this evening). So just not sure. Excuses? Probably.
Todd and I HAVE decided to start looking for a new doctor. This is ridiculous. I'm just not happy at all with the doctor and her care. I feel as if she didn't even listen to me in December and in reality brushed me off.....because "your too young to be having chest pains". Yes, she said that to me. And yes...I am too young to be having chest pains....but that doesn't negate the fact that I am having them. Are they stress related? Honestly, I think probably. Do I know that for certain? NO. Did I have a grandfather that died when he was only 9 years older than I currently am? YES (and his father was only 50.......grandfather on the other side also died of heart disease..but he was 60...so it's in my family). But this scare has made us realize that we have to have a GOOD doctor....because we can't wait until we are sick to find a doctor. Meanwhile I go back on Thursday to my quack doctor. I'm going back to get the results of the gall bladder and blood work (i already know about the high cholesterol). But if she doesn't have anything concrete for me, I'm going to head to a heart specialist. Let me rule out the heart. My mom's doctor said do the heart specialist first...and then go to a pulmonary specialist...knock those two major things out of the field.
I didn't forget my vow to find 'happy' things and I did think and find something happy each day. I meant to come online and write them down...but I...well, I forgot and never got around to it...and currently I can't remember what I was going to write.
Today I am thankful for my cat Ethel. The last two months she has not wanted to leave my side. She crawls up on my chest and lays on me. Or curls up as close to my chest as possible. If that is not an option, she is content to lay in my lap. She's with me all the time. Showing me that she loves me.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Saturday Morning Bright and Early
Saturday has dawned bright and early for me. I was so looking forward to waking up nice and late. Sleeping in and greeting the morning after the sun was high in the sky was on the agenda. However, 6AM and where was I? Laying in bed, in the dark wide awake. I gave up and picked up my cell phone and checked email and just in general laid there wishing that I could sleep!. By 6:30 the old lady jody was hacking up her breakfast beside the bed on the floor. (Poor kitty cat.....I feel bad for her, but she doesn't seem to be in pain....so we what do you do?) Todd jumped up and cleaned it up but that was all she wrote. He went right to the shower (his alarm would have gone off at 7AM anyway) so I just gave up and started some laundry. So here I sit. Not really hungry. Part of me says that I NEED to have breakfast because if I don't I'll just start snacking at the farmers market (that is not good because I'll be with my mom....mom sells baked goods....yummy cupcakes, delicious cookies, scrumptious breads...shall I continue?) But then the other side says why eat if you are not really hungry. I'll decide closer to the time when I leave. Mom is already at the market, but I really just don't feel like sitting there for a long time today (sorry mom) so I'll go in about 9 or 10. :-) Of course mom and I will go to lunch.
Cholesterol......gotta keep that thought in my head today while I make my food choices. Cholesterol is high...gotta get it down so I can avoid meds! If I need to chant it "cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol" I will. Ok, i'll do it in my head, the waiter at a restaurant today may think i'm nuts otherwise.
I can do this.....I haven't done good yesterday......or the day before. Thursday night I kinda lost control when it came time to grab a snack, I grabbed a 100 cal pack to just have a little something special. I ate that...and then ate two more of them. That is NOT normal. I can usually stop at 1. I'd be too embarrassed to say that I ate three of those suckers. But 3 I did eat. "Cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol"
Chest pains.....please go away!
Ok, my thankful/good thing in life today: Friends. I don't have many friends. Ok, back track that. I don't have many friends locally. (that adds to the depression because I feel like my life is a bit empty). HOWEVER I had someone reach out via email. Someone I didn't know....just really touched my heart (thanks Diane) and Donna...you to, your comment just brought tears to my eyes. Everyone else that commented or have emailed. Thank you. I am very thankful for the people that ARE in my life.
Cholesterol......gotta keep that thought in my head today while I make my food choices. Cholesterol is high...gotta get it down so I can avoid meds! If I need to chant it "cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol" I will. Ok, i'll do it in my head, the waiter at a restaurant today may think i'm nuts otherwise.
I can do this.....I haven't done good yesterday......or the day before. Thursday night I kinda lost control when it came time to grab a snack, I grabbed a 100 cal pack to just have a little something special. I ate that...and then ate two more of them. That is NOT normal. I can usually stop at 1. I'd be too embarrassed to say that I ate three of those suckers. But 3 I did eat. "Cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol"
Chest pains.....please go away!
Ok, my thankful/good thing in life today: Friends. I don't have many friends. Ok, back track that. I don't have many friends locally. (that adds to the depression because I feel like my life is a bit empty). HOWEVER I had someone reach out via email. Someone I didn't know....just really touched my heart (thanks Diane) and Donna...you to, your comment just brought tears to my eyes. Everyone else that commented or have emailed. Thank you. I am very thankful for the people that ARE in my life.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Deppressive state
Struggling a little bit the last day or so. And today will be rough as we are having a delayed christmas celebration at work. We delayed our party and our gift exchange because one of my co-workers was in the hospital and we wanted her with us. So it's today...which means FOOD! I WILL get this together and keep it together. I haven't been doign too bad...but the scales are notshowing my efforts...but they will!
I'm going to admit, right here and right now. I'm battling a depressive state. I'm not sure if I would say that I'm categorically depressed. But I know that it's threatening me. It's crushing me. It's pushing against me. And I'll also admit....that it's winning. Life is just overwhelming me right now. I have some issues going on that just make me want to give up. To throw up my hands in defeat....even though my heart doesn't want to quit. I've got these chest pains...coming up on 2 straight solid months. I laid in bed the other night and just cried because I don't like it. They are NOT debilitating in their pain. They are just aching. A nuisance. But yeah, they hurt.
A friend yesterday in an email started a "I'm thankful' thing. I was saying how life just looks bleak. She wrote back and said "I'm thankful for my little fluffy dog that is sleeping in my arms right now." I sat here and tears came to my eyes. I couldn't find anything that I was thankful for. I thought. I pondered. I REALLY was scrambling to find something. ANYTHING. Finally I came up with probably one of the most lame...but ohh so very true things. I'm thankful for parents that love me unconditionally. She of course wrote back that I shouldn't forget my brother OR my friend in Indiana. (her). But it made me start to think. I need to find something new each day that I'm thankful for. Today I'm thankful that we have no car payments AND no house payments. Our house/property and all three cars are ours free and clear!
But as i started to think about that. I realized that my photography has taken a hit. Life is not pretty. My depressive state makes me see the world as just ho hum. Bland. blah. And thus, I have barely pulled out my camera in the last month or so. I need to remedy that. And this morning, even though I didn't have my camera, I saw beauty. I made myself see it and actually focus on it. The clouds were dark on top.....but underneath the clouds....actually radiating from the bottom of the clouds was a symphony of pink colors...all tucked neatly under the cloud. Just pure beauty.
You see.......fake it till you make it. I will force myself to see the good to see the beauty. And eventually it will be natural again for me. And as beauty and happiness return....maybe my weight problems will become less of a struggle. Yeah, I'll still have some of the other issues...but if I'm not so depressed..........
I'm going to admit, right here and right now. I'm battling a depressive state. I'm not sure if I would say that I'm categorically depressed. But I know that it's threatening me. It's crushing me. It's pushing against me. And I'll also admit....that it's winning. Life is just overwhelming me right now. I have some issues going on that just make me want to give up. To throw up my hands in defeat....even though my heart doesn't want to quit. I've got these chest pains...coming up on 2 straight solid months. I laid in bed the other night and just cried because I don't like it. They are NOT debilitating in their pain. They are just aching. A nuisance. But yeah, they hurt.
A friend yesterday in an email started a "I'm thankful' thing. I was saying how life just looks bleak. She wrote back and said "I'm thankful for my little fluffy dog that is sleeping in my arms right now." I sat here and tears came to my eyes. I couldn't find anything that I was thankful for. I thought. I pondered. I REALLY was scrambling to find something. ANYTHING. Finally I came up with probably one of the most lame...but ohh so very true things. I'm thankful for parents that love me unconditionally. She of course wrote back that I shouldn't forget my brother OR my friend in Indiana. (her). But it made me start to think. I need to find something new each day that I'm thankful for. Today I'm thankful that we have no car payments AND no house payments. Our house/property and all three cars are ours free and clear!
But as i started to think about that. I realized that my photography has taken a hit. Life is not pretty. My depressive state makes me see the world as just ho hum. Bland. blah. And thus, I have barely pulled out my camera in the last month or so. I need to remedy that. And this morning, even though I didn't have my camera, I saw beauty. I made myself see it and actually focus on it. The clouds were dark on top.....but underneath the clouds....actually radiating from the bottom of the clouds was a symphony of pink colors...all tucked neatly under the cloud. Just pure beauty.
You see.......fake it till you make it. I will force myself to see the good to see the beauty. And eventually it will be natural again for me. And as beauty and happiness return....maybe my weight problems will become less of a struggle. Yeah, I'll still have some of the other issues...but if I'm not so depressed..........
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Mid week
I'm plodding along. I've exercised the last few days. I've paid the price (chest pains for a few hours afterward) but I've done it.
Had and ultrasound to check my gall bladder today. Chest pains persist.
I'm more than determined to lose the weight. I had my bloodwork done last week. The results came back and they called to put me on meds to bring my cholesterol down. My cholesterol was 225. HDL was 60 and my LDL was 150. I'm upset that it's high again. BUT, when I was previously this weight...it used to be 250-260 so it isn't as high as it's normally been. I also know that losing the weight will get it back in line. When i was down at my lowest weight my cholesterol was just fine. So I KNOW that I can get it down naturally. I'll talk to the doctor next Thursday and basically say "give me 6 months" to see what I can do....and then we'll go from there. Yeah, the cholesterol is the biggest negative factor toward my heart too......so that's not good at all.
Meanwhile...as of this morning my weight is down about 3 pounds from about a week ago. (I was up on monday..but twas expected with the monthly ick) So i'm happy. I did eat a big breakfast today...and I'll be a few points over tonight. But i think it will be fine. :-)
Had and ultrasound to check my gall bladder today. Chest pains persist.
I'm more than determined to lose the weight. I had my bloodwork done last week. The results came back and they called to put me on meds to bring my cholesterol down. My cholesterol was 225. HDL was 60 and my LDL was 150. I'm upset that it's high again. BUT, when I was previously this weight...it used to be 250-260 so it isn't as high as it's normally been. I also know that losing the weight will get it back in line. When i was down at my lowest weight my cholesterol was just fine. So I KNOW that I can get it down naturally. I'll talk to the doctor next Thursday and basically say "give me 6 months" to see what I can do....and then we'll go from there. Yeah, the cholesterol is the biggest negative factor toward my heart too......so that's not good at all.
Meanwhile...as of this morning my weight is down about 3 pounds from about a week ago. (I was up on monday..but twas expected with the monthly ick) So i'm happy. I did eat a big breakfast today...and I'll be a few points over tonight. But i think it will be fine. :-)
Friday, January 07, 2011
Ok, the weight popped up yesterday. Not gonna let it get to me. It was just a crazy day.
I am proud of myself today. I had a waffle for breakfast......all was good. But when they ordered lunch at work I so WANTED to order with them. THEN they said they were ordering chinese. I wanted it soo bad. Ohhh I wanted it. I could have eaten....but I wasn't hungry at all. I would have eaten too...even though I wasn't hungry. BUT, I declined. EVERYONE here ordered out...except for me that is. I ordered not. I sat here and smelled that delicious smelling food. I'll eat my packed lunch eventually.....fruit and veggies. But you know what...I'm not really hungry yet and I'm not going to eat my packed lunch just because I packed a lunch and just because it's lunchtime. (actually it's already almost 3PM) I'll eat WHEN MY BODY needs it. At this point...maybe not until I get home for dinner. It's all good.....i'm listening to my body today.
Hoping to do some kind of activity tonight....even if it is only a game on the xbox. ANYTHING. Gotta start small. :-)
I am proud of myself today. I had a waffle for breakfast......all was good. But when they ordered lunch at work I so WANTED to order with them. THEN they said they were ordering chinese. I wanted it soo bad. Ohhh I wanted it. I could have eaten....but I wasn't hungry at all. I would have eaten too...even though I wasn't hungry. BUT, I declined. EVERYONE here ordered out...except for me that is. I ordered not. I sat here and smelled that delicious smelling food. I'll eat my packed lunch eventually.....fruit and veggies. But you know what...I'm not really hungry yet and I'm not going to eat my packed lunch just because I packed a lunch and just because it's lunchtime. (actually it's already almost 3PM) I'll eat WHEN MY BODY needs it. At this point...maybe not until I get home for dinner. It's all good.....i'm listening to my body today.
Hoping to do some kind of activity tonight....even if it is only a game on the xbox. ANYTHING. Gotta start small. :-)
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Doctors appointment today. Back to square one.....the original diagnosis she thinks may have been faulty. OK OK OK, she didn't say so in so many words....but hello. So I had ANOTHER EKG done. My blood pressure was sky high.....I'm having an ultrasound to check my gall bladder and I'll be taking prilosec to see if it helps in case it's acid reflux. Ohh yes, I'm also having a whole battery of bloodwork done. JOY JOY. So basically we are ruling out one thing and then another. Go figure. I'm just frustrating. I'm working on week 7 of this stuff.
The good news...she said since my EKG looked good (and the one at the ER supposedly also) she felt confident allowing me to go back to exercise. SHe said start out small. Do you think a zumba session would be small enough? ROFL I can tone that down if need be. LOL
Eating today...not the greatest........grabbed food on the run sinec the doctor was an hour late seeing me...then the additional time of the EKG and then back in to see the doctor again to have her look at the test results. Ohhh yeah, and the EKG machine wasn't working at first ....wouldn't print...so that took 30 minutes. SO I had to grab food on the run. NOT good.
The good news...she said since my EKG looked good (and the one at the ER supposedly also) she felt confident allowing me to go back to exercise. SHe said start out small. Do you think a zumba session would be small enough? ROFL I can tone that down if need be. LOL
Eating today...not the greatest........grabbed food on the run sinec the doctor was an hour late seeing me...then the additional time of the EKG and then back in to see the doctor again to have her look at the test results. Ohhh yeah, and the EKG machine wasn't working at first ....wouldn't print...so that took 30 minutes. SO I had to grab food on the run. NOT good.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Day one Down
I didn't have a fantastic perfect day yesterday with my eating. But, I kept it together. Where I went wrong? I got home from work and started working on dinner...and I nibbled ...cheese was my downfall last night. I was getting food out of the fridge and saw some sliced cheese......and I just couldn't resist. So that was bad. My water consumption was 'better' but still not up to par...and yesterday evening I switched to diet Pepsi and finished off the two liter that I had started on Sunday. So that severely impacted my water intake...because while I was drinking my diet soda...I was NOT drinking the remainder of my water. Ooops.
I go back to the doctor on Thursday for another follow up visit with my doctor about this chest crud. I'm hoping that I'm cleared to recommence exercise. I actually plan on asking this. "I know that exercise will 'hurt' because physical activity irritates. BUT will it actually HARM me. Will it delay my recovery. Will it do permanent damage?" If it is not going to HARM me, than I'm going back to exercise....I can take it easier and slower and start up and deal with the annoying pains. Because I'm to the point that I'm tired of waiting.....it's been 6 weeks. Well that and my zumba starts up again next Tuesday after the Christmas break. tee hee hee
I go back to the doctor on Thursday for another follow up visit with my doctor about this chest crud. I'm hoping that I'm cleared to recommence exercise. I actually plan on asking this. "I know that exercise will 'hurt' because physical activity irritates. BUT will it actually HARM me. Will it delay my recovery. Will it do permanent damage?" If it is not going to HARM me, than I'm going back to exercise....I can take it easier and slower and start up and deal with the annoying pains. Because I'm to the point that I'm tired of waiting.....it's been 6 weeks. Well that and my zumba starts up again next Tuesday after the Christmas break. tee hee hee
Monday, January 03, 2011
A New Year
A new year always gives us the motivation to reflect on where we are at, on where we want to be and what steps we need to take to get there and setting goals to get there.. I didn't do too much reflecting. I didn't do too much goal setting. Ok, that's a lie. I have a couple...but I didn't set up clear cut goals..for the most part.
The first one....I am setting a goal to REALLY work on my photography. Take the best pictures. Edit them in such a way that they dazzle. Just become the best I can be. Push myself out of my comfort zone.
The second one...and it's the biggie. Lose this weight once and for all. I've eaten myself into oblivion the last year or two. Things in my life got rough and while I tried to deal with those things....I stopped taking care of myself. In essence, I stopped caring about myself. The more weight I gained, the worse I felt about myself....and the more I ate. I'm regaining control. It makes me sick to think that it was 5 years ago that I started this blog....and while i had already lost some of my weight back then...I find myself ALMOST back to where I was.. Yes, I need to face the truth. Voice it. I've gained back half of what I lost. Most of it within the last year. I've ducked behind the camera lens (goal one helps on that one) and avoided having to face the truth in pictures. But the real truth is that I have gained a fair amount of weight. At my lowest, I was 180....I'm sitting at 240 right now. Still a far cry from the 315 which is the highest I saw on the scales...but it's still a LOT of weight to regain.
Lets look at the good side. I know HOW to lose weight. I've proven that in the past. Another good fact...I didn't regain all of it!
The negative side.....I feel like a failure....and those feelings feed my desire to shovel food (my drug) into my mouth.
SOOO what am I doing about it? I set up my menu for the next two weeks (I usually do this). But I went one step further. I calculated the points values for each meal. So each night when I glance at the menu to figure out if any prep needs done for the next days meal (or anything pulled out of the big freezers) I can also quickly say "ohhh tomorrow nights dinner will utilize 15 points...that's a little high/low so I need to adjust my lunch accordingly" Versus eat what I want and then just damn the consequences. I'm preparing myself for battle.
I have a challenge with a friend. Basically we are going through from today...until the first week of spring (actually the monday after the first day of spring as we are weighing in on Mondays). It's nothing major...just a friendly competition...winner (biggest percentage lost) is rewarded with a small monetary reward by the loser. Nothing to break the bank ($20) but enough to motivate. :-) Knowing that I work well under compatitions.....I tried to get my husband to compete with me as a second competition to movitate me...but well.....I'll just have to settle for that one competition.
Todd and I will be taking a long weekend in late April....most likely to ride in Girls With Gears (if the motivation carries me into training for it)....but either way we hope to hook up with Donna and Andy our friends. That is just shy of 4 months. My pie in the sky goal is to be back at 200 pounds. But I will be happy with being back into the 'two hundred-teens'. It's possible to reach my pie in the sky goal...or at least come close......WITH discipline.
So moving forward....no looking back.
The first one....I am setting a goal to REALLY work on my photography. Take the best pictures. Edit them in such a way that they dazzle. Just become the best I can be. Push myself out of my comfort zone.
The second one...and it's the biggie. Lose this weight once and for all. I've eaten myself into oblivion the last year or two. Things in my life got rough and while I tried to deal with those things....I stopped taking care of myself. In essence, I stopped caring about myself. The more weight I gained, the worse I felt about myself....and the more I ate. I'm regaining control. It makes me sick to think that it was 5 years ago that I started this blog....and while i had already lost some of my weight back then...I find myself ALMOST back to where I was.. Yes, I need to face the truth. Voice it. I've gained back half of what I lost. Most of it within the last year. I've ducked behind the camera lens (goal one helps on that one) and avoided having to face the truth in pictures. But the real truth is that I have gained a fair amount of weight. At my lowest, I was 180....I'm sitting at 240 right now. Still a far cry from the 315 which is the highest I saw on the scales...but it's still a LOT of weight to regain.
Lets look at the good side. I know HOW to lose weight. I've proven that in the past. Another good fact...I didn't regain all of it!
The negative side.....I feel like a failure....and those feelings feed my desire to shovel food (my drug) into my mouth.
SOOO what am I doing about it? I set up my menu for the next two weeks (I usually do this). But I went one step further. I calculated the points values for each meal. So each night when I glance at the menu to figure out if any prep needs done for the next days meal (or anything pulled out of the big freezers) I can also quickly say "ohhh tomorrow nights dinner will utilize 15 points...that's a little high/low so I need to adjust my lunch accordingly" Versus eat what I want and then just damn the consequences. I'm preparing myself for battle.
I have a challenge with a friend. Basically we are going through from today...until the first week of spring (actually the monday after the first day of spring as we are weighing in on Mondays). It's nothing major...just a friendly competition...winner (biggest percentage lost) is rewarded with a small monetary reward by the loser. Nothing to break the bank ($20) but enough to motivate. :-) Knowing that I work well under compatitions.....I tried to get my husband to compete with me as a second competition to movitate me...but well.....I'll just have to settle for that one competition.
Todd and I will be taking a long weekend in late April....most likely to ride in Girls With Gears (if the motivation carries me into training for it)....but either way we hope to hook up with Donna and Andy our friends. That is just shy of 4 months. My pie in the sky goal is to be back at 200 pounds. But I will be happy with being back into the 'two hundred-teens'. It's possible to reach my pie in the sky goal...or at least come close......WITH discipline.
So moving forward....no looking back.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Trying
I'm trying. I'm putting my food intake into the tracker on E-tools. Trying to get used to this new points plus system. More difficult for me as I'm just changing over without the benefit of the meetings to teach me the finer points of the new system. But I'm workin' it. Luckily it's similar enough that I'm ok with the change.
I'm still on a restricted activity. Yeah, I could get out and exercise...but movement hurts. Deep breathing hurts. And it just doesn't hurt while I do it....it causes the pain to flare up and then I suffer the rest of the day....or at least for a few hours. (depending on how bad it is). I can't change the exercise stuff...but I can change my eating..and get that in line. :-) The exercise will recommence as soon as humanly possible.
I WILL lick this once and for all!
I'm still on a restricted activity. Yeah, I could get out and exercise...but movement hurts. Deep breathing hurts. And it just doesn't hurt while I do it....it causes the pain to flare up and then I suffer the rest of the day....or at least for a few hours. (depending on how bad it is). I can't change the exercise stuff...but I can change my eating..and get that in line. :-) The exercise will recommence as soon as humanly possible.
I WILL lick this once and for all!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Report
Follow up Doctors appointment. First of all let me say that I waited an HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES for this appointment. There is no excuse....and there was NO apology or anything for my wait. I walked into the doors of the ER on Sunday and walked out 2 hours later. The ER was almost quicker than a visit to my family doctor...(and i had more tests done at the ER...). I think it's time to find a new doctor!
Ok, diagnosis. The doctor agrees with the diagnosis of Bronchitis. The problem.....prolonged infections in your respiratory system can cause pleuritis (and inflamation in the lining of the lungs). Uhh yeah....apparently three plus weeks (that's how long I"ve been dealing with this) is enough to cause that. Joy joy. What do you do for pleuritis........nothing. Treat the original infection (done...the ER did that) Anti-inflmatory drugs....so basically ibuprofen for a few weeks. I have a follow up appointment on January 6th. Hopefully I'm healthy and well by then!
I got to thinking about this. When the chest pains started to get worse, I kept telling myself "MaryFran, you are NOT having a heart attack...you are only 38 years old." But I knew that there IS a chance....even if I were younger. I also realized that by regaining the weight I brought back the very thing that I worked so hard to eradicate. And that was extra risk factors to my health. I originally lost the weight for a few reasons...and one of those was because I knew that the added weight was going to kill me. So while I denied how bad these chest pains were to everyone that would listen....inside I was beating myself up and telling myself that "this time you've done it...you've let things get out of control and your body has had enough of it" Luckily that was not the case....but if I don't get it under control I may not be so lucky next time. One of these obesity related diseases WILL strike me. (as it is, I need to get the weight down to bring my cholesterol back down!)
So while I really can't exercise.... (movement is NOT good.....causes the chest pains to increase in intensity tenfold) I CAN start tracking my food and really starting to watch what I eat!
Ok, diagnosis. The doctor agrees with the diagnosis of Bronchitis. The problem.....prolonged infections in your respiratory system can cause pleuritis (and inflamation in the lining of the lungs). Uhh yeah....apparently three plus weeks (that's how long I"ve been dealing with this) is enough to cause that. Joy joy. What do you do for pleuritis........nothing. Treat the original infection (done...the ER did that) Anti-inflmatory drugs....so basically ibuprofen for a few weeks. I have a follow up appointment on January 6th. Hopefully I'm healthy and well by then!
I got to thinking about this. When the chest pains started to get worse, I kept telling myself "MaryFran, you are NOT having a heart attack...you are only 38 years old." But I knew that there IS a chance....even if I were younger. I also realized that by regaining the weight I brought back the very thing that I worked so hard to eradicate. And that was extra risk factors to my health. I originally lost the weight for a few reasons...and one of those was because I knew that the added weight was going to kill me. So while I denied how bad these chest pains were to everyone that would listen....inside I was beating myself up and telling myself that "this time you've done it...you've let things get out of control and your body has had enough of it" Luckily that was not the case....but if I don't get it under control I may not be so lucky next time. One of these obesity related diseases WILL strike me. (as it is, I need to get the weight down to bring my cholesterol back down!)
So while I really can't exercise.... (movement is NOT good.....causes the chest pains to increase in intensity tenfold) I CAN start tracking my food and really starting to watch what I eat!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I go to see my family doctor tomorrow. The chest is still feeling tight. Earlier today it was giving me grief. Rigfht now it's just a minor nuisance pain. If I keep my breathing more shallow and don't move too much I'm good. :-) That's not normal..so yeah, I'm heading to see my doctor tomorrow.
I also have decided that enough is enough. I started tracking....AGAIN. Just today. I know it needs to be done. I'll get used to the new points system in time I"m sure. No, I can't exercise right now...but I can pull my eating back under control. I haven't stepped foot on the scales since I've been back from our little mini vacation. I will do that probably tomorrow morning (plus it will let me know if our scales are calibrated correctly.....matching at least somewhat to the doctors scales). Nervous about that.
I also have decided that enough is enough. I started tracking....AGAIN. Just today. I know it needs to be done. I'll get used to the new points system in time I"m sure. No, I can't exercise right now...but I can pull my eating back under control. I haven't stepped foot on the scales since I've been back from our little mini vacation. I will do that probably tomorrow morning (plus it will let me know if our scales are calibrated correctly.....matching at least somewhat to the doctors scales). Nervous about that.
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