HOw in the world?

 How in the world is it really the end of November?  This last month has flown by!  And seriously, is it really the Christmas season already?  I'm NOT READY!  

I have been busy.  It feels as if I am on the go all the time.  The only time I have to sit is when I'm at work (I work a desk job).  Every night after work we are out running and doing something or the other.  Consequently, I am always feeling as if I am failing at everything,  because I feel so rushed.

Let me just get it out there and over with.  November saw no weight loss on my part!  I am disgusted with myself and KNOW that I have to make changes in my lifestyle.  The good thing,, I'm not gaining.  I am maintaining.  So while I WANT to be thinner, I am counting a maintain as a huge victory.

In my last post I wrote about I had this depression (or whatever you want to call it) culminate in a panic attack.  LUCKILY, that bad one was the only one.  I have managed to walk away, divert my thoughts and attention and have managed to keep the anxiety at a more manageable level. (Meaning I haven't had any more instances when I can't breathe and am sure I'm going to die).  Jason sticks pretty close to me and keeps an eye on me pretty much all the time.

Yes, Jason is able to keep an eye on me pretty much all the time because he is still off of work.   We have passed the first complete month since his accident with the axe. He is now able to walk on the foot.  And we are working to be able to put his foot in a shoe.  The wound was still open and draining at his last visit (which was right before the month mark) but he did get the stitches out.   So per doctors orders, he is still restricted until that wound is totally healed and until he can manage to put his foot in a shoe. (and walk and move it normally). Until then, he will not be cleared for work.  

I somehow managed to complete my porch scene in miniature.  The kit was ordered back before we bought our house and I have managed to carve out some times here and there (can we say 3-4 in the morning when I can't sleep) to work on this scene.  My scene is "Appalachian Wash Day" and I am quite happy with it.  It was created for a dollhouse creating competition.  I was seriously thinking I was going to be working up until the last minute (Submission Deadline is December 9th) but I managed to complete it and I got my pictures taken and my submission was entered just this week.  It was a good project for me as my mind tends to focus on my current projects (and ideas for projects) so that took me away from the anxiety at times.  

Christmas is right around the corner.  This year will be a small Christmas for Jason and I as he is out of work and that means we are a single paycheck family for a bit.   We have decided that we will do a nicer gift giving next year...maybe a small Christmas in July.  BUT, we did put up the stockings and the tree! (and I will make sure that there is something in Jason's stocking on Christmas, especially knowing that I hung the stockings and I saw him feeling the toe of his stocking within an hour to see if there was anything in it!)  Yes, the animals have to share their stocking!  

December is my birth month.  I can't believe that I will be 50 years old this year!  My word!   And that age is just one more reason to finally get my butt in gear and get healthy!  I'm not waiting until the new year.  I'm planning on getting a jump start on the new year and I'm starting now.  (even though my brain is screaming to 'have dessert tonight and start tomorrow....and better yet, enjoy December and start in the new year!).  

Get busy Living or Get busy Dying

Christmas is over......that means celebrations are over...at least for me!!!

A small collage of my day. (Emphasis on food...the relaxing in the living room was too boring to take a picture if)

So Chrismas is over......No more snacks at work (they will be there I'm sure but I will not be indulging).  No more continual desserts being made in my kitchen (cookies, cobbler, fried bananas, ice cream, etc etc etc).  I'm not waiting for the new year....it's happening NOW.

I recently read the book I'd like to apologize to Every Teacher I Ever Had by Tony Danza.   I have to admit, I was somewhat skeptical when I picked up the book.  I had actually looked at the book for ages before anteing up the money to buy it. (and only did so when I received a gift certificate...I'm such a cheapskate!)  I'm glad that I finally did pick up the book.  It was an emotional read for me.  The circumstances were a bit different (he was teaching high school and only one class where as I was teaching elementary school and was inundated with children all day long) but his stories and his experience resonated within me.  I was nodding my head along with his memories and experiences.  But even more importantly, for the first time in a long long time I felt the excitement of education and the feelings that had initially drawn me to that profession.   Was it enough to draw me back to teaching?   No....can't say it is at this time...but I will admit that the thought crossed my mind for a fleeting moment.  But as soon as that did, sanity was reclaimed....memories of teaching and knowledge of how schools are run now were enough to return myself to a state of sanity!!

But reading this book made me look deeply at myself.  It made me look deeply at where I stand (ha....as if I don't do that enough in December with the new year upon me and with my birthday year ending) in life.  The teaching thing has stood  in my life as a huge failure for 13 long years.  My ultimate dream growing up was to have a child......I got married and thought that my husband was on board with the same goal and desire...but after marriage his behavior and tone changed and now at forty-one I have to realize that I failed with that dream.  Fail!  My career (if you can even call it that...I have a job...it's not a career) is a big fat FAIL. (yeah, if you knew how much I got paid you'd agree!)  FAIL!!!!   My marriage......it's been a lot of fails.  I've lost the weight once and regained....fail.  I was losing this year..but stopped and actually started regaining....Fail.  Fail...fail...fail...fail.   It has seemed to be a common occurrence in my life.  FAIL!

However, this book by Tony Danza made me realize that picking myself up out of the ashes is where success is.  No, that was not the premise of the book.  But while I was being awed by the return of those idealistic feelings that I thought were gone....I was seeing the common theme that he was trying to push upon the kids in the book.  What was that common thought?   In my words.....basically that life is crappy sometimes.  Face it...it is....heartbreaking sometimes.   But success is  overcoming the adversarial stuff and succeeding in life.  It's continuing in school even when you are raised in an environment where education is not respected and encouraged.  Success is rising form the ashes of my failures and living a happy well adjusted life.  Success is pushing through the bad and coming out on top..successful and happy.  Winning is taking ourselves and using opportunities, experiences and just life and using it to push us to a better future.  If we sit back and allow life.....we will fail.

As if the book wasn't enough to open my eyes.....I stumbled upon a blog.  It was cowritten by a couple in their mid thirties.  They moved cross country....they bought their first house.....they remodeled that dream house...and literally as they moved into their house the husband was diagnosed with cancer.  The blog continued to chronicle their lives...but it also chornicled the two year fight and eventual death (as in he died within the last two days).  It was a heart wrenching read through this blog (and yes, very voyeuristic) but through it all, even as this gal watched her husband die....even while she's crying out her frustrations, she is holding her head up and carrying on...accepting life and being as upbeat as possible.  Makes my problems look minor...and makes me say "if she can go through that with grace and an upbeat attitude.......I can face my life the same way."

I don't know how to not dwell on these things that I deem failure.  It's incredibly difficult to not be saddened when I see my friends having children.  It's incredibly difficult to hold my head up and smile when my husband and I are going through one of our recurring rough spots.  It's HARD.   But in the words of Westley (the Man in Black)  in the Movie Princess Bride said.  'Life is pain, highness.  Anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something.'    And I just have to TRY.

I need to CHOOSE to be happy!  I need to CHOSE to live my life to the fullest within the confines that has brought me to this exact place.  I'm here for a reason.  I may not like the results of being overweight (ok, i'm still actually obese) but I'm here for a reason.  I may not like being childless...but for whatever reason....that is how I find myself.  I need to find joy in that state (and my niece and nephews certainly help that cause..they are awesome!).   Accept life for what it is!

And as if those previous eye openers weren't enough....(yeah seriously).  Today I was out running. (Yeah, I went running on Christmas morning) I heard the song Try from Pink......tell me these lyrics are not perfect for me!

Where there is desire

There is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns

Doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try try try

Gotta get up and try try try

You gotta get up and try try try

When I accept life and stop wallowing in the negative....I have a feeling that the weight will be much easier to lose....simple because I will feel like I DESERVE to be thin!

Although, in my mind I DO know that I deserve to be thin not matter what!  So right now.....In the words of  Red...played by Morgan Freeman in the movie Shawshenk Redemption.....IIt's time for me to "gett busy living or get busy dying.'     First thing up....the weight will come off and while I'm doing it....I'm choosing to be HAPPY!

Soooo...I actually made a committment to run a trilogy of 5k's...virtually...it's hosted by DVFfitness.com.  The first was on Thanksgiving....I did the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day.  One down...two to do.  Today is Christmas and that meant number two was upon me.  I got out early.  I was the only person out on the battlefield this morning at 9AM.  It was cold.  I was TEMPTED to cheat and do just two miles.  But I knew that I would only be cheating myself.  I did the WHOLE thing...and then some!  Second 5k of the trilogy done!   One more to go!!!!!

A simple Greeting

And just remember...it's ONE day.....keep it at one day and move on!!!!