Long weekend and honestly...I'm exhausted! My days started early, my evenings ended late....and I was on the go from the first moment until the last. My eating hasn't been the greatest.....the only good thing is that I was moving. Although I have almost entirely stopped the binges....I'm eating at my meals and nothing in between (just chosing bad...I had french fries twice yesterday...lol) Not exactly exercise but MOVING. (ie yesterday we walked ALL around DC and I was on my feet the whole time!)
Christmas was good. But it's over and now I'm starting to get my mind game on losing this weight. I want it GONE....and I'm ready to work for it.
I've been thinking a lot about the weight recently. I had great success. I lost over 130 pounds. I was on top of the world. So why did I gain it back? That is the question of the hour. Because I don't want to go through this again. I want to lose it and KEEP it off. SOOO thinking a lot...... The first time around I lost for a variety of reasons. Yes, I lost becuase I wanted to LIVE...I wanted to be healthy so that when the time came to have a baby I'd be ready and healthy...but I'm gonna be really honest here. I lost to show up someone in my life. I had visions of seeing this person walking down the street and me so very proud of how svelte I looked. Prideful? Absolutely! Did it work well to motivate me? Yeah. And yes, I did have that aha moment when that person saw me and I was thin.....but after that initial rush of pride....I was left with nothing...the motivation was done. Prideful.....absolutely. Am I proud of it? No.
The biggest motivator for me though? I somehow convinced myself that someone in my life would love me if I lost the weight. I worked tirelessly. I was so focused and motivated. I lost that weight. I was on top of the world. I was ready to claim the prize. Only the prize wasn't waiting there for me. This person didn't miraculously begin to love me more. This person didn't just look at me one day and say "WOW, you are the greatest thing!" It didn't work. I was a failure. My mission was not a success. Yeah, I lost the weight, but it didn't solve the woes of my world. It didn't make my world the happy place that I thought it was going to. And I started to fall back on the addiction that I had pushed to the back of my mind. I started to self medicate myself with food. I ate to drown my failure. I ate to feel better. I ate to forget about the love that I so desperately wanted....and I regained the weight. After all, in the back of my mind I'm thinking...why not be fat again....being thin didn't bring me what i so desperately wanted.
Only, it's NOT my failure. I just was looking to claim a prize that was not mine to claim. Oh yeah, I still want that love.....and I am sure that the struggle to NOT self medicate myself with food will be a real and continuing problem in my future. I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I was a success...but I turned that success into a failure......(but it's gonna be a TEMPORARY failure. ) But the big difference? This time I'm going to do it because:
I DESERVE to be thin.
I DESERVE to feel on top of the world.
I DESERVE to have men look at me and whistle.
I DESERVE to be a healthy.
I DESERVE to have a smokin' hot body should any major un-named changes occur in my life.
I am worth it!!!!!!! I am doing it this time for ME! ONLY me. Why? Because I AM WORTH IT!!!!
Gonna have to remind myself of that daily.....because it's so easy to forget!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Productive progress
Soooo...this morning woke up and after breakfast with Todd I was most productive. I straightened the living room and bedroom, vaccumed and shampooed the carpets, emptied the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, swept and scrubbed (on hands and knees) the kitchen floor, made muffins for Todd, peeled and chopped my potatoes for tonights dinner, carted the compost down tot he bins, cleaned out my car and made the bed. I love productivity.
Interesting. I feel more alive and part of the world when I've been productive. How interesting is taht. The days I"m a sluggard and just laze around the house I feel kinda useless. But today I feel alive. Very interesting. :-)
Yesterday I kept my between meal binges to a nil....non existent binging between meals. That's good. I overate a bit at one meal and I didn't eat exactly healthy at another....but at least I didn't binge between meals (which has been a problem the last few weeks......PROGRESS!)
Today I'm working on water and the between meal binging. :-) I knew that it woudl be difficult because we ate a late breakfast and then it's a long haul until dinner....so I brought something for a mid afternoon snack. I knew that if I dind't, I'd raid teh cookies, the candies and all the other goodies that have been dropped off here at work. Progress.
So yes, although my steps are baby steps, I'm making progress.
Interesting. I feel more alive and part of the world when I've been productive. How interesting is taht. The days I"m a sluggard and just laze around the house I feel kinda useless. But today I feel alive. Very interesting. :-)
Yesterday I kept my between meal binges to a nil....non existent binging between meals. That's good. I overate a bit at one meal and I didn't eat exactly healthy at another....but at least I didn't binge between meals (which has been a problem the last few weeks......PROGRESS!)
Today I'm working on water and the between meal binging. :-) I knew that it woudl be difficult because we ate a late breakfast and then it's a long haul until dinner....so I brought something for a mid afternoon snack. I knew that if I dind't, I'd raid teh cookies, the candies and all the other goodies that have been dropped off here at work. Progress.
So yes, although my steps are baby steps, I'm making progress.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The plan begins to formulate in my head
I'm losing this weight.....I haven't started, but I'm GOING to lose. My plan right now. I'm not even going to ATTEMPT to try to lose over the holidays. No way, now how. BUT, from now until the new year, I'm going to focus on trying to STOP the binges! If I can stop the binges, then when the new year comes...I'll be in MUCH better shape to really get the eating under control. I'm also thinking that yes I need to get my food under control but I'm going to focus on getting into religious/regular exercise. I know that if I work out in the morning, that I'm more apt to say "heck no I'm not going to negate that workout by eating this cupcake....or inhaling that chocolate!" Sometimes it is worth it to eat something...but for the most part it's actually a deterrent for me.
I'm looking at ways I can motivate myself with exercise. I work best with a goal. A clear cut goal...one that is verbalized and put out there for the world to see and know. I've been thinking. I've been pondering. On my own it's got to be something that doesn't require me to spend much money on outfitting myself or money for special training. (running? hmmmm) I have a bike, it's not a road bike....it works, but it's not conducive to doing long bike events. Swimming, that would require me to have access to a pool (drat....) You know...it sucks trying to be healthy and switch to an active lifestyle when you are tight on money!
I'm looking at ways I can motivate myself with exercise. I work best with a goal. A clear cut goal...one that is verbalized and put out there for the world to see and know. I've been thinking. I've been pondering. On my own it's got to be something that doesn't require me to spend much money on outfitting myself or money for special training. (running? hmmmm) I have a bike, it's not a road bike....it works, but it's not conducive to doing long bike events. Swimming, that would require me to have access to a pool (drat....) You know...it sucks trying to be healthy and switch to an active lifestyle when you are tight on money!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Binging madness
I didn't make it long before I feel off the band wagon. I totally binged the whole weekend. Ok, so it wasn't constant...but it was too much....it was not the best options. It just wasn't what it should be. I know that a lot of it is stress.....loneliness....all that jazz. But regardless....it was a binge.
SOoooo what am I doing about it? I'm refusing to even START eating the Christmas cookies taht are sitting on the tray over on the counter. They are hard cookies...I don't like hard cookies. I like soft chewy cookies. So that is my route...dont' like that kind of cookies...so thusly I don't need to eat them. I KNOW that if I cave and have even one......it will start the avalanche of cookie madness. Ohhh I don't want cookie madness!
Ate a little much for breakfast. (why did I need a second bowl of cereal...and yeah, I admit it...I ate Apple Jacks...they sounded SOOOOO good...so I had some). But ok, so that wasn't the greatest...lets just END the binge...that is my focus right now.
My last class of zumba is tonight. The new session will start in January (I think January 9)
SOoooo what am I doing about it? I'm refusing to even START eating the Christmas cookies taht are sitting on the tray over on the counter. They are hard cookies...I don't like hard cookies. I like soft chewy cookies. So that is my route...dont' like that kind of cookies...so thusly I don't need to eat them. I KNOW that if I cave and have even one......it will start the avalanche of cookie madness. Ohhh I don't want cookie madness!
Ate a little much for breakfast. (why did I need a second bowl of cereal...and yeah, I admit it...I ate Apple Jacks...they sounded SOOOOO good...so I had some). But ok, so that wasn't the greatest...lets just END the binge...that is my focus right now.
My last class of zumba is tonight. The new session will start in January (I think January 9)
Friday, December 16, 2011
Another day of tracking what I ate. My calories are higher than I want them to be. I've been at roughly 1800-2000 calories. But you know what....I'm cognizant of what I'm doing and I'm tracking. This is the first step. (and even through the office christmas party I tracked and didn't blow the whole day...kept it right in that same range)
Fitness and finances. Do they go hand in hand? Is there a direct correlation to a healthy lifestyle and a healthy wallet? (No, I'm not saying that if you are poor you can't be healthy. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just proposing that it is EASIER if money issues are not involved)
Heck, I just had a really long entry written, laying out how expensive it is.....but it depressed me! Lets just say, yes, you can lose weight on a budget...you can walk, you can run on your roads. But to add variety into your lifestyle you really do need to have some more fundage. Eating healthier is costlier. That's just the way I see it.
So am I saying that I should just throw up my hands and give up becuase I dont' have much extra money? Absolutely not. I will scrimp and save and do what I can to do everything that I need to do in order to lose. I will substitute when I don't have enough money and I will do it.
BUT, it burns me up that it's more difficult for someone of limited means. It just burns me up!
Fitness and finances. Do they go hand in hand? Is there a direct correlation to a healthy lifestyle and a healthy wallet? (No, I'm not saying that if you are poor you can't be healthy. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just proposing that it is EASIER if money issues are not involved)
Heck, I just had a really long entry written, laying out how expensive it is.....but it depressed me! Lets just say, yes, you can lose weight on a budget...you can walk, you can run on your roads. But to add variety into your lifestyle you really do need to have some more fundage. Eating healthier is costlier. That's just the way I see it.
So am I saying that I should just throw up my hands and give up becuase I dont' have much extra money? Absolutely not. I will scrimp and save and do what I can to do everything that I need to do in order to lose. I will substitute when I don't have enough money and I will do it.
BUT, it burns me up that it's more difficult for someone of limited means. It just burns me up!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A year not wasted
Day two...still not a total success...but I'm cognizant of what I'm doing. Easing back into this! I'm gonna persevere! I've made this journey before. I said in this blog that I honestly don't look forward to this journey of weight LOSS again (maybe I'll feel differently when the numbers on the scale start diminishing) but this time I'm going to do something different. This time around, I'm fixing ME inside and out!
Is the year wasted? No, because I spent a lot of my year in introspection. I have discovered things about myself. And in that discovery, I've tried to fix those things that i find lacking and celebrate those things that are strong.
So what have I learned?
1. Somewhere, somehow in the last years I lost who I am. I lost the essence of MaryFran. I have my suspicions on how. And I'm taking steps to keep it from happening any more. But I am trying to rediscover who in the world MaryFran really is? This is actually harder than it seems. Because I've stifled (for various reasons) who i am. Stepping out and being exactly who you are. Not worrying about what people thing...just being you is extremely difficult. (I've done some of it in the face of adversary and disinterest ...but I'm persevering). Who am I?
~~~ I'm rediscovering my long ago hidden sense of humor. I think in weird ways....very outside of the box and in doing so, it's funny as heck. Letting those thoughts out have really released a part of me. I'm not to the point of doing it around everyone...there are still some people in my life that want the 'toned down' robotic Maryfran. But I'm me.....and toned down robotic is no longer acceptable.
~~~~~I'm discovering a passion for photography. I dabble. I admit I dabble. Sometimes I just mash the shutter button and hope for the best. And sometimes, I see the pics I take and I am awed at what I did. I discovered a while back that I feel more free when I have a camera in my hand. But it wasn't until I was taking pictures of a co-worker that I realized how different I WAS. My co-worker looked at me in the middle of our second photo shoot and she said "Wow, you are so different when you have a camera, just so much more fun and funny.....it's like you are a different person." It was an ah ha moment......another facet of Maryfran
~~~~I'm also embracing other parts of me that have been rejected by others...and I'm LOVING it.
2. Somewhere, probably in the midst of losing ME, I went from being a somewhat confident young lady....to being an approaching middle age fraidy cat! An example of this.....I've flown before. Flying did not scare me. So in late October I booked a flight to go visit my brother. And for the month preceeding the flight I was in a perpetual state of panic. Why? Was I afraid of flying? NO Was I afraid of checking in? NO Was I afraid I wasn't going to be picked up on the arrival end? NO Are you ready? I was afraid of the connection. if I would have been able to book a straight flight, I would have been peachy, no fear. But I had a layover....(a very short layover which added to my fear) and would have to deplane and find my way across a large airport , through different terminals and to another gate. Oh my word. I was flipping out. I tried to hide my fear. Very few people were privy to my fear. I knew it was irrational. I mean, seriously...what's the worse that would happen? Something out of my control would cause me to miss my flight...so I get re booked and have to wait at a hotel by the airport or in the airport. That's not earth shattering. But regardless, it was my fear. I knew I had to face it. SO face it I did. I managed. Was it a flawless layover (the first was...the return trip was nightmarish.....first plane delayed, no gate to deplane first plane...finally off first plane literally 10 minutes before second plane was set to take off.......deplaned ON THE TARMAC, WILD run across the tarmac, through concourse C....through underground tunnels.....down past gate after gate....until I got to concourse A.....gate A 19 (Concourse A had 78 gates...we are talking HUGE.).......all in 10 minutes, with carry on baggage flying behind me....at a dead run. Yes, Fat girl RAN...and fat girl made it....and yes, I thought I was going to have a lung explode! But you know what. I did it...I made it. And even if I wouldn't have...nothing BAD would have happened. Totally irrational fear.
I still have irrational fears....but I'm looking them in the face (or trying to...some make me cower and curl up in a corner still) and conquering them. I want the confident young lady back (well...ok, I want to be a confident middle age lady!)
3. I feel into the trap when I got married that I should be waiting at home for my husband.....at his beck and call. This is not a bad thing. But it is a bad thing when you do so to the extreme, I turned down opportunities to do stuff with friends. It deterred me from doing things with myself. My husband didn't demand it or even expect it from me. I did it to myself. (once again, I had my reasons...but we won't go into that here). I'm trying to break that mold. I'm not ignoring my husband, but if he's working...I'm NOT sitting at home. I'm getting out. I'm walking with friends (Hi Sherry). I'm going to dinner with friends (Hi Karen). I'm going to zumba. I'm going out by myself. I'm rediscovering LIFE!
Soooo these are some of the basic things I'm doing to fix ME on the inside. I've got a LOT more to fix. But now that I'm fixing that and finding that I really do like me......I know that the weight will drop!!!!
Is the year wasted? No, because I spent a lot of my year in introspection. I have discovered things about myself. And in that discovery, I've tried to fix those things that i find lacking and celebrate those things that are strong.
So what have I learned?
1. Somewhere, somehow in the last years I lost who I am. I lost the essence of MaryFran. I have my suspicions on how. And I'm taking steps to keep it from happening any more. But I am trying to rediscover who in the world MaryFran really is? This is actually harder than it seems. Because I've stifled (for various reasons) who i am. Stepping out and being exactly who you are. Not worrying about what people thing...just being you is extremely difficult. (I've done some of it in the face of adversary and disinterest ...but I'm persevering). Who am I?
~~~ I'm rediscovering my long ago hidden sense of humor. I think in weird ways....very outside of the box and in doing so, it's funny as heck. Letting those thoughts out have really released a part of me. I'm not to the point of doing it around everyone...there are still some people in my life that want the 'toned down' robotic Maryfran. But I'm me.....and toned down robotic is no longer acceptable.
~~~~~I'm discovering a passion for photography. I dabble. I admit I dabble. Sometimes I just mash the shutter button and hope for the best. And sometimes, I see the pics I take and I am awed at what I did. I discovered a while back that I feel more free when I have a camera in my hand. But it wasn't until I was taking pictures of a co-worker that I realized how different I WAS. My co-worker looked at me in the middle of our second photo shoot and she said "Wow, you are so different when you have a camera, just so much more fun and funny.....it's like you are a different person." It was an ah ha moment......another facet of Maryfran
~~~~I'm also embracing other parts of me that have been rejected by others...and I'm LOVING it.
2. Somewhere, probably in the midst of losing ME, I went from being a somewhat confident young lady....to being an approaching middle age fraidy cat! An example of this.....I've flown before. Flying did not scare me. So in late October I booked a flight to go visit my brother. And for the month preceeding the flight I was in a perpetual state of panic. Why? Was I afraid of flying? NO Was I afraid of checking in? NO Was I afraid I wasn't going to be picked up on the arrival end? NO Are you ready? I was afraid of the connection. if I would have been able to book a straight flight, I would have been peachy, no fear. But I had a layover....(a very short layover which added to my fear) and would have to deplane and find my way across a large airport , through different terminals and to another gate. Oh my word. I was flipping out. I tried to hide my fear. Very few people were privy to my fear. I knew it was irrational. I mean, seriously...what's the worse that would happen? Something out of my control would cause me to miss my flight...so I get re booked and have to wait at a hotel by the airport or in the airport. That's not earth shattering. But regardless, it was my fear. I knew I had to face it. SO face it I did. I managed. Was it a flawless layover (the first was...the return trip was nightmarish.....first plane delayed, no gate to deplane first plane...finally off first plane literally 10 minutes before second plane was set to take off.......deplaned ON THE TARMAC, WILD run across the tarmac, through concourse C....through underground tunnels.....down past gate after gate....until I got to concourse A.....gate A 19 (Concourse A had 78 gates...we are talking HUGE.).......all in 10 minutes, with carry on baggage flying behind me....at a dead run. Yes, Fat girl RAN...and fat girl made it....and yes, I thought I was going to have a lung explode! But you know what. I did it...I made it. And even if I wouldn't have...nothing BAD would have happened. Totally irrational fear.
I still have irrational fears....but I'm looking them in the face (or trying to...some make me cower and curl up in a corner still) and conquering them. I want the confident young lady back (well...ok, I want to be a confident middle age lady!)
3. I feel into the trap when I got married that I should be waiting at home for my husband.....at his beck and call. This is not a bad thing. But it is a bad thing when you do so to the extreme, I turned down opportunities to do stuff with friends. It deterred me from doing things with myself. My husband didn't demand it or even expect it from me. I did it to myself. (once again, I had my reasons...but we won't go into that here). I'm trying to break that mold. I'm not ignoring my husband, but if he's working...I'm NOT sitting at home. I'm getting out. I'm walking with friends (Hi Sherry). I'm going to dinner with friends (Hi Karen). I'm going to zumba. I'm going out by myself. I'm rediscovering LIFE!
Soooo these are some of the basic things I'm doing to fix ME on the inside. I've got a LOT more to fix. But now that I'm fixing that and finding that I really do like me......I know that the weight will drop!!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Day one
Ok, so day one was not the greatest. No.....we are not going to look at the negatives. Wea re going to focus on the positives.
Postive things from day one.
I tracked my food! Yes, I tracked my food intake!
I exercised! I did my hour of zumba! Sooo wanted to ditch it and go home after work, but I drove right by my house and went straight to zumba!
The negative...I will own up to it, but refuse to dwell on it. My negative is that I made a tactical error. I ate my lunch at work, but forgot to pack a quick snack...so I ate lunch at 12 or so and then didn't eat again...went to zumba and was sooo freakin' hungry when I got home at 8:15 that I pretty much gnawed the cabinet doors off in order to get to the food. Yeah, I overate last night. Tactical error...one I will not be making again! :-) Lesson learned, time to move on.
Today is a new day. Tracking....moving onward......workin' it!
Postive things from day one.
I tracked my food! Yes, I tracked my food intake!
I exercised! I did my hour of zumba! Sooo wanted to ditch it and go home after work, but I drove right by my house and went straight to zumba!
The negative...I will own up to it, but refuse to dwell on it. My negative is that I made a tactical error. I ate my lunch at work, but forgot to pack a quick snack...so I ate lunch at 12 or so and then didn't eat again...went to zumba and was sooo freakin' hungry when I got home at 8:15 that I pretty much gnawed the cabinet doors off in order to get to the food. Yeah, I overate last night. Tactical error...one I will not be making again! :-) Lesson learned, time to move on.
Today is a new day. Tracking....moving onward......workin' it!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
On the road again
I've been here time and time again. I honestly do not look forward to the journey ahead. Let me just get this out there. I am not looking forward to it at all. I KNOW what to do. I have the know how. I KNOW what needs to be done. The thought of doing it just bores me to tears.
Will it be worth it though? Yeah, I know it will. I want the end result more than anything, so that means that I have to make the sacrifices necessary to get there.
Sooo I gave up my weight watcher membership a while back. I was a weight watcher from 2006 onward. The plan REALLY does work.....but you have to work the plan. I haven't been working the plan for a while. I know me...I need something different. I logged onto fitday.com this morning. Before weight watchers I had some success using that website. So I'll start there. The only bad thing...don't think they have an app for my phone. (update...they DO have an app!) But you know what...it worked before, I'll make it work again! :-)
The time has come to do it. Maybe I should be totally excited about this journey...but it's just such a long one....one that I feel like I've been doing for YEARS now. I know that this is a rest of my life thing.....but this journey of losing is the one I dread!
Will it be worth it though? Yeah, I know it will. I want the end result more than anything, so that means that I have to make the sacrifices necessary to get there.
Sooo I gave up my weight watcher membership a while back. I was a weight watcher from 2006 onward. The plan REALLY does work.....but you have to work the plan. I haven't been working the plan for a while. I know me...I need something different. I logged onto fitday.com this morning. Before weight watchers I had some success using that website. So I'll start there. The only bad thing...don't think they have an app for my phone. (update...they DO have an app!) But you know what...it worked before, I'll make it work again! :-)
The time has come to do it. Maybe I should be totally excited about this journey...but it's just such a long one....one that I feel like I've been doing for YEARS now. I know that this is a rest of my life thing.....but this journey of losing is the one I dread!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Nothing Ventured Nothing gained!
Saw a blurb on CNN a few weeks ago. In it they mentioned that they will be picking 6 average viewers (ireporters) to train for a triathlon. It struck a chord with me (bucket list item 5......to complete in a triathlon). So I started thinking about it. I mentioned it to a few people so that they would hold me accountable. I did the video yesterday and posted it today......for better or worse, I've done everything I can do. :-)
http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-716119
http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-716119
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Here I am
I missed yesterday. A good friend encouraged me to check in every day. Gotta rebuild the habit. But I'm doign ok with my eating. I'm not setting the world on fire. But i'm also not shoving tasty cakes into my mouth. OK OK OK, i've not done that in YEARS. I'm watching my points. Eating sensibly. Slowly retaking control of my eating. The rest will fall in line!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Believe
I won't even tell you how many times I've listened to this song in the last few days! It just speaks to me!
I've been walking with a friend once a week for the last few. Today while walking with her it cemented in my mind that I'm WORTH the effort. And I can do it. It may not be the way I want to do it. It may not be at the rate I lost it before. But I can do this! She also said that I need to write in my blog every day. (and she's right, I have better success when I'm writing...it keeps me grounded) Even if it's only to say "Hiya" or "How ya doin'" So here I am.
My goal. This week I will be focusing on my eating. My eating NEEDS to get under control. Sitting on the fence and eating 'ok' during 'most' weeks is not cutting it. It's keeping me from gaining TONS....but the weeks I lose control causes me to gain... So this week. From RIGHT NOW onward, i'm going to eat RIGHT! And yes, she's going to be asking me! I'm counting on it!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
the will
Yes, i'm a total food addict...it's ALWAYS my first thought. And the problem with a food addiction. I acn't just remove myself from situations where I will be confronted with my addiction (ie remove myself from bars if i'm an alcoholic, or whatever) I have to confront my addiction each and every day.
I was watching the biggest loser this morning... (taped it from Tuesday night...season opener) .and they said something about how they wanted to lose because they wanted to LIVE. And it hit me....that's my problem. The first time around, yeah, I had lots of reasons to lose. To try to win something back. (that didn't work) To be healthy to have a baby (still childless) But mainly because I knew that my weight was going to kill me if I didn't do anything about it and more than anything I wanted to live. I've been depressed and while I'm not bad enough to even consider doing something like that ....I don't have a drive, a will to live. I'm just sitting back and letting life wash over me and what happens happens. That is the crux of the problem........
I was watching the biggest loser this morning... (taped it from Tuesday night...season opener) .and they said something about how they wanted to lose because they wanted to LIVE. And it hit me....that's my problem. The first time around, yeah, I had lots of reasons to lose. To try to win something back. (that didn't work) To be healthy to have a baby (still childless) But mainly because I knew that my weight was going to kill me if I didn't do anything about it and more than anything I wanted to live. I've been depressed and while I'm not bad enough to even consider doing something like that ....I don't have a drive, a will to live. I'm just sitting back and letting life wash over me and what happens happens. That is the crux of the problem........
Thursday, September 15, 2011
A little bit of everything all rolled into one
Didn't make it to weight watchers this morning. Yeah, bad me. I'm taking last weeks number and my goal is to be lower than that next week. (which will be hard because I'm assuming that this week would have been higher, so I will have to recoup this last weeks gain, whatever it is/was). So why didn't I go????? Honestly, I know that in my emotional state, if I would have gone in there and seen a higher number, I probably would have just sat down on the floor and cried. Am I up. I would wager a HUGE bet yes. Can I deal with that too right now? NO. I know it. So I just avoided. Is that the best course of action to avoid? Probably not. Am I totally avoiding the situation? NO. I've got a goal in my head and I'm going to work toward it. I'm just avoiding the scale. (oh and well, I just didn't have the energy to actually get up, get dressed and drive into town....I did all that at the very last second before having to go to work).
Yesterdays eating...ok, lunch was a bit much. I forgot to eat breakfast.... Went to a local Italian eatery for lunch and had Baked ziti, salad and garlic bread. The owner also made us some kind of fried doughy dessert, which was yummy. I was so full. Dinner was late and I had a turkey burger on a bun and some mac-n-cheese. For dessert I had some no sugar added, low fat ice cream (peanut butter ripple...yum....weis brand)
I made it to zumba. My back was sore when it was over. I'm going to continue to go. I can take it slow. It's just tired and slightly achy..nothing major.
I wish this funk would just leave. I don't now what to do....where to turn. I know somethings in my life have to change..but I'm clueless about how to enact the changes that I need (I'm not in control of some of the changes) and the alternative if those changes are not made is just as abhorrent.
Yesterdays eating...ok, lunch was a bit much. I forgot to eat breakfast.... Went to a local Italian eatery for lunch and had Baked ziti, salad and garlic bread. The owner also made us some kind of fried doughy dessert, which was yummy. I was so full. Dinner was late and I had a turkey burger on a bun and some mac-n-cheese. For dessert I had some no sugar added, low fat ice cream (peanut butter ripple...yum....weis brand)
I made it to zumba. My back was sore when it was over. I'm going to continue to go. I can take it slow. It's just tired and slightly achy..nothing major.
I wish this funk would just leave. I don't now what to do....where to turn. I know somethings in my life have to change..but I'm clueless about how to enact the changes that I need (I'm not in control of some of the changes) and the alternative if those changes are not made is just as abhorrent.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
So here I am. Another day into the history books. Holding on. Got dealt another blow last night via email.....it is a blow that COULD go either way. But the down and dirty thought right now is that I'm left holding the bag waiting for a final answer. Great just what I need on my plate, one more thing to think about. One more thing to worry about. One more thing to clog up my head.
My plans for my eating yesterday? That is the big question of the day. How did I do with my eating. I did pretty well while at work. I ate what was in my lunch and only had a few chips that were not in my lunchbox (the special K chips that were in my lunchbox were really stale...oops...so I threw those away and had some regular chips). Evening.....well.....extenuating circumstances. Found out yesterday that Todd's great uncle (he was raised with his grandparents though, so for all intent purposes this is his uncle...one he saw pretty much every day growing up) passed away and the viewing was yesterday evening. So we mobilized and ran over there for the viewing.....and of course ended up at Battleview (the local convenience store...the ONLY one in this dink town) for dinner. I ordered a turkey and cheese sub. And when they asked do you want a whole one or a half one. What do you think I said? "Why of course I want a whole one" ~~~~rolling eyes~~~ And of course I had a bag (individual serving size bag) of chips. AND if that wasn't enough, we hit up the ice cream shop afterwards.. (chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with peanut butter topping...YUM....I DID order a small). I didn't eat anything else that evening though...so I guess that's a victory.
Tonight is zumba.......yes, unless something comes up, I'm going. Baby steps. And weee, weight watchers tomorrow....I get to go back and see my weight rise. But no more.....I may have an addiction to food. But food is the ONE thing in my life I do have control over. I need to take control over this one aspect of my life.
My plans for my eating yesterday? That is the big question of the day. How did I do with my eating. I did pretty well while at work. I ate what was in my lunch and only had a few chips that were not in my lunchbox (the special K chips that were in my lunchbox were really stale...oops...so I threw those away and had some regular chips). Evening.....well.....extenuating circumstances. Found out yesterday that Todd's great uncle (he was raised with his grandparents though, so for all intent purposes this is his uncle...one he saw pretty much every day growing up) passed away and the viewing was yesterday evening. So we mobilized and ran over there for the viewing.....and of course ended up at Battleview (the local convenience store...the ONLY one in this dink town) for dinner. I ordered a turkey and cheese sub. And when they asked do you want a whole one or a half one. What do you think I said? "Why of course I want a whole one" ~~~~rolling eyes~~~ And of course I had a bag (individual serving size bag) of chips. AND if that wasn't enough, we hit up the ice cream shop afterwards.. (chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with peanut butter topping...YUM....I DID order a small). I didn't eat anything else that evening though...so I guess that's a victory.
Tonight is zumba.......yes, unless something comes up, I'm going. Baby steps. And weee, weight watchers tomorrow....I get to go back and see my weight rise. But no more.....I may have an addiction to food. But food is the ONE thing in my life I do have control over. I need to take control over this one aspect of my life.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Silence is....
Silence is fattening in my case. Historically, when I disappear, I am doing poorly in this weight loss game. This last time was no different. I feel off the wagon. It didn't help that we had vacation stuck smack dab in the middle of my silent period. Yes, vacations can be healthy and have weight loss results. BUT mine didn't. OK OK OK, I'd say about 10 pounds (home scales)....well about 10 pounds on the weight watchers scales tooo....even though our scales are WAY off in what they weigh us at. (hell, I just put new batteries in the home scales the other week and this morning they won't even turn on....I think new scales will be entering our house tomorrow). I'm not happy about it AT ALL. But I know what needs to be done. Track my food. Just say no when the urge to snack and eat uncontrollably overtakes me. Will power baby. That's what it takes.
The problem? This is a mental game. Oh yeah, it's 100% mental. The choices to eat or not eat something is made in my head. The war within me is fought all in a mental fashion. I can win the mental game. It takes focus. I've won it before, that's not a problem. The problem......I've got so much other.....well...crapola in my mind that I can't focus on the weight. My mind is whirling in a fever that is unprecedented for me. Honestly, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into oblivion. It's not over any one thing in my life. I can't say that I want to cry because of such and such. It's just EVERYTHING all combined into one hellish feeling. I know that my weight is part of it. Yes, very much so. But the food addiction overtakes. Yesterday I fed my addiction. And I'm going to put it out there...
Woke up, cried for about an hour....ate an English muffin while I packed my lunch for work (all while crying). I made good choices for my lunch. I got to work at 10. By 10:30 I was struggling to hold it together emotionally and my thoughts turned to food (naturally, food is my friend). My lunch seemed BORING and lackluster....so I called in a food order and went out and picked up a turkey and cheese sub. I ate that with the soda that I bought. And then I proceeded to eat the food in my lunch box ANYWAY (throughout the course of the afternoon).....applesauce, cherries, corn, jello cup, 100 calorie pack. And that still wasn't enough, so I dug into the cabinet at work and ate some chips AND two pieces of leftover snack/granola caramel bar thingies. I went to zumba and that did make me feel a bit better......came home and had not one, not two but THREE turkey hot dogs and some baked beans. And after dinner.....why I had a root beer float! (hey, it was fat free ice cream...but not a diet root beer!) I fed my addiction yesterday. I tried to eat to down my sorrows. Does it make me feel better? It is a fleeting feeling of peace....but everything crashes right back upon me. I know this. Yet I continue to eat.
I'm not going to promise greatness today with my eating. I'm a food addict. I'm for some reason depressed beyond reason. that's not a good combination. But I'm going to try. I'm NOT ordering lunch, I have my lunch in my lunchbox. I did have a decent breakfast (waffles and bacon) and I dont' know what I'll have for dinner. My plan though is to know EXACTLY what I'm eating for dinner before I leave for work. I don't want anything THINKING about dinner to occur when I'm in the kitchen. I am not promising that it's going to be under my points target for the day. But I am going to try to hold it together and not eat indiscriminately today. THAT is my goal.
I can't fix my world....but maybe, just maybe if I fix my eating and my weight I'll feel a wee bit better about everything else.
The problem? This is a mental game. Oh yeah, it's 100% mental. The choices to eat or not eat something is made in my head. The war within me is fought all in a mental fashion. I can win the mental game. It takes focus. I've won it before, that's not a problem. The problem......I've got so much other.....well...crapola in my mind that I can't focus on the weight. My mind is whirling in a fever that is unprecedented for me. Honestly, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into oblivion. It's not over any one thing in my life. I can't say that I want to cry because of such and such. It's just EVERYTHING all combined into one hellish feeling. I know that my weight is part of it. Yes, very much so. But the food addiction overtakes. Yesterday I fed my addiction. And I'm going to put it out there...
Woke up, cried for about an hour....ate an English muffin while I packed my lunch for work (all while crying). I made good choices for my lunch. I got to work at 10. By 10:30 I was struggling to hold it together emotionally and my thoughts turned to food (naturally, food is my friend). My lunch seemed BORING and lackluster....so I called in a food order and went out and picked up a turkey and cheese sub. I ate that with the soda that I bought. And then I proceeded to eat the food in my lunch box ANYWAY (throughout the course of the afternoon).....applesauce, cherries, corn, jello cup, 100 calorie pack. And that still wasn't enough, so I dug into the cabinet at work and ate some chips AND two pieces of leftover snack/granola caramel bar thingies. I went to zumba and that did make me feel a bit better......came home and had not one, not two but THREE turkey hot dogs and some baked beans. And after dinner.....why I had a root beer float! (hey, it was fat free ice cream...but not a diet root beer!) I fed my addiction yesterday. I tried to eat to down my sorrows. Does it make me feel better? It is a fleeting feeling of peace....but everything crashes right back upon me. I know this. Yet I continue to eat.
I'm not going to promise greatness today with my eating. I'm a food addict. I'm for some reason depressed beyond reason. that's not a good combination. But I'm going to try. I'm NOT ordering lunch, I have my lunch in my lunchbox. I did have a decent breakfast (waffles and bacon) and I dont' know what I'll have for dinner. My plan though is to know EXACTLY what I'm eating for dinner before I leave for work. I don't want anything THINKING about dinner to occur when I'm in the kitchen. I am not promising that it's going to be under my points target for the day. But I am going to try to hold it together and not eat indiscriminately today. THAT is my goal.
I can't fix my world....but maybe, just maybe if I fix my eating and my weight I'll feel a wee bit better about everything else.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Weigh in
Ok, so the first few weeks back at Weight Watchers my scales and the weight watchers scales were literally within a half pound of each other. I was happy. I would be able to keep a pretty close track on where I am in my weight loss. So last week I was tickled because my scales showed a nice loss. I got to the weight watcher meeting and low and behold it only showed me down 2 pounds. My home scales showed BIG...like 5 pounds. (yeah, that's a lot, but sometimes our bodies lose that way). So i just chalked it up to "must have eaten something salty (I had eaten out for lunch that day between my home weigh in and my meeting weigh in) and rolled with it. So my home scales were up a bit the next day so I felt ok. Fast forward to this week......home scales showed me down 7 pounds from last weeks weight watcher weigh in. So I felt confident that i would show SOME kind of loss. NO NO NO.....I showed a gain of .6. What's up with this? My home scales are really my gauge. I go by my weight watcher as my official loss counter...but my home scales are where I really feel and judge my results! ARRGGGHHHH
This go round is going so much slower. I don't know if it's becuase I'm just older or if it's becuase this is really old hat. I've been doign this for so long (even when I gained I ws still somewhat doing it). I'm not sure. But I dont like slow! I want instananeous. Yeah, I know that's not the way that these things work. But I want it!
So I plug along. I'm going to conquer this!!! SOOOOOO Even with my weight GAIN this week (and the big gain the last year or two)...I'm STILL 81.2 pounds down from my ultimate highest. I need to build on THAT and not he measely 4.2 pounds I've lost since re-starting weight watchers!
This go round is going so much slower. I don't know if it's becuase I'm just older or if it's becuase this is really old hat. I've been doign this for so long (even when I gained I ws still somewhat doing it). I'm not sure. But I dont like slow! I want instananeous. Yeah, I know that's not the way that these things work. But I want it!
So I plug along. I'm going to conquer this!!! SOOOOOO Even with my weight GAIN this week (and the big gain the last year or two)...I'm STILL 81.2 pounds down from my ultimate highest. I need to build on THAT and not he measely 4.2 pounds I've lost since re-starting weight watchers!
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Down but NOT out.
I am still experiencing some issues with my back. Nothing debilitating, but just some lingering aches. I was hoping to get back to zumba this week. I had made it about a week without pain, felt wonderful. So Sunday night I packed my gym bag with my clothes so that I could go straight after work. Woke up on Monday morning.....PAIN. Nothing major...more achy than anything...but not 100% up to snuff though. So I'm giving it another week. I'm thinkign about heading to a chiropractor....this has been a month now.
BUt the good news? I HAVE restarted weight watchers and I'm holding it steady and I'm at the end of week two! I'm gonna beat this weight again. ANd this time, I am NOT going to regain! NO WAY!
BUt the good news? I HAVE restarted weight watchers and I'm holding it steady and I'm at the end of week two! I'm gonna beat this weight again. ANd this time, I am NOT going to regain! NO WAY!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I've been here!
Well, my month of 'trying it on my own' is technically up. How did I do? In the first two weeks I lost 6 pounds. And then life went crazy. Over the fourth of July weekend I pulled my back out. I was literally FLAT and couldn't move at first. HORRIBLE! I'm STILL in pain and it's two weeks later. So the last two weeks I've not exercised at all....and ate the easiest food to find and prepare as standing upright was a challenge for quite a while...and I've regained 4 of those pounds. So I AM down. Will I be joining weight watchers. I've pretty much decided yes.
The back....i'm thinking that yes, the extra weight is causing some of the problems. the back I'm sure would have been healed by now...BUT the garden is producing heavily and that means lots of hours i the kitchen canning....canning is hard work on the best of days. As in after a big canning session my body just aches...so to START canning and already have an ache, that's just a recipe for disaster.....so my healing has been 2 steps forward one step back. A constant push and pull. But I WILL get there.
The weight WILL come off too. This back issue is the icing on the cake. I'm not sayign that the back wouldn't have gotten hurt if I wasn't ....well....fat. But I know that when I was at my doctor approved goal weight that I didn't suffer from as many back aches and knee aches and whatnot.
The back....i'm thinking that yes, the extra weight is causing some of the problems. the back I'm sure would have been healed by now...BUT the garden is producing heavily and that means lots of hours i the kitchen canning....canning is hard work on the best of days. As in after a big canning session my body just aches...so to START canning and already have an ache, that's just a recipe for disaster.....so my healing has been 2 steps forward one step back. A constant push and pull. But I WILL get there.
The weight WILL come off too. This back issue is the icing on the cake. I'm not sayign that the back wouldn't have gotten hurt if I wasn't ....well....fat. But I know that when I was at my doctor approved goal weight that I didn't suffer from as many back aches and knee aches and whatnot.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
truckin' on
Took a sneak peak at the scales this morning. Down a pound. So i'm happy. Slowly but surely I'm gonna get there.
I'm very proud of myself for really sticking to a proper eating plan. I have splurged and had a handful of chocolate chips the last two nights. But you know what? I've had the points for them...so I feel absolutely no guilt. I've also been doing really good with ignoring the diet soda in the evening. I have been drinking a glass of Crystal Light Pink lemonade in the evenings...and that satisfies the sweet tooth/sweet drink craving.
I'm gonna do this.
Meanwhile, on top of the broken car window (husbands weedwacking produced more than chopped weeds) and the tire issue after I was run off the road by the redneck in the SUV....my shoulder muscle seems to be seizing up again (joy joy). I have a wart that we 'froze' off yesterday here at work (yeah, I have a crazy job....) and my finger is not feeling to great. haa haa haa. And my eye is all swollen and hurts (bad enough that I don't have my contacts in today) I'm just falling apart! Don't we shoot animals that are in misery? haa haa haa
Little nervous about the weekend. Eating wise...we'll be going to Lancaster County with mom and dad (dad's preaching up there this weekend).....good food. Eii yiii yiii
I'm very proud of myself for really sticking to a proper eating plan. I have splurged and had a handful of chocolate chips the last two nights. But you know what? I've had the points for them...so I feel absolutely no guilt. I've also been doing really good with ignoring the diet soda in the evening. I have been drinking a glass of Crystal Light Pink lemonade in the evenings...and that satisfies the sweet tooth/sweet drink craving.
I'm gonna do this.
Meanwhile, on top of the broken car window (husbands weedwacking produced more than chopped weeds) and the tire issue after I was run off the road by the redneck in the SUV....my shoulder muscle seems to be seizing up again (joy joy). I have a wart that we 'froze' off yesterday here at work (yeah, I have a crazy job....) and my finger is not feeling to great. haa haa haa. And my eye is all swollen and hurts (bad enough that I don't have my contacts in today) I'm just falling apart! Don't we shoot animals that are in misery? haa haa haa
Little nervous about the weekend. Eating wise...we'll be going to Lancaster County with mom and dad (dad's preaching up there this weekend).....good food. Eii yiii yiii
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Ironic
Ironically enough, usually when I don't blog it means that I've not been on track. This is not the case. Last week i was dead on...and lost 3.5 pounds. This week I'm holding steady. I did go over my points one day, but I think I should still be ok. :-) We'll see. :-) Todd and I have gotten out for some walks and I did zumba last night and plan to again tonight. So I'm workin' it.
Why haven't I been on........I feel like my life is crashing down around me. Last friday I had a slight accident (ran off the road), yesterday Todd was weedwacking and a stone flew up and broke a back side window in his car....and on and on. Life is just crashing around me. These things just exacerbate the other daily struggles that I've been facing.
Last night I literally just wanted to sit and cry. I soooooo thought about skipping zumba, but I went, held back my tears and exercised. I went home. I still felt like crying. I put together a breakfast casserold for today and ate my dinner. I wanted to just shovel food into my mouth with no thought. Food is my friend and I really needed a friend. But I also realized that it would make me feel good for exactly 2 minutes (or however long it took me to eat it) but then life would come again, crashing around me. I realized that not only would the same problems still be there...but I'd also have the self chastisment from binging on food I DIDN"T need. So I stayed with my meal plan and because I did actually have the points, I splurged on a handful of chocolate chips. Boy did I want more...but I didn't eat anything. I parked my butt on the couch and didn't budge!
Why haven't I been on........I feel like my life is crashing down around me. Last friday I had a slight accident (ran off the road), yesterday Todd was weedwacking and a stone flew up and broke a back side window in his car....and on and on. Life is just crashing around me. These things just exacerbate the other daily struggles that I've been facing.
Last night I literally just wanted to sit and cry. I soooooo thought about skipping zumba, but I went, held back my tears and exercised. I went home. I still felt like crying. I put together a breakfast casserold for today and ate my dinner. I wanted to just shovel food into my mouth with no thought. Food is my friend and I really needed a friend. But I also realized that it would make me feel good for exactly 2 minutes (or however long it took me to eat it) but then life would come again, crashing around me. I realized that not only would the same problems still be there...but I'd also have the self chastisment from binging on food I DIDN"T need. So I stayed with my meal plan and because I did actually have the points, I splurged on a handful of chocolate chips. Boy did I want more...but I didn't eat anything. I parked my butt on the couch and didn't budge!
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