Renassaince festival and food

What in the world can I say???????   

I didn't do one step of running.  Ok, maybe I ran up the steps that one time when I was in the basement and really had to pee!  Does that count?????  

I actually had plans to run, but it just seemed as if I was busy from sun up to sun down the whole weekend.  That's a good thing I guess.  But bad for the running.  

My eating has been 100% tracked.  I have put it all down.  The bad, the good and the ugly.  It hasn't been stellar.  But it hasn't been off the hook bad.  Probably 200-300 calories over each day.   I am somehow still holding onto my lower weight.  I know I have to round it up and watch closely if I want to lose more.  That or I seriously need to pick up my exercise hot and heavy again.  

I went to the Maryland Renaissance Festival with some friends yesterday.  As always the food was delicious!  I was surprised...I thought we would have a lot more steps in.   Luckily I didn't go too overboard in my eating!  

Zumba tonight......and then running tomorrow morning.  That's the plan!

It hurts

The tracking is going well.   I have weighed myself almost every day and I'm happy to say that the numbers are dropping.   Official weigh in for the week is tomorrow....so holding it together for that event.  I did eat late last night and for that reason decided to forgo the weigh in this morning.  While I was out on my run I started to regret that decision.   Lessons learned.   I will weigh tomorrow.

Running.....well.....what can I say, but I have reached a decision.  The pneumonia set me back in the training by a few weeks.  I tried to pick it up and get back to it...but bumping my mileage so quickly didn't go over well with my body (maybe it was that in combination with the weather changing that messed with the arthritis....who knows).    But I have officially decided to announce that I will not be running the half marathon in a week and a half.  It pains me to say it.  It pains me to give up on this one.   I feel like a failure.  But, I also know that it wasn't right for my body at this time.   I will do things differently should I ever decide to once again attempt to undertake running a half marathon.   What would I do differently?   

1.  Be at a lower weight for one.   My arthritis typically hurts at a certain weight and fades away at a lower weight.  So it stands to reason that I would have much less difficulty at a lower weight.  

2.  Secondly?  I need to be much more consistent with my running leading up to the beginning of a training plan.  I would like to go into the training plan being able to consistently and somewhat easily run the minimum (or more) that the training plan expects.  Yes, I was following a training plan that 'assumed' that you could run 3 miles.   I could run/walk three miles, and that came back to haunt me time and time again as my base 'knowledge and endurance' were lacking from the get go.  

3.   Plan more wiggle room in the training schedule for the little surprises that life throws at me. (Like pneumonia.....and a raging case of poison that made running absolutely miserable....and a week of rain that messed with the arthritis......and whatever else that life throws at me).  Starting earlier......important!

4.  Possibly, try to find a support group that is also training for a half.  Even if it is just online, that would be super motivating for me for sure!  

So yes, the decision is made.  It's official.  It bothers me, but it's for the best.  Last Saturday I ran with the thought in mind that the run would be the deciding factor.  I ran 2.5 miles.   It felt good to be back out there.  I completed my zumba class on Monday.  This cool fall Tuesday morning I laced up my shoes again....and knocked out 3.5 miles.  I'm enjoying the shorter mileage.  I'm enjoying the lack of pressure to complete a certain number of miles.  I'm just enjoying the run. 

Today's run was a good one.   At about one mile in I started to falter.  I wanted to quit, I wanted to give up....I wanted to stop.  And I asked myself a question.......and this next part of my post is what came from my mind.  (As a side note, I have been long writing down lessons I've learned during weight loss.......this lesson grew in my mind while I was running....hopefully it wasn't a delusional thought and actually makes sense!)   Ohh, and for the record?   I didn't stop at that one mile "I think I need to stop moment"   I didn't stop until I was in front of my house at mile 3.5!

It hurts!

 The weather was perfect!  I was out running which should have made me smile to be outside on such a gorgeous day.   However, it wasn't an easy run.  It wasn't an easy run at all.  I wanted to stop so bad.  My breathing was ragged and choppy and my legs.  Oh, how my legs ached!  I wanted to stop.  I wanted to give up.  I wanted to call it quits!   But some words of wisdom that my brother had given me came to my mind.  He had gently (or not so gently) reminded me that aches and pains are there but they are rarely going to make you die...it's your brain TELLING you that you are going to die.  The being out of breath from pushing yourself?   Yeah, your not dying, you just think you are.  You would pass out first and that is your bodies way of regulating your bodies systems.  I remembered these words.  And I made it a point to ask myself this one question every time I wanted to quit.  "Am I dying?"

Exercise hurts.  It's not for the faint of heart at all.  It is going to hurt.  If you are really pushing yourself, you will ache.   I can't tell you how many days I have been sitting at my desk at work quietly minding my own business until I go to stand up.  Then the groan that rips forth rattles the windows and causes my coworkers to all look my way in surprise. (OK, they have gotten used to hearing me whimper a bit and to watching me hobble.)  My muscles protest and that's just the way it is going to be, because the end result is fantastic.  You see, exercise if not for the faint of heart, but it is for the people that crave a total success in their healthy lifestyle journey. 

Half of the world has heard and repeated the quote from one of the earlier seasons of The Biggest Loser. It is a quote from the trainer Jillian Michaels.  And what is that quote exactly?   "Unless you puke, faint or die;  Keep going"   Jillian Michaels nailed it on the head with that quote.   Pain is inevitable in exercise.  

There is a fine line between in the spectrum of pain.   Aches and pains and tiredness are one thing.   Hearing your bone crack as it breaks seconds before you fall to the ground, well that's a different story.  There has to be some kind of question or realization within us that lets us correctly make a decision to continue on or to stop.   For me that question is "Am I dying?"

Am I dying is my first question I ask myself when a run gets difficult.  It's the first question I ask myself when I want to back down my level of intensity at a zumba class. It's the first question on my lips.  Am I dying?  I will say that some times when I ask myself this question I actually have to stop and think about that question.  I will actually start at the top of my head.  "Is my head hurting?  NO.  Are my eyes seeing things clearly?   Yes.  Neck?  Arms?  Stomach?   Yes, I systematically work my way down my body (all while continuing to run, zumba, ride or whatever I'm doing).   I can pinpoint exactly where I'm aching and then I can correctly and efficiently make a decision.   I'm not going to lie, there have been times I have stopped, because of the pain but many many more times I have continued on because I have realized that 'it's just a stupid ache in my shin".

Drat, I could feel the hot spots only seconds before the blisters were just miraculously there.   I was a mile or so from where I parked my car.   I thought about my options.  Should I walk?  Should I run.  Yes, I better walk.  This was pain you know....pain demands one to stop running, right?    I stopped myself just in time and asked my question.  "Am I dying?"  I went right down the line and pinpointed exactly how I felt.  It was just those stupid dratted blisters.  Everything else felt wonderful.   I decided to keep running.   Ok, I'll admit that the decision was partly because I realized that the pain would end sooner if I ran back to my car versus walk.  I ran back, my blistered feet were on fire.  I felt utterly victorious.  Ohhh, and that last mile?  My fastest mile ever up to that point in my life. Turns out I wasn't dying!

I guess I'm maybe a bit more hard core than Jillian.  She gives permission to stop for Puking, fainting and dying.  My creed is only to stop if I'm dying.   

Am I dying?   Hasn't happened yet. 

Habits

I fell out of a LOT of good habits.....

It's no wonder that myfitnesspal actually keeps track of your streak of logging onto the site to track.  They know that if you continually do it and create a habit that there is a better chance of success.  Yes, tracking; as much as we don't want to admit it, leads to success.  I can't tell you how many blogs I've read where people have been wildly successful with weight loss.  They lose the weight and they stop tracking and that is wonderful....but each and every one of them when they start to slip up and gain a little weight go back to tracking.  It may be a grudging return to tracking, but return they do!     I've written more blog posts in the last almost ten years (yes...more on that later) about making tracking a habit then I care to remember.  It needs to be a habit...that's why I try to track the good and the bad.   I had started tracking back in August and was starting to see success....then I got sick....and things just happened.   No excuses....I messed up.  And while I've mostly maintained the few pound loss that I had achieved, I stopped tracking and I stopped losing.  Well that has changed.  I am tracking whole heartedly.  Tracking keeps me cognizant.   My first day of tracking I had a major victory.  I was running late and stopped for a breakfast sandwich on the way to work.  I ignored Burger King and instead stopped at a place where I could also pick up lunch to take with me.   I ignored the sub, and instead got a garden salad (which was really tasty)  which I had with the banana that I did grab from the house.  I ended up eating out for dinner.  THREE MEALS OUT!
It helped that I wasn't overly hungry at dinner.....But I managed to keep my calories right on budget even with eating out, but it also helped me to know that I didn't have many calories left in my budget.
Tracking...it's a habit.

Water consumption.  Some people may argue that this is 'not a habit'.  But honestly, water consumption is TOTALLY a habit.  Just like drinking a LOT of soda (diet or otherwise) is a habit.   At first a person has to push themselves to drink the amount of water that is recommended for us.  But one you get going it becomes second nature.   Once again, I've written so many blog posts about water that I'm floating.  

Water.....it's a habit.

Running......oh yes, this is a habit.  And for the sake of argument, lets just pretend and put the word 'exercise' in for the word running.   If you get up and everyday do it......it becomes a habit.  If you stop for whatever reason, holy cow it is hard hard hard to get motivated again to do it.   Set the schedule and start....and don't break it...no matter what (ok, maybe pneumonia and arthritis and whatever may be valid excuses!).  

Exercise/running....it's a habit.

Habits......such healthy habits.  Just a little bit of will power to start them, but SUCH awesome benefits for maintaining them!

So yes, I laid in bed this morning  It had been a few weeks since I ran.  Yes, weeks, much to my shame!  I had planned to run. Part of me wanted to run....but the other part of me wanted to stay in bed and just forget about it all.  "Why not start tomorrow"    You see, I was out of the habit and restarting the habit is very difficult...there is always that call to 'start tomorrow'.    The habit keeps up the consistency!

I DID get up and run.  I wasn't a grand long run.  I went for 2 miles.  I actually did really good for my two miles and actually went faster than any of my miles in the last few months.  So I'm good.  :-)  My knee twinged a bit (and yes, the arthritis has been diagnosed by tests and a doctor)....weirdly enough, my hip is what is sooo sore now.  Crazy!

Lunch/Dinner calories were a bit 'high'  but with the running earned calories I'm still under my budget....so I'm not going to worry.  :-)

Blogiversary........I realized just the other day that the beginning of January will be my 10 year blogiversary.   WOW!  January 5th to be exact.  I'm thinking that I may have to do something spectacular for my 10 year milestone.  Giveaway......start some group challenge.  SOMETHING.  I'll be thinking about this for sure!

Challenge on

I'm going to share a story today....it is the story of a friend of mine.  She lost weight before, back when I first lost my weight.   She did fantastically.  If you've read my blog for years, you might remember her, Julie.   I actually got to go out to visit her this summer.   She like me has struggled and has regained some weight.  She rejoined weight watchers and has been working diligently through the summer.  We talked quite a bit via email, text and in person when I was visiting (I am shamed to say we weren't exactly healthy in our eating choices when I visited).   She had a goal in mind.  She wanted to be a certain weight by the time she took her kids to Disney World in September.   She worked her butt off and did it!  She was under her goal by about 2-3 pounds.  Victory!   She came back and had actually held her weight loss....but then things started going south and she texted me yesterday to tell me that she is above that cut off weight.....yeah, it's one of those 'big' numbers that when you drop below you say "never again will I be above that weight!"     She texted me yesterday and we talked about it.  Immediately, I knew what the problem was.    Focus.  She had that Disney trip in her mind...she was single-mindedly focused on attaining her goal.   SHe did it...she went to Disney and had a great time and came back and floundered because her goal and her focus was gone.   We talked and I challenged her to a new goal.  A Christmas goal!   I vowed that I would weigh in and also set a Christmas goal.

Sooooo this morning I stepped on the scale, for the first time in about two weeks.  Luckily, I was still below that 5 pound vortex that had sucked me in a year ago and had only recently set me free.  But I know that it is just blind dumb luck that I didn't rise back into that weight range.  

So what is the plan????

I was 248.2 this morning.   I'm going ambitious.   Christmas is 10 weeks away.  25 pounds lost would put me at 223.2 pounds.  I'm rounding that to 225 pounds.

Here we go!!!!!!! 

A stark reminder

I haven't weighed in myself in over a week.  Yeah, I know...bad.  Very bad.  I haven't been 100% off the rails with my eating....but lets say I haven't been tracking.   I haven't exercised. (probably since the last day I weighed myself).  I have just been existing.  

I have tracked my food thus far today.  So the line is in the sand.  I have started.....AGAIN.

I have been wanting to restart and do this once and for all.  However, it wasn't until last night when I was flipping through my flickr account looking for a certain picture that I knew was on there.  I was scrolling and stumbled upon these pictures.  

Compared to my current pics?   

  That's enough to make a person cry....wail and gnash their teeth.   But I know I want to be back there again.  Desperately.  So that means that I have to get myself in line.  No ifs ands or buts.

Purty New Shoes

I haven't been running lately.  But I have been thinking a lot about it.   I actually sucked it up and spent the $130 for a new pair of running shoes.  I'm SOOO excited.  New running shoes are AWESOME!   My new kicks are pretty too!  :-)

So I got these shoes and even though I am having some issues that would seem to make me want to not run, I am DYING to get out there and run.   Yeah, it's kinda scary to me too!

So why haven't I run??? Searing pain.  That is the name of the game right now.   Not all the time.  It's mostly just when I walk down the steps.  The first few steps are ok...but about 4-5 steps in it's pain pain pain.    This is so not good.  And NO, I haven't called this half marathon an impossibility yet.  (Who am I kidding?)   I'm hoping to get out there and run this weekend.....even if it's just a few miles.  

My eating is just CRAZY.   I'm determined that today.  Today is the day to turn this ship around.

Meanwhile, I am at work.   I ate a Belvita Breakfast bar....(soft baked banana bread...190 calories) for breakfast.  It works for me on the days that I have to work early.   I'm not sure what lunch and dinner will entail (but I am hungry).   I am leaving work at noon and I plan on doing some geocaching on my way home....so who knows what my day will hold. At least I will see pretty things....hopefully!    The other day I saw tons of mushrooms!!!

The end of the road

Crazy day.....I was leaving for work and walking out of the house.  Luckily there is hardwood floors.  That is how I noticed that my left foot was making a weird noise.  It was clicking....the soft rubber soles of my shoes shouldn't be clicking.   I looked down and immediately started to laugh.....I was wearing two different shoes.  Similar at least....but different.   OOOPS

I didn't do exactly good with my eating yesterday.   GRRRRR   I had vowed to run today....but I ended up sleeping for 10 hours....and even when I woke up just going up and down the stairs is painful with my knees.   Meanwhile, I have the money I need a new pair of running shoes!

Last week I got some bad news.   One of my favorite customers where I work had had a stroke. He usually comes in and shoots the breeze with us on Saturday mornings. (He had been to see me the preceding Saturday.) He usually hangs out for a bit (unless the EMS squad is busy....he is the chief)   He is a great guy.  Over the last few months I have watched him and there have been more than one situation where I have flat out asked "Are you ok."   Life was stressing him out and it was obvious to everyone that knew him.  He remained upbeat and moved forward.   The news after the stroke was grim.   Very grim.  He had slipped into a coma and the damage was irreversible and furthermore there was nothing they could do to halt the degeneration of the damage.  We knew it was only a matter of time.   This morning the EMS Chief for this small town passed away.   He was 45 years old. 

I knew it was going to happen.  The reports were bad.   But it still hit really hard.  He was only 45 years old.  That is too young to die!     But as I thought about it, I knew that he had signs...he apparently had high blood pressure.  He was overweight.  He had stress.    But still...he was only 45 years old!  Yes, the signs were there, but at 45 do you take them seriously or are you still in the 'invincible' stage/age?

I am only 2 years and a few months behind him.  I am not invincible.   I have signs.   I am overweight.  I have high cholesterol.  My knees are riddled with arthritis.  My blood pressure has been known to spike (I'm still thinking it's the white coat syndrome......I just panic at the doctors office.....but who knows).   I have been lucky thus far that  my issues are 'quiet'.  But when are they going to rear their ugly heads and cause me a problem.   I'm not invincible.   It's time to start living my life in a manner that takes care of my health.  Which means that little 'oops' like my eating yesterday have got to stop!

OH MY!

Cakes and cookies and Pies, Oh My!   Ok ok ok, I haven't had pie...probably only because I'm not a big pan of pies.  Oh, who am I kidding, I haven't had pies because there haven't been any readily available.    

So those first few lines are rather telling.  I fessed up and said I hadn't had pie....which means that I did have cake and cookies.  Yup.  I can't lie.  And if you combine that with my most recent blog post....you know, the one where I said that I was going to get serious again (I believe I said right after I wipe the grease from my Burger King breakfast from my lips) about weight loss; well then you know that it didn't exactly happen.  Well, I did wipe the grease from my lips, I just didn't get back on track.  Oops

I knew the 'restart was looming'.  I knew it all weekend.  Yesterday I just ate with abandon, telling myself the whole time.  "This is the last hurrah'.    What a pitiful attitude.  It was so pitiful that I had cheese and crackers for lunch (a lot of cheese...and a fair amount of crackers), some bread and butter and jelly, some oreos, and why yes, some apple cake (which was delicious by the way).   For dinner I did Subway...I got full fatted chips Doritos actually, I was thinking the whole time, "it's my last chance before I straighten up my act, better enjoy it!"  I actually ordered the cookies to round out my meal.   Later in the evening I went ahead and had some ice cream.  Yup, I did it up good.

But I had vowed that Monday was the day.  So I got on the scales, with fear and trepidation. But I needed to know my 'starting' figure.   What's the use of trying if I don't have a benchmark to show how far I've come.  So I did it!   It wasn't as bad as I thought.  I am NOT back into that 5 pound vortex that I was stuck in for a while.  I am not even on the edge of that vortex...so I am happy.  :-)  

Seriously contemplating rejoining weight watchers.  They are offering the 'lose 10 pounds in 2 months' and get your money back" deal.  Tempting.  Haven't decided yet!

Here is to plowing through this excess weight once and for all!

Hijacked!

It is not secret that I have been struggling with this decision about the half marathon.  It’s killing me.  I don’t want to quit, but I struggle with going on.  Admittedly, I have now this week not run once since my long run last Saturday.  Yup…I’ve skipped two 5 mile runs and one 3 mile run.  I feel a bit guilty about it for sure,   I’ve had my reasons…even if they are just trumped up excuses that my mind has made up.

 

The decision isn’t made.  I’m still waffling.

 

 

But here is a thought that I had this morning. Yeah, I had this thought while I was driving to Burger King to pick up breakfast on my way to work….don’t be a hater!   I was thinking about this stupid marathon and its importance in my life of late.  That is when I realized that this training and this half marathon and this running thing has hijacked my efforts to lose weight.  Yeah, I’m still wanting to lose weight.  And most certainly, running a gazillion miles each week can cause weight loss. However, it has actually been harder than I thought because running a gazillion (to me at least) miles each week means that I’m just really hungry!  Running became my focus.   Running hijacked my blog.  

 

I’m not entirely sure that the blog being hijacked by running is a bad thing.  Afterall, being healthy and weight loss and all that jazz goes hand in hand with running.  But my focus definitely slipped away from weight loss sometime in the last few months. 

 

Luckily, over the last month or two, I HAVE pretty consistently tracked my food intake.  I track,even though may days I am not within my caloric budget range.   Furthermore, my water consumption has been spotty at best though.  

 

So here is where I’m at.  The half marathon hasn’t been scrubbed yet.  Time will tell.  There is no reason to make a decision at this point. Everything is line up to do it and if I chose to not do it nothing will change other than that Saturday morning in Philly I will be doing something else versus running.  (Crying maybe ha ha ha).  I can keep running but my focus will be returning to weight loss and the WHOLE picture and not just one aspect of what I’m doing.      

 

And as soon as I wipe the grease from my breakfast hash rounds off my lips, I’ll be working on keeping my calories in check!

Yeah they were tasty too!!!

Rain rain go away

Rain?  Fear?? Body sending me a message?

Let me back track and start at the beginning.   I ran over the weekend. I Advil'd myself up and I managed to make it through the rest of the weekend with only minor aches.   What was concerning was my knees.  Yeah, the arthritic ridden knees.   I didn't let it stop me.  On Monday night I went to zumba....and my legs ached.  You ask how my knees did?  OUCH.     I ate dinner later on Monday night and almost immediately I felt 'odd'.   Not really sick, but just not right.    I still felt off kilter on Tuesday morning.  Enough that I didn't run my 5 miles.  Like I said, I wasn't really sick, just not normal.   I was able to eat ok...and other than a few minutes of queasiness I was fine...just off kilter.  I was ok with my decision to not run.  

As I navigated through the day I could feel that ache in my knees that comes from the arthritis.  Grrr...What is with this.   It wasn't constant, just sporadic pain.   

This morning I woke up early enough to run.  I checked the weather and there was a window of opportunity for me to run. (It is scheduled only a light run, but I do have to make up that 5 miler from yesterday) I was achy as all get out.   I got out of bed and trucked up the stairs.   It wasn't until I was coming down the stairs that I totally got scared.  My knees hurt BAD and not only did it hurt, it actually wobbled and I had to grab the hand rail because I thought I was going down.   

!(*&(*^(*&#(*&(*&@(#*^%   (that is my choice words for the betrayal of my knees)   Is it the long run that threw my knees into a fit of despair?   Is it my fears that circulate through my mind that are making every little ache and pain seem much worse? (our minds are totally capable of playing those kinds of tricks).   Or is this just a sign.  

Either way.....No running for me today.  

I'm still not calling this half marathon a no go.   I don't want to quit.  I want to persevere and do this.   The weather is NOT going to be cooperating with me.  Rain is forecasted for the next umpteen days.  I don't have access to a treadmill....and running in the rain....well. I guess it could be fun.  (I'm very skeptical.  Being out and soaked in clothes and running for an hour just sounds miserable!)

Meanwhile....I'll admit it.........

Today was just that kind of day for me...and I couldn't resist the chocolate and peanut butter.  And yes, I know.....eating and indulging in this yummy goodness will just make me cringe because of the calories and only brings the cycle back around full circle, making me more emotional because I have goals and plans that are hindered by the weight....which is hindered by the indulgence....which is hindered by the emotions....which brings on.... yeah yeah yeah.

Really? I had cake!!!!

Ok, I could get used to this.  Really get used to it!   

What in the world am I talking about????   

I've tracked my food for a while now (maybe a month or two at this point...although just one day last week I just didn't have time so I didn't get my food input until the next morning...I still tracked.   The bad part?   I haven't exactly been on target with my calorie counts.   Oops.    

But this morning I stepped onto the scale and low and behold my weigh was done....just about three pounds!    I thought my eyes were deceiving me.  It was after all pretty early in the morning!  But nope...3 pounds (2.5 but seriously. If your rounding....).   I guess running just shy of 20 miles really made the difference. (18.62 miles of running plus some walking on top of that)

Secondly, I received a compliment yesterday...someone saw me and commented on the weight I've lost.  I just laughed and said 'not much weight, but thanks".  That person then went on to say 'Maryfran your being dumb...your looking much more toned and if your not losing its because your exchanging fat for muscle'.    Interesting thought...because I don't know that I see it.  (But I do well remember when I first started running religiously back in 2013 that I liked the way my body changed through running)

Hmmm...maybe I'll have to think more about this running stuff.  Maybe I won't give up on this half marathon yet. 

That said...arthritis blows chunks!  My knees ache!!!!  

Gut instincts

Last week on my long run I lamented the fact that at numerous points in my run I reached a 'bailout' point where I could turn away from my run and be home within a half mile.  I talked about the willpower needed to actually ignore the bail outs and continue on with my run. I vowed that I would do my long runs on the canal.....run and out and back run.  

I planned it out.  I was good to roll. (er.....run).  I would run on the canal and I would be running anywhere between seven and eight miles.   Seven miles was the bare minimum, but I'm an over achiever and I have pushed most of my runs about a half mile to one full mile more in mileage.   I knew where I was going to run and by Thursday I knew when I was planning on running.  It was a done deal.

Or was it?  I started to panic.  Was I panicking about the length of the run? My longest run to date has been 6 miles (A hair over 6 miles if I want to be exact) so that could be it.  Was I just lamenting the time spent, as I had tentative plans for the weekend and this long stretch of time would have to be squeezed in between work and fun?  Whatever it was....I was dreading this run like nothing else.  I wanted to call it quits.  I wanted to just put a halt to this insane torture that I am calling my  half marathon training.  I may have even prayed that something would come up to prevent me from being forced to complete this run.   

I don't want to be a quitter...

The self doubt was real.  The negative talk was real.   And on Friday as I drove home from work, I knew that my planned run was doomed.  Absolutely doomed!   Negative self talk is one of the most debilitating things to happen to progress and productivity and success.  I didn't know what do to.  I floundered in my thoughts....I tried to bolster myself by saying, "you can do this....piece of cake, it's only 1-2 miles more."  But I was in near tears.   I didn't let it deter me.  Last night (Friday night) I actually packed my bag with my running gear.  I was determined to run on the canal as soon as I got off of work.  I double checked my mileage of what landmarks I would be running to and from (yes there are mile markers but I wanted to know...to have an idea)  No ifs ands or buts, I was moving full steam ahead.   I laid in bed and tossed and turned.   And then I had the almost near brilliant idea.  "Why not just run where I have been running lately....I can cobble an extra mile or two onto the roads and alleys that I routinely run."   Almost instantly, I was filled with a sense of peace and the fears went away.  I'm still wondering how my run will go. I'm still wondering if I'll be able to complete it.  And I still dreaded running immediately following work. (Although the forecast for Sunday had changed, so I could swap out my run day, with little to no threat of rain.)  But I'm was no longer panicked!

I don't know what the deal was but I am trusting my gut instincts and every fiber of my being was obviously saying don't run on the canal.  (I have run on the canal by myself for the last few years...I normally love it!)

Coming home from work and turning right back around and heading out for a long run is the pits.   The little voice in my head (my mini me) kept telling me to push it off until Sunday morning.  My mother said I even looked like I was about to cry.   I was that despondent and down about heading out for this run.

The first mile felt horrid!   I stopped and walked a few times.  (Looking back at the stars mile one was my fastest miles followed by mile 3 and mile 6).   Right about the mile and a half mark I had a little talk with myself.  I said 'maryfran, you are being absolutely stupid!'  (Yes I said that!). I went in and had a pep talk to myself about the fact that I can easily run a few miles.   So I should've be struggling yet!!!   I pep talked myself a bit more but it wasn't until I said this to myself that it sunk in.   'Maryfran, trust the training plan'. You are scheduled for a minimum of 7 miles.  You've done the work to get to that point.   Trust the training plan." (I'm using a Hal Higdon plan).     

I made deals with myself 'run the long roads and walk the cross over roads'.  I'm not going to say it was easy.  I'm not going to say I enjoyed it.   I'm not even going to say that I feel good now that it's done...because I don't!   I HURT!  (I took some advil.).  But I did it!!!!    

Still undecided about my future with this half marathon dealio.  But I squeezed out  my 7 miles so I guess I'm still in the game.  (I just hope that game doesn't have me walking too much the rest of the day!!!)

Following the leader

On Tuesday when I got back to the house after my run, my mom made a comment about how long I was gone.  I had run 4.72 miles.  I laughed and told her I was gone just about the time that I had expected to be gone.  She responded, 'I guess this was one of your long runs.'   I laughed....4.72 miles is considered my average weekly run now (according to the master schedule...right now I'm scheduled 4.5 miles it will go to 5 miles in two weeks) and that is considered a short run.  My weekend runs are the long ones.  I giggled and moved on.

Today, Thursday I was out there pounding the pavement again. (Ok, I was out there on Wednesday too walking a LOT....cross train light workout day).  My Thursday runs are typically much more difficult for me.   I think it's because it is the tail end of a 4 day stretch of exercise and my body is just READY for a day or rest.   I don't know but Thursdays kill me.  Most of the run this morning was done with some words pounding in my head. Seems like this happens a lot.   Today was pretty much one phrase over and over.  "What the freak are you doing, thinking you can run a half marathon.  This is insane!"  I heard the voices but pushed through them and completed 4.91 miles.  (slow laborious miles)

So even though I pushed through it I am wondering, "What in the hell am I doing???"

There are and always have been concerns about doing a longer distance run.  The biggest?  My knees.  I have arthritis....can my knees withstand the long hours of 'abuse'.   My feet are not much better.   So far my feet and knees  have held up to an hour or running....kinda.  (they hurt).  But will they manage two hours.....or three hours?  How much can they take? 

Today however, I'm poindering my decision.   Is this half marathon even what I want?   What's happening?  Do I even want this.

Two possibilities pop into my mind.

The first possibility is that I was in a way railroaded into doing a half marathon.  My running partner was gung ho to do the half marathon.  I fell into line with that thought process.  But was it because I had always wanted this.....or was it because like most things in my life for the last few years, I wasn't thinking for myself and allowed others to make the decisions and assumptions and whatever and I just went along simply because it was easier to agree than to actually think and make my own decisions.    And yes, I allowed friendships (and my marriage)  to operate that way, I'm sad to say.  I was desperate for friendship.  I started disallowing that behavior a few years ago...and slowly but surely started standing up for myself and trusting my thoughts.  And here I am....wondering if a half marathon REALLY is my goal or if it is just a remainder of a 'follow the leader' idea that I latched onto in my darker days.

The second possibility is that I really do want this.  I really do want to push my body further than it has ever been pushed.  I want to revel in the finishers medal around my neck.  I want to feel the ache in my body and know I accomplished something that so many people can't even fathom.      If this is the case, my questions about my sanity could just be a cry of fear.   Fear that I continue on and fail.  Fear of doing this all alone. Because yes, I am training by my lonesome.   I will be running my race by my lonesome.  This is all me.  

I'm honestly not sure right now which option is the true one about why I am doing this half marathon.  My mind is reeling with the possibilities.  All I will say about it right now?   Until I know why I am pushing myself, I will continue to train.  This weekend I will be attempting one of my longest runs ever.....7-8 miles.  I'm scheduled for 7....I would like to push for 8.    If I can make it 8 miles, I will know that I can run two-thirds of a half marathon.  At my current (slow) pace I will be out there for a while slogging through my miles.   But I will do it...until my body flat out tells me I can't do it....or until I know for sure that this idea is NOT one that I ever really wanted.  I will continue to obsess and dream about different routes and roads that I can link up to make the mileage that I need yet be somewhat interesting (same roads running the opposite way sometimes shakes things up...different roads are a huge treat).  I will continue to stare at my training schedule that hangs on my wall at work.  I will push on until I can figure out what's happening in my mind and then make my decisions.  

Charge me

I woke up this morning.  I was scheduled to run 4.5 miles today.   I listened carefully......nope, I didn't think it was raining.  And then I realized that I had a problem.  I hadn't charged my headphones in a while.   I counted in my head how many runs I have done since the last charge.....6 miles , 2.5 miles, 4 miles, 2.5 miles, 2.5 miles, 6 miles......Yikes....I KNOW that I have used my headphones without a recharge for at least the last 5 runs.  The charge lasts for 6 hours.  hmmmm....it was gonna be close.   I briefly thought about using wired headphones but then decided to just go out and run.  I need to learn to run without headphones....what happens if for some reason they malfunction during a race?   I don't want to fall apart because the music is not pounding in my head in direct correlation to my feet pounding on the pavement.   So I went out with my awesome headphones that were woefully unprepared for a 4.5 mile run.   Right around mile two the voice interrupted my music.  "Charge me".   I knew I had roughly 2 more songs.  I heard her calm soothing voice requesting 'charge me' once or twice more and then all as silent.   I ran on.  It wasn't bad either.  My pace wasn't altered and I wasn't miserable.   I completed my run  4.72 miles.   And yes, the headphones are currently charging even as I type.

So I'm running in my peaceful solitude and those worse kept resonating in my head.  Charge me, Charge me, Charge me.

As I have been on this weight loss journey  one of the things that I have learned is that I need to take care of my body.  I need to charge my body so that it functions properly!  How do I do that?    I came up with two main ways that I need to charge my body.

1.   Sleep.   Every night when I lay on that bed, I am 'plugging myself in' and I am recharging.   Sleep is vitally important.   Our ability to function diminishes with lack of sleep....and it is proven that weight loss efforts are affected when we fail to properly charge ourselves with a good night sleep.

2.   Food.   Food recharges us. But we need to be putting good food into our systems.   How in the world can we expect our bodies to function to the best of their abilities when we are feeding them crap!   Healthy foods.  Foods rich in vitamins and minerals are essential to being properly charged.    This is particularly sad for me for sure.  I'm a food addict and lets be honest.  I don't get that 'high' from eating a carrot.....or a piece of lettuce.....or a grape.  I eat them, because they are good for me.  They are charging my system, and I know that the piece of cake just isn't charging my system to the fullest.  Sad but true.

Over and over my body has 'told me' that I'm eating too much junk or sometimes just too much food! How many times over the years have I come on here and written about being sick from overeating?   Too many to count and I'm not even going to go find links to any of those instances......believe me, it's not something we want to relive!   I wasn't properly charging myself.   

Taking care of myself means that I have to 'charge me' properly!    The cakes, pies and pastries?   The pastas and breads?   Yeah, I'll still have them.  Moderation is the key.  I'm not looking to live like a monk that has vowed to only eat grass and water or anything drastic like that.  I plan on living my life.  However I need to be cognizant of how efficiently I am 'charging' my body.  

Same old Same old.....NO MORE!

While I was out running today (more on that later) I couldn't get something out of my mind.....it was the 'definition of insanity'.  I had seen this picture (or one similar) on facebook a while  back, but today it popped into my mind and stuck!  :-)

How often do we do this?   I should be embarrassed to admit it, but lots.  I did it when I was married.  Same arguments and same promises but no new results. (I always hoped though...and true in that case, I wasn't in control as a marriage is two people.)   I have dreams and ideas but I don't change my behaviors and thus I should NOT expect different results.    I've seen friends do it......the say they want change but they don't change their habits.  I've done it in my weight loss efforts and I've done it in my quest to run.

How many times in the course of this blog have I said "Ohh, I want to lose weight SOOOOOOOOOOO  bad?"   TONS!   But then I go and do the exact same thing I did the previous day.....the day that I may have gained.  It's total insanity!    

Its time to change my life, my eating, my whatever!  I've started the process....now to just complete it!

My run this morning......6 miles.  :-)     I won't say it was easy.  I won't say it was difficult....it just was.  

Started out and the first half mile pert near killed me!   My breathing was utterly out of whack and I felt like I was just fighting to get a breath of air.  It was very reminiscent of when I first started running and I had problems regulating my breathing.  I pushed on.....but at about the 3/4 mile mark I realized that I needed to walk for a minute or so to correct this issue.  I walked about a minute and I was off and running again and everything was fine.  I ended up stopping to walk roughly at every mile mark.  Sometimes I didn't need it, but usually by the time I had run a mile my chest was feeling tight and the short walk really helped me grab a full lung of air.

Today I chose to run locally for my 6 miles.  Hmmm....I think for my 'longer runs' on the weekend I am going to try to head to the canal or the rail trail to do them....out and back runs.  I had a map drawn up in my head of where I was running and figured I would end up at my house with almost exactly 6 miles.  

It's a great route.  I had no problem with it.  EXCEPT for the fact that if you notice, on the bottom left....every time I got to that end of the road I KNEW that I was less than a half mile from home.   Notice how many times my path took me up to that point.  That is what I call my 'bailout' points.  It took will power today to not bail out the first time I came back to that area....two miles in.   It took even more will power to not bail out the second time I came up to that point at 4 miles into my run.    But I persevered and pushed through.

The last mile was TOUGH!   I admittedly walked a bit more during that last mile!   I somehow picked up some blisters on my feet and my right arm has rash/hot spot from some kind of rubbing on my shirt, and that affected how I was running.  Furthermore, my mind started to tell me that I was going to get home and NOT have my six miles.  I was becoming increasingly more sure with each passing mile that I was going to be short a tenth or two of a mile.   It made me groan, but I decided that if that happened I would keep running.  There was NO WAY that I was stopping it said 6 miles!  NO WAY!  I would run around the block if I had to.   Two blocks if necessary....but it WOULD say 6.something when I walked into the house!

I got to the front of my house and checked the mileage.  5.97   Really???    I ran down the sidewalk past a house or two and voila....the magic number appeared!  I was DONE.

 
Hot and tired I headed inside.  I rested a bit and then went out and mowed all the properties for an hour more of physical activity.  

What's next?

Life lessons

Thursday morning I woke up late.  I laid in bed for my normal morning 'treat'.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I lay in bed for a few minutes check any new texts and emails I've received and then I play whatever game I am currently playing.  Right now that game is Bubble Witch 2.  Now don't be a hater, we all need a little mindless games now and then.   I then get out of bed ready to face the day.  This routine is important on run days because well.......my body works like clockwork and I don't want to be out running when the clock chimes! 

I had been really good on my Tuesday run and had set my alarm for 6AM so that I could have the time to 'prepare' for and have the time to run.   I typically wake up about that time anyway so on Wednesday night I decided to forego the alarm clock.  Of course, of all days I slept late.  As in I woke up at 6:45.   I really needed to be out running by 7AM.  I could push it a bit and start at 7:15 but that would cut into my breakfast, shower, pack my work lunch and in general get ready for work time.   I could push it to 7:30 but then I would be cutting into the few minutes of leeway I have in case I hit more red lights or get behind a bus or random farm equipment on my way to work.  I got myself through my morning routine.....I was dressed and almost ready to go.  I was going to be out by 7:15.  I HAD this!   4 miles?   Easy Peasy!      Mom started talking.....and I started eating up my precious minutes. Then Mertz my kitty cat got out and she didn't want to be caught.  And before I knew it it was 7:35.  Dangit!    Now I was in a REAL time crunch.

I headed out and my mind warred with myself the whole time.  The bail out point was at 2 miles.  I could turn left and be home in three tenths of a mile or I could turn right and complete another two miles.  The whole time I was going back and forth in my  mind  "Run the two or run the four"   Let me tell you, the mind is a vicious thing.  The run was NOT a good one and I know it was that stupid little voice in my head that had latched onto the concept that I barely had enough time (if I even did) and decided to play on that.   At the 2 mile point I checked the time.....yeah, I was way tight on time, just like I expected.  So I have to admit that I succumbed to the voice in my head and I turned left to go home.   I was still hot and sweaty, so I got a good workout!

Strangely enough I am A-OK with that decision.   I have been pretty regimented with my training plan.  Seriously, I have my plan posted on my wall at work and I delight in marking off the miles...and love when I actually complete a little bit more.   I am saddened by the frown faces and the empty days that this sickness forced me to put onto the schedule. 

 But I have learned something about myself and I am growing as a runner and as a person.

What did I learn?????

I have worried and obsessed about my ability to complete this half marathon since I was felled with pneumonia midway through the training.  Finally I had to say "whatever happens will happen".   (If I don't run the half marathon, I will still be going....I can't wait to see my friend Donna and I have some site-seeing I need to do in Philadelphia!!!!)  I also began to pray that if I am NOT meant to run this half marathon that I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt.    I'm at peace.   Oh yeah, I'm still constantly looking at my schedule and counting and calculating and wondering how the two weeks of rest will affect things.  But life threw a curve ball at me with my run on Thursday and I was ok with it.  It may have been because I needed the break and rest while I continue to try to get rid of this cough and tightness in my chest.  Maybe it was a step toward a decision to not run this half marathon.  Maybe it was nothing.  But I'm ok with it. 

I've also spent some time thinking about myself.   For so long I've wanted to lose weight.  I have a problem with food.  Basically, I like it.....A LOT!  I started thinking the other day about myself.  My first inclination was to throw my hands up in the air and say "no more watching, I'm just going to eat what I want and live happy as a fat woman".   But that's not what I want.  I want to be thin.  I want to be happy.     There has to be a happy medium.  So I'm not throwing up my hands.  However, I am going to accept myself at this weight while I am here.  That included going out last night and buying a few articles of clothing for myself.  I have been limping along with a limited wardrobe.   Next up might be a hair cut.  It's time to take care of ME and show ME that I like myself!  

In the meantime......I have to get to the store to buy some more peanut butter........this is a travesty to be this low! (And utterly scary!)

Emotional Return

I am a carboholic so that is soooo true for me!!!!

I was determined to start running again this past weekend......but then I woke up with a HORRIBLE headache on Sunday.   It was horrible.  Every cough made me groan.   I quickly decided that there would be no run!  Not what I wanted but I was more than ready to concede that an extra day would NOT hurt my recovery form this sickness that had felled me!

Monday is not a run day.  Monday is Zumba.  Zumba is also known as my social hour  and I have missed a few weeks because of sickness and a holiday.   However, I woke up with....a headache!   I medicated myself and took my clothes, determined to try it!   I waffled back and forth all day...but then decided to go for it.  I honestly wasn't sure if my body would handle the hour class.  My body did fine....I coughed quite a bit and right at the end I noticed that it just didn't seem as if I was getting a full lungful of air. But I concentrated on breathing...inhale and exhale...inhale and exhale.  And I made it.  Even better than making it to the end?   I didn't feel like I was dying..I wasn't lightheaded like I was after those two short trial runs I had a week earlier.    I was encouraged and decided it was time!

Tuesday morning I set my alarm and I headed out for my run.   I was determined to run.   My bare minimum was to run the 2.5 miles that I did on those trial runs.  In the back of my mind though?   I wanted to complete the run that was actually on the schedule.  A 4 mile run.   I started out and at the 2 mile bail out point I decided to go for broke. 4 miles done.  Not fast...and admittedly at around mile 3 I stopped and walked for about 3 -5 minutes.  Why?  From about the one mile point onward I had been feeling that sensation of not being able to get a full lung of air.  The short walk worked well.   

In case you didn't catch that...I ran and didn't stop until the beginning of the third mile.  Oh yes, I did.  My body ran flawlessly (well, other than that respiratory issue...which isn't surprising considering I'm still coughing and trying to recover from that pneumonia).  

Next up another 4 mile run on Thursday.....and I'll attempt the scheduled  7 miles this weekend.

What I noticed upon my triumphant return to exercise?   My body GREAT getting back to exercise.   I always say I am not an exercise fiend.....but it was a feeling like 'coming home' to et back to using my legs and working.  Kinda threw me for a loop when I realized that!  

Meanwhile today I have just wanted to EAT EAT EAT!  For some reason I'm feeling emotional and kinda lost and I'm not proud to admit it, but I have eaten more than I should have.  GRRRRRR