Feeding frenzy

A few days of vacation and my eating has been out of control.    Desserts have bite my butt almost every day.  Oh who am I kidding....every day.  I've eaten fuller meals than normal too.  My typical mode of operation is to eat one to two of my means as lighter meals...meaning more fruits and veggies.   I've been lucky to get one fruit or vegetable in daily!  Chocolate...comes from cocoa beans....so my chocolate milkshake after the  is a vegetable right??  And that peanut butter in the chocolate chip peanut butter bars I made is nuts...that's healthy isn't it???   And hey!  I DID use low fat cream cheese on my Panera Bread bagel (cinnamon crunch) the other morning!!!  That's gotta count for something!!!!  Diet Pepsi is a good substitute for water...so Pepsi says...so I'm ok right??

So yeah, it's not been pretty.

I've avoided putting my weight on here.  But it's time to be real.  It's time to be open.  It's time to get back to business.

220.5

Mindset

I noticed a weird thing when I was running regularly this spring.  My runs were marked by a mental battle.  There was a voice in my head that was constantly screaming at me to stop running.  I would falter in my running constantly as I listened to the voices.  Finally I took on the mantra of “MaryFran, you are not dying, keep running”   This carried over into biking and zumba and virtually everything.  I had to push myself past that little wall.  The weird thing?   Once I pushed past the wall the voice started to fade a bit.  Oh it screamed on occasion.  It told me when I was going too fast or too long but quitting ceased to be something it told me to do.  It took a bit, but I trained that voice to recognize that quitting was NOT an option so it may as well save it’s breath.

I took my medically imposed break from running and have started to get back to my religiously scheduled runs.  Some of the bad habits returned.  My last two runs from last week (Wednesday and Saturday) were marked by this screaming voice in my head.  My steps faltered a few times before I said “Buck up MaryFran and continue running”.  As I neared the end, the voice constantly bellowed in my ear that “no one will know if you walk the rest of the way”.  It was a pure mental battle.  This morning, there were some physical aches and pains but that voice that was telling me to stop was blissfully silent.  It realized that I was running and that it was not going to win!

Brrrr this morning was COLD!  

Why yes, that was a frosty ice on my windshield!

But the morning was pretty!

And yes, I got my run in!!!!!!  No pauses for walking.   I just need to remember when it’s cold that gloves are a MUST!  My average pace is holding right at an average of  about 13 minutes per mile. (seems to be holding steady with an average between 12:50 and 13:20 each run)   That time will decrease.  I have my goals.  (shhhh don’t tell anyone but my goals are to run a mile in less than 10 minutes….and yeah, I’m still seriously contemplating a half marathon!  Plus I have a century bike ride to get under my belt!!!!!!   Lots of goals!!!)

My food is planned out for today and I’m determined to keep it in check and stay on track!  I can do this.  I KNOW what to do.  I know how to do it.  And conversely, I know that doing it is NOT a hardship, it’s just different.  

A long way indeed

This morning I had a grand epiphany.  When the news article was in the paper I had made a comment that "with everyone watching, I would be super motivated becasue I didn't want everyone to see me fail".   But I think it's had the opposite affect.  Everyone has read about my worst so why bother???  Or another way to put it would be to just 'get it over with....fail at this losing weight thing and accept the embarrassment'.  Isn't that horrible???   But it's the truth.   And that kind of thinking is sabataging my weight loss efforts. 

Today Todd and I spent some time going through some stuff in storage.  I found two bins of clothes that I had carefully stored.  I pulled out the first pair of jeans and Todd, who was looking over my shoulder made a comment. "What elephant wore those?"   HE was thinking that they were an old pair of his jeans and was trying to be amusing.  I looked at the tag inside and had to honestly answer, "ME".  Yes, they were my pants.   I dug further into the box and I was pleasantly surprised.  The clothes had been all carefully stored away as I gained weight. Ironically enough, I found clothes that I can currently wear...how cool is that?   There were way outdated clothes (can we say "hello 80's") and there were clothes that had to be thrown away and or donated.  There were clothes that I wouldn't wear again just because my styles have changed.    Basically this box was a bin of clothes I outgrew or couldn't bear to get rid of.  Below is a picture of me holding a pink shirt that I absolutely loved.  (Todd commented, "you used to wear that all the time.)   I could almost fit two of me in that shirt!!!

  

All in all the bins were a good find.  I got some 'new/old' clothes to wear.  (and yes, some favorites have made their way into my washing machine) but more importantly, I had a reminder of exactly how far I've come.  Yes, I've still got a ways to go, but I've come a LONG LONG WAY!!!!

We are what we eat

Tonight I was at home and I was making a 'healthy' cake. So many people talk about this cake.  It's the talk of weight watchers meetings.   An Angel food box cake mix and a can of cherry pie filling.  Mix those two ingredients together and then bake according to the instructions on the box.  As simple as that and works like a charm.  Or the famed diet soda cake.  A cake mix and a can of diet soda mixed together.....voila.   Healthy cake.   Ok, I felt bad even typing that.....a healthier version calorie wise at least.......yes, that's better!

100 calorie packs?  Snackwells?  Light versions of this?   High Fiber?  Low sodium?   Low fat?   1/2 the calories?   Healthy foods....right?????????

I am going to preface the rest of this post by saying that I DO buy some of the aforementioned products.   100 calorie packs are great for portion control for those weeks where I just can't do it on my own.  I find that some low fat or light products are just as good as the regular and therefore yes, I will use them.  I'm not immune to the 'healthy food' craze.....and I'm sure that I will still continue to buy them and use them and create them in the future.

Are we really being healthy with all these alternative products?    What are these products really teaching us?   TO have our cake and eat it too?  Are they helping us to avoid the truth about our society and the way we eat?  I think so.   You see, those are not healthy foods.  They are foods that are altered to allow us to eat them with less guilt.  They are foods that are adjusted so that we can still eat them and still lose weight.

However, healthy foods are the fruits....grapes, bananas, kiwi, apples, etc.   Vegetables...peas, green beans, beets, etc.   They are the healthy whole grains and dairy.  They are the natural foods that lack the mad processing.   We are what we eat...I want to be healthy...so I will eat TRULY healthy foods as my main source of food.

Just do it!

I've been doing fairly well with my exercise.  Last week one day (Wednesday) I went running and had an abysmal run.  I'll admit I was freaking out a bit in my mind, wondering if my lackadaisical   approach to running had set me back to the beginning of my training.  Yes, I was worried because that wouldn't   be good....not the end of the world but not good.  On Saturday I went out running. Or rather I tried to go out running.   It started to downright pour rain when I was heading out.  The MaryFran of late would have thrown in the towel and skipped the run.  Not on Saturday!  I hit the gym!   I ran for 65 minutes on the treadmill.  Ok ok ok, I would run 10 and then walk 2.5 minutes...then run another ten minutes.  I also did some ab work (ouch...I can still feel it!)

So Monday rolled around.  It was a bank holiday so I was off work and I had plans to go to Lancaster. Pa with my parents and my brother and his family.  I actually woke up super early to get what I had to so done....and allow myself time to go out running.  Yes, I ran!   And I did fantastic.  I ran at a comfortable pace and my pace was one of my fastest runs since this foot problem started.  Amazing how just a little consistency results in improvement.

So yeah, let's talk about Lancaster county, Pa....land of smorgasbords (buffets) and delicious desserts.  Ok, let's not!   No seriously.  I didn't do too badly. I did have a piece of shoe fly pie (my favorite and utterly delicious pie....I don't make it, I could but I don't...it is a treat I give myself when we go to Lancaster....which is usually at the most 4 times a year...give or take). I did eat off one smorgasbord.   I ate a plate of food (heavy on veggies as I don't much like meat...although shockingly i did eat a bit of ham...first time in years) a salad...and that piece of shoe fly pie.  For dinner we stopped on the way home at a Chili's.   I had a buffalo chicken salad (the chicken was breaded and fried....I won't pretend that the chicken was prepared in a health obvious manner) and at dinner I munched on some tortilla chips.   So not exactly healthy.  But the true victory is that I never ate yesterday to the point of feeling sick. I was full but never so stuffed I was sick!

Backing up to my Monday morning run...some of my deepest thoughts hit me while I am running.  I was thinking about my friend Paula (hi Paula!!). Who hooked up with me for my abysmal run and also the gym run.  I told her about those still very tentative thoughts that I have on running a half marathon (we won't even mention the full...although that thought is there too...just a lot quieter at this time).  Paula immediately looked at me and said 'I'm in!'  She also found a picture of the teeshirt that I want to get when I complete it and actually earn it!

During this talk we had mentioned one friend that is always saying she is joining us, but to the best of our knowledge has yet to run 5 feet.  There are always excuses.  So on Monday morning this conversation was floating in my head as a remembrance and one phrase kept coming to my mind.  'Just do it'.  Stop talking about it.   Stop planning to do it.  Stop making promises that you are not going to keep.  Just do it!!   I understood the words behind the phrase for all these years, but I didn't really grasp the depth of that phrase and what it means to, well...life.  Just do it!  I was a naysayer for years who always talked about doing it.  I was a planner for years 'tomorrow I'm going to start running' or 'as soon as I get myself some running shoes...or a workout outfit or whatever'. I'll be out there.  Excuses!!!   Just do it!  Stop talking about how much you want to do it...stop talking about your plans describing how you are going to or how much you want it. Just do it!!!!    Exercise, fitness and weight loss is divided into two groups of people.  People that live that phrase....or people that live in fear of that phrase.    I want to and have once again started to live that phrase.  Just do it!!!

Inspiration comes on all forms

Last night Todd and I watched a movie.  It was on TV and Todd was into it and very shortly I was enthralled.   Can I say inspirational?     What movie did I watch?   Men of Honor, based upon a true life story.   The story is about Carl Brashear, a young black man who joined the Navy shortly after they desegregated it.  He had his dreams and he pursued them under incredible odds and incredibly resistance.  He was extremely successful in reaching and actually exceeding his goals. (Watch the movie…or at the very least go and read about Carl Brashear online.)

This man knew what he had to do to reach his goals.  He stood up against terrible prejudice (he was black in a time when there was little or no equality for black people).  He stood up against terrible odds (lacking the formal education that would make the book learning at dive school easier).  He overcame incredible injuries and still succeeded.   His navy career was marked with many ‘firsts’. 

Our goals and desires are attainable.  Carl Brashear proves it.  It may not be easy.  It may not be a quick trip to reach those goals.  However, persistence and a deep rooted desire will make any dream attainable!

This morning, with the thoughts of this movie in my mind I woke up.  I was going for a run.  Seriously, what was a little rain going to hurt me?  Rain didn’t hurt me….but it hurt me to see it all over the floor inside my front door.  An hour later and gutters cleaned (thereby stopping the overflow of water down the front wall…and through the frame and into my house…or however it’s happening) and I discovered that a cat had ‘missed’ the liter box.  Another hour later and the laundry room had been emptied, liter boxes scrubbed, floor and wall disinfected, liter boxes refilled with fresh liter and returned to place.   It was 9:26 when I got into the shower……I have to be at work by 10……so you know my run didn’t happen this morning.   I have this evening though…I can and WILL exercise this evening!

I'm All In

All or nothing.  I do tend to sink into that category.   I tend to be an all or nothing type of girl.  I find something I like or want to do and I immerse myself in it.   It is in every aspect of my life.  I find an author I like and I read everything by that author.  I find a craft project I like and I focus all of my attention on that craft.  For all of these things eventually something else comes along that diverts the focus and I move on to the next thing.  In this way I've have in a way become a jack of all trades, master of none.   That's ok, I can accept this fact about myself.

Historically,  when I'm eating right I'm looking at my food journal constantly, tweaking and arranging; plotting and planning. Lots and lots of time.  When I'm exercising right it's my sole focus.  Nothing gets in the way.    I research exercise.  I research the 'sport of the month' or injuries as the case may be recently.    I spend all my time focusing on those things that other things slip by the wayside.

The problem is that for me to be healthy and productive, I can't have an all or nothing attitude.   There needs to be balance.  I need to be focused on my goals but not let life slip by.  Spending two or three hours of exercise each day is awesome and I don't begrudge those days that I've done that. (Long bike rides followed by an exercise class or a walk with a friend quickly eats up 3 hours of a day).  However, it's bad when I give up doing something that makes me happy and brings me joy.  I went months and barely touched my camera gear.  I truly enjoy playing around within the photographic realm of things.  It makes me happy...yet I gave it up in this hellfire bent to exercise.  Well....technically I didn't give it up, I just didn't have time for it.

I want to be healthy mind, body and spirit. So I have to find a way to to lose that all or nothing attitude.  I need to find a way to be super focused on my goals but also relaxed enough to nurture my  mind.

I've come a long way....now it's just fine tuning what I know and getting the weight loss rolling again!

Meanwhile.  I woke up to a rainy morning with a pounding headache.  I think I'm going to curl up on this couch and rest until it's time to go to work.   Hopefully I'll feel better and maybe hop on the exercise bike this evening. 

Here are a few pictures I snapped the other day and boy did it feel good to have my camera in my hands again (even though that tendon in my arm screamed in pain anytime I held the camera or depressed the shutter!)

Eating myself Sick

I kick myself every time it happens. Seriously?   What kind of idiot continues to eat when they are full, stuffed even! What kind of dummy feels bloated and stuffed to the gills yet still decides to eat lunch simply because it’s lunch time? This dummy apparently. 

That kind of behavior used to be the norm.  I would eat until I was literally sick to my stomach.  Before that bloated icky feeling would even go away, I would be right there shoveling more food down my gullet.  My life was a constant round of stomach aches.  It wasn’t until I had started to lose weight and really manage my food intake that I realized that the stomach aches were caused by my gluttony.  I was eating myself sick. 

You would think that when I made this discovery that the problem would go away.  However I must be incredibly dense.  This behavior crops up over and over and over again.  Thankfully less and less often, but it’s still embedded in my memory bank of behaviors to act upon.

Yes, I’m writing this because I have recently lived a few days of this behavior. Monday was the worst.  I woke up.  I got dressed to go out for a run.  I had to drop something off for Todd so I headed out.  I don’t like to run on a full stomach so I planned to eat after my run.  However I had packed my lunch for work.  Things happened (lets not go there….) and I never got the run in.  I went home and I was so stressed out about those ‘things that happened’ that I had some homemade bread and then decided to eat some leftover Mexican chicken soup that I had in the fridge.  It was soooooo tasty and I knew that there was one bowl left so I ADDED it to my lunch box. Lunch rolled around and I was not even remotely hungry but I carted my butt up the stairs to the lunch room and heated up that soup.  Did I stop at the soup (and the tortilla chips that went with it…and yes I had tortilla chips with the soup at breakfast too).  Heck no!  I ate some cottage cheese and some fruit…most of the original items in my lunchbox.   What was my reasoning for the ‘extra items’ that were above and beyond the ultra filling soup and chips?   It’s very simple really.  I knew that I wasn’t going to be packing a lunch for work until Friday due to a vacation day , a half day and a late start day.  That food would/could have gone bad!  I didn’t want to waste it! 

I was miserable and then asked myself all day what in the world I was doing to myself.   Why would I mindlessly shovel food into my body, a body that was already rebelling against me.  It makes no sense.  Absolutely insane, if you ask me!  Yet I continually fall into that trap and habit.

I’m not going to say that I’ll never do it again.  I’m an addict. I have an addiction to food and I KNOW that I will slip up again in the future.  I’m just writing this to affirm that I KNOW that it is happening. I’m saying that I don’t like it and I am going to TRY to guard against it.

Meanwhile, I think I’m falling apart physically.  Yes, I do.  Lets start at the bottom:

The left foot…the tarsal nerve is still periodically kicking….along with the plantars fasciitis.

The right foot….the tarsal nerve is bothering me.  I’m freaked out because from what I read the tarsal nerve can precipitate the plantar’s fasciitis (the nerve helps support the arch so when the nerve is messed up the arch loses it’s support and thereby ‘falls’ and that can irritate the plantar)

My back…my lower back has given me grief for a few years.  Yes, in 2011 I was really bad and actually had to take some time off work, simply because I couldn’t move…literally.  It was horrible!   So that was been sensitive a few days recently. I’ve rested it and stretched it and it seems to be better now.

My right arm……what the heck?  I started to feel pain the day I did my 3 bushels of apples (applesauce and apple butter).  I figured it was just a tensed muscle from the work.  Two days later I did a full day photo shoot (the wedding).  At the end of the evening I was getting my gear packed to go home and there was a sharp pain in my arm and from then on my arm HURTS.  It hurts to hold a pen and write. It hurts to type.  It hurts to move my fingers.  It hurts to touch my arm.  It hurts.  GRRR.  It has been suggested that I have tendonitis….or something akin to tennis elbow.  Really????

Otherwise, I’m feeling pretty good. 

Control Freak

It's no secret that I've struggled in the last few weeks, ok months.  My weight has been at a standstill since early July.  I've not totally gone off deep end.  However, I've slipped into some bad habits.

One of the bad habits I've picked up is being lackadaisical about my fresh fruit and vegetables.  I buy them and I 'usually' eat them.  However, each week I find myself throwing more away.  When I'm on track I eat each and every bite of my fresh foods, often running out before I get to the grocery store for a restock.   Today I actually took my time and prepped some of my fresh foods that were sitting in the refridgerator.  It felt good.  I felt like I was taking control of my life, my addictions.   Just that one simple step made me feel as if I was on the right track.  It felt right.  It felt good.

One step and lots more to come.  However, now that I remember how good it feels to be in control I want to feel it again!!!!

bleh bleh bleh

Enough is enough!   That is all!  I'm tired of sitting on the fence. Life has walloped me each time I start to get it pulled together to start losing weight again...and this time I'm NOT LETTING IT HAPPEN!!!!!

Running WILL happen.   Weight loss WILL happen.  Zumba WILL happen.  

'Nuff said!

Some days

Tuesday night I went to Zumba and I was on fire.  My body felt good.  I had energy.  I pushed myself and jumped more and higher and harder.  It was an awesome hour!

Last night, Wednesday I did another hour of Zumba and it was night and day different from the previous night.  I was tired before I began.  I just wanted to pay down.   The difference was apparent almost instantaneously as I began to sweat profusely.  My clothes felt heavy on my body.  My legs felt like dead weight.   Part of me wanted to quit.  I wasn't sure if I could even make it.  My movements became more slow and sluggish.  But I told myself that this was all in my head and I ramped up my movements.

I powered through the workout.  It wasn't a killer workout but I did my best.  I jumped and moved as much as my body would accommodate.  I wasn't stopping because of a little discomfort (some of which I know was from a mental block!). 

I'm sore today.  My legs feel as if they have been through a war.   Am I happy that I pushed through?  Absolutely!

Some days exercise will be more of a struggle and and I wont do a good, go as far or push myself as much.  Some days the victory is just in finishing!   Some days  our strength and determination is challenged.  I accept the challenge!  

Strictly prohibited

I was talking to some friends last night and I have made the vow that I will be definitely running the Turkey Trot in Hagerstown on Thanksgiving Morning.  I’m not sure if I will be running it for time or just to do it.  I’m hoping that it is a PR run. That’s almost two months away, surely I can speed myself up in that time frame.  I was speeding up consistently getting faster when I was running regularly. However, those excuses (valid, yet still excuses)  that I talked about in the last post derailed me from running regularly and my speed/pace has suffered. (and it wasn’t all that fast to begin with…but it was MY time).  So anyway……  Turkey Trot….thanksgiving morning.  Who’s in????  J

We have also talked about running something in October.  I think we settled on the Spooky two miler. It takes place in Hagerstown right before the parade. Two miles…from the fairgrounds to the parade center/grandstand area.  Costumes encouraged.  Sounds fun right?????  Any takes to join me/us on this one????

So that leaves me with getting my butt out of bed in the morning and actually getting out there and running.   Plans are in my head to DO IT!  (yes, I feel like a Nike commercial…which I never ‘got’ until I really started to just take the “just do it” attitude.)

Then this morning I made a sad discovery/revelation.  You see, I live in Sharpsburg, MD.  To be specific I live in a swatch of land that is nestled between the Antietam Battlefield and the C&O Canal. Yes, our land is sandwiched between two national parks.   It’s actually a really great thing.  I have lots of options for running and riding and walking that are off the busy roads.  I prefer to do the bulk of my running in these areas because, quite frankly; people are nuts on the public roads.     It is a great perk.     But back to the revelation.  Government Shutdown.  Yes, I know government workers that are affected and I feel bad for them since they have to suffer with their glorious time off of work,   (yeah, yeah yeah…I know it could hurt their wallets in a really bad way…so it’s not so glorious!! My friends that are affected are in my thoughts and prayers as they work to make the adjustments necessary to survive!) )but it really didn’t affect me.  Except that I’m a big big user of these national parks…….uhhhhhh this stuff is getting real now!  You’ve closed the gates to my beloved canal????  WAAAAAAAAAAA

The notices on the canal signs and it’s partners (non government) website  say that use is strictly prohibited.  Uhhhh  first of all, if I cut through the woods on my property and access it that way will I be ‘strictly prohibited’???   How will they enforce this?  Will it be a federal offence if I’m caught?  Hmmmm  

The battlefield is another question mark. They don’t have the roads to the north end of the battlefield blocked…they can’t, there are still people living on the battlefield. (my co-worker is one).  So there are no clear signage (that I have seen, maybe I should drive by this evening to look).   

I guess this chickie pie may be running on the ‘boring’ roads for a while.   Ok, they aren’t too boring…I mean, I saw the most picture opportunity one day on the road.  I made friends with a cow that was loose another day.  So lots of fun to still be had.

No longer insurmountable

A while back I was having a conversation with a friend.  I was remarking about how the last few months have been a constant barrage of things that have derailed me from my weight loss efforts.  It was being diagnosed with plantars fasciitis (and the pain that accompanies that), the flu, a sore arm (who knows what that is), some personal issues.  One thing after another hit me.  I would just get myself back in line and it seemed as if another thing would hit me square in the forehead and derail me again.

Excuses?   Yes.  Are they valid?  Absolutely.   They were all valid things that cropped up in my life.  However for the last week or so since that conversation I've pondered this.   I've thought about the fact that I've struggled with my weight.  I've not really lost anything and I've been struggling with getting myself regulated with my exercise routine.  I haven't known what to say or what to think about it.

That is until tonight.  I was talking to a different friend and she mentioned that she wanted to lose weight so that she could like herself when she looked in the mirror.   I started to respond.  "The trick is you have to learn to love yourself  before you start.   Love yourself because you will need to know that you are worth everything.  If you know that you are worth it, nothing will stop you.  You will know that you are worth every minute of hard work and every dollar of  money that you spend at the gym or on healthy pursuits.  As I started to talk to her it hit me that THAT was the answer.

In the last three months I stopped liking mself.   Or rather, I liked myself but I was struggling with self worth issues. The excuses in my life were stoppable to me only because I allowed them to rule me.  I'm worth a whole lot more.  I'm worth the extra time and energy to overcome each and every roadblock!!! 

So yes, they are valid excuses.   But they are STILL excuses and should have no affect on me.  THere is always a way around it!!!!!!

Here it is!

Well well well.  Another week down.  My weight stayed exactly the same.  I’m not exactly pleased with that.  But at least it didn’t go up.   My weekend wasn’t the greatest eating wise, I will freely admit it.  I know where I went wrong and I know how to fix it.

I worked to add exercise back into my routine last week.  I got 2 zumba classes and 2 runs into my schedule.  I also went out for a bike ride with my brother and his family yesterday.  That’s improvement.  I’m moving in the right direction.

The article was in the paper today.   I feel really ‘out there’.  But I’m good with it. 

http://www.heraldmailmedia.com/life/health/dancing-away-the-pounds/article_ded948e6-27bb-11e3-808a-0019bb30f31a.html

In case you don’t want to follow the link…here is the story.

SHARPSBURG — MaryFran Stotler can identify with people in the weight-loss trenches.

She understands the struggle of trying to lose a few pounds only to see them return almost overnight.

She knows about the health problems that slowly creep into your life, such as high cholesterol and arthritis.

And then there are the physical challenges.

“Almost everything you do is altered in some way,” the Sharpsburg resident said. “Simple things that the average person takes for granted are not the same for someone who is obese. Things like not being able to ride on a roller coaster because you have to fit in the seat AND be able to buckle the belt. Or trying to walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like your lungs are going to collapse or explode. Even being able to cross your legs like a lady.”

Stotler can relate because she’s been there.

Her highest weight, she said, was 315 pounds. She lost about 135 of those pounds from 2006 to 2008 and weighed 180.

But by 2010, she was beginning to gain again.

Despite positive changes in her eating habits, Stotler said something was missing.

In order to lose weight, she knew she had to hit the gym — or at least do some form of exercise.

The problem?

“I dreaded exercise with an unrivaled passion,” she admitted.

For a few years, Stotler had been hearing about Zumba, a dance fitness program.

“A friend of mine religiously attended a class and kept telling me that I should try it,” Stotler said. “I was having nothing to do with that. I was too embarrassed about my size. I was too scared to walk into a room of strangers. I couldn’t find a class that worked into my schedule. My gym didn’t offer a Zumba class. I can look back now and see that these were excuses. And, eventually, there came a day when my excuses ran out.”

Maybe, she thought, she should give Zumba a try.

When Stotler heard about a Zumba class that was being offered at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church in Lappans, she adjusted her schedule to attend a 6:45class offered on Tuesday nights.

“I won’t lie. I was scared and made myself do it,” she said.

That decision would mark a turning point in her weight loss journey.

Today, Stotler said she has whittled away the pounds and is “currently sitting at around 213.”

It’s an accomplishment, however, that didn’t happen overnight.

Even after starting Zumba classes, her weight loss continued to be an up and down battle, she noted, shedding pounds only to fall into bad eating habits and gaining everything back. Discouraged, she would skip classes and wasn’t focused on losing weight.

“At the end of last year,” she noted, “I turned the big 4-0 and I took a look at where I was in all aspects of my life. I thought about my weight. I liked the freedom that came with the lower weight that I had found during those ‘thin’ years. I liked how I felt and wanted that again.”

So she started watching her food intake “and I started to really push myself to my personal max in my Zumba classes. I stopped skipping classes and went to every one I could.”

This year, alone, she has dropped 40 pounds, she said.

Overweight for most of her adult life, Stotler said she wasn’t greatly affected emotionally by her obesity.

“I simply saw myself as MaryFran,” she said. “This comes from having a family that has always loved me no matter what I weighed. It’s easy to be secure and emotionally unaffected when you have that support.”

However, the physical toll was another story.

“By the age of 28, I was having problems with my knees and my doctor informed me that I had arthritis,” she said. “Yes, arthritis at 28, all self induced from too much weight on my body I also was diagnosed with high cholesterol in my early 30s.”

Then there were the restrictions caused by being obese, she said, things like not being able to use a normal towel to wrap around your body or becoming out of breath in just five minutes from shoveling snow or gardening.

“Things just don’t happen easily when you have so many excess pounds,” she said.

Stotler said realized a healthy eating plan was conducive to weight loss, but she also needed to be physically active.

Without exercise, she said, the weight stopped coming off.

Stotler can still remember the first night she walked into the Zumba class.

With some apprehension, she opened the door and did what came instinctively.

She headed to a corner in the back of the room, where she hoped no one would notice her.

When the music started, “I found myself following the steps as well as I could,” Stotler said. “OK. Maybe I just moved as best as I could; but that’s OK, too. Suddenly, the music shifted and we started to cool down. Before I knew what end was up, the class was over. Holy cow. Seriously? That was an hour of exercise? I barely had time to blink. There was no question about me returning the next week. I was hooked. I had finally found an exercise that I actually enjoyed.”

Stotler gives credit to her class instructor, Anita Binder, who, she said, inspires and encourages class participants every week.

“She pushes through her own rough days, like when she had a case of the flu, and her own injuries, never missing a step,” Stotler said. “It makes me push just a bit harder because if she can do it, then so can I.”

Since Stotler has been attending the Zumba classes, “I have stopped being worried about what I look like. I no longer try to hide in the back row. I like to stand front and center. I’m having fun and that’s what matters.”

Stotler said Zumba “gives me what I put into it. I can tone up my movements or tweak them down according to my levels, my mood and my exercise threshold. There are days and weeks where I’m not totally in the zone of losing weight. However, there are also days when I am 100 percent focused on my weight loss efforts and I push it as far as my body will allow. The benefits those days are amazing Zumba allows me to be me.”

While Zumba has helped Stotler lose weight, “I really didn’t notice the difference in my body at first,” she said. “I never have been able to see the changes as they happen. However, everyone else was saying that they could see it. I will say that when your pants literally fall off your body and you don’t have to button them up to put them on or take them off, it’s pretty obvious that it’s working.”

Also, she add, “the more I exercise and lose weight, the more energy I have.”

In addition to exercise, Stotler said she monitors her food intake through a web site and app for her phone called myfitnesspal .com

“I practice a diet of calorie restriction,” she said. “I try to steer myself toward healthier foods, but nothing is taboo if it fits into my caloric budget. I find that when my eating is spot on, my exercise follows along and vice versa. It really is a two-handed approach.

“I also know, though, and my experience proves it, that weight is lost in the kitchen and exercise is just the icing on the cake.”

In the last few months, Stotler said “I have discovered that exercise really isn’t that bad and I have added some variety to my exercise routine,” including running and bike riding.”

In addition to losing weight and toning her body, Stotler said there are other rewards to attending the Zumba classes.

“I’ve made some great friends,” she said. “It’s a very open and friendly community that adds to the attraction. It’s the fun and the social aspects that keep me coming to the class even as I’m struggling with my weight loss efforts.”

A few months ago, Stotler said, “I was with my brother and his three young kids and was playing soccer. I could never have done that at 315. I would have been the fat aunt — albeit much loved and lots of fun to be around — sitting on the sidelines cheering them on and just happy to be with my family.”

“The rewards are in everyday life when you realize what you were previously incapable of doing is now normal activity,” she said. “Life opens up when you lose weight.”

Stotler said she would like to get back to 180 pounds.

After 180?

“Well, we shall see how my body responds,” she said “I’m in this to be healthy, whatever weight that ends up being. I will say this: ‘I’ve come a long way from the decidedly unhealthy 315 pounds.’”

Guilty as charged

I had full intentions of getting up today and using my late start Thursday to accomplish a few things.  I was going to run first, around 8 or so.    I was going to go home and rest a bit and then head out on my bike.  Back home by 11 and showered and out the door to work by 11:44.   I had my plans.  Seriously, I did!

However, what really transpired was something much different.  I woke up early.  Todd asked if I wanted to watch a tv show that we had recorded.  I said yes, it was afterall 6AM.  I could watch the show and STILL have time to do everything.  I flipped on my computer and started to edit pictures from the wedding that I photographed on Saturday.  I have only halfway edited and processed the tons of pictures.   I started editing.  Todd and I finished our show and Todd headed out the door.  I was enmeshed in my work.  Time passed.  I did briefly think about going out for a ride, but by that time I could see the end in sight.  I chose to finish the pictures and get it off my plate.   I worked right up until I left for work. (all I have to do is burn the disk for the bride and groom and also a disk for the lady that arranged the flowers as she and I had talked and I had offered her some pictures with her flowers).  

A conscious decision was made.  Was it a bad decision?  Maybe.  Was it a good decision?   Maybe.  I am walking with Sherry tonight so I will get some activity in. (If I don’t walk with her, I will go out for a short run).    I feel like I made an excuse to not exercise.  Realistically, I know that while I spent a few hours on Sunday that since then I’ve only been able to spend a few minutes here and there with the pictures and that they were not going to get done if I didn’t devote some serious time to them.    

I need to remember that this is a journey of making exercise fit into my life.   It means that when I have other obligations that I adjust to make them work and to STOP FEELING GUILTY!  Ok, I feel guilty because I haven’t been on my bike at all this month…and only two runs….yikes…BINGO…there is where the guilt is occurring.  But I’m back on track.  I ran on Monday, Zumba’d on Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m walking tonight. I’m doing ok.  No guilt!  (if I say it to myself enough times maybe I’ll actually start believing it!)

I'll leave you with a few of my favorite pictures from the wedding.

Go big or go home

I started this interview for the paper without really thinking about what I was doing and committing to. I wrote a short synopsis of my weight loss journey and sent it via email to the reporter without any real thought.   By the time the next round of questions came flying back to me I had started to seriously think about this. Wow….I’m putting myself out there BIG TIME.  Uhhh yeah, like my highest weight and my current weight and my goal weights.  My failure of regaining…my original success, it was all there.   I need to admit, I panicked a bit about the prospect about putting it all out there on the line.  Weight loss is such a personal subject.  Then I reminded myself of a vow I made on my blog many many years ago. I vowed to myself that I would be true, raw and open about my struggles, my journey and my efforts.  I’d like to think that I have maintained that promise of integrity with this blog.  Once I remembered that promise that I made to myself, I went forward with answering the deeply personal questions.

I’m not going to say that I haven’t had moments of misgiving about it, but I’ve been comfortable with everything.  That is I was comfortable with it UNTIL it really hit me that I had agreed to not only a story but a photograph.  Uhhh this won’t be too bad will it?   I waited for the call to set up the appointment and finally it came.  I don’t know why I was such a num-nut and didn’t realize that they would want a picture of me actually at zumba (since the tie in was zumba)…but of course that’s what they wanted.  And that is where my next big decision came in.  Dress in baggy clothes or in my tighter fitting (albeit absolutely comfortable) workout clothes.  I go back and forth at zumba in what I wear but typically running I wear the tighter clothes.   Decisions decisions decisions…..I hate them!  Most of my baggy shirts are logo teeshirts that I’ve picked up here and there so I decided to go with real workout gear…..even though it is form fitting.   Go big or go home.  Nervous wreck, but it is done. Photographer showed up and took the pictures and for better or worse it’s done.  Now I just need to wait for the story to be published (if it gets published and not pushed by something else).

Go big or go home.   Shouldn’t that be my goal in life? Shouldn’t we always be aiming for the biggest and best??  Pushing ourselves to our max in an effort to get the most out of life?   I want to live big and have no regrets!

So last night at Zumba I made a colossal error.  I didn’t realize it until this morning when I tried to get out of bed.  What was the error?  Well in a fit of vanity, I decided to forego taping my foot.  Yes, it was vanity because I KNEW I was going to be photographed and I didn’t want the KT tape showing in the picture.  Pure vanity, I know!  In the past months since this plantars fasciitis thing has reared it’s ugly head in my life, I’ve questioned the validity of the KT tape.  I will question no more. Zumba without taping my foot came back to haunt me this morning.    I could barely step on that heel so I quickly taped the foot and while it didn’t take the pain away, it eased it up a bit so I could walk somewhat normally.  (That is without a hobble that Todd says makes me look like I’m doing the hokey pokey AND without groaning with each step).

My calories have been right around the range of calories that I set up as my budget (1200-1300 daily).  I’m not anal about being exactly spot on.  I just aim to be close. (close as within 100 calories is good for me).

I also got the information about the Turkey Trot in Hagerstown.  I’m in!  I need to round up my peeps to see who I can convince to join me!  This will help motivate me to run regularly.  Maybe I can knock some time and set a PR!!!  (We shall see about that!)

What do you want the most

I have an internal struggle going on.  I love food.  I love the textures and flavors. It's hard to curb that love.  It's difficult some days to say no to the cupcake.  It's  murder to decline the ice cream.  It's just plain no fun.     But the flip side is that I have a desire to be thin.  I want to be thin do badly.  I can remember the way I felt at my lower weight!  I loved that feeling.  I remember how I feel when I'm heathy and able to wear whatever clothes I want.  That's an awesome feeling.

So those two desires war within me.   I think it's time to chose the desire that shows that I love myself!!!!   It's time!!!

I will still indulge in those favorite foods on rare occasions.  I can still have them...just not often...and that will make them more special.

My weight is 215.5 this morning.  So yeah dropping that sodium weight!! 

By the way...I ran yesterday (ok jogged).  Felt hard but good!!   I had the unique experience of running up on a cow that was loose on the road.  I kept my eye on that hunk of beef and I passed on my way back home!!!!

This means war

Ok, so I’m not happy with my weight this morning.  I am 217.1   My weight in the last 3 months has teetered between 218 and 213.   I’m at the top end of that number right now and I’m not happy.  At least it’s not more….I can look at the positive.  (I can also say that Chinese food….high sodium…for dinner could be affecting that number…whew!)

I had already decided that I was totally recommitting to this weight loss journey.  I’ve sat on the fence during the last three months.  I’ve not gone crazy, but I’ve not really focused on doing what I KNOW needs to be done.

NO MORE.   The battle is on!   My short term goal?  I’m setting a really easy goal. (well, in terms of numbers it’s easy…NO weight loss is easy when we really look at it).   But my goal is to be under 200 pounds by the New Year.  Yes, I originally hoped to be at my goal weight (the top end of 180) by the New Year.  However, I’ve revamped and rethought and my goal is under 200. That is 1.2 pounds a week.  Healthy and extremely doable!

Lets get this show on the road!

Top of the list!

II keep telling myself that I've got to do this. I've got to get myself on track and finish what I started.  I am still working on finishing projects around my house.  I started this 'finish up unfinished projects back at the end of 2012.  I have done quite well and have finished quite a few projects.

  I've finished quilts. 

 I've finished cross stitch projects. 

 I've been doing well.   But I have started to falter on the MF project.  You see, I'm an unfinished project.  My weight loss is NOT finished. I need to finish this just as much as I need to finish all these craft projects (and yes, I have a few brand new projects lined up for as soon as I deem myself caught up...but I WILL NOT put a stitch, or lift a pair of scissors or buy anything new until I'm caught up!)

So I have been thinking deeply about finishing my projects....namely the project of myself.   I've vowed to do it.  Finish and then strut my stuff to be a hot chickie pie!

Today I ws sitting at work and a message came through on facebook from my zumba instructor. He message read something like this.  "Hello.  I know that you've lost quite a bit of weight and you have utilized zumba as a means to help you in this quest.  I have been contacted by the Herald Mail (our local newspaper) to try to find someone to write an article about for the lifestyle section of the paper."   I was at work and somewhat bored, so without thinking I responded to Anita and shortly thereafter was corresponding via email with the reporter that was writing the article.  Before I knew it, my 'interview' was completed via email.   I then received the news that a photographer would be contacting me to have my picture taken for the article.  Uhhhhhh  this is really real.  

I don't mind sharing my story.  I will say it like it is.  I was fat.  I was thin.  I regained my weight and now I'm struggling to be 'thin again'.  I don't mind sharing.  What gets me is that the whole world (or at least everyone that reads the local paper) will know where I'm at.  They will know that I'm still trying and that means that I'll be in the spotlight.  Uhhhhhhhhhh  that means I can't sit on my arse anymore this 'weight loss project' has now sky rocketed to the top of the list of my priorities!  BIG TIME move to the top of the list!   Failing in privacy (or at least the relative privacy of my blog and close friends) is one thing.....failing with the world watching is unthinkable!!!!

I'm just not......

The ‘only two day’ challenge of keeping my calories in line is over.  It ended on Sunday.  I did fairly well and have continued to keep my calories somewhat in line.   Today I’ll be over by a few hundred (250 from my low end goal to be exact…only 150 from the high end of my range).   I’m happy with that.  I’m continuing on with that and hope to make it a habit again.   Sherry set the challenge for this week. (well we discussed it and she made the final decision.)  This week our challenge is to drink enough water (or at least the recommended goal of 8 glasses….64 ounces…a day).   Once again it’s not a forever challenge.  It’s a challenge that runs from Monday through the next time I’m set to see Sherry which isThursday night for our weekly walk.  3.5 days. Who can’t chug a lug some water for a few days. However,   I’m struggling with this one. I’ve gotten a late start on the water drinking both Monday and today (Tuesday).  Not entirely my fault.  Jury duty……both mornings……no food or drink in the courtroom.   So it was  kind of out of my control.   And boy, knowing I couldn’t take sips when I wanted made me sooooo thirsty.  I drooled every time a lawyer or the judge would take a drink!  I’m back at work and I’m soaking I the water (no, I’m not trying to take in my water through osmosis or any other crazy method…I’m just drinking it steadily). No problem.  I’ll still either do it or come close. (I was very close yesterday….I may have made it…not sure how much water was in those glasses at the restaurant!)

“I’m just not losing weight even though I’ve been trying like mad!”   How many times have I heard that statement?  Worse yet, how many times have I made that statement to myself?  Probably more times than I can count!

This morning we were watching a tivo’d episode of Sister Wives.  (don’t be a hater….the show isn’t that bad….yeah, it’s a practice that I don’t believe in, but the people on that show are NOT fanatical and everyone seems happy, well adjusted and there of their own free will…through love)   Janelle (wife two or maybe three) has been very open in the recent seasons with her weight loss.  She’s been moaning a lot in recent episode about how she’s just not dropping pounds on the scale.  She just doesn’t understand why because she’s at the gym daily and she’s doing everything and the scales just aren’t dropping. She’s even said that she’s counting calories and staying within her set range.  Uhhhhh I don’t mean to downplay your efforts but something is seriously wrong….for weeks I’ve made snarky comments while watching the show.   I’ve made comments like “yeah, why you aren’t losing is because you are eating junk food” and “if you eat tons of food and the wrong kind of food it doesn’t make a difference how much you work out.”  I’m not being mean, it’s just an observation.  Her personal trainer has had her throw her scales away to try to take the importance off the number but all to no avail. So this past episode he FINALLY had her sit down with a nutritionist.   And FINALLY Janelle made a comment “I’m nervous but excited to be changing the way I cook and eat” BINGO….obviously you were not watching your food as carefully as you thought you were doing.

Now I’m not saying that people can’t plateau. But I’m really of a mind that when our weight stalls, that we should look really deep at ourselves.  Because every time my weight has stalled I’ve been able to look at my food intake and my exercise output and I’ve been able to see where the problem is/was.  For example, earlier this year my weight was not dropping.  I was eating the right amount of calories.  I was exercising like a mad woman.  By all rights I SHOULD have been dropping pounds.  But I wasn’t.  And then one day I was walking and I realized that I was eating baked oatmeal every morning.  Now I have nothing against baked oatmeal.  It’s actually quite delicious.  The problem?   I wasn’t thinking about that food in terms of carbohydrates.  I know that I’m a bit of a carb addict.  I love carbs but I also know that when I eat too many carbohydrates that my body does not lose. It doesn’t matter how few calories I eat…if I have too much bread and pasta, it’s NOT GONNA HAPPEN!  So that week I was starting to think about not losing.  I had one or two people mention the dreaded plateau word…but I wasn’t anywhere near a plateau….I was eating the WRONG FOOD!   That is not a plateau.

So before I (and you) say “I’m doing everything and I’m just not losing”   Look deeply. I would wager a wild bet that there is something that is off kilter.  I need to stop whining and just FIX the issues.    Which is what I’m doing. I’ve been stalled for 2-3 months.  I’m reevaluating and recommitting to things that I know work…..drinking my water, exercising regularly, tracking my food and keeping my food at a certain caloric level.  I’ve GOT this!