Excuses

Thursday was a busy day for me.....Ran/jogged in the morning, worked for an hour in the garden and then walked after work for an hour!  I rocked out the chocolate gear.  Wilbur's Chocolate factory hat and a Reeses' cup shirt for my run...and I wore my Hershey Kiss hat for my evening walk!

 

I love to write. I have recently started a project. This new project is to basically write 'lessons learned' about my weight loss. I've got a few pieces written. Some is very introspective, others are more general. Today I was out jogging and I had some thoughts come to me. I went to work and I wrote.......this is the first draft, simply my first thoughts of what came out of my mind today.


                                                               EXCUSES

I wasn’t paying attention to the TV that Sunday morning. I was working around the house while my husband watched the morning news. I don’t know what caught my attention but something did. Was it the word triathlon? I don’t know. I had long been interested in completing a triathlon as it seemed like the ‘ultimate’ sport…three things rolled into one. Was it the promise of getting my life in line health wise that caught my attention? I don’t know. Whatever it was, the news report caught my attention. I watched as they ran clips of the lucky chosen viewers from the previous year as they completed a transformation in their lives which culminated in them participating in a triathlon. I sat on the edge of my seat watching with interest. The report ended with the call for video applications. Yes, they were looking for a new group of people to work with to train for a triathlon that would take place in about 9 months. They would provide the tools and the training; I would simply need to provide the grit to complete the training and ultimately the triathlon. I sat there quietly. I didn’t say anything to anyone. The television continued to play, but my mind was stuck on the concept of becoming one of the tri-athletes for CNN. Over the next few days and weeks I spent a lot of time in thought about this possibility. I scoured the Internet for the I reports from the previous group of participants. My desire to apply and to actually do it increased each day. I finally broached the subject with a few people. I got the green light from everyone that I talked to. I made my video and submitted my name as a hopeful and then I waited. I wanted this. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to complete an item off of my bucket list but even more I wanted so badly to get my life in line. By the new year I knew that I didn’t make the cut. I was not chosen. I was disappointed. I felt hopeless. I didn’t feel as if I had any valid options to me on my own. I gave up. I felt like I had absolutely no chance to make the changes necessary…not with out the assistance that I would have gotten from CNN. I wasn’t despondent, life went on, but I threw my hands up in the air and consequentially gained more weight. A year went by. They called for a new round of applicants. I briefly contemplated applying once again. I didn’t do it though. I was still mired in my helpless pity party. Then one day I woke up, figuratively speaking. I knew that I wanted to be healthy and it didn’t matter what it would take.  I was ready to pay any price. I started moving more. And then I started to run. It was slow going. I had to research information on my own. I didn’t have a coach standing at my side advising me. I did it on my own.. I started thinking about getting a road bike. I started saving my extra pennies so that I could buy an entry level road bike, and in the meantime have decided to be happy with my current bike. (and just stay off the roads) I didn’t start doing these with the goal of running a triathlon. I ran because I wanted to be healthy.

Excuses. I have always been full of excuses. I wasted one year of my exercise life by making excuses about why I couldn’t get out and train myself to participate in at least aspects of a triathlon. There was always an excuse. If it was the fact that I didn’t have the coaching I found another excuse. My knees are riddled with arthritis so they are a prime excuse. Housewife duties? They make great excuses also. Too cold? Too hot??? Rainy??? Snowing???    My gym (any gym really...living in the country is a pain sometimes) is about 20 minutes from my house... that is a huge excuse as to why I can’t work out. Give me more time and I can fill pages with the various excuses that I have used. Excuses were my best friend.

 Are there valid excuses? I’m sure. Are there workarounds for almost any excuse? Yes. But it is truly amazing how the excuses fall away when you desire something from that deep place within your heart.

I’ve made this commitment to be healthy. I’ve made a commitment to really give running a valid fair shot as a part of my life. I want this healthy lifestyle more than I want anything else. (Maybe I should be honest and say that I want to be thin more than I want anything else.) Because that desire is so intense I am willing to push myself to great lengths to succeed.

 I push my body out of its comfort zone on a continual basis. When you are pushing your body out of it’s comfort zone it is the perfect environment for change….good change. The problem? Being pushed out of it’s comfort zone means that most days I wake up and my body is stiff and sore. It’s different muscles at different times. It’s part of my life right now. I accept it as a necessary step to the rebirth of myself. Aching muscles are no longer a valid excuse.

 Cold weather? I completed the c25K program and never, not once did the temperatures raise above 35 degrees. There were days that I ran with temps in the single digits and teens. There were days that I ran with snow falling around me and yes, I have run in the rain. Heat? Well, that’s rolling into my neck of the woods and I am out there sweating it up. The weather will NOT stop me. I may adjust my run schedule a bit to accommodate the weather as much as possible…but if I am scheduled to run three times in the week I WILL run those three times. (Even if it means going to the gym and running on the much hated treadmill.)  Weather is not a valid excuse.

 Arthritis? Yes, I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was about 28 years old. Arthritis in my knees. I take the steps that I need to in order to make sure that my knees don’t hurt. But not all precautions are foolproof. Yes, my knees hurt. I know why they hurt. I know that I’m not injured. I also know that the more weight I remove from my body, the less pain I will feel. (and consequentially the knees are what may ultimately make me decide that running is not my cup ‘o tea). Right now they are just an invalid excuse as to why I should stop. (Ironically, my knees are feeling good on my runs…..it was the Thirty day shred that ripped them up…….and I DID stop the thirty day shred for time and knee issues)

 Excuses are no longer welcome in my world. Will I run in a triathlon? I don’t know what the future holds. I will say this…..if I decide to do it there will be NOTHING that holds me back! (And possibly could there be a duathlon in my future??? Hmmmm food for thought.)

 I was running on the battlefield thinking about my failed attempt to be selected for the CNN triathlon training group. The usual disappointments flickered in my brain. But then I looked at my progress that I had made on my own. Maybe a year later, but I’m finally making progress! I am dang proud of myself. Furthermore, I instantly knew without a doubt that had I been picked a year and a half ago that I would have failed miserably. I didn’t have the drive and determination to succeed. I would have hated every minute of the pain. I would have tried to back out when my knees started to ache. I would have NEVER had the fortitude to run in bitter cold, with high winds and falling snow. I wasn’t ready and thus they made the best decision.

RIP

I got out on my bike for my first ride of the season.   It started a bit rough.  I was checking tire pressure and my tire blew.  I'd rather have it blow at home versus while out on a ride.   So I had the pleasure of changing the tube on my bike.   All good.  :-)     We laugh at our house.   As limited as I am with mechanical stuff, I am the repair person for our bikes.  I change out the flat tires and do the really basic stuff.  My only problem with the tire change?  When I finally got on the bike I realized that I had forgotten to hook the brakes back up.  Oops.  It's all good, I figured it out before I picked up too much speed. 

 It felt GREAT!  Normally I take that first ride and feel like hell on wheels.  It usually hurts I'm panting for breath and I'm well.. feeling horrible.  I am always anxious to get out to ride but dread those first few rides.  So today it was with some fear and trepidation that I set out.   It was GREAT!   I couldn't get over how good it felt.  The main difference is the advent of  running in my life .  In the last few years I've been doing zumba and took my first ride...but still felt the pain of the first ride.  This year the main difference is running.  It really made  difference!  WEEEE



I had to say goodbye to a good friend after my ride.  I have had my red helmet for a few years. Inside the helmet there is a plastic system for holding the helmet in place on your head.  Last year the plastic system started to crack on my helmet.  I limped along with it...yeah, bad I know.  Today I went out and all that was left was the shell of my helmet...uhhhh that is barely better than not wearing a helmet at all.  So I had to say goodbye to my red helmet.  RIP.



We left the canal (where we were riding) and I headed across the river into Shepherdstown and went into the bike shop.  I bought a new tube for my bike.  There is nothing worse than needing a tube for a bike and not having one!  I also bought a shiny new helmet!  I'm gonna look 'styling' in my nice white helmet.  Yes, like I always do, I have the bike shop guys fit it to my head to make sure that I have it set to be positioned correctly and tight enough.  No use wearing a helmet that is not fitted properly....won't help you when you need it!

I got my zumba in last night also.  It was stinkin' hot in that room!  But I pushed through.  I'm going to exercise this weight right off my body!

I leave you with a cat......because every good post should have a gorgeous cat! Meet Ethel.  She is my 13 year old sweetheart!

People Pleasing

I’m a people pleaser. I want to make people happy. I want to make people like me. I don’t want to disappoint people. So I do everything in my power to please others. I rarely say no when asked to do something…even if it’s not something I want to do. I’m a total people pleaser. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s not a bad thing at all. That is until I realize that it is affecting who I am…it’s affecting my life. This past weekend I was DYING to get out and do something fun. However, I’m a people pleaser. So when my husband wanted to work in the garden, I said ‘why yes’. So I spent both Saturday and Sunday in the garden. I didn’t get a bike ride in. I didn’t get a run in. I didn’t get my day of pictures in DC (cherry blossoms are blooming) in. I didn’t do anything that I wanted. Now don’t get me wrong, the work I did in the garden netted me a LOT of calories burned (it burns calories to shovel manure and compost and turn a garden…..for HOURS) and I was able to enjoy eating out at some higher calorie restaurants. I will also freely admit that I like the sense of accomplishment when I see a project that is shaping up or even completed…especially when I know that my sore body and my manual labor resulted in that project being completed. BUT, I gave up on everything that I wanted to do……to please my husband. And what did it get me????? It didn’t get me anything….I didn’t get to exercise my muscles in the way that I wanted to exercise them. I didn’t get to exercise my mind (photography) in the way that I wanted to exercise….and honestly, it depresses the hell out of me.

So how does a people pleaser reform themselves to say “I’m important…and my wants and needs are important too…..so we WILL do something that I want even if it means saying no?” And this is not just with my husband…this is with my family…my work….EVERYTHING. At work I just roll over and do things just because I like to please people…to make their life easier…even if it messes up mine.

I have been feeling utterly alone lately. I just feel totally alone in this weight loss journey. I feel alone on this weight loss journey but more specifically the exercise portion. I know that it’s not true. I have so many people supporting me. I have great friends that are behind me 100% some of whom are doing this journey at the same time. So I’m not utterly alone. I just feel so alone sometimes.

I know some of these feelings stem from my husband backing out of the biking things this year so that he can dedicate all his time to the garden (and to his iphone and computer if I want to be honest). I was looking forward to getting out there with my husband and riding together. I was looking forward to completing some of these things. In fairness, my husband still thinks we can do some of these things. In his words “We will just get on the bike and ride at these events, we don’t have to ride to prepare” I’ve tried to tell him that some people can…but that’s not how my body works. I was looking forward to having an exercise where I would not be alone. My husband knows I want a road bike and he’s gung ho to get it for me…but it will be another activity that MF does by herself.

Running has been a very solitary activity for me. Sherry and I do our weekly run/walks…and I looked forward to them. She and I are still walking together and I love those….but running has been a solitary activity. I will most likely be running Paws on the Pavement by my lonesome. That’s ok. I’m doing it (maybe it will be a face my fear type of thing….pushing myself out of my boundaries by doing it on my own). Maybe I’ll even con my husband into going with me so he can hold my keys for me! (He will have no excuse to not go as we will be on vacation.)

So I think the biggest part of the downfall of my husband putting a damper on the biking is that it has always been an activity that he and I do together. It’s been an activity that has brought us together and that I was looking forward to completing WITH someone.

Tuesday morning dawned early for me. I hadn’t run or do any formal exercise Saturday or Sunday. I did go to zumba on Monday night. Tuesday morning I NEEDED to run. Furthermore, I WANTED to run. (yeah, shocked the heck out of me too!). I laid in bed for a few minutes and my husband turned to me and said some words that made my heart stop. “I have to get to the studio, can you water the garden this morning” (We have some things in our garden…spring stuff). Uhhhh I knew that if I took the time to water the garden that I would have to forego my jog…well maybe not…it would be cutting the time really close…REALLY close). In my mind I was calculating time. Could I do it? Then I looked at my husband and said….. “NO” I explained my reasons. Furthermore I reminded him that he had a tour at 9…..but that would only last for an hour or two and then he didn’t have any clients until late afternoon/early evening, he could come back and water. He wasn’t happy with my answer. But he eventually changed his tune and ‘realized’ that he had the time before heading over to the studio to attend to the garden himself. I don’t want to be a big (thinning) old meanie, but that is a victory…I stood up for what I need and what I want.

Did it get through to my husband? Maybe…he has made plans to bike with me this afternoon. Maybe he realizes that I’m going to exercise regardless of his actions so he may as well join in.

Body Image

Timothy over at Timothology  has been pondering the concept of body image.  He has been relating the dissatisfaction with our bodies  to the images in our media...the perfect images that we see in magazines and ads.  At the same time It is interesting because my friend  Sherry and I have also been talking about body image. We have been talking mainly about how we see ourselves and in particular our bodies.   I know that I have a very warped sense of my body image.  I don't see myself the way that I am.  When I weighed 315 pounds I looked in the mirror and I saw a 'normal' sized person.  The crazy thing happened though when I lost the weight...I looked in the mirror and saw the fat MaryFran.  Nuts I tell you!  The scales can be telling me that I'm losing mad pounds and I don't see it at all.  It makes it difficult sometimes.  (I can see it in pictures...I remember once when I was 'thin' I saw a picture of  this girl at his studio, draped over his board...I was MAD that he was posing with her...SERIOUSLY MAD.....until he gently reminded me that I had lost weight and that the girl in the pictures was ME!)  Soo how does one right these warped body image issues???

SOooo the last month has been a struggle with the weight loss.....I really haven't lost much...I've been sitting pretty steady at my weight.  That's ok...I'm doing what I need to be doing and I know the weight WILL come off.  (That said, I want it off NOW...ha ha ha).  But yesterday evening I was looking for a picture on my cell phone and low and behold I realized that I had two pictures of myself...same position....same outfit....roughly 1.5 to 2 months part.  Hmmmmmm  The scales may not be showing results but I do believe I can see a bit of a difference. 

Mid February 2013

April 4, 2013

I will admit to sucking my gut in during both of those shots!  ha ha ha

This morning I got out and ran.  This is my first nice weather run outdoors!  I felt naked without my umpteen layers of clothes!   My plan for improving my running?   I've decided upon this.  Right now I am going to work on increasing my distance.  Last week I was running 2 miles.  This week (today) I'm upping it to 2.5 miles.   I will run the 2.5 miles this week.  Next week I will bump it up to 3 miles.  I will run 3 miles every run next week.  At that point I will be right at the mileage I need for a 5k (OK who's counting those extra tenths....chump change).  I will then look at my time from my runs for the 3 mile week.  If I'm running the 3 miles in 45 minutes...then the following week my goal will be to run the 3 miles in 42.5 minutes.  And the following week running the 3 miles in 40 minutes.  Each week pushing myself to go faster.  This is my plan....lets see how it works! 

Take responsibility

A few months back I wrote about taking responsibility for my weight loss. It wasn't weight watchers or any other system that made me lose weight.  It was me myself and I that lost the weight.  I am not knocking weight watchers or any other system.  They are great.  They provide the tools and support.  They are wonderful.  The problem comes into play when these weight loss systems become the end all be all to us.  I know that I did this in the past and while I was highly successful with the program that I chose (WW), I didn't learn valuable lessons.   I didn't learn that it was ME that did it.

This was brought up in my mind the other day.  I was writing a comment on a weight loss forum that I am part of.  Basically I was saying that by 6 that one night I wasn't sure that I was going to get my fruits and veggies in for the day.  It was a crap shot for me that day.  (It was Saturday....and Saturday was...well.....I'll get there later).   Someone posted back on there.....(and let me preface this by saying that this person was in no way being mean...and I am in no way trying to knock on them for their comment....it just sparked thought in my head)...they posted  "I'm on Weight Watchers, so I KNOW that I will get my 5 fruits and veggies a day".   Ok, that's fine....but there is that end all be all mentality that is so destructive in a long term kind of way.  Weight watchers is not the salvation.   Motivation is the salvation.  NO, you dont' know that you will get your fruits and veggies in.  Life throws curveballs.  Things happen.  Just being on the end all be all weight loss program does not mean automatic success.  Success comes from inside oneself!  The comment that would have made me happier to see....even with the weight watchers plug would have been.  "I'm super motivated while following weight watchers and I am motivated to get my recommended fruit and veggies in...because I CAN DO IT!"


Saturday.  I woke up. I woke up emotional.   I consciously made the decision while I laid in bed (I may or may not have been crying at that point) that I didn't give a flip about vegetables...if I got them in, so be it if I didn't.....big whop.  A few minutes later I also decided that I was going to screw the water consumption.  I was drinking diet soda all day.  So HA.   I was well on my way to having a 'blow it off day'.  No veggies (only the condiments on my sub) through breakfast and lunch.  Not a drop of water either.  Todd and I spent the afternoon outside working in the garden.  I was sucking down diet soda and a funny thing happened....my stomach was rebelling.  It was flipping and flopping and I felt MISERABLE.  I didn't think anything of it...but when my diet soda was gone, I wasn't thinking and the NEW habit that I've formed kicked in and I just filled my water mug and took that outside.  I started pounding the water and low and behold......I felt 100% better.  My body overruled my I dont' care attitude.   As for the veggies....uhhhh lets see refried beans at the mexican restaurant.......some lettuce and onions on my turkey sub........and can I count raspberry ice cream (soft serve) as a fruit??????  So I never recouped that decision.   However, Sunday I was back on track!  :-)

Failure

Failure.   I feel like I'm failing.  Within the last few weeks (maybe months) I have been so gung ho about my exercise routine.  I've been planning and plotting.  The list of things that I've committed to and planned for include:
* Complete the C25K running training (completed)
* Commit to running through at least August 9th to see how my body progresses....to really give running (jogging) a fair shot . (which includes a 5k run in mid May and a 5k run on August 9th)
*  Continue with Zumba 3 times a week (more if I can make it to the gym)
*  Walk with Sherry 2-3 times a week.
*  Ride in Pedal to Preserve in early June (the 20 mile ride) This requires me to ride in preparation.
*  Ride the full length of the canal in September (184 miles)  Obviously this requires me to build up my endurance for 3 consecutive days of riding an average of 60 miles
* Complete the 30 Day shred...thirty days straight during the month of April
* Get to the gym

I committed.  I've been totally determined to see success and finish these things and knock them off my bucket list and/or feel a huge sense of accomplishment in myself.    The problem is that I work full time.  I do 99.9% of the housework (dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc) around the house.  Logistically it's possible.  Seriously..Yes, I can get up and three mornings a week I can ride my bike.  Three mornings a week I can run.   Three-four nights a week I can go to zumba and the other two nights I can walk with Sherry and I can round out the walking series with our normal Sunday morning walk.  And since I'm getting up early to bike ride and run....I may as well tack on the extra 20 minutes early in the morning for the 30 day shred.  I mean, why as heck not!    My life is pretty well.....crappy...so it could work.  It gives me a purpose.  Does it matter that I'm waking up at 6AM...and not getting home until after 8PM.....and then trying to rush around and do the housewifely things????

Seriously, is this healthy for me?  Will my body even hold up to this?    Is it feasible.  All day Friday Todd and I were out and about in Lancaster, PA and I pondered this.  It was forefront in my mind because my arthritic knees were really bothering me.  I was torn.  I don't want to quit.  I don't want to fail.  I've spent half of my adult life running from things and thereby failing.  I've spent so much time being a failure.  I don't want to be a failure anymore.   I thought about it all day and decided that I would just push through.  Who cares...push myself.  SO my knees hurt...I can do it.  No pain no gain right?

And then.......two things happened that threw me over the edge in the opposite direction (toward failure).

The first thing was a talk with my husband.  He made it clear today that he doesn't want to ride much this summer.  Even though this was the year that we agreed that we were going to bike the whole canal..... Even though he has been talking about how much he wants to ride in Pedal to Preserve.......
he has made it clear that it was the garden or the bike....and he wanted the garden.  I personally think we can do both....but well............I've been overruled so my plans will be shelved.

The second thing was the onset of the garden season.  Spring planting started today.   We normally have our spring plants in by now...but it's been super cold and the ground was super wet.  So we planted everything indoors and just today we spent hours outside working int he garden and getting everything planted into the garden. (OK, not everything...we still have a few things to put in)   Every year when garden and yard work season comes up I am totally blown away by how much time it takes.  (Yes, we have a HUGE HUGE garden....and then it will be canning and preserving the harvest).  Today we worked for about 5 hours outside.  My job today?  I turned the soil to loosen it for the tiller.  We had gotten a load of dried manure (it pays to be friends with farmers) so I shoveled the manure into the wheelbarrow and carted it to the upturned soil.  I then emptied out the compost bins and carted that to the upturned soil. Wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow.  Todd then came through it with the tiller while I worked on the next row.  Hours of shoveling.   When we got  row tilled, raked and set up (we had to put up fencing for what was going in) we planted the seedlings that we started indoors.  I didn't want to pull out the hose yet for this year.....so I filled  5 gallon bucket of water and carted that around...refilling numerous times....so that I could plant the seedlings. 

I didn't get to any kind of formal exercise today.  I failed on the 30 Day Shred.  Yet, I worked my body harder and longer than had I completed the 30 day shred. Most likely tomorrow I'll be out in the yard again....finishing the prepping and planting of the spring garden.....working on prepping and working in the yard.  WORKING HARD.

I'm failing......but realistically I have to say that I can't do it all.    I am going to have to say that I can't do it all....I'm going to fail.  And it bothers me.....it bothers me greatly.   The 30 day shred is going to have to go.   I'm going to attempt it when the winter rolls back around and when I'm stuck indoors.  When I'm not overwhelmed with all the yard and garden  that crops up when you have a huge garden. The bike riding....well, I still want to ride my bike and it is still my plan to get a road bike and ride.  However, like my running, that will be on my own and I will not be training to ride in Pedal to Preserve nor will I be pushing to ride the canal on three consecutive days this year.

I will however, be sticking with my commitment to run 3 times a week.  I've made it this far...if I stop now when I go to restart running I will have to start at the beginning....and I do not want to do that.  I am going to put this desire to rest one way or another.     This is my time to run.

Zumba is not going anywhere.  I need that for the exercise and for the social aspect of it.  It is my outlet...my stress relief. 

My walks with Sherry are not in question.  How many a week, well that has always been a thing of scheduling...but my walks are not in question.  Sherry and I need our girl talk time.

I will fill in my mornings/days where I am not working in the garden with either a workout DVD (I was doing a step aerobic DVD in March and was diggin' it) or a trip to the gym.   

I'm not quiting exercise...I"m quitting the insane schedule and commitment that I had laid out for myself.  I'm not failing........I am evaluating where I'm at and I'm succeeding in recognizing the need that it's not working for me and being willing to face that fear of failure and readjust my plans and goals.

******************************

On to different news.  Yesterday Todd and I were in Lancaster.  I kept samples at the food places to a minimum.  I drank water.  I did great.  We stopped at our favorite chocolate factory (Wilburs in Lititz, PA)  I did NOT buy any candy for myself.  Todd did...but not I.  I splurged and got myself a new hat.  I've been wearing hats when I workout.  (and turns out work in the garden also). My hair comes free with the activity and then drives me NUTS while it flops in my face...a hat keeps it under control and tucked away.  I felt very happy with my decision.  I didn't need the chocolate.  I got a long lasting hat/ 

Exercise

Had a huge malfunction today. My exercise top ride up while I ran. So I kept having to tug it down. Luckily it was cold and that was only my bottom layer, by it was awkward. But run I did! It was a straight jog...no intervals. Still slow as a slug but I'm doing it!

I came home and immediately completed my 30 day shred workout. I'm good to go for a whole. I plan on walking tonight with sherry so there is another hour of exercise! I just want this fat gone.

As badly as I want to snap my fingers and have the fat gone, I'm ok with the process. It's a process of learning and finding out what works for my body right now.

Had a scrumptious breakfast of stuffed apple French toast after my workouts. I'm showered and dressed and ready to face my day!!!!!

Warm comforting Arms of a friend

Getting myself out of bed earlier than normal in order to get my daily dose of Jillian 30 Day shred.   I've made my commitment to this now.  And I WILL complete it.  But let me tell you it was a struggle to do it.  But I did it.   The first round of sets is the killer for me right now.   My arms shake and burn on the first strength move and the cardio segment kills me for some reason.  It does get easier for me from then on out, so that is my consolation and what I kept telling myself this morning.  Anyway...two days down...28 to go.  So here is my question that I will be looking up today.  I've made the commitment to do this for 30 days straight. But shouldn't I be taking a rest day here and there?  However the 'program' is designed otherwise.   Hmmmm  Research time when I get to work (if it's not blocked!)

Last night I left work and my emotions just came crashing down upon me.  I cried the whole way home (ok, don't be too worried, I only live 2.5 miles from work). I skipped my run, I just felt wiped out achy and just not good.  So I walked into my house.   I dumped my bags and before I did anything I opened up the bag of baked barbecue chips (my husband's ..chips are not my downfall so it's not a problem that they are there).  I had a few chips...but since they are not my Achilles heel, I stopped.  However, I looked over at the two pieces of cake that I had cut and individully wrapped.  They haven't been tempting to me at all previously. And I had actually planned to have a small piece of cake that night...and I have saved the calories and eaten properly to account for it.  HOWEVER, emotions were coursing through me.  I ripped open the piece of cake.  It tasted so good.  It was like the arms of a friend were wrapped around me as I ate the cake.  You know where this is going I'm sure.  Yes, I ate the second piece of cake too.   (luckily I had cut very small pieces otherwise the damage would have been much worse).   Those warm arms of a friend that wrapped around me while I ate the cake????   I finished the cake and threw away the tin foil that it was wrapped in and then those warms arms deserted me.  The emotions were still there and the inhalation of the cake only made them worse.  I laid my head on the table and sobbed.    I knew deep inside that food wouldn't take away the pain in my heart.  Yet I still caved.   Once an addict always an addict.  It just reminds me that I have an addiction and that I will ALWAYS have to be on guard for this.  

You want to know what I did after I ate the extra cake?  First of all my belly was flipping from all that extra sugar (yeah, shocked me too) so I didn't eat anything.  A little later I had some strawberries  and a little bit later than that I had a string cheese.  So I was able to keep on track even with a splurge.   I'm on track today.  No feeding my emotions........not gonna happen today.  The emotions may well up but feeding those emotions is NOT an option today!

No fooling here

Frustration abounds right now. I work at a job where there is a lot of down time. A LOT! The consolation to the hours of utter boredom have been that I've been able to write my blog posts at work. I've also been able to read and respond to blogs whilst at work. New computers mean new restrictions in the Internet apparently. We've always had restrictions...Facebook, games, various things like that. The restrictions just became near unbearable. I figured out last Friday that they have blogs blocked for me. I can read blogs through theoldreader.com but I can't go to the actual blogs to post. Grrrrr. I swallowed my frustration and rolled with the punch. Until today. Today I figured out that I can't log onto blogger, which means I can't post to my blog (well I can, however I am tying this entry using my cellphone.). Can you say frustrating? No, this is NOT an Aprils fool joke! I have my weight to update today, my book list to update. I have things to do and I am hogtied and unable to do anything. I want to scream! This medium has been instrumental to my weight loss efforts. It keeps me accountable. (Guess I better get used to doing it at home just like most people....but what am I going to do with all my down time at work!?)

I walked early yesterday morning with Sherry. I was planning on going back out to run after eating breakfast with my husband but it started to rain. I shelved my run and hung out and relaxed and eventually went to town for Easter dinner/lunch. I gathered my mojo and went out at about 4pm and got in an interval run. I need to point out that it was raining and I still ran!!!

This morning I started my first day of Jillian Michael's thirty day shred. It was difficult. My muscles were shaking and tired at some points. I could definitely tell what muscles are the weaker ones.

The good, the bad and the ugly

My weight is still way up.  I seriously can't get enough water into my body.  I am stinking thirsty all the time.  So I KNOW why my weight is up.  (not only do I have to combat the super high sodium meals I've eaten of late....but it's the monthly ick time...which makes my weight pop up anyway!)  I'm OK with it.  Even though it is showing me at a 3 pound gain this week.  I was showing a maintain until the high sodium foods hit my table.  It's all good.  Life happens.




The other day I stopped to pick up a sub (sandwich) to take to Todd while he was at work.  I ordered one for my dinner also.  (No worries, I had the calories to eat it!).  I stood there waiting for the food to be ready and I found myself drooling staring at the tasty cake shelf.  I was super hungry.  It was 3:30 or 4PM and I hadn't eaten lunch yet.  I wanted to dive onto that shelf and eat to my hearts content.  In lieu of that, I REALLY wanted to get something off that shelf.  In years past I wouldn't have even stopped to pause, I would have added at least one thing to my purchase, most likely two.  I stood there and realized how very far I have come, it made it easy to walk away and say no.  The victory was mine that day as I walked out of the store with simply the two subs that I had ordered and nothing more!

Yesterday I was driving down the road.  I was occupying my mind by thinking about running.  I've been running (really it's more of a wog  a cross between a walk and a jog) for 2 months now.  It's not been a magical journey where I fell in love with the process.  It's painful....not so much physically (guess I was in better shape than I thought) but emotionally.  I have made the commitment to run through August 9th.  So I have four more months to fall in love with the sport.  But seriously, that's a long time.  Yesterday my thoughts ended up with one sentence that kept going through my head.  "Would it be quitting if I didn't run through the August 9th do or die date?"   I posed the question later to my brother and his family when they stopped by to visit.  My 12 year old nephew looked at me and said "Yeah, MaryFran!  That is totally quitting!"   So I guess I continue to run. I've quit at so much in my life.  If I want to change, it needs to be enacted!   Praying for some running love to hit me.  Right now it's just a little bit of running hate. 

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to zumba restarting this week after a weeks break.   Even bigger news,  Sherry and I have committed to following Jillian Micheal's 30 day shred video.  We are both prepared to start tomorrow on April 1 (no that is not an April fools day joke) and complete it this month. (what a coinky dink...30 day shred and April has 30 days!).  It's going to be a busy month with zumba 2-3 times a week.  Running 3 times a week.  Thirty day shred every day and walks with sherry as many times as possible.  Ohhh and bike season is beginning so add some bike rides in there. 


SO my big thing for putting myself out there?  I have started a facebook page for my weight loss efforts.  I wanted it to be believing in myself to match my blog but alas that name was taken, so it is Believing in maryFran.  I haven't invited family yet...I'm only slowly inviting friends...and I"m picking and choosing right now.    But I know it's only a matter of time before I"m 'found out'  So ready or not, I'm announcing to the world exactly where I'm at.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Please feel free to like my page.  https://www.facebook.com/BelievinginMaryFran   I'm kinda planning it to be a cross between my journey, recipe links and inspirational things that I find.  Motivation for me and hopefully motivation for others. 

Dehydrated Friday

I woke up thirstier than a camel.  I've been downing water like a mad woman.  My water mug/jug holds 54 ounces.  I've already had to refill it once (in fairness there is ice in it so I didn't drink 54 ounces already this morning upon editing this an hour or two later I've definitely chugged at least 54 ounces and it's not quite noon).   I'm however not surprised.  One glance at myfitnesspal makes it glaringly clear.  I ate food that was so  high in sodium that it's ridiculous.  Mexican Chicken soup is so tasty, but a bit high in sodium!    I don't usually watch sodium and I know that it will correct itself (with lots of water intake) so I'm not concerned. 

Today won't be much better.  My sodium intake for today is rather steep also.  (Probably because I'm having leftover Mexican Chicken Soup for lunch...and quite possibly dinner).   I tried a new recipe this morning.   I am calling it the Sausage Ring of fire.  OK, the "of fire" is my own addition, just because I'm a bit of a geek.  ~~giggling~~  OK OK OK, I'm simply calling it a Sausage Ring.  It is a bit too 'meaty' for me.  The meat flavor was to heavy for a gal that prefers to go meatless.  However, I thought it was still good.  Todd absolutely loved it.  He actually said it rivals his all time favorite breakfast.  So I guess I'll be making it again. 

Yesterday I didn't plan as well as I thought.  We ended up eating lunch really early, 10:30 AM.  That in itself is not an issue.  The issue is that I didn't plan on eating anything until dinner......which ended up not being until about 8:30.  Uhhhh in case you didn't catch that...  I went about 10 hours without any food to eat.  I realized my mistake at about 3 or 4 PM.  I scrounged around in my drawer at work and found a granola bar.  It was a bit old, but it tasted pretty good.  I was still hungry but that held me until my late dinner.  Of course I chowed down like a starving pig when I hit the dinner table.  GRRRRRR

 

I'm continuing to work on some other ways to reach out and 'be'.  One of them scares the living doo doo out of me because of how "OUT THERE" it really is.  I've written on this blog for years.  I've been transparently raw.   Some friends and family don't even know I have a blog.  Some people vaguely know I have a blog but have never shown any interest. (However, they could find me should they really look.)  I'm going to take a step that opens myself up even further and opens up this blog in a way that I'm not sure I'm totally ready for.....but my new plan is to live fearlessly.....so here goes nothing.  So there will be more on that soon!

 

Writing may be difficult today....I got a new computer here at work.  Joy of joy's, Word is not installed....uhhhhhh GREAT.  I guess I'll be focusing on adding calorie counts to my website!

 

 

Ho Hum kinda of day

Just because I don't have much to say, It doesn't mean I'm not 'workin' it'.   Yesterday I went out for a run!

My time wasn't the greatest.  I've said time and time  that I'm slow as molasses.  So really is there any way to go for me other than to get faster?   This time does include me walking for 5 minutes to warm up and about 5-7 minutes to cool down.   I also didn't run it straight.  I ran between 3-5 minutes and then walked a minute...repeatedly.  So my time includes the walking segments.  (maybe some day soon I will be able to afford a heart rate monitor...I'm looking at one for $150.  I want the one that has GPS, so I don't have to drain my battery life on my phone to run the GPS.   I think the heart rate monitor would also help me figure out some of my breathing issues.  Is my heart rate connected to this breathing issue thing......yesterday started out with choppy breathing but SOMEHOW I managed to pull it under control).

Eating I'm holding on.  Nothing out of control but nothing earth shatteringly good if that makes any sense. Steady with my calories.  Haven't seen much movement on the scales during my daily weigh ins.  But I'm OK with that. 

I'm trying to not focus on the bad.  I so want to just curl up and cry.  Things aren't changing in my life....well other than me.  I'm changing my lifestyle.  But financial and maritally things are stagnant and depressing as bat dung. (which is highly toxic, in case you wanted to know some trivia).  I don't know what to do for those things.  So I'm going to do all that I think I can do at this point.  I'm going to try to ignore them.  Continue to drown my sadness in focusing on my weight loss.  I've been saying that I want to start writing again.  I aim to do just that.  I'm re instituting my word count goal for each day. 1000 words a day.  I can do it! 

 

Meanwhile, I also want to update my recipe website.  I have been lazy about putting the calories onto the pages of late.  I haven't taken yummy photographs of meals.  I also have a TON of recipes that have to be entered into the website.  I want to get that updated.   I also want to go back and update my weight loss page and put in my weights as far back as I can pull the documentation for.  I'd like to see how fast I lost....where my other 'maintains' occurred.  Just for a side by side reference!  So I have lots of projects to complete!   

Speed Demon

Yesterday's exercise plans got shot out of the water with the snow.  I didn't make it out for my morning run and I didn't make my evening trip to the gym that I had planned.  GRRR   I spent about 30 minutes outside in the morning shoveling and walking.  I then followed up in the evening with a 30 minute step aerobic dvd.  (which kicked my butt!).  SO I still maintained a somewhat active day.  VICTORY!  (however I caved and had a diet soda after my step aerobic workout....oh well, my water consumption was in, so it's not a bad splurge!)

This morning I was up and out the door shortly after 7AM.  Why so early?  I had a make up run to do!  (remember, yesterday's run was canceled due to snow)  I was nervous at first. MY car was covered in a layer of ice and our deck was one slippery mess.  However, the roads were fine.

Snow covered fields at sunrise

I have decided what I'm going to do to increase my speed while I run.  I have decided to run intervals. I've read different views on increasing speed.  Some say intervals, some say run up a steep grade hill and jog back down and repeat at least 10 times (which sounds like an incredibly intense workout...I will probably torture myself with that sooner or later).  Some people just say run and force yourself to better your time each and every day.  I'm going to simply run intervals.  I am going to try to pushy myself harder during my intervals, since I know that I will have a period of rest after the run.  My plan?  I still plan on running three times a week.  Two runs will be interval runs and the third run will be a straight up jog/run.  My third straight up (no interval) run will be timed and recorded so that I can hopefully see my progress.   I had actually found a great (free) app for my phone a while back, and never used it as I swung through the C25K program.  It's called RunNow.  You can set the length of your run intervals and walk/jog intervals.  You can change how it notifies you when it's time to run/walk and it notifies you when you are at the halfway mark (in case you are running an out and back).  I used it today.  My play list played just fine with this program also running....and the voice did a nice job of notifying me when I needed to change up my pace.  It doesn't have a GPS program built into that app (maybe that's because I have the free option!  LOL)  but I just turned on one of the apps that I have on my phone (mapmyride is a free one). Maybe someday soon I can afford a heart rate monitor that has that built in so I don't have to zap the power on my phone when I'm running!    But for now everything running on my phone works just fine.  I can't wait to see how I progress.  I would LOVE to be under 40 minutes for my next 5k (May 18th) but I will be happy with ANY improvement!   I will conquer this running thing ....in a few months you can just call me "speed demon!"

Bird brains and defunct plans

Well, best laid plans always seem to fall apart.  I had a run scheduled for this morning....and a trip to the gym planned for tonight.  Yes, I did.  And I was determined to do it.  However, the forecasters FINALLY got the weather forecast of snow correct. (They've predicted snow every week at least once, more often than not twice and every time we dodge the bullet and get nothing).  Well, this time they got it right.  We have about 4 inches and it's still coming down.   I don't relish having a broken bone from slipping on snow and ice so I decided to forego the run. (and as for tonight, it's supposed to snow all day long...so driving 30-40 minutes to the gym will probably be out also...yes my gym is that far away...EVERYTHING is pretty much that far away from my house)  I did go out for about 15 minutes and shovel. (that's all it took or I would have gladly shoveled longer...more exercise).  I then walked down the road for a bit and also stopped and took some pictures of the grateful birds at our bird feeder and on the surrounding trees.  I will definitely be exercising more tonight.  Todd and I are talking about a walk on the canal and I am setting a date with my step aerobic video! While the snow messed up my plans, I will admit that it is it is pretty.  The good thing?   Within a few days it is supposed to be in the upper 50's!  Dare I hope that spring is actually here for good! 

 

My weight, well although I'm taking my Sunday weight as my official weight.   So my official weekly weigh in is 231.1, this morning my scales showed me at 229.7.  HOT DOG!!!!!  My weight almost always drops between Sunday and Monday...go figure!...maybe I SHOULD go back to Monday weigh ins!  Ha ha ha....no matter what it does, as long as it is going down, that's all that matters!  :-)  And I'm determined to see that it DOES drop!

Race report

I tried to go to bed early on Friday night.  I wanted to be fresh and ready to run, not tired and worn out.  I slept restlessly though.  I had dreams.  Weirdly enough I 'think' they were dreams about running.  I woke up before the alarm and laid in bed and relaxed a bit, doing my normal (and favorite) wake up routine.  When my alarm went off I rolled out of bed and got ready for my day.  I was excited.  I had vowed a lot of things through the last few weeks of this running training.  I had vowed to run the whole thing.  I had vowed to beat my turkey trot numbers.  I had vowed to do this and that.  Finally just this last week I changed my vow to "Do my best and have fun!"   

Sherry and I met up early and arrived at the race site.  We were ready!   Of course we stopped and had to have our pictures taken with the Sweet Frogs! (and yes, I will be using the 10% off coupon to get some frozen yogurt at one of the sweet frogs stores!)

We got out timer chips and we walked around for about 45 minutes, making sure that we visited the portapotties and kept moving.  We watched (from a distance) the kids run.  Some of those kids were like lightening!          Finally it was our turn to congregate at the start line.  We moved into place...and then we waited....and waited....and waited.  OK, so it was maybe only 5 or 10 minutes.  Finally after hearing the instructions for the race a few times (they were running two different courses of 5K and one course of a 10 k simultaneously so they  had to make sure everyone knew which routes to follow) we were off.  Sherry and I headed out onto the road.  It was a road that we run each week but it felt so odd to be running on the middle of the road and surrounded by tons of people!.  

 

About this time I realized that my research was wrong and we were running the FITNESS course and not the FUN 5k course!  OOPS!

 

Within the first few minutes of running my breathing was labored.  Really? I thought I had that under control????    Sherry even noticed it.  Before I said anything to her (I was trying to get it under control on my own without bringing it up) she started counting my breaths for me out loud.  She knows my breathing pattern that I am following (3-2-3-2-3-2).  I tried.  I really tried.  But it just wasn't happening.  We had to stop and walk relatively early.  GRRRRR.  We walked about a minute and then picked back up on the running.  My breathing was still messed up.  We ran and walked alternately for about the first mile.  Then something happened and my breathing somehow settled down.  At about the one mile mark I heard someone coming up behind us.  It was a lone girl...she was running at about the pace that we ran at.  We stayed relatively close to her.  We would walk and she would pass us.  She would walk and we would pass her.  

 

At about the 2 mile mark Sherry started to feel sick.  I didn't have any complaints about walking.  My breathing was somewhat under control, but seriously...once it's out of whack my whole body does not function correctly.   We walked and jogged intermittently the rest of the race.  Our bodies fought us but we persevered.  I was so happy that I was with her.  Her presence helped pull me through.  And yes....we crossed the finish line with smiles on our faces (or maybe they were grimaces!)           

We did it!   We did not run the whole thing...but we DID manage to beat my turkey trot time.  By a few minutes!   We also DID manage to have fun! This was a nice small race.  The turkey trot was huge in comparison.  This one  was small an intimate.  I liked it.  If I'm running next year....this one will definitely be on my list. (although I my chose the FUN course next year....but then again, I may be READY for the fitness course!)  

 

This morning I woke up and just felt sick and utterly exhausted.  So I went back to bed and slept for a few hours.  Exercise was put on the back burner.  I may do something tonight. But I'm not pushing it.  My body is telling me to slow down.  I WILL listen to my bodies needs!

The number game

Yesterday I was talking to a friend.  I was talking about the focus on numbers.  It is so easy to get totally immersed and obsessed with numbers on this journey.   It starts with the calories.(or points for when I was a WW girl).  I swim in the calorie count of the food.  I wallow in my caloric budget.  I jump for joy at the earned calories.  It's numbers....numbers....numbers.   As if that isn't enough to be focused on, I then live for the number on the scale.  I step on the scale and hold my breath waiting to see what number I will be blessed/cursed with.  I obsess about that number too.   And then I started running and all of a sudden there is a whole new realm of numbers.  How long can I run/jog before I have to walk.  How many miles?  Pace?   GRRRRR

At the beginning of the year I refused to set goal weight resolutions.  Instead I decided to just do what was right and allow the weight to come off in it's own time.  Does that mean that I'm not tracking my progress?  No.  I still track by weighing myself.  But I'm trying to take the focus off of the numbers.  That got me to thinking.  If I was in perfect shape would the numbers really matter?  If I was fit and active and all my healthy indicators (cholesterol, bp, etc etc etc) were in check would I be obsessed with the number.  What about if I looked like I was a size 6 but really weighted 250 pounds. Would I still be obsessed with the number?  How warped is my mind right now about the numbers?   I'm trying to learn to 'KNOW' the numbers but to not obsess with them.  I'm trying to take the focus off the numbers.

The numbers are not important to me.  I'm focusing on the benefits that my body is getting from these changes.  OK, that's what I'm trying to convince myself. Will I ever fully succeed....probably not, but if I can at least not obsesses with the numbers than I will call it a victory!


So tomorrow is a 5K on the battlefield.  I'm registered and ready to run! Sherry and I have decided to try to run it.  However, we are both in agreement that we are going to do what our bodies allow. If we end up walking more, so be it.  For a while we were totally focused on the number  "have to beat this" or "do that".   Yesterday we talked and that is not the focus any longer. The focus is the victory of completion!

All this talk about taking away the focus on the numbers, last week I hit my 20 pound mark. (big loss....probably gonna be a small loss this week, but I'm OK with that).  So on Monday I ordered my next charm.  I chose a tennis shoe.  During this 10 pounds I really worked on this running thing.  The jury is out if I will continue, but this 10 pounds lost can be identified with running....and also the shoe can mark the victory of actually completing the couch to 5k training program.  (pardon the weird picture...I don't know how in the world I had my hand when I took the picture, but my hand really looks deformed.....it's not!)

Planning

Planning is the key.  I was somewhat worried about this upcoming week.  Anita my zumba instructor is taking the week off (she takes a week here and there).  Typically on those weeks I also take the week off.  I didn't want to do it.  I don't want to take a week off of exercise.  That's not acceptable to me. I also know that according to the c25k program that I have been following that I will no longer be sitting around with a 'training run' that needs to be completed. Knowing that I have that waiting to complete really is a good motivator for me!  Ohhhh this is bad...no set in stone zumba and no training runs that NEED to be completed. I knew I had to come up with a plan.

I have been planning out our meals for quite some time.  I start by sitting down with my work schedule and Todd's every changing work schedule for the week and I first of all figure out which (if any) meals we will be eating together.  At that point I know which meals I need to plan for.  I try to plan our meals and place them throughout the menu strategically so that they can be easily used as leftovers.  I then make my grocery list from that.  Todd usually eats the leftovers and I eat fruits and veggies for the meals that we are not together (ok ok ok, my work lunch is lots of fruits and veggies.....but  if you know me you will know that I usually eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if I'm home alone for dinner...no I refuse to give up my pb&j...and well, since I don't eat much meat, the peanut butter is a good source of nutrients for me).   This week I took it a step further.   I laid out our meals.  I laid out Todd's leftover meals.  I then went onto myfitnesspal and I put in all the planned meals and filled in my other meals.  I know exactly what I am eating for one week. When it comes time to pack my lunch there is no question.  I can tell you what I'm packing next Friday! Of course there is room for adjustments.  This is life and adjustments are always happening.    As if that wasn't enough.  As I mentioned earlier my exercise was in danger.  Not from me...I was determined but it was in danger because the routine was going to be shaken.  So I took the menu planning one step further.  I planned out when I would be exercising..such as running in the AM or PM.....gym in the AM or PM....which gym I would be going to....and even if I would be doing a class at the gym.  There is definitely room within my planned schedule for those little "I think I can throw in a little walk or a little exercise dvd or some minutes using the Xbox kinnect. Always room for that...but my core workouts are planned and scheduled!   And then because I'm a geek, I put it onto a spreadsheet and printed it up for the door of the refrigerator!  


Planning is going to see me through this journey and planning is going to keep my weight off when I lose!  There is no ifs ands or buts about it.  I may have doubted it and wondered if I could at one point.  But not it's not a want...it's not a try....it is definitely I WILL succeed!!

Lies!

I got home from zumba last night.  I made my dinner and was sitting there eating when Todd came home.  I could barely put a coherent sentence together.  For some reason I was just exhausted.  I headed to bed and was asleep shortly after 9PM.  I had planned on making potato salad and packing my gym bag in the evening thus clearing up my morning to hit the road for my second to last C25K training run.  I momentarily thought about it but decided that since I was going to bed so early, I knew I would be up super early and that there would be no problem completing everything.   How wrong I was.  I didn't wake up until 8AM!  (not a problem for work because I didn't have to be at work until 10AM, but I had stuff that needed to be done) Thus began the mad hectic dash of my morning.


I have struggled with running this week.  It's been a mental thing.  I am nearing the end of this c25k training program.  I have tried this program time and time again and each time I have given up right about week 3 or 4.  So to make it to week 8 is incredible.  I know that my struggle to continue is not because of fear that I can't do it.  I have  done a 28 minute run so the next run shouldn't have been an issue.  True, I had my dismal run on Friday stuck in the back of my head, but seriously....the END IS IN SIGHT!   The old MaryFran started to doubt that I could do this c25k thing...even though I'm almost done.  For some reason I began to struggle with continuing.  Yes, I seriously contemplated quitting the program...on freakin' week 8 day 2!  What in the world?   I tell you...the mind is really where this weight loss battle (and healthy lifestyle...and exercise) is won or lost!   Once I realized that it is all in my head I said "HECK NO!"  I'm not giving up!  I've given up 4 or more times before on this training program and it just makes me have to restart it.  NO MORE!!!!!  This time I WILL finish!

So out I went.  And yes!  I did it! I ran the whole time I needed to run.  WEEEE!    But I'm coming to the conclusion that the C25K training program is a lie.  A big fat juicy lie.   I have done it religiously.  And I'm almost done.  It has got me running and for that I'm most decidedly grateful.  but,  it's more like a couch to 3.5 k training program.   Yes, I'm only doing about 2 miles in my allotted time.  Those LIARS!

This morning my music was perfect for me.  Songs would come on and just make me smile.  Seriously...when I'm doing something so perfect and good for my body how could I NOT smile when Right Said Fred's song "I'm Too Sexy" came on.  But the song that got me today was Twisted Sister...."We're not Gonna take it!"   No, I am NOT going to accept my obesity anymore.  I'm not gonna take it!  I'm gonna fight it for all it's worth!